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Its totally alright if you don't want to read that many chapters at once. I'm not expecting anyone to do that, its just I think it would be nice to have this story up on PokeCommunity for anyone to read at their own pace.
Well, yes, but the thing is that the more chapters you post at once, the less likely you'll have someone to read and comment around here. (Again, note your lack of comments from anyone who hasn't already read your story as it was being written on PE2K.) Because we've got a time limit on comments (as in, we can't post to your story after a month), putting them up all at once (three or four a day) puts you at more of a risk of chasing us off and leaving your story untouched within a month after you're done.
Not to mention, again, you're not giving us time to comment. By the time we've read through all the chapters you've posted so far, you'll post three more. That means we can't stop and give you a comment because each time we try, we've got a large chunk of material to get through.
Each part of the saga has about 50 chapters. If I post only one every couple of days, its going to be over two years before I finally catch up with where I am now in ToJ IV. Sometime along the line I could completely forget to update this.
Remember, the main point of posting a fic on a community is to get people to read it. People aren't going to want to sit down and read through something that updates with large chunks of text every single day. That's a bit overwhelming, and as I've said before, it doesn't give us time to sit down and think about what you're saying.
Second, I highly doubt you'll forget to update if you frequent PC, especially if you gave us time to comment on your work so we can actually keep your thread active ourselves.
I'd rather post more a little sooner and just allow people to read it at their own pace, kind of like having the whole book at once rather than a small daily update like a newspaper.
Again, you will probably not get comments this way except for maybe one-liners. Maybe. That's assuming the kids who usually submit one-liners can sit through hundreds of chapters. The way a writing community works is that you give a reader a chapter or two every so often, and they comment on the content of individual chapters, not everything as a whole. If you really wanted to post your entire thing as an online book, just give it a separate website and put the link in your sig. That way, we'll be more enticed to just read it for the sake of reading it, not read it with the intent of commenting on it with any sort of detail.
Well, yes, but the thing is that the more chapters you post at once, the less likely you'll have someone to read and comment around here. (Again, note your lack of comments from anyone who hasn't already read your story as it was being written on PE2K.) Because we've got a time limit on comments (as in, we can't post to your story after a month), putting them up all at once (three or four a day) puts you at more of a risk of chasing us off and leaving your story untouched within a month after you're done.
Not to mention, again, you're not giving us time to comment. By the time we've read through all the chapters you've posted so far, you'll post three more. That means we can't stop and give you a comment because each time we try, we've got a large chunk of material to get through.
Truthfully, I'm not writing for comments, though I do appreciate every one of them. Even if someone reads it and never leaves any remark about it here, that's fine with me to tell the truth. I used to write full fledged novels that no one ever read, but I still enjoyed it as a passion. Same thing here, even if no one reads it, it wouldn't bother me all that much.
Remember, the main point of posting a fic on a community is to get people to read it. People aren't going to want to sit down and read through something that updates with large chunks of text every single day. That's a bit overwhelming, and as I've said before, it doesn't give us time to sit down and think about what you're saying.
Second, I highly doubt you'll forget to update if you frequent PC, especially if you gave us time to comment on your work so we can actually keep your thread active ourselves.
Well, if someone looks at the chapter directory, that will already tell them this is a pretty long fan fiction. Plus I don't see why this would stop people from being able to sit down and think about the story when this is pretty much the same as opening a book. And how different is this from posting and reading full story on fanfiction.com?
Again, you will probably not get comments this way except for maybe one-liners. Maybe. That's assuming the kids who usually submit one-liners can sit through hundreds of chapters. The way a writing community works is that you give a reader a chapter or two every so often, and they comment on the content of individual chapters, not everything as a whole. If you really wanted to post your entire thing as an online book, just give it a separate website and put the link in your sig. That way, we'll be more enticed to just read it for the sake of reading it, not read it with the intent of commenting on it with any sort of detail.
If I never actually get comments on this, that's fine with me as I don't write for those, though they are nice and I appreciate every one I get. As for giving Trial of Juno its own site... you know, that's not such a bad idea.
I get what you're saying and I appreciate the advice, but I would honestly feel better having everything posted rather than waiting and slowly updating spread over time for the next few years. Truthfully, if the length of the story bothers people right from the very beginning, I honestly don't think they would have continued reading it through the entire thing anyway even if I did post it bit by bit.
And really, what's to stop someone from posting about Chapter 1 even if the story is up to Chapter 15 and beyond? I don't mind it if people post and review for the first couple of chapters even though the story could be well beyond that point. People did that before on PE2K and I never had a problem with it.
So yeah, I welcome anyone and everyone to read this at their own pace and comment about any portion of it at any time if and when they want to. No harm done with that.
Truthfully, I'm not writing for comments, though I do appreciate every one of them. Even if someone reads it and never leaves any remark about it here, that's fine with me to tell the truth. I used to write full fledged novels that no one ever read, but I still enjoyed it as a passion. Same thing here, even if no one reads it, it wouldn't bother me all that much.
Then why are you posting it on a public forum? =/ As I've said before, the main reason why anyone posts on a forum is to get feedback. Otherwise, you wouldn't need the option for just anyone to come in and reply. If you wanted to just put your story up on a place to have it be known, you could just as easily put it on a website and advertise it like no tomorrow. You'd get the same effect without much of the effort (and without flooding the forums with something that'll eventually get buried because no one will comment on it or sees you around the forums enough to dig for it).
Well, if someone looks at the chapter directory, that will already tell them this is a pretty long fan fiction.
Plus I don't see why this would stop people from being able to sit down and think about the story when this is pretty much the same as opening a book. And how different is this from posting and reading full story on fanfiction.com?
The difference is that people on Fanfiction.net can comment to a work at any point in time without violating any posting rules. Moreover, people who post on FFNet are still primarily looking for feedback -- hence the review feature. They're not just posting for the sake of sharing their story there, either.
I get what you're saying and I appreciate the advice, but I would honestly feel better having everything posted rather than waiting and slowly updating spread over time for the next few years.
Then you really will probably do better with a website.
Truthfully, if the length of the story bothers people right from the very beginning, I honestly don't think they would have continued reading it through the entire thing anyway even if I did post it bit by bit.
The difference between the audience you have on PE2K and the audience you're trying to get here is the fact that the audience on PE2K have been with you from the beginning. They already know the story, and they actually did get chapters in slower increments. Alternatively, the people who are just coming into your story over there have already had it recommended to them.
Over here, meanwhile, virtually no one knows who you are. Sorry to put it that way, but it's true. That's why you at least have to slow it down at first to pull people in because otherwise, they're going to leave you alone for other fics (that don't update with chapters at a time) or fics by the vets of PC, so by the time they're ready to really look at you, you'll have managed to intimidate them with how much they have to read.
Incidentally, yes, length intimidates people. This is a major problem I had with my own fic. Chapters tended to be long, and there were a lot of them. That's why I'm currently working through a rewrite with shorter chapters posted with a bit more time in between -- because people wouldn't read it otherwise, regardless of whether or not it's a good story.
And really, what's to stop someone from posting about Chapter 1 even if the story is up to Chapter 15 and beyond?
The fact that you could just as easily say, "Actually, the thing you're having an issue with is resolved in chapter 42." That tends to put people off, too.
That and... *motions to what she said earlier about audiences*
So... what really are you suggesting? Either just give this up entirely, or start over with a new thread (if that's even allowed) and maybe only post one chapter every other day? Because judging from what you're saying, if I start only doing this now, its already too late and no one on this site will ever read it because I've already posted 15 chapters.
Jax, I understand what you're saying, but sometimes you just have to let it go. The worst that could come out of this is a lack of readership. Honestly, at the end of the day, this is a fanfiction section, not a review section. Reviews are great, wonderful: but if someone really doesn't want them, or doesn't mind not having them, it's not necessary to make them want reviews.
This is fanfiction, after all. If it was professional writing, then yeah, I can see how you could be more ambitious in trying to review. As it is, however, this is just a hobby for most people: they will ultimately take it as seriously as they want to. Which isn't a bad thing at all. Sometimes you have to find that balance between work and fun.
I'm saying give it a rest for a couple of days. Let people catch up with you and then post slowly. Even just go to an installment a day or every other day. Otherwise, if you don't want us to comment, then I really don't see why you're actually posting here instead of just keeping it on PE2K and linking us to there in your sig (or doing the same by using a website). It seems like a lot of effort just to show us what you can do if you didn't really care about not getting reviewers before our month is up.
txteclipse said:
Honestly, at the end of the day, this is a fanfiction section, not a review section.
I...don't know. To attract readers to PC? To provide a berzlillion chapter story for free? For the lulz? I'm not saying that what he's doing makes a ton of sense, but that doesn't mean it's necessarily wrong. I mean, if all else fails, people can PM him with reviews of specific chapters. My guess is that he's worked on this for so long that there ain't a whole heck of a lot to critique anymore, and if there is, he wouldn't take the time to perform massive surgery on the whole thing.
My problem is this. He's made very clear that he's okay not having reviews, but you continue bringing it up. If only for the sake of your own sanity, just let him go ahead and do what he wants, you know?
EDIT: Or everything could just work out despite me. Good jorb.
I'm saying give it a rest for a couple of days. Let people catch up with you and then post slowly. Even just go to an installment a day or every other day. Otherwise, if you don't want us to comment, then I really don't see why you're actually posting here instead of just keeping it on PE2K and linking us to there in your sig (or doing the same by using a website). It seems like a lot of effort just to show us what you can do if you didn't really care about not getting reviewers before our month is up.
Alright, I'll do that and give it a rest for a few days. I think giving people the weekend will help people catch up, and then on Monday, I'll take it slow and just stick with a single chapter a day, if even. I might break every now and then when it comes to that.
Still though, thanks for the advice. You know this site better than I do, so I appreciate the pointers.
txteclipse, to that comment, I just have two questions to ask:
1. How long have we known each other?
2. How many times have I tried to hit people with the for-the-writers part of my reviewing guide?
Seriously now. =|
That said, let's get started on the review.
I'll have to start off by saying a couple of positives. Mostly, I like the style the story is written in. Right off the bat, a reader can get a good handle on the narrator's voice and personality. Moreover, although the descriptions of each character tends to be vague (i.e., we only, for example, know that Randy has orange hair for the first half of the first chapter), it still works because of the way the narrative itself is constructive. It's anecdotal, as if we should just already know who these people are because the entire story's being told by a kid.
Also, it's hard not to like the narrator, if only because he's not only real but also not the usual hero. He's not a warm, fuzzy character right off the bat. He's just a complete and utter jackass to the weak kids. No Ash Ketchuming here. Just the kind of boy you'd run into in middle school, the vicious kind who hasn't quite grown up yet.
Now, on to the nitpicks and specifics.
First thing I should note is the way the dialogue's set up. It's not bad, but there's a few issues concerning commas here and there. Specifically, let's break down the structure of a line of dialogue into two parts: the quote (the part within the quotation marks) and the dialogue tag (the part that describes how the line is being said). Now, keep in mind that a dialogue tag must include a descriptor for how the character says the quote. It is, essentially, the he said or she said part. With that in mind, there's a few different ways you can punctuate dialogue:
Spoiler:
Before a Quote
Sally said, "I'm going to the store. Don't wait up."
After a Quote
"I'm going to the store. Don't wait up," Sally said.
Between Two Sentences In a Quote
"I'm going to the store," Sally said. "Don't wait up."
"I'm going to the store." Sally said, "Don't wait up."
(Notice how the comma attaches the dialogue tag to only one of these. This is to signal that the part in the quotes are two different sentences. As in, if you attempt to surround the dialogue tag with commas, the quote ends up reading, "I'm going to the store, Don't wait up." This ends up making the quote grammatically incorrect, so you don't want to do that.)
In the Middle of a Sentence In a Quote
"I'm going," Sally said, "to the store. Don't wait up."
(Note that the dialogue tag is surrounded by quotes now because the part of the quote it interrupts is a single sentence.)
Not a Dialogue Tag
"I'm going to the store." Sally grinned at me. "Don't wait up."
(Note that there's periods now and no commas. This is because the sentence in the middle is not actually a dialogue tag. There's nothing there that indicates that Sally is speaking, so it can't serve to modify the quote. Hence, you punctuate it as if it's a separate thought... because it is.)
Now, the reason why I'm telling you this is because of these sentences:
"Well, if it isn't potty-pants himself in living color." Alex smiled at Randy, giving him that special glare, "If you're looking for the bathroom, it's inside, stupid."
"The three of you are going to pay for picking on Frank." Randy told us, trying to sound tough and totally ignoring Alex's comment.
…
"Randy," David told him honestly, "Even you should be aware that Frank isn't worth the dirt he's laying in."
First Line: Because the part about Alex smiling isn't actually a dialogue tag, you'd need a period instead of a comma at the end of it. Second Line: Strangely, the reverse is true here. "Randy told us" indicates that the sentence outside of the quotes is a dialogue tag, so you'll need a comma. Third Line: This is a variation of the last two rules I mentioned behind the spoiler tag. The dialogue tag in this case doesn't indicate that the sentence within the quotes stops before it. That means that you actually need a lower case letter for "even" because it's the middle of a sentence. (Remove the part outside the quotation marks and the quotation marks themselves. You should have the sentence, Randy, Even you should be aware that Frank isn't worth the dirt he's laying in. See how the capital becomes a little awkward. You'll want to decide whether you meant "Randy" to be in its own sentence or if you meant to have it a direct address and then figure out which variation of quotation you wanted to use there.
Dialogue rules tend to be tricky things, so the best thing to do is be as careful as possible with them and memorize just the very basic variations to judge whether or not you need a comma, a period, or even a lower case letter, if that all makes sense.
Commas in general are tricky things, so it's best just to look up the rules and find a way to memorize them as best as you can. In this case, this is a direct address. The character is speaking directly to another character. Hence, you actually need a comma before its name (Nidoran, in this case) to show that it's direct address.
Out from behind the hill came none other that Jeff Huntington.
Minor typo, but the phrase is "none other than." It's always a good idea to read over your work before posting it to another website to clean it of any errors you might have missed on its initial posting.
Now he looked ready to dish out some serious pain.
Although I like the voice of the narration, it's not without its drawbacks. For example, battles, usually some of the most action-packed sequences in a Pokémon fic (just because that's a huge chunk of the point of the franchise to the point where very few non-romance stories are without some form of them), can't have too much detail because your narrator usually won't go into too many details. On the downside, this means we're also removed from picturing how the action goes down. For example, we can't really imagine how Jake noticed that Mightyena was ready to deal some pain. Is it the tensed muscles? The bared teeth? The weird glint in the Mightyena's eye? We can't really tell because Jake's just not the kind of character who pays too much attention to detail. This unfortunately makes the battle feel a little less exciting than it can be because we're not exactly at the edge of our seats, watching as you describe visceral details about how one Pokémon's getting the everloving crap beaten out of it by another. Sure, we have things like "the Pidgey was cooked," but we're not right there on the battlefield, smelling the Pidgey and watching it twitch and squirm (or, for that matter, watching Randy twitch and squirm at the sight of his downed Pidgey, either... which, come to think of it, is rather strange for someone who was a little over-confident about his Pidgey's strength just a couple of seconds before that happened).
Unfortunately, changing this will sacrifice the character's voice because this kind of thing is really something that can only be achieved by using either second/third person or a particularly twisted narrator. You could add in very short details – as in, showing us a bit more of what's going on without going overboard with what it looks like – to help us form a visual image, but other than that, I'm just pointing it out because it's something that I noticed.
After a harsh bite down from Houndoom, Espeon was knocked back,
On the other hand, minor details will also help us avoid weird mental images. For example, I'm not quite sure how to picture Espeon being knocked back after being bitten. That seems a lot like saying I'm shoving you back by grabbing a hold of your wrist. O_o Yes, I realize the Light Screen is there, but there's no real mention here of the Light Screen coming into play and being part of the reason why Espeon was knocked back. Game mechanics sort of factors into this confusion as well. From Diamond and Pearl onward, Crunch became a physical move, so Light Screen wouldn't have affected it. This was a change announced pretty early in the game's development, so unless your fic was written before 2006 -- I don't actually have PE2K up as I write this and can't check for myself -- this is a bit awkward to figure out. If it works differently from the games in your world (or if this was pre-DP-announcement), it's something you'll probably want to at least hint at in your work so your readers can figure out for themselves what your variations on canon are. Not to sound overly blunt there, but author's vision is a bit difficult to get used to unless the audience has some hints on hand to figure things out.
Then, Jeff commanded his Ampharos to also put a Light Screen shield on himself.
Also, Light Screen is a move that affects the entire party. Again, it's a minor issue, but it's always a good idea to drop hints in your story that this isn't an error if it's actually just your personal variation on canon. Otherwise, my advice would be to try looking up moves on Bulbapedia or similar information sites to make sure the battle would play out the way you want it to. Sometimes, differences like who Light Screen affects might be seen by a reader as being one of the most important things that make a difference in who wins the battle, so you'll want to be careful with battle details like that.
Mightyena then charged toward Ampharos, thirsty for revenge. Mightyena then put his head down,
Here's a little personal tip: whenever you proofread, try reading your work aloud to avoid awkward sentences constructs. For example, you start two consecutive sentences (as you can see above) with the exact same two words. It causes your work to have a sort of redundant feel to it.
completely ignoring the effects of the Light Screen shield.
Going back up, something tells me that a kid would actually say something like "Mightyena passed through the Light Screen shield as if it wasn't there" (or something to that effect that describes how Light Screen doesn't affect Mightyena) if he actually saw it happening. Right now, the word "ignoring" seems a little vague. It implies that Light Screen actually tried to stop Mightyena, but Mightyena was just to awesome to be bothered by it, as opposed to the idea that Light Screen just couldn't do the job of protecting Ampharos (and, later, Espeon) because Headbutt was the wrong type of move. Slight difference there. The first (the one where Mightyena is awesome) implies that the reason why Light Screen failed is because the move/user was just too good, whereas the second one (the one where Headbutt was just the wrong type of move) explains that Light Screen failed because of how Light Screen actually works.
If that doesn't make you laugh, I don't know what will…
You'll probably want to use a period instead of an ellipsis after this sentence. The thing is, an ellipsis implies a very soft ending, like the speaker is trailing off because he's distracted by another thought. However, because he goes right into narrating the rest of the scene (as in, there's no hard scene break here – just a transition), you'll want a definite ending so it doesn't feel like his thoughts are bleeding into the next part of the text, if that makes sense.
Or for a clearer example as to what I mean, the ellipsis at the end of the second chapter? Definitely a place where you'd use one. It causes the narration to fade out, implying that the speaker is trailing off into a cliffhanger. So, there, it's okay to use a soft ending instead of a hard one. It's a little more questionable to use a soft ending right in the middle of a chapter with no scene breaks, however.
this sure wasn't the Hallow like I thought it was.
You'll want "Hollow" here, which really is a better name for a place. Hallow has this air of foreshadowing to it, but really, Hollow calls to mind creepy forests in rural areas.
It might be better to render it as "the thought of us." The reason why is because although this is in the subject of the sentence, the pronoun is in a prepositional phrase. (Note the "of" here.) It's an object, basically, not a subject itself. (The subject would be the thoughts.) So, you can't actually use a subject pronoun like "we" in this case.
Caska then pulled out a pink and white Pokéball, and threw it towards the center of the cabin.
To make what I'm about to say a bit more clearer, try replacing the comma and the conjunction (and) with a period. Do you get one full sentence or two as a result?
If you just get one (which you should), then you actually don't need a comma here because this isn't a compound sentence. If you do get two full sentences, then the comma's kosher. That's what I like to call a period test, and it's really a useful tool. Try using it whenever you write a comma and a conjunction that isn't part of a list or whenever you want to make a compound sentence in general.
However, it completely missed Caska's Blissey. There was nothing to explain it but just a case of really crappy luck.
It's a bit difficult to imagine why something that shakes the entire floor doesn't affect Blissey in this case. While I know that's how the game works (i.e., Earthquake has a chance of not hitting a target that increases its evasion), in fanfiction, you'll want to explain things like that so your readers can get a clear image of what's going on.
While in certain cases (like the end of the second chapter), I can understand using an ellipsis, I'm not entirely sure how I feel about ending every chapter with it. Sometimes, you can indicate a cliffhanger just by using a hard ending with a period instead of a soft one that implies that the speaker is trailing off. In the case of the end of the third chapter, it feels a little awkward because it's still the middle of an action-packed scene. So, it feels a little too soft for what you're trying to do (namely, cut a battle in half). I'd say try a period instead to give the end of the chapter a definite close. That way, your reader will stop short, and the impact of the scene will really hit them with a bit more metaphorical "oomph."
"THAT LITTLE FREAK RANDY FERGUSON IS GOING TO DIE!!!!!!,"
Strangely, since the exclamation points already serve as an ending mark of punctuation, you don't need a comma. The reason why is because a comma normally replaces a period at the end of a quote. (As in, if a full sentence happens before a dialogue tag, the comma serves as its period.) Here, since you've got an exclamation point, it'd be like putting a period after a row of exclamation marks.
Be very careful with your proofreading. I know you've got a lot to get through, but if all else fails, try turning on your word processor's spell check as you type feature. You know, the thing that makes red, squiggly lines appear under every misspelled word? Even if you don't actually send your story through a full spell check, using those red squigglies can really help you out by allowing you to see your errors as soon as you make them. Yeah, I have to admit that they're a bit annoying, but the feature's got its uses.
At this point, I'm actually going to have to stop for the night. As of this writing, I'm on chapter twelve (keeping in mind that I only had a few hours to do this), but I actually don't have time for the moment to continue. Likewise, since I'll probably be busy for the remainder of the week, I might not get back to it right away, so I'd rather just say what I think so far while I still remember what happened.
On the positive side, I have to really compliment you on the concept. It's new, different, and finds ways to take advantage of both. For that reason, it's pretty fresh and interesting to read. You delve into Randy's mind quite nicely to come up with not only concepts on crack (like the rubber cocoon) but also rather interesting renditions of different aspects of Randy's psyche. In other words, you realize that this is all in one character's head (in a sense, anyway), and you really take pretty interesting lengths to go about bringing that out.
The concept itself, getting back to the point, is equally fascinating. On the one hand, you've got a team of bullies who are sent into a sort of mindscape to get humiliated at every turn possible. On the other, the guy who created the mindscape is a bit of a jackass himself and happens to be so insecure that he feels the need to hide behind a talisman of power to cheat his way to the top. It's hard to figure out who to cheer for, really. Supporting the main character makes a reader remember the early chapters when Jake and his friends did things like slip laxatives into cupcakes, but supporting the main antagonist means you're supporting a pretty messed up character. This creates a pretty cool dilemma.
Which goes into my next point. The characters. I have to admit they're pretty believable. The voice comes off pretty well-done (although, as I've said earlier, the battles tend to suffer because of this), which is a pretty difficult thing to achieve for a first-person narrative. I really do feel like this is all being told by a thirteen-year-old boy. (Or somewhere in that age bracket.)
That and, seriously, I'm just going to say all three attacks on the individual parts of Jake's group were sort of interesting. Each had a pretty realistic reaction for a group of schoolyard bullies, and Jake's transformation into the flower kid made him seem incredibly human. I mean, although it was pretty clear that the spring was a trap, what sets Jake apart from most of the other characters I've read in Pokémon fanfiction is the fact that he still fell for it. Of course, the results weren't exactly predictable, but what really made that scene was the fact that he's the most careful member of the bunch (even acknowledging that no one in that world could be trusted) but was still capable of making mistakes. The fact that he can offers some pretty real obstacles for him. Although he's given a lot of powers in order to fight Randy, that one instance revealed that his own worst enemy is himself. That could cost him a valuable battle, which in turn could offer up an interesting plot twist. Long story short, it makes the story slightly more unpredictable, no matter how many powers the darker aspects of Randy's personality throw at Jake.
However, here's where I've got a couple of tiny little comments to make. First, yeah, the battles. They were better by the time Jake and company got to fight against the legendaries (although that might be because I got used to the narrative style eventually... or just gave up trying to nitpick in favor of reading the flipping story itself), but at first, it felt a little jarring because it was largely "Pokémon A used Move A on Pokémon B. It did/didn't hit." While this might just be how Jake tells a story (which, in that case, makes it easier to swallow, as I've said), it felt like I wasn't watching an actual battle between two forces of nature so much as another battle that happens in the games. I can tell you're using a lot of game mechanics, but with fanfiction, you'll want to find a balance between your narrator's voice and describing things with a bit more depth. For example, if an Earthquake happens, you'll want to figure out how to explain why it misses. Having Jake jump to avoid it? Good way of describing how it misses. Having Blissey just shrink? ...Not really so much.
Things like that make it harder to picture what's going on, which means your reader might be left sitting there, wondering just how a move you mentioned worked the way it did. The longer they sit there trying to figure it out, the harder it is for them to read the rest of the battle. However, there is a problem here that keeps me from telling you exactly what to do about it, and that's the fact that you can theoretically get away with skeletal details so long as you make it clear that what we're looking at is a pack of anecdotes and not necessarily a novel being told in the first person. The difference is all in how a story's told. If you tell your best friend about what happened last night, you'll only give that person sparse details. If you're writing a novel, you add in more details than that, right? From the beginning of the story, it feels like you're going with the first option, which is actually perfectly okay. The only suggestion I can offer you, then, is to remember that you're telling the story exactly as Jake saw it. So, he might not leave it at, say, "Earthquake missed because of Blissey's Minimize," but he might say, "Oh man. Blissey was bouncing everywhere, but the floor was like rubber to her, you know? So, no matter where she bounced, she didn't hit a thing, and that Earthquake was completely ineffective." Only, you know, more in Jake's voice.
Other than that on the notes about characters is the fact that I really hope there will be some resolution to that dilemma I mentioned earlier. Right now, it's hard to figure out who to root for because both would be a pretty disgusting thing to cheer for. Jake's group are a bunch of bullies who only want to beat up Randy, and Randy's become another bully who wants to beat up Jake. If everything returns to normal with Jake's group just picking up where they left off in their bullying, it makes Randy a rather pathetic character. (This is actually something that kept coming to mind as I was reading.) On the other hand, rooting for Randy means the story just doesn't end. I'd hate to say it, but I sort of hope for some kind of Disney moral-of-the-story happening, just so there's some kind of character growth going on. Then again, it's also very early in the story, so I'm just going to assume this issue gets brought up later anyway.
Besides that, there's nothing too negative to pick up on that I haven't already mentioned. Grammar could use a bit of work, especially concerning dialogue. (I just didn't mention everything here because I sort of wanted to get through all fifteen chapters in one sitting. Which, as you can tell, really didn't end up happening, but.) Even if you're reposting this from PE2K, make sure you proofread carefully to give us a good impression of it by brushing off any errors you're definitely capable of catching yourself (like the Hollow/Hallow bit).
That said, nice job. I'm glad you decided to slow down posting because this really does deserve some comment on it, and it'd seriously be a crime if it went without attention.
I'll come back for the next chapters maybe next weekend.
Thank you, now that's the kind of review that helps. It must have taken you a while to type all that, and I appreciate it.
I'll admit, the dialogue and quotations thing is a bad habit I've fallen into and I've been stuck in that pit-trap for years and years. I'm going to try and study this until I remember it, because its been pecking at me for a while now. But you're right, I've slipped on these dialogue rules a countless number of times.
And yes, this fan fiction actually was dated well before the DP era was even announced in Japan. The details behind the "Now he looked ready to dish out some serious pain" and "After a harsh bite down from Houndoom, Espeon was knocked back," I totally get what you're saying and only now did the logic hit me. The vagueness of the former probably just needs more description to illustrate the visual effect that Jake is recognizing, while Houndoom's attack just needs more logic to it (typically, Pokémon games/anime never go into the grizzly detail of razor-sharp teeth tearing through skin and flesh). Of course in a fan fiction, that can be changed, and its just a matter of remembering that.
Redundancy is also another slip up of mine that I've been trying to work on, though I have been improving with it. Again, these chapters were written six years ago back when I was still trying to weed out these habits of mine. Can't help but say, as you read this story, you'll likely see how much I've improved over the years.
So yes, I do agree with you on the following things:
1. It needs to be treated more like a real battle, and NOT like the games. Six years ago, it was easy to forget this, and chances are that in order to really make it work, most of these battles would need to be completely rewritten over. At the moment, my real goal is to continue writing part IV, but once that's done, I'll probably make that revision.
2. Yeah, there are still fragments of grammar mistakes that I still make from time to time, but I'm working on those. Its actually quite hard to achieve perfection.
3. Truthfully, this first part is the only real part that that tries the mirror the anime/games. Everything after this definitely changes A LOT.
But still, thanks for the very deep review, you've definitely helped a lot when it comes to proofreading as well as keeping things in mind when writing future chapters.
I'm loving the story. Too bad there's only 15 chapters up now 'cause I'm wanting more. There were a couple mistakes I found where you omitted a few words (there's one in the first chapter, about halfway through and two others in the 14 other chapters) but I'm loving this story, utterly and entirely.
I'm loving the story. Too bad there's only 15 chapters up now 'cause I'm wanting more. There were a couple mistakes I found where you omitted a few words (there's one in the first chapter, about halfway through and two others in the 14 other chapters) but I'm loving this story, utterly and entirely.
Only like a week had passed, but it felt far longer than that. Surprisingly, I was able to focus more on school and less on screwing around. My whole mentally changed around, and I was no longer the nasty, little creep I used to be. And Frank no longer stayed around Randy like he used to. He kept to himself, and we in turn kept our distance from him as well. But I could see in his eyes he wasn't the same he used to be either. He ate less, talked less, and stayed away from people like they were a plague. I never bothered him anymore, but something else must have been bothering him.
Jeff was too much involved with sports now, always saying to Randy that he had to get to practice for one of the many sports he had signed up for. I had looked at him for the longest time, and all the while it looked like nothing had ever happened. And then again, maybe it was because he was the one least affected by the whole thing after all. The rest of us… we really weren't the same anymore.
But I would never forget the awful mistake Randy made only a week ago, using a strange, magical necklace to create his own world. I didn't believe anything of it at first, but all that quickly changed when I found reality torn to pieces in ways I could never imagine. Supposedly, Jeff's father had found this necklace, once owned by some guy by the name of Quista. After Jeff gave it to Randy, he used its power to create his own world, just for one purpose…
Randy never used to be good at Pokémon battling, and the three of us, Alex, David, and I, used to brutally pick on him and shamefully beat Randy's inexperienced Pokémon for sheer pleasure. Once Randy had created his own world, he gave himself the most powerful Pokémon he could think of, as well as giving them the power to use any attack, even ones purely created from his imagination. After Alex and David had lost to him, he made the two of him his servants, leaving me alone. The only way I could get the three of us out of Randy's world was to prove to him that even in his dream world he couldn't beat us. The only one who had helped me with this was Coldblood, who gave me the power to put me on the same level as Randy. It was then decided that I would go in disguise, so Randy couldn't tell who I really was. Coldblood had decided I would disguise myself as a Pikachu, the one Pokémon that Randy had always wanted but had been unable to catch.
But in Randy's world, this Pikachu already existed, created from Randy's dreams and imagined to be arguably one of the most powerful Pikachus in existence. Randy would have called his Pikachu "Juno" if he had ever caught one, though in the real word, any caught Pikachu would never be as powerful as the one that Randy had imagined. But since Juno already existed in the realm of Randy's dream world, when I took his place, I was stuck as Juno until Randy's world was destroyed and the real world returned. But Randy never knew I was Juno when I fought him face to face in what had to be the most outrageous battle of my life. I didn't tell him either, because I knew the consequences of him finding out would be awful.
After a brutal battle, I had won against Randy and it was all over with. I would never forget what I had done, putting even myself into such a harsh situation just to make sure the brutal nightmare would end for all time. But it was over with now, never to happen again. I would never battle Randy ever again after that. I still had thoughts of that brutal experience, and the last thing I needed to do was give myself a reminder of it. However, thoughts and dreams of Juno still lingered on even after that…
In fact, for a week I had completely avoided Pokémon battling altogether. For some reason I wasn't ready to do it again. Still, I kept telling myself that I would get back into it soon enough. I definitely didn't want to completely retire from it, but there was too much on my mind for the moment.
It wasn't until I had gotten home one afternoon that things really went wild. For once, I hadn't even been thinking of the incident only a week ago, I was just trying to get back on my feet and keep going on with life. For once I was able to grab the time to be by myself.
I had gotten home, grabbed my belt with my Pokéballs, and had headed out to the small, grassy backyard we had in the back of the house. Then, when I reached the white, stone patio, I had looked at my belt. While I had all five of my Pokémon, something confused me. I had originally had four while I was in Randy's world, but while I was there, I had obtained another one, a Pokémon totally part of Randy's dreams. I couldn't help but think of a single, beckoning question…
How was I able to pull something from Randy's dream world into the real one? It just didn't make sense. It made me question just how much I really did pull out of that bizarre place. Regardless, I had grabbed my fifth Pokéball, and tossed it into the air, where it hit the patio stone and released the Pokémon inside, my Latias.
She had emerged from the bright flash, and immediately looked around. She then found me, standing only a few feet away. She looked at me curiously for a moment with her shiny eyes.
"Where… are we?" She asked in question, looking around her and noticing the surrounding was quite different.
"This is my home, as well as yours." I told her, hoping that in time she would get used to it.
And I could have slapped my mouth at that moment. How on Earth was I still able to understand what she was saying…? No, that was far too strange. I knew she didn't have a natural ability to talk. There was something else…
But I kept myself quiet. I simply showed Latias around, and then put her back into her Pokéball, and didn't say another word. Oddly enough, I only made things worse. How was it even possible? Something was seriously wrong. Nothing of any of this was right…
I then, I thought of something. If I had pulled something from Randy's world, Randy must have had to as well. I had decided I would talk to him tomorrow, yes, the very person that had once been my worst enemy. But something was telling me he wasn't going to be anymore considering what had happened. I just had to know something.
By the end of the day, I was exhausted, and I didn't know what it was from. I hadn't been running around, everything had seemed normal. When I finally settled down to go to sleep, I tried to get my mind off the events of last week. They shouldn't have been haunting me like this, but I couldn't get my mind off of it. And to think, I should have been satisfied enough to just be in a real bed again, for once. After I got comfortable and just put it aside, I shut my eyes…
And suddenly I felt like I had been thrown on the floor, which felt like cold, hardened metal against my back. I couldn't see anything for a harsh, chilling moment as everything was bathed in black, but then I was able to open my eyes.
All around me was metal, cold and dark. It had felt like I was in a normal hallway, only I could barely see anything. And then, in trying to get up, I quickly realized I was not myself anymore. I was Juno, as if I had been Juno this whole time and never once was a human being. I didn't understand it, but I never thought anything was wrong in my dream trance than just accepted everything that happened.
Then, a bright, red light had emerged from the end of the hallway, and a silhouette of a dark, tall figure was slowly walking toward me, holding some sort of large, blunt weapon in his hands. I put my tiny hands behind me and slowly crept away on my back in a hopeless retreat, and hoping that he wouldn't notice me or I wasn't worth his time to kill anyway.
Pipes mounted on the ceiling were blowing steam in front of him, and I had trouble trying to recognize who it was. Still, I frantically tried to crawl away, but I wasn't getting very far. Then, I had stood up, and began running in the opposite direction, but I was met with a nasty surprise. I had been running in pitch black darkness until I slammed right into a wall. I frantically looked behind me only to see the figure move closer and closer.
He was going to kill me, and for reasons I didn't know why. I had stayed in the darkness, thinking he wouldn't see me, but it seemed like he already knew where I was, and he began to approach me, slowly just to keep my anxiety rushing for a longer amount of time. Then, he was standing right above me, and he took his weapon, raised it in the air, and it forcefully came toward me at a feverish pace.
I nearly woke up screaming. I kicked and had thrown off my bed covers, and looked at my hands to make sure I still wasn't Juno. I had sighed in relief when I realized I was still normal, and more importantly, untouched despite the fear. I simply turned and I checked the clock by my bed and it was only four in the morning.
I'm not an extremely good grammar checker but I know this for a fact: This sentence is wrong. If you take out the middle part it becomes this: For some reason maybe because I wasn't so ready to do it again.
I believe you should fix that.
Lemme try: For some weird reason, I felt like I wasn't ready to do it again.
But I want the chapter uploaded soooooon. Maybe you can try posting one everyday? That would be acceptable as it's not three in one day and it gives time for reviews. Plus it would get you waaay closer to your full chapter total in the same time.
Only one chapter? I was hoping for a tleast two more :(
I'm not an extremely good grammar checker but I know this for a fact: This sentence is wrong. If you take out the middle part it becomes this: For some reason maybe because I wasn't so ready to do it again.
I believe you should fix that.
Lemme try: For some weird reason, I felt like I wasn't ready to do it again.
But I want the chapter uploaded soooooon. Maybe you can try posting one everyday? That would be acceptable as it's not three in one day and it gives time for reviews. Plus it would get you waaay closer to your full chapter total in the same time.
That next morning, I got dressed, ate breakfast, and walked to school all in complete silence. I barely said anything to the rest of my family, though it was pretty much that way all the time. I just went to school and wanted to keep quiet. I didn't want anyone to assume anything by looking at my face either, so I tried to keep a calm and neutral expression. Thoughts were constantly stabbing at my mind, and the last thing I wanted to do was talk about it or say something that would only make it worse. I already knew that trying to act like nothing ever happened was going to be impossible. But the least I could do was to avoid making it look so obvious…
I barely paid attention in class, now unable to get my mind off of just trying to meet Randy when we were let out. After four long classes of complete bore, I dashed out the back exit. I couldn't wait another second to get it out.
"Man, aren't you in a hurry…" I heard a familiar voice say right behind me.
I turned around and looked back into the stairway to see Alex, one of my best friends. He seemed a bit shocked at the mess I had become.
"You were dozing off in class this morning, Jake," Alex told me, seeming a bit concerned. "Have you been thinking about something?"
"It's about Randy," I told Alex, knowing exactly what that would remind him of. "I think it's about time we talk to him, and find out how exactly this all happened. Something about it still bothers me."
He was silent. His only response was a simple and quiet nod, and then he followed me. The two of us headed out the door and found Randy in the one place where he always hung out after school: on a black, metal bench completely by himself. The two of us approached him, and he looked up at us with hesitation and anxiety in his eyes.
"Randy, we need to talk," Alex said firmly to him. "We could really use some answers."
Randy had already known what Alex was talking about, and he didn't look like he wanted to fight about it. Instead, he stood up, and looked at Alex in the eyes.
"Look, let's go some place where no one is going to see or hear us, okay?" Randy asked Alex, already knowing what this was about. "I don't want this to go floating around."
"Fine, Randy," Alex agreed, still keeping it quiet. "How about we talk in one of those dugouts in that old, abandoned baseball field?"
Only about a half a mile away was an old baseball field that hadn't been used in nearly a decade. After Randy had said yes, we simply walked our way over there, totally out of sight by anyone. Randy moved in a very stiff fashion, seeming like he was very uncomfortable at the moment. I knew he didn't want to talk about this but if I didn't say anything about it, it would haunt me for months to come.
When we had arrived, we stepped inside one of the concrete dugouts and sat down on the old, wooden bench inside. Meanwhile, Alex sat down on the concrete stairs leading out into the dusty field.
"I want to know something, Randy," Alex told him, not wasting another second. "You know what happened just last week. You gave us the nightmare of our lives."
"What… is it that you want to know?" Randy asked Alex, feeling very uncomfortable.
"Who is Juno?" Alex asked coldly. "How was a normal, everyday Pikachu able to beat you?"
I was silent, and felt incredibly sick at that moment. I already perfectly knew the answer to that one, but I didn't want to say anything at all. Neither of them knew it was me.
"I really don't know," Randy asked, trying to fight off the pressure. "I couldn't understand his commands, and after he decided to enter the fight himself, he just never seemed to go down despite the serious beating I gave him. I hit him with everything I could, but nothing ever stopped him. I just don't know how Juno was able to do it…"
"No, really, Randy," I asked him, trying to cover my tracks. "Just who is this Pikachu? You obviously know him somehow…"
Randy looked at me for an instant, and then started to look toward the ground by his feet.
"I always wanted a Pikachu," Randy said sadly, totally avoiding any eye contact with either of us. "Juno is the name I would have given him if I ever caught one. And I'll admit, I imagined him to be way more than a normal Pikachu would ever be. Juno was a side of me that was a burden that wouldn't go away no matter how hard I tried. It wasn't any surprise he decided to battle me and he was the one who won. It seemed like he was always doing that in some way."
Interesting. I never thought of it that way. I was just about to say something when…
"You're about to see the truth…" I heard a cold voice say out of nowhere.
Randy and I had looked up in complete shock, and Alex frantically turned around to see who had snuck up on us. In a feral instinct of paranoia, I suddenly became very defensive. Before us stood a brown haired man in black cloak, who seemingly just came out of nowhere. He was wearing sandals, and had a very stiff and aggressive look on his face, as if he was ready to fight at any second. He spoke very quickly and aggressively.
"Who the hell are you?" Alex asked in surprise.
"I want to know who the three of you are, first," The fair-skinned man replied firmly. "Only now have I been able to track down the location of one of my most prized possessions, only to find it has been completely destroyed…"
He was obviously talking about the necklace. I don't know how it ended up breaking, but there was something else I really wanted to know.
"You're Quista, that powerful Kavaskian sorcerer?" I asked the man, not even wanting to guess of what he was capable of unleashing on us.
He started snickering. Instantly, at that moment, I felt like I had said something extremely stupid.
"So that's who they think I am?" He asked mockingly. "My real name is Zander. I'm not Kavaskian either, someone had stolen that necklace from me thousands of years ago, and I didn't even get the chance to use it. And no, I'm not a typical human either."
Now we were beginning to freak out. I thought this guy was going to murder us after we smashed his necklace, but for some odd reason, I couldn't even bring myself to fight him…
"But then…" Randy stuttered in total fear, "…how could you still be alive…?"
"I don't care about that right now," Zander replied with a cold stare, looking right back at Randy. "One of you used my necklace, and created your own world. That necklace was meant for me. My long search for it had ended in its destruction, and I want to know who's responsible!"
This was far worse than getting sent to the principal's office for getting into a fight. This guy looked ready to kill us, and no one would ever find us here for days. Still, we were silent. Something in me said to point to Randy, but I never ended up doing so. Yet, just a week ago with my nasty personality, I would have been fingering him like crazy. It was really strange how much I had changed on the inside…
"So who was it!?" Zander shouted angrily.
We were still silent. Then, he gave us a really sick stare, and I was quivering. I thought my life was over at that moment.
"I can make you all become sunken with fear," Zander glared with fury. "You think I don't know what happened!? One of you became frustrated enough to use it in the first place, another created an alter-ego for himself, and the third became a servant for the first. The first of you used my necklace to create your own world, for only one pathetic purpose."
"Stop it, please…" Randy begged, finding out the hard way this guy already knew the truth about us.
"You couldn't tolerate your companions' endless defeats, so you created your own companions and made yourself a champion," Zander growled at Randy. "Can you possibly fathom how much of a waste you made of that necklace!?"
Randy was shaking his head. He didn't want to believe this was actually happening.
"I couldn't stand losing all the time at Pokémon battling," Randy complained. "I needed something to help me win for once."
"But that isn't all," Zander growled, looking angrily upon Randy. "You wasted the necklace's power to pull things out of your dream realm into reality. You gave it all up simply because even in your dream world, you were still defeated!"
So Randy gave up on all those legendaries he had simply because they didn't win that last fight for him. Meanwhile, Jeff, Alex, David, and Frank didn't look like they managed to pull anything out of Randy's dream world either. Was I really the only one that actually did? I didn't even know how I pulled it off.
"I was going to use that necklace to go to the place of my desires so I could summon them into reality, but instead it was wasted on you!" Zander shouted angrily out of frustration, "I could have had endless power, wealth, and resources, but instead it was wasted on you! Your purpose for using it was meaningless and you gained nothing form it! It took me nearly a lifetime to craft that necklace!"
I kept my mouth shut. Now I knew why he had come to us from out of nowhere. Randy used his necklace for a stupid reason, stupid compared to what really could have been done with it. Hell, Randy could have created an endless amount of whatever the hell he wanted and pull it back into reality. Yet now… it was way too late for anything like that. I could see what was making this guy so angry.
"You…" Zander said harshly, now facing me. "You are a completely different story. You wanted to free yourself from this maggot's world by defeating him. The only way to do it was to hide yourself."
Now Randy was looking at me in curiosity. As I gritted my teeth from the realization of this all, I knew Randy was going to find out everything in a matter of moments. I really didn't want it to turn out this way, but like hell I had any choice about it.
"You disguised yourself from this maggot by turning yourself into his own, living desire," Zander said with a hint of cynical laughter in his tone. "So you became a Pikachu by the name of Juno, and you defeated this maggot with the help of a Latias that bonded with you. When his world had vanished, you awoke to find yourself as normal human being. But by becoming another living creature in his world, you took his essence with you, along with that Latias you found. The only reason why you're not Juno any longer is because your purpose in this world is to serve it as Jake Kossak. But you won't believe how easily this can be changed!"
"Jake, you were actually Juno!?" Randy asked me in complete shock.
"Randy…" I whispered to him, "…just shut the hell up…"
From the way this guy was sounding, it seemed he only needed a bit more than a snap of a finger to turn me right back into a Pikachu, and there wasn't anything I could do to stop him…
Man, as if Randy's first mistake hadn't been bad enough, we were about to suffer a second time for it. I was really wondering what the hell I had done to deserve this. I didn't even know what Zander was if he wasn't truly human, and my guess was as good as anyone else's. The only thing I was aware of was he was angry at us for destroying his priceless necklace. What was to stop him from just making another one? Besides, making our lives a complete misery wasn't going to help him get it back anyway.
"I don't see why you would want to turn me back into a Pikachu," I told Zander honestly. "It's not like that is going to change anything. Why don't you just make another necklace and be done with it?"
"It took me thousands of years to make that one!" Zander shouted in fury, despising how little I knew about these things. "I would force you to make a replacement, but you wouldn't last long enough and you don't even have half the power to do it. The only thing I can get from you is revenge."
I thought Randy was going to be furious when I told him I was actually Juno. Instead, he had looked at me, and almost began to feel sick.
"I can't believe…" Randy stuttered softly, "…you went through all that trouble to just beat me. You almost killed yourself out there… I'm really sorry, Jake. I… never meant for you… to go that far."
He certainly wouldn't have said that a week ago. It seemed like when we were in Randy's world, all the suffering we encountered wouldn't have been enough. Now, it seemed like he was truly beginning to regret it. Better late than never I suppose. At least we finally got over brutally hating each other…
"That doesn't matter now," Zander said in a serious tone. "You've taken something from me that I've spent my whole life making and looking for. And here, after all these years, I find the three of you are the reason why that necklace no longer exists."
"Hey, man," Alex told Zander in a casual tone. "I wasn't any part of this. I'll tell you right now…"
"You were an accomplice!" Zander shouted, totally interrupting Alex. "You're no better than the others. For this, all three of you will be punished. I know only of a few torments that would accurately represent the pain and frustration you have given to me."
From my side, this all sounded like serious lunacy. He obviously sounded like he had no interest in actually killing us, seeming like that was just an easy way out of it. I couldn't imagine what this guy was thinking.
"I don't know what the hell you're even talking about," Alex said straight to Zander's face. "Let's face it, the necklace is gone, pal. It's over with. Maybe you should have made it more durable, ever think of that, genius?"
Zander stood there looking very infuriated at Alex. I honestly didn't fear this guy. I had stopped feeling so afraid, and knew there was little this guy could really do to us. This guy didn't have his necklace anymore, so what did I care?
"You destroyed my only possession, utterly wasting it on mere, pathetic desires that you didn't even bother of preserving by making them real," Zander growled in fury. "You wasted it completely! Now, I'm going to make the three of you suffer for what you've done. You'll see what happens to those who infuriate me!"
Then, he outstretched his arm, opened his hand, and showed us his bare palm. Almost immediately, a strange, gothic-looking symbol appeared on his hand, glowing with an eerie violet-colored light. Seconds later the whole sky went black and the whole baseball field became a sick, crimson red. I felt nauseous and shaky as everything in front of me swirled like mixing paint. Everything slowly became black, and I passed out…
* * *
I had awoken, but had not opened my eyes. The air around me was cold, and I could feel a faint breeze coming from above. The floor felt frozen and stiff, and only then did I open my eyes and take a look around me. For a moment, I felt paranoid. I knew it wasn't long ago that I had felt this same feeling.
I then realized it was completely impossible for me to still be on Earth. The room was completely made of metal, mostly rusted scrap. Everything seemed so giant to me until I realized why that was…
I looked down at my yellow paws and feet and realized had become Juno again, a sight and feeling far too familiar. Those moments of horror were slowly coming back to me now. The fighting, the suffering, the loneliness were felt all over again. My long, yellow and black tipped ears, my thunderbolt-shaped tail, my posture, and my tiny, yellow hands, all of it made me immediately question if I was to spend the rest of eternity like this. I knew I couldn't run away from it anymore. I took Juno and all his amazing powers out of Randy's dream world, but little did I know this confirmation of acceptance would drastically change my destiny forever. Now, Juno's essence was locked inside my soul, and I had a feeling this was something that could never be undone now…
The room was a jail cell as I quickly realized the only window to the outside had bars around it, and the only exit was a circular, reinforced steel security vault door. There was no chance of ever getting past that thing. After looking around, I saw I was alone in this cold cell with no one but myself. No one but my persistent thoughts and fears…
My curiosity had taken a hold of me as I slowly climbed on top of the single, rickety metal bunk bed and made my way toward the window. When I slowly approached it, I had seen what was outside. It looked like Hell itself, like I had been condemned to this miserable place of damnation for all eternity to spend it as a Pikachu, of all things.
The sky was a horrid mixture of red and gray with passing black storm clouds that were constantly moving and mixing. Thunder and lightning were always occasionally lighting up dark patches of sky, and I could feel the rumbling from far away. Despite how long I looked at it, it never once stopped…
Meanwhile, on the ground it looked like fields upon fields of a wasteland of twisted, dying trees had covered the landscape. In some places, fissures had opened up, seeming to be endless pits waiting to swallow up anything that had fallen in and never release them ever again. But nothing was moving, except for the flashing thunder in the skies above, the swirling of dark clouds, and the swaying of dead trees from a lonesome wind that quickly came and quickly passed.
Randy's world was a joyful play land compared to this place. I sure didn't want to stay in this miserable prison, but something kept asking me if going outside was any better. From what I saw, it seemed I was probably better off inside within the safety of my own cell. Even if Randy, Alex and I had gotten out of here, there wasn't any chance we could possibly travel on that type of landscape. It seemed the land itself had gone mad…
As I looked at my tiny, yellow hands again, and I tried to wonder why Zander thought it was better for me to be a Pikachu. Did he think the whole thing was amusing or something? Or was this actually something he didn't have control over? But no matter what, that wasn't going to change anything. There probably was no place for Jake Kossak in this world, whatever this place was. After all, my strongest belief was that this was a representation of Zander's mind, though I couldn't be sure. I couldn't see why anyone would want to tear up their own world like this… unless it wasn't really his own-created world after all. Why oh why did I feel like I'd rather be off in Randy's world, despite how incredibly awful it was? I had only been here for a few minutes, and I already wanted to get out of here.
I already knew the cast iron bars blocking the window were too thick and too close together to bypass, but even if I could, I don't think I wanted to be walking alone in that geographical nightmare. I was hoping the other side of this prison wouldn't be as freaky as the other, but I wasn't going to place my bets on that.
I had approached the vault door, and tried to see if there was any lock whatsoever, but instead, all I saw was the back of the circular vault door, no keyhole or anything. Still, I couldn't pick a lock for the life of me anyway, especially with only my bare hands. Obviously, the only way to get out of here was if someone opened the door from the other side. I had no idea how long it was going to take before that happened, but waiting around for that to happen wasn't going to help anyway.
After looking around, I truly saw no way out at all. I knew I wouldn't get out of this nightmare if I just stayed here and waited to rot away. Someone was going to have to come and at least feed me something, or I would just die of starvation. Then I thought rationally. If Zander really wanted us to die, he would have killed us in that abandoned baseball field. He wouldn't have waited for us to fall over, rot, and stink up his whole jail, or whatever this miserable place was. That wasn't our purpose here, so there had to be something else involved.
The floor was made up of solid metal panels of an array of grays, browns, and silvers, all secured with extremely heavy bolts. They were nice and tight on the floor, and they weren't going to come up without some sort of heavy construction tools, which of course I didn't have. Plus the bolts were mostly rusted over, which meant they were pretty much stuck in there for good…
I had looked up at the ceiling, now seeing smaller square panels of a deep bluish metal, with smaller bolts on each corner that hadn't been rusted over like the ones on the floor. I had looked up at all of them, and saw out of the corner of my eyes, there was a panel in the corner on the right side of the window, with one of its bolts missing on the right corner next to the wall.
If I were to remove that panel, it might just be a way out of here…
The only problem with removing that panel was it was fifteen feet in the air, and there was nothing for me to even get close to it. I had turned to the bunk bed unit, which would reach high enough for me to remove the panel, but how would I be able to move it? If I were still human, it wouldn't have been a problem, since the metal bunk bed wasn't exactly the sturdiest thing in the room. But as a little Pikachu, it might be next to impossible.
Suddenly, to my surprise, the vault door had clicked, and slowly swung open. By the time I had turned around, I had seen a red, clawed hand holding a pewter bowl just suddenly drop the bowl it was holding by the door, and then just like that, it was quickly shut again.
Just for curiosity, I had walked over to the bowl, and I could have puked. It looked and smelled like hot, salty vomit. It was a musty brown and orange color, like somebody tossed their cookies in it, as well as took of dump of diarrhea all over what was there already. I didn't care if it took me the rest of the week to move that bunk bed, there was no way in hell I was going to stay here.
I had grasped one of the metal poles supporting the upper deck and tried to pull as hard as I could. At first, I thought I was making absolutely no progress whatsoever, but I did notice that when I looked down, I made a little bit of progress and moved the bunk bed unit a few inches. After hours of struggling, I must have pulled it five feet away from the metal wall before falling on my hands from exhaustion. I then tried pushing to see if that would change anything. It was a bit better, and I went a few more feet, but it was still at least twenty feet away from the wall, and I needed rest. It felt like pushing a truck in neutral…
After a few hours of rest, I gave it another shot, only to go seven more feet before my hands and feet were aching. I couldn't go on, and I needed to stop for a while or my hands were going to start bleeding. But for now, I needed to get rid of that vomit soup, before they began to assume I was going to try and starve myself…
So, I grabbed the bowl, held my breath after getting a small but appalling whiff of the nausea-inducing soup, walked with it across the room, and dumped the stuff out the window. It was disgustingly lumpy and it smelled even worse as I poured it out. I then promptly took the bowl, put it by the door to make them think I finished off the whole thing, and then headed for the lower bunk of the bed. I didn't care for the fact there weren't any pillows and only one sheet. I was too tired…
I woke up around midnight, still feeling a little disoriented. However, after I came back to my senses and remembered what I was trying to do, I quickly headed back to try and move the bunk bed. I pushed as hard as I could for as long as I could hold out, and soon enough, I finally made it to the other side of the wall. I then climbed my way up to the top bunk, which wasn't any better than the first. I had made my way to the loose panel, and saw there were only three bolts I had to remove since one of them had already fallen out. I had put my hands on the first of the three, and turned it counter-clockwise. This one hadn't been in too tight either, and after about twenty spins, it came out. The other two were a bit harder, but after I tried hard enough, all the bolts came out, and the panel fell from the ceiling and onto the top bunk, revealing a hole in the ceiling.
The hole that was left was only a foot by foot square. While I might have had an easier time pushing the bunk bed as a human, there was no way I could fit through that hole as one. But now, being a Pikachu made all the difference. I ducked, positioned myself under the hole, and looked up.
It appeared to be some sort of ventilation duct of some sort, which was surprising since I didn't see any vent grates in my cell. How considerate of them…
I put my hands on the edge, and hoisted myself into the duct. It was very dimly lit, so I had to first get adjusted to the darkness, and use the dim light coming from the other vents to see. I slowly crawled my way through the vent, making sure to be as quiet as possible. As I made my way about twenty feet, I had come across a vent leading to another room. When I looked through the vent grill, it looked like a guard's lounge. I took a quick glance around the room and noticed the only ones in the room were an Ampharos and a Skarmory just standing by the table, talking to each other.
The room was completely metal as well, only it looked much cleaner than my cell. The table didn't look in that great of a shape however, having rust patches all over the surface. The metal seats were crudely made, and two vending machines in the corner were on and humming but duct tape was all over the plastic window of the snack machine.
"I can't believe they're going to do it again…" The Ampharos said with doubt to the Skarmory, looking exhausted for some odd reason.
"Doesn't matter," The Skarmory quickly replied. "You know what happened to The Bend and Cyphex. Those cities lie in ruins now. This used to be their city too, until we trashed it and took it over…"
I was deeply wondering who and what they were talking about. I kept away from the grate so they wouldn't see me, and I listened in…
They kept talking for over an hour, and I sat there listening to every bit of it. It sounded like they were talking about a war, one between a league called the Silver Rebellion and the Crimson Stars. It turned out this was a jail run by the Crimson Stars. It made me wonder for a moment. Why would Zander want to wage a war in the realm of his mind? Or maybe I was assuming the wrong thing? Maybe this wasn't his world at all… But if that was the case, then where was I really?
"When do you think we will fight again?" The Skarmory asked, looking curiously at Ampharos.
"Maybe soon, since it won't be long before it's all over," Ampharos told him with pure confidence. "The Silver Rebellion doesn't have any leaders left, they'll all dead or in jail. Once we attack their capital of Symarix, it isn't even going to matter any more. The rebels are fading."
Who were these rebels, and what were they rebelling for? I was just about to leave when I realized something. My belt with my Pokéballs was hanging from a nearby rack, along with two others. How could these maggots steal my Pokémon? I sure as hell wasn't going to let them get away with that. I moved right up to the grate, and kicked it as hard as I could. Perhaps a little too hard…
The grate popped out like it was only leaning against the vent hole's rims. I didn't care. Those Pokémon were mine, and no one was going to take them from me. I had looked out the vent, and jumped out, landing on a metal shelf unit that was right below. The Ampharos and the Skarmory immediately looked up at me.
"Who the hell are you!?" The Ampharos exclaimed, looking up at me in shock
"You'd better give back my Pokémon," I told them both in a firm voice. "I don't take anyone stealing anything from me lightly."
"Oh man," The Skarmory snickered, not taking anything of it seriously. "You are so dead for picking a fight with me."
Almost immediately, the Ampharos charged up his own electric attack, and just before he fired it at me, I jumped off the shelf unit, and landed firmly on the table. Just a second later, the shelf was blasted with electricity, sending dozens of metal cans flying in all directions.
I shielded myself from the barrage of metal cans, and seconds later they had all hit the floor, creating a loud, clanging noise. When it was all over with, Ampharos had turned to me, not looking very happy at all.
"Boy, you are one dead puppy," Ampharos sneered. "Do you really think you can take us down?"
"Yep, simply for the fact your electrical power can't hurt me and your Skarmory friend can't even take flight in here, so it's going to be your loss," I told him, saying it right to his face.
"That's what you think," Skarmory said in a cold tone, spreading his silver blade wings, and leaping right at me with steadfast determination.
And I don't know what happened right after that, but I instantly felt myself go flying backward right of the table, and I saw the table was sliced in two equal pieces. I had hit the wall, and soon slid down the wall and onto the floor. I looked down and saw my chest had been badly scratched. I could feel the burn of pain all over me.
The two halves of the metal table had laid flat on the floor, and the Skarmory had been right between them. I then realized what he had done. I never imagined a Steel Wing attack to be so strong…
"You are nothing," The Skarmory told me, looking at me in the corner, "I've fought much tougher Pokémon from the Silver Rebellion than you."
"I'm not part of the Silver Rebellion." I told the Skarmory as I got up off the floor.
For a moment, they actually seemed shocked that I wasn't. But nonetheless, it was the truth. I didn't even know who the Silver Rebellion was…
"Really?" The Ampharos asked in surprise, "Then where the hell are you from?"
"Heh, don't bother," The Skarmory smiled to his companion. "He doesn't know."
That punk. I immediately charged up as much electricity as I could and directed it right toward Skarmory. He only had a split second to react as he saw the incoming thunder, but it wasn't fast enough…
Skarmory had been struck hard, and he glowed like a light bulb from the blast. After about ten solid seconds of generous toasting, I released my power, and Skarmory stumbled over and fell to the floor, landing on his chest with his thin, metal wings spread out.
But, even as that happened, the Ampharos looked to his fallen companion, and knew Skarmory had the disadvantage and couldn't help it. But taking down Ampharos wasn't going to be as easy…
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