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Just A Brother

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Sydian

fake your death.
  • 33,379
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    Well, here's chapter four. Things are getting dramatic! Thanks to chapters one through three for the foundation. Enjoy.

    Just A Brother

    Chapter Four: Regrets

    It doesn't seem to end. I wish she could see we're becoming distant now. I have to get her to see what's going on…she's becoming someone different. She's not the same Blue I fell in love with.

    Honchkrow slowed down at the entrance to the forest and set Silver to the ground. He took out his Pokeball and returned the big crow.

    "You deserve a rest," he said.

    Silver looked at the forest entrance nervously and took a deep breath.

    Just find her…, he thought.

    He walked into the forest and looked for any signs of movement and listened for any voices. All he saw were the many trees covered in raindrops and all sound was forsaken. As he walked, his footsteps appeared loud in the silence of the forest, but an abrupt rustle in the bushes broke the quiet.

    Silver stopped and looked around, hoping to find Blue, but saw nothing. He glared at the bush where the rustle came from.

    "You tricked me. Bastard," he said grimly.

    "Silver?" a familiar voice called. Silver looked up and saw Blue walking towards him with, to his dismay, Green at her side. There seemed to be something glinting in their hands as they approached.

    "Hey, Silver! Haven't seen you in a while!" Blue exclaimed.

    "Yeah…you haven't." he mumbled and then looked at their hands and saw two golden shimmers. "What's that?"

    Blue and Green hurriedly put their hands in their pockets, but Blue realized she didn't have one, so she shoved her hand into Green's free pocket.

    "Just some rocks we found," Green replied.

    "Rocks, eh? Shiny rocks?" Silver questioned.

    "Yes. Anyway, we should be going. We have more important things to be doing. You understand, right?" Green retorted with an arrogant smirk.

    "Like it?" Silver muttered through clenched teeth.

    Green scowled at him.

    "Actually," Blue interrupted, "I think I'll stay and talk to Silver!"

    Green frowned. "Well, okay then. I'll just be at the gym." He hugged Blue and walked out of the forest, glaring at Silver suspiciously. Once Green was out of sight, Silver looked for the 'rock', but nothing was in Blue's hands.

    "I haven't seen you in awhile!" Blue said happily as she threw her arms around Silver's neck.

    "I know…" Silver replied, hugging her back. The two released from their embrace and Blue started talking about what she had been doing for the past month. Silver was paying no attention to what she was saying. He was too busy admiring her beauty. Her long, brown hair swayed in the gentle breeze and her glimmering blue eyes stared at him as her soothing voice continued to rant. Silver was so enticed by her voice, it only deepened his trance.

    "Silver?" Blue called. "Are you okay?"

    "What? Oh, fine!" Silver replied while wiping a small amount of drool off his lips.

    But then the reason for him being here struck him—he had to confront her about it.

    "Hey," he said to get Blue's attention. "Y'know, I go through the forest on my way home."

    At hearing this, Blue looked at him, a little confused.

    "Okay?"

    "And I heard some noises from the bushes…" Silver continued and Blue started to turn red.

    "Oh, did you? Well, th-that's…"

    "So I hid behind a tree and snuck into a bush to see…" Silver interrupted.

    Blue became even more nervous as her cheeks burned scarlet. "Well, i-it could've been…"

    "I saw, Blue," Silver said quietly. "You and Green were kissing in that clearing."

    Blue's nervousness completely disappeared after hearing what Silver had just told her.

    "So you were spying?" she asked angrily.

    "It's not 'spying' if it's not intended," he corrected. "But anyway…"

    "Why'd you watch?!" she yelled, very agitated at this point.

    "Well, at first I didn't know what the hell was going on!" he yelled back.

    "It's not your place to know my private life! And you act as if you had no clue me and Green were dating!"

    Silver looked down at the ground. "Why don't you just give up on him? Don't you remember what he did to you?"

    The bad memory ran across Blue's mind, but she shook it off. "Silver, that was a year ago. It's done, and I've forgiven him for it."

    "Blue," Silver sighed as he put his hands on Blue's shoulders. "Don't you remember what happened between us after he did that?" he finished with a hint of desperation in his voice.

    Blue backed away from his touch. "Silver…you can't keep clinging to that. I saw him kiss Sabrina, and then I kissed you, but…that kiss was only for revenge. No feeling in it whatsoever." Blue replied calmly.

    "Blue, neither of those situation were just a 'kiss'. Green and Sabrina were pretty much making out, and you know it—you saw it. And…well, we were, too…", he corrected, but then realized--he had only been used for revenge on Green. "But that doesn't matter now…thanks for playing games with me that day."

    Silver looked at the ground, wondering about everything that had just been said.

    "Silver, I…"

    "Damnit!" Silver yelled, causing a flocks of Pidgey to fly out from the trees. "Why'd you do that to me?!"

    "Silver, I was angry!" Blue cried.

    "Save it. You have no heart…" Silver muttered grimly as he looked up at Blue, who's eyes were now red with tears.

    "I-I'm going…" Blue said as she sniffled and wiped the tears off her face. "Unfortunately, my ship in V-Vermilion doesn't leave 'til f-five tomorrow…"

    "Pfft. So you're leaving your cheating boyfriend?"

    "No! I'm leaving to get the hell away from you!!" she cried as she started running out of the forest.

    Silver watched Blue rush past him, wondering what just came over him. The moment she was no longer visible, he fell to his knees. He started shaking violently as he stared at the ground with a look of horror on his face.

    What have I done?, he asked himself.

    "Why did I just do that?! Idiot!!" he yelled as he pounded the ground with his fists. He remained in this position for half and hour, his mind replaying the scene that had just taken place. And then it dawned on him—he still had a chance.

    I can still correct this. Tomorrow, I have to get to her…, he thought with a glint of hope.

    Silver got up and left the forest. Darkness had now set in.

    Was I in there that long?

    He walked past a few brick houses, a hobo, and then stopped to stare at what was a few paces in front of him—the Viridian Gym. He thought of Green and how they both acted in the forest, and in front of Blue at that.

    I guess I'll apologize to him later…

    ~~~

    He opened to door to his little brick house. Giovanni seemed to be engrossed in paperwork as he jotted onto a sheet of paper.

    "Father?" Silver tried to get his attention.

    "Son?" Giovanni mumbled back.

    "I, uh…well, tomorrow me and Gold have something to take care of, so we won't be hanging out here…"

    "That's fine, Silver.", Giovanni replied, still into his work. "I actually have some business to tend to myself."

    "Oh…mkay, then. I'm off to bed." Silver replied with a small wave.

    "Alright. Good night."

    "Night." Silver called back as he headed up the stairs.

    "Oh, and Silver…" Giovanni called, looking up from his papers.

    "Hm?"

    "You know, Gold's not as withdrawn as you are. I'm sure you and Blue will have something." he said with a smile.

    Silver gave a weak smile back. "Thanks." He replied as he continued up the stairs.

    He opened the door to his room and found Gold sprawled out on the floor in slumber. Careful not to wake him, Silver quietly closed the door. He set his bag beside his desk and took off his silver tie, laying it neatly on top of the desk. He unbuttoned his shirt and tossed it into the floor, revealing a plain white t-shirt. He got his PokeGear out of his bag and got on his bed to lie down. He turned his PokeGear on, lowered the volume, and set it to the PokeMusic station. Silver placed it next to him and he turned to face it.

    The quiet radio DJ spoke softly.
    'This is a new song from BuckCherrim called Sorry!' he announced.

    An acoustic guitar started to strum softly and followed with a soothing rocker voice.

    'Oh I had a lot to say
    Was thinking on my time away
    I missed you and things weren't the same
    Cause everything inside, it never comes out right
    And when I see you cry, it makes me wanna die'

    Sure does…. Silver thought.

    'I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry I'm blue
    I'm sorry 'bout all the things I said to you
    And I know, I can't take it back'

    I only wish I could…

    I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
    And baby the way you make my world go 'round
    And I just wanted to say
    I'm sorry'

    Very, Silver thought as he drifted into sleep, with the radio still playing in his ear.
     
    Last edited:

    GunSaberSeraph

    Durandal of the Devic Era
  • 1,484
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    • Seen Dec 30, 2016
    wow... another great chapter, call me evil, but i laughed when silver said that blue had no heart :)
     

    Sydian

    fake your death.
  • 33,379
    Posts
    16
    Years
    wow... another great chapter, call me evil, but i laughed when silver said that blue had no heart :)

    Me too. Why else do you think I put it in there?

    Anyway...thanks for reading.

    Chapter Five has just gotten it's start today...so expect it...Thursday or Friday. That'll give you something to look foward to. O_o
     

    txteclipse

    The Last
  • 2,322
    Posts
    16
    Years
    wow... another great chapter, call me evil, but i laughed when silver said that blue had no heart :)

    Same here.

    So gold, shiny things, eh? Bet I know what those are...this just sucks for Silver, doesn't it? It's like watching a one-man train wreck in slow motion.
     

    bobandbill

    one more time
  • 16,945
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    Nice. Very good emotions there - quite nice and well-written. The character interaction there was very good - nice tension and held my interest. A good ending too, with the song, and I quite liked the small jokes thrown in as well. :)

    There is one common mistake which you do constantly however - and far more often this chapter - maybe you think it's correct... it's the adding of a comma to ellipses or dialogue. E.g.:
    "Yeah…you haven't…", he mumbled and then looked at their hands and saw two golden shimmers.

    "I saw, Blue.", Silver said quietly.

    Hvaing a comma there is incorrect. Also, rather than the full stops, a comma should be there in place of it, not after it. The following sentence links in the with first sentence, so a comma should be used as they can be taken as one sentence. IE.:
    "I saw, Blue," Silver said quietly.
    Like so. There are a fair few instances of this happening...


    Other stuff:
    wish she could see we're becoming distant now
    see, not she.
    "You deserve a rest," he said.
    "You tricked me. Bastard," he said grimly.
    "Just some rocks we found," Green replied.
    Remember, commas in these cases rather than full stops, as here the following few words link in with the dialogue, and flows on, instead of really being two sparate sentences.
    "Silver?" Blue called. "Are you okay?"

    "What? Oh, fine!" Silver replied while wiping a small amount of drool off his lips.
    Is it custom in the Pokemon world to drool in conversations? ;) As I said, I liked these small quirks and touches.

    ...And when I see you cry, it makes me wanna die'
    Sure does…. Silver thought.
    This one was the best. :)

    Good chapter - quite well balenced, but with the constant small mistake. Fix those up.

    Also don't rush the chapters so much - if the chapter is already to come out on Thursday or Friday... seems a bit quick to me (and given the time cut out for me due to school, I fail to see how you have the time... ;) ). It's usually best to wait a bit longer than that if you are writing as you go - keeps the audience waiting more, and is just a minor unwritten rule in Fanfiction that I learnt about. Also, less chance of the work being rushed. Sometimes it's good to wait a bit longer, than read it again with a fresh mind to see the mistakes better and all. Just a suggestion, mind...
    (And it doesn't apply to people who are posting work from another forum. ;) Even then, I'm going to 5-day breaks for it)
     

    Sydian

    fake your death.
  • 33,379
    Posts
    16
    Years
    Thanks, guys. ^^

    @Txteclipse- You do, now? Well, I was trying to get someone to know...eh. And yeah, it does suck for poor Silver. He needs a hug. -Silver huggles Silver- Dude, me and Silver would be like...SilverShipping or something. O_o

    @bobandbill- Ehhh...it's always the stupid commas that get me. X.x And I only had one typo...dangit. I'll be working on that...and that is a real song. It's by BuckCherry. Get it? BuckCherry, BuckCherrim? ;D

    About the drooling...well, sometimes, I kinda...I'm just sitting there in deep thought...and...you get it. I drool on myself. O_o Maybe too much information...-hides-

    Edit: The only reason I planned on posting chapter five Thursday was because I thought I'd have time to write in 5th period, but we're working on a project and trying to play love connection. X.x So...yeah. That's been changed. It's now rescheduled to...Monday or Tuesday...heck, maybe even Wednesday! ;D But, for spoilers, go look in the fanfiction lounge. The people reading the written version found some quirks. xD
     
    Last edited:

    Sydian

    fake your death.
  • 33,379
    Posts
    16
    Years
    Sorry for the delay! I've been pretty distracted lately. X.x This is probably the longest chapter, and possibly the saddest. So just read to find out. ^^ There also might be a text formatting issue around the end...my button isn't working correctly, so please ignore that.

    NOTE: People reading the written version have pointed out some kinks that lead to believe something that was not implied. Keep in mind, they took seperate showers.


    Just A Brother

    Chapter Five: Chance

    My last chance. My last chance to get things straight with her. I don't know where she's going, or for how long, but it's time for her to know the truth. If it hasn't been apparent to her yet, then that note will explain everything. But she has to know…

    The next day, Gold and Silver awoke to Silver's PokeGear yelling a commercial for credit reports. After a series of yawning and wake-up slapping, they flipped a coin for the first shower, with Silver winning.

    After they had both had a shower, they decided school attire was not going to be their choice of clothing for the day. Instead, Gold wore a red t-shirt and his baggy blue jeans draped over his black and lime green checkered Vans. He discarded his red cap for the day and wore his goggles over his messy black hair.

    Silver's black shirt hugged his upper body and had a small skull imprint on the lower left corner. His baggy navy blue jeans covered his black Converse slightly, but the words 'you lost the game' were still visible on the toe of his right shoe. His studded bracelet shone in the sunlight peering from the window as he got his silver tie from the desk and put it around his neck.

    "Dude, please don't wear that," Gold complained.

    Silver frowned at him. "D'you want me to look like a hoodlum?"

    Gold looked up and actually took this though into consideration.

    "Hey, you never told me what happened in the forest."

    "Oh…basically, me and Blue had a fight and…I ended up telling her that she has no heart…so, yeah," Silver retorted.

    "What?! You said that to her? I would never tell Crystal anything like that…"

    "No, Gold. I had a reason."

    "What gives you the right?" Gold asked, now folding his arms and looking at Silver angrily.

    "Remember what happened last year?" Silver asked.

    "You mean when Green and Sabrina…and you and Blue…?" Gold was slightly confused at what relevance this had to the current situation.

    "Yeah, well…me and Blue…our situation only happened for revenge on Green," Silver said as his voice fell quieter. "It had no meaning."

    Gold looked at him with a look of pity. "That sucks."

    Silver picked up his bag and set the strap on his left shoulder with the rest of it sitting on his right side. "But, I overreacted and I need to apologize. C'mon," he beckoned Gold out of the room.



    Downstairs, silence and a feeling of loneliness greeted them.

    "Before we leave, we're EATING!" Gold yelled as he ran to the refrigerator and opened it.

    Silver sat on the couch and watched Gold's raid. "You can. I haven't eaten in two days, and quite frankly, I'm not really hungry."

    Gold immediately jumped after hearing this.

    "What?! Uh-uh, uh-uh. No, no, no!" Gold spazzed and searched through the refrigerator insanely. "You need food! You need it now! How much do you weigh?"

    "Gold, I'm not hungry," Silver said calmly.

    "You say you aren't, but I can hear your stomach from here. You're starving!"

    Silver rolled his eyes at Gold's reaction.

    Gold grabbed six blueberry muffins from the refrigerator and ran over to the couch.

    "EAT!" he yelled as he stuffed a muffin in Silver's mouth. "Eat like a Grumpig!!"

    "Ionteefooeet!" Silver shouted through the muffin. He grabbed the pastry and pulled it out of his mouth. "But, if it makes you happy," he took a bite of the muffin. "I'll eat it." He finished with his mouth full.

    Gold nodded in approval and ate a muffin for himself. He walked back over to the refrigerator and noticed a sheet of paper in the floor.

    "Hey," Gold called as he picked up the paper to examine it. "I think this is a note from your dad,"

    "What's it say?" Silver asked while finishing his muffin.

    "'Silver, went to take care of some business on Cinnibar Island. I left some muffins in the fridge.'" he read aloud. "I think we figured out about the muffins already," he laughed.

    "Yeah, okay. Lets go. It's almost eleven." Silver said as he got up from the couch.

    "Great! That means it's only an hour from lunch!!" Gold shouted as he ran out the front door.

    Silver stood where he was and reached into his pocket. He pulled out a folded up piece of paper. It was very wrinkled and was covered in bloodstains, but the addressee was still legible—Blue. He gave it a hopeful squeeze and tucked it back into his pocket as he walked out the door.

    Outside, Gold had pulled out a large piece of folded up paper. As Silver locked up the house, Gold unfolded the big sheet and was now examining it—a map of Kanto.

    "So how long from here to Vermilion?" Gold asked with his face buried in the map.

    Silver slapped his palm over the map so he could see Gold's face. "Three hours."

    "Oh," Gold sighed as he folded the map and put it back in his bag. He pulled out his Mantine's Pokeball and released it. The big, blue sting ray flopped around on the ground, its stubby antennas bobbling along.

    Silver reached into his bag and grabbed Honchkrow's Pokeball and called it out. The big black crow stood on the ground and let out a squawk.

    "Shall we?" Silver asked.

    "We shall!" Gold exclaimed as he hooked onto Silver's arm.

    Silver gave him a cold stare. "Don't touch me."

    Gold let go of his arm. "Right. Sorry!" he laughed.

    "Lets just go. Honchkrow!" Silver called as he lifted his hands up. Honchkrow arose from the ground and grabbed Silver's hands with its feet and hovered its trainer into the air. "Gold?"

    "Right!" he exclaimed as he jumped on Mantine's back. Mantine flapped its large fins and ascended into the air next to Honchkrow. They then started heading for Vermilion City.

    Three hours later, after a series of 'are we there yet's, 'I have to pee's, and 'shut up's

    Honchkrow and Mantine started to decline to the ground of Route 6. Honchkrow set Silver on his feet and let go of his hands while Mantine landed flat on the ground. The trainers recalled their Pokemon and started walking down towards Vermilion City.

    The small wooden houses were scattered throughout the city and all looked well kempt. Most of them were colored white or light blue, and those that weren't were being painted right then. A large building was being constructed in the middle of the city, and already had seven stories on it.

    The Vermilion Gym seemed to bristle with static electricity as a wild Rattata ran by with its fur completely frazzled. The Pokemon Center's red roof was adjacent to the blue roofed PokeMart, and just a little further down, there seemed to be a hub where many sailors had gathered.

    "Great timing!" Gold exclaimed as they entered the city. Silver pulled out his PokeGear. "Gold, it's four. You took an hour to eat lunch, if you recall."

    "Sorry," Gold sighed. He looked at his Mantine is its Pokeball and noticed it was very tired. "Hey, do you think we have time to take these guys to the Pokemon Center? I'm sure they're tired."

    Silver looked at Honchkrow and noticed a look of weariness in it, too. "Yeah, lets go."

    As they walked, Silver looked over to the harbor and saw the S.S. Aqua sitting at the dock. It had a red stripe running across the hull and the name 'S.S Aqua' was in big, black letters close to the bow. The gentle waves lapped against the hull of the ship as it sat in the water awaiting its passengers. In a way, it seemed lonely.

    The cool air greeted Gold and Silver as they walked into the Pokemon Center. Nurse Joy was up at the front desk with her pink hair pulled back. She wore her normal nurse's dress and greeted Gold as he approached, with Silver following slowly behind. Silver looked around skeptically and noticed an abundance of sailors showing off their muscular arms.

    "Yo!" Gold called to Nurse Joy. "My Mantine's pretty wiped after flying here. Think you could get his energy back up?" he said as he held out the Pokeball for the sting ray Pokemon.

    Nurse Joy nodded. "Of course!" she said with a smile. She took the Pokeball and placed it on the healing device next to her. "One moment please."

    Gold turned to face Silver, who was still watching the sailors flex.

    "Hey, you're next," Gold said.

    Silver took out his Pokegear to check the time, which was fifteen after four. "Yup."

    Nurse Joy handed Mantine's Pokeball back to Gold and then took Silver's Honchkrow's and placed it on the machine. A green light shone from underneath the Pokeball, healing Honchkrow's weariness. Nurse Joy handed Honchkrow's Pokeball back to Silver and bid the trainers fare well and they left.

    Once they were outside, they looked over at the hub where the sailors were gathered. They clanked their large beers mugs together and started singing "A Pirate's Life For Me". Another duo of sailors were exchanging foul words and started fighting, both clearly intoxicated.

    "Ah, Vermilion City," Silver sighed. "where sailors get drunk and beat each other up so you can read about it the next day in The Vermilion Star."

    Gold started to laugh, but was interrupted when a large shadow loomed over him and Silver.

    "You think that's funny, kid?" a big, Brooklyn accent voice asked from behind.

    Gold and Silver slowly turned around and looked up to find a large, burly sailor hovering over them. So big, in fact, that his sailor suit was liable to pop off at any moment. His shaved head and skull tattoo on his arm only added to his menacing appearance.

    "No one talks about sailors like that and gets away with it. NOBODY!!" he yelled. "I'll take you on, carrot-top!" he boomed as he tossed out a Pokeball.

    A big, bluish Pokemon with four arms appeared. It was almost human like, or more sailor-like as it started to flex its big muscles.

    "Look," Silver started, "I have no time for—"

    "Machamp! Brick Break!!" the sailor called.

    Silver and Gold managed to move out of the way as Machamp charged at them with its upper right arm.

    Silver reached into his bag for a Pokeball and tossed it into battle.

    I don't care who it is, just get me through this thing, he thought.

    A small, black, weasel-like Pokemon came out from the randomly thrown Pokeball. Its pink feathered headdress stood atop its head and its pink tail feathers twitched with excitement and it bared its razor sharp claws. It gave a screechy cry a Machamp.

    "Brick Break!" the sailor commanded again.

    "Weavile, Avalance!" Silver called.

    Machamp charged at Weavile, who was bracing itself, with its upper right arm and hit with incredible impact. Weavile landed face-down on the ground.

    "Where's you avalanche now, punk?" the sailor laughed.

    Suddenly, Weavile got up and leaped into the air. It opened its mouth and took in a tremendous amount of air and exhaled huge snowballs straight at Machamp. The avalance buried Machamp in snow to where it was no longer visible. Weavile landed on Silver's shoulder as the sailor recalled his frozen Pokemon.

    "Keep the change. Later!" Silver called as he recalled Weavile and started to dash.

    "Sorry, kid!" the sailor yelled as he threw out a big blob of purple sludge into battle. "But it's not gonna be that easy!!"

    Silver stopped and looked at the Muk the sailor had sent out and then checked the time. His Pokegear now read 4:45.

    "Damnit!" he yelled. "Look, I have a life to get to if you don't mind,"

    Then, the Muk spurted out sludge directly at Silver, but a purple monkey used the hand at the end of one of its two tails to swat the slime away.

    "Great, Ataro! I'm glad you evolved into an Ambipom!" Gold called. "Silver, you go and find Blue! I'll take care of this bozo!"

    Silver nodded and started to run to the harbor. There were several people who were now boarding the ship. Silver took out his Pokegear to check the time again.

    4:50…dumbass sailor, he thought.

    He looked around at the people boarding the ship, but didn't see Blue anywhere.

    I guess she's trying to avoid me, he thought.

    "Of…you're here." A female voice said quietly.

    Silver looked up and saw Blue standing next to him. She had a light blue suitcase and was still wearing her attire from yesterday.

    "Yeah, I am," Silver replied weakly. "Blue, I'm really sorry about yesterday."

    "It's fine, but I should be—"

    "And here," he pulled out the note and held it out to her, "is why I care so much."

    Blue reluctantly took the note from Silver's hand. She looked at it and was a little repulsed by the bloodstains.

    Meanwhile, the sky above started to darken to a shade of gray, and the clouds blocked the sun's rays.

    "Please read it." Silver pleaded.

    Blue looked at him, very confused, but slowly unfolded the note.


    Blue,​


    There's something I've been wanting to tell you for a while. Well, honestly, years. Blue, I love you, with all my heart. And I've truly fallen in love with you over all these years. My life wouldn't be anything without you…I just hope that someday…you can love me like I love you.​


    -Silver​


    Blue looked up at Silver, a few tears on her cheek. "Silver," she whispered. The sky now roared with oncoming thunder. "I'm sorry, but…look, I love you, too, but in a sibling way. To me, you're…just a brother."

    Silver stared at her blankly as the thunder laughed at him in the distance.

    "Hey, little lady! We're about to leave!" called a sailor from the ship.

    Blue gave Silver a hug, Silver not embracing her back. She walked towards the boat slowly and before getting on, she looked back and whispered, "I'm sorry, Silver."

    She then boarded the ship and it slowly left off for the Sevii Islands.

    Silver stared down at the deck and rain started to pour down on him, soaking his hair and clothes. The note he wrote for Blue lay on the dock and the wind blew it over. The heavy rainfall plummeted the drenched paper and caused it to fall into the ocean.

    The sky mourns again, he thought.
     
    Last edited:

    GunSaberSeraph

    Durandal of the Devic Era
  • 1,484
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    • Seen Dec 30, 2016
    aww man... poor silver... certainly he won't let it end that easy will he? plus, that sailor was a jerk.
     

    Sydian

    fake your death.
  • 33,379
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    Years
    aww man... poor silver... certainly he won't let it end that easy will he? plus, that sailor was a jerk.

    And to think...it's not over yet. X.x Well, are you realizing how Silver's been through the fan fic? 'glimmer of hope' is written all over his emotionally distrought self.

    Yes. Un-named Sailor shall forever go down in the 'World's Most Jerkish Characters' book.
     

    Sydian

    fake your death.
  • 33,379
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    Years
    do you have any freeking idea, how much you freeking rock??!?!??!? <_< maybe i ovr did it... BUT YOU STILL ROCK!!! XDDDDDDD.

    Random much? O.o

    Oh, and be expecting chapter six sometime next week...I finally get spring break. :D

    It's also turning up to be pretty dramatic...even though I haven't started writing it. :o
     

    bobandbill

    one more time
  • 16,945
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    Quite nice, and sad. I liked the feelings conveyed in that chapter - quite nice. Description in certainly places were quite nice (such as the clothes Silver and Gold wore), although in places was a bit bare, but overall good. Interesting character interaction, including the part with the sailor (stupid sailor).

    One thing that cropped up a bit is that the sentences you use... are a bit similar in length. A lot are the very silimar in length, and gave it a repetitive pace at times - like a longer version of 'This happened like so. That happened like so. They went that way. They went this way' - like a more detailed list, but still a list. Mix it up more, or longer or shorter sentences - that that majoir but needs a little bit of work.

    Also, with commas... well, better than before, but still a fair few mistakes - and a new one as well...
    "Dude, please don't wear that," Gold complained.
    Comma here, as 'Gold complained' still links on with the spoken sentence.
    "Oh…basically, me and Blue had a fight and…I ended up telling her that she has no heart…so, yeah," Silver retorted.
    And again - as you are describing the way it was spoken, it links in with the dialogue. BTW, feel 'mumbled' or something along those lines fits in better than retorted, given the way Silver says what he says, with paues in the ellipses and all.
    "No, Gold. I had a reason."
    There was nothing aftre this sentence, so it is separate. Thus the full stop.
    Gold looked at him with a look of pity. "That sucks."
    "Please read it," Silver pleaded.
    And so forth. Maybe, have a look at DarkPersian's grammer guide that was recently posted in the Author's louge - it basically covers everything on commas, as well as some other stuff. It's a sticked thread.

    Other stuff:
    But she has to know…I can't keep this inside of me any longer…

    The next day, Gold and Silver awoke to Silver's PokeGear yelling a commercial for credit reports.
    The second sentence kinda disturbed the mood of the begging - those too sentences were totally different and didn't gel at all... made the second sentence seem random and unexpected.

    After a series of yawning and wake-up slapping, they flipped a coin for the first shower, with Silver winning.

    After they had both had a shower,
    Sentences such as this... seem rather balnd. You told us that they were about to, and then followed up with 'after they had their showers' - makes the whole showing process seem unnesserary. Makes it feel like a list, and isn't the best style to use. Try to link such statements in a more subtle way, rather than a 'this happened - then that happened' - style of a description of events.
    Silver sat on the couch and watched Gold's raid. "You can. I haven't eaten in two days, and quite frankly, I'm not really hungry."

    Gold immediately jumped after hearing this.

    "What?! Uh-uh, uh-uh. No, no, no!" Gold spazzed and searched through the refrigerator insanely. "You need food! You need it now! How much do you weigh?"
    Gold reacted in a similar way to how I would. :) Although, 'spazzed' isn't reallya wrod as far as I know - see the meaning implyed but maybe something else could have served better.

    He pulled out a folded up piece of paper. I was very wrinkled and was covered in bloodstains,
    Wait, what? You were very wrinkled and covered in bloodstains? WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU SILVERSMEARGLE!
    ...sorry, I just found thatmistake rather amusing. :P It, not I.
    Gold let go of his arm. "Right. Sorry!" he laughed.
    A bit of the issue I mentioned aboue - that sentence could be move to after the dialogue (e.g. ...Sorry!" he lauged, as he released Silver's arm.). Flows better that way, unlike the other, which feels... clunky.

    Three hours later, after a series of 'are we there yet's, 'I have to pee's, and 'shut up's…
    Suggest info like that to be italiced...
    It was almost human like, or more sailors like as it started to flex its muscles.
    Unnesserary 's' there.
    "Where's you avalanche now, punk?" the sailor laughed.

    Suddenly, Weavile got up and leaped into the air. It opened its mouth and took in a tremendous amount of air and exhaled huge snowballs straight at Machamp. The avalance buried Machamp in snow to where it was no longer visible. Weavile landed on Silver's shoulder as the sailor recalled his frozen Pokemon.

    Hurrah for speaking too soon. :)
    Then, the Muk spurted out sludge directly at Silver, but a purple monkey used the hand at the end of one of its two tails to swat the slime away.
    Slurted, rather than spurt. Also, for the italiced part... do you realize how random that sounded? And now I'm think of purple monkey dishwashers...
    "And here," he pulled out the note and held it out to her. "is why I care so much."
    Full stope here kinda makes it incorrect... maybe just a comma?

    Nice chapter though - enjoyable to read. Keep it up!

     

    Sydian

    fake your death.
  • 33,379
    Posts
    16
    Years
    Wait, what? You were very wrinkled and covered in bloodstains? WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU SILVERSMEARGLE!
    ...sorry, I just found thatmistake rather amusing. :P It, not I

    Oh wow. xD I'm not quite sure!! The sailors' moms never taught them not to hit a girl!
    Ah, I laughed for about...five minutes straight after reading that. Fixed it. xP

    Sentences such as this... seem rather balnd. You told us that they were about to, and then followed up with 'after they had their showers' - makes the whole showing process seem unnesserary. Makes it feel like a list, and isn't the best style to use. Try to link such statements in a more subtle way, rather than a 'this happened - then that happened' - style of a description of events.

    I meant to put ~'s after that sentence...I'll fix that, too.
    At first reading that, I thought you wanted me to describe the showering process...in which doing so makes me uneasy. ._.;; But now I get what you mean.

    Anyway, I'll be working on the [stupid] commas. X.x

    Thanks! ^^
     

    Star★Seeker

    →s t y l e ;
  • 1,985
    Posts
    17
    Years
    Ah the stench of teen misery, beautiful, so far I like the dark tone, I'm getting tired of happiness, poor Silver-Kun.Oh, and is the rock what I think it is?Is it a Drifloon?*Winks*
     

    skyterra

    In Olivine city
  • 68
    Posts
    16
    Years
    • Seen Jul 5, 2008
    From what I've seen, the fic looks good and has a good future.

    I'm gonna give you a little advice on gold though, his Mantine can't actually fly. It uses His remoraids as jets or propulsion.

    Just felt like putting that out there.
     

    Espreon

    Lord of the Nagas
  • 520
    Posts
    16
    Years
    • Seen Mar 16, 2011
    I'm gonna give you a little advice on gold though, his Mantine can't actually fly. It uses His remoraids as jets or propulsion.

    Really? I beg to differ. *Points to every 3D game that has Mantine implemented in it.*
    I don't see the Remoraids doing anything to allow Mantine to fly...
     

    Sydian

    fake your death.
  • 33,379
    Posts
    16
    Years
    From what I've seen, the fic looks good and has a good future.

    I'm gonna give you a little advice on gold though, his Mantine can't actually fly. It uses His remoraids as jets or propulsion.

    Just felt like putting that out there.

    Thanks. ^^

    Yeah, I know...but I didn't know what to do with them. I didn't want Gold to be like "ZOMG I need Remoraids!!" so I kinda...excluded that. -shot-

    Really? I beg to differ. *Points to every 3D game that has Mantine implemented in it.*
    I don't see the Remoraids doing anything to allow Mantine to fly...

    Actually, in the manga, that's how Mantine flies.

    I also remembered that Mantine's name is Mantaro...oooops.
     

    Sydian

    fake your death.
  • 33,379
    Posts
    16
    Years
    Well you could always edit the chapters that you made that little mistake.

    I was actually about to do that. I also need to edit the written version. X.x

    There's some things in chapter five that aren't in the written chapter five. Like the note blowing off the pier and falling into the water, and in the written it's 'The Whale' and not 'The Wailord'. This is more of a laugh for my friends reading the written because it's our assistant principal, who's very large.

    But I'll be getting to edit that soon...but I have to leave in a little bit, so I might have to get to it tomorrow.
     
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