[Pokémon] Shattered [M]

I'm happy that you think so, Katherine. As for what was in the spoiler tags . . . I will neither confirm nor deny that.

Aha. *taps nose*

Every great writer has to keep their secrets.

Indeed, it's never good to reveal things too early. Although I am really bad at foreshadowing, so if you see something as far out of place as a snowball in Texas (in July), it's probably gonna crop up again at some point. Just a heads up. =D

Wait... I've seen people with green cloaks before. Um... [thinks] Is the baselines of this group of Freaky Anti-Trainer People in canon? =O

There are freaky anti-Trainer people in canon? I can't say I've encountered them previously.

Well, I vaguely remember seeing a group of people in green cloaks... x .x

Well, I can safely say that I was not consciously influenced by these people.

Alright, then. Thanks for clearing that up.

*I'm back*
Oh great, another chapter.
Well, for fics that I like, I usually give my review to honor the author in some way so here goes.

Haley glared at her pack as if the sheer force of her gaze would make it lighter.

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Hmm... this style of writing vaguely reminds me of some J.K. Rowling (or some other good writer). Are you sure you're not her? (I don't know, you didn't give your gender.)

Shall we go, then?" Haley was surprised to hear Jerry speaking. "We're all here, so there's no sense beating about the bush, right?"

"You were going to tell us about that Avos person," Tyson reminded him.

"Yep," said Jerry. "Just wait until we're on the boat." He began to walk, and they hurried to catch up, Matthew sloping silently along as usual.

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Jerry/Jeremiah seems a bit to cheery when Tyson said that. I know he's a happy-go-lucky type(presumably) but it just seems OOC in contrast with the seriousness on the previous day.

Haley looked back over Sunyshore. Closest to the ship was Domain Road, Sunyshore's famed beachfront restaurant strip. Being early in the morning, only a few establishments were open. Open or not, there was almost nobody around. With the morning sun reflecting off a hundred glass windows along the curved street, Domain Road looked like a multifaceted golden diamond.

Beyond Domain Road, the glittering spires of the CBD rose above the rest of Sunyshore. Commercialism was becoming a major part of life in the city, with many big-name corporations moving in each year.

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I love filler. It makes the story seem like it's set in the real world and that the protagonists are not the centre of the Universe and that no matter how you look at it, the world continues to change around us.

"Who was that yesterday?" Haley asked. "You mentioned something about . . . what was it? Avos?" Jerry sighed.

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Apart from the fact that Jerry seems to swing from happy to serious to happy to serious, the part 'Jerry sighed.' bugs me a little. Correct me if I'm wrong but something doesn't seem right. It sounds like Jerry was doing the talking in the last sentence. If he was, it should be another line.

"No," he said quietly. "Recently, there've been a lot of reports of large colonies of wild Pokémon killed in some horrible way or another. Whether it's toxic gases, shredding blades or bullets, there are rarely any survivors. The Cult of Avos is the prime suspect, but there's never enough evidence to press charges. The government's been trying to keep it quiet, but it hasn't really been working."

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Yes I'm sadistic. This part really caught my attention due to the gore involved.

Mizan Nix Zamnie said:

*I'm back*
Oh great, another chapter.
Well, for fics that I like, I usually give my review to honor the author in some way so here goes.

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Why thank you! I had to see your avatar to work out who you were =D

Hmm... this style of writing vaguely reminds me of some J.K. Rowling (or some other good writer). Are you sure you're not her? (I don't know, you didn't give your gender.)

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I can assure you now that I'm not a published author of any kind, so I'll take that as a compliment, I guess? Now you mention it, though, that does sound a little like something Rowling would write. I think I have been subconsciously influenced due to my recent rereads of the HP series.

Jerry/Jeremiah seems a bit to cheery when Tyson said that. I know he's a happy-go-lucky type(presumably) but it just seems OOC in contrast with the seriousness on the previous day.

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Well, he's not bipolar, I can assure you that. He just gets mood swings, but is generally cheery. When the Cult of Avos comes up, for example, he gets serious. He's had some bad experiences with them in the past, which as you can see he's not willing to talk about at the moment.

I love filler. It makes the story seem like it's set in the real world and that the protagonists are not the centre of the Universe and that no matter how you look at it, the world continues to change around us

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You would not believe how long it took me to write that. But it was so much fun.

Apart from the fact that Jerry seems to swing from happy to serious to happy to serious, the part 'Jerry sighed.' bugs me a little. Correct me if I'm wrong but something doesn't seem right. It sounds like Jerry was doing the talking in the last sentence. If he was, it should be another line.

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It is Haley speaking there, but it bugs me too. See, logically, 'Jerry sighed' should not be getting its own line, as it's not actually a separate idea (i.e. he's sighing at what Haley said). For now, all I can do is try and avoid that situation, unless someone points me to a grammatical rule to contradict what I've learned.

Yes I'm sadistic. This part really caught my attention due to the gore involved.

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Yes, I am too. You'll be glad to know we'll be investigating this further.

So, thanks for reviewing! Your input is always eagerly anticipated. And welcome back.

I love how the last line of this chapter is, "His boss scared him sometimes." XD

I say I like the chapter a lot, mostly as it's from Haley's point of view. Seems like she has some doubt about this journey, which of course everyone does if they're going on an adventure for the first time. I like the realistic approach to that.

The last part is interesting also. Now I'm wondering which side plays the antagonist role, and which side plays the protagonist role…

So far everything's looking good here. Sorry for no criticism as everyone else pretty much beat me to it. XD

Bay said:

I love how the last line of this chapter is, "His boss scared him sometimes." XD

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I just had to inject some humour into an otherwise serious scene, didn't I? You don't think it killed the mood, do you?

I say I like the chapter a lot, mostly as it's from Haley's point of view. Seems like she has some doubt about this journey, which of course everyone does if they're going on an adventure for the first time. I like the realistic approach to that.

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Thank you kindly. Realism is one thing we don't see enough of in fanfiction, and I'm honoured you think I've achieved that.

The last part is interesting also. Now I'm wondering which side plays the antagonist role, and which side plays the protagonist role…

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I'm not quite following you here . . . *is febrile*

So far everything's looking good here. Sorry for no criticism as everyone else pretty much beat me to it. XD

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Tahnkoo, com agen! ^_^ Thanks for reviewing!

Sparkling Dragon said:

"Can you hold this in place for me?" she asked, gesturing to the spotlight. Shaking his head in exasperation, he took it and placed it beside the camera.

"Duct tape?" he prompted.

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Wow. They have duct tape? Just goes to show, it's stickyness DOES permeate the multiverse!

Sparkling Dragon said:

This information, too, was fed into the computer, which used the information to add to its fully rendered 3-D model of the room.

The technology involved was truly wonderful, he reflected as he checked the laptop's display.

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I couldn't agree with Samuel more, even though he is a bloody-handed murderous Galactic Grunt! By the way, does he have a Glameow or a Zubat?

Police Commando said:

"Oof!"

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Can you keep a count of how many times people say Oof?


No errors in this half...
Kthxbai,
Pich_u

EDIT: Whoops... The lag got the better of me! I posted before you did! ^_^

Chapter 6 - Dragons in the Closet








Samuel was not his real name. It was just the name he chose to be called by. Nobody who knew his real name was still alive. He had seen to that personally.

Samuel had always preferred to work alone. For the first fifteen years of his life, he had been home-schooled by his father. He had refused point-blank to leave the house. As a result, the other kids his age never even knew he existed. And that was the way he liked it.

Today, however, he was being forced to work with a partner. Li was pleasant enough, but she was an outsider nonetheless. Glancing across the gloomy cavern, he watched her carefully photographing ancient carvings. Her long brown hair was tied back so as to stay out of her eyes, and she had, like him, discarded the silver uniform in favour of a more practical outfit. Fiddling with the tripod, she attempted to align the powerful spotlight with the camera lens. Glancing over her shoulder, she saw him looking and beckoned him over. Reluctantly, he picked his way through the rubble to her side.

"Can you hold this in place for me?" she asked, gesturing to the spotlight. Shaking his head in exasperation, he took it and placed it beside the camera.

"Duct tape?" he prompted.

"Oh! Good idea!" she said, rifling through her pack. Pulling out a roll of tape, she tore off several strips and affixed them to the ensemble on the tripod. When Samuel took his hands away, it stayed where it was.

"Good. Keep taking those photos," he said, heading back to the other side of the cave, where his own camera was mounted. Carefully, he lifted it a few inches to the left and pressed the 'calibrate' button. Whirring softly, the camera adjusted to its new position and sent the information wirelessly to the laptop on the floor behind him. Pressing the 'capture' button, Samuel slowly panned the camera from left to right for a couple of seconds. This information, too, was fed into the computer, which used the information to add to its fully rendered 3-D model of the room.

The technology involved was truly wonderful, he reflected as he checked the laptop's display. A partially-complete model of the room filled the screen, with little bits filling themselves in constantly as Li's camera continued to feed information in.

Taking the camera and spotlight off the tripod, he held them up, calibrating the camera again and panning it from left to right. The cave had been artificially expanded, he had concluded. It hadn't been dug out by hand, but manually smoothed out and carved into a rough square shape. A strip of carvings ran around all four walls, starting at about chest height and stretching up high enough that Samuel could just touch the top of them. As a result, documenting them was easier for him than it was for Li, who was more than a head shorter.

Again checking the laptop, Samuel was pleased to see that they were more than half done. The boss would be pleased with the results, and he might even be permitted to take leave. He'd go somewhere far away for a couple of weeks. Hoenn, perhaps. Somewhere where nobody knew him, and he knew nobody. He could wander the roads in peace and solitude. Both of which are becoming increasingly difficult to find, he reflected bitterly, glancing across at Li, who was still fiddling with her camera.

As he went to move his camera again, Samuel noticed something, one of the carvings he had already documented. It depicted a large, four-legged dragon-like Pokémon with its head thrown back. A large ball was floating in front of its head. It was unremarkable in that the same Pokémon was featured in many other carvings around the wall, but something about this particular carving struck a chord within him. It seemed somewhat . . . familiar, even though he'd never seen the image before.

Dismissing it as a passing fancy, Samuel returned to taking photographs.




An hour and a half later, they were finally finished. Checking the laptop screen one final time, Samuel made sure that the entire band of carvings was recorded. They were.

"Excellent," he said aloud. "Let's move. I don't want to be stuck here any longer than I have to be."

"It's quite nice here," Li said absently. "It's . . . peaceful." Samuel snorted.

"Sure. Now, let's go." He turned to leave, but froze when he heard a voice echoing through the cavern.

"This is the Eterna Police Force! We know you're in there! Come out right now or we will have no other option than to use force!" it said. It was a distinctly male voice; one that obviously belonged to someone big. Really big. Li swore.

"It's the police!" she hissed. "What are we supposed to do now?"

"We wait."

"This is your last warning!"

"We choose to disregard your warning," Samuel said calmly. He wasn't shouting, but his voice carried easily. "We will remain in here until we finish our business."

"You have no business here." The voice was getting closer, accompanied by multiple sets of footsteps. "This is a National Heritage Site, and it's off-limits. You've caused great structural damage with your . . . excavations." The footsteps paused, right outside the chamber currently occupied by Samuel and Li.

"I get the feeling these guys aren't your everyday police officers," Li muttered. "Can you see how many of them there are?" Peering through the crumbling hole in the wall, Samuel tried to discern details. There appeared to be three officers, although it was too dark to really tell.

"We know who you're working for. Come with us, and we won't be forced to . . . damage you." It was a loaded statement. Samuel chuckled.

"This is tiresome. If you think you can get me, come have a go!"

"If you insist." Without another word, their opponents charged. It was immediately evident that these were not normal policemen. For one thing, all three of them were well over six feet tall, and heavily muscled. Samuel smiled, imagining one of them explaining the Road Code to five-year-olds. For another, they were dressed in black commando uniforms. He didn't have time to take in much else, as the policemen were on top of him before he could get a better look.

Two of them went for him, and the third barrelled at Li. Samuel ducked under a punch and elbowed the offender in the back as he passed, sending him off balance. He turned back to deal with the other assailant, ducking again and flipping the second man over his back with barely a thought. He crashed into the wall and lay on the floor, moaning. The first man had regained his balance by this point, however, and he circled Samuel warily, watching him through narrowed eyes.

Deciding to take the initiative this time, Samuel dropped to the floor – for a third time – sweeping his leg around in a wide arc, cutting his opponent's legs from under him. He fell like a log, but managed to grab Samuel's leg as he went, pulling them both to the ground in a tangle of limbs.

Samuel straddled the other man and delivered a series of heavy punches to his face. The man grunted in pain, but his hands shot up and grabbed Samuel by the neck, attempting to choke him. Evidently they'd given up on the whole 'come with us' thing, he concluded as the policeman rolled over to pin him beneath his massive frame. His opponent's hands were huge and strong, crushing his windpipe easily.

Definitely not normal policemen.

"You really," he choked out, "don't . . . know . . . what you're . . . getting into!" With the last word, he drove his knee up into the man's stomach.

"Oof!" he grunted, loosening his grip slightly. That was all Samuel needed. Grabbing the man by the shoulders, he tossed him off him, getting to his feet unsteadily. Rubbing his neck, he glared at the policeman.

"Lights out," he said, before kicking the stunned man in the face and knocking him out cold. Breathing a little more easily, Samuel glanced across at Li. She was backed up into the corner while the third policeman swung punches at her with his meaty fists. She was hard-pressed to keep dodging.

Sighing in exasperation, Samuel removed a small metal object from his belt and flung it across the room. The sharp iron star buried itself in the back of Li's assailant's neck, and he fell to the ground with a cry. He didn't get up. Breathing heavily, Li examined the weapon.

"A shuriken?" she asked. "What are you, a freaking ninja?" Samuel's lip curved in half-amusement.

"I have many skills," he said, striding across and removing the shuriken from the man's neck. "You, on the other hand, are completely useless in a fight. Pack up the laptop, and let's go." She glared at him, but said nothing and did as she was told. Samuel nodded in satisfaction. "Cyrus will be pleased."






"I need some air," Tyson said, standing up and heading for a door at the end of the room which he presumed led outside.

"OK," Haley said, "but don't be long. I need someone to talk to!" Fair enough, Tyson reasoned as he turned the doorknob. Jerry's still talking to the captain, and Matthew hardly makes for good conversation. He felt a little guilty leaving his sister with that weirdo, but it was only for a few minutes, after all.

Matthew was a really strange guy, Tyson reflected. He barely said a word, and always seemed to be somewhat . . . guarded, as if he didn't want anything to do with the rest of the world. He didn't display any emotion – unless you counted sulkiness – even when faced with a completely alien situation. There was something about him that wasn't quite right, and Tyson decided he was going to get down to working out what it was later.

The door did, in fact, lead out on to the deck, a small, narrow area coated in the same flaking white paint as the rest of the ship. Closing the door behind him, Tyson made his way around to the back – or the stern, he reminded himself – of the ship, where he stood and watched their wake frothing behind them.

He was leaving it all behind, but it didn't matter. He'd come back, he knew that. He'd come back, go to university, and write that novel. He could have a normal life. But for now, he was living a dream. True, he had never wanted this with the same passion that Haley had, but nevertheless, it was definitely something he'd always wanted to do.

"And that, Tyson, is why you're different." He whirled around. Standing right behind him was a familiar green-clad figure, cloak flapping slightly in the breeze.

"How did you get here?" he demanded. She simply laughed.

"I'm everywhere, Tyson. I'm here now, but in five minutes I might be back in Sunyshore. I might be waiting for you in Pastoria. I might be back at home . . ." She trailed off slightly wistfully.

"What? How do you mean?"

"Never mind. It's best you don't know that." He could tell he wasn't getting anything on that particular subject, so he changed tack.

"What do you want? Why are you following us?"

"I am attempting to prevent the Pokémon Journey Program. But that's not why I called you out here."

"Wait! What do you mean, you called me out here? I just came out for some air!"

"But do you recall why you needed air?" she asked, sounding faintly amused. Thinking back, he couldn't. All he could remember was suddenly announcing that he needed air. "You see?" she prompted.

"You're messing with my head, you crazy psycho!" he yelled. This wasn't right. She was manipulating him somehow.

"How rude," she murmured. "I have a name, you know. But on second thoughts, I can't tell you that. So please, call me Elina."

"Fine," said Tyson, fighting to calm his breathing. "Whatever. So, Elina, give me one good reason why I shouldn't go back inside right now and get Jerry."

"For one thing, I most certainly wouldn't be here when you get back," she said. "For another, I just want to talk to you." Tyson's eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"Why?"

"You're not like the others, Tyson. Remember how I said everyone would end up being a professional Pokémon Trainer, with no useful trade skills? Because almost everyone would want to be a high and mighty Pokémon Master?"

"I recall something of the sort . . ." Tyson said through gritted teeth.

"But you, Tyson. I know you'll come back. Even if thousands of other Pokémon Trainers never come back, I know you will. Because you have a dream. So essentially, Tyson, what I'm trying to say is . . . I have no quarrel with you."

"That's absurd," he said. "Your logic is hardly consistent. Just yesterday, you were completely against all of us. You even turned up in a dream last night, trying to convince me not to go! How did you do that, anyway? Was it just a coincidence?"

"Again, it is best you do not know. As for why I have changed my mind, well . . . I am just as human as you are, Tyson. I am subject to human faults, and human whims. I feel no need to prevent you from undertaking your Pokémon Journey. However," she said, drawing herself up a little, "I have a job to do. I have been charged with preventing the Pokémon Journey Program, and that is what I will do. Just remember, it's . . . nothing personal." Tyson blinked, and she was gone.

"Wha-?" He glanced around in all directions, but there was no sign of 'Elina', as she had wanted to be called. No evidence remained that their conversation had ever taken place. Jerry needs to know about this, he thought as he dashed back to the door he had exited from. This is weird, even from the little I know of this strange person.

But then again, he reasoned, why do I need to tell them? I have a strange feeling that this is . . . not something that needs to be shared. Bizarre. No, he decided, he was not going to tell Jerry and the others about this. Not even Haley.

Jerry was back from his chat, he saw as he opened the door. The blonde looked up; he was grinning again. Weird. He's all serious one minute, and carefree the next. What is with him?

"Yo, Tyson!" Jerry said happily. "You look like you've seen a ghost!" For a split second, Tyson considered saying 'I think I have', but dismissed the thought immediately. Jerry didn't really need to know, did he?

"It's just . . . a little cold out there," he said finally, reclaiming his seat. "No problem."

No problem at all.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*​

​

And now for the rest of it!

Sparkling Dragon said:

"OK," Haley said, "but don't be long. I need someone to talk to!" Fair enough, Tyson reasoned as he turned the doorknob. Jerry's still talking to the captain, and Matthew hardly makes for good conversation. He felt a little guilty leaving his sister with that weirdo, but it was only for a few minutes, after all.

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I feel that having Tyson's thought on the same line as Haley's speech isn't so good...

"You're messing with my head, you crazy psycho!" he yelled. This wasn't right. She was manipulating him somehow.

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Best line in this chapter. What made you choose the title?

Another brilliant chapter. Definitely my favourite chapter so far. :D I'm especially intirgued by Samuel.

Samuel would have to be my favourite character to write. He's such a badass. And I felt the fic needed a little more action ^_^ KA-ZAMM!

So, glad you're enjoying it!

Another excellent chapter SD. I've only got a few nitpicks at a glance.

Matthew was a really strange guy, he reflected. He barely said a word, and always

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Am I missing something or is this a bit repetitive. You could have put

'Tyson reflected. He barely said a word,'.

Or, if you want to say Matthew was the one doing the reflecting (even though that wouldn't make sense right there)

'Matthew was a really strange guy. He reflected, he barely said a word,

Personally, I'd go for the first one.

Standing right behind him was a familiar green-clad figure, cloaking flipping slightly in the breeze.

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'cloaking flipping slightly in the breeze'?
Just so you know, the definition of flipping and Cloaking:
Flip Verb
[flipping, flipped]
1. to throw (something light or small) carelessly
2. to turn (something) over: flip the fish on its back
3. to turn (a device or machine) on or off by quickly pressing a switch
4. to throw (an object such as a coin) so that it turns in the air
5. flip through to look at (a book or magazine) idly

and cloaking

cloak (kl k)n.1. A loose outer garment, such as a cape.
2. Something that covers or conceals: a cloak of secrecy.

tr.v. cloaked, cloak·ing, cloaks To cover or conceal with or as if with a cloak. See Synonyms at clothe, disguise, hide1.

Cloaking is a transitive verb (Action) so there probably should be a noun at the end. (I think, but I'm not sure.). Another thing, flipping is not the correct word used here. I think flapping should be a better substitute here.

The sentence should/could read
'Standing right behind him was a familiar green-clad figure, cloak flapping slightly in the breeze.'

Definition of flap that you want to use is;
flap (flp)n.1. A flat, usually thin piece attached at only one side.
2. A projecting or hanging piece usually intended to double over and protect or cover: the flap of an envelope.
3. a. The act of waving or fluttering: the flap of the flag in the wind.
b. The sound produced by this motion.

4. A blow given with something flat; a slap.
5. A variable control surface on the trailing edge of an aircraft wing, used primarily to increase lift or drag.
6. Either of the folded ends of a book jacket that fit inside the front and back covers.
7. Medicine Tissue that has been partially detached and used in surgical grafting to fill an adjacent defect or cover the cut end of a bone after amputation.
8. Linguistics A sound articulated by a single, quick touch of the tongue against the teeth or alveolar ridge, as (t) in water. Also called tap1.
9. Informal A commotion or disturbance: a flap in Congress over the defense budget.

But then again, he reasoned, why do I need to tell them? I have a strange feeling that this is . . . not something that needs to be shared. Bizarre. No, he decided, he was not going to tell Jerry and the others about this. Not even Haley.

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Is this hypnosis? If so, you portrayed it subtly and perfectly. To me, it seems a bit OOC that Tyson would act this way unless being manipulated.

Well, that ends my review. Good Luck!

Mhm, mhm. Samuel is a pretty interesting character, as is Li. Galactic agents, probably. The fight was done pretty well, but admittedly the whole shuriken thing sort of came out of nowhere. Matthew is starting to remind me of someone. And now, for a few minor nitpickeries:

"Cyrus will be pleased."

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I don't remember anyone in Team Galactic ever referencing Magneton Man Cyrus by name, or at least any of the Grunts. They always used 'Boss' (as a prefix or a name), 'Leader,' or some variation thereof. So unless these guys are very high-ranking in the Team, they should probably be doing that too.

...Other than the whole 'cloaking flapping' deal, I think you're doing really well with this! ^^ Elina is definitely starting to make me suspicious of her 'We're both human with human dreams and desires' comment. And as for how she is everywhere at once, I'm starting to think these green-cloaked people are all different women in the same outfit. It would explain why she wouldn't want Tyson using her real name, because the other Green-Cloaked Anti-Pokéleague People would all have different names than she did.

Right? O -O

K. Mixan, that first part. I thought it was fairly easy to see what was going on there, but evidently it's not as easy as I thought, so I've changed it. As for 'cloaking flipping' . . . well, that was a total screw-up, so I've changed that too. ^_^ I know this is no real excuse, but the second half of the chapter (from where Tyson went outside) was written in a fevered delirium, and I haven't eaten since Thursday. But as I said, that's no excuse for shoddy writing.

And hypnosis? O_O How dare you suggest such a completely outrageous plot device that will absolutely not be used in any of my fics ever!!!?!!1!>!11?1i9!? >:[

And Giratina of Never-Turn-Back . . . *goes to change ur name in PM list* Samuel's high-ranking, is he? We'll see, we'll see . . . Kekekeke. That was intended to be the 'omgwtfreveal' for those who hadn't been paying close enough attention to realise that we were dealing with Magneton Man Cyrus.

And I'm afraid I'll have to shoot down your theory about Elina and co. She's a wind spirit with a bad attitude. Just kidding, there aren't any elemental spirits (yet), but it's still not that. Good idea, though. Apart from the fact that Jerry has encountered multiple cultists at the same time. Although that could just be genjutsu.

Anyway, thank you very much for reading and reviewing, and I'm glad I've managed to keep you guys interested for this long!

And Pich_u . . . Skype.