[Other Original] My First Short Story: "Hope"

[Somewhere_]

Hello! I am pretty new to this section of the forum, but I enjoy creative writing. Last year I wrote a short story (here) and quite a few poems. My usual writing consists of essays rather than storytelling, so I do not believe this story reflects my potential as a writer. In addition, I believe my writing has greatly improved recently, and as a result, I fear this story has subpar vocabulary and stylistic elements. Nevertheless, I recall being proud of this when I finished and receiving a good grade on the assignment (which did give me unwanted limitations).

I have separated the story into six short chapters and did my best to adjust the format to this medium. No worries- it is not a dense or lengthy read. I have also been debating on a name, so I just arbitrarily decided on the name "Hope." I welcome any criticism, and in fact, I encourage it! I pursue improved writing skills!

Enjoy!

Hope

Prologue

Spoiler:

Suddenly, I am in a prison cell and I look at my hanging dead body in confusion, and back away from the cell door as the prison guards storm in wearing faces of disgust. The guards walk forward- right through me- and stare at my swaying body hanging by bed sheets under the barred window. I thought I died when I killed myself… "Another suicide -- I'll go call for the warden," says one guard, and the other guard nods. As the guard walks away, I give chase, but somehow, I cannot leave the prison cell. I feel almost like I am everywhere in the room, stretching from the back wall to the front wall with the door- an omnipresent feeling.

I. Prison

Spoiler:

I have been stuck in prison for the past ten years since my death, never able to move outside the room -- located in the farthest cell down the hallway, cellblock 1-19, where only the worst of humanity is kept. This is the room where the mold builds up and the darkness collects. There is a single cot on right-hand side of the room and a toilet and sink on the left, closer to the heavy cell door. The most interesting detail is the ants crawling through the holes and cracks in the cement bricks. Nothing changes- except when an inmate leaves after years of imprisonment (most likely to be executed). The inmates never know I am here with them. I will be stuck in this never-changing, solitary cell for the rest of my life- hearing the clanging of the flap over the slit where food comes in three times a day, watching the ants mob over leftover crumbs, and witness the ever-so-slow growth of the sad mold and mildew. Only the constant dripping of water droplets from the ceiling remind me of the outside world. The water reminds me of my former life, as a free individual. Even the ants are free despite coming in and out of the cellblock. After years of pondering my fateful existence here, I have come to the conclusion that I deserve this punishment, as inconvenient as it is.

II. New Roommate

Spoiler:

I hear the shuffling of feet and muffled voices coming from the long hallway. The heavy cell door slowly creaks open with dust falling from the crack between the wall and top of the door. The guards, with their bold black uniforms, take out a gun and pistol-whip a man, pushing him into my grey cell. The man's glasses fly to the back. "Smart ass!" yells the shorter guard to the left. Surprisingly, the man is silent despite the abuse as the guards slam the door shut and briskly walk away down the dark hallway. I almost envy the man because I have not felt any physical sensation since my death, even if it would be painful like this. I wish I could taste the feeling of exertion and movement, which my existence as ghost is severely lacking. At least I think I would be considered a ghost.

I still cannot see my new friend's face, but he is skinny with somewhat long blond hair in an almost bowl-like hairstyle. It has been a few minutes since the incident and he still has not sat up- I think he is out cold from the guards' rough behavior. I have never liked those two guards because they are always condescending and over-the-top, like they think they are in a movie or something. I view them, not as the cool duo, but the jerks that always ironically die at the end of movies. Maybe someday I will have the pleasure of dying.

The man grunts as he gruelingly pushes himself up with his fists. He looks up straight in my direction and squints, as if he sees something, but he does not remain entertained and turns to grab his glasses. His body loses balance, and he falls face-first into the hard concrete. He worms his body towards his glasses, reaching his arm out and stretching to finally grab his glasses by the frames, which are surprisingly unscathed. The glasses slide onto his face perfectly as the man sits up and leans against the metal frame of the cot. His legs are out, pointing across the cell. I follow his gaze to see him staring at the lonely toilet on the left side of the room. Next his eyes look up and right to the tiny window with three steel bars -- it is tiny because the room is partially underground and the bottom of the window lines up with the dirt on the outside. He takes in a deep breath, hoping to take in the smell of the overgrown grass and soon learns the only smell available is the moldy and stale air, something I realized years ago. No rush of wind or whiff of flowers ever makes it to this room.

Every day he just sits in the same spot, only moving to grab the food that slides through the slit in the door, to sleep in the cot, or to use the toilet. He repeats the same actions day in and day out at the exact same time. When he wakes up in the morning, he methodically turns and steps to the toilet, after which he makes his bed. During every meal, he always sets down his tray beside him when he has finished his meal, with the plastic eating utensils and plates neatly organized on the try. The man always eats all of his food, but chews slowly as if he is in deep thought. Right at lights-off time, he lifts the sheet and blanket and slips into bed, always sleeping with the back of his head on the pillow and never on his side.

III. Writing on the Floor

Spoiler:

It has been about two weeks, and stubble has finally grown on his face. The odd man is not very hairy at all. However, despite this period of time, I still have not figured out his crime, or anything about him at all because he seems totally stoic and emotionless. Usually inmates stomp around for a week or so, then sit and think after the occasional punch to the wall. Sometimes, like the last inmate, they savagely assault the prison guards. A month in and they have usually accepted their crime and fate, but never has anyone acted like my new roommate.

"I have been thinking… why have you been watching me?" says a calm and monotone, but young-sounding voice. My roommate is looking straight at me. Finally I can tell what age he exactly is -- he is definitely in his late teens and not in his early twenties, most likely eighteen or nineteen. This is the first time anyone has ever spoken to me since the day I committed suicide. Inmates have spoken to themselves, but never to me. In fact, no one has ever even been aware of me (not even the security guards).

"I have a life sentence and I am very patient, so you can wait to respond." I do not know how to react. As far as I know, I cannot communicate in any way. Then again, I have only tried speaking, but no one can hear me. Or they are simply ignoring my yells, but this is irrational – who would ever just ignore a ghost attempting to speak to them? My only senses are sight, hearing, and smelling. The pile of ants below me begin to move as one.

"I have a list of questions to ask you. Would you like me to say them or etch them into the wall? I smuggled in a sharp stone. Those security guards are incredibly dumb." The ants, now in a line, march from my corner (back left) to the center of the room. I enjoy watching the ants, especially when there is no inmate with me.

Suddenly there is the jingling of keys and guards come in to grab my new roommate. I wonder if he is going to get executed, but he said he has a life sentence. I guess he may be doing some work project like street cleaning, but to be in this cell, he must have done something really bad, so I doubt that.

Soon enough I hear footsteps and an angry voice saying something that sounds like "smart ass." The door opens with the blond man sneering and the guards shoving him to back into my jail cell. He laughs and exclaims, "Those guards made another mistake. They must be the dumbest mongrels on..." My cellmate cuts his sentence short as he throws his back against the metal door. With a frantic look in his eyes, he stands in awe.

This is the first time I have seen him display any sort of emotion, but I look over on the ground to see the ants in a shape. The ants spell "HELLO" and reshape to form "MY-NAME." His jaw drops, but his face changes from surprise to excitement as the ants spell "IS-NICOLAS." His face shifts back to his emotionless self as he responds, "My name is Luke. Nice to meet you."

IV. The Crime

Spoiler:

I am ecstatic- never have I ever been able to communicate with anyone since my death. However, I do not understand this phenomenon because, somehow, it feels out of my control. "How do you exist?" asks Luke, who appears to have calmed down since the guards first left, "non-material beings cannot exist. I guess there is no use in refuting this empirical evidence that ghosts or something of the sort – whatever you are – do exist." The ants spell out "WHAT-DID-YOU-DO?"

Luke, taking a deep breath, begins to explain his story; "I was a lab assistant at the local university for my professor, who was researching lung cancer. After the professor would leave for the day, I would clean up and shut down the laboratory for him, as well as make any preparations for the next days' work. However, in reality, I was also slowly stealing lab materials and bringing them home. At home, after my studies, I began to concoct a gas to cure the patients without the professor's knowledge. After reproducing the gas, as part of experiments, I would have the patients breath in the gas when the patients would wait for the professor to call them into his room. In just a few short weeks of biweekly intake of the gas, the patients' lungs had completely collapsed, and the night that each died, it took many hours of heart-wrenching pain and coughing blood all over before he or she would die. In total, probably around thirty patients died, but it was for a good cause- if I had more time, I would have saved more people with my gas. I am lucky to have a good lawyer so I could avoid the death penalty. Regardless, I assume your crime is worse than mine to receive this kind of punishment."

"I-BETRAYED-MY-FAMILY"
"I-WAS-FALSELY-ACCUSED-OF-MURDER-AND-PLACED-IN-HERE"
"IN-HOPELESSNESS-I-HUNG-MYSELF-WITH-A-ROPE"
"JUST-BEFORE-THE-GUARDS-CAME-IN-TO-LET-ME-FREE"
"I-LEFT-MY-FAMILY-ALONE"
"MY-KIDS-WITHOUT-A-FATHER"

Luke takes a deep long breath, almost like a sigh, before replying: "That is unfortunate." I am not surprised at his remark- being as emotionless as he is, Luke would also not be empathetic. However, despite this shortcoming, for the first time in ten years I can relay my sentiments to someone else. It is almost like I am reminded of being human again because for the longest time I have just been… there- an insignificant observer. I think I am experiencing joy. The ants rush to form another sentence in a very orderly fashion, like they are following a master architect. They are surprisingly quick, and only in a few moments, spell:

"WOULD-YOU-CHANGE-YOUR-ACTIONS-IF-YOU-HAD-THE-CHANCE?"

Luke responds, "I do not regret administering the gas to the patients because he few deaths would be far outweighed by the greater number of lives saved. Had I gotten the chance, I would have worked to improve the concoction to actually work. How about you?"

As the ants begin shifting around the cement floor, I hear faint laughter and footsteps growing more and more quiet. I wonder who was just outside our cell.

"VERY-MUCH-SO"
"I-COULD-HAVE-FINISHED-RAISING-MY-KIDS"
"BUT-NOW-I-CANNOT-SEE-THEM-EVER-AGAIN"
"I-WISH"

With a loud thud, the door swings open and the two guards storm into the cellblock. They carry grins on their faces and cover their noses with hand towels. Using their other hand, both lifted large cans and spray. A cloud of gas blankets the floor as the ants scurry for cover to no avail. This is the end of my humanity.

Alternative Ending

Spoiler:

With a loud thud, the door swings open and the two guards storm into the cellblock. They carry grins on their faces and cover their noses with hand towels. Using their other hand, both lifted large cans and spray. A cloud of gas blankets the floor as the ants scurry for cover to no avail. This is the end of my humanity.






There are always other ants.

 

[icomeanon6]

I have two very different reactions to your story depending on whether the alternate ending counts. First, let's suppose it doesn't:

You express some worry about your vocabulary and style, but on the whole I think it's okay. The main potential issue is that you include a lot of detail that is of little relevance or effect, for example which side the shorter guard is standing on. Fortunately, the sum effect of all the little details is appropriate for a narrator who's been trapped in the same room for years. It works best in the last paragraph of part II, where we get a genuine feeling for the cold, clinical monotony of the roommate's new life. For future stories, though, be sure to watch out for over-description as usually it's a liability rather than an asset. The important thing is to be deliberate about how much detail you include and how you intend it to impact the tone and story.

Here are two little stylistic things you might want to fix, though:

He takes in a deep breath, hoping to take in the smell of the overgrown grass[...]

Having "take(s) in" twice in a row doesn't read well unless there's a reason for it.

During every meal, he always sets down his tray beside him when he has finished his meal, with the plastic eating utensils and plates neatly organized on the try.

Each individual part of this sentence appears to make sense, but they don't work well together. The sentence starts with "During every meal," but nothing in the rest of the sentence describes what happens during the meal, only after. "Tray" shows up twice in an awkward way (second time misspelled, I just noticed), and this is a sign that you might be using up too much real estate with the sentence. Here's how you might reorganize things: "When he has finished his meal he always sets down his tray beside him with the plastic eating utensils and plates neatly organized on top." Notice there's only one description for when the action takes place, and the action itself has been consolidated into one clause.

There are some other little things and typos I spotted, but I'll leave you to find them. And since you said you wrote this for school last year, pardon me if you don't need these lessons anymore.

As for the "true" ending if we want to call it that--I think it's too abrupt. The main questions we have about the narrator and the roommate are answered, but their stories don't really go anywhere from there. It'd be one thing if there were burning questions still unanswered when the guards came in so that the reader feels more frustration at the injustice of it all. It might also have helped if there had been even a small prior hint that the ending was coming so the reader feels like they should have foreseen it. As it stands though the ending feels more accidental than deliberate. I had to wonder if this is where you really meant to end the story or if you were running up on the assignment deadline.

Anyway, that's how I feel about the "true" ending. Here's how I feel about the "alternative" ending (usually called "alternate," but whatever):

It's hilarious, and I love it. I literally lol'd, and I'm still grinning over it. First you see the original ending, then those extra line breaks, and then a punchline where you didn't think there'd be a punchline. I seriously love how you turned an ostensibly serious story into a stealth set-up for a joke. It works so well because you play the original ending so straight that it doesn't occur to the reader right away that there are in fact other ants. It also took away one of my original complaints which was that you didn't really need the chapter delineations and the spoiler tags when the chapters were this short; but now I don't think it'd be as funny without them.

On that note, I'd like to say welcome to FF&W! Hope to see more of your stuff here.

 

[Somewhere_]

I have two very different reactions to your story depending on whether the alternate ending counts. First, let's suppose it doesn't:

You express some worry about your vocabulary and style, but on the whole I think it's okay. The main potential issue is that you include a lot of detail that is of little relevance or effect, for example which side the shorter guard is standing on. Fortunately, the sum effect of all the little details is appropriate for a narrator who's been trapped in the same room for years. It works best in the last paragraph of part II, where we get a genuine feeling for the cold, clinical monotony of the roommate's new life. For future stories, though, be sure to watch out for over-description as usually it's a liability rather than an asset. The important thing is to be deliberate about how much detail you include and how you intend it to impact the tone and story.

As for the "true" ending if we want to call it that--I think it's too abrupt. The main questions we have about the narrator and the roommate are answered, but their stories don't really go anywhere from there. It'd be one thing if there were burning questions still unanswered when the guards came in so that the reader feels more frustration at the injustice of it all. It might also have helped if there had been even a small prior hint that the ending was coming so the reader feels like they should have foreseen it. As it stands though the ending feels more accidental than deliberate. I had to wonder if this is where you really meant to end the story or if you were running up on the assignment deadline.

Anyway, that's how I feel about the "true" ending. Here's how I feel about the "alternative" ending (usually called "alternate," but whatever):

It's hilarious, and I love it. I literally lol'd, and I'm still grinning over it. First you see the original ending, then those extra line breaks, and then a punchline where you didn't think there'd be a punchline. I seriously love how you turned an ostensibly serious story into a stealth set-up for a joke. It works so well because you play the original ending so straight that it doesn't occur to the reader right away that there are in fact other ants. It also took away one of my original complaints which was that you didn't really need the chapter delineations and the spoiler tags when the chapters were this short; but now I don't think it'd be as funny without them.

On that note, I'd like to say welcome to FF&W! Hope to see more of your stuff here.

Thank you for the criticism!!!

To address the grammatical and spelling mistakes- I have corrected them in my writing. In particular that parallelism and mistake that was so apparent in the sentence you quoted haha. I shudder reading it now. xD I always make sure to have sentence and word-choice variety in my essays.

The emphasis on description was intentional to highlight the narrator's situation and environment. It made sense that he would have a comprehensive understanding and image of the room and guards he sees everyday. I also thought it was a good element to add to the story, which I am now aware is undesirable.

The ending was intentionally abrupt because of the assignment's length limitations, though I did want the story to be extended a bit. If you know me, I can writing is fairly irrepressible... I can write forever without ceasing. More recently I have learned to be significantly more concise and to the point (again, I write a lot of essays). However, for the sake of the story, an increase page count would have been optimal. How do I hint at an upcoming ending?

Thank you for the compliment on the alternate ending! I originally was not going to add the alternate ending because I like "bad" endings, but I am glad I did!

Now that I am reflecting more on the original ending, I was worried it was too comical for the serious story. Since when do prison guards deliberately spray pesticide throughout an entire cell for the purpose of screwing with the prisoners? You would think hatred for the prisoners would manifest in other ways. I know I did reference some brutality, but that is so inconsequential compared to an actual beating.

 

[Esper]

I will be stuck in this never-changing, solitary cell for the rest of my life- hearing the clanging of the flap over the slit where food comes in three times a day, watching the ants mob over leftover crumbs, and witness the ever-so-slow growth of the sad mold and mildew. Only the constant dripping of water droplets from the ceiling remind me of the outside world.

This is some good imagery here. Sights and sounds that show what it's like inside. There are other good parts, good use of imagery like the man hoping to smell the grass and flowers is another.

Overall good. Some of the more narrative sentences feel a little cumbersome. This--

I wish I could taste the feeling of exertion and movement, which my existence as ghost is severely lacking.

is fine. But the following sentence--

At least I think I would be considered a ghost.

feels like it has too many qualifiers, that is "I think" and "be considered" together feel a little redundant. I don't want to belabor the grammar points though so I'll just end by saying that it's over pretty tightly written, not meandering. Nothing feels extraneous. All of it goes to help describe the two characters' struggles, which seems to be the main theme. I would have liked to see more imagery. Sometimes it feels a little too cerebral, that is, more "telling", less "showing", but it's fine for a school piece, I think. The ending feels abrupt, not that the events can't happen suddenly, but we only get a quick few lines of what happens and little aftermath so it feels a little like it's cut off suddenly without enough payoff.

If you like the piece perhaps you could try rewriting it if you think you've improved since you wrote it. Just as an exercise, perhaps, even if you don't ever show it to anyone.

 

[Aisu]

I actually don't have any major criticisms, at least nothing stuck out to me so grandly. Iconmeanon already said the one thing I noticed at first -- too much extraneous detail -- but other than that... Nicolas said earlier that he'd be stuck in that cell hearing the food flap clanging and watching the ants mob the crumbs. Does he mean his cell? because he's dead; the guards wouldn't still be dropping trays in there. Or does he mean the others' cells? because I assumed that, being in the eliteassofcrime cell, and from some details in the story that it doesn't have bars; just a metal door.

 

[Nah]

I'm not a writer, but I do agree with Esper that there's a few moments where you're "telling, not showing", and as I understand it you generally want to avoid doing the former, it kinda reads better that way. One bit that stood out to me as an example of this was:

Next his eyes look up and right to the tiny window with three steel bars -- it is tiny because the room is partially underground and the bottom of the window lines up with the dirt on the outside.

The bolded part is very tell-y, but fuck if I know how to write it better. It's also probably just me, but using "then" instead of "next" at the beginning of the sentence sounds slightly better to me.

As for the alternate ending, I'm not sure why it needs to be an alternate ending when it's just one extra sentence, and one that imo is better to include than to not, especially considering the (tentative) title.

Still, it's pretty good though and I very much like the use of the ants as Nicolas's form of communication.