The Discussions & Debates Advice Thread

[clay10mc]

Racism?

Hey there people! I have a question that's been bugging me since the beginning of this school year. My best friend since preschool has really changed. He's become overly annoying, a huge smartass/*******, and worst of all, I think he's become very racist.

Well, we have every class together and all he does is crack jokes. Racist ones. He says and does things that signify beliefs such as, "Black people are always in jail," and, "Mexicans always have big families."

I told him that he's being racist, but he insists that its a joke and he's not racist. But I still think that's racist. He lashes back and says, "You've told a racist joke and you're not racist." But he ALWAYS does it! Everyone we know says he's racist, except for the people I'm pretty sure don't want to offend him.

Now, do you guys/gals think he's racist? Do you think I should just leave him to his beliefs and tell him to cool it down, or just avoid him? I really need some help with this! Thanks in advance.

 

[Squirrel]

Hey there people! I have a question that's been bugging me since the beginning of this school year. My best friend since preschool has really changed. He's become overly annoying, a huge smartass/*******, and worst of all, I think he's become very racist.

Well, we have every class together and all he does is crack jokes. Racist ones. He says and does things that signify beliefs such as, "Black people are always in jail," and, "Mexicans always have big families."

I told him that he's being racist, but he insists that its a joke and he's not racist. But I still think that's racist. He lashes back and says, "You've told a racist joke and you're not racist." But he ALWAYS does it! Everyone we know says he's racist, except for the people I'm pretty sure don't want to offend him.

Now, do you guys/gals think he's racist? Do you think I should just leave him to his beliefs and tell him to cool it down, or just avoid him? I really need some help with this! Thanks in advance.

It's hard to know without having spoken to your friend before, but I have a friend who's similar and it sounds to me like he probably is joking. Although if you're uncomfortable with the jokes then there's no reason you have to stay friends - sure it's a shame to lose a friend of so many years but people change a lot given time and you start to see who they really are. I'd suggest talking to him about it saying that the comments, even if they are jokes, offend you and that you (and everyone around you) would rather he stopped them, then hopefully he'll understand and work on it for you. It's unlikely he'll stop right away since it's probably habit by now, but have a little patience with him and help him keep at it by reminding him whenever he makes one that he shouldn't etc, and then hopefully all will be fine! However it's possible that this is just part of who he is and that he expects his 'best friend' to accept that, in which case you'll have to decide whether your friendship means more to you than tolerating the horrid jokes. Best of luck dude!

 

[Frostweaver]

A short answer but really, sometimes people change and it can go either way. Someone who used to be lovely to hang out with may change to be someone you can't agree with. On the other hand though, it's possible that former enemies may become someone you can trust, and so on. I personally don't like to hang out with people of opposite beliefs like that as close friends, so my personal opinion is you should talk with him if he'll stop saying those things. If he truly values you as a friend the way you do, he will understand, respect your feelings and stop.

 

[droomph]

How does one go upon…

Ah whatever. The real question.

How do you guys get over yourselves over embarrassing things? I need to at least feel good about things I've done wrong (like, I did something embarrassing a couple years ago) that I still need to get over. It doesn't feel healthy to me…

 

[Nihilego]

How does one go upon…

Ah whatever. The real question.

How do you guys get over yourselves over embarrassing things? I need to at least feel good about things I've done wrong (like, I did something embarrassing a couple years ago) that I still need to get over. It doesn't feel healthy to me…

I'd say embarrassment's a pretty normal thing to feel and there's nothing wrong with it for a little while. A 'couple of years', though, seems to be on the excessive side to me. Try rationalising it against other embarrassing things other people have done and put it in perspective that way. How embarrassing was it in reality as opposed to your view of it? Does it still matter today? Is it something you can laugh about in any way? Just try to not feel so bad about it and instead put it into perspective against how bad it could have been or how much it really matters in the end.

 

[droomph]

Try rationalising it against other embarrassing things other people have done and put it in perspective that way.

That…is also another problem lol.

I get tooooo into other people's mistakes and I'm soooo damn embarrassed over them…even though I don't care about them in any other way :\

 

[Esper]

How does one go upon…

Ah whatever. The real question.

How do you guys get over yourselves over embarrassing things? I need to at least feel good about things I've done wrong (like, I did something embarrassing a couple years ago) that I still need to get over. It doesn't feel healthy to me…

I have an issue like this, too. When I get embarrassed by something I just try not to think about it if that's possible. I try to come up with a rationalization that makes it okay for me to forget about it because it's okay to forget about things that don't matter anymore, like that quiz you took later month - it's over and there's no need to ever think of it again.

So like a few weeks ago I completely embarrassed myself in front of a bunch of people at work and it's still nipping at my mind. What I've tried to do is tell myself that 1) even though I messed up I'm still pretty darn good and don't embarrass myself most of the time, 2) if they've got a negative opinion of me, which I often fear they do, then they're just losers (basically, I shift the "blame" I'm putting on myself onto other people, making it their fault that I got embarrassed) or 3) I can be proud of something else entirely and focus on that.

 

[droomph]

hi, i'm afraid i need more help

This isn't as much as a debilitating disease as it is life's little quirks, but…

Is it normal to feel guilty after buying stuff? Like, I just bought a game, but I feel extremely guilty that I spent $35 on it.

And I bought a little application for $15, and I'm feeling really guilty about buying it, even though I honestly wanted it, and I know having $120 left in a 15 year-old's bank account is still a lot (compared to the $40-$70 I usually hover around, so just keep that comparison in mind).

It also carries on into fake currencies too. In a game, I'm guilty about spending coins/blahkets/whatever the currency is, even though they don't have any impact irl. Like, I obsess about how much money I have in Mystery Dungeon, even though it's probably one of the least money-reliant games in my collection.

Is this normal, and if not, how do you guys think I should try to cope?

 

[Kura]

hi, i'm afraid i need more help

This isn't as much as a debilitating disease as it is life's little quirks, but…

Is it normal to feel guilty after buying stuff? Like, I just bought a game, but I feel extremely guilty that I spent $35 on it.

And I bought a little application for $15, and I'm feeling really guilty about buying it, even though I honestly wanted it, and I know having $120 left in a 15 year-old's bank account is still a lot (compared to the $40-$70 I usually hover around, so just keep that comparison in mind).

It also carries on into fake currencies too. In a game, I'm guilty about spending coins/blahkets/whatever the currency is, even though they don't have any impact irl. Like, I obsess about how much money I have in Mystery Dungeon, even though it's probably one of the least money-reliant games in my collection.

Is this normal, and if not, how do you guys think I should try to cope?

I had a blog about this actually. (My most recent one actually) because I tend to suffer from the same thing as you.

What's worked for me is well, to set aside a certain % of savings to actually save, and a certain % that can be your treat per month if you decide to spend it. The treat % can be rolled over per month..
For example, let's say you have 40 bucks. You decide you will truly save half of it, and so you have an allowance of $20 to spend in that month. If you spend 10, then 10 can be rolled over next month so that you can spend 30 instead of 20.
At the end of the year, you can put a certain % of whatever is leftover into the real savings, or just continue on as you are.
If there is something you reallllyyyyy want (or actually end up needing) then it is okay to dip into your real savings once every x months (set this for yourself, too) so you know that eventually, you are actually earning money, and you can put it towards something you may need or want in the future (or just keep it and keep saving!)
Since eventually, some people will want to make bigger purchases like a car or etc, or may even need a car for school etc etc etc. It is just good to have!

It is good to save, but I notice that I hoard.. and I realized, well, if something is gonna make me happy, life is short and I should get it. However, I dont wanna be like some people who buy everything they want because it is good to have moderation.

If you separate your savings, you can prob still feel like you have some backup money, and you're not "splurging" but at the same time, you can enjoy things in life.

Another thing that might help is helping you think you deserve it. So like, for example, do something that will make you feel accomplished, like organizing and cleaning your room, because people often pay cleaning ladies/ cleaners like $100 bucks an hour for a job. So.. if you do something you think is worth something like that amount, you can justify treating yourself.

Um.. I think I have a few more tips that would help, but I'll give you those to think about for now, and hopefully it helps you out. Let me know how you get on with it, cause.. well like I said, I have the same problem haha.

Good luck, Droomph!

 

[EJ]

hi, i'm afraid i need more help

This isn't as much as a debilitating disease as it is life's little quirks, but…

Is it normal to feel guilty after buying stuff? Like, I just bought a game, but I feel extremely guilty that I spent $35 on it.

And I bought a little application for $15, and I'm feeling really guilty about buying it, even though I honestly wanted it, and I know having $120 left in a 15 year-old's bank account is still a lot (compared to the $40-$70 I usually hover around, so just keep that comparison in mind).

It also carries on into fake currencies too. In a game, I'm guilty about spending coins/blahkets/whatever the currency is, even though they don't have any impact irl. Like, I obsess about how much money I have in Mystery Dungeon, even though it's probably one of the least money-reliant games in my collection.

Is this normal, and if not, how do you guys think I should try to cope?

What you're experiencing is buyer's remorse and yes it's relatively normal. I'm sure most of us at some point have tried rationalizing the reason behind spending X amount on something or other. In fact, last November I spent $200 on a brand new Xbox 360 with games, etc and I felt really guilty about it. What did I do to rationalize? I reminded myself how badly I wanted to get Halo 4, as well as playing my older Xbox games.

So if you're anything like me, try to rationalize. As for it bothering you with fake currency, I've also had that problem and actually I have a much harder time with spending fake money (lol) I spent 70,000 pokedollars to buy a TM in White 2 and I felt bad for a bit, but then I reminded myself that my pokemon needed Fire Blast. Again, just rationalize and look at the reasons behind you buying stuff. Also, listen to Kura because she mentioned some key concepts that are likely to help you out in the long run to establish a sense of order.

 

[Honest]

Woot, this thread is every wannabe psychiatrist's dream. Aka me

hi, i'm afraid i need more help

This isn't as much as a debilitating disease as it is life's little quirks, but…

Is it normal to feel guilty after buying stuff? Like, I just bought a game, but I feel extremely guilty that I spent $35 on it.

And I bought a little application for $15, and I'm feeling really guilty about buying it, even though I honestly wanted it, and I know having $120 left in a 15 year-old's bank account is still a lot (compared to the $40-$70 I usually hover around, so just keep that comparison in mind).

It also carries on into fake currencies too. In a game, I'm guilty about spending coins/blahkets/whatever the currency is, even though they don't have any impact irl. Like, I obsess about how much money I have in Mystery Dungeon, even though it's probably one of the least money-reliant games in my collection.

Is this normal, and if not, how do you guys think I should try to cope?

It is normal to feel guilty considering you spent your money on a "want" and not a "need". That being said, there's nothing wrong with buying stuff that you want, as long as you manage your budget and are careful not to overconsume. You don't exactly show off any signs of being a constant shopper, and even say that you're obsessed with how much money you have in Mystery Dungeon. Sure, that might not exactly have any affect irl, but the fact that you can think like that probably reflects how you behave irl. That being said, if you're the type that watches and keeps money like a hawk, and go off spending some cash every now and then on something that you don't consider vital, it makes perfect sense to feel guilty.

So in short, yes, it's normal. I'd just advice you to keep a watch on your bank account (impressive for a 15 year old, by the way) and think about what you want before you buy it and if it's truly worth it.

Hope that helped!

 

[Honest]

Welp, double post. I need advice though, so screw that.

Okay, so this Saturday, my school will be hosting SING!, which is basically a battle between the grades by means of a musical. Super exited for that, I went last year and it was narly, though my year's performance last year wasn't so great. Anyway, I'm going again this year, but I have a slight problem about afterwards.

You see, after the show's over, a couple of kids in my school are going to hosting an afterparty. I really want to go, but there are a couple of issues. For one thing, the show ends circa 9 to 10 PM, and the party starts at 11 PM, an hour before midnight. So already, there's a problem, it's super late. My mother would probably freak if I came home at 2 or 3 (assuming she's not asleep), but they're aware that a party's being held. I didn't say where, or what's gonna be at the party, but they are aware of it. That brings me to my second point.

There's gonna be booze at the party, and people who know me know I've been meaning to try some out. I've never had it before, and that's another problem. I'm worried if I do drink, I'll get drunk. I keep telling myself that I'll try one shot, but I dunno where that'll leave someone like me, whose never had alcohol before. And coming home drunk is NOT an option. Booze is against my religion, so I'm already in 50 levels of chaos as it is. Mom and dad find out, I'm poop.

So yeah, what do I do? My friend said that I shouldn't have my first go at a wild party where people'll will be making out with the first person they see, and it sounds like sound advice. Basically my two options are go and stay sober and leave early, or do the same but drink a shot.


BASICALLY IM ASKING IF I SHOULD DRINK. ;; TOUJIE HELP ME.

 

[Captain Gizmo]

Okay Dipu. I'll try to help you out as best as I can alright? :)

Do you care that it's against your religion if you drink? If you do, then you should completely leave the booze out of your life until you decide otherwise.

If you REALLY want to try to drink, you can always have a glass and ask your friends to help you drink responsibly to make sure you won't end up drunk and try to restrain you from drinking more than 1 or 2? Depending how much you really want to drink?

But the party sounds a bit too wild to be drinking there, you might end up getting drunk fast and next thing you know, you'll end up waking up next to a horse and realize you had some overnight fun with it...if you know what I mean.

So if you're really down for having your first drink at the party, go for it but ask your friends to keep an eye on you and not let you overdrink. (Is overdrink even a word?)

Anyways you can wait, and have your first sip with your friends, in a non crazy environment where you're sure nothing bad gonna happen.

 

[Esper]

BASICALLY IM ASKING IF I SHOULD DRINK. ;;

All other things aside, I would advise against trying if you think you wouldn't be able to control things. Meaning, you think there might be too much peer pressure and/or not enough support from your friends if you decided you only wanted to try a little and no more. You don't seem like you would like the idea of things getting out of hand. There really isn't a shortage of chances to drink alcohol in this world, and they only get greater in number the older you get. There's no rush.

 

[Kura]

If it's against your religion and you feel that is an important part of your religion, then I think you should stick with it until a point in your life where you feel comfortable enough with yourself that you will truly want to try it without the pressures of others. If others ask you to try, and you say it's against your religion, they should have enough courtesy and understanding to respect that.

 

[Nihilego]

TOUJIE HELP ME.

***** please - We all know that I'm the alcohol authority around here! d:

I'm not gonna say whether or not you should or shouldn't drink, since that's ultimately your choice, but I'll give you a few of my thoughts.

Firstly, your concern about getting drunk - even though you've not had alcohol before, I find it highly unlikely that you'll get drunk off a very small amount such as a single shot. I've been pretty into my drink for a good number of years now and even tiny little 12-year-old me didn't get drunk off one shot. To put it into perspective, one shot of a 40% ABV, Alcohol by Volume, drink (most alcohol which you'd take as a shot will have between 37.5% and 40% ABV) will contain 10ml alcohol. One pint of 4.5% beer or cider will contain 25.56ml alcohol. And it takes an incredible lightweight to get drunk off a single pint; there's less than half this volume in one shot. What I'd recommend you do, though, if you were to drink, is to maybe try a half pint. You'll likely find the shot absolutely disgusting if you're new to alcohol and you've a much higher capacity to pace yourself with a half pint - since you won't be expected to down it in one - so if you feel uncomfortable drinking it after a while, you've only had a small amount of alcohol and you're in a state that you're comfortable in. There's also not much more alcohol in a half pint by volume than there is in a shot, and it's more diluted so it won't have as much of an impact on you as quickly as the alcohol in a shot would. It's the best way for you to control your first drink; you can take it slowly, and it'll have a lesser impact on you than a shot would. You could also go with a mixed drink, which'd dilute the alcohol further and give you more control over the exact quantities that you're having. In any case - picking your drink properly will give you a good amount of control over how drunk you'll get, if you get drunk at all. I'd definitely advise you go with something more easily moderated than a shot.

As for the logistics of it, like coming home at 2-3am and whatnot, that's for you to work out. If you're able to pull it off then go for it - but I doubt any of us here can really help you with that. Could you stop at a friend's house instead of coming home?

For the religious side of things, I'd ask two things: 1) have you always followed your religion perfectly? and 2) would you feel like a slave to your religion if you weren't to drink, even though you wanted to? If the answer to 1 is no and the answer to 2 is yes, then I'd say to go for it. Religion's all well and good until it infringes upon what you want to do, imo, at which point I'd say to take control of your own actions for you. The exception to this is people who practice their religion fully and if this describes you, then don't do it. I don't know which religion you are or what sort of 'rules' it has, so I can't say much else here, but that's my view on it.

One warning I will give is that if you do decide to drink then you should be aware that, if you enjoy it (and honestly, most people don't enjoy their first few drinks but still!), I personally find it difficult to stop drinking. As you've probably figured before now, though, I... am very into my alcohol so my personal experience probably won't reflect yours very strongly. But, it's worth noting; you're gonna have to dedicate yourself to not drinking more than you know you should if you do find that you're enjoying it. But, from what I've seen of you, that won't be a problem.

I think that's all I have to say. Hope it helps!

you'll end up waking up next to a horse and realize you had some overnight fun with it...if you know what I mean.

WOAH OK a wee bit inappropriate right there, haha.

 

[Kura]

Firstly, your concern about getting drunk - even though you've not had alcohol before, I find it highly unlikely that you'll get drunk off a very small amount such as a single shot. I've been pretty into my drink for a good number of years now and even tiny little 12-year-old me didn't get drunk off one shot. .

Say what you want, but I can easily get drunk/buzzed/tipsy off a single shot.. so it's not impossible.

And a pint and a half is my limit. Unlike RL I find it easy to stop drinking. But you don't know that about yourself yet.


I say when it comes to the rents.. better safe than sorry.. but then again I'm a goody-two-shoes type of girl. In the end, ultimately the decision is yours. If I were in your situation, though, I wouldn't drink, but that's just me.

 

[Nihilego]

Say what you want, but I can easily get drunk/buzzed/tipsy off a single shot.. so it's not impossible.

I didn't say it was impossible. That's why I suggested other, more controllable drinks than shots. Easier to stop when you start feeling drunk that way.

 

[Honest]

Well, the religion part of things I'm already decided on. I'm terrible at it, and the option of drinking was something I gave myself, not something other people told me to try. So peer pressure isn't that relevant, actually.

But I'll keep the half-pint idea in mind, Razor, thanks for that. =P Hopefully I don't forget it in the mad rush with my friends getting themselves drunk and all. I'll be having a friend who'll be sober, at the very least, so he can watch over me. He's my best friend to, so I know I can trust him.

As for me crashing at someone else's house, unfortunately not. I'm not too worried about that part anymore though, I'll just leave the party early after I've had my fill. HOPEFULLY my parents will be asleep, so on the chance I do get drunk, they won't see it. Quite honestly, I'm more worried about the possibility of a hangover. I have no idea how those work, but if my friends and the movie is anything to go by, it doesn't look so pretty.

Also, how obvious is it when one's drunk? Tipsy? Buzzed?

Love you all for the help, by the way! <3

 

[Jake♫]

As for me crashing at someone else's house, unfortunately not. I'm not too worried about that part anymore though, I'll just leave the party early after I've had my fill. HOPEFULLY my parents will be asleep, so on the chance I do get drunk, they won't see it. Quite honestly, I'm more worried about the possibility of a hangover. I have no idea how those work, but if my friends and the movie is anything to go by, it doesn't look so pretty.

Also, how obvious is it when one's drunk? Tipsy? Buzzed?

Love you all for the help, by the way! <3

Hangover remedies, something I can actually talk about. So here's my tips of PREVENTING a hangover instead of curing it.

1. Make sure you've eaten before you drink, as drinking on an empty stomach is not good
2. DRINK WATER! At least a glass before you go to bed. Alcohol dehydrates you (which is the cause of a hangover), so drink water!
3. If you are feeling more than a little drunk, stop drinking. Drinking too much isn't going to help!