[Pokémon] Misplaced

A working title... ^.^'

Anyway, I found this Fan Fiction that I had started a while ago and figured that I may as well begin working on it again. Essentially, it's another take one what happened in the world of Pokemon before the current relationship between Pokemon and humans was established (though that's not the main focus of the plot itself). Hopefully it'll make more sense as it goes on. Enjoy! :)

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Chapter 1:

"Enough with the formalities, Akiyo-kun," an eerily disembodied voice growled from the shadows. "Shall we move on with the ceremony, or would you rather continue wasting our time?"

The chuckles that emerged from beneath the trees were as dry and harsh as stone against stone. Akiyo shuddered, his face incapable of revealing his fear. He had known all along that his masters were powerful, of course, but he hadn't expected to be so terrified by their presence. Though nobody spoke, the gleam of eyes and fangs in the moonlight allowed for the presence of surrounding creatures to be known.

Yes, Shuichi-sama Akiyo spoke telepathically, bowing low in the direction of the voice. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-

"Just get on with it!" another voice demanded. "There won't be enough time to complete the ceremony and get to work before dawn if we keep moving at the speed of a Magikarp."

"Indeed," Shuichi continued calmly. "It would appear as if the time for an answer has arrived, so I'll keep this simple enough for even you to understand. Do you have the final fragment or not?"

Oh! Oh yes I do, Shuichi-sama, of that you can be certain. It wasn't easy to track down, of course. Whoever hid it did a very good job-

"So, where is it?"

Akiyo tipped his head to the side, his jewel eyes sparkling blankly.

"The fragment, imbecile! Where is the fragment?" Shuichi bellowed, causing the shadowy figures around him to return all of their attention to the small Pokemon standing before them.

Ah... Yes. The funny thing about that is... Ayiko shivered when a chorus of menacing growls met his ears. You see, I was on my way here when I met a group of Pokemon sent by the Council.

"What?!" a voice tore through the night.

"How did they find out about this?" shouted another.

"This clod must have led them right to us!"

"Be quiet, all of you!" Shuichi ordered. The frantic exclamations immediately faded, though the Pokemon continued to mutter their suspicions to one another.

"Now... Are you certain that you weren't followed here?" Shuichi demanded. "You realize the potential complications in our plan that would inevitably occur if we are placed under the scrutiny of the Council."

Of course, Shuichi-sama! I was very careful, yes I was, Akiyo said excitedly, all fear fading away. They were awful suspicious of a Sableye wandering out in the open like me, but I told them that I was looking for a new place to find gems. I was awfully convincing, though they still didn't believe me, so I had to hide the stone before they could see it.

"Is it nearby then, Ayiko-kun?" another asked eagerly.

I should say so, Akiyo laughed. I wasn't going to leave it behind because I knew how important it was, so I ate it.

The clearing fell completely silent. Akiyo stood happily in the center of the clearing, oblivious to the building tension.

"You... ate it?" Shuichi asked, his voice incredulous.

Yes, Shuichi-sama. My kind usually eat gems, you know, so I really had to choke down the morsel. But I did it without those suckers even noticing, Akiyo boasted. It shouldn't be too long before it rises to the surface of my skin, so in about a day you can simply pick it off and use it. Of course, it might take a little longer because it's just a rock-

A giant claw shot out of the trees and slashed the small Pokemon's stomach, tossing the red gem that had rested in the center of his torso to the dew-covered grass. Akiyo remained standing only for a moment, the faint sparkle in his eyes fading as he crumpled to the ground. Not a word was spoken as a Haunter drifted toward the corpse and gingerly reached into the gash that had been sliced across his victim's stomach, pulling out a small sliver of tan stone no longer nor thicker than a pinkie finger. A Gengar then broke from the shadows and walked up to the gaseous Pokemon, wearing his typical smile.

"Shall we move on with the ceremony, Shuichi-sama?" the Haunter asked, handing the shard of stone to the Gengar.

"It seems as though you were a bit harsh on the little creature. Whatever happened to love and compassion?" Shuichi asked, accepting the shard and looking at Akiyo's corpse with obvious amusement as it began to crumble into sparkling dust.

"I apologize if I should have shown mercy, Shuichi-sama," the Haunter said, bowing slightly. "But I felt that such an unnecessary delay could endanger our plans. That is worth no single life, let alone that of a Sableye."

"But of course. Then I suppose now is the time to proceed," Shuichi said, grin expanding as he turned to face the shadows and raised his arms. "Bring forward the three remaining pieces of the Keystone!"

The terrors of the night immediately drifted out from under the trees, their dark presence seeming to suck away what little light radiated from the waning moon. Three stepped forward, a large hunk of tan stone in the hands of each. Shuichi took one of them and looked it over, placing the small piece that had just been retrieved into a depression on the otherwise smooth surface.

"This will merely be a test of our future power," Shuichi announced, eyes narrowing as he examined the rock more closely. "When we finally return the Keystone to its rightful place, we will then be able to-"

"Shuichi-sama!"

Everybody turned toward the voice, wondering who dared to interrupt. Shuichi's eyes began to glow with anger as he caught sight of the offending Haunter, his strike against the Pokemon only halted when he saw the creature that lay on the grass below it.

"A… A human?" Shuichi gasped.

The eyes of all the creatures gathered there gleamed in delight as they examined the helpless girl in their presence, her tantalizingly vivid energy nearly causing an instant feeding frenzy. The Haunter hovered defensively over its prey. Shuichi, having recovered his composure, sauntered over to the cause of the commotion. The Haunter retreated slightly as Shuichi stood over the young girl, whose bright blue eyes stared up at him with sheer terror as she lay nearly motionless, her body racked by the occasional tremor. Some of her ruddy orange hair was pasted to the side of her neck, a sign of the unfortunate lick that had left her in her current state.

"I must say that this is a rather convenient occurrence," Shuichi said, ignoring the growl of his own stomach. "I believe that she will make a fitting sacrifice, don't you agree?"

Nobody said anything, though the Gengar sensed their disappointment at being denied a meal.

"I fear that I am obliged to voice my objection," announced an unseen presence, its voice warm and gentle.

Shuichi felt himself shiver slightly with recognition as he turned around to face the Gardevoir that glided soundlessly into the clearing. The faint moonlight seemed to radiate off of her skin, drenching the nighttime creatures with an unwelcome light. Shuichi forced himself to smile, though his eyes revealed his malicious intent.

"Well, if it isn't Akira-chan," Shuichi called, stepping toward the unwelcome guest. "What brings you to our humble clan's gathering this fine night?"

"Business on behalf of the Council," Akira stated sharply. "I'm afraid your position there is not currently in the best of circumstances, Shuichi-san. It seems as though the members have grown tired of your clan's pattern of overstepping its allotted number of humans devoured. I must say that this little display does not help your cause, seeing as you have already gone over your allotment for this month."

"Ah, but the moon is almost gone, Akira-chan," Shuichi said dismissively. "What difference does one human make? Least of all to you."

"This isn't about my opinion of the policy," Akira continued, unfazed. "This is a matter of the Council. I fear that if you continue to show contempt for our regulations, you and your clan will end up exiled."

Shuichi's confidence wavered as he was struck by the threat. Not being a part of the Council meant no longer enjoying the protection it offered. There would ordinarily be no fear of this for Ghosts, seeing as there was no practical reason for their killing, were it not for their nasty habit of making enemies. The risk of Council intervention had been enough to keep them away, but a lack of their support could create endless problems.

Except, Shuichi reminded himself with a smirk, we no longer require their services.

"I apologize for my rudeness, Akira-chan," Shuichi said with a wolfish smile. "But it seems as though you have forgotten your position. Have you overlooked the fact that my entire clan is present? And on top of that, you have no power here."

"If I'm not mistaken, Shuichi-san, it seems as though you are attempting to intimidate me," Akira said passively, gliding past the Gengar to stand beside the trembling girl. "Just allow me to return the girl to her home and I shall report your cooperation to the Council."

"That is not all you would report, I'm sure. We both know that you would never have come for something so small as an infraction upon a hunting limit."

"Then perhaps you should consider following our other laws as well," Akira said coldly. "Hand over the Keystone fragments, and I will give your clan a clean record."

"I'm afraid that such an action would be impossible, Akira-chan," Shuichi sighed with mock remorse. "You see, we have come too far now to simply hand over the key to our future. The rest of our clan would not be pleased if we didn't go through with it. Unfortunately, this means that neither you nor the human girl are leaving."

This drew an eery chorus of laughter from the surrounding creatures as the shadows slowly drew closer to the Gardevoir and girl.

"You will finally pay for your ignorance, Shuichi-san," Akira said, narrowing her eyes. "It's just a shame that you have to drag so many down with you."

Before anyone could respond, Akira raised her arm toward the Gengar, causing an unseen force to pull the keystone fragment from his grasp. Then, in a flash of blinding light, the Gardevoir, the girl and the last piece of the keystone vanished.

This review might be worded a bit screwy because I'm kind of sleepy. Sorry!

I quite liked this. I always like a look into the history of the Pokemon world, and this one is interesting because it starts off with the focus on Pokemon. On one hand, I do like how detailed their part of the world is, with laws, families, and a council. On the other, it does strike me as a bit too human to be Pokemon, and I had to remind myself a few times that I was reading about Pokemon and not humans. But then again, I do have a personal preference to Pokemon with a bit more animal to them.

This was still good for a first chapter. As I said, you created this detailed world for the Pokemon. I'd like to learn more about the world that the Pokemon have created, especially about that Council. It'll also be interesting to see how other Pokemon clans treat humans

Really, you have the beginnings of a good read here. To see how Pokemon are without constant human contact is always an interesting thing to look at.

Interesting--I like this world you've built but I want to know more about it besides what you've shown us here. The Gardevoir and Gengar bits evoked Pokemon MD Red for me--was this intentional?.

Overall, not a bad start and very interesting so far

Well, the prologue is interesting by itself, although it doesn't really reveal too much about what's going to happen next.

Personally, though, it seems like you used the terminology that's pretty common for this kind of stuff, and the setting, too - I assume that these ceremonies with the ghosts eating humans take place sometime in the distant past? What with the dark cults and the ominous Council and all that.

Yeah, in that case, I don't have much to say about the plot - it would have to wait until we know more about the people themselves.

The writing flows well, though, I can give you that.

Ooh, this was intriguing.

I liked the pacing of the revelations in this. When an element first appears, it is referred to only vaguely, but its nature is revealed after an appropriate amount of time. Lots of writers either reveal things too quickly or refer to things with pronouns only for too long, but I feel that you kept things hidden for a well-estimated amount of time.

I'm with Astinus in that your Pokemon's society seems very interesting, but unlike her the Pokemon acting kind of "human" didn't bother me. That may just be because I always picture psychic types and ghosts as being more human-like than the others, but at any rate I think what you have now is fine in that regard.

Overall the writing was fine, but this one passage didn't seem to work as well as it could to me:

"A… A human?" Shuichi gasped.

The eyes of all the creatures gathered there gleamed in delight as they examined the helpless girl in their presence, her tantalizingly vivid energy nearly causing an instant feeding frenzy. The Haunter hovered defensively over its prey.​

Click to expand...

I can't exactly tell how the Pokemon are reacting to the girl here. Shuichi obviously is put a little on edge, but I can't tell if the Haunter here is the same way or not. I can't picture something's eyes "gleaming in delight" as it hovers "defensively." If it's already incapacitated the girl, why is it being defensive? Or is it being defensive towards Shuichi? At any rate, it wasn't clear to me how to picture Haunter here.

On that note, there were a few spelling/grammar errors I caught:

This drew an eery chorus of laughter from the surrounding creatures as the shadows slowly drew closer to the Gardevoir and girl.​

Click to expand...

That should be eerie.

The "would" here means that Shuichi's speaking in the subjunctive. "Are" should be "were to be."


All in all, this is a nice beginning, and I'm looking forward to reading what happens next.

Guuuuuurl, where have you been?

Seriously, though, I'd like to formally say welcome back to you. With a review. So, if I chase you away… whoops?

Right off the bat, I have to say I like your characters. While it was rather clear that the first few we've met are pretty evil (because, seriously, disembodied voices + masters + snappiness), I found Akiyo extremely entertaining. His solution of swallowing the stone seemed like a pretty clever maneuver (leveling him up from "moronic goldfish poop gang member" to "incompetent underling who thinks he knows what he's doing"), and the swift death blow to his stomach that his masters dealt introduced them extremely well, too.

Of course, in general, the character interactions were pretty well-done. I liked how Haunter apologized for his potential defiance, how Shuichi subsequently said it was A-OK to slash open Akiyo, how tense Shuichi's interactions with Akira were, and, of course, how authoritative Akira herself is.

Of course, I have to say something about what's going on in this chapter as well, right?

To put it simply, this was a very good first chapter. You have enough action to entice a reader to keep going. You set up the sense of foreboding with the ritual and with the discussion of what should be done with the paralyzed human girl. (Actually having Ghost-types eat humans instead of just their souls or energy or anything like that? Nice touch.) You drop just enough information about the Council to give us a pretty good idea of what they are, and in doing so, we get some hint as to what this world is like. (Pokémon in a governing body? Regulations on hunting humans? Even without knowing much about the Sinnoh myths, a reader can gather enough to understand that humans are at best on equal standing with Pokémon.)

In short, it was well-executed, and because of that, I'm inclined to want to read more. The thought that this is a history fic only fuels that. I'm a sucker for fics intended to address bits of the canon's world-building.

Pretty much like everyone else, I think you did very well with the setup with the first chapter. Nicely done on giving some info on the councils, regulations, and their thoughts on the humans but not revealing too much of it yet. The scene with Akiyo's death is one example of some serious stuff going on in the council. Like icomeanon6, I too thought psychic and ghost types are more advanced Pokemon creatures in terms of acting like humans, so I'm cool with them living like that.

You also did well with the characters' personalities in this first chapter with their actions, which Jax already pointed out some of the stuff they had done. I especially like Akira, so it'll be interesting how she'll deal with the girl from this point on.

I'm left wondering what kind of plot you have for this as the first chapter leaves a thousand possibilities where the next part of the story will go, so I'm looking forward to that.

Hei

I'm probably going to end up reiterating what others have already said, but hey, if it gets you more reviews why not? First off, allow me to commend you on a superb beginning to what I'm hoping will be an excellent story. You did quite well in defining the various personalities for the Pokémon in your fic, particularly with the Sableye scene which I enjoyed to the fullest. I do love my (implied) gore thank you very much, and the scene certainly delivered, even if not explicit in the telling. What got me was the apparent nonchalance all the ghosts treated that particular event with. It really shows how this kind of vicious behaviour is normal within the ghost clan, and really serves as some sort of a character defining moment.

Besides that, I'm enjoying the mythical plot here so far. The inclusion of the council and the rules and system by which the Pokémon live is quite the refresher, seeing as I haven't seen things like this in a while, you know with actual humans instead of just being another PMD knockoff (which, don't get me wrong, have the potential to be done well.) Aside from that, your writing flowed smoothly and there's nothing that I particularly want to point out in that aspect.

Anyway, like Bay I'm left with a vague sense of longing for the next chapter because of how open-ended this one was. And that's about that. :3