{ ¤ ¤ F e b r u a r y D C C ¤ ¤ }

[Lust]

Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

LMAO! LMAO! That's freaking great.

Where do you get your jokes?

 

[Maverick]

LMAO! LMAO! That's freaking great.

Where do you get your jokes?

Just things I've saved on my comp over time and stuff that I've been told that I liked.

 

[Greed]

Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

OMFG.... I died reading that. That was uber sweet <33

Man, I loved the train kid joke too~ ::hearts::

 

[THIRTY-SIX]

Just things I've saved on my comp over time and stuff that I've been told that I liked.

hwh you were held at gunpoint like it or die!!!

 

[Greed]

Wherever you got your jokes from, Maverick, they're fooking awesome.

 

[pokejungle]

Church Bells
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that ****ed ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

I love that joke~~ ;D

It's really...funny? It is. I laugh. Hahahaha. Evil gay convicts raping people >O

EDIT: I quoted the wrong joke~~ I meant the one about the convict whispering to the wife ^^" But this was funny too ;P

 

[Maverick]

hwh you were held at gunpoint like it or die!!!

Uh..what?

I had loads of jokes saved on my last comp, my uncle sent me them. I'll have to try to get them again.

Grass Sandwich
At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.

While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".

She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

 

[THIRTY-SIX]

i thought you quoted the wrong one xD

it'll be kinda funny if the mods cange the posts because its "not suitable for all ages"
thats what it sounded like maverick...
​

 

[Crunkn' Munky]

Lol

Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

OMIGOD!!!
lol!!! XD
That's a very dirty one.



Two guys are riding to work on the bus. They both see two dogs goin' at it on a lawn. One guy, who's married, looks at the other and says, "Jeez, I'd give anything to do it to my wife like that." The other, a single guy, says, "Heck, that's easy. Just get her to drink three martinis."

The same two guys are riding the bus to work the next morning. The single one asks the other, "Well, did you get to do it to your wife like you wanted?" The married guy replies, "Yes, but it took SIX martinis."

The single guy exclaims, "SIX martinis! How come so many?" The husband replies, "Hell, it took three just to get her out on the lawn."

 

[Lust]

Uh..what?

I had loads of jokes saved on my last comp, my uncle sent me them. I'll have to try to get them again.

Grass Sandwich
At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.

While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".

She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

LMAO! That one is so freaking funny.

 

[THIRTY-SIX]

Two guys are riding to work on the bus. They both see two dogs goin' at it on a lawn. One guy, who's married, looks at the other and says, "Jeez, I'd give anything to do it to my wife like that." The other, a single guy, says, "Heck, that's easy. Just get her to drink three martinis."

The same two guys are riding the bus to work the next morning. The single one asks the other, "Well, did you get to do it to your wife like you wanted?" The married guy replies, "Yes, but it took SIX martinis."

The single guy exclaims, "SIX martinis! How come so many?" The husband replies, "Hell, it took three just to get her out on the lawn."

heh thats was good
who knew my topic would last morew than 5 minutes xP

 

[Maverick]

Making Love to a Woman
MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly.

You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag.

WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

GOING FISHING
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.

Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

 

[Lust]

Two guys are riding to work on the bus. They both see two dogs goin' at it on a lawn. One guy, who's married, looks at the other and says, "Jeez, I'd give anything to do it to my wife like that." The other, a single guy, says, "Heck, that's easy. Just get her to drink three martinis."

The same two guys are riding the bus to work the next morning. The single one asks the other, "Well, did you get to do it to your wife like you wanted?" The married guy replies, "Yes, but it took SIX martinis."

The single guy exclaims, "SIX martinis! How come so many?" The husband replies, "Hell, it took three just to get her out on the lawn."

Ha, ha! That would be pretty interesting to watch.

 

[Greed]

Those mods would so wring our necks for this. XDDD ::waves to mods:: HEY MODDIES, MODDIES MODDIES! ^__^ Come and get me~~~!! <333 =p

Darn, I thought I had more dirty jokes in my comp -_-;; I'm totally out. :/

EDIT: LOL @ Maverick:: I read that somewhere.. I just don't know where.. >>;

 

[Crunkn' Munky]

1st joke:
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The Man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."

kinda funny

 

[John Denver]

Yeah...you guys should probably stop the dirty jokes. They aren't that funny, and they're against the rules about the DCC

;)

 

[Greed]

1st joke:
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The Man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."

kinda funny

ROTFLMFAO @ Crunkn' Munky!!!

OMFG, That is like GOLD, man.

EDIT:: @ John Denver:: We're just having fun, man ._.; This is the best time I've ever had at a kiddie place lol

 

[John Denver]

EDIT:: @ John Denver:: We're just having fun, man ._.; This is the best time I've ever had at a kiddie place lol

*breathes fire*

BLARRGH!! This is the Daily Chit Chat! This is no place for fun!

But really now, first post in the thread says it's against the rules.

 

[Lucid]

ROTFLMFAO @ Crunkn' Munky!!!

OMFG, That is like GOLD, man.

EDIT:: @ John Denver:: We're just having fun, man ._.; This is the best time I've ever had at a kiddie place lol

Yeah and it's a kiddy place for a reason, you guys need to knock it off this site is PG-13 because we have members under 13 running around. If you want to tell dirty jokes go somewhere else.

 

[Maverick]

Meh, if I get booted out for telling jokes then, fine. Not really worth staying just to be boring.