[Life] Mental health club

[Zaronji]

I just found this thread and am glad I did. I won't go into detail because Starlight explained things very, very well, but that used to be me too. (I've also been the victim of a hate crime...in my case, I'm Indian and was called a terrorist by my assailants). I've mentioned on posts in this forum that I'm disabled, but what I haven't said is that it is all from a violent suicide attempt. At the time, I was completely lost and thought things could never get better, but my perspective on life changed after seeing all the damage I left in my wake. For example, I had a friend in law school who probably was lined up for valedictorian, but he was so worried about me, he bombed a semester but was 100% ok with it in the end because I survived.

I completely regret trying now. This part is hard to describe, but I no longer view things as it being unfair for others to make me live for them. I genuinely enjoy trying to help others, even strangers, and I wished I realized before attempting suicide that it necessarily meant there were others out there who felt that way about me.

It *can* get better. I always tuned people out when they said this to me because they didn't understand what I was going through, but, I'm hoping the fact that I have been there helps maintain my message. I attempted at 28 and am 39 now. While I still have issues of depression, it's well-maintained now (for me, that included anti-depressants, but they are not right for everyone), and I'm glad I'm alive. Unfortunately, suicidalness isn't one-size-fits all, so it's hard to completely understand what anyone's going through, but that does NOT stop people from WANTING and being able to help. If you're struggling, the main thing to keep in mind is that there isn't anything at all wrong with you the person, and it's 100% ok to feel the way you do. It's like getting the flu--in that case, there's nothing wrong with feeling like you have a sore throat just like there's nothing wrong with feeling the feelings you do. However, in contrast to the flu, it's not something that will go away on its own, so the important thing is to get help. That could be support groups as mentioned above, a friend, or even a complete stranger. My private messages are open to anyone who's struggling with anything, and I promise you I will try to help if I can.

 

[Sheep]

I've had a super stressful last few days. Times like this I'm so thankful I'm on medication now, because it has gotten a lot more bearable.. but it's not always perfect and the last few days are an example of that. Sometimes I wish I didn't take certain things as seriously lol.

 

[Fact Checking Gardevoir]

I've had a super stressful last few days. Times like this I'm so thankful I'm on medication now, because it has gotten a lot more bearable.. but it's not always perfect and the last few days are an example of that. Sometimes I wish I didn't take certain things as seriously lol.

I am sorry to hear that, Sheep. Take all the time you need to rest, and feel better soon!

 

[Alex_Among_Foxes]

I've had a super stressful last few days. Times like this I'm so thankful I'm on medication now, because it has gotten a lot more bearable.. but it's not always perfect and the last few days are an example of that. Sometimes I wish I didn't take certain things as seriously lol.

You are doing a fantastic job with the site migration plus all the regular management on top of that. (not to mention anything in your personal life that you may be going through)
Please do what you need to do to take care of yourself, we need our boss at full health, Physical AND mental. We've all got your back!

 

[Crustan]

I just found this thread and am glad I did. I won't go into detail because Starlight explained things very, very well, but that used to be me too. (I've also been the victim of a hate crime...in my case, I'm Indian and was called a terrorist by my assailants). I've mentioned on posts in this forum that I'm disabled, but what I haven't said is that it is all from a violent suicide attempt. At the time, I was completely lost and thought things could never get better, but my perspective on life changed after seeing all the damage I left in my wake. For example, I had a friend in law school who probably was lined up for valedictorian, but he was so worried about me, he bombed a semester but was 100% ok with it in the end because I survived.

I completely regret trying now. This part is hard to describe, but I no longer view things as it being unfair for others to make me live for them. I genuinely enjoy trying to help others, even strangers, and I wished I realized before attempting suicide that it necessarily meant there were others out there who felt that way about me.

It *can* get better. I always tuned people out when they said this to me because they didn't understand what I was going through, but, I'm hoping the fact that I have been there helps maintain my message. I attempted at 28 and am 39 now. While I still have issues of depression, it's well-maintained now (for me, that included anti-depressants, but they are not right for everyone), and I'm glad I'm alive. Unfortunately, suicidalness isn't one-size-fits all, so it's hard to completely understand what anyone's going through, but that does NOT stop people from WANTING and being able to help. If you're struggling, the main thing to keep in mind is that there isn't anything at all wrong with you the person, and it's 100% ok to feel the way you do. It's like getting the flu--in that case, there's nothing wrong with feeling like you have a sore throat just like there's nothing wrong with feeling the feelings you do. However, in contrast to the flu, it's not something that will go away on its own, so the important thing is to get help. That could be support groups as mentioned above, a friend, or even a complete stranger. My private messages are open to anyone who's struggling with anything, and I promise you I will try to help if I can.

This is one of the most mature messages I have ever read in regard to this subject.

Despite feeling suicidal at times, I still cannot fathom the pain you must have gone through. And I really respect you for being there to help prevent others from making the same mistakes, it's a really noble cause.

I wish you the best of health and happiness and hope you live a fulfilling life <33

 

[Crustan]

I'm sad to see that so many are having such a difficult time. I hope you have all found help and support and that you're all safe and healing ❤️





A short update to this post.

I decided I couldn't go on any longer and that it was time to take my own life a couple of weeks ago. I'm still here because of a loved one/unforseen circumstances. I'm still suicidal but I have a tiny bit more fight in me today.

I have entered peer support which involves talking to others that have gone through similar trauma. After years of therapy, it was one thing I'd never tried due to being socially awkward and being absolutely terrified of triggering the other people. I think it has actually helped a little. I hope this small glimmer will allow the old me to return someday.

I want to say thank you to everyone that messaged me after my previous post. I'm truly sorry I wasn't well enough to reply to anyone, but I promise I will reply to each of you. You really have no idea how appreciated those messages were. Thank you ❤️❤️❤️

You truly are a brave soul, Starlight

I genuinely wish I knew what to say about this, but I can't think of anything to say that you dont already know

I'll pray for your good health, and I have seen you around this forum, you seem like a lovely person!

I feel there might be a part of you that knows this too, but Id say it again, you are wanted, and from what I see on this thread, a lot of people are here to support you :)

IDK if it might seem rude of me to say this, but please don't give up love. <3

 

[Orcaline]

A short update to this post.

Spoiler:

I decided I couldn't go on any longer and that it was time to take my own life a couple of weeks ago. I'm still here because of a loved one/unforseen circumstances. I'm still suicidal but I have a tiny bit more fight in me today.

I have entered peer support which involves talking to others that have gone through similar trauma. After years of therapy, it was one thing I'd never tried due to being socially awkward and being absolutely terrified of triggering the other people. I think it has actually helped a little. I hope this small glimmer will allow the old me to return someday.

I want to say thank you to everyone that messaged me after my previous post. I'm truly sorry I wasn't well enough to reply to anyone, but I promise I will reply to each of you. You really have no idea how appreciated those messages were. Thank you ❤️❤️❤️

Haven't been active here at all recently but I hope you're doing better Taylor, I'll try to drop into queup again soon!! Everyone is here for you and I'm glad you're still here; am always just a DM away

 

[Crustan]

I... don't know if I want to hurt myself or not.
I'm tempted to hurt myself, to punish myself, to tell myself that "Fuck you, you deserve this and I hate you", but at the same time I'm far more scared of the pain and how it would affect those near me.

I don't know what I want anymore. Some days I'm fine, the other days I really wanna torture myself.
I know I won't die. That makes this even more hell.

All my life I heard people say that those who commit suicide are cowards. I personally never believed it. And guess what, I'm too coward to even do that.

 

[Zaronji]

I... don't know if I want to hurt myself or not.
I'm tempted to hurt myself, to punish myself, to tell myself that "Fuck you, you deserve this and I hate you", but at the same time I'm far more scared of the pain and how it would affect those near me.

I don't know what I want anymore. Some days I'm fine, the other days I really wanna torture myself.
I know I won't die. That makes this even more hell.

All my life I heard people say that those who commit suicide are cowards. I personally never believed it. And guess what, I'm too coward to even do that.

I can definitely relate--there were many times in the past where the only thing that brought me comfort was thinking "well, I deserve this misery." I don't know your story (I'm here for you though if you want to tell it--I never push though), but I *do* know your posts. Neither of us have been here long, but you've made a large, positive impression on me, and I can tell you're a really good person. The world needs more people like you, and I hope you can find a way to realize your worth. What helped me a lot was having a friend who'd remind me of my worth whenever I felt like that, and I am quite happy to do that for you if you want it.

 

[Crustan]

I can definitely relate--there were many times in the past where the only thing that brought me comfort was thinking "well, I deserve this misery." I don't know your story (I'm here for you though if you want to tell it--I never push though), but I *do* know your posts. Neither of us have been here long, but you've made a large, positive impression on me, and I can tell you're a really good person. The world needs more people like you, and I hope you can find a way to realize your worth. What helped me a lot was having a friend who'd remind me of my worth whenever I felt like that, and I am quite happy to do that for you if you want it.

That's supportive and I appreciate it.

I do not feel worthy of anyone anymore. I just, hate myself. It's the one feeling I carry strongly in me. I am just numb to everything else. I don't feel attached to anybody. I care for people but not to the extent that I should.

Even showing the slightest hint of anger exhausts me. I now only cough as a reflex against my anxiety. It's like I'm coughing it out of myself. The one time I tried to control it, I had a panic attack. I couldn't stop shivering.

I'm that useless.

I just wish I could just end all relations with everyone I ever knew and just lock myself in a room forever to the end of my days.

 

[Zaronji]

That's supportive and I appreciate it.

I do not feel worthy of anyone anymore. I just, hate myself. It's the one feeling I carry strongly in me. I am just numb to everything else. I don't feel attached to anybody. I care for people but not to the extent that I should.

Even showing the slightest hint of anger exhausts me. I now only cough as a reflex against my anxiety. It's like I'm coughing it out of myself. The one time I tried to control it, I had a panic attack. I couldn't stop shivering.

I'm that useless.

I just wish I could just end all relations with everyone I ever knew and just lock myself in a room forever to the end of my days.

I used to think that if I just pushed away everyone who cared about me, things would be easier. After losing some friends because of it, I realized I just felt lonelier and emptier.

I know enough about you already to know that you are worthy. I'm really sorry that you hate yourself, and, having gone through that myself, I wish you didn't have to suffer through it like I did. If you are anything like I was, you are downplaying all the good you do and strengthening any tiny small thing you do wrong. You need to keep in mind that absolutely nobody is perfect, and I hope you can stop beating yourself up for small stuff. How you're feeling actually reinforces that you are a good person, just lost. If you weren't a good person, you wouldn't care about this. You would be like "oh, I made that guy's day worse, sucks to be him!"

You are not useless at all. I've seen your posts in the emotion thread, and you're both worthy and useful.

 

[Crustan]

I used to think that if I just pushed away everyone who cared about me, things would be easier. After losing some friends because of it, I realized I just felt lonelier and emptier.

I know enough about you already to know that you are worthy. I'm really sorry that you hate yourself, and, having gone through that myself, I wish you didn't have to suffer through it like I did. If you are anything like I was, you are downplaying all the good you do and strengthening any tiny small thing you do wrong. You need to keep in mind that absolutely nobody is perfect, and I hope you can stop beating yourself up for small stuff. How you're feeling actually reinforces that you are a good person, just lost. If you weren't a good person, you wouldn't care about this. You would be like "oh, I made that guy's day worse, sucks to be him!"

You are not useless at all. I've seen your posts in the emotion thread, and you're both worthy and useful.

I wish I knew what to say to this. It sums up everything yet sums up nothing. I want to thank you but at the same time I don't think I have the words to express it.

I just don't know what I need anymore. I genuinely don't. It's a godawful state of limbo.

I just want to die today for this one night. Like just not exist in the world for this night.

I don't like myself at all. I tried. So so many times. Every time hated myself more. And there's nobody to talk about this with since everyone goes through their shit. I tried a diary to help me. That didn't work either.

I have friends but I don't feel connected with them. I just don't feel connected with anyone anymore. A guy who cannot love himself just fails to connect with anyone.

I guess in the end that is my true nature. Self-hater. And I tried to fight that guy a lot. I'm throwing in the towel now.

 

[Zaronji]

I wish I knew what to say to this. It sums up everything yet sums up nothing. I want to thank you but at the same time I don't think I have the words to express it.

I just don't know what I need anymore. I genuinely don't. It's a godawful state of limbo.

I just want to die today for this one night. Like just not exist in the world for this night.

I don't like myself at all. I tried. So so many times. Every time hated myself more. And there's nobody to talk about this with since everyone goes through their shit. I tried a diary to help me. That didn't work either.

I have friends but I don't feel connected with them. I just don't feel connected with anyone anymore. A guy who cannot love himself just fails to connect with anyone.

Do your best to take things one day at a time. This is something that likely will not have a fast resolution. If you think it will help you (it didn't help me but helped others), set daily goals. Your goal for today should be just to get through the day and refocus tomorrow. It's hard not knowing what you need, but it's normal and doesn't make you a bad person. Regarding having nobody to talk to about things, we're talking about it now :) Try not to let people going through their own stuff stop you from reaching out. Yes, people are not always going to be available to help you, but that doesn't mean you can't try. Respect "I can't right nows" but keep in mind that's not always going to be the case. For instance, I genuinely like trying to help people, and helping others actually was one of the things that helped me get out of my darkness. I was able to look at myself and think "hey, I made that person's day better!" It didn't mean much at first, but, as I said, take things day-by-day. Now, when I'm feeling down and have my own stuff going on, helping someone else actually brings me out of my negative mood and makes me feel better.--You are only thinking of negative outcomes, and I hope you can see that going to people might just make them feel better too!

 

[Crustan]

Do your best to take things one day at a time. This is something that likely will not have a fast resolution. If you think it will help you (it didn't help me but helped others), set daily goals. Your goal for today should be just to get through the day and refocus tomorrow. It's hard not knowing what you need, but it's normal and doesn't make you a bad person. Regarding having nobody to talk to about things, we're talking about it now :) Try not to let people going through their own stuff stop you from reaching out. Yes, people are not always going to be available to help you, but that doesn't mean you can't try. Respect "I can't right nows" but keep in mind that's not always going to be the case. For instance, I genuinely like trying to help people, and helping others actually was one of the things that helped me get out of my darkness. I was able to look at myself and think "hey, I made that person's day better!" It didn't mean much at first, but, as I said, take things day-by-day. Now, when I'm feeling down and have my own stuff going on, helping someone else actually brings me out of my negative mood and makes me feel better.--You are only thinking of negative outcomes, and I hope you can see that going to people might just make them feel better too!

I tried taking things a step at a time. For 3 years. Sometimes I feel normal. And sometimes I feel like just being cruel to me.

Earlier this morning I had a panic attack.

And I get that being kind to others helps me feel better. It's what I try to do when I feel normal too.

Right now it just feels like a desperate attempt to make myself feel valid. To fight myself and say, "No you don't get it, I can be worthy." While the inner me laughs at me and tells me no and there is nothing I can do to convince him, because he's right.

As for asking other people, I feel guilty of unloading shit on them. I tried a diary and that didn't work either. It's bad to the point that I am scared of crying, fearing it would go to extreme levels.

 

[Fact Checking Gardevoir]

I tried taking things a step at a time. For 3 years. Sometimes I feel normal. And sometimes I feel like just being cruel to me.

Earlier this morning I had a panic attack.

And I get that being kind to others helps me feel better. It's what I try to do when I feel normal too.

Right now it just feels like a desperate attempt to make myself feel valid. To fight myself and say, "No you don't get it, I can be worthy." While the inner me laughs at me and tells me no and there is nothing I can do to convince him, because he's right.

As for asking other people, I feel guilty of unloading shit on them. I tried a diary and that didn't work either. It's bad to the point that I am scared of crying, fearing it would go to extreme levels.

I am sorry to hear you feel that way, Crustan... I support everything Zaronji already said. Since you have come to the forums, you have been friendly, welcoming and caring. You are a better person than you think, and I enjoy seeing your posts on the forums. You should not keep your feelings bottled, but let them flow. We are there if you need an ear to listen and a shoulder to rely on, that is also what friends do. We are with you.
*Big hug*

 

[Alex_Among_Foxes]

@Crustan
I... Know what those feelings are like... Hating yourself. Feeling like you are worthless. Wanting to die....
I don't remember much of my early to mid-teen years, was going through a depression so bad that I nearly killed myself twice. I've got some old photos where you can literally see the hollowness behind my eyes... It's... Haunting... But no one ever said a thing. No one cared. Well, one person did, but they were also going through really bad shit, and more often than not, they just made my days worse. One of the few things that brought me any... Relief from the pain I felt on the inside was hitting myself with the non-buckled end of a belt. I loved the feeling of the pain, but I never wanted to risk leaving marks that would only cause me more problems... I am not that person anymore, but one thing that being in that state for so long did to me, was make it so I have no fear of death. I don't seek it anymore, but I'm not afraid to die... To somewhat echo the above, I now spend what time I have left trying to help make people's lives better in any small way I can, because I know that there are plenty of other things (and people) that will do anything and everything to make life worse for them.

I hope you are able to find some peace among your turmoil.

 

[Crustan]

@Crustan
I... Know what those feelings are like... Hating yourself. Feeling like you are worthless. Wanting to die....
I don't remember much of my early to mid-teen years, was going through a depression so bad that I nearly killed myself twice. I've got some old photos where you can literally see the hollowness behind my eyes... It's... Haunting... But no one ever said a thing. No one cared. Well, one person did, but they were also going through really bad shit, and more often than not, they just made my days worse. One of the few things that brought me any... Relief from the pain I felt on the inside was hitting myself with the non-buckled end of a belt. I loved the feeling of the pain, but I never wanted to risk leaving marks that would only cause me more problems... I am not that person anymore, but one thing that being in that state for so long did to me, was make it so I have no fear of death. I don't seek it anymore, but I'm not afraid to die... To somewhat echo the above, I now spend what time I have left trying to help make people's lives better in any small way I can, because I know that there are plenty of other things (and people) that will do anything and everything to make life worse for them.

I hope you are able to find some peace among your turmoil.

I'm really sorry to hear that. And I relate with the no fear of death.

I too try to be there for others. It helps knowing I'm preventing or at least help to prevent another Crustan. But the one inside me just doesn't shut up.

I don't feel love anymore. Couple months ago I actually liked a girl for the first time in 5-ish years. We're friends but the feelings died when I snapped back to reality. "You don't deserve her" is what I heard. And I feel that with every person now

 

[Zaronji]

I tried taking things a step at a time. For 3 years. Sometimes I feel normal. And sometimes I feel like just being cruel to me.

Earlier this morning I had a panic attack.

And I get that being kind to others helps me feel better. It's what I try to do when I feel normal too.

Right now it just feels like a desperate attempt to make myself feel valid. To fight myself and say, "No you don't get it, I can be worthy." While the inner me laughs at me and tells me no and there is nothing I can do to convince him, because he's right.

As for asking other people, I feel guilty of unloading shit on them. I tried a diary and that didn't work either. It's bad to the point that I am scared of crying, fearing it would go to extreme levels.

You *never* have to feel guilty of unloading stuff on me. I know from experience this is something that's hard to tell someone, but I hope you give me the opportunity to show you instead.

Have you considered volunteering somewhere? I know how intimidating that sounds, but, when I was in your position, I let someone talk me into it, and it helped a lot more than I thought it could have. For me, it was a Soup Kitchen, but anything you can think of that might help you feel valid for even a minute will help in the long run. And please do not forget what FCG said--I can tell you from personal experience things are MASSIVELY easier with a support community, and you have at least three people here wanting to be that for you.

Regarding helping others, yeah, your inner you is going to try to stomp you to the ground at every attempt just like mine did. However, if you keep at it with support, that inner you will slowly weaken until you can regularly defeat him on your own. You are not alone anymore.

 

[Fact Checking Gardevoir]

I'm really sorry to hear that. And I relate with the no fear of death.

I too try to be there for others. It helps knowing I'm preventing or at least help to prevent another Crustan. But the one inside me just doesn't shut up.

I don't feel love anymore. Couple months ago I actually liked a girl for the first time in 5-ish years. We're friends but the feelings died when I snapped back to reality. "You don't deserve her" is what I heard. And I feel that with every person now

Like the others said, we are there to support you all the way, Crustan. Give yourself the time you need, and believe us when we say you are a great person. We are with you.

 

[Crustan]

You *never* have to feel guilty of unloading stuff on me. I know from experience this is something that's hard to tell someone, but I hope you give me the opportunity to show you instead.

Have you considered volunteering somewhere? I know how intimidating that sounds, but, when I was in your position, I let someone talk me into it, and it helped a lot more than I thought it could have. For me, it was a Soup Kitchen, but anything you can think of that might help you feel valid for even a minute will help in the long run. And please do not forget what FCG said--I can tell you from personal experience things are MASSIVELY easier with a support community, and you have at least three people here wanting to be that for you.

Regarding helping others, yeah, your inner you is going to try to stomp you to the ground at every attempt just like mine did. However, if you keep at it with support, that inner you will slowly weaken until you can regularly defeat him on your own. You are not alone anymore.

Thank you...

Like the others said, we are there to support you all the way, Crustan. Give yourself the time you need, and believe us when we say you are a great person. We are with you.

Thank you..