Coming Out

Ellen Page's coming out reminded me of a discussion idea I had brewing. Basically, are you obligated to come out to someone? Whether it pertains to your sexuality, religion, or just something about you that differs from the way you're already perceived, do you owe it to anybody to tell them? Perhaps your parents, friends, or even in Page's case, the LGBT community when you're there to give a speech on their behalf? Obviously the process isn't always met with support or even tolerance, especially in the case of sexuality or religion. Other times, as in Page's instance, maybe it helps to inspire others. And of course, the person in "the closet" (I have no term for non-sexuality instances) may feel better getting whatever it is, off their chest.

I saw a Youtube video addressing the idea that more or less said that it's ok to remain in the closet, to which I agree to a certain extent. Your sexual preferences or religious ideas aren't things that need to be made public. But is hiding something like this lying by omission? Does someone like your a parent, who's raised you believing you live a certain way, deserve to know the truth?

Flushed said:

Ellen Page's coming out reminded me of a discussion idea I had brewing. Basically, are you obligated to come out to someone? Whether it pertains to your sexuality, religion, or just something about you that differs from the way you're already perceived, do you owe it to anybody to tell them? Perhaps your parents, friends, or even in Page's case, the LGBT community when you're there to give a speech on their behalf? Obviously the process isn't always met with support or even tolerance, especially in the case of sexuality or religion. Other times, as in Page's instance, maybe it helps to inspire others. And of course, the person in "the closet" (I have no term for non-sexuality instances) may feel better getting whatever it is, off their chest.

I saw a Youtube video addressing the idea that more or less said that it's ok to remain in the closet, to which I agree to a certain extent. Your sexual preferences or religious ideas aren't things that need to be made public. But is hiding something like this lying by omission? Does someone like your a parent, who's raised you believing you live a certain way, deserve to know the truth?

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Well, I certainly don't think there is one right answer to this type of question especially.

With that said, I don't see the issue with not "coming out" verbally, and rather, in a matter-of-fact fashion if one is dating someone of the same sex say," ...my gf/bf/spouse/partner [blank]". Rather, in school or work, I might mention something if I am dating [blank], but I frame it in a way that is not like, I am dating a man, shock-factor! To me it's not an important characteristic to my academic studies in political science and the philosophies I develop (and don't want anyone to assume I am some flamin' liberal for lack of better phrasing), though for reasons out of their control, some make it a huge component of their identity. When I am not dating, which has been a while since I live in the middle of nowhere and will be moving shortly (and don't do long-distance), I tend not to say "I am gay". Rather, I am just a single man. I am not really lying by omission. Some friends know I am from previous relationships or stories, but I never announced anything, nor do I remind them I am gay ever 5 minutes nor do I constantly affirm my "straight-acting" manliness as I have seen done by others frequently. I am not ashamed nor proud of being gay; it's pretty irrelevant to my life, research, career, and family relationships. Though, I will admit I am lucky in those respects.

Being closeted might be better for those that are trying to deal with same-sex relationships for the first time, let alone dealing with how others perceive this; both are huge personal issues to deal with. However, for the person and relationships they develop, in order for that person to maintain relationships, they will likely need to come-out at some point in time.

People who are closeted tend to me insecure and self-conscious. I've noticed a lot of time they seem to have a background story making them this ways. They are scared of what society thinks and don't want to be judged. Also, sometimes they aren't completely sure that those are the feelings they are wanting as well. I don't think you have to come out at all, however it's a good start into gaining more confidence and stuff. It's a step you have to make somewhere in your life. It's just deciding if you're ready or not.

I don't see why Ellen Page coming out was such a news, especially since millions of gays and lesbians go through the same process. The very concept of "outing" that even exists today and is something that a lot of gays and lesbians face still highlights that we still have a long way to go.

루기아 said:

I don't see why Ellen Page coming out was such a news, especially since millions of gays and lesbians go through the same process. The very concept of "outing" that even exists today and is something that a lot of gays and lesbians face still highlights that we still have a long way to go.

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This. I don't particularly think coming out that you're gay or lesbian should be so highly sought after in terms of learning that someone's homosexual. Until coming out that you're gay or lesbian is just the same as "coming out" that you're straight, no significant progress will be made.

This is why I didn't really understand why it was such huge news that Michael Sam (college football player, expected to be drafted in 2014, came out as gay in an interview) announced that he was gay. I don't think it should matter and I don't really see the point of announcing it to the world. I understand that it's meant to gain further acceptance of the LGBT community, but society should be progressing to the "no one has to come out" mentality instead of the "gays and lesbians should come out but it shouldn't be a big deal" mentality.

stp said:

This. I don't particularly think coming out that you're gay or lesbian should be so highly sought after in terms of learning that someone's homosexual. Until coming out that you're gay or lesbian is just the same as "coming out" that you're straight, no significant progress will be made.

This is why I didn't really understand why it was such huge news that Michael Sam (college football player, expected to be drafted in 2014, came out as gay in an interview) announced that he was gay. I don't think it should matter and I don't really see the point of announcing it to the world. I understand that it's meant to gain further acceptance of the LGBT community, but society should be progressing to the "no one has to come out" mentality instead of the "gays and lesbians should come out but it shouldn't be a big deal" mentality.

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Celebrities coming out is a huge deal currently for numerous reasons - and it will ALWAYS be a big deal because it will forever remain important that queer youth feel represented in all aspects of media.

This is probably going to be a really short response, but oh well.

Simply put, I don't think one's religious beliefs or sexuality (since that is what "coming out" refers to generally) or anything of the sort is something that we should need to conceal. However, I don't feel as though a big "coming out" song and dance needs to be made. Basically, don't hide it but don't feel obligated to go around telling everyone if they don't ask either.

As has been said, the fact that we still make such a big deal about people's sexual identity that a celebrity being gay is enough to make the headlines is just sad. I want to see a day where nobody gives a rats ass what your sexuality is.

stp said:

This is why I didn't really understand why it was such huge news that Michael Sam (college football player, expected to be drafted in 2014, came out as gay in an interview) announced that he was gay. I don't think it should matter and I don't really see the point of announcing it to the world. I understand that it's meant to gain further acceptance of the LGBT community, but society should be progressing to the "no one has to come out" mentality instead of the "gays and lesbians should come out but it shouldn't be a big deal" mentality.

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It was a huge deal because people think his prospects of getting drafted are slimmer now. It's a huge deal because people have gone on record saying that "The NFL isn't ready for a gay player. It's still a Men's-Men game"

I think sexuality should be a non-issue in the media, and I don't need any agenda shoved down my throat, even if it is of tolerance and rainbows.

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let's say it all together

Visibility is a powerful tool against homophobia

Visibility is a powerful tool against homophobia

Visibility is a powerful tool against homophobia

Visibility is a powerful tool against homophobia

Visibility is a powerful tool against homophobia

Visibility is a powerful tool against homophobia

The fact that it's straight people who are saying "why should we care sexuality is a non-issue" is actually incredibly telling. How about you guys use some critical thinking for once.

Keiran said:

Celebrities coming out is a huge deal currently for numerous reasons - and it will ALWAYS be a big deal because it will forever remain important that queer youth feel represented in all aspects of media.

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THIS AS WELL.

The fact this even has to be said is actually incredibly staggering and shows exactly why it's a huge deal for people to come out in the public sphere.

루기아 said:

I don't see why Ellen Page coming out was such a news, especially since millions of gays and lesbians go through the same process. The very concept of "outing" that even exists today and is something that a lot of gays and lesbians face still highlights that we still have a long way to go.

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Celebrities have an aura associated with them when they are generally famous people; though they are just normal human beings like the rest of us. The general conception is that if celebrities can do it, others can as well; it's the sense of feeling empowered being the minority group regarding sexuality that drives them to "come out of the closet."

Even with that being said, I honestly don't think it's necessary for people to proclaim their sexuality to the world. Though creating a group where similar people can gather and gain support is inspirational. Parents, I think, are the people you should tell because they would like to know, whether they support you or not is their problem, not yours. People cannot help who they are attracted to and it's depressing to experience or imagine parents asking, "Why did you turn out like this? What did we do wrong?" That's completely the wrong way to reacting to someone "coming out." I can only imagine how difficult it must be for someone to contemplate telling their friends and family.

CoffeeDrink said:

Well there go my chances with Ellen Page, koff~

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On another note I find these jokes insanely disrespectful. Someone just took the time to do a huge leap forward with courage and then people go "aww now I can't date them aren't I funny lol". No, you're not. The rest of your post is completely incomprehensible.

Even with that being said, I honestly don't think it's necessary for people to proclaim their sexuality to the world.

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I'm honestly starting to wonder if people are reading my posts. Visibility is a powerful tool against homophobia.

Parents, I think, are the people you should tell because they would like to know, whether they support you or not is their problem, not yours.

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Um whether parents support their children actually has a huge impact on them and I think it's close-minded not to say that? If kids are going to be kicked out of their house/forced to be felt like they're completely different/said they're "not normal" by their parents then it in turns becomes their problem. It's a personal decision and I don't think anybody (gay or straight) really has any right to tell who they should come out to or not.

Moogles said:

I'm honestly starting to wonder if people are reading my posts. Visibility is a powerful tool against homophobia.



Um whether parents support their children actually has a huge impact on them and I think it's close-minded not to say that? If kids are going to be kicked out of their house/forced to be felt like they're completely different/said they're "not normal" by their parents then it in turns becomes their problem. It's a personal decision and I don't think anybody (gay or straight) really has any right to tell who they should come out to or not.

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Well, I understand where you are coming from, but I'd also add there are two ways to come out (as far as celebrities or high-profile persons are concerned). One, announce verbally, two, non-verbally. I don't think one is necessarily better than the other inherently, I just prefer the second.

For instance, though many people are not familiar with him, Insanity creator Shaunt T, implicitly, came out by posting wedding pictures and his subsequent sentiments on twitter. Sure, no one should have to wait until marriage, but I think coming out, implicitly, by showing a serious commitment to someone, rather than a frivolous one, makes the most impact if we are to measure the utility of a celebrity coming out. As unfortunate as it is, a gay celebrities' relationship outcomes are scrutinized closer under a public lens. Even more so are single gay celebrities that are seen with different men every month even more dangerous to public perception. Again, I am not saying these perception are objective or right, but it seems like public perception of gay people is improved if these celebrities come to terms with their selves first, and are then, able to form meaningful relationships prior to coming out, even if that meaningful relationship doesn't last in the long run. Though, I will admit women are a bit different. There is an opposite, and somewhat endearingly truthful expression that lesbians move in together after the first date. though, I'd still offer the same advice given there is another, much less endearing generalization that women, especially conventionally "feminine" women are just tired of dating men or trying out something new. So again, I would say, regardless of sex, celebrities will make the most impact by being themselves in social circles, dating, coming to terms with their sexuality, and dating, and then making some some public statement or display of their relationship.

I think what some poster are getting at is, saying "I am gay," doesn't really have much meaning to it. It's kind of like, so what? Rather, saying, I love...blank, through words or actions is a more genuine, for why does sexual orientation matter without the presence of a love interest. It shouldn't affect how you live your life.

With that said, I think Ellen Page is brave. But she has sent, unintentional mixed messages with, what appeared to be a romantic relationships with men up to Summer of 2013. I don't think this is a huge negative impact, but it certainly didn't allow her to put her best foot forward as far as public perception goes.

I think a lot of these comments are ignorant of how the world works. Yes, it SHOULD be a non-issue and people SHOULD be able to be open about their sexuality from a young age, but it's not like that. Our society as a whole is still homophobic and tons of LGBT youth face discrimination and struggle with their identities every day. Being able to see someone they look up to come out publicly can give them the courage to come to terms with their own sexuality and gives them someone to relate and look up to.

This "who cares??" mentality is also kind of hilarious to see coming from straight people (and a little bit offensive if I'm being honest). Um, maybe LGBT people care? Food for thought.

Valoo said:

I think a lot of these comments are ignorant of how the world works. Yes, it SHOULD be a non-issue and people SHOULD be able to be open about their sexuality from a young age, but it's not like that. Our society as a whole is still homophobic and tons of LGBT youth face discrimination and struggle with their identities every day. Being able to see someone they look up to come out publicly can give them the courage to come to terms with their own sexuality and gives them someone to relate and look up to.

This "who cares??" mentality is also kind of hilarious to see coming from straight people (and a little bit offensive if I'm being honest). Um, maybe LGBT people care? Food for thought.

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In all honesty, actresses, actors, and "celebrities" in general are people I don't really look up to in a general sense, and really shouldn't be the framework set for anyone regardless of sexuality.

I'd rather look up to people who have made positive contributions to society and have sacrificed and worked hard in life, rather than given insurmountable amount of money in relation to the work and what that work does for society. For instance, Harvey Milk.

I look up to plenty of gay people, not because they are gay, they just happen to be gay. Being gay and an actor/actress hardly qualifies a person as a role model. (Not singling out any particular celeb.)

With that said, I agree having gay role models is important. Celebrities, are probably not the best examples. Some gay people care about these celebrities, but should they really? Gay hollywood shouldn't be the representative or role model of LGBT people. (since they are, they should be held to higher standard. Though, ultimately, the more reverence we put into the visibility of actors, singers, and other celebs, the less service we are actually providing for gay youth. We should be focus on inspiring the youth to pursue careers that help others and society, not careers revolving around vanity, fame, and disproportionate wealth.

On coming out in general, staying in the closet is 100% OK as that's a person's own personal decision and therefore is not subject to the judgment of others. What's not OK is the feeling that one has to stay in the closet for any reason.

To continue on the coming out in general topic.

Coming out, someday, I hope, won't be a thing. Whether that be coming out religiously, or sexually, however... there will be a day I hope where, say, you just walk up to your parents and say, "I love this person" and it's, well, not as big of a deal.

Sadly, that day isn't here.

For the past three years I've worked with my former high school in leading an LGBT group there. I was tutoring kids on the things that classes didn't teach, that it was okay to be who you were.

They ask all the time why they should come out. Of course, it's their decision, that's the first thing I tell them. Coming out is a dangerous step, but once you do, you will be glad you did. Thing is, I was going off of what other people had told me. I didn't come out fully until October of last year.

And that feeling, was the best feeling in my life. It was the best thing I ever did because I feel like I'm not hiding myself anymore. That's what it's about. It's not about getting attention, or drama, or anything like that. It's about not having to hide who you are, who you love, what you believe.

There is no reason that anyone, ANYONE should have to hide who they are. Coming out? Those people that do manage to do it? Are brave. They know that there will be backlash. They know that there will be hard times ahead. But at least they are able to say, I did it, and I held my head high. That's why it's called gay 'pride', because you should never be ashamed of who you are, ever.