When I was younger, around when I first joined PC, in fact, yes. I was depressed and didn't know where I fit in in life. I don't know why it mattered to me so much, but I felt really alone. Didn't have any real friends, didn't know what 'fun' really was. This was before I had internet, mind you. At times, it got really bad, where I'd cry in my pillow, consider myself to be pathetic and worthless. Those were bad times. At one point, I sunk to an all time low and suicide crossed my mind. End it, you know? I wasn't thinking about how it'd affect anyone else, I just didn't want to feel so pathetic. I dreamed of ways to end it, but that's the furthest I ever went. I never inflicted pain, cause I was afraid of that, too. I saw it pointless to hurt yourself if you just want to end the pain.
Fast forward a few months, and I discovered the internet. Specifically, PC. This is before all the social media fuss; PC was my first opportunity to freely socialize. Sure, it was with people I'd possibly/probably never meet, but that's better than what came prior, right? Unfortunately, I guess two things still got in my way. One was that I was still a tween, so I was dumb and made several stupid mistakes on PC in my early days. Coming from someone who was just getting initiated to socializing, I took those infractions and warnings way too close to heart than I should have. The second thing was that, well, it was still the internet. Not real life. I didn't want to be only happy at home. I wanted to live life outside the four walls I slept in. These 2 things crept up on me, and forma second time, I eventually went back to being slightly depressed. Suicide did come up again, but it wasn't as... honest(?) as my first time. At that point, I was seeking attention. I wanted to see if anyone cared if I died. Sure, my parents would. But that wasn't good enough for me back then. I remember creating a suicide thread on PC very similar to this one around that time lol.
One thing happed that allowed me a way out: high school. A new opportunity to reinvent myself. Be more brave, more courageous. I guess that was my ray of sunshine in the darkness, my hope. I swore to myself that I'd try my hardest to be different. To be noticed. And, well, it happened. I was less butthole-ish and mood swingy and more nice and (dare I say it?) charming. Where did come from is even beyond my understanding. But it came. Granted, not immediately, it was a process, but I noticed things were getting better and I managed to, eventually, get out of the pit. PC also helped, for sure. I was much happier, and this place, I guess, helped me realize my faults in clarity. I guess I just answered my own question as to why all I cared about as a noob was VMs and Social Groups.
Now, 6 years after that, and being someone completely new, suicide still crosses my mind, but the tables are turned. I'm aware that my reason for being suicidal/depressed can't compete with other peoples' lives, people who have absolutely nothing going there way. But I think that it doesn't matter what exactly is causing us to inflict self-harm, the simple fact that it is doing just that is enough to have us relate in someway. Today, I absolutely despise the notion of suicide, as well as self harm. I do not hate people who do such things. It's easy to say something like that if you've never felt the urge to leap off your 4th floor apartment building. Suicide is something that keeps popping up in my mind today because of how big an issue it is. Slightly deviating from the topic, but if I see someone who has cut wrists that I know well enough, I make every attempt to aid them. Yes, I know that's breach of privacy, hence me only going up to people I know well enough. But I can't bare the thought of one of my friends going so far as to inflict pain.
Some people may know I have a habit of standing on the edge of buildings. Part of the reason I do that is cause the view is amazing, but part of it (sometimes) is because I remember those thoughts from years ago. To stand so close to Death's door and choose to live, when the temptation of free flight exists, makes me feel powerful. A weird psychological thing, probably, but it does.
I don't believe I've truly ever admitted so much about myself, my past, and why PC means so much to me. And why I can be an attention ***** at times. :P No, but seriously. Guys, suicide is not the answer. Please.