Rescue Team: Silver Dollar (PG-13, Violence, Romance, Drama, and Adult Situations)

[Pinhead]

excellent and well done ^_^. I can't wait for next weeks post.

 

[Astinus]

Okay, this thread's getting to be rather spammy. A couple of these posts could have been done over visitor messages or PMs. And the one-line reviews and "we want new chapter now" posts are against the rules.

Rather than close Nikko's thread and punish him, I'm going to start handing out infractions/warnings to people who continue to post one-line reviews. I'm sure Nikko wants to know why you like his story so he can continue to write that way, so point that out to him the next time a chapter is posted.

Because you're all pretty much breaking the rules, and it needs to stop. This is the last "unofficial" warning.

 

[Ninja Caterpie]

...
Nikko...
Press Enter twice when a new person speaks:
So... it would be:

"[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]Eek!", thought Buneary as she let go of Riolu and jumped out of bed. "He's not awake is he?", she thought. Fortunately for her, he didn't find out, he actually was sleeping very deeply. She fixed herself up, trying not to imply she was "accidentally" sleeping with Riolu, and then nudged him slightly.

"Hey, sleepy head! Good morning!", she said with a giggle as she woke Riolu up.

"W-wha- Oh! Buneary! Are we there?"

"Yup, get out of bed so we can go to the Guild. Isn't that what we came here for?"

"Yeah. I'm getting up." Riolu jumped out of bed, grabbing his bag. Then, the two jumped out of the train.[/FONT]

Much neater and stuff.

Storyline's a bit WTF-ish.
I mean, seriously. You just meet someone who has stuff in commmon with you can you're madly in love. And since when did near-strangers sleep in the same bed, even if they did love each other? I'm...preeetty damn sure I still don't wanna sleep with my...uh...*cough* friend.

You should slow down the pace and, well, write more realistically.

Also, "Spring Landmass" is just...funny sounding.

Well...other than that, it was pretty good.
Good luck with it and sorry if I sounded mean.

 

[Nikko.Ideator]

...
Nikko...
Press Enter twice when a new person speaks:
So... it would be:
Much neater and stuff.

Storyline's a bit WTF-ish.
I mean, seriously. You just meet someone who has stuff in commmon with you can you're madly in love. And since when did near-strangers sleep in the same bed, even if they did love each other? I'm...preeetty damn sure I still don't wanna sleep with my...uh...*cough* friend.

You should slow down the pace and, well, write more realistically.

Also, "Spring Landmass" is just...funny sounding.

Well...other than that, it was pretty good.
Good luck with it and sorry if I sounded mean.

Okay, thanks for some CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. And it's just a complex thing they're going through.

 

[bobandbill]

Ok, firstly, a piece of advice - slow down. Generally, it's advised to have chapter updates every week minimum, instead of rushing your work and getting it out within a day or so. It's kinda an unwritten rule of writing fanfics, to leave some time between each chapter. Firstly it lets readers who aren't on all that frequently or have other things to do more time to catch up, and also let's you spend more time in editing and improving your work. Many an established author take months to get chapters out! So my advice is to make sure you don't rush your work. Keeping readers waiting isn't such a bad thing. But really - don't just release a chapter because the readers demand it - go over it carefully first. This is a very important thing to do.

Now, to the review... chapter one:

Riolu slept unsteady that night. The Autumn Continent was not the safe, happy place he used to know. There was a murder last night, and it was not the first that week, or even month. It was only Tuesday, and there were already two murders. There were about 40 that month, but most of them took place in the second week, in the quiet, rural country of South Autumn Continent. Finally, the sun rose outside, so Riolu awoke. He walked over to the stream to bathe, and headed to his mailbox to see if any news came last night. As soon as he reached the mailbox, he noticed Delibird, the local delivery boy, putting the mail into it.

This, for me, is rather too simplistic. You could again expand upon this some more, and use some more description. Also, the sentence structure could use some more variation as well.

"Oh, hello, Delibird. Did you hear about the-" "Yes. Unfortunately, it was a very near and dear friend to me. I hope they catch that damn criminal." "I'm sorry for your loss.", said Riolu, "That's OK. You'd better read the newspaper. This one's disturbing." "Another one?" Asked Riolu, shocked. "They're planning on evacuating South Autumn, it's that bad, I already established a safe house on the hills, the murderer will never find me there. I suggest you high-tail it out of here too. The times are horrible." "I can't leave this place. It was my home since my parents died." "Well, I can't make you. But I highly suggest it. Good day to you, Riolu."

For the sake of it, this sums it up well:

Press Enter twice when a new person speaks!

Very important, that. It's firstly a general rule of writing to do so, and much easier on the eyes as well. Reading off a computer screen when everyone is talking in one paragraph isn't very nice, and also makes it hard to keep track of who is saying what either.
Anyways - mistakes there: your loss," said Riolu, no capital 'A' there for asked, and the italiced sentence is awfully run-on. People wouldn't talk like that, would they?
Also - add more to how they are being said. Once you mentioned it was shocked, but other then that, we don't see the character's reactions all that much, any emotion which they show as well.

Riolu took the newspaper, and placed it on the table indoors. There was an article, apparently a murder story, that was heavily emphasized by the "HEADLINE NEWS!" bubbles everywhere, so Riolu opened to it. "Last night, a teenage Monferno was found dead on Autumna Avenue. It was believed that he may have died due to illegal substances found in his autopsy, but it was later found that his heart was missing, 99.99% confirmed that it was cut out. This definitely seems our notorious "Killer's" style, so this will be under investigation." And the article continued, but Riolu did not want to read on.

'Apparently a murder story' sounds a bit like you saying that, and breaks the fourth wall a bit - try to avoid it.
Now then, why the 99.99% fact there? 99.99% of who decided this? Why not 99%, is it not as trustworthy and would the Riolu have dismissed it then? Why the 0.01% there? Basically - a figure which seems out of place and unnecessary.

Riolu closed the newspaper, with a blank shock on his face. Re realized it now. Autumna is only a few blocks down. That settles it. Riolu must leave. He packed a nap-sack, containing food, hiking supplies, money, and cloth, then he set off. When he was outside, Riolu looked back at his house, the one he learned to love so much. A tear came from his eye, but he ran from the house. He didn't even bother looking back, that would make it harder. He knew where he must go.

Some respose and emotion there now, but again, too simple. You could still do some more showing as opposed to telling.
He took cloth with him? Um...
The sentence structure though is the main thing here. It's way too simple and repetitive. Riolu did this. He realized this. Riolu did this. Then he did that... that's what it feels like, no offence. You need to add more atmosphere and realism to the writing, make us feel that we are there, rather then say 'then he did that. Riolu now felt this and that, then he went off'. Look at some other stories around here first, and see how they do it.

When Riolu was a boy, his family fell in a pitfall trap, The trap was full of rampaging Donphan. His parents died before his eyes, and he knew he was next. Riolu held on for his life, but then a miracle occurred! Suddenly, a Wartortle appeared above, followed by many powerful-looking Pokemon. It was the Guild. The Wartortle Guild was the greatest, most elite force of Rescue Teams in the Four Continents. Wartortle jumped down, shielding Riolu with it's powerful shell, then shooting blasts of water at the rampaging elephants. They all went flying, and soon, the pit was empty for everyone but Wartortle and Riolu.

That comma after 'pitfall trap' needs to be a full stop. Its, not it's or it is.
But... what? What? That is very sudden there. A flashback from left field, there. And very random. His parent died because they fell in a Pitfall trap... which happened to have had rampaging Dophan in it. And a Wartortle from out of nowhere had saved him single-handly. What? For one it seems unrealistic and though up without any consideration to it, and two it was presented badly. It suddenly happen just like that in the middle of the chapter, and it was confusing. Riolu held on for his life... that's just lazy there - we don't see how the Donphans attacked, nor why and also, if Lucarios (assuming those where what his parents were) had been killed, how the heck did the Riolu survive? It does seem like a miracle, but such events lead to Gary-stu like characters - beware such things.
It's just got too many questions rising from it, for me.

Overall, that chapter could have been much better then what it was, if you expanded upon this. A fair lot of telling on what was done, and little character reaction in the dialogue and to the deaths - it could be expanded upon far more than what it was. Points however for a Delibird as the postman. Things do happen rather quickly without much else in how they happened and all - focus on that aspect more as that's what make the events more interesting - having us the readers see and experience the events, rather then just find out what happened, and not how.

Riolu walked toward Autumna Square, a once bustling square full of emotion, shops, performers, and Pokemon. But it no longer was that. Since the murders, people have left. This once bustling town, with it's beautiful gold paving, and adobe hut and shop around every corner, was becoming a ghost town before Riolu's eyes. It was funny, going to the square, the square where he went his whole life, with the possibility of never returning there. He wiped a tear from his eye. Riolu knew this was a life-or-death situation, and he had go to the Wartortle Guild for protection, or he won't even be alive to see the square again. Autumna Square was one of the towns that used the Underground Train System of the Four Continents. Since the Wartortle Guild was in Elm Valley, he could be there via train in less than half an hour, instead of the four day hike. He could not afford to be on the mountains alone at night.

Again, its, not it's, which is an abbreviation for it is.
This paragraph in itself wasn't so bad though, could us a bit more but a step up from the previous chapter IMO.

Riolu walked down the staircase to the dark underground cavern, where the long, shiny metal trains left and came every five minutes. He was very lucky. The train to Elm Valley came right away., as in as soon as he walked in. Usually, it took Riolu half an hour just to wait for his train to arrive. He got on, and took a seat in the very rear cart of the train. After about three minutes, the last passenger got on the train. It was a Buneary, and her family, consisting of her, a Machoke, and a mean, drunk-looking Lopunny, But the Buneary accompanying this family was no ordinary Buneary. This Buneary had a big, puffy coat of pink fur, unusual enough for it's species, but it also glowed brightly.

Mistakes in bold.
The first part of this paragraph could be made more interesting. See, you tell it like this - 'Trains came every five minutes. Riolu was very luck. His train came right away. Usually this was not the case'. Now that's not so bad, but it's very blocky.
'Here is a fact. Riolu was lucky. This happened. Usually this did not happen.'
Instead, try to make it flow better, and don't be afraid to merge a couple of sentences here and there. That I leave up to you, but by doing so you change up the sentence length and structure, as well as make it more interesting. Incorporate some more description or the such in between as well.

"Odd.", Riolu thought. "I've never seen a Pokemon like that before."

Keep quotation marks for dialogue only, rather than thoughts as well, as they aren't actually being said.

The Buneary seemed upset with it's family. A few seconds later, a conversation broke out explaining exactly why. "I told you, you little brat! You are going to this guild, so you can spare this perfect family the shame of your disgusting, pink fur!", said the Lopunny, which was apparently the Pokemon's mother, judging by her voice and appearence. "Mom! We're a family! You can't just tell me off like that!", Buneary cried. "We're not family! You're a freak! You're a shame to the natural ways of the Buneary Family! Don't you dare, EVER, call yourself one of our family!", exclaimed the Lopunny at the poor pre-adolescent Pokemon. "Grr! Well, I'm glad you're not my family! If you're ever face-to-face with that stupid murderer, don't call on my team for help!", said Buneary angrily, as she ran away from the Lopunny, her hands covering her teary eyes, towards the rear of the train.

Again, hit the enter button more often - go back over these chapters and do just that.
Some family dispute, interesting that the shiny Pokemon is disliked (reminds me of a story I did with a similar idea). This was ok, and also no need to have commas after quotation marks - I'll suggest looking at DarkPersian's grammar guide around here, that explains these things rather well.

The Lopunny that were on the train realized the train was about to board, so they walked off the train with a "good riddance" look on their face. It was so obvious, it was almost like the words "good riddance" were written on their face with magic marker or something. Buneary walked up to Riolu, who was sitting in his seat, reading today's issue of "The Pokemon Times". "E-excuse me. Every other spot is full. You mind if I sit here?", asked Buneary. "Not at all", Riolu said. Buneary smiled, and plopped down on the seat beside him. "I'm Riolu", said Riolu in a calm, friendly tone. "Buneary", said the small pink rabbit Pokemon. They extended out their hands, and shook. "So, where are you headed?", asked Riolu. "I'm heading to Wartortle Guild. It was always my dream to join or start a Rescue Team, plus the area around here has been dangerous lately, so I got out.", lied Buneary. She had a bit different of a reason for leaving, but she wasn't in a position to tell a stranger, it was too complicated.

The first bolded part, you are repeating yourself. 'Good riddance' used twice, and the tone of that remark, especially with the 'or something' bit at the end again breaks the fourth wall - reminds us this is a story and takes us out of it.
Again, quotation marks for dialogue only.
And the last part - that's telling, right there. You could have showed us this instead, for instance, with the Buneary giving a sigh or doing something that hints that that may not be the true story. Telling us gives away now the fact that there is something up, as opposed to having us thinking 'is there more to this? I wonder...', which would make the story more interesting.

"Hey! Me too!", said Riolu, surprised. He paused for a second, trying to think of something to say, so the conversation could carry on without that award silence. "If you don't mind me asking, why do you have the-" "Pink fur? It's a rare gene of mine. The experts call it "Shining Phenomenon". It makes my fur glow a different color from the other Buneary. I think it's kind of cool, but my family thinks a bit differently. They sent me to Boarding School as soon as I hatched, and then when I got back, they mistreated me, and sent me on my own." Buneary was actually beginning to trust this Riolu character. For some reason, she felt a bit of a connection to him, almost like she could talk to him comfortably and casually, like to a close friend. Riolu felt the same. It was a feeling the two have never felt before, but they sort of liked it.

Again - new line for each new person speaking.

"That's cool! So you're a shiny, then! That's awesome! I heard that a Riolu's coat was gold when it's shiny.", said Riolu. After the train departed, the two talked on. They became very close to each other, telling each other everything. After a while, they became good friends.

Good friends that quickly? Also, why tell us that - show us! A small smile here, or the such, would tell us the same thing, but make it more interesting and more like a story. Don't tell us how these two Pokemon's suddenly became friends - progress things more gradually. Don't rush.

"Well, what will we do then?", Riolu asked, now as if he was demanding answers. "It's dangerous down here." "I-k-know what to do.", said the conductor. The three walked outside, toward the first cart. "Attention, everyone, there is an outside force somewhere that stopped the train. As of now, we need someone to go out and explore the tunnel. Any volunteers?" All the Pokemon slowly moved down, afraid of the dark tunnels outside. Riolu perked up. "Hey, I can do it. I used to work in a mine, and work on trains. I could just find the problem, and fix the train, easily.", Riolu said. "I'll come, too", Buneary said. "Well, then you'll need these flash lights.", the conductor said, beginning to gain confidence. He handed them the small lighting devices, and they headed out.

Again, read DarkPersian's grammar guide, as consistently you make the same mistakes regarding punctuation in dialogue.
Now, who or what is the conductor? Only 'the conducter', but we don't know what he looks like. You can incorporate some description of him when say, you say that be begins to gain confidence. But how does he gain confidence - stand up straighter? Speak clearer. And I question him palming off the job to the passengers (really doubt that's standard protocol of any self-respecting transportation company - primary concern would be to the well-being of the passengers and all), who only too happily go out and do just so... again, watch for your characters not saving the day all the time and all.

And what's with Riolu suddenly saying that he used to work in a mine and on a train? What? Again from left field - for such things you need to set them up well beforehand. It would go some way to explaining why his parents had fallen into a pitfall (although not why there were Donphan there as well) for instance - why not before then, or during then, to add far more to his backstory? - and would establish such facts more convincingly. As it is it isn't convincing - just seemingly put in there to explain away why Riolu would go into the mines. (I also question why would a Riolu - a baby Pokemon, would already have gone to work and all... but then again this is in the MD Pokemon universe...). You need to think out your events earlier and in more detail, and set them up some more. That's why I said don't rush the chapters - give more though to them instead, make them as good as they can, and make sure there are no questions that can arise from them.

"It sure is dark in here. You OK?", said Riolu to Buneary. "Y-yeah. I'm fine. J-j-just a bit...scared." "Well, don't worry, I'm here to protect you. I won't let anything happen to you." Riolu began to understand the awkwardness of what he just said. He noticed Buneary felt more reassured by the words, but why did he feel the obligation to say this? It almost seemed to him that he...felt something for her. He couldn't understand this feeling, but she was very important to him for some reason. "Well, that makes me feel better to hear.", said Buneary, beginning to perk up.

I was worried about this. Think about it - it's not often that people who feel for each other like that in one train ride, let alone two Pokemon of differing species (but then again, I wouldn't know XD). But basically - such things happen way too quickly. It's unrealistic - this needs some major rethinking on your part. And looking at what happened in the next chapter... ok, now that's way too fast! I mean, really. I have nothing against a bit of romance, but it needs to unfold over time, happen slowly, not 'oh hi, your name? Let's go explore the mines and save the day! let's now sleep in the same bed-' no no no no no no no! WAY too quick. And don't say that 'it's just a complex thing they're going through'. Doesn't cut it, nor change the unrealistic relationship and all. Such things hurt the story, and only thing that will fix it is heavy editing and rethinking, simple as that.

Also - it's not even surprising. Why? Because of the character bios! Already, with that, you've revealed a lot of the minor plot points, making it more a confirmation of what we know, rather than something new we need to take it. It's your choice on whether to leave it in or not, but it really doesn't help such matters.

Suddenly, Buneary fell from a ledge, which turned out to be a giant pit in the ground.

Another one? I would have thought the railway system would have been maintained... at least there were no Donphans in this one.

He turned around, and there stood a huge Electivire, standing over six feet tall, looking angry. Buneary and Riolu were so scared, they couldn't scream.
The angry Pokemon stood for a second, and then went into its rage. "This Electivire must have been the Pokemon that stopped the train!", exclaimed Riolu.

...just an angry Electivire. I question why it is so angry and all... and what 'went into its rage' looks like. Describe things more, including the Electivire. We know it was big... and angry... but not what it is doing, how angry it looks (sparks flying off of it, for instance?) Make more from it, make it more interesting. Description is your friend.

"Well, we'd better fight, if we want to get back to tell the tale!", cried Buneary. "Brick Break!", yelled Riolu as he chopped the beast with it's powerful hand. Electivire appeared to take no damage, but just get angry. "It's no use! Our attacks won't work on it! We'll just have to try and figure some other way to beat it!", cried Riolu.

Why did he have to shout 'Brick Break'? And besides the fact that it should be its again, instead of it's - Riolu's hand is it now? Think you mean his there.

Appeared to take no damage - don't say it - show it! Same for him getting angry.

"RWOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAARRR!!!", cried the beast, as he blasted an electric blow straight at Riolu. Buneary immediately jumped in front of him, shielding him from the attack. She went flying backwards.

Finally you showed some action from the Electivire, but... did he need to shout so loudly in caps? A bit overdone, and looks unprofessional to have the shout presented like that, Again, sentence structure as well - '"*insert shout here*" said Electivire as he attacked. Buneary jumped in front of Riolu. Buneary was sent flying' - too simplistic. You need to change it up some more.

That's enough for now. Have other things that need doing.
All in all, no offense, but you do need to think your story through some more. A number of the events seem ill-thought out and leave questions plotholes around. There is still a lack of description and you tell too much, plus the sentence structure needs to be worked upon. There are also a fair few mistakes in there as well. I feel a lot of this arose from rushed writing, given some quick chapter updates there - you NEED to take the time to improve on the writing before you release it. For although there ARE positives to take from it and all, it really could be improved upon, and will not give any of the major well written fics a run for their money just yet.

My advice - read other stories, read that guide (and others too, like the fanfic writing guide), and learn from them. See how they develop things, describe things, draw you into the story. Maybe look for a beta in the Beta thread - a mentor to help you with your fic and your writing? And don't rush things. Slow down how quickly you write, and the events within the writing as well.

You may want to go over the fic and fix things up. I'd advise it, but your choice. For it could be better then what it is.

 

[Nikko.Ideator]

Sorry guys, my stupid friend, who I trusted with my password to watch my account on vacation (We used to share it), tried to leave a stupid message saying I'm leaving and quitting the forums, but I'm really not. Just spending less time on them. Don't think I'm gone. However, I think I'll quit writing. I have too much stuff going on, and I write books for language. The fanfic format is so...wierd... Maybe I can learn it, and try again, but with another concept.

Plus, Queen rocks! Another One Bites the Dust, yeah! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!