Friendship scares me, it scares me a lot. With few exceptions I find it hard to maintain any friendship. There have not been many people in my life who didn't forget about me the moment they no longer needed to remember me. I often feel like this would be the case with anybody I meet, and I suppose I try to save myself from disappointment. In passing conversation I am glad to have people to talk to. It's quiet within empty walls, after all, but friends? I have about two people I would currently call a friend, and maybe four to six more I talk to semi-regularly. Only one of them I know from anywhere but the internet.
I move around a lot on the internet because I simply never know where I should be. In reality I am so paralyzed by my own inhibitions that going anywhere is almost certainly out of the question. I'm too old to not have a driver's license, but the very thought of going anywhere freaks me out enough that I've so far refused to take my test.
I don't feel like I could fit in anywhere, even were I to give it my all. I don't really know how to relate to anybody around me. Officially I am nothing, having never graduated because even after all those years of schooling, fourteen to be precise, that evaded me as well. I hated myself so much in school, I didn't even try. Sure, I regret it, but a broken spirit is a broken spirit, and when you don't care what happens, bad things happen. Maybe one day I will find it in me to move forward. Today isn't that day. That's what I tell myself every day.
I fear my depression, how it controls my life and urges me to push everyone and everything away. People who feel sad claim to be depressed. I really must disagree. To be sad, even for an extended period of time, doesn't mean depression, at least not to me. No. Depression much more. It's when you get frustrated at people for trying to help you, because you don't know how else to feel. You literally cannot imagine feeling good, and you even are afraid to. It's difficult to explain, honestly. Good feelings are dulled, even bad feelings are dulled. All that's really left is the paralyzing anxiety. Me personally, my comfort is in doing things that allow me to forget myself and the world around me. I've lived with depression since my elementary school years, was given medication in high school which I did not react well to. Several medications, sometimes two at once. They made me lash out at people I knew and I was on the whole a lot more unstable than I am now. Even writing this,
Relationships. Where would I even begin. Given everything written above, I think it goes without saying that even the word withers away at my well-being. There is nothing worse than knowing that even if you did love somebody, you could never, ever hold a stable relationship. On second thought, there is something worse. When it actually gets to that point and you tell yourself "Maybe it doesn't have to be this way." but in the end it does. When you share your darkest, your worst and blackest horrors with somebody because you just want them to understand you. When they want to help but they know they cant, and when they walk away before giving you a chance, because they know they can't handle it and you know they shouldn't have to. When you never speak to them again because it's better they forget, despite every day wishing to just say something as simple as "Hey."
I think all these things tie in together, forming one big knot of dread when I consider the future, where I'm not going, how I fail as a person socially and emotionally, and the realization that if I died tomorrow or ten years from now it probably won't make a difference.
You read all that? Yikes. Forget you did! Or um... or else! I totally do not want to hit that submit button. I've lost my mind.
