JX Valentine
Your aquatic overlord
- 3,277
- Posts
- 19
- Years
- Age 36
- Harassing Bill
- Seen Aug 19, 2020
A few nitpick notes that distracted me:
1. There were a number of instances that were actually run-ons – sentences that are made up of three or more independent clauses (parts that could stand alone as their own sentences) strung together into one long string. Here's a tip. Whenever you insert a colon ( : ) or comma, replace it with a period temporarily. If you end up with two complete sentences (however short they may be), end the sentence after the second thought and do not go on to a third. Yes, you should do this even if you're punctuating with a colon.
2. Not all conjunctions (and, but, or, for, nor, yet, so) need a comma before them. You only put a comma before a conjunction if you're creating a compound sentence or ending a list of three or more items. Anything else? Drop the comma.
3. It's is a contraction for "it is." Its is a possessive pronoun (meaning something belongs to whatever "it" is referring to). Here's a tip: no pronoun has an apostrophe in it. If you see an apostrophe in any pronoun, it's a contraction for something else. (I say this because this all made Joey's line unintentionally amusing for the grammar nerds in the back row.)
4. You have a habit of stopping the narration to describe a person. I could swallow it when Ian caught a good glimpse of his attacker in that flash (because that led to him becoming a witness that needed to be killed), but it's harder to swallow with Joey. Remember that when describing anyone, you should attempt to merge details with action. Don't put the story on pause just so you can tell us how tall a character is and exactly what colors his clothing was. In Joey's introduction, I'd say you could try doing something like having him push the brim of his blue cap up so his brown eyes could get a better look at Chris. At the same time, you could also say that strands of his brown hair fell free from the cap to fall in front of his face. Notice how descriptions like these don't make the reader feel like time has frozen? That is, it makes them feel like they're still watching the characters do something, as opposed to feeling like all they're seeing is a still image. By integrating description like this, you can maintain the momentum of the story, if that makes sense at all.
Why is it bad to break the momentum of a story? Think of it like this. You're driving down a road that's not particularly well-maintained. Every time you stop the story to throw in a description without integrating it, it feels like a pothole. When you hit that patch of slow narration (which it is because the characters stop all action in order for the narrator to describe something), you either end up slowing down or feeling a bit jarred due to how abrupt it came. Integrating description with action is like patching a road. You know it has to be done, so you're trying to make it as smooth as possible by having it be difficult for a reader to tell what part is the activity in the fic and what part is purely there for descriptive purposes whenever they're going over it (just like a driver can't tell what parts are cement that's been there for ages and what parts are patched-over potholes while they're driving).
Does that make sense at all?
5. Speaking about not breaking the momentum, it's cool that Bosca's name comes from "boscage," but don't put a parenthetical aside that tells the reader this. To put it bluntly, it's a little on the insulting-a-reader's-intelligence side, and it creates the same effect as the pothole analogy I mentioned just a moment ago due to how abrupt the explanation is.
The above also extends to parenthetical statements in general. For example, your description of her bite wound (right when she was climbing onto Chris's shoulder after her match against Rats) had the unfortunate effect of making the sentence feel like it was going on forever. While that data is vital, it might be better if you put it in a separate sentence – maybe even preceded it with a note that Chris caught sight of it but knew that it would heal in a couple of days. (Otherwise, it just feels like the narrator is telling us this to reassure us, rather than because one of the characters needed to be reassured.)
6. You know, I never understood why absolutely everyone has to give trained Pokémon nicknames. Some just don't, especially in canon. I know that Joey prizes his Rattata more than pretty much everything else in the world, but he just calls his Rattata… his Rattata. It doesn't have a name. I only say this because for some reason, writers like to think that Pokémon need nicknames in order to be differentiated from any other Pokémon, but canon shows us that it's not exactly common to have Pokémon with nicknames, regardless of how close you are to them. Beyond that, it's perfectly possible to have a Rattata character whose name is Rattata and who has a detailed personality that separates them from every other Rattata in existence. Really, I guess you could say that I think that nicknames are, in themselves, minor clichés.
Also, it's a lot like having an Ash who decides that his Pikachu needs to be named Bob.
7. "Ninja" does not need to be capitalized. However, instances of "mish" that are at the beginning of a sentence (even if that sentence is preceded by an ellipsis) does.
On the upside, however, these are the things I thoroughly approve of:
1. Joey as a main character. I'm a sucker for a lot of things, and fanwork that acknowledges memes is one of them. From what I can see so far, Joey has the potential for being a pretty interesting sidekick, especially given that conversation after the battle. He's simply an adorable little fanboy, so I can't wait to see what he makes of Chris in gym battles. I feel like we're going to be hearing that Bosca is the top percentage of Pokémon quite a lot from here on out. Also, the entire rant about Rattata was priceless.
2. The starter choice. While I'm still a bit skeptical about why this seems to be a game-based fic that discarded the traditional starters, I can't argue with the triangle you came up with. It's actually pretty clever on an "I see what you did there" level, what with the fact that it's not only Grass/Fire/Water but also Fighting (eventually, anyway)/Dark/Psychic. Also, the Shroomish line in general needs more love, so of course I can't turn that one down.
3. Bosca in general is adorable, and she's already getting a hint of a personality (what with her response to Chris's question about how she fared with the sunlight in chapter two and all). Same thing with Rats, actually, considering that little moment of pride after Joey told Chris off for insulting Rattata. I never understood why writers seemed to have difficulties coming up with personalities for the Pokémon that accompany their trainers (without making them seem human, at least), so I've got high hopes for this one.
4. I mean, seriously on that note about Bosca. It's interesting to see that she's nervous about battling initially. From what I can tell, given her reaction to Chris when they're introduced to each other and given her reaction here, that she's a pretty timid Pokémon. This will certainly make her interactions with both Rats and Chris's future Pokémon rather interesting, and it opens her up to a potential for some pretty awesome character development. I'm looking forward to watching her grow out of the shy mushroom she is now.
5. The battle was well-written. So many authors tend to have a character's first match last only a couple of rounds, and so many of those forget that details are vital in Pokémon battles. You acknowledge that we need to be able to visualize what's going on in order to feel like we're right there watching it happen, and you use some of these details to build up your characters rather nicely. For example, the gray blood leading to Chris's uncertainty? It's interesting to see that he doesn't quite know what he's doing. He might have worked in a lab, but he's not a Gary Stu who knows everything ever about Pokémon right as he's starting out. Rather, he's got a bit to learn about how the whole training business works… and he has even more to learn about his own Pokémon partner.
It was also nice to see him worried about how Bosca must have felt being attacked. Chris might not be the brightest or most tactful, but it's obvious that he's still compassionate on a level.
In short, this looks like it could be going somewhere. On the one hand, I'm a bit hesitant because it looks like a journey fic, and those have the unfortunate tendency of following the same kinds of plots depending on the game they're modeled after. For example, kid wakes up, gets starter, goes on journey for badges alongside one or two traveling companions, defeats the regional evil organization, and so on. It runs at a risk of being predictable, basically.
On the other, I have to admit I like your characters. All of them have interesting personalities, and you do include some rather nice curveballs (like having a Shroomish starter, making that Shroomish timid, giving someone Joey as a traveling companion). I sort of want to continue reading just to see how these characters develop because I will say that's where your talent seems to lie most right now.
Also, it's clear that you make battles enjoyable to read, and that's one of the keystones of a journey fic. If you keep up that element of uncertainty (where it's not completely a sure thing that Chris knows exactly what he's doing or that Chris is going to win), you might just have enough to keep this interesting right there.
I will say, though, that there's things that need to be polished. Mostly nitpicks, admittedly (especially with the bit about nicknames). What might help is simply reading your work aloud. That forces you to slow down during the proofreading stages, and it helps you by letting you hear what you've written. Anything that sounds long-winded or out-of-left-field most likely is, so going over it in a way that allows you to listen carefully to your own narration will help you pick out those exact awkward parts.
So… yes. Not sure what to think at the moment, but I'll keep an eye on this. Good luck with future chapters, and I hope any of this can be of some kind of use to you.
1. There were a number of instances that were actually run-ons – sentences that are made up of three or more independent clauses (parts that could stand alone as their own sentences) strung together into one long string. Here's a tip. Whenever you insert a colon ( : ) or comma, replace it with a period temporarily. If you end up with two complete sentences (however short they may be), end the sentence after the second thought and do not go on to a third. Yes, you should do this even if you're punctuating with a colon.
2. Not all conjunctions (and, but, or, for, nor, yet, so) need a comma before them. You only put a comma before a conjunction if you're creating a compound sentence or ending a list of three or more items. Anything else? Drop the comma.
3. It's is a contraction for "it is." Its is a possessive pronoun (meaning something belongs to whatever "it" is referring to). Here's a tip: no pronoun has an apostrophe in it. If you see an apostrophe in any pronoun, it's a contraction for something else. (I say this because this all made Joey's line unintentionally amusing for the grammar nerds in the back row.)
4. You have a habit of stopping the narration to describe a person. I could swallow it when Ian caught a good glimpse of his attacker in that flash (because that led to him becoming a witness that needed to be killed), but it's harder to swallow with Joey. Remember that when describing anyone, you should attempt to merge details with action. Don't put the story on pause just so you can tell us how tall a character is and exactly what colors his clothing was. In Joey's introduction, I'd say you could try doing something like having him push the brim of his blue cap up so his brown eyes could get a better look at Chris. At the same time, you could also say that strands of his brown hair fell free from the cap to fall in front of his face. Notice how descriptions like these don't make the reader feel like time has frozen? That is, it makes them feel like they're still watching the characters do something, as opposed to feeling like all they're seeing is a still image. By integrating description like this, you can maintain the momentum of the story, if that makes sense at all.
Why is it bad to break the momentum of a story? Think of it like this. You're driving down a road that's not particularly well-maintained. Every time you stop the story to throw in a description without integrating it, it feels like a pothole. When you hit that patch of slow narration (which it is because the characters stop all action in order for the narrator to describe something), you either end up slowing down or feeling a bit jarred due to how abrupt it came. Integrating description with action is like patching a road. You know it has to be done, so you're trying to make it as smooth as possible by having it be difficult for a reader to tell what part is the activity in the fic and what part is purely there for descriptive purposes whenever they're going over it (just like a driver can't tell what parts are cement that's been there for ages and what parts are patched-over potholes while they're driving).
Does that make sense at all?
5. Speaking about not breaking the momentum, it's cool that Bosca's name comes from "boscage," but don't put a parenthetical aside that tells the reader this. To put it bluntly, it's a little on the insulting-a-reader's-intelligence side, and it creates the same effect as the pothole analogy I mentioned just a moment ago due to how abrupt the explanation is.
The above also extends to parenthetical statements in general. For example, your description of her bite wound (right when she was climbing onto Chris's shoulder after her match against Rats) had the unfortunate effect of making the sentence feel like it was going on forever. While that data is vital, it might be better if you put it in a separate sentence – maybe even preceded it with a note that Chris caught sight of it but knew that it would heal in a couple of days. (Otherwise, it just feels like the narrator is telling us this to reassure us, rather than because one of the characters needed to be reassured.)
6. You know, I never understood why absolutely everyone has to give trained Pokémon nicknames. Some just don't, especially in canon. I know that Joey prizes his Rattata more than pretty much everything else in the world, but he just calls his Rattata… his Rattata. It doesn't have a name. I only say this because for some reason, writers like to think that Pokémon need nicknames in order to be differentiated from any other Pokémon, but canon shows us that it's not exactly common to have Pokémon with nicknames, regardless of how close you are to them. Beyond that, it's perfectly possible to have a Rattata character whose name is Rattata and who has a detailed personality that separates them from every other Rattata in existence. Really, I guess you could say that I think that nicknames are, in themselves, minor clichés.
Also, it's a lot like having an Ash who decides that his Pikachu needs to be named Bob.
7. "Ninja" does not need to be capitalized. However, instances of "mish" that are at the beginning of a sentence (even if that sentence is preceded by an ellipsis) does.
On the upside, however, these are the things I thoroughly approve of:
1. Joey as a main character. I'm a sucker for a lot of things, and fanwork that acknowledges memes is one of them. From what I can see so far, Joey has the potential for being a pretty interesting sidekick, especially given that conversation after the battle. He's simply an adorable little fanboy, so I can't wait to see what he makes of Chris in gym battles. I feel like we're going to be hearing that Bosca is the top percentage of Pokémon quite a lot from here on out. Also, the entire rant about Rattata was priceless.
2. The starter choice. While I'm still a bit skeptical about why this seems to be a game-based fic that discarded the traditional starters, I can't argue with the triangle you came up with. It's actually pretty clever on an "I see what you did there" level, what with the fact that it's not only Grass/Fire/Water but also Fighting (eventually, anyway)/Dark/Psychic. Also, the Shroomish line in general needs more love, so of course I can't turn that one down.
3. Bosca in general is adorable, and she's already getting a hint of a personality (what with her response to Chris's question about how she fared with the sunlight in chapter two and all). Same thing with Rats, actually, considering that little moment of pride after Joey told Chris off for insulting Rattata. I never understood why writers seemed to have difficulties coming up with personalities for the Pokémon that accompany their trainers (without making them seem human, at least), so I've got high hopes for this one.
4. I mean, seriously on that note about Bosca. It's interesting to see that she's nervous about battling initially. From what I can tell, given her reaction to Chris when they're introduced to each other and given her reaction here, that she's a pretty timid Pokémon. This will certainly make her interactions with both Rats and Chris's future Pokémon rather interesting, and it opens her up to a potential for some pretty awesome character development. I'm looking forward to watching her grow out of the shy mushroom she is now.
5. The battle was well-written. So many authors tend to have a character's first match last only a couple of rounds, and so many of those forget that details are vital in Pokémon battles. You acknowledge that we need to be able to visualize what's going on in order to feel like we're right there watching it happen, and you use some of these details to build up your characters rather nicely. For example, the gray blood leading to Chris's uncertainty? It's interesting to see that he doesn't quite know what he's doing. He might have worked in a lab, but he's not a Gary Stu who knows everything ever about Pokémon right as he's starting out. Rather, he's got a bit to learn about how the whole training business works… and he has even more to learn about his own Pokémon partner.
It was also nice to see him worried about how Bosca must have felt being attacked. Chris might not be the brightest or most tactful, but it's obvious that he's still compassionate on a level.
In short, this looks like it could be going somewhere. On the one hand, I'm a bit hesitant because it looks like a journey fic, and those have the unfortunate tendency of following the same kinds of plots depending on the game they're modeled after. For example, kid wakes up, gets starter, goes on journey for badges alongside one or two traveling companions, defeats the regional evil organization, and so on. It runs at a risk of being predictable, basically.
On the other, I have to admit I like your characters. All of them have interesting personalities, and you do include some rather nice curveballs (like having a Shroomish starter, making that Shroomish timid, giving someone Joey as a traveling companion). I sort of want to continue reading just to see how these characters develop because I will say that's where your talent seems to lie most right now.
Also, it's clear that you make battles enjoyable to read, and that's one of the keystones of a journey fic. If you keep up that element of uncertainty (where it's not completely a sure thing that Chris knows exactly what he's doing or that Chris is going to win), you might just have enough to keep this interesting right there.
I will say, though, that there's things that need to be polished. Mostly nitpicks, admittedly (especially with the bit about nicknames). What might help is simply reading your work aloud. That forces you to slow down during the proofreading stages, and it helps you by letting you hear what you've written. Anything that sounds long-winded or out-of-left-field most likely is, so going over it in a way that allows you to listen carefully to your own narration will help you pick out those exact awkward parts.
So… yes. Not sure what to think at the moment, but I'll keep an eye on this. Good luck with future chapters, and I hope any of this can be of some kind of use to you.
