Spelling and Grammar: 6/10
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 6/10
Relevance to Prompt: 8/10
Total: 20/30
You had an interesting beginning to the story. Nice slow reveal of details to keep the story moving. And I liked the general premise of the story too. There were some particularly nice touches too - such as both of them having Eevee, with Terence's having the odd cameo every now and again (although I don't feel its evolution in the end had added too much to the story's main plot). And it did well with the theme of loneliness without being in the norm of the sort of stories I would expect for that.
The first of my two main complaints is that it may have been overdone, in the sense that the protagonist's lust for Luna seemed too full on, too stalker-ish due to the amount of description going on about how great she was, and how emotional he was over her. Maybe cutting down on that would have helped the character be more reasonable, as well as shorten the story (as you did mention you went a bit over). Some of it felt unnecessary, or at least did not add much more to the story given how much his feelings for her were established.
My second qualm was with the ending, as it felt rushed somewhat. The large time skip and sudden happy resolution did seem somewhat left field and left a few too many questions unanswered (namely, why did she stop responding and only showed up now?)
But we do not know what to evolve it into....at least I don't even know myself.
Nitpick - not sure if 'it' is the right word for one to use about their own first Pokémon - a gendered word (he/she) would fit better imo.
She had black hair, always on a pony tail, and that's because she's constantly working. Not labor work, but she's hands-on into everything. She had green eyes, had semi-dark skin that seemed like she tanned herself every day.
This was somewhat repetitive - She had ___, She had ___. The description was a bit listy (although understandable in this case), but nonetheless twice like that in three sentences is a bit much, and makes it sound more like a, well, list, than a story. It interrupts the story pace in a way.
The last sentence is also a run-on. Fixable by having an 'and' in place of 'had' (...green eyes and semi-dark skin...).
My parents thought that Luna may be a mysterious stranger who may plan to take my Eevee, more so a Team Rocket grunt. There were reports of grunts using the internet to steal their Pokemon. It's too hard to convince them, even showing them her picture won't do a thing.
The same with the last sentence - it's a run-on. A comma doesn't quite work in linking up those two parts (generally, a comma is used, for instance, before names/nicknames, to separate adjectives, for listing objects, or to go before one of the 'fanboys' - for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so). A semi colon or new sentence works better here.
Quote:
I had completed the third gym, my Eevee is starting to show some signs of evolution but won't tell when she'd evolve.
Same here. I think here a new sentence works best (...third gym. My Eevee is...).
Defeating Bugsy was a piece of cake.
I think you mixed up things - he was in Unova, not Johto.
My Tranquill was a little overleveled but I cannot risk him to get shocked by Elesa's Zebstrika for the billionth time.
I'm not so sure how levels (or at least the idea of something being 'overlevelled') translated too well in a story like this, to be honest...
I finished in the top 8, losing to a younger trainer with an uber-leveled Pikachu and an Emboar.
Same here, with uber-leveled. Nitpicky, I suppose, and maybe subjective, but it doesn't sound quite right.
As I opened the door firmly, the first I saw was a little boy, wearing a red cap, a blue coat, sweatpants and snow boots.
An example of describing too much - what he wears doesn't actually add to the story here, so you could have gone without this description.
Overall I did enjoy it - it just needs some tidying up. Hopefully these comments shall help!
