[Other Original] Insanity - Short Story

[gimmepie]

I have finally done it, I have ventured out of my beloved RPC and into FF&W. The following is a (very) short story that I consider of the Thriller genre. In relation to its premise and its genre, this story includes mature themes and language and could be disturbing to some readers.

Insanity​

Kill them all
Kill them all
Kill them all

"No!" I scream, the hard concrete ground cold beneath my knees as I kneel on the floor. The voice won't leave. The voice never leaves. Why won't it leave me alone?! Why am I here trapped in this room with nobody to comfort me? Why must I be tortured, I don't want to hear it but it's always there. Always.

It's been so long, I've been locked in the dark and the cold for so long and I fear that I'm going to lose my sanity… or have I lost it already? The thought chills me to the bone. Still the voice speaks to me.

Kill them all

I'm not just trapped in this cell but in the depths of my own despair. I want to die; I want to be free at last. I never want to hear the cold commanding tone of this voice again and I want to be released from the featureless grey of these walls. I don't deserve this, I'm a good person. I'm a good person aren't I?

Drip.
I look around for the source of the sound; it must have been days since they gave me water. I look but I can't see a source. I can't see much at all really, just the shadowy outline of the cold grey confines of my cell. That's when I feel the pain in my arm. I look down and now I can understand. My right arm is bleeding, wetting my skin with my blood, my left hand sinking my now unkempt and dirty nails into my skin. The sound was a droplet of my blood on the floor. At last, maybe if I die of exsanguination I'll be free of this hell.

Kill them all

"But you'll torture me until then won't you?" I'm doomed to suffer the sickening sound of the voice until all my blood leaves my body and I can finally be at peace in death's sweet embrace.

Kill them all

Even if I wanted to kill someone I'd be stuck in this cell anyway, how would I do it? Maybe if I tried long enough I could break down this accursed door, I could find a guard – at least I'm assuming there's a guard – I could wrap my bloody hands around their neck and squeeze them. They could struggle but I wouldn't let them go. The voice would speak to me as I wrung the life out of their body.
Yes. Kill him. Kill them all. Burn this world to the ground and be free at last.
I would see the guard's eyes roll back, feel his breath stop and the voice would finally be silent for a while. I'd have relief.

No. What am I thinking? No. That's not me. I'm not a killer. But if that's the case, how did I end up in this cell? Did I give in and kill someone? Where am I? How did I get here? I don't remember anything any more. All I remember is the voice. The voice has been with me for as long as I can remember. For years, it has been there – always saying the same simple command and always cold and demanding.

Kill them all

I can feel my frustration bubbling up inside me. I feel my anger burning in me like a fire, fuelling my despair. How I long to be free of the cell, free of this voice and of this disgusting world that would lock me away. I'm the victim here.

An image flashes before my eyes at that thought, a family. Dead. I can see them in my mind, lying in a pool of their blood. I can hear a manic disturbing laugh and it revolts me. It was my voice. Was that a memory? Did I do that? Was that my family? Did I enjoy their deaths? I laughed. I must have. At that moment though, humour was the opposite of what I felt. I felt sick, confused. I'm terrified of myself. Just let me die.

Kill them all

"I can't. I'm stuck in this fucking cell."

Kill them all

"How!" I scream at the voice.

Kill them all

"Fine!" I'm losing it now; I want this voice gone. I would kill a legion of helpless, innocent men, women and children if this voice would leave me "I'll kill every last person on this freaking planet if you'll let me out and leave me be." I want to. I want others to suffer. I'll get out. I'll soak my hands in the blood of anyone I find. They deserve it. They deserve it for not looking for me, for not saving me, for leaving me locked in this cesspit. "I'll kill them all and I'll kill you too!"

I'm slamming my body against the door; pounding it until my body aches and gorging at it until my nails break and bleed.
"Just let me out!" I'm crying, I'm screaming, hyperventilating and in a frenzy. "Just give me my freedom and I'll do anything you ask. I'll murder every last person who walks by me!"

Kill them all

The door opens.​

---

I contemplated making this post more appealing visually, but I don't know if that's really the thing to do in this section. It's certainly not related to the story quality at all. I hope you guys enjoy my first foray into this part of PC.

 

[Bay]

Hey, welcome to the FF&W! I'm going to start with a few mistakes I noticed and then my overall thoughts.

Even if I wanted to kill someone I'd be stuck in this cell anyway, how would I do it.

This is more of a preference, but I think replacing the period to a question mark would be better as it seems the narrator is asking something ("...how would I do it?").

"How!" I scream at the voice

Missing period.

I would kill a legion of helpless, innocent men, women and children if this voice would leave me "I'll kill ever last person on this freaking planet if you'll let me out and leave me be."

You're missing a period before "...this voice would leave me". Also, "every".

"Just let me out" I'm crying, I'm screaming, hyperventilating and in a frenzy "Just give me my freedom and I'll do anything you ask. I'll murder every last person who walks by me!"

Some missing punctuation here. I think there should be an exclamation point after "Just let me out" and then a period. Like this:

"Just let me out!" I'm crying, I'm screaming, hyperventilating in a frenzy. "Just give me... (etc.)"

I also noticed a few instances where you forgot to double space between paragraphs, so the formatting was somewhat inconsistent.

This is an interesting take on someone's mind not very stable after being in a lone prison like that for sometime. Besides the "Kill them all", there are some repetition in the prose but it works well in context. If the narrator did indeed killed their family, then ouch. I also like where you ended to let the readers have their own interpretations how it ends.

There were a few grammar/mechanic mistakes that would benefit more with some proofreading, otherwise this is a nice short here!

 

[gimmepie]

Hey, welcome to the FF&W! I'm going to start with a few mistakes I noticed and then my overall thoughts.



This is more of a preference, but I think replacing the period to a question mark would be better as it seems the narrator is asking something ("...how would I do it?").


Missing period.



You're missing a period before "...this voice would leave me". Also, "every".



Some missing punctuation here. I think there should be an exclamation point after "Just let me out" and then a period. Like this:

"Just let me out!" I'm crying, I'm screaming, hyperventilating in a frenzy. "Just give me... (etc.)"

I also noticed a few instances where you forgot to double space between paragraphs, so the formatting was somewhat inconsistent.

This is an interesting take on someone's mind not very stable after being in a lone prison like that for sometime. Besides the "Kill them all", there are some repetition in the prose but it works well in context. If the narrator did indeed killed their family, then ouch. I also like where you ended to let the readers have their own interpretations how it ends.

There were a few grammar/mechanic mistakes that would benefit more with some proofreading, otherwise this is a nice short here!

Thanks for the helpful review there, I really need to take more time to proof-read things before I post them because I have like zero ability to notice errors in punctuation whilst I am writing. After I have gotten some sleep I'll fix up those problems you pointed out. Thank you again!

Edit: I went through and edited for punctuation, I think I got all of it. As for missing spaces between paragraphs, I'm really not sure what you mean because it looks fine to me. Could you elaborate?

 

[Kyoe]

Well, overall I like it. It's interesting that it questions the stability of the human mind, on top of leaving no definitive answer to the voice actually being in the main character's head, or if it's some outer force preforming a sick sort of mental retraining. (Hence the door opening after they scream that they would do anything for their own freedom, including murder. I'm unsure if you intended to imply that or not, though, that might just be my perception of it, haha...)

The one major issue I did have with it is that the narrative character doesn't seem very well defined. Keeping a lack of physical description is irrelevant if treated delicately, but the personality and things of that such are vital to a thriller, as the reader needs to be able to relate to someone in the writing.
Even without giving the character a full backstory, you can arrange the vocabulary in a way that would imply traits the character has, or other information about them. Are they intelligent? Use many varied words. Do they have an accent of some sort? Convey it in the spelling, and phrases they use.

"I sure hope you ain't offend'ed by mah review, I'am tryna' be helpful."

:3

 

[gimmepie]

Well, overall I like it. It's interesting that it questions the stability of the human mind, on top of leaving no definitive answer to the voice actually being in the main character's head, or if it's some outer force preforming a sick sort of mental retraining. (Hence the door opening after they scream that they would do anything for their own freedom, including murder. I'm unsure if you intended to imply that or not, though, that might just be my perception of it, haha...)

The one major issue I did have with it is that the narrative character doesn't seem very well defined. Keeping a lack of physical description is irrelevant if treated delicately, but the personality and things of that such are vital to a thriller, as the reader needs to be able to relate to someone in the writing.
Even without giving the character a full backstory, you can arrange the vocabulary in a way that would imply traits the character has, or other information about them. Are they intelligent? Use many varied words. Do they have an accent of some sort? Convey it in the spelling, and phrases they use.

"I sure hope you ain't offend'ed by mah review, I'am tryna' be helpful."

:3

No worries, I hadn't even considered it might come off like that.
Honestly, I actually left a lot of that out intentionally. The reasoning being that the character doesn't really know who they are anymore, the only thing they are familiar with is the tiny room they are desperate to escape. I kind of figured the best way to convey that would be to not imply anything about the character. Basically the character isn't defined because they've lost themselves.

If it didn't work out that's fine though, I think I want to experiment more with this sort of writing style. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

 

[Foxrally]

Do you plan on continuing? I feel the ending a little anticlimactic.

 

[moon]

You should post here more, gimme ;)

This is a bit too creepy for my taste, but very well written as it is now. I saw you bolded the word my to emphasize it. Mostly in written work I've seen italics used for that instead. But on a forum like this, maybe it doesn't matter as long as the point gets across, haha. Still.

 

[gimmepie]

Do you plan on continuing? I feel the ending a little anticlimactic.

Really? I mean, personally I think a murderous lunatic being unleashed upon society is pretty climactic, but to each their own I guess. Either way, this is more about reading into the state of the character's mind than the plot. I have considered doing a sequel, but I think I might just leave it as it is. I would like to experiment more with this style of writing in the future though.

You should post here more, gimme ;)

This is a bit too creepy for my taste, but very well written as it is now. I saw you bolded the word my to emphasize it. Mostly in written work I've seen italics used for that instead. But on a forum like this, maybe it doesn't matter as long as the point gets across, haha. Still.

Horror and thrillers are my favourite genres to write xD
I have seen both italics and bolding used for emphasis. I dislike using the italics though since italics also represent thought.

Thanks for the reviews guys, I'm glad you enjoyed it to some degree :)