'among the secrets'

REALLY like it. I love how she blushes when Jupiter tells them to have fun on their date.... ♥ Well, let's hope this gets even creepier. <3
 
here is the next one


Chap9

Anita was a shy girl who was originally part of our group. She helped design much of the escape. But when it came time for the actual escape, she backed out, saying she didn't want to risk it. Anita liked to find the probability of any risk she takes. I guess when she calculated the chance of succeeding; there was only a slim chance of the plan working.

Before the escape, she told me, "Andrea, I don't think I should go…"

"Why not?" I asked her, "We've spend hours planning this. If you don't go, then it feels like this escape is meaningless. I want to have all my friends free."

Anita just shook her head. "I really don't think it's a good idea… The stakes are too high. There is no way that we could make it. I mean—Andrea, think about it. Here, even though most of us are used as experiments, we are safe from the outside world. Remember: people think we are freaks, we'll be shunned. I made up my mind. I'm not going," she said firmly.

Anita…likes to fit in. She can't stand it if she's not part of the majority. She always tells me, "Go with the flow, Andrea, don't try to fight it."

I really didn't know how to respond to her. All I could say was: "You're brainwashed! How could you say that? After all they've done? They'll torture you if you stay."

"It'll be worse if we get caught."

"We won't," I protested.

Still she shook her head. "You can't get me to change my mind, Andrea." Even though Anita is quite shy, she is also quite stubborn.

After a moment, I told her, "Fine. This plan WILL work. You said there is a one in a houndred chance of it working, I will take that chance. We will escape." I turned around and left.
"You are a fool, Andrea, a stubborn fool." I heard Anita say quietly.
~~
As we approached the edge of the city, a dark fog enveloped us, blocking our view of the road.

"Fog? Here?" I wondered.

"We should go back now," Zero said. He touched my shoulder: his symbol for danger.

I already made up my mind before he said anything. "Wait, not yet. Let me just try to go through this fog."


Zero stared at me for a second and then he shook his head. "I really don't think that's a good idea, Andrea. But, if you really want to go, let me give you this."

He opened up his backpack and took out a brush, a bottle of ink, and a scroll. He must really think there is something wrong with this fog, I thought, because that was his emergency drawing equipment.

Zero opened the bottle and dipped his brush. He drew a thin, straight line on the unraveled scroll. The line came off when he lifted the brush off the paper—drawing complete.
He handed me one end of the rope and took the other end. "If you get lost, tug twice. If fifteen minutes have already passed, I'll tug once."

I nodded. Then, I went into the fog. This was no ordinary fog. One could say it was as thick as pea soup. I couldn't even see my hand, much less where I was going. The rope tightened as I moved forward. Eventually, I felt the rope slacken and the fog clear up. There was a figure standing just outside the fog.

"Hello?" I called out.

"'Drea?" The figure responded.

Zero? That's so strange…, I wondered. The fog cleared. The person was, indeed, Zero.

"That's so strange," I muttered again.

"Why? Didn't you turn back?" he asked.

"No," I shook my head. "I kept walking straight."

Zero spoke what I thought, "Weird…"

"Yeah. Come on, let's go back."

Zero looked relieved when I said that. "Yeah," he repeated.
 
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Wow, that's kinda freaky. I'm thinking.... This is getting to be really good. For some reason, I'm thinking this isn't her freinds\ Zero, but maybe a mirror him??? :o I dunno though. :D Can't wait for more!!
 
That was weird... I wonder why that happened.
 
shadowmoon said:
among the secrets is just a tentative title. if anyone can think of a better one, i would be great ^^

this story is about a group of kids with 'special' powers who have escaped from where they were captured. it is in 1st person. with a girl named andrea telling the story.

hopefully, this will be an interesting story. it's my first one, so be careful if there is any confusing plot. hope you enjoy it, though. ^^
also note that i wrote this on word and pasted, so the format might be different

'Among the Secrets'

Prologue

Escape. Freedom. Those were my only two thoughts two years ago. My friends and I fled into the darkness of the night. Luck seemed to be on our side. We were never caught once. We fled away from all things evile (do you mean evil?). Away from the Academy. Away from everything…

"Quickly!" I remember yelling.

"We're not going to make it!" a girl said next to me. Her dark yellow eyes shone with fear.

Someone started crying. It was too dark to see who it was. We definitely couldn't stop. Couldn't stop what? Fleeing? Do you mean running? Maybe if your character was running for so long you could also put emphasis on that they were feeling.. like if it's at night.. their rapid icy breathing beginning to burn their lungs. But.. Am I not supposed to know yet? It wasn't clarified later on, either. Not here. Not anywhere. Not until we're safe. The most I could do was offer a few meager words. Not much, but enough to bring a little hope that we'll be all right.

"We're almost there. Look above you. Do you see that light? I think that's the moon. When we are free, you'll see it every day," I said in my most soothing voice.

I looked behindbehind what?, a small girl stopped crying. Her topaz eyes were wide open. "So bwight and pwitty," she said with awe.Wait.. what? Did she look up? Because you only told us that her eyes were open..

A boy on my other other side? I thought you were implying that the small girl was behind her.side gasped, "No…don't tell me he betrayed us…"

A devil smile and glowing, dark, red eyes appeared in front of me. "Too late, Ice," it said. Then, it lunged.

I stopped running and tried to shield myself. The world went black.
Click to expand...


I could go on with little fixes but I just wanted to let you know that I am really enjoying the story content. And although sometimes you are trying to be obscure and not give all the information away with what is happening at the moment.. but at times you become very unclear. Just make sure to be consistent with the placement of your characters and that should make your characters a lot stronger.

Either way, I have read a bit more and I like where this is going! Great work and I hope you keep running with it!
 
thanks ^^. i'll go back and fix those.
note: purposely meant to put in the word "evile". i can't remember if i mentioned it before (next chapters). there is a meaning behind it. as i said before, if i never seem to mention it, then i'll change it back to "evil". but for now, i'll keep that word.
most of the time i forget that the people reading this are not "me" and don't necessarily think the same way i do.

i'll post the next chapter and go back to do revisions on other chapters.

Chap10

The way back gave me some time to think about Summer's dream. Her key word was "fog". I told Zero what I discovered.

"Summer had a new dream. This time it was about her sister, Rebecca. She said she knows where she is; in a building surrounded by FOG." I said, emphasizing the word "fog".

"So you think that this building is either in the fog or near it."

"Exactly."

Then, something hit him. "So that's why Sapphire's missing. You sent her to search for the building."

"Yes."

When we got back, Jupiter and Minerva were searching frantically for something…or someone.

"Have you seen Sapphire?" Jupiter asked as soon as we walked into the house.

"No, why?"

"It's been FIVE hours!" he emphasized how long it has been by raising up his hand.

"That is weird."

Jupiter started coughing madly. "Jupiter, are you alright?" I asked.

"Yeah," he wheezed. He reached into his pocket and pulled what seemed to be an inhaler. My first thought was, thank god he had that. My second thought was, wait, WHERE did he get that?

After he stopped coughing, I asked him, "Where did you get that?"

"I donno. When I started coughing, I knew that there was something in my pocket that would help me." He looked at the inhaler, "Huh, I never remembered owning one of these before."

I did a quick analysis. "It looks like you have asthma. Not good."

Jupiter shrugged. "Why? Asthma won't kill you."

"The slightest amount of dust will trigger it and it will be harder to fight. As in no more intensive workouts."

Jupiter kicked the floor with his foot. "Stupid asthma…" he grumbled.

I looked at Minerva. "Where did you guys search?"

"Everywhere, even in the attic," Minerva responded.

"Why would Sapphire be in the attic?" I started saying, "…Wait, we don't have an attic."

"I guess we do now."

Summer walked up to me. "So Sapphiya is gone?" Her topaz colored eyes was full of shock.

I heard Minerva gasp. I think she read Summer's aura, but I'm not quite sure. Minerva has a passive ability that allows for her to see "aura". By her definition, aura is a radiance that people give off naturally. She can tell someone's intentions, emotions, state of mind, and if they are lying by the color, size, and shape given off by the person. The flaw with this is that the ability is unpredictable; it turns on and off by itself.

After Summer left, I asked Minerva and Zero to come into the meeting room.

"Minerva, what did you see?" I asked.

Minerva shuttered. "Dark, fiery, almost…evilish—if that's a word."

I am really beginning to think that Summer isn't really who she thinks she is.
~~
That night, I had the urge to go to look at the stars. The best place to see them is on the deck and the only way to get there was to go past everyone's bedrooms. What's even worse, half the floorboards are creaky. I didn't want to wake anyone up.

Anyways, when I passed by Summer's room, I heard someone talking.

"Yes, the girl is gone, that'll provide a distraction…Yes, and the boy has a weakness…No, they don't know about the plan. They suspect nothing…"

The voice kept getting quieter. It sounded like Summer's, except it sounded older, like around eighteen-ish. I took a step closer and the floorboard squeaked under my weight. Drat, I thought. I felt a cold wind blow past me. I could just hear the person say, "Yes, she's here. Dream complete."

The world went black…again.

End of: The Deceivers
Part 2: The Rescue
 
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I'm going to start to use different perspectives of the origional gang (Andrea, Zero, Steven, and Jake) and also someone else. But, most of the time it will be in first person with Andrea talking.

Chap11

Zero woke up. His dream last night was vivid. He was trapped in a box-like cage, with no opening for air to get in. there was only darkness and a suffocating feel. Outside, he heard a voice, which sounded like Andrea's. "Help! Someone help me!"

He started coughing. No air left…

Zero sat up in bed, clutching his t-shirt, startled. Then, after relaxing, he chuckled. "Heh. Dreaming of people in danger, not a good sign, more like an omen," he said to himself.

Zero looked at the other side of the room, which was littered with candy wrappers and clothing. His roommate, Jupiter still was asleep. Unlike Andrea and Sapphire, he and Jupiter got along fine; there were no daily arguments about some stupid and pointless topics.

After getting dressed, Zero checked up on Summer. Summer's room was decorated with hands painted drawings (some done by her, others she asked for Zero to draw for her), and pink seashells. Her bed must have been the most elaborately decorated piece of furniture in the room; giant, pink pillows and a myriad of stuffed animals surrounded the bed. Summer seemed to be asleep when Zero first entered. She opened her eyes as he approached the centerpiece bed.

"Mowning, Zewo," Summer said as she sat up in bed and stretched.

Zero looked around the room. "I'm just here to check up on you, Sum. Say, any dreams?"

Summer shook her head. "No, just the same ol' dweem."

Zero raised his eyebrow. "What dream?" he pressed.

"Th'were was fog. Lots of fwog. Wabecca was th'were. Same wit Andwea and Sappy," she said as she made elaborate hand gestures. "Sappy" was Summer's nickname for Sapphire, since she could never pronounce her name correctly.

Zero turned to leave. "Well, just wanted to make sure you were OK." After Zero left Summer's room, he muttered, "'Don't trust every dream you hear', huh?"

As Zero walked down the stairs, Minerva called out to him from the bottom of the stairs. "Zero! Someone's on the vidphone for you. They're also asking for Andrea!" she yelled as she held a pad to him. The vidphone is basically a pad where you can video chat with others.

Zero took the pad from Minerva and walked into the living room. Minerva sat down in one of the sofas and started reading, while Zero leaned on the wall.

He called into the vidphone, "Hello?"

A face flickered onto the screen. The person had sandy hair, natural, green-brown eyes, and freckles. He wore a wide smile. "Yo, what up, Zero? How are the two of you?/How are you and you?"*

Zero gave him a weak smile. "Can we please not talk about that?"

Steven grumbled. "Fine. So, anything interesting happen?"

"Not much, Steven. Except…Minerva and 'Drea were training and Minerva blew up the whole gym-" Zero replied.

Minerva looked up from her reading. "No, I didn't!" she yelled, "Stop lying, Zero! I didn't blow up the whole gym!" Then, in a quieter voice, she added, "I only blew up half the gym…"
Steven was laughing. Zero shot a glare at Minerva. Minerva's face brightened. "Sorry, but it's true…"

"Anyways," Zero continued, "We found a chest-"

Steven stopped laughing. "So?"

Zero took a deep breath. He didn't like it when people cut in when he wasn't finished talking, but he was calm enough for the anger to not show. "There was a projector inside the chest. The projection was of Jake. Also, I am sure that the chest was never there before, so-"

"So you think that this has something to do with me," Steven finished.

Zero took in another deep breath. "Well, yes."

Steven looked troubled. "Look, I need to talk to 'Drea, now," he said hurriedly.

"Could you please answer my question first?" Zero asked calmly.

"As soon as you let me talk to Andrea," Steven asserted.

Zero sighed. Clearly, this was getting nowhere. "Fine," he replied.

Andrea's door was locked, so Zero knocked on the door. "'Drea?" he called.

"If she's busy, then I can call back another time," Steven told him.

"Let me try one more time." Zero responded. Zero knocked again. "Andrea?"

This time, the door opened. Summer's head peeked out the door. "Shhhhhhhh." She whispered as she raised a finger to her mouth. "Andwea is sweeping. She's weelly sick."

"Well, I'm going to go. Bye, Zero. Tell 'Drea I said "hi", OK?" Steven said. Then the screen went blank.

"Can I please come in?" Zero asked Summer.

Summer hesitated, "But she's weelly, weelly sick. I don't thwink twat's a good idea."

"Why not?" Zero inquired.

Summer narrowed her eyes. Her voice turned cold. "No. Now walk away. Forget that this happened. Go."

Zero's mind turned cloudy. He let go of something and it made a "thunk" on the floor. Maybe it was the vidphone-he couldn't tell. His eyes glazed over and his body seemed to be acting on its own. Turn around… Walk away... Go down the stairs... Forget that this whole thing happened…

The next thing you know, Zero was sitting at the bottom of the stairs. What happened? he thought. He groaned and started to rub his head, And why does my head hurt?


*yes, i know this part is confusing, but i didn't know anyway else to word it.
 
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Oh dear Summer dropped the 'w'. I think Sum is evil. Anyways nice chapter.
 
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Summmer now scares me!!!! D: I can't wait for more!!
 
sorry for the delay. was very busy this week


Chap12

Light. I slowly regained conscience. I moved my arms and legs. Check, all parts still here; nothing broken. "Where am I?" I wondered.

Looking around, I saw that I was in a cell like room. There were no windows and a single door stood between me and the exit. The doorknob started to turn. I backed away slowly from the door. The door opened, a person stood outside, just beyond the frame of the door, it was Jake. He stepped inside, his red eyes shined against the single light bulb hanging above our heads.

Jake began talking, "Andrea—"

"Where am I?" I asked, trying to muster all the courage I had left. Hopefully, I sounded more confident than I felt at the moment.

Jake gave a weary smile. "I think you already know."

I shook my head. "That can't be possible. Please, not Evile Corp…" I said desperately. Jake only nodded.

The academy belongs to a company called Evilent Corporation, or Evile Corp. for short. They are the ones who control the Academy and other various businesses. Everything the Academy does must be reported to Evile Corp, where it is approved.

"Why here? Why do you want me again? Haven't I already finished all the tests?" I asked.

Jake paused for a second. "This is what they said: your powers are unique and it might be of use to them in the future. They wish to look into you powers further." He started studying his fingertips of one hand. In the other hand, he held a card key: my gateway to freedom. He started to get off-topic. "You know, life here is boring. I'm thinking of getting out of here and explore the world."

When Jake took his eyes off of me, I used the time to make a camouflage shield. He looked up after a minute. "Ice, where are you?"

I guess the anger to the better of me. I unshielded and unleashed an energy ball onto his chest. Jake toppled over, knocked out.

I leaned over him and took the cardkey. "Don't you DARE call me 'Ice' again." I re-shielded and went out the door.

Evile Corp. is a giant maze of hallways and office cubicles. Every inch of the walls were painted in the same bland cream color. The last time I was here was when I was back to the Academy. They brought me into a pure white room where they gave me tasks. Some of them were as inhumane as putting me in a life-size maze to find cheese. I wanted to yell at them, "Stop treating us like lab rats, people! We're human, too!" I don't think that they cared.

One memory of Them was embedded into my brain; there is no possible way for me to forget it. They wanted to test my healing powers. They said that they wanted to 'help' me hone them. The scientists brought in a 'random specimen': Zero. They stabbed him. The white room became splattered with red. My stomach churned. I froze, all I could do was watch Zero bleed to death.

The scientists told me, "If you want Silver to live, you must do as you are told, Ice. Our goal in this session it to test you healing capacity, go."

I was furious. I wanted to disobey them, but I had no choice. They played me right into their trap. Zero was going to die if I obey them. I moved toward Zero and put my hands onto the wound. A purple light flashed around my bloody hands. The wound stopped bleeding and closed, leaving no mark. Zero whispered to me, "Thanks, 'Drea."

The scientists seemed to be amazed at my work. They said, "Impressive…Very impressive…let's try again, shall we?" All night, they continued like that. In the end, Zero was left with a long scar, running from his side to the center of his stomach. I was left scarred. It was my fault that Zero ended up like that, because of my accursed powers.
 
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Oh my!! :( I was brought to tears!! Poor 'Drea!! And what's with Jake? He's beginning to confuzzle me....
 
A reminder to reviewers to please try and put some more effort in reviews - a fair few here are just one liners that don't offer much to the author (some nothing at all, really...). Aftr all, the fanfiction rules state that reviews are supposed to be constructive - try going into more depth such as saying what parts in particular you may have liked and why for instance, which would actually help the author in some way as they know what they did right. It doesn't have to be like what Jax's review was like, but it shouldn't be a very short comment or two which doesn't add much in the way of feedback.




Taking a quick glance through, I'll first say although the text is readable certainly (yay spacing and whatnot!), you might as well go for the default font size as a large font size can mean people have to scroll an awful lot just to read the story, particualrly if one has a small screen/netbook for instance.

Watch for things that can be caught easily enough - for instance:
"It will be all wight," I heard summer say.
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Try a spell+grammar check with writing as it would likelyd pick up simple mistakes like wight (right), and some proof-reading bfore submitting would also take care of the such. It'd also be a good idea to get to fixing errors sooner rather than later as it is stuff like that whcih can put off the odd potential reader from continuing the story - all about making the story look as good as it can be and there's a bunch of stuff already mentioned by others that is still there from what I can see. Also as Summer is a person and hence is a proper noun in this story, it ought to be capitalised in all instances.

Another suggestion would go on top of an early one to 'make your chapters longer', but it's less about that and more adding description - try showing us more about what characters look like, how they say things, and so forth. For instance, jumping forward a bit:
Anita was a shy girl who was originally part of our group. She helped design much of the escape. But when it came time for the actual escape, she backed out, saying she didn't want to risk it. Anita liked to find the probability of any rick she takes.
Click to expand...
'Was a shy girl' does tell us that she is, well, shy, but even better would be to also show us more about her being shy - you mention for instance
"My guess is that the Academy interrogated her," I said.
Click to expand...
but adding why the character thought that would make it more realistic and enjoyable to read - for instance mentioning how she had backed out (manner of speech for instance) would add that bit extra to the story. However this seems to apply more to previous chapters as you do seem to do this more in later chapters from what I see, certainly, but adding more in the way of character reactions/emotions would be something to consider, imo.

You also seem to most of the time get the punctuation with dialogue spot-on - there is the odd instance of it being incorrect such as in chapter 10:
Then, something hit him, "So that's why Sapphire's missing. You sent her to search for the building."
Click to expand...
There is no need to use a comma there after 'him', as the two parts (bit before the dialogue and the dialogue) can be treated as two separate sentences here (the former is not talking about how the dialogue is said for instance, so it is a separate subject matter and hence separate sentence). But overall it is correct, and the characters seem interesting too.
 
yes, i think reviews would be great. they are really helpful when it comes for me to do editing

this is the next chapter, but, its short:


Chap13

Later that day, Zero asked Minerva, " Minerva, have you seen Andrea?"

Minerva shook her head. "No, I heard from Summer that she was sick."

"Yeah, I'm a little worried. I think that it would be best if we check up on her."

"Good idea."

While on the stairs, Minerva asked him, "Why do you care so much about her?"

Zero stopped walking and paused. Finally, he whispered, "She's my childhood friend and I owe it to her that I am here today." He then brought his hand up to his stomach, where the scar was. "If she's in trouble, it's time I repay the favor."

"Hmm…I thought it was another reason," Minerva responded. Zero's face turned pink.

They climbed up the remaining steps in silence. Minerva reached Andrea's room first. It was locked. She took out her wand. "Open." The door unlocked and swung open. Zero and Minerva walked into the room. There was the same old line of duct tape running down the middle of the room, separating the two sides. Sapphire's side still looked like someone splattered sapphire blue paint on the walls and furniture. While on Andrea's side of the room, lilac and black dominated the furniture. Both beds looked like they weren't slept in.What's going on? Zero wondered.

A voice spoke behind them, "You are not supposed to be here."

Zero turned around and faced the door. "What do you mean?"

"You are not supposed to be here," the person replied again, "You weren't supposed to know." Her topaz eyes looked cold. She spoke icily to Minerva, "Go. Attack him."

Minerva's yellow eyes glazed over. "Whatever you say, Master." Tears were streaming across Minerva's face as she drew her wand and pointed it at Zero. "Thunderbolt."

There was only one place for Zero to run, the window. He opened it and jumped down. Zero fell into the bush on the side of the house. Groggily, he got up and ran away from the house. Where am I going to go now?

In the distance, he heard that cold voice tell Minerva, "Don't worry about him. We have other things that need to be done. Come."

"Fog…" Zero breathed to himself.


i went back to correct the other chapters. please tell me if anything else is wrong. Also, Everything i typed for Summer's speech IS correct. i wanted to give her that way of talking
 
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This is interesting. I think I'm beginning to like it! :)

I think the chapter need to be a tad longer. They may look long on paper but keep in mind that yeah typing it up makes it look shorter! XD I prefer long chapter but that's just me haha.

The descriptions and the way you word certain phrases are very nice. It creates a lot of imagery and really sets a mood.

Also, in the last chapter you wrote, this sentence here: "..."You weren't supposed to know." Her topaz eyed looked cold. She spoke icily to Minerva, "Go. Attack him."" I REALLY loved the way you worded it. It really flows well! :D (Also I think the "topaz eyed" is supposed to be "topaz eyes", just a little error! XD)

Its going really well, keep it up!
 
Sorry for the delay.
i wish you a very belated happy holidays :)

I think the chapter need to be a tad longer. They may look long on paper but keep in mind that yeah typing it up makes it look shorter! XD I prefer long chapter but that's just me haha.
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I'm working on it :) sortof...

The descriptions and the way you word certain phrases are very nice. It creates a lot of imagery and really sets a mood.
Click to expand...
Thanks


Chap14

I know that I should be finding Sapphire and leaving this place as soon as possible, but a door sign caught my eye. It read:

Experimentation Information. Don't Enter.
​

I was never one to take many risks, but the sign drew me closer, like what a magnet would do to a nail. I slid Jake's keycard into the lock and went in. Inside, a single light projected itself onto the only thing in the room: a computer and a printer. Hopefully, I inherited Minerva's hacking skills because, the computer, naturally needed a password to get in. The username was already typed in: SEASONS. I took a guess and typed in a six letter word: SUMMER. I gave sigh of relief when a "Welcome" page flickered onto the screen.

After searching the hard drive, I was thinking that this was way too easy. No alarms rang and there was even a folder tagged "Plans". I opened the folder. Inside, there were documents and articles on various topics. One of them caught my eye. It said: "A Machine to Build a New Future!" I printed out the article and ran.

The security bell rang when I got out the door. You have got to be kidding me. I reached an intersection when, suddenly, a shadow came flitting into me. "Umph!"

"Sorry! Sorry! I didn't see you!" she said. The girl had short brown hair and metallic crystal eyes.

"Rebecca!" I said surprised, "I am so glad to see you!"

Rebecca got off of me. "So am I, Andrea!"

In her hand was a black and white toy. "Rebecca, what is that?" I gestured to the stuffed animal.

"It's a robotic panda. I found it lying on the floor. I named it Po. Can you let me keep it?" she begged.

I examined the panda. There didn't seem to be anything strange about it. "Fine."
She hugged me. "Thank you so much!" She was practically jumping up and down with excitement.

"Let's go." We started walking aimlessly through the maze of random hallways.
Soon, we were completely lost. After we made another turn, I asked her, "Rebecca, what happened to you?"

Rebecca hesitated, she clutched Po tightly. "I really don't want to talk about it." She looked disturbed. I guessed the experience traumatized her, so I let the subject drop.

We reached another intersection. There were two paths that we could take. Which way? That was the hard part of being a leader; making decisions that you don't know the outcome of. The left path lead straight to a pair of double doors, I could see the sun setting through the windows. On the contrary, the right path seemed to take us deeper into the maze.

Any sane person would instantaneously head toward the exit. I guess, at that moment, my head wasn't right because I regretted my decision immediately after I made it. I raised my hand toward Rebecca, who suddenly moved backward, through the left path. Additionally, I put up a shield, across the entrance of the left path so she wouldn't follow me.

She started pounding on the barrio that separated us. "What are you doing?!" Rebecca shrieked.

"What I think is right. Now, go, get out of here. Go back to the house, you should be safe there."

"What about you?" she asked.

I gestured to the right passage way behind me. "I have something I need to take care of first."

Rebecca looked at the exit and back at me. "Please, Andrea, don't do anything rash," she pleaded. She did a double take at the exit and back at me, then started running to the exit.

I took one final look at her before I started down my own path, too. Did I make the right choice?
 
i got out of school early because of the upcoming storm ^^
Sigh, yet another short chapter...
*spamming the italics*

Chap15

Zero looked around the dusty corridor of the abandoned factory near the edge of town. The only things in there were cobwebs and left over planks of wood littered on the ground. The old factory was once a saw mill. Years ago, a worker died there and it was soon deemed unsafe to use so it was shut down.

Zero looked out of one of the few uncovered window of the factory. It was getting dark out; the sun would be setting soon. Not much time left to find Andrea, he guessed. Wind blew through the cracks and niches of the decaying wood. Zero shivered. If she's not here…where else can she be?

He spend the most of the day searching the edge of the city, thankfully, they lived in a small city. The only place left to search was a cube like office building, which Zero highly doubted the Andrea was there. So far, two things worried him: the city looked deserted, and night would be here soon.

"Wait until night, it'll be easier to find her", a voice in the back of his head told him.

"I'd rather not," Zero muttered back.

"Why?" the voice mused, "Is it because you don't want her to see the other side? Are you afraid if she finds out the truth?"

"I just don't need your help to find her," Zero said firmly to the voice.

"Ah, but it's against your control."

Zero shook his head, trying to get rid of the voice. He was wasting time. The sun was setting; he had to act fast because there was only an hour left.

~~

Summer looked at her nails and then at the blazing sunset. They should be back soon… she thought.

While Andrea was missing and Zero had left them, Summer had her own agenda to take care of. She was standing on the balcony, overlooking the backyard. Jupiter carried a giant metal ring across the yard. While it looked heavy, and it was twice the size of him, the golden eyed boy show no struggle carrying it. Another person was in the yard; Minerva drew intricate circles and designs on the ground, around a centralized point.

When she took her eyes off of Jupiter, Summer heard a crash that rang through the neighborhood. She turned her attention back at Jupiter and saw that he was lying on his back with the giant ring next to him. There were no visible signs of damage. Jupiter sat up and started rubbing his head and coughing.

"Get up," she told him.

Ouch, why should I? she heard him think. His golden eyes started to become clear again.

Summer bit her lip. Looks like that I'm losing them. No. Not yet, not while I'm this close. She spoke to Jupiter again, "Get up and finish the job. It's for the good of everyone. Andrea would be proud."

Jupiter's eyes fogged up, becoming glazed; he stood up and picked up the metal ring. "Whatever you say, Summer."

Summer smiled. Not bad, she thought, It's almost complete.
 
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Your doing a good job, just maybe make the chapters a little longer.

Also when Zero is talking to the voice you put commas. I believe those are suppose to be periods. If I'm wrong I'm sorry.
 
no, its fine
i'll edit that the next free time i have, i'm just not sure if there's a real way to write that

sorry if anyone's confused with the last chapter.

there were a few lines where zero is talking and then there is italic speech. ummm...how do i word this...

Zero...has a split personality where there is another conscience besides his own. i tried to find a way for them to talk, but i'm stuck.

note: some of the italic thoughts is just the person thinking

does anyone know a way for me to right this so it won't be so confusing?
thx ^^
 
If italics aren't working you can always put the other conscience in {....} or <....>
 
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