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The Trainers Four

  • 716
    Posts
    16
    Years
    I'm determined to see this fanfiction through to the end. Seriously; I've gotten advice and I've been given the go-ahead. It's influenced by elements of my first ever fic, "Pokémon: Generation of the Clones" and my previous fics.

    I'd also like my readers to be aware that this fic is centred around two fake regions (my own region, Beklan, and Air Dragon's region, Corei) and Kanto.

    Disclaimer: This fan-fiction, "The Trainers Four", is solely mine and is rated PG 13. It contains some mild language, violence and mortal peril, but nothing too bad. Pokémon is © Game Freak and Nintendo, 1995-2009. All other characters are © Tigrerra.

    A/N: I'd like to thank Air Dragon, who goes by the name of Shiny Mightyena here on PC. Without his advice and hints, I wouldn't have been able to even get this far. I'd also like to thank my two mentors for their help, as well as Manaphyman and Raibutai for their beta-ing. A round of thanks also goes to Alakazam17 for the description of Lerrow and once more to Air Dragon for helping with the last three paragraphs.

    PM List:
    Shiny Mightyena
    Blizzard Master
    Alakazam17
    Eine kalte Sehnsucht
    Roronoa Zolo
    bobandbill
    Xanthine

    Table of Contents:

    Chapter 1: Preparing for the Quest


    Here's the first Chapter. Happy reading everyone! Don't forget to post your c & c...

    Chapter 1: Preparing for the Quest

    Four trainers' journeys began one pleasant summer morning in the peaceful little community of Pallet Town.

    The town of Pallet was relatively small in comparison to the other cities and townships in Kanto. Most of the houses were built from wood, with the exception of a row of brick houses on the eastern boundary of town which belonged to the families with too much money.

    Professor Oak was one of the most highly regarded Pokémon researchers in the world. He had won the Kanto region's Indigo League twice and has dedicated his life to the study of Pokémon, their habitats, lifestyles and interactions with their trainers. Since he was always known as the most renowned Pokémon expert in the entire world, the citizens of Pallet Town had always considered it an honour that he has continued to work in his home. Visitors felt that Professor Oak's Pokémon laboratory was the only real attraction in the town in that it wasn't so much a tourist attraction, but more a place where interesting Pokémon events and discoveries occurred.

    Pallet Town was hardly ever bustling, except when the newest Pokémon trainers graduated from the Pokémon Trainers' Academy, usually at ten years of age. The school taught traditional classes such as maths, science, history, reading, and so on, as well as courses involving studies of Pokémon, which ranged from raising, training, breeding and battling of Pokémon. Their journeys would usually start by travelling north to Viridian City, as it was the closest city to Pallet, and the only city accessible by foot. Nothing but deep forest lay to the east and west, and the south was a large stretch of water where Cinnabar Island resided.

    As the sun started to show its face, the citizens of Pallet began waking and moving around. The sun played across the brick-red façade of one house, which was located towards the entrance of town. A ray of light shone through a window in its second story, as a teenaged girl named Josephine Harris woke up yawning. While thinking about the day ahead of her, she lay in her bed for a few extra minutes.

    Josephine is a red haired girl, who is not especially tall and is of an average build. She also has assumed the responsibility of the oldest child in what is now a family of two children and two adults.

    The girl had been born into a rich family as the third child of four. As with all of the other children in Pallet, she'd studied at the Pokémon Trainers' Academy. However, instead of beginning her journey at the minimum legal age, she chose to hang around Professor Oak's lab for four years, studying about the different types of Pokémon.

    At the same time, Josephine knew she had a disadvantage because she would be on the skill level of ten-year-olds whilst the trainers her age had stronger Pokémon and a ton of road-gained experience. Thus, she anticipated being embarrassed because the only people she could battle were four years younger than her.

    Three walls of her room were made of brick – which had been painted a light green colour. A wooden framed unicorn picture was situated on the wall opposite her bed and a painting of a girl feeding some duck-like Pokémon in the country existed on the right-hand side wall. On the third were posters of her favourite Pokémon. The last wall consisted of a security-grill-protected sliding door.

    It was in front of the sliding door that a rectangular shaped grey table was positioned with a lone Nintendo DS console – with a Pokémon Pearl game in it – sitting on top of a spare old-styled school desk.

    "Josephine! If you don't get out of bed right now and come downstairs, then Eevee will have to go up there and wake you up!!" shouted a middle-aged woman. She had pale red hair, with green eyes that were brimming with impatience. The woman wore a black and white striped polo shirt and fading blue three-quarter pants. This was Fiona Harris, mother of a trainer-to-be.

    She was a very kind and caring person, but she didn't want her only child to miss out on one of the most important days of her life. "Oh well. Eevee, if you don't mind, could you please wake her up so that she's not late for her big adventure?" Fiona asked the creature standing next to her. The Pokémon was small and fox-like in appearance. His tiny body was brown in colour, with creamy coloured neck fur; his face wore a hardened, serious expression.

    "No problem. In fact, I would have done it myself even if you hadn't asked," replied Eevee, whose facial expression matched his personality. He swiftly sprang up the wooden staircase, bounded down the long hallway and hurled his small body against a door at the end of the hall. He glanced up at his trainer and grumbled to himself, because even after making that entire racket to come to the girl's room, she still hadn't woken up.

    "Forgive me for this, Ho-oh, but I've got a lazy girl who won't even get off her behind. Bloody hell, Josephine, wake up!" Seeing that he got no reaction, Eevee's eyes narrowed and an evil sort of smirk appeared on his face, as he said, "Bugger you, kid, I'll wake you up myself."

    After saying that, the Pokémon bared his teeth, jumped onto the girl's bed and tore off the covers with his paws. He then turned and began swishing his fluffy tail in her face. A split-second later, the teenaged girl sat straight up and then glared at Eevee who had woken her up.

    "Why did you do that!" demanded the red haired girl. Her normally bright green eyes were now savage and angry.

    "You ought to control your temper, Josephine! Who'd have thought you'd get so angry about my tail swishing in your face?" Eevee said, as he burst out laughing.

    "Yeah, ha, you're so funny," Josephine replied sarcastically. Too bad you couldn't have attacked Sandshrew – otherwise I'd have caught it and we would have left Pallet Town yesterday."

    "Hey, who was the one who scared the Sandshrew off in the first place?" replied Eevee, who was now right in front of Josephine's face.

    "Yeah, but, who was the one that decided to try out his Tackle attack, hit me in the legs and made me scare the Sandshrew in the first place?" Josephine said coolly, moving Eevee off her and jumping out of bed.

    "Oh yeah? Well, who was the one who trained me to perfect Tackle, hmm?" Eevee questioned.

    Josephine sighed. "Why did Mum just dump you onto me? I know you're the family pet and all of that, but still…" She closed her eyes, wondering what it would have been like if she received her very first Pokémon.

    "Don't say that. You knew she was going to give me to you. And you still have yet to choose your first Pokémon because that is what every trainer starting out has to do. Besides, I've got seven different evolutions – I'm sure you would have picked me even if you could've got any Pokémon in the entire world!!" Eevee said happily.

    "Yeah, right. If I could have gotten any Pokémon, it would have been a Dragonite," Josephine said, thinking out loud.

    "Don't be stupid, you couldn't control a Dragonite right now – you're too inexperienced and besides, Dragonite are so powerful, there are rumours saying that it is almost a legendary. Anyway, we have to get downstairs and get ready for your journey," Eevee informed a now calmed down Josephine.

    "You make it sound like Pokémon Training Academy. But I know that this journey is going to be a lot better. Okay, let's go," Josephine said, smiling at the family pet.

    Nothing to it, I suppose… she thought, after wiping the sleep out of her hazel eyes. Josephine peered alertly at herself in the bedside mirror, before meandering over to her en suite.

    The tiled floor gave off a feeling of coldness which seeped through her feet as she walked across it. She opened the door, closing it upon entering and then turned on the water.

    Half an hour later, Josephine inspected herself in her mirror. Her wet hair now had a hair tie around it, creating a pony-tail look. Her outfit consisted of a bright red sleeveless top and a sky-blue miniskirt. Brown boots adorned her feet and black sunglasses had been placed over her eyes.

    After placing her digital watch on the wrist of her left arm, she headed down the hall.

    Josephine put her right hand on the railing as she descended the stairs. Heading into the reasonably large kitchen and preparing herself a bowl of cereal, she spotted her mother relaxing on the cyan coloured sofa. She quickly sat down and started eating the cereal, glancing across the table to the empty plate that was probably her sister's. The chestnut haired teen then checked to ensure that her bright red and yellow backpack with the insignia of a Poké Ball on the side was packed.

    Her sister was a scarlet haired, hazel-eyed delight named Natalie. She had turned ten just two weeks ago and was eager to start her journey with her older sibling.

    Finding out that everything was in her backpack, she placed the breakfast bowl in the sink, ran some water in it and headed to the door.

    "Honey, wait," the voices of Josephine's parents spoke up. The girl's mother rose from the sofa as her father walked into the room. The masculine toned voice had come from fair haired Charles, Fiona's husband. Charles had been an Indigo League Champion at the age of twenty, but decided to quit being a trainer at twenty-three.

    Saying goodbye was going to be difficult and sad.

    "Yeah?" The teen turned and looked at her parents as tears started to form in her eyes.

    "It's good to see that you are finally ready. Professor Oak called and said he wants you to meet him at his lab," Fiona told her, relieved to see that her second oldest living child was finally setting off.

    Josephine stood there with a puzzled look on her face, wondering what the researcher needed to give her, but then it clicked.

    Of course! My Pokédex, Pokémon and Poké Balls… how could I forget…? Josephine mentally slapped herself for forgetting such a simple thing.

    As she was about to run to the lab, she remembered that this would be the last time she saw her parents before she left. She turned around and looked at them. "Mum, Dad… this is goodbye for now. I'll miss you."

    "Hey! Where do you think you're going?" A haughty voice was heard as an irritated fox rushed down the stairs.

    "Eevee, I said…" the red haired teen began, but was quickly interrupted.

    "I'm coming, whether you like it or not! Deal with it!" he added, seeing the older sister sigh and bow her head.

    Natalie came running just then, dressed in a red and white striped short-sleeved shirt and blue denim shorts. Slipping a cherry coloured bandana onto her head so as to keep back her long red fringe, she looked up at her parents and older sister. "Don't think ya going anywhere without me, sis!" she exclaimed, shaking her head in disapproval and making a tutting noise.

    "Come off it, Nat. You know I wouldn't go anywhere without you," Josephine replied, before smiling.

    Her father stared desperately at her, while her mother placed a hand on her shoulder and answered, "Yes, we'll miss you both. You have grown up incredibly fast you two, and we understand that you want to go on this journey."

    "Alright, I'll see you later, guys."

    "Goodbye dear, and know that whatever happens, I'll always think of you as a Pokémon Master, because you went and attempted to accomplish your dream. Thanks for letting me know, honey," Fiona said, as she smiled at her daughters. Charles stepped backwards, determined to talk to Fiona in private once Josephine and Natalie had left.

    Just before the two sisters set off, Josephine gave her mother one last farewell hug, tears flowed freely.

    Wiping away the tears, the siblings started walking towards the research facility that was run by Professor Oak.

    After trudging along for about ten minutes, they finally arrived at the location of the building. The laboratory was on top of a hill that was accessible by a long stairway, which took one to the entrance of the lab. It was a two-story ivory building that had a maroon roof which, from the top, allowed one to view the landscape as far as the eye could see.

    There was a lake to the east of the hill and to the south was an untamed forest with no paths. The forest was cut short by an open range, which was met in the north by rocks and boulders. There were Pokémon scattered all over the landscape.

    Josephine rang the doorbell and waited, because she knew that Professor Oak wouldn't be in a rush to answer the door. The large timber door opened a few minutes later.

    "Ah, Josephine and Natalie! I was wondering when the two of you were going to arrive. Come in and let me give you something that's very important," the elderly researcher spoke unhurriedly. The Professor was an old, but young-spirited man. His greying hair was trimmed neatly, as it came down just short of his ears. He wore a long white lab coat which fell down to his black boots.

    "Thank you, Professor," the duo replied, at the same time feeling overjoyed that they had gotten here. Their eyes were shining brightly, the sisters were smiling and they both felt thrilled to be getting their first Pokémon partner. However, Josephine was unaware that she would have to wait a few days before she received her starter.

    "Right this way, then," he answered, as he turned and led the two red haired girls into the lab. The first thing that was seen when entering was an array of bookshelves that were stacked against the wall, stretching from one corner of the room to the other.

    To the right were small computers that blinked with all sorts of dazzling lights, with the monitors scrolling down with data that she could only guess was the research that Professor Oak and his assistants had compiled.

    In the middle, between the computers, was a rather large door that was used for when they went out to care for and study the Pokémon that were kept at the lab.

    To the left was a very large storage room in which the Pokéballs that contained the Pokémon were kept. One could only guess how many were amassed there.

    At the top of the staircase to the right of the Pokéball storage room, the upper level was desolate except for three bookshelves that were lined up against the left wall, an enormous computer that took up the entire southern wall, a solitary chair and finally, a small dome which was the holding place of the three Pokéballs.

    "Professor, there you are! Paul and Rachel almost left without their starters, but I convinced them that Josephine and Natalie were coming. Anna, of course, already left; she couldn't wait any longer." One of Oak's aides appeared when the researcher and the red haired girls entered the large room which contained the small dome.

    As Rachel righted herself from a handstand which she'd been doing against the wall, Paul got up off the lone chair and both trainers-to-be walked towards the newcomers.

    Paul Johnson was of an average height for a ten-year-old and had smooth, sun-streaked brown hair which was fluttering to one side in the light breeze that came through the windows. He wore a blue shirt, baggy black trousers and on each of his wrists was a two-toned sweatband.

    Fourteen-year-old Rachel Savina walked forward, her long purple hair flowing behind her. She looked relaxed and comfortable in her outfit – a bright red zip-up skin-tight jumper and navy blue shorts.

    "So… the loser's finally arrived, huh?" Paul questioned the teen in a cocky tone, before running a hand through his fringe.

    "Paul, behave yourself please. You haven't received your starter yet," Professor Oak cautioned the boy, who was the son of the head of Kanto's police force. "Be patient; your turn will come."

    The brown haired boy bit his lip. "I haven't forgotten, Professor," he answered, choosing his words carefully.

    As the Professor picked up three spheres, Rachel noticed that on the right hand side ball there was the image of a leaf imprinted on it, on the middle orb the image of a flame, and on the left sphere nothing.

    "Are you sure these are the Kanto starters, Professor Oak?" Rachel questioned. The lavender haired teen proceeded to fold her arms and look doubtfully at the elderly researcher.

    "I hear scepticism in your voice, Rachel. Take a look if you want to be sure," Professor Oak replied and casually gestured at the table on which he'd placed the spheres.

    Rachel moved forward, trembling with excitement. She picked up the first ball and released the creature within. After the flash of white light had died down, standing by her side was a small, orange lizard. Her two small arms weren't chubby, and the claws were small, unlike the feet.

    I've always been a fan of the Charmander evolution line, she thought. They look awesome, and Charizard rules. What more could one want?

    Across from Rachel were Paul and his Water type. The other bipedal Pokémon, like his companion, was small. This creature was turtle-like in appearance. A brown shell with a white border held most of his body, the underside of it being a very clear russet colour. From the bottom of it, a somewhat fluffy tail sprouted.

    I will train Squirtle so that he may reach his full potential, Paul contemplated.

    Not realizing that Professor Oak had given Natalie her starter's Poké Ball, Josephine worriedly looked over at her younger sister and was surprised to see that she was already playing with her partner.

    The small worm Pokémon had two large black eyes and a segmented mass. But what caught the eye more than anything was the body itself, consisting of an astonishing golden-coloured sparkle. What had originally been a green and yellow body was now bathed in a yellow shimmering radiance.

    The older sister's surprise rapidly kicked itself into shock as she stared at the Caterpie. No way! No freaking way! A shiny Caterpie?! How did my younger sister end up so damn lucky?!

    Rachel, who was still stroking the warm skin of her Charmander, sensed her best friend's shock and quickly looked over at Natalie. Her mouth hung open in response and her blue eyes stared blankly ahead. A few moments later, the lavender haired girl regained her composure and shook her head to clear her thoughts.

    Wow, was all that she could think.

    Paul had seen the Bug Pokémon almost instantly and was angered at the fact that his Squirtle couldn't have been a shiny.

    Humph, he thought.

    Rachel and Paul returned their Pokémon to their respective containment devices, and then minimized the balls by pressing the white button in the centre. They clipped their new Pokéballs to their belts.

    "Congratulations on your journeys' beginning, you three," Professor Oak addressed them. "Here are your Pokédexes, a reference tool for you that analyzes Pokémon you've come across, and five Pokéballs each." The researcher then handed the items to Rachel and Paul, who accepted them and thanked the elderly man.

    "Natalie, I'd like you to know that your Caterpie was a special delivery from Professor Celio's laboratory. As I'm sure your sister's told you, Celio lives on One Island in the Sevii Island area," the Professor spoke to the younger Harris before handing her the same items he'd given the other two.

    Natalie curtsied in respect for the professor. "Thank you very much, Professor Oak," she added.

    The researcher nodded in appreciation. "You're welcome, Natalie. Now, while I've got you and your sister here, Josephine, I'd like to inform you that you've been invited to the region of Beklan by Professor Maria Banksia. Natalie, on the other hand, has been recruited – so to speak – by Professor Yew of the Corei region."

    The two siblings looked at each other excitedly. They couldn't believe they were going to uncharted regions to begin their journeys.

    "Oh my god! Are you for real, Professor Oak?!" Natalie shrieked, astounded.

    The researcher nodded.

    "When do we head off?" Josephine questioned, speaking for the two of them, hardly able to keep the eagerness out of her voice.

    "You both leave today," Professor Oak answered.

    Squeals of joy were issued from the sisters mouths. They jumped up and down, hugging each other crazily. Then, the realization sunk in. They would be going to different regions by themselves. Natalie looked anxiously at her older sister, who held her close again in an attempt to quell the younger Harris' fear.

    "Hey Jose, I guess I'll see ya around. Okay?" Rachel asked, fingering a strap on her backpack.

    "'Kay," the red haired teen answered. "I'll take care of Natalie, until we have to separate. I've got things figured out."

    "Who said anything about us, Rachel?" Paul demanded. "Josephine has the right idea. I'm so outta here. Later!"

    As the young boy left angrily after his outburst, Rachel took her time in following. She waved farewell to Josephine as she went, causing the red haired girl to shake her head in amusement.

    Ahhh, Rachel. Why is it, my friend, that you're always a bit slow on the uptake? And Paul? Well, one of these days, he's gonna get his butt kicked.

    Josephine and Natalie hurried out of the lab, waving farewell to Professor Oak as they did so. The elder redhead accidentally dropped her backpack in the rush and stopped to go back and get it. Retrieving it and shouldering it once more, the teen felt Natalie keenly tug on her shirt. "Come on, sis! The bus to Vermillion will be leaving soon!"

    "Okay, okay. I'm coming," Josephine answered, as the two sisters boarded the bus which was parked on the road in front of the laboratory's fence.

    The siblings sat down and smiled at their parents, who'd arrived just in time to see them off. While the bus driver was driving down the road, they waved goodbye to them out the window. As their parents vanished around the corner, Josephine leant back only to hear a new voice ask, "Are you Josephine Harris?"

    The red haired teenager spun around in her seat to see the unfamiliar, fair-skinned face of a complete stranger gazing her, with an equally mysterious Pokémon standing beside him. The speaker was an adolescent boy with electric-blue hair who was sitting on the other side of the bus. For a moment, Josephine stared at the boy's all-blue attire wondering if he was related to Misty of the Cerulean City Gym. A second glance showed that the teen's jacket went up to his shoulders and continued in short dark blue sleeves. The words "Cheltin Town Academy" were embroidered on the left pocket of the jacket and by his side stood a small, slim bird that was a light green colour.

    It had a short crooked beak, and two tufts of fur above it which could have easily been mistaken for a pair of elm leaves. Its wings were thin and narrow, and much like those tufts, bore a striking resemblance to leaves. And at the bottom of its match-like legs, stood a pair of single-clawed talons, which from a distance seemed like fallen acorns.

    "Raphael Blackwood's the name," the boy went on, sweeping the two sisters with his grey eyes. "This is Lydia, my Lerrow."

    "Hi there, you two!" The Lerrow acknowledged in a delighted tone.

    Josephine hesitated briefly, before speaking up. "Uh… well, yes. I am Josephine Harris and this is my younger sister, Natalie."

    "Hi," Natalie mumbled, nervous in the older boy's presence.

    A look of surprise crossed Raphael's face. "You're wondering what I'm doing here?" Shaking his head in mock disappointment, he added, "Honestly, I thought that you at least, Josephine, would've known why I was here. I guess they're dormant."

    Josephine's hazel eyes widened and she stared at the male teen, as she wondered what the hell he was going on about.

    "Oh god!" Raphael moaned and dragged his left hand down his face. "You, Josephine, are the cousin of a revered Leader here in Kanto. I'm going to leave it up to you to work out which one. And I'm here because I'm your guide in the Beklan region."

    Ignoring the other information for the time being, Josephine picked at the boy's last sentence. "I'd like to know more about the Beklan region. Where is it?"

    Finally, I'm getting some sense out of her, Raphael thought. "Beklan is to the far east of Kanto."

    As the bus rolled to a stop in Vermillion City, Raphael and Josephine got off the bus, but not before the elder Harris gave her younger sister advice on how to get to the Saffron City train station from the bus stop.

    "Keep in touch, okay Nat?" Josephine asked, as the ten-year-old leant out of the bus window to say goodbye. "And good luck!"

    "You too, sis," Natalie countered, smiling. "See you later, Lydia!"

    "Later, Natalie!" Lerrow chirped, waving a short wing in farewell.

    As the ship grew nearer to Cheltin Town's Dock, the girl's reflection on how the invitation from Professor Maria Banksia has started her journey to and in Beklan came to a close causing her to stir slowly. Looking out of the lobby window, she saw a flock of Wingull glide by lazily, their piping caws ringing loud and clear across the bright, clear sky.

    The rolling ocean waves moved on by in a slow rush as the cruise ship, known as the S.S. Hawkesbury, moved progressively further east of Kanto. Despite the somewhat dull scenery now that the fourteen-year-old girl was awake, her growing excitement was hard to contain.

    Her past of bitten body parts was behind her and her future lay in the new, mind-blowing world of Beklan and Josephine just couldn't wait to get there and carve her mark.
     
    Last edited:

    Manaphyman

    Sevii Trainer
  • 36
    Posts
    15
    Years
    Being one of your betas, you already know my comments, but I felt the need to drop by and give you a little more c & c.

    I would have prefered the original title : The Trainers Four, but thats okay, I'm sure the choice was for the best. Other than that, no complaints. Everything I had suggested to be fixed was fixed. Some parts seemed a little rushed or forced but it happens in every fic, its neccessary to advance the plot. I like the description, I like the intresting and captivating first chapter, and I like the characters.

    Good work, and I shall look foward to your next work...
     

    Raibutai

    Pixels and Pikachus. Bliss.
  • 280
    Posts
    15
    Years
    Ah, I see you fixed the things that I suggested. As one of your beta'ers, I don't have much to add to my earlier comments, but I find it... very smooth. Much smoother than your first edition of this chapter.

    Also, it does flow well, even without an explanation on how the Eevee talked - we all either take it for granted or just assume that the Eevee has the amazing ability to speak English. It doesn't even matter too much, since the Eevee is one of the main characters, paralleled only by Josephine herself.

    So, I hope your writing progresses to be even better than it is now!
     
  • 716
    Posts
    16
    Years
    Thanks for the reviews, Manaphyman and Raibutai. Both lots of advice really helped. And now, I have an important announcement to make. Today is my birthday; I'm 24.
     
  • 56
    Posts
    17
    Years
    • Seen Oct 19, 2013
    Well, to not beat a dead horse, let me not repeat what the others so far have said.

    It's a much richer start than before and now you add intrigue to the fact thatt four trainers are going several ways, with them you increase the number of adventures to revealin all of their lives.

    The one thing i will say that's been said before is that i prefered the Trainers Four title more... adds to the suspese. But that's nothing a good, friendly pm to a mod wont fix... ;)

    Happy Birthday, Tigs!

    L@er!
     

    Feathing

    Water Gym Master
  • 252
    Posts
    16
    Years
    Well, you're quite good at this!
    I liked Josephine (I like red-haired girls so :P)
    And the fact that she begins the adventure later than the other guys and also travels to another place is quite interesting!
    I hope you to write the entire story and, btw, you can comment my oneshot too XD

    Good work!!!
     
  • 3,046
    Posts
    15
    Years
    • Seen May 11, 2016
    Happy belated birthday! =D

    It all began one pleasant summer morning in the peaceful little community of Pallet Town.

    The town of Pallet was relatively small in comparison to the other cities and townships in Kanto.

    This was an odd transition. What began in the peaceful town of Pallet?

    Professor Oak was one of the most highly regarded Pokémon researchers in the world.

    The transition from the first paragraph to this sentence was. . Non existent. It was just a really quick, odd change.

    He had won the Kanto region's Indigo League – a tournament held every five years at the furthest point north-west in Kanto – twice and has dedicated his life to the study of Pokémon, their habitats, lifestyles and interactions with their trainers.

    As for this, ". . . Indigo League - a tournament . . . - twice and has . . ..", instead, I'd say to put the 'twice' right after 'League', instead of after the hyphens.

    Their journeys would usually start by travelling north to Viridian City, as it was the closest city to Pallet, and the only city accessible by foot.

    Traveling is spelled with one 'l'.

    His tiny body was brown in colour, with creamy coloured neck fur and his face wore a hardened, serious expression.

    This sentence has bad flow to it. I think 'and' was sort of unnecessary and a different transitional phrase could have been used. That, or possibly a comma or a semi-colon, maybe.

    "No problem. In fact, I would have done it myself even if you hadn't asked," replied Eevee, whose facial expression matched his personality.

    Woah! Eevee can talk!? O.o I hope this is explained later on or you gunna get it. =P

    "Why did you do that??!!"

    I'm highly against using more than one punctuation mark, unless it's a period.

    She had green eyes, which most of the time were quite warm. But right now, they gave a savage look.

    This could've used some re-writing. Maybe something like "Her normally bright green eyes were now savage and angry" or something of the like.

    Placing her digital watch on the wrist of her left arm, she headed down the hall.

    I think the word 'after' should be placed before the word 'placing'.

    Of course! My Pokédex, Pokémon and Pokéballs… how could I forget…? Josephine mentally slapped herself for forgetting such a simple thing.

    You spelled Poké Balls wrong here.

    Just before the two sisters set off, Josephine gave her mother one last farewell hug; tears flowed freely.

    The semi-colon seems to be used incorrectly here. Instead, a comma would've sufficed just fine.

    Their eyes were shining brightly, the sisters were smiling and they both felt thrilled to be getting their first Pokémon partner.

    This sentence was awkwardly worded to me. But that might just be me.

    "I hear scepticism in your voice, Rachel. Take a look if you want to be sure," Professor Oak replied and casually gestured at the table on which he'd placed the spheres.

    I always thought it was spelled 'skepticism'. Oh, well, that might just be the American version I'm using.

    "'kay," the red haired teen answered. "I'll take care of Natalie, until we have to separate. I've got things figured out."

    Despite the ' at the beginning of 'okay', you'll still need to capitalized the 'k'. .

    For a moment, Josephine stared at the boy's all-blue attire wondering if he was related to Misty Waterflower.

    I do so hope you don't mean Misty of Cerulean Gym. . Her last name isn't Waterflower.

    "This is Lydia, my Lerrow."

    So. . That's an original Pokémon?

    Her past of bitten body parts was behind her and her future lay in the new, mind-blowing world of Beklan and Josephine just couldn't wait to get there and carve her mark!

    There really shouldn't be an exclamation mark at the end of this, for the fact that it looks unprofessional. The reader should know that Josephine is excited and they shouldn't need the exclamation point to tell them that.


    Other than the aforementioned, I liked reading it, though it's not the best. Of course, I'm not big on reading, so. . >.> There were a few parts that seemed rushed and some parts could've used more description, like just saying that Professor Oak nodded his head and nothing else. I got bored at some parts (mostly toward the beginning with Eevee), but, other than that, it was pretty good.


    These characters were relatable and I really like Paul, he makes me snicker.


    Also, sorry it took so long for me to review. I've already explained the reasons and I hope forgiveness is in order. =]
     

    BHwolfgang

    kamikorosu
  • 3,906
    Posts
    15
    Years
    I'm sorry for not giving you any good suggestions like the rest, but they seemed to beat me to it.

    Oh yeah, happy late-birthday!
     

    bobandbill

    one more time
  • 16,945
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    Well, you asked me to take a look; other people got here before me, but I'll comment anyway now I have time to return to reviews/betas for now.

    It was, I'll say, a decent start - for the most part it didn't appear to be rushed (I'll mention when it did), and there were some nice description in there as well. Occasionally I felt not every single detail had to be brought up, but it didn't really detract from the opening chapter here. Characters generally were introduced decently as well, and besides the talking Eevee...talking, it did actually seem like-able and decently portrayed... Eevee as a starter Pokemon decently done, have to say.

    But anyway. Onwards to quotes galore!
    First off, something ShinjisLover said:
    Traveling is spelled with one 'l'.
    Actually, I believe that as Tigrerra does not use the American English, then her usage of 'travelling' was correct. There's a fair few words that differ due to that - like, as you also mentioned, 'scepticism/skepticism'. Problems from different 'Englishes' strikes again!
    As the sun started to show its face, the citizens of Pallet began waking and moving around. The sun played across the brick-red façade of one house, which was located towards the entrance of town. A ray of light shone through a window in its second story, as a teenaged girl named Josephine Harris woke up yawning. While thinking about the day ahead of her, she lay in her bed for a few extra minutes.
    Ok, here, you started off by mentioning the sun appearing... then the sun continuing to rise...and then a ray of light (from the sun) going through the window... it's nice but I felt it to be overdone a touch there, myself.
    Josephine is a red haired girl, who is not especially tall and is of an average build. She also has assumed the responsibility of the oldest child in what is now a family of two children and two adults.
    Suddenly it sounded like that you were explaining her to us as the narrator, jumping into the story rather than what you did with the rest of the chapter - interrupts the flow, tbh. Try integrating it more into the story without making it sound like you're telling us this - the 'is' is the main culprit, for instance.
    The girl had been born into a rich family as the third child of four. As with all of the other children in Pallet, she'd studied at the Pokémon Trainers' Academy. However, instead of beginning her journey at the minimum legal age, she chose to hang around Professor Oak's lab for four years, studying about the different types of Pokémon.

    At the same time, Josephine knew she had a disadvantage because she would be on the skill level of ten-year-olds whilst the trainers her age had stronger Pokémon and a ton of road-gained experience. Thus, she anticipated being embarrassed because the only people she could battle were four years younger than her.
    Hmm... again, usage of the 'studying with professors to learn' idea again - the problem here is that I don't see much of a reason to why she did that, given that after stating that it was merely to 'study about the different types of Pokemon' (which she'd probably learn about during battling anyway and all, I suppose), she then lists the negatives and seems rather worried about it - begging the question from me on why she would do such a thing, really. =/

    Sure, I can see it working myself, and if one wants to get canon-rific, then there was the trainer school in Pokemon Colosseum with some older-than-ten students there, but then that is the region of Orre after all which is vastly different to Kanto, and atm I'm not entirely convinced by her choice. =/ Could use a bit more, IMO, but that's me.
    "Forgive me for this, Ho-oh, but I've got a lazy girl who won't even get off her behind.
    Bloody hell, Josephine, wake up!" Seeing that he got no reaction, Eevee's eyes narrowed and an evil sort of smirk appeared on his face, as he said, "Bugger you, kid, I'll wake you up myself."

    After saying that, the Pokémon bared his teeth, jumped onto the girl's bed and tore off the covers with his paws. He then bit the teen, hard. A split-second later, the teenaged girl sat straight up and attempted to stop the flow of blood, while shrieking loudly. Eventually she stopped the blood flow and then glared at Eevee who had woken her up.
    If I were Ho-oh, I'd be smiting that Eevee right now for being way over-the top. =/

    Now sure - Pokemon probably aren't going to be the best at waking up people, but I feel that having that Eevee go as far as to draw blood by biting the person hard as unnecessary and kinda questionable. Even if it had, say violent tendencies, as then I'd be question why they keep it as a 'family pet' or didn't try to do something about it (and being a family pet it probably should know the people by now). This incident hasn't anything done about it by Josephine either, besides a bit of moaning about it. =/

    Just feels a bit questionable, really, and doubt it really needs it's screen time. If shouting doesn't work, then sitting on the person's face would certainly be enough, and would be reason enough for her to complain about it as well, for instance. Easy alternative there, and probably a few other ways to go about it without the whole drawing-blood thing.
    "Yeah, right. If I could have gotten any Pokémon, it would have been a Dragonite." Josephine said, thinking out loud.
    "Don't be stupid, you couldn't control a Dragonite right now – you're too inexperienced and besides, Dragonite are so powerful, there are rumours saying that it is almost a legendary. Anyway, we have to get downstairs and get ready for your journey." Eevee informed a now calmed down Josephine.
    "You make it sound like Pokémon Training Academy. But I know that this journey is going to be a lot better. Okay, let's go." Josephine said, smiling at the family pet.
    Three errors here in a row - for some reason, there's full stops there, when given the fact the parts after the dialogue flows on and joins with the dialogue, commas should be used instead.
    The red haired teen then checked to ensure that her bright red and yellow backpack with the insignia of a Poké Ball on the side was packed.

    Her sister was a red haired, hazel-eyed delight named Natalie.
    Mix it up a tad more - 'red haired' had been mentioned earlier one as well, IIRC, and twice here in to paragraphs to describe two people is a bit much and repetitive.
    "Alright, I'll see you later, guys."
    Since she referred to them as 'guys', I feel a comma is necessary there before it...?
    Just before the two sisters set off, Josephine gave her mother one last farewell hug; tears flowed freely.
    Have to agree with ShinjisLover here in particular - sometimes sentences do feel a bit ill-worded, and here's a prime example - a bit choppy, really.
    It was a two-story ivory edifice that had a maroon roof which, from the top, allowed one to view the landscape as far as the eye could see.
    Sure, edifice is a perfectly correct word to use, although I feeling it's needlessly thrown in when there a simpler words to use... =/ After all, not all of you readers would know that word, methinks. Then again, it's not that hard to tell what you mean... [/rambling].
    I've always been a fan of the Charmander evolution line, she thought. They look awesome, and Charizard rules. What more could one want?
    It's rather hard to argue with that logic. XD

    Random note - although I don't mind, out of a bit of comedy, for her sister to end up getting a shiny, I'd question why a Caterpie was given out when it's not one of the common starters. =/ Sure, maybe Anna took the bulbasaur, but quite possibly there could have been more than one to give out given they are the norm, and if it's the case that there was no other Pokemon to give, it does seem a bit like the whole Ash-and-a-Pikachu incident. =/ Again, might well be negated by the sister rather than Josphine getting it, but something I found a bit iffy nonetheless - especially if then she will also play major parts of the story, having parts involve solely her... probably minor however.
    The researcher nodded in appreciation. "You're welcome, Natalie. Now, while I've got you and your sister here, Josephine, I'd like to inform you that you've been invited to the region of Beklan by Professor Maria Banksia. Natalie, on the other hand, has been recruited – so to speak – by Professor Yew of the Corei region."
    This seems a bit impromptu, and out of the blue, tbh. Suddenly, they get to go to another region, because they were invited. Now, I don't mind that as an excuse all that much, but as is it also seems a bit lacking. Why, for instance, would this/these professor/s want starting trainers begin in their region like so - I don't believe that's explained here. If it is to be, then allude to the fact that it may come, or show the characters wondering why that's the case, or so forth.

    Also - things now started to move a tad quickly. They celebrated and caught a bus to Vermillion (which isn't that close by) - although I don't believe they knew there was a bus waiting for them either after being told about this as well. Maybe expand on that part then, explaining a bit more - after all, all of a sudden, they aren't going to travel Kanto but another region altogether - they seem to take this a bit too well, tbh.
    "Hi there, you two!" The Lerrow acknowledged in a delighted tone.
    Should be a small 't' there.
    "Oh god!" Raphael moaned and dragged his left hand down his face. "You, Josephine, are the cousin of a revered Leader here in Kanto. I'm going to leave it up to you to work out which one. And I'm here because I'm your guide in the Beklan region."
    ...yeah, she is? I first wondered if I someone forgot or skipped some vital information, and still do, actually. =/ This is the first mention of such a thing - a feel then that it probably should have been raised earlier so it doesn't appear to come out of nowhere. And it seems she doesn't know this - this I also question, given that Gym Leaders are pretty big things in the world of Pokemon. =/
    As the ship drew nearer to Cheltin Town's Docks, the girl's reflections on how the invitation from Professor Maria Banksia had started her journey to and in Beklan came to a close causing her to stir slowly.
    Run-on sentence, and also confusing - needs at least some punctuation there (commas and the like), although personally I'd advise re-wording so what you say is clearer and easier to understand.

    Drawing to a close, I will also mention the case of....THE TALKING EEVEE. *insert dramatic music here*. Now, as I mentioned I did like the characterisation of him; yet, I do feel that having him speak with no reason at all a bit grating, and distracting. Maybe his human 'family' can understand him given they probably know him for a while now - in that case I'd wonder if they could understand everything, but at least get the basic gist out of it. Or maybe something else - there are a few ways around it. However there's no allusions to such an explanation, let alone one at all, and I feel that Eevee would be more of a realistic character if you backed it up. I find it fun to read what the Pokemon says exactly for the audience to understand, but without back up it does seem that he's talking English like it's nothing. =/

    In general - it decent, although some parts can use a polish-up, and some slight expansion so that everything is covered and all. Again also watch to make sure that your sentences do make total sense and are quite clear.

    Finally and off-handedly - I noticed that Paul now has 'Johnson' as a surname, and is the son of a Police officer. Could help but think of Officer Johnson in Pokemon Colosseum then - any resemblance or just amusing luck? XD The thought of Johnson being a father is kinda amusing...

    *hopes he didn't miss anything that came to mind*
     
  • 716
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    Thanks for the reviews everyone, and also for the belated birthday wishes. I've fixed the majority of issues ShinjisLover and bobandbill brought up, but as I'm a little under pressure this morning, I will work on the rest of them later today.

    Edit: It'll have to be tomorrow now. Things got out of hand today.
     

    The Wave

    Something to believe in....
  • 1,523
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    • Seen Aug 25, 2016
    I like it so far, good work on it! I'm only wondering why Eevee can talk, but I guess you'll make an explanation later. Keep the work up.
     
  • 716
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    Thank you for the review, Wave. I can call you that, can't I? An explanation for why Eevee can talk is given in Chapter 2. Again, thanks for finding the time to drop by.
     

    The Wave

    Something to believe in....
  • 1,523
    Posts
    16
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    • Seen Aug 25, 2016
    Of course you can call me Wave. *Points at user title*

    And you're welcome.
     

    Breezy

    Eee.
  • 454
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    19
    Years
    Thanks for the nice VM. >_>

    I will tell you why I chose to view and not reply. Not to sound harsh (it will sound harsh though) but there really wasn't anything interesting enough for me to keep my attention. You have all your cliches. Generic girl waking up, generic girl getting ready (miniskirt included), generic girl getting breakfast -- cereal of course; anything else would be too wild -- generic girl saying a rushed and hurried goodbye to parents, generic girl going to lab, generic girl finding out that she's special by being picked to travel unknown region out of a dozen trainers. Oh, and talking eevee. Eevees are pretty rare, you know, so I really doubt there are enough to be thrown around and be labeled the "family pet". Yeah, yeah, explained later and whatnot.

    You list. You tell. You rarely show. This is obvious in the beginning (I pointed it out in my nitpick segment). And when you do tell, it's unimportant to the actual plot that you didn't really need to spend two or three paragraphs explaining it anyway. One to two sentences would have sufficed.
    The town of Pallet was relatively small in comparison to the other cities and townships in Kanto. Most of the houses were built from wood, with the exception of a row of brick houses on the eastern boundary of town which belonged to the families with too much money.
    So random. Why mention it here when there was no reason to? Why not mention it when the girls are on their way to the lab? And instead of TELLING us the setting, try showing it instead. ...Yeah, I'm going to go on a SHOW not TELL tangent because that's one of your major problems.

    EXAMPLE: As Josephine and Natalie stepped out of their cozy, two story home, Josephine took one final look at the small town with a sweep of her eyes. Pallet was never known to be a tourist attraction with its simple wooden houses, but Josephine was still proud to call it her hometown all the same. A wind whipped through the air, running through her hair and toward the thick oaks that bordered the city, causing the leaves to rustle restlessly. She flattened the grass scattered with dandelions with her boots before making her way to the curved, concrete path that lead to the lab.

    Josephine worries me in terms of characterization. First she gets an eevee (and a sassy one at that >_>) that she apparently didn't want anyway, seems to be arbitrarily picked to go to some unknown region, and is related to some revered leader in Kanto. This is blinking Mary Sue in my eyes. While of course you can redeem her character and give her faults in later chapters, I want you to be aware of this.

    In terms of her personality ... Well, she doesn't really have one. She's generic, like I said earlier. Kind of happy and ... bland; nothing really sets her apart from other characters in other stories with the same basic trainer story premise. Again, you have chances in later chapters to give her a set personality.

    Anyway.

    Nitpicking.
    Four trainers' journeys began one pleasant summer morning in the peaceful little community of Pallet Town.

    The town of Pallet was relatively small in comparison to the other cities and townships in Kanto. Most of the houses were built from wood, with the exception of a row of brick houses on the eastern boundary of town which belonged to the families with too much money.

    Professor Oak was one of the most highly regarded Pokémon researchers in the world. He had won the Kanto region's Indigo League twice and has dedicated his life to the study of Pokémon, their habitats, lifestyles and interactions with their trainers. Since he was always known as the most renowned Pokémon expert in the entire world, the citizens of Pallet Town had always considered it an honour that he has continued to work in his home. Visitors felt that Professor Oak's Pokémon laboratory was the only real attraction in the town in that it wasn't so much a tourist attraction, but more a place where interesting Pokémon events and discoveries occurred.
    I'm trying to understand the importance of listing boring, unnecessary things about Pallet Town, especially with a hook of "four trainers began their journey". You start us off like you're going to write about the characters, then give us setting in a block of undescriptive, uninteresting text.

    Oh, and then we jump to Professor Oak for no reason. There was no transition from Pallet Town to the professor. What is the importance of this? And if it is important, why couldn't you DESCRIBE Professor Oak in a scene where it would make more sense? Like when the girls come up to meet Professor Oak for example.

    Josephine is a red haired girl, who is not especially tall and is of an average build. She also has assumed the responsibility of the oldest child in what is now a family of two children and two adults.
    bobandbill already commented on this, but this is blunt and doesn't flow with your description. With that said, why are you telling me her description here of all places? More importantly why are you telling me this instead of showing me it? You could have EASILY embedded Josephine's description with some sort of action. In fact, here's an example:
    Half an hour later, Josephine inspected herself in her mirror. Her wet hair now had a hair tie around it, creating a pony-tail look. Her outfit consisted of a bright red sleeveless top and a sky-blue miniskirt. Brown boots adorned her feet and black sunglasses had been placed over her eyes.

    EXAMPLE: Half an hour later, Josephine inspected herself in the mirror, her wet, red hair tied up in a ponytail. She then examined her lean frame, her bright red sleeveless top hugging at her curves and her blue miniskirt revealing her lightly tanned legs and brown boots. Her bright green eyes blinked back at her in the mirror's reflection as she gave a small smile at her appearance, reaching down and grabbing a pair of black sunglasses.

    That being said, you don't even have to put it in one block like that. Don't be afraid to spread character description out; the reader isn't going to panic if you don't IMMEDIATELY tell us what the character looks like.

    "Josephine! If you don't get out of bed right now and come downstairs, then Eevee will have to go up there and wake you up!!" shouted a middle-aged woman. She had pale red hair, with green eyes that were brimming with impatience. The woman wore a black and white striped polo shirt and fading blue three-quarter pants. This was Fiona Harris, mother of a trainer-to-be.
    Again, this goes back to your blunt way of telling the reader description rather than showing it. And, AGAIN, why are you telling me the description of the character now instead of during the scene where the mother is present?
    "No problem. In fact, I would have done it myself even if you hadn't asked," replied Eevee, whose facial expression matched his personality.
    Um, what facial expression?

    Uh ... This:
    A ray of light shone through a window in its second story, as a teenaged girl named Josephine Harris woke up yawning. While thinking about the day ahead of her, she lay in her bed for a few extra minutes.
    contrasts with this:
    After saying that, the Pokémon bared his teeth, jumped onto the girl's bed and tore off the covers with his paws. He then turned and began swishing his fluffy tail in her face. A split-second later, the teenaged girl sat straight up and then glared at Eevee who had woken her up.
    She was already awake. Either tell the reader that she fell asleep again or the mother sent Eevee to drag her butt out of bed instead of waking her up.

    "Thank you, Professor," the duo replied, at the same time feeling overjoyed that they had gotten here. Their eyes were shining brightly, the sisters were smiling and they both felt thrilled to be getting their first Pokémon partner. However, Josephine was unaware that she would have to wait a few days before she received her starter.
    ...? Why are you mentioning this here? If you're trying to foreshadow something, you don't really make it so bluntly stated lol. I don't think it's necessary to add that in here anyway.

    As the Professor picked up three spheres, Rachel noticed that on the right hand side ball there was the image of a leaf imprinted on it, on the middle orb the image of a flame, and on the left sphere nothing ...

    ... I've always been a fan of the Charmander evolution line, she thought. They look awesome, and Charizard rules. What more could one want?
    You're switching perspectives on us for no reason, especially to a supporting/secondary character. I don't really care what Rachel thinks; it's Josephine that the reader is more interested in.

    "Who said anything about us, Rachel?" Paul demanded. "Josephine has the right idea. I'm so outta here. Later!"
    ... Yeah, I've read that conversation about three times to make sure, and no one mentioned anything about an "us". So he's right in that statement, but not in the way he's implying.

    A look of surprise crossed Raphael's face. "You're wondering what I'm doing here?" Shaking his head in mock disappointment, he added, "Honestly, I thought that you at least, Josephine, would've known why I was here. I guess they're dormant."
    Nothing before this quote indicated that Josephine was wondering why this guy was here. I'm not sure what you mean by I guess they're "dormant" either. o_O Foreshadowing or a weird way of saying she's stupid?

    As the ship grew nearer to Cheltin Town's Dock, the girl's reflection on how the invitation from Professor Maria Banksia has started her journey to and in Beklan came to a close causing her to stir slowly.
    When did we get to Cheltin Town? You transitioned from telling Natalie goodbye at Vermillion (or Saffron, somewhere) to some random town that no one knows about. This is a confusing sentence as well.

    As the ship grew nearer to Cheltin Town's Dock, the girl's reflection on how the invitation from Profesor Maria Banksia and how it started her journey in Beklan came to a close, causing her to stir slowly.

    Even then, that really makes no sense either. When did Josephine begin reflecting in the first place? o_O

    This entire part was rushed, like you were thinking, "OH CRAP, gotta get her to the boat! I'll throw together two lines and that will suffice, right?" No, it won't. Take your time with this scene. This is a LIFE CHANGING scene. She's leaving a region she's become accustom with to some unknown territory that she knows nothing about.

    And it's ridiculous. She's going to go to some region she knows NOTHING ABOUT without reading up on it and believing some stranger she just met on what a great, little region it is? o_O Is this girl really that naive? That stupid? Common sense wise, no one in their right mind is going to go somewhere without knowing SOMETHING about it.

    It's not bad, I guess. Kind of a "meh" start. Your way of "telling" the reader things instead of describing it is your major problem along with tweaking Josephine's character so she can strive away from "generic" and be something, well, interesting (and not a Mary Sue either).
     
    Last edited:
  • 3,046
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    • Seen May 11, 2016
    There's only one thing wrong with Breezy's review.

    You're switching perspectives on us for no reason, especially to a supporting/secondary character. I don't really care what Rachel thinks; it's Josephine that the reader is more interested in.

    Really, this is a third-person perspective story, so there's not a problem with her switching around the perspectives and getting into the minds of other people.
     

    Breezy

    Eee.
  • 454
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    19
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    ShinjisLover said:
    Really, this is a third-person perspective story, so there's not a problem with her switching around the perspectives and getting into the minds of other people.
    Well, yeah, but then again:
    Breezy said:
    ...especially to a supporting/secondary character.
    And from the looks of it, it doesn't seem like Rachel is going to play a major role either. It seems like a one second thing, and something unimportant to the actual plot that there really is no need for the reader to know what random secondary character is thinking. There really was no reasoning to switch perspective on us, nor did she really stick with Rachel's (or Paul's) perspective long enough for the reader to care.

    Plus, couldn't she say that out loud instead of confusing perspective? o_O

    *shrug* Not that it really matter because yeah, she can do that (as long as she's not writing in third-person limited). Just seemed unnecessary as I was originally trying to establish by pointing that out.
     
  • 716
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    A big thanks goes out to ShinjisLover for helping out with and beta-ing this chapter.

    Chapter 2: Royal Blues

    To the far east of the Beklan region stands the majestic Zenith City, capital citadel to the region. Nestled deep in the forbidding eastern Beklan mountains and partially concealed by the chilly cirrus clouds, this stone capital's crown jewel was a fantastic castle, not unlike those of fantasy told before. Standing the test of time, warfare and more, Zenith Castle was the home to the royal family of the land, the Regans, along with their servants and advisors.

    With guards and sentries rounding the borders and walkways, it seemed that it would be impossible to enter without permission.

    "Are you sure there's nothing we can do?" the youngest girl asked from across the large, dining room table. Her mother, Eleanor, had no reply. The azure haired princess looked to the side and at Arthur, waiting for an answer. Victoria's uniform had largely the same scheme as her mother's; the only exception was that it was adorned with a pattern invocative of deadly beauty in bright red. It was these crimson clothes that indicated the eleven-year-old's desire to be an officer in the cavalry one day.

    "There's nothing you can do," Arthur replied, his fourteen-year-old face creasing in annoyance. The truth was plain and simple; he was tired of being bossed around by his sister and parents. He didn't want to do the boring political work they forced upon him. When the emerald haired prince looked up, it was clear to see he was dressed in navy-blue clothing and an amethyst coloured cape. This was held together by an expensive gold chain, the cloak of which was draped over his shoulders.

    "It won't be so bad, Arthur," the cerulean haired Eleanor tried to convince him. She was determined, but not as much as Arthur was. She was dressed in a white long-sleeved uniform adorned with a cold geometric pattern that embellished an R-shape on her front, the collar scraping gently below her rather gaunt jaw.

    Arthur had had enough. "No!" He raised his voice as he slammed his fist down on the table. He rose swiftly, his royal cape flowing around him. The other hand fished a Poké Ball from an inner pocket and he held it close to him. This is it, old friend. It's time, he thought.

    Eleanor sat in her chair, upset at Arthur's behaviour. "No worries, Mother," Victoria tried to comfort her mother. "He'll come around eventually." The guards were able to overhear everything that had gone on.

    "Out of my way," Arthur commanded firmly, as the guards tried to block him from leaving. "Move or else!"

    "I'm sorry, Arthur, but it's our duty to keep you from leaving!" One of the guards shouted as he continued to block Arthur from leaving. Both guards were clad in the red armour that was representative of the royal military.

    Don't make me resort to using my Pokémon, the royal teen thought.

    "Did you hear that?" Eleanor asked Victoria.

    Victoria stood up, looking out the window. She watched as the guards tried to stop Arthur from leaving the royal palace. It's all in vain, she thought, he'll get through.

    A scream was heard then, but Arthur couldn't be bothered looking back. The guards had tried to stop him, and they had paid the price. Fragments of ice littered the palace's front grounds.

    Victoria held back a slight gasp. "What happened?" Eleanor asked. Victoria said nothing and simply walked away from the window. The guards were injured, but she knew it would happen.

    An advisor came in at the most inappropriate time. He was a tall, bald and dishonest-looking man in his thirties wearing a blue-collared shirt as well as black trousers. His sky-blue eyes peered out from under his thin, black eyebrows. "Your Highness?" he asked. "Should I send the cavalry after him?"

    "There's nothing that can be done. Just let him go. For now," she replied, looking toward the ground in deep contemplation.

    The advisor bowed. "As you wish, Your Highness."

    "Mother… will he really be okay?" Victoria questioned, looking up.

    Eleanor paused for a moment, before finally speaking up, "… we can only hope."


    Back in Cheltin Town…

    Raphael looked over to Josephine who had situated herself just to the left of the ship with himself on the right. "So, Josephine…" he started, trailing off.

    "Huh? Oh, what?" she answered, clearly distracted. The Harris' family pet, a serious natured Eevee, had insisted on coming with the fourteen-year-old as she travelled around Beklan. His scampering around her feet at the current moment may have been what was distracting her.

    Raphael warily eyed the Eevee, making sure he didn't get bitten. "Err… Do you want…? Do you want me to show you around town?" he asked hopefully.

    "Okay," she responded simply, motioning for Eevee to follow them.

    "I know what you're doing, pal," the fox growled.

    Raphael backed away slightly from the Eevee, keeping his distance from both him and Josephine. "Where would you like to go first, Josephine?" he asked.

    "Eevee, stop it!" Josephine reprimanded her second in line Pokémon. "Can't you see you're scaring him?" Even now, with familiarity to the fox's habits and all of that, she still doubted her mother's snap decision to just dump the Evolution Pokémon with her. "I'd like to see Professor Banksia."

    "Okay, Professor Banksia it is," Raphael agreed. Once Josephine had her head turned, Raphael shot Eevee a smug look.

    The fox Pokémon glared at the Lerrow trainer, as a plan formulated in his mind. His brown eyes seemed to brighten in an evil way as they narrowed in concentration.

    Raphael wasn't sure what Eevee was planning, but he knew it wasn't good. Still, he brushed it off and started to lead Josephine to Professor Banksia's lab.

    "Stop that Firkit!" A voice yelled out to the two trainers. A small crimson cheetah barrelled towards them, as if it was trying to escape from somewhere.

    Raphael grunted, "So what? Lerrow! Let's get this going! No playing around!" Lerrow screeched toward the sky and rushed straight at Firkit, leaving a white trail behind it. The Leaf Sparrow tried to strike the Fire type, but his efforts were in vain as the cheetah was more agile.

    "Let me help!" Josephine called. "Eevee, Lerrow requires your assistance."

    "Raphael Blackwood!" the voice called. "You should know better. Have you forgotten that as a Grass type, Lerrow are weak to Fire attacks?"

    To prove the aide's point, a barrage of red embers were at that instant released from the cheetah's mouth, striking the Grass affiliated bird hard.

    Raphael waited to see Eevee's reaction, sure he would refuse. "Lerrow, hold Firkit off!" He called.

    As Eevee rushed by Raphael, he stuck his tongue out at the trainer. "You fool," he snarled. "Fire always beats Grass. Will you ever learn?"

    "Shut up and prove to me that you're better then," Raphael sneered.

    "Fine," Eevee replied, just as arrogantly, his upper lip curling in spite. "I will." With that, he tackled the small Fire type cheetah relentlessly, his attacks wearing her down bit by bit.

    Lerrow and Raphael watched on as the Eevee pummelled his opponent.

    Just as the female Firkit looked ready to keel over from exhaustion, both Josephine and the aide ordered that that was enough. The aide offered the teen a Poké Ball, but she declined, showing him her small collection. Looking back at the weakened Fire type, the crimson haired girl declared "She's mine!" as she threw a sphere at the cheetah. The orb closed around the panting Pokémon and a simple ping was heard, indicating a successful capture.

    Raphael looked to the ground, upset that he was shown up by the Eevee. Still, he tried not to let it bother him.

    "Who's the fool now?" Eevee snorted. His plan had worked; he had beaten some humility into the conceited boy.

    Raphael turned his head away from the Eevee, not wanting him to see his reddened face.

    "So where is this Professor Banksia, Raphael?" Josephine asked, glancing down at Eevee and congratulating him for a job well done.

    "Just follow me; I know where she is by heart," Raphael said confidently, leading Josephine to Professor Banksia.

    Josephine and Eevee followed Raphael as he led them to a huge burgundy coloured building which looked suspiciously like the lab. The aide trailed behind them, pocketing the unneeded Poké Ball.

    "Well, here we are," Raphael smiled, placing his hands on his hips.

    The red haired teen shrugged, as if to say "Where's the Professor?"

    Raphael looked at her with a dense look on his face.

    "Oh! Right, she's doing some research somewhere around here," the boy answered, looking into the sky and tapping his finger on his chin.

    Eevee, growing impatient with the humans' rambling on, took it upon himself to go look for the Professor.

    Raphael had noticed Eevee rushing off, but decided not to say anything, "I'm sure the Professor wouldn't mind if we went in the lab to wait."

    As the fox's brown eyes searched for any trace of a white-clad human, he hadn't noticed that he ran deeper and deeper into the thin forest in front of him. Suddenly, he brought himself to a halt as he saw the Professor caring for an unusual Pokémon.

    It was a monstrous dinosaur-like Pokémon, the majority of it being green in colour. Its massive size and nature combined with the fact that its body had various spikes jutting out made it look awesome; one spike on either side of the head, a hook-like beak for a mouth, three spikes on the right hand side of its back, and a white-trimmed green shell which was home to a lush green tree made the creature seem even more intimidating.

    After the Professor looked up to see who had arrived, Eevee signalled with his head that her presence was required back at the laboratory.

    "Thank you, Eevee," she replied. Patting the Torterra, she said goodbye to the massive tortoise-like creature and started walking back to the lab.

    "Here she is," Eevee growled at the boy, as he came hurrying back, not wanting to be left behind.

    "You found the Professor?" Raphael asked, surprised.

    "Yep," the fox answered, sneering up at the boy.

    The wind blew up in a fury, blowing Raphael's hair around his face. "Whoa! What's all this now?!" he asked, trying to see past the wind.

    Josephine had to brace herself and Eevee voluntarily returned to his sphere by himself as the wind kept blowing.

    "Who are you?" asked a voice coming from the wind. A tall figure approached them, donned in a white lab coat. She was dressed in a long white lab coat, not unlike that of Professor Oak's, and her long sea green hair was done up in a ponytail. Black boots protected her feet.

    "Professor Banksia!" the aide called. "These people are Josephine and Raphael."

    Her white lab coat flicked around her body until the wind started to die down. She flicked back a bit of loose hair and walked up to Raphael and Josephine.

    "My name is Josephine Harris, but you should know that, Professor. After all, it was you who invited me here," Josephine answered.

    "Ah, yes, I remember you," she replied.

    "Professor, this young girl was able to subdue Firkit," the aide broke in. "And catch her as well," he added.

    "Really? Impressive. Which Pokémon did you use?" Professor Banksia asked Josephine.

    "The family pet, Eevee," she responded.

    "May I see this Eevee of yours?" Professor Banksia asked.

    "Sure thing," the chestnut haired teen replied, and brought Eevee out of his sphere.

    The Professor looked down at the Pokémon, eying it intensely.

    "So am I worthy of keeping Firkit?" Josephine questioned, glancing briefly at the orb which now held her starter.

    "It's hard to judge; this Eevee doesn't look like much, but he did take down a Pokémon I'd assume to be more powerful than himself," Banksia said, deeply in thought.

    "I plan on him evolving into a Leafeon," she countered.

    "Is that so?" she asked. "Well, there is a Moss Rock in New Viridian Forest."

    "Oh, I've heard of that," Raphael chimed in, as if he had nothing better to say.

    Oh wow, the chestnut haired girl thought happily. Her dream of obtaining a Leafeon would finally come true! Perhaps now she was worthy of receiving Firkit, but she knew she would have to ask again. "Firkit would compliment and cover Leafeon's weakness perfectly. Don't you agree, Professor?"

    "Well, you'll still have to worry about Poison-types," Banksia informed.

    "That's why I'm going to catch a Sandshrew," she responded. "As well as a Water type."

    "Good luck. It's rather hard to find Sandshrew around here," Banksia said, knowing she'd been trying to find a Sandshrew for the past month. "They always seem to hide."

    "Please, just let me receive Firkit," Josephine begged, badly wanting to own the Fire type. It was a Harris tradition to start with Fire type Pokemon. As her impatience showed itself, she began tapping her right foot on the ground.

    "Hmm… Well… Oh, all right," Banksia said, letting Josephine have the Firkit.

    "Here, I'll give you Scarlet's ball so that she can be healed and then I can get going. Thanks for the show around, Raphael," Josephine answered, thanking both the Professor and the other trainer.

    "No problem. Will I see you around?" Raphael asked.

    The Professor quickly went inside and placed Firkit's orb on the healing machine. After a few beeps, she went back outside with the Poké Ball in her hand. She gave it back to Josephine, who happily accepted it.

    "Thanks, Professor. Probably not," she answered.

    Raphael looked to the ground.

    "Just remember to have fun, Josephine," Banksia encouraged.

    I sure will, the chestnut haired girl thought, as she waved goodbye to the Professor. She set forth, through the hilly countryside, heading for New Viridian City.


    Meanwhile, Paul was preparing to train his Squirtle, whom he had nicknamed Kaiman. He hadn't walked more than a few hundred meters away from the entrance of Route 1 when he was stopped in his path by a sound coming from a nearby bush. At first, the sound was a low, low rumble. As the Pokémon crept closer, the low rumble began to slowly turn into a growl. Taking a step backwards Paul braced himself, whispering to Kaiman. "You ready for a battle?"

    Kaiman answered with "I was born ready!" Suddenly, a Pokémon leapt out of the bushes, causing Paul to do a double take. He stopped and stared at the Pokémon before snickering.

    "What do you two want?" the rat-like Rattata growled at Paul as it stood in his way on the path. Its short purple and white fur was bristled up, making it appear larger than it really was; its body was quivering as it growled at him, its fangs bared.

    "Darn, I was expecting something exciting. Still, if you can actually knock it out before it runs off this time we might have a chance of defeating it!" Paul said excitedly, remembering the few Pokémon battles he and Kaiman had had over the previous half an hour. Most of them had involved him and Kaiman chasing after the Pokémon as it ran away from them, but now it seemed something was finally willing to fight.

    The Rattata charged in at Paul, but found itself quickly blocked by Squirtle's menacing expression.

    "Yo, rat! Don't mess with the master, or else you'll face a world of pain!"

    "Talk it up, turtle! You'd better watch yourself," the purple and white rodent squeaked irately.

    Alright! Let's do this! Paul smirked, thinking to himself. "Kaiman! Go at it!" He yelled, giving permission for the bipedal turtle to leap from his trainer's side, his tiredness forgotten. The Water type and the wild, unusually angry Rattata faced each other down. Paul could tell that Kaiman was thinking just as he was at that moment. The Rattata suddenly began running towards the Squirtle, and the battle had begun.

    "Kaiman, use Tackle!" Paul shouted quickly.

    The aggressive Squirtle obeyed, flinging himself into the tall grass with a snarl – a loud squeak erupted and a battle could be heard amidst the dry vegetation. Kaiman sharpened his nails on a rock and slashed them across the rat's body. The rodent retaliated by lunging forward and tackling the Squirtle.

    Kaiman charged at the small purple Pokémon but the target quickly jumped aside. Rattata turned to taunt Squirtle but it gave the turtle enough time to deliver a hard claw strike. Rattata reacted by tackling Kaiman at full force with its small body, knocking the pure Water Pokémon aside. The bipedal turtle quickly got back up and growled at his purple adversary.

    "Use it again, Kaiman!"

    Squirtle charged in as before, and Rattata jumped out of the way, causing the blue Pokémon's lunge to go off-centre. Undeterred, Kaiman leapt in again, oblivious to the fact that a light brown and off-white blur had sped past him. It was this blur which caused the Rattata to spring out, teeth bared and screeching like a demon. There were deep gashes down its back that seemed to have come from a stronger creature and blood was pouring from the wounds.

    "Ah'd like to thank yah for weakening thah rat for me," came a husky, city-twanged voice.

    Surprised to hear such an accent, Kaiman looked up as what looked like a falcon swooped down with talons outstretched. Agilely leaping to one side, the Squirtle saw that the bird had a golden feathered crest, and a gold and white tail.

    Gathering up the rodent, who quickly perished when the bird's right taloned foot pierced its skull, the Pidgeotto prepared to take flight. Before she left, however, she turned and faced the Water type. "Ah guess ah'll be seeing ya around," she squawked, as she pushed off into the air.

    "I certainly hope not!" Kaiman shouted as the Flying-type's form quickly disappeared.

    "What was all of that about?" Paul asked his self-satisfied Squirtle.

    The Water type shrugged. "Dunno," he answered, feigning that he wasn't interested. "But what I do know is that Pidgeotto robbed me of my battle. She even killed it!"

    Paul rolled his eyes at his starter's slowness and replied in a sarcastically arrogant manner. "Well, duh! She's a bird! Birds kill rodents!"

    Shaking his head slowly, the boy's thoughts turned to why his starter was turning out to be so much like him. In doing that, he failed to take notice of the male Nidoran who'd just shown up, rearing for a fight. He was a light fuchsia coloured creature with a small horn on his head and various spots of dark purple were speckled on his body.

    "Master, how should we take this Nidoran?" Kaiman asked overconfidently, jumping up and down slightly whilst making punching motions in the air.

    "Nidoran? Wha-? Oh! That Nidoran?!" Paul swiftly regained his composure, before flipping open his Pokédex.

    "Nidoran, the Poison Pin Pokémon – a Pokémon of the Poison type. The male scans his surroundings by raising his ears out of the grass. Nidoran's toxic horn is for protection," the device reported.

    "Okay, Kaiman!" Paul began, but was quickly interrupted by snarling noises which were coming from the Poison type.

    "Enough talk, human!" The Nidoran growled in a pitiless voice. "Let's get this on!"

    The vindictive creature then charged forward, his poisonous horn aimed right for Squirtle's left leg.

    As I was saying… Paul thought before issuing a command speedily. "Okay, Kaiman! Be wary of the horn and use Tackle!"

    "As you wish," the turtle answered as sarcastically as his master had done earlier. The bipedal Water type hurriedly rushed in, with no thought for his safety, and rammed headlong into Nidoran. In retaliation, the Poison type jabbed his horn directly into Kaiman's leg.

    Squirtle staggered backwards, his brown eyes contracting, before he fell to the ground. A strange purple hue began spreading up his limb from where the Nidoran's horn had been jabbed. The turtle picked himself up fairly quickly, but Paul realized that something was obviously wrong with his starter. He seemed lethargic and light-headed, not to mention he struggled to stand up and was stumbling about. His eyes became glazed and red, and he had trouble keeping his eyelids open.

    The beginner trainer couldn't risk losing his starter but, at the same time, knew he had to take drastic measures. He returned Kaiman to his Poké Ball and picked another off his belt, before throwing it at the uninjured Pokémon. The male Nidoran was drawn into the Poké Ball with a flash of red energy, and then the orb landed on the ground. It wobbled for a few seconds, but it seemed like hours. Finally the ball clicked shut, emitting a low tone confirming the capture.

    It feels great capturing a new Pokémon, but losing my starter like that…? It defeats the victory of the capture. Is this what all of the trainers who end up with a poisoned Pokémon think?


    At the same time that Paul had captured Bruticus, Rachel was further up on the Route and was occupied in a battle with one of the Route's newest residents. Her Charmander, Kara, was facing off against a sharp-beaked bird with a head full of spiky and thick feathers. Black feathers made a collar around her neck, while her wings were red with pale tips.

    "I do not want to hurt you, little Charmander," the Spearow cawed noisily.

    The female Fire type sniffed, knowing she'd been looked down upon. "You may not want to hurt me," Kara began in an elegantly refined tone. "But I have to battle you, because my mistress wants you on her team."

    "Kara! What are you waiting for?! Scratch the Spearow!" Rachel yelled, her impatience getting the better of her.

    "It seems you will pay the price for your mistress's impulsiveness," the unattractive Flying-type responded, gazing sadly at Kara. "She leaves me no choice."

    As the Charmander bore down on the bird Pokémon, Spearow sidestepped the attack and fiercely began pecking at the Fire type's soft skin. Immobilized under the abrupt assault, Kara could do nothing but close her azure eyes and grunt at the pain.

    "Kara? Kara! Come on, girl, don't shut down on me!" Rachel looked on fearfully, waiting for a reaction from her starter. "Come on, Kara! I believe in you!"

    Grateful that her trainer hadn't given up on her, Kara's instincts kicked in and she struggled to rise. She painfully hurried towards the Spearow and, raising her claws, scratched the bird numerous times. Eventually, she retreated and Rachel readied a Poké Ball, which she then threw at the injured avian. The bird Pokémon was drawn into the orb by a flash of red energy. After wobbling for a few seconds, the ball clicked shut.

    "Yeah! I caught Spearow!"

    Rachel fished her Pokédex out of her pocket and, aiming the device at the newly named Ectria's containment device, pressed the scan button. "Spearow, the Tiny Bird Pokémon – a Pokémon of the Normal and Flying types. Spearow flaps its small wings busily to fly. Using its beak, it searches for prey."

    "Mistress?" Kara panted in an exhausted way. "Can we leave yet?"

    "Yes, Kara," the girl answered, looking worn out already. Deep down, Rachel knew it was because she had not been able to sleep from her excitement.

    Well, 'spose we better get going, she thought as her impatience took hold. With that, the lavender haired girl motioned for her partner to follow her as she continued on down the grassy path towards Viridian City. I've done the research and I shouldn't have to sleep outside at all. I absolutely hate sleeping outdoors!

    As the teen mulled over her point of view, she worriedly hoped that she would reach Viridian City soon. A shiver went down her back and she trembled involuntarily.
     

    bobandbill

    one more time
  • 16,945
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    Hmm. I will say it it had a few interesting moments, but I do feel that in a number of areas, this chapter could be improved upon. =/ Onward to quotes!

    For instance; description. At times it's quite nice, and enjoyable to read - including the use of alliteration (chilly cirrus clouds) for instance - and it generally gets hurt by you simply telling us facts, or telling us what happens, rather than showing us this. Rather than state facts - like what something looks like, or so forth - include them with actions - let them melt into the story rather than have them stick out.

    On the Regans – have to say that that was nice choice of name there. XD Yet, on personal opinion... well, I find it a bit odd to see a regal system in Pokemon. Curiously, is there such a thing in the anime? I wouldn't know... I'm not sure how you'll carry it, but it has potential, I suppose. Wonder how it'll work though with other regions being notably absent with it.
    When the emerald haired prince looked up, it was clear to see he was dressed in navy-blue clothing and an amethyst coloured cape.
    Hmm... wouldn't it be visible to others that he is wearing navy-blue clothing, looking up or down? =/ (Or does his head have similar proportions to those in Diamond/Pearl/Platinum? =P)

    Now, this scene seemed to bear a fair bit of importance plot-wise, but it seemed a bit odd to me. Here, Arthur is established to dislike 'boring political work' - but his reaction, after seemingly small discussion on the matter, is to shout 'NO!' and escape the castle, leaving guards injured and what-not? Hmm... reaction at political work... Seemingly over-dramatic, really, of an reaction.

    Also, the other characters (like the mother and daughter) do not seem to really react to this much at all... they recognize what happens, but it's a bit like they are robots - no emotion really coming though them. These emotions don't have to be worry or concern over Arthur though; there's the possibility of annoyance over him leaving and injuring their guards, and so forth - yet it seems to be absent. Develop things further, again - reconsider how everyone of importance would react to everything.

    "I'm sorry, Arthur, but it's our duty to keep you from leaving!" One of the guards shouted as he continued to block Arthur from leaving. Both guards were clad in the red armour that was representative of the royal military.
    This description here is randomly given, seemingly. It's shaping to be a moment of tension and excitement - and suddenly you stop to tell us that they wore red armour that reinforces the fact that they worked for the military. This does not appear to be a great moment to give this info, really - it could be established elsewhere (earlier, methinks). And not so bluntly either, as mentioned before - no need to tell us that they wear red, but to show us, which would allow it to remain here, and not stick out from the events.

    "I'm sorry, Arthur, but it's our duty to keep you from leaving!" One of the guards shouted as he continued to block Arthur from leaving. Both guards were clad in the red armour that was representative of the royal military.

    As for the escape... I felt that having it occur 'off-screen' in that we didn't see exactly what he and his Pokemon did as being ineffective - after all, you built the moment up, and suddenly it's already over. Would have liked to have seen more, tbh - would have made it more exciting and so forth. (Although I still find it an odd reaction to have, mind...).
    An advisor came in at the most inappropriate time. He was a tall, bald and dishonest-looking man in his thirties wearing a blue-collared shirt as well as black trousers. His sky-blue eyes peered out from under his thin, black eyebrows. "Your Highness?" he asked. "Should I send the cavalry after him?"
    More description that felt out of place - here, firstly, you as the narrator stated that this was a 'most inappropriate time' for this advisor to come - telling us this fact. Rather, incorporate it into, say, the dialogue of the characters (which allows opportunity for them to show some more emotion or reaction to events, as I mentioned above), or go without even - it's not that necessarily a fact.

    As for the description about what he looks like (mid-thirties, etc, etc) - I also question whether that is necessary or not. It's again given to us in a listed fashion, and if this advisor isn't to appear again I question why this is given. Furthermore, there is not that much on the advisor himself given - his personality, or how he himself reacted to this event - it happens, and he straightaway comes in asking what should be done - almost as if he knows about this whole event. That appears to be lacking, in the case that he is a major character, or even a one-off, to make the events appear more realistic.
    Back in Cheltin Town…
    This isn't quite a good way to scene shift (firstly, try using some scene separators - they can be of use) - rather than announcing it like so, bring this fact into the story. Bringing me to my next point - Cheltin Town did seem to suffer description-wise. There's not much in the way about how it looks like, how busy it is, the size, and so forth. Trees? Or primarily buildings? The weather? Just seems to be a bit bare, really, and given that this is a made-up region, such things tend to be pretty important for us the readers.
    The Harris' family pet, a serious natured Eevee,
    Bringing in natures of Pokemon - interesting, although Eevee doesn't always seem to act serious - more devious and scheming at times, really. =/ Anyway - might suggest changing to 'serious-natured' - but optional and only a random suggestion, I suppose. I think here it *can* run both ways.
    "Eevee, stop it!" Josephine reprimanded her second in line Pokémon.
    Here I'm much more for the use of hyphens (second-in-line) rather than having them as separate words like what you have atm.
    "Stop that Firkit!" A voice yelled out to the two trainers. A small crimson cheetah barrelled towards them, as if it was trying to escape from somewhere.

    Raphael grunted, "So what? Lerrow! Let's get this going! No playing around...
    First bolded part could again be shown more rather than told. Mix this fact in with description of it - its face could be worried, maybe the way it is running suggests this saving you from having to spell out what is happening, yet with us the readers still being able to see this, and get more of a feel on what the Firkit looks like.

    And for 'So what?' - seemed like an odd thing to say in response to someone telling them to stop that Firkit... =/
    As Eevee rushed by Raphael, he stuck his tongue out at the trainer. "You fool," he snarled. "Fire always beats Grass. Will you ever learn?"
    Here, it seems that suddenly Eevee knows a lot about Rapheal - in fact, it sounds like he has known him for a long time by saying that, although this isn't the case. Dialogue hence feels somewhat out-of-place...
    "Who's the fool now?" Eevee snorted. His plan had worked; he had beaten some humility into the conceited boy.
    His plan had worked - but since you were hinting that earlier that it was plotting something - how could it have planned the appearance of this Firkit? If these plans are separate, be sure that that appears to be the case then, or that it was merely an opportunity for Eevee to do this. Also - Raphael could be established to be more conceited earlier, I feel - after this point there is evidence of it, but seeing as this is given as a fact now, I feel it should also be more established earlier.

    Once more I will also harp on Eevee talking. It appears to be the only Pokemon to be able to, and the lack of a reason to this and it appearing to be a rather normal thing to the other characters is a bit annoying, tbh. Seems out of place, in actual fact.

    The catching-Firkit scene felt that it moved too quickly as well, really - she catches it, but then it is seemingly forgotten, as there is again a lack of reaction to it. No cries of celebration and yay-ness, or so forth - nor is there any explanation on where the Firkit came from as well. Remember to cover these sort of things - otherwise they just leave question-marks over the events rather than pure, undivided interest in them. Josephine does seem to realise that it was the starter Pokemon that escaped...somehow - but how she knows this appears to be missing (unless I missed it). There's a bit of a jump there, really.
    The red haired teen shrugged, as if to say, "Where's the Professor?"
    The phrase from the previous chapter reappears again... be wary of repeating things often.
    Eevee, growing impatient with the humans' rambling on, took it upon himself to go look for the Professor.
    This part just seems to sound a bit odd, really. Might be because this is late here, but might want some looking into?
    Raphael had noticed Eevee rushing off, but decided not to say anything, "I'm sure the Professor wouldn't mind if we went in the lab to wait."
    Feel the comma works better as a full stop.
    As the fox's brown eyes searched for any trace of a white-clad human, he hadn't noticed that he ran deeper and deeper into the thin forest in front of him. Suddenly, he brought himself to a halt as he saw the Professor caring for an unusual Pokémon.
    I didn't recall a thin forest... again, the setting of the town could have been established earlier and throughout the chapter better (not all at once, mind), so that the introduction of such things doesn't come out from left-field.
    It was a monstrous dinosaur-like Pokémon, the majority of it being green in colour. Its massive size and nature combined with the fact that its body had various spikes jutting out made it look awesome; one spike on either side of the head, a hook-like beak for a mouth, three spikes on the right hand side of its back, and a white-trimmed green shell which was home to a lush green tree made the creature seem even more intimidating.
    Again - this description be listy... and seemingly for an unnecessary Pokemon who would probably not be seen again (least-ways, according to Josephine) and serves little purpose here either, IMO.

    Banksia's entrance with 'wind' coming from nowhere felt over-dramatic to me, tbh - didn't see that much of a point for it, is all. Guessing it might be to make her appear as a cool character or something, or least-ways it seems like that - only it just comes across as rather odd. Unless she has a giant wind-machine that hasn't been mentioned? It really did feel out of place, have to say.
    "Really? Impressive. Which Pokémon did you use?" Professor Banksia asked Josephine.

    "The family pet, Eevee," she responded.

    "May I see this Eevee of yours?" Professor Banksia asked.

    "Sure thing," the chestnut haired teen replied, and brought Eevee out of his sphere.

    The Professor looked down at the Pokémon, eying it intensely.
    An example of somewhat-listy events – one after the other just like that, each gaining a separate paragraph. The structure is either "Dialogue!" said so-and-so, followed by events happening one after the other. Mixing some other things along with this would help, as well as changing around the structure some more. In addition - didn't the professor just see this Eevee? maybe she should respond in some sort of way to this as well...

    I found the lack of comments from the Eevee (who had been talking a fair bit before) while others spoke about wanting to evolve him one way or another as questionable, have to say - again - bring everyone and everything into the events some more by showing us how they react!
    "Is that so?" she asked. "Well, there is a Moss Rock in New Viridian Forest."
    Hmm... it appears that it is assumed knowledge that a Moss Rock helps evolve Eevees into Leafeon - but I would like to see why this is the case... (and I already mentioned why I'm not quite a fan of 'New Viridian Forest' before. -_-).
    It was a Harris tradition to start with Fire type Pokemon.
    But...if that is so - how come her younger sister ended up with a Catepie instead? (Even if it was shiny?) =/
    "No problem. Will I see you around?" Raphael asked.

    The Professor (...) gave it back to Josephine, who happily accepted it.

    "Thanks, Professor. Probably not," she answered.
    Hmm... Josephine came off as kinda rude there, really, and if I were the Professor I would have said something about it...
    At first, the sound was a low, low rumble.
    Only need one 'low' really - a second is unnecessary.
    He stopped and stared at the Pokémon, before snickering.
    A comma there is what I'd suggest, for the minor pause that seems to want to be there.
    "Enough talk, human!" The Nidoran growled in a pitiless voice. "Let's get this on!"
    Should be a 'small' t there.
    As the Charmander bore down on the bird Pokémon, Spearow sidestepped the attack and fiercely began pecking at the Fire type's soft skin. Immobilized under the abrupt assault, Kara could do nothing but close her azure eyes and grunt at the pain.

    "Kara? Kara! Come on, girl, don't shut down on me!" Rachel looked on fearfully, waiting for a reaction from her starter. "Come on, Kara! I believe in you!"

    Grateful that her trainer hadn't given up on her, Kara's instincts kicked in and she struggled to rise. She painfully hurried towards the Spearow and, raising her claws, scratched the bird numerous times. Eventually, she retreated and Rachel readied a Poké Ball, which she then threw at the injured avian. The bird Pokémon was drawn into the orb by a flash of red energy. After wobbling for a few seconds, the ball clicked shut.
    Eh, this just felt that it could have been expanded upon - seemed to be a bit rushed, really. There's a lack of reactions from the Spearow at being hurt (besides you telling us that it was now injured - again, show us this!), although at least the Charamander did respond in some way, and Rachel as well. But it did feel that the Spearow just stood there after attacking and let Charmander scratch the heck out of it. =/

    Generally, Paul's and Rachel's bits felt a bit better than the rest (and was a fair bit cleaner as well), but they could stand to be improved.


    Overall, it was an average chapter at best, have to say, although I have been more on the negative side in this review. But description, and character reactions is lacking in various ways as mentioned, and along with a few holes and question marks appearing here and there (which gave it a too-rapid pace), it could be far, better than what it is, IMHO. Take the time to expand on what happens, how they happen, how and what people and creatures and animals do, what things look like through showing rather than telling, and so forth. For I do not feel that much improvement had been gained from the previous chapter, given various comments on the such (such as from Breezy). Take these on board, and apply it to your work.

    And now I need sleep.
     

    Feathing

    Water Gym Master
  • 252
    Posts
    16
    Years
    Well, first, I can't tell you a thing about grammar for the same reason I told YOU to check my fic XD
    About the story, it had evolved great from the first chapter. Although Rachel and Paul stories aren't THAT interesting yet, I 'm sure you know what're writing ;) Josephine part was interesting and well written I think.Would love to see a pic of the chettah fire pkmn.. Keep up the good work and btw thanks for the help!
     
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