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You're gonna have a bad time.
- 947
- Posts
- 10
- Years
- "england would also be acceptible"
- Seen Nov 3, 2019
We give thanks to the Great Stork above,
For bringing us a Child of Perverse Nature. He has provided us with much joy over the past Sixteen Years.
Praise be to the Stork. Praise be to Lord Helix. Thine wisdom is consummate.
We are gathered today to offer thanks for his delightful charm. Young Matthew J. Maccrash was born on the 9th of July, 1998 into a dark world. A world that was missing its talismanic hipster. It was a world that lacked last.fm. It was a world that lacked Rate Your Music Dot Com. It was a world where pitchfork.com was about farming as opposed to worshipping Hipster Legends.
As a birthday present, I have decided to offer Matt Sixteen Tips To Not Die Before He Turns Seventeen:
TIP 1: Do not walk into oncoming traffic. You will get hurt. A lot.
TIP 2: On a related note, if you see Quil driving, run. Run as fast as your hip legs can carry you.
TIP 3: Drinking cleaning products such as bleach will not help you live a long healthy life.
TIP 4: Fall damage is very dangerous. Take care to avoid being near the edge of a platform.
TIP 5: Wear protection for anything where wearing protection is advised.
TIP 6: Avoid juggling with cacti. If you were to accidentally get one in your eye, you would certainly regret it.
TIP 7: Avoid locking yourself in a freezer. You may become severely impaired.
TIP 8: Do not stand next to explosives and ignite them. Remain a safe distance from them at all times.
TIP 9: Avoid anything with a gun. That includes 90% of America.
TIP 10: Avoid getting into a drunken bar brawl. You may not die, but you may suffer some broken bones.
TIP 11: Do not attempt to pilot a vehicle which you are not qualified to drive. This is very unwise.
TIP 12: Do not stand on a stormy open field. You would be playing a dangerous game.
TIP 13: Use of electrical appliances in the bath is not advised.
TIP 14: Do not challenge people to fight you irl. You will probably lose.
TIP 15: Always remember to breathe. Forgetting to breathe is silly and will result in you not reaching the age of 17.
TIP 16: Keep your fancy hipster music to a reasonable volume. Playing your fancy hipster music at 200 decibels will result in damage that will make living more difficult.
And now that I have offered such fine, generous and wise advice, I have to conclude with the ol' cliché.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU HIPSTER, YOU SNAIL MUNCHER, YOU EXTRAORDINARY DEAR FRIEND OF MINE. <3333
For bringing us a Child of Perverse Nature. He has provided us with much joy over the past Sixteen Years.
Praise be to the Stork. Praise be to Lord Helix. Thine wisdom is consummate.
We are gathered today to offer thanks for his delightful charm. Young Matthew J. Maccrash was born on the 9th of July, 1998 into a dark world. A world that was missing its talismanic hipster. It was a world that lacked last.fm. It was a world that lacked Rate Your Music Dot Com. It was a world where pitchfork.com was about farming as opposed to worshipping Hipster Legends.
As a birthday present, I have decided to offer Matt Sixteen Tips To Not Die Before He Turns Seventeen:
TIP 1: Do not walk into oncoming traffic. You will get hurt. A lot.
TIP 2: On a related note, if you see Quil driving, run. Run as fast as your hip legs can carry you.
TIP 3: Drinking cleaning products such as bleach will not help you live a long healthy life.
TIP 4: Fall damage is very dangerous. Take care to avoid being near the edge of a platform.
TIP 5: Wear protection for anything where wearing protection is advised.
TIP 6: Avoid juggling with cacti. If you were to accidentally get one in your eye, you would certainly regret it.
TIP 7: Avoid locking yourself in a freezer. You may become severely impaired.
TIP 8: Do not stand next to explosives and ignite them. Remain a safe distance from them at all times.
TIP 9: Avoid anything with a gun. That includes 90% of America.
TIP 10: Avoid getting into a drunken bar brawl. You may not die, but you may suffer some broken bones.
TIP 11: Do not attempt to pilot a vehicle which you are not qualified to drive. This is very unwise.
TIP 12: Do not stand on a stormy open field. You would be playing a dangerous game.
TIP 13: Use of electrical appliances in the bath is not advised.
TIP 14: Do not challenge people to fight you irl. You will probably lose.
TIP 15: Always remember to breathe. Forgetting to breathe is silly and will result in you not reaching the age of 17.
TIP 16: Keep your fancy hipster music to a reasonable volume. Playing your fancy hipster music at 200 decibels will result in damage that will make living more difficult.
And now that I have offered such fine, generous and wise advice, I have to conclude with the ol' cliché.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU HIPSTER, YOU SNAIL MUNCHER, YOU EXTRAORDINARY DEAR FRIEND OF MINE. <3333
