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Um....found only one problem...frosty. XD

-now this story got one of the most terrible start for a Lily-production... 3 incomplete sentences in 3 lines gotta be the newest record for Lily being silly regarding grammar o.o; Incomplete sentences are all over the place in this fanfic.
Click to expand...

It's supposed to have the incomplete sentences...I added them on purposely for the atmosphere of some sort. ;/

I guessed 67, but this'll do.

*playz LG*
 
If an incomplete sentence is to be used on purpose, then the incomplete sentence should be *as short as possible,* not a whole line worth of incomplete sentence... so that's the difference. ^^;


Oni wrote again! *gasp* *confetti* *hugs* ^________^

@ Love Lost

-some of the diction is a bit clumsy... like "uncomplicated" where you could have just used "simple." The shorter word length in simple also supports the mood a bit.

-"The air smelled sweet and fresh and the breeze, refreshing." The usage of "and _____ and" is always quite poor within narration. It's a very clumsy sentence structure.

-"as he tried to think up of the simple ways to tell her." Again, a very awkward sentence... perhaps you want "to think of a simple way to tell her" instead.

-don't change tenses around for no reason at times... sometimes you say "what he feels about her" and then half way through the story it becomes "how he felt of her," as if his love for her died and has become "past tense." I'm pretty sure that this isn't the case regarding what Green is feeling ^^;

-You definitely want a bit of transition between the event under the blossom tree, and a "few weeks later..." right now it's rather confusing at that final part of the denouement.

-hmm... the ending confuses me a lot. But then, if I find out what does Owari mean, that should help a lot XD;;;

-effort/originality and many other things are taken out of the marking system, due to the fact that the story's plot is rigid and is a constant, and unchangable.

-A conclusion for this review regarding this fanfic: "purity"


Grammar Basics: 9/10
Characterization: 16/20
Coherence/Readability: 9/10
Tone/Atmosphere: 16/20
Diction: 16/20
Effort/Originality: omit/20
Lit. Device bonus: +0

Total: 66/80 => 83 (Standard of Honours)
 
Yay! Frosty rated my one shot! XD

Owari means "end" ... basically. The last part was a little bit rushed since my hands were getting numb... O_O (cold...)
 
I didn't even know that a fanfiction lounge existed. X3; I'm too dim-witted. XD;

*dies*
 
I'm thinking about attempting a one shot--over what would probably happen if the human characters got involved in the mayhem of "Gotta Dance!"

A preview: Brock finds the NEW Dancing Pokebaton 2.0...

"Hey...what's this?" Brock asked, holding up a long baton with a red and blue Poke Ball on one end and various buttons on the other.

"Pika chu!" Pikachu cried, instantly recognizing the object in Brock's hands. "Pika chu pi pi Pichuka pi..."

"A dancing stick, huh?" Ash replied, piqued by the strange baton.

"Funny...what's this for?" and Brock pressed a button at the top, opening the Poke Ball and causing a rousing melody to come blaring into the room!

"Huh?" May glanced over, curious as to what the noise was.

"Oh..." Brock started as the song began. "Oh...my...Oh...my...gotta dance now, oh yeah!" With that, he reached for a pair of castenets and began clicking them to the beat as he danced about the room with glee.

"Brock...are you okay?" Max asked, concerned.

"No sense sittin' in your chair, NO!" Brock sang as he twirled throughout the room, knocking over boxes in the process.

"We're not even sitting..." Ash grunted, trying to resist the urge to dance.

"Flying and gliding through the air!" Brock sang as he made a flying leap into a stack of barrels, making them tumble to the floor.

"The wand's controlling him and making him dance!" Max concluded as he hit the top button again, closing up the ball and making the music stop. Brock also lay in the demolished pile of barrels, breathing heavily.

May raced over and helped Brock to his feet. "Are you okay?" she asked.

"Yeah..." Brock wheezed as he pocketed his castenets. "I have no idea why I danced like that...it just came over me!"...
 
Similar to the style of my other guide, I had an idea of a parody story called "Purple Peanut Butter: the Tragic Tale of Angsteon". I just need to think of a decent plot, even though it's not sopposed to be taken seriously. And I'll post the next chap of Guilty whenever I feel like it.
 
Are we allowed to post links for our fanfics to be reviewed? I want to know what you think of my fic, Final Flames. I will edit it more to be fixed too. I'm still only in the beginning of it, so probably a good time to make sure everything is okay with it.

Thanks a bunch!
 
You could advertise your ficcy to get a review here (with a link- suure...) But most likely, people will just randomly review. XD Only one person reviews in the Fanfiction Lounge - frostweaver. Careful you don't curl up in your corner and weep afterwards you have read it. >>; i.e. constructive criticism.

...^^;
 
Ya, his are all true and good...but people tend to think of them as mean or something. First time I heard one of his it made me get in the fetal position >> Not anymore XD
 
^LOL at blue's post...*dies laughing* A fetal position indeed. When I got frosty's review for the first time, I just...liked it I suppose, considering he didn't have his rating (Deja Vu right here...) back then and it helped me...

...Aw, blue. *pat pat* I had no idea. XD
 
@ Trials of Reluctance (ch. 3 + 4)

-might as well do 2 chapters at once since nothing new is semi-interesting XD

-once again we have some hated "conversation spam"... really the idea of Brendan and good grades can be explained by narration. It's just not right when nearly the whole chapter 3 except the flashback is all a huge conversation.

-the "emotional" May scene is a bit awkward with diction... also it lacks transition a little bit (but not too much of a problem). Tsunami also flipped side too quickly too. And I'm not sure if this is a good thing or bad thing, but you're also equally consistent about how quickly May recovers, without much transition too XD;;

-chapter 3 can certainly be expanded... now that the identity of May being the Crimson Fighter is revealed, you can dwell on that a bit more to build up May's "cold side" character development.

-yay first irony that I've spotted in this fanfic! Not a big one, but still it's nice and somewhat humourous too...

-some of the Brendan lines really lack the support for his arrogance in his battle... when he's supposedly taunting May, the lines really didn't give him a feeling of arrogance at all.

-May's response to the taunts can also be colder to reinforce her "split-personality" regarding Brendan and the rest of the world... But this one is just my own personal preference too.

-again, TONS of conversation... can always paraphrase a bit of those and let the narration take care of it.

-the battle scene is a terribly revealing emotional scene, yet it isn't very developped. Expand it certainly. The fact that May pulled out of the battle is very important, and should not be just be left with 2 lines worth of explanation.

-if there is a change in POV, then just let it... don't need to put funny brackets around it. You're certainly allowed to change the narrator's POV half way, as long as the change is appropriate.

-the 3-year old scene besides May's narration is completely useless...

-but gotta love Norman's tone in the 4 year old scene =) May who is suppose to sound a lot weaker seems a bit tough and strong for a 4 year old who's "intimidated" by one of her superiors

-Mrs. Hiromi and Norman's first words about the camp make it seem like some weekly camp, and then it seems like later Cipher kidnapped them during the camp and shipped them off to their secret training base... rather a bit confusing there.

-though the plot sets up Cipher to be a terribly evil organization, the diction doesn't follow along. May uses highly "neutral" sentences such as "There, we were trained beyond our mental and physical limits to not only are able to leech out a Pokemons true strength to make them into merciless killers but to become the ultimate army of assassins." It's really like a report more than a personal reflection about onself's darkest past... the plot sets up some scary beginnings, but the tone weakens the plot...

-once again, diction is acting funny... it really makes the guys from cipher terribly weak when you refer to them as "Cipher Peon" while reality says that they have superior and complete authority/power over little May.

-now that you're speaking in the viewpoints of May, use terminologies that May should know when she's suffering through this event (remember, it's a flashback). I'm very doubtful that a 8 or 9 year old knows what's internal bleeding or serum... just die or drug will be sufficient. This is again more changes in diction, and it adds to the realistic effect of the work, to truly bring your readers to be with the flashback, and in the flashback.

-hmm... the "ending" to Part 1... I don't know. Once again, it seems a bit too fast of a transition from the dark side of May to her warm side... This one I can't exactly pinpoint where it seems wrong. Most likely it's related to dictions and tone again. Max's attempt to do anything more than cameo line is rather a plot-killer. It's so focused on the relationship on Brendan and May for some intensively cute Hoennshipping, and suddenly the brat gets in the way... argh! >>;


Grammar Basics: 9/10
Characterization: 16/20
Coherence/Readability: 9/10
Tone/Atmosphere: 14/20
Diction: 14/20
Effort/Originality: 16/20
Lit. Device bonus: +2 (irony, humour)

Total: 80 (Standard of Honours)
 
The fiction actually touched me. Waaaaaahhhhhhhh! *goes away and sobs*
 
frostweaver said:
@ Trials of Reluctance (ch. 3 + 4)

-might as well do 2 chapters at once since nothing new is semi-interesting XD

-once again we have some hated "conversation spam"... really the idea of Brendan and good grades can be explained by narration. It's just not right when nearly the whole chapter 3 except the flashback is all a huge conversation.

-the "emotional" May scene is a bit awkward with diction... also it lacks transition a little bit (but not too much of a problem). Tsunami also flipped side too quickly too. And I'm not sure if this is a good thing or bad thing, but you're also equally consistent about how quickly May recovers, without much transition too XD;;

-chapter 3 can certainly be expanded... now that the identity of May being the Crimson Fighter is revealed, you can dwell on that a bit more to build up May's "cold side" character development.

-yay first irony that I've spotted in this fanfic! Not a big one, but still it's nice and somewhat humourous too...

-some of the Brendan lines really lack the support for his arrogance in his battle... when he's supposedly taunting May, the lines really didn't give him a feeling of arrogance at all.

-May's response to the taunts can also be colder to reinforce her "split-personality" regarding Brendan and the rest of the world... But this one is just my own personal preference too.

-again, TONS of conversation... can always paraphrase a bit of those and let the narration take care of it.

-the battle scene is a terribly revealing emotional scene, yet it isn't very developped. Expand it certainly. The fact that May pulled out of the battle is very important, and should not be just be left with 2 lines worth of explanation.

-if there is a change in POV, then just let it... don't need to put funny brackets around it. You're certainly allowed to change the narrator's POV half way, as long as the change is appropriate.

-the 3-year old scene besides May's narration is completely useless...

-but gotta love Norman's tone in the 4 year old scene =) May who is suppose to sound a lot weaker seems a bit tough and strong for a 4 year old who's "intimidated" by one of her superiors

-Mrs. Hiromi and Norman's first words about the camp make it seem like some weekly camp, and then it seems like later Cipher kidnapped them during the camp and shipped them off to their secret training base... rather a bit confusing there.

-though the plot sets up Cipher to be a terribly evil organization, the diction doesn't follow along. May uses highly "neutral" sentences such as "There, we were trained beyond our mental and physical limits to not only are able to leech out a Pokemons true strength to make them into merciless killers but to become the ultimate army of assassins." It's really like a report more than a personal reflection about onself's darkest past... the plot sets up some scary beginnings, but the tone weakens the plot...

-once again, diction is acting funny... it really makes the guys from cipher terribly weak when you refer to them as "Cipher Peon" while reality says that they have superior and complete authority/power over little May.

-now that you're speaking in the viewpoints of May, use terminologies that May should know when she's suffering through this event (remember, it's a flashback). I'm very doubtful that a 8 or 9 year old knows what's internal bleeding or serum... just die or drug will be sufficient. This is again more changes in diction, and it adds to the realistic effect of the work, to truly bring your readers to be with the flashback, and in the flashback.

-hmm... the "ending" to Part 1... I don't know. Once again, it seems a bit too fast of a transition from the dark side of May to her warm side... This one I can't exactly pinpoint where it seems wrong. Most likely it's related to dictions and tone again. Max's attempt to do anything more than cameo line is rather a plot-killer. It's so focused on the relationship on Brendan and May for some intensively cute Hoennshipping, and suddenly the brat gets in the way... argh! >>;


Grammar Basics: 9/10
Characterization: 16/20
Coherence/Readability: 9/10
Tone/Atmosphere: 14/20
Diction: 14/20
Effort/Originality: 16/20
Lit. Device bonus: +2 (irony, humour)

Total: 80 (Standard of Honours)
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Yeah one of my more confusing Chapters...

Hmmm...I don't know whether to be glad that I was able to leave you speecless at most points or curse my own lack of description...

The comment you made about 8 or 9 year olds not understanding the meaning of internal bleeding...Point taken. That's why those brackets exist. The entire flashback was made to be narrated in present-day May's point-of-view The reason she was neutral in tone about it is because she wanted to give us the expression that she doesn't care one way or the other. More or less my inexperience at public fic writing weakened this.

I dunno about the three-year-old scene something that I just felt like adding for sake of showing how far back she was being compared to her parents. Useless maybe...

Cipher Peon is the actual name of the Cipher followers (Grunts/lesser rankless dudes with no actual influence) in the game... But I should've just said henchman or something...

Max's 'cameo lines'...Hmm nice way to describe it. I just called it: "Needlessly putting your two-cents into something that you truly have no say in." I'm not what you'd call a romantic so maybe that's why I did that.

As far as my use of wordiness goes...I'm working on this to this very day for a couple of currently posted chapters and all the future ones...(Even though it becomes more centered around battle after Chapter 5)

Just to get my but out of the hole I digged for myself for the future...The story gets a bit different from here...
 
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The present day May learned what she knows about the pass through what she knows back then. If she doesn't know what they are back then, she won't know about what they are not either most likely...

The neutral in tone normally does do what you say, but the fact that not all the time is the tone neutral doesn't seem to say so... as most of the time she mentions anger, and same for the narration too when she escapes to her hate/anger to hide. So that didn't really work out...

Well just keep working on it and you'll be a great writer... take your time. Do all the school stuff first and leave fanfic to be nothing mroe than a hobby.


@ Final Flames (ch.1-4)

-"Miles was 9 now. Danny was dead. He died at 10 years old. Now Ryan was 18. And Seth and I were 12. Ellen was 5. We'd all grown up too fast, it was weird. That Eric boy all too long ago must be 15 at this point. It seemed weird thinking about it."
Highly repetitive sentence with numbers... physical character descriptions are just tossed at us for really no reason (as we aren't attached to the characters at all... we know nothing about them beside the names.)

-watch out for grammar, especially grammars that your word processors should have caught for you already

-what's with the "(I'll stop with the 5 years thing now.)"? Readers got no right to criticize you if you strongly feel the need to insert something in, as long as it contributes to the story and its theme.

-really and generally lacking in emotions in terms of relating to older events... as if they're quite irrelevant. It's like reading a newspaper, being thrown at us events after events, and not necessarily do we feel touched by them (which is something a newspaper shouldn't do but a story should do)

-too much paragraphs... combine a few of them so you don't get tons of one-line paragraphs

-read the "read first" article, the one about anime styled battling... Reading Iveechan's fanfic, especially her latest chapter will help too, as you can see what is the ideal form of fanfic-battling (link to the story is available in my signature.)

-don't try to use the same sentence structure over and over again... it's really boring then. Try to get away from "<character> <verb> <object>" structure.

-the kiss romantic scene... kind of lacked emotional development again. The build-up of the lack of emotions result in this scene not sounding very convincing or real.

-many things are kind of unexplained... as if it's there because it's there. It's like how did Ash/Aqua suddenly appear into the story? No idea...

-quite anime-like in most of the things that happened... such as all the characters being "perfect characters" which is quite problematic. It's terribly boring when there's no faults in the characters...

-slow down your pace in pumping out chapters, and take more time to plan and to read over your work to make changes to them. Also, reading other stories/fanfics will also contribute to your writing skill. This is a nice attempt, overall.


Grammar Basics: 8/10
Characterization: 10/20
Coherence/Readability: 8/10
Tone/Atmosphere: 9/20
Diction: 9/20
Effort/Originality: 14/20
Lit. Device bonus: +1 (repetition)

Total: 59
 
Oh, Lynnk, if you have any troubles with emotional descriptions, I could always help you with those. And, you could read my story Love's Lost...which tore emotional holes all over my readers... o-o
 
Thanks, Oni Flygon. Not easy to type emotional stuff when my families around. I get embarassed easily. Even if I do a small kiss-hug or something like scene, I don't like anyone reading my stories. --;
 
Hi, I'm a new member here and I just posted my first fanfic, The Shining Eevee. It has actually been posted in many other sites ("Why not add one more?" I say). The first two chapters are up. I have completed nine so far (And I started it many month ago. Bah!).
 
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