Just A Brother

[Acrutheo]

As a reasonably slow reader that's currently bogged down in schoolwork, you'll have to forgive me for being only able to review one chapter at a time. This is of Chapter One:

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slightly chicken scratch-cursive written

I get what you're trying to say, here, but it's written in a colloquial manner. Possibly a better wording would be "a cursive writing that resembled chicken scratches more than legible handwriting." You could also extend the idiom to the pokemon world, using "torchic" instead of "chicken".

Silver started to quicken his pace to where he was fast walking.

I felt this wording was a bit awkward. Possibly change "to where" to "to the point where"? I dunno, it's a reasonably hard concept to portray in its entirety with smooth wording. XD;

The limbs belonged to him...Green.

Excellent portrayal of envy. ^^

cerelean

Should be "cerulean".

Greens'

Should be "Green's".

he felt as if his heart had sunk and hid somewhere behind his liver.

I liked this. n_n

On the whole, a good, solid start. None of your errors left me in any doubt as to what you meant, but they do need to be addressed. One other thing I think you could improve on is the "show, don't tell" concept. I think you used a good mix of body language and explicit telling of emotion in the story to portray the feelings of the character, so my hat goes off to you for that. ^^

 

[Sydian]

On the whole, a good, solid start. None of your errors left me in any doubt as to what you meant, but they do need to be addressed. One other thing I think you could improve on is the "show, don't tell" concept. I think you used a good mix of body language and explicit telling of emotion in the story to portray the feelings of the character, so my hat goes off to you for that. ^^

Thanks. I have been working on my portayal of emtions, like Asty has pointed out, in my oneshot. That's one of its purposes. >.< That and I just wanted to write it cause the idea seemed good.

But, thank you. I'm taking all this advice and what I've learned through writing Face Down.

 

[Sydian]

Guess who's heeeerrrrre? :D

Sorry for the month long hiatus, guys! But really, I have to enjoy my summer, don't I? ;D So, after a long, long, long wait, I present to you...

Just A Brother​

Chapter Seven: Come and Gone​

Right now, I feel like the biggest loser. I lost the girl I love, my knife, and my life…well, almost. At this point, I have nothing left to lose. Absolutely nothing. It's as if every aspect of myself was drained from me and I'm now walking as a shell of my former self.

As the dramatic actions of Silver were taking place, Blue was safe in a room under the deck of the S.S. Aqua. She was using the computer to speak with Green.

"Did you get it yet?" Green asked on the screen.

"Yeah. Sorry I left it in your pocket!" Blue giggled as she slid a golden ring onto her left ring finger. She stared at the radiant diamond on the band and abruptly stopped her small laughter.

I wonder if he's alright, she thought as she frowned at the ring, no longer paying attention to Green.

Green looked at her, a little confused by the sudden silence.

"Blue?"

"Huh?" Blue answered as she looked up from her daze.

"Something wrong?"

Blue glanced down at the floor and then quickly looked back up at the computer screen.

"Nah, I'm good!" she reassured him while putting on a fake smile.

"Okay, then," Green replied, "I should be getting back to the gym. I'll see you when you get back."

The monitor lightly flashed white and then dimmed to black.

Blue still say at the desk, a little afraid to know how Silver reacted after she boarded the ship.

"Wigglytuff!" a big fluffy, pink Pokemon called as she waddled to her trainer.

"Hey, Wigglytuff," Blue sighed.

"Wiggly?" the Pokemon said with one of its big ears drooping slightly. Wigglytuff continued to stare at her trainer with her big, aqua blue eyes.

Blue patted Wigglytuff's head and gave her a small smile.

"I've just got to straighten out some things, Wigglytuff."

"Wig?" she continued to pester, looking a bit confused still.

"There's just something I should've given to Silver…"

"Tuff?"

"No, no! It's nothing to fret over, sweetie! Don't worry about it, really. Okay?"

Wigglytuff studied Blue's face with her large eyes. Something just didn't feel right.

Blue looked down at the desk where the computer was. Lying next to the keyboard was an envelope with 'Silver' written on the front in a nice, neat cursive writing. She picked up the envelope, her hands shaking a little bit. Wigglytuff still eyed Blue suspiciously, trying to figure out what the problem was.

Blue stared at the name written on the envelope, still worrying about her "brother".

Silver, she thought, mesmerize, by the addressee's name.

Suddenly, Blue felt a quick, sharp pain in her chest and threw the note to the floor in reaction.

"Sss!" she hissed while squinting in pain. "Gees!"

"Wiggly!" Wigglytuff yelped as she patted her trainer on the back.

"I'm fine, Wigglytuff," she reassured the pink fluff ball as she knelt down to the floor the pick up the envelope.

And then it hit her.

"Oh dear," she whispered shakily, "I really, really hope that wasn't like…big sister senses or something."

"Wigg…lytuff!" Wigglytuff shouted in excitement.

Blue looked at Wigglytuff and her eyes gave a shimmer.

"Hey, sweetie," she said as she handed the envelope to Wigglytuff. "You can get this to Silver for me, right?"

"Tuff!!" Wigglytuff answered happily.

"Good!" Blue exclaimed with a smile.

Wigglytuff left the room and headed up to the deck so that she could make her journey, and Blue sat back down.

I hope that can clarify something, she thought as she looked out the window at the floating, pink balloon Pokemon in the gloomy sky.

 

[Ninja Caterpie]

Weeeeee...
I just read all four pages of the thread in 15 minutes...And that was pretty darn awesome, including the report cards >:D

Anyways, I wonder what's in the letter... Hmm...
:)
This is going to be so damn awesome!!

 

[Sydian]

Either you're a really fast reader, or you skimmed it. ;O

Glad you enjoyed it. I actually hate this chapter, and chapter eight is...blah.

By the way, I do realize this chapter is short. T_T I edited it, but there was a lot more that I could've done. Expect some kind of super edit sometime this week.

 

[txteclipse]

Short...*insert epic frowny*. I...crave...more...

Hmm. Envelopes. Wonder what Blue needs to say to Silver? I guess I'll have to wait and see.

And I'm also wondering how the fudge Wigglytuff is going to get the letter to Silver. Floating a la Super Smash Brothers? Using her ears as a helicopter? Rolling along the ocean while inflated? Commandeering the ship with weapons of mass cuteness?

 

[darkcowboy]

Short...*insert epic frowny*. I...crave...more...?

me too

And I'm also wondering how the fudge Wigglytuff is going to get the letter to Silver. Floating a la Super Smash Brothers? Using her ears as a helicopter? Rolling along the ocean while inflated? Commandeering the ship with weapons of mass cuteness?

In the manga, she does it SSB style. XP. Blue's Blastoise can fly too! XDDD I'll let you try to figure that one out on your own. XDDDDDDD

 

[txteclipse]

Blue's Blastoise can fly too! XDDD I'll let you try to figure that one out on your own. XDDDDDDD

Retract into shell and use cannons as thrusters. If it's accomplished some other way, I would be astounded.

 

[Ninja Caterpie]

If it's accomplished some other way, I would be astounded.

Maybe it... uses the cannons as wings...xDDDDDD
Truthfully, I think they'd use the most logical way.

Wigglytuff isn't called the "Balloon Pokemon" for no reason...

 

[Sydian]

And I'm also wondering how the fudge Wigglytuff is going to get the letter to Silver. Floating a la Super Smash Brothers? Using her ears as a helicopter? Rolling along the ocean while inflated? Commandeering the ship with weapons of mass cuteness?

Wigglytuff isn't called the "Balloon Pokemon" for no reason...

Dark lakitu beat me to it.

But yeah, it's a balloon for a reason. And in the manga, Blue uses Wigglytuff as her transportation since she's afraid of birds.

 

[darkcowboy]

yesh. the SSB (Smash Bros.) way is the only way to do it... I would... no i wouldn't. i'm afraid of heights.

 

[Espreon]

I wonder if he's alright, she thought as she frowned at the ring, no longer paying attention to Green.

Good chapter... but "alright" is substandard; it is spelled " all right"...

 

[bobandbill]

Not bad there - some views from Blue now, which is nice to see. I liked it - but it did feel rather on the short side. Started getting into it, and then... what, it's over already? Maybe something to consider there.

No other mistakes that I saw there, though. The intro with Silver though, followed quickly by the switch to Blue... well, just made it feel that Silver's thoughts there weren't quite necessary, especially as due to it I thought you'd move back to Silver, only you didn't. Minor though, but something I noticed. Maybe some more 'showing' description in places as well, but good emotion, and also you've patched up the punctuation in dialogue. Hurrah! Good work on that.

I lost the girl I love, my knife, and my life…

Wow, I didn't know that Silver was a poet or anything... ;)

Nice, short chapter overall, keep it up.

 

[Sydian]

and also you've patched up the punctuation in dialogue. Hurrah! Good work on that.

I did? :'D

Wow, I didn't know that Silver was a poet or anything...

To be honest, I just now realized that rhymed.

Apparently, I had meant to merge the original chapters seven and eight together since both were going to be so short, but I didn't. So I'll probably either end up adding stuff into chapter eight, or merge what is supposed to be nine in there...which would make it horrendously long. But we all know you guys would like that. ;D

 

[Blue Angel]

I have finished reading Chapter 1 and 2, working on 3 as soon as I finish this post. So far I like the jealousy and romance and the pain, physical and emotional.

In Chapter 2, when Silver walks in to his house - there were a few suggestions I want to make.

As he came closer to his small, two-story brick house, he reached out his free hand and turned the knob.

You forgot the e.

The refridgerator door was wide open as Giovanni searched for ingredients to cook him and Silver a meal.

The last part is awkward. How about "...to cook dinner."
I know it's "normal" but to me, it sounds better.

My heart's bleeding even worse than this, father,...

Silver seems to disrespect his father, or be a somewhat rebellious teen. Most teenagers wouldn't call their dad, "father." Dad, yes. But in most cases teenagers don't give a "title" (which is like not giving them respect - and that seems to fit Silver's attitude).
So I advise you take out "father" (because it also takes away from the heartfelt/drama of his statement as well)

 

[Sydian]

Silver seems to disrespect his father, or be a somewhat rebellious teen. Most teenagers wouldn't call their dad, "father." Dad, yes. But in most cases teenagers don't give a "title" (which is like not giving them respect - and that seems to fit Silver's attitude).
So I advise you take out "father" (because it also takes away from the heartfelt/drama of his statement as well)

The father thing is kinda a conception I grew up with. Around here, 'father' is just a fancy way to say 'dad'. It isn't really a matter of respect where I'm from. Not my entire state, it's just a conception I've known from local matters.

 

[Blue Angel]

Oh okay. I'm just used to "Dad", here :p
You responded quickly ;)

I read 3 and 4 and didn't see any big errors(or i forgot).
The gold, shiny things... I have some ideas, but I guess I have to keep reading to find out...
I really felt for Silver when he was bearing his heart to Blue.
The "no heart thing" made me smile as I imagined a pouting little boy talking to an adult ( I know, not what happened, but the look on the boy's face in my head was funny)

On to reading Chapter 5~!

 

[Sydian]

Thanks! :D

And yeah, I'm usually very quick to respond. xD I'm online most of the day. That and this fic just got an update the other day after a month hiatus, in which some people who joined during that time probably had no clue this story even existed. So, I need to keep tabs on this puppy.

 

[Blue Angel]

Oh no... I copied what I was gonna say, but I copied something else over it :(

I've finished reading all your chapters so far BTW. In response to your comment, I did think Chapter 7 was short, but I wasn't gonna say anything, because I know from experience, it takes a lot longer to write than read, and each author has a length they like. It's funny, You said you had to keep tabs on everything, and I was keeping your story on a tab :) (waiting to post)

Well, I really loved the muffin-stuffin' and other humor.

The farewell from the ship(with Silver standing on the dock) could not have been more perfect. It was exactly as I imagined it. The description was just how I had hoped it would be.

The almost-death was unexpected(to me), but I should've figured.

My guess was that the shiny golden things were either rings of some sort (friendship/promise/marriage) or a gym badge. But since you had mentioned no in town gym, I highly doubted the latter. And obviously, since I read the rest, I figured out which.

I was surprised to see the immense guilt for Blue, but it was kind of nice :p
I am glad to see so many Pokemon able to fly :)
(I'm reading about 5 fics at once right now so sorry, can't think of anything else)

 

[Sydian]

(I'm reading about 5 fics at once right now so sorry, can't think of anything else)

Multi-tasking is tough stuff, so don't worry about it. :P

Well, I really loved the muffin-stuffin' and other humor.

Well, for those chapters, I decided to brighten up the mood a little bit before the dock scene. A bit simliar to the scene in Romeo and Juliet with "he shift a trencher, he scrape a trencher!" (if I quoted that correctly)

My guess was that the shiny golden things were either rings of some sort (friendship/promise/marriage) or a gym badge. But since you had mentioned no in town gym, I highly doubted the latter. And obviously, since I read the rest, I figured out which.

Most people caught on to that. (I assume. -shifty eyes-)

Thanks for reading! :D