Tell a joke

[string555]

Or a few. You know the deal, try to keep it PG, or at least PG-13. :P

Spoiler:

I had a pet parrot, and it talked.
But it didn't say it was hungry, so it died. X_X

Spoiler:

So Joe, Bob, and Larry went in for a job interview. Joe got called in first. The potential employer said to him "In this job, observation skills are crucial. I want you to make an observation about me". Joe looks at him, and says "That's easy, you don't have any psyducking ears!".

"GET OUT!"

Bob gets called in next, and the employer says to him "In this job, observation skills are crucial. I want you to make an observation about me". Bob looks at him and says "That's easy boss, you don't have any psyducking ears!"

"GET OUT!"

When Bob came out, he warned Larry: "The boss doesn't have any ears, but don't go saying anything about them, he's sensitive to it.". Larry nods, then goes in. The employer says to him "In this job, observation skills are crucial. I want you to make an observation about me". Larry pauses, looks at him for a minute, then says "You have contacts". The boss says "That's a very astute observation, how did you know?". Larry says "That's easy boss... How could you wear glasses, you don't have any psyducking ears!"

"GET OUT!!!"

:P

Spoiler:

Waiter, what is this fly doing in my soup?

It appears to be doing the backstroke, sir. :3

Spoiler:

I was talking to this really cute 12yo girl online, and the other day she told me she's an undercover cop.

That's pretty cool for someone her age, huh? :D

Spoiler:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Spoiler:

Because it was stuck to my shoe! :P

 

[Her]

Sorry but as the apparent fun police I have to infract anyone who posts in this thread

 

[Honest]

Sorry but as the apparent fun police I have to infract anyone who posts in this thread

Dare ya

 

[Somewhere_]

Sorry but as the apparent fun police I have to infract anyone who posts in this thread

lets universalize this statement

*Her infracts self*

 

[Esper]

What's brown and sticky?

Spoiler:

A stick

 

[string555]

Sorry but as the apparent fun police I have to infract anyone who posts in this thread

Bring it on, poonshka mod and your android 18 avatar...

Escalators can never break down, they can only become stairs. You will never see an 'Escalator: Temporarily out of service' sign, you will only see 'Escalator: Temporarily stairs, sorry for the convenience' signs.

What does an ant have while waiting for something?

Spoiler:

ANTicipation. Enh? Enh?? :D

 

[string555]

I don't care if nobody else posts, I'mma post anyways...

So Her walks into a bar. She sits down and talks with the bartender. A while later, she pulls out some stool softener and takes it. The bartender asks "Constipation problem, huh?". Her says "No, this seats just uncomfortable.".

:D

 

[Trainer 766]

There's an easy way to identity the gender of an ant without assuming it. Simply kill an ant and put it in a glass of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. And if it floats,

Spoiler:

it's a boy ant.

 

[Phantom1]

It's Dark In Here (PG13 at least)

Spoiler:

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

One day, her 9-year-old son who been going through his dad's things on his day off from school, hides in the closet during one of her romps when she came home. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet, where the son is still hiding.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.

Boy - "It's dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"

 

[Cool_Porygon]

A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beverage.
The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

 

[VoltYellow]

Not sure if you guys haven't seen this joke or heard bout it before. Have fun

Spoiler:

Mike: I heard that you failed in English Ryan...
Ryan: Who telled you that I failed? It is Unpossible
I saw the results yesterday and I passed away
Mike: Okay... Bye
Ryan: Bye Bye and may God blast you

 

[Zeffy]

no

 

[Aether★]

Spoiler:

Boy: Dad, I bring grave news, I got an F in math, also our teacher wants to see you.
Dad: What?! Why?!
Boy: The teacher asked me what 8x4 was, I answered 32, then asked me what 4x8 was...
Dad: What's the fucking difference?
Boy: That's what i said...

xd

 

[VoltYellow]

no

Best Answer! :gav:

 

[Sirfetch’d]

anti arena trap ban people

 

[string555]

Well, there's that sort of rule in comedy that if you make fun of others, you should really make fun of yourself. So, since I made fun of Her, here it goes:

Spoiler:

So Her dies and goes to heaven (Not the joke :P). When up there, she notices all these floating clocks around. Upon closer inspection, she sees they all have names on them. There was Aether's clock, moving slowly, there was Volty Shock's, moving at a normal pace, and there was Phantom's, barely moving at all. Her asked one of the nearby angels, "What's the deal with these clocks?"

The angel answered, "Each time a person sins, their clock moves."

Her looked around, seeing a clock for everyone she knew. But she looked puzzled, and asked the angel "Where is string555's clock, I don't see it anywhere?"

The angel smiled, and said "Oh, that one? We keep it in the breakroom as a fan!"

:D

And just some random jokes from Mitch Hedberg and Emo Phillips:

Spoiler:

Mitch Hedberg:

Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. And it says right on the bottle "Do not have more than two." Well then do not put a candy coating around it.

I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I said "Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question."

I was at a restaurant, I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep, I will tip you over."

I remixed the remix... it was back to normal.

I got a fire alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt battery slowly drainer. "Do you want to slowly get rid of your 9-volt batteries? Then buy this circle."

I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It'd be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it's exact purpose!

I think animal crackers made people think all animals taste the same. "What does a giraffe taste like?" "A hippopotamus!"

I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.

I went to a doctor, all he did was suck blood from my neck. Don't go see doctor Acula.

Spoiler:

Emo Phillips:

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!"
One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun..

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."

I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.

I got pulled over by the cops because I was swerving a bit while trying to change the radio. It was a shame, 'cos I'd almost disconnected the old one.

I was walking through the park. I had a very bad asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics attacked me. I know... I should have heard them hiding.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

I was in the ROTC program. I remember once I was walking through campus and my instructor grabs me, and he's a real big guy, and yells, "It's been six weeks since I've seen you in camouflage class!" I said, "I'm getting good."

I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"