Well, then. Obsessed with the virtue of equal exchange, I review your fiction in return for your review of mine.
It's definitely one of the better works I've seen. Being a romantic fiction, the character development is quite competent. (Matters will be clarified if I inform you about the vocabulary breakdown I usually have at this time of day.) I've only ever gone as far as Volume 10 of the Pokéspecial manga, but I suppose I have the information strictly necessary to understand the fiction. It suits me, in any case, despite my aversion to romance; it is strictly dark and ruinous, which is enough for me.
I've always seen Silver to be very impersonal and cold, however; is this some development that I haven't seen in the manga? I haven't seen Gold and Silver become buddies, and neither have I seen the scene which fueled his interest, so it's likely that he becomes more emotional canonically. Well, whatever. Let me write something of any consequence.
Regarding language: perhaps the flow could use some improvement; I've never seen purely physical depiction of anything to be a good development. The feeling of a list is most effectively dispelled when some metaphysical element of the narrator's joins the events together, or otherwise gives them meaning. I refer to the moments such as:
As they walked, Silver looked over to the harbor and saw the S.S. Aqua sitting at the dock. It had a red stripe running across the hull and the name 'S.S Aqua' was in big, black letters close to the bow. The gentle waves lapped against the hull of the ship as it sat in the water awaiting its passengers. In a way, it seemed lonely.
For, indeed, writing is not merely a series of physical events but also the poetic significance behind them; and what better way to set mood and create harmony than to add this. Arrgh, I'm derailing. I suggest having the description seem to complement and prove a point in the narration, or fit nicely into metaphor. This will have the reader feel that even the more menial details mean something and the sentences are worth reading. I also suggest taking my advice cautiously, since I can utter unusual sense and nonsense side-by-side in a sleep-deprived state.
Well. Ahem. My thoughts on your characters and their progression. The personalities, as ar as I can remember, are spot-on; they accurately reflect the personalities of their canon counterparts. I feel some very interesting developments will take place between Giovanni and Silver. Giovanni appears to be indeed a little timid, cautious, soft in front of his son; I was expecting something like an iron rule. I wonder how his natural self will show itself, and why it's inhibited in the first place. (Of course, something might have happened in-canon to break his sharpness, and I never read about it, but I can't see how. Please do tell me if it has.)
Well, do please forgive me for the liquefied review. I promise a better one at a more conscious time. There should be more to comment when I have only one chapter to go into detail in and more developments in the story.
