I feel like I'm in a very weird spot, mentally. You know how different groups of people still have some sense of community between each other? Autistic people can bond over their autism, trans people can bond over their gender identity, etc.?
So, a couple years ago I got my SzPD diagnosis. I was suspecting it even before that. But at least that way I got the confirmation. This disorder comes with certain drawbacks, like: acute apathy, lack of emotions (not being able to enjoy much) and a massive difficulty in feeling part of a community. It also comes with a lack of personality ("not feeling like a person") and an inherent lack of motivation (which is why getting better at skills, like art, is pretty difficult for me). To "make up" for those drawbacks I'm pretty resistant to loneliness, I can stay alone for a pretty long time if I want to. I can also make up all kinds of characters and worlds and what not in my head. Though, putting them to paper is extremely difficult. ^^"
So, a little while ago I kinda got an idea to look if there are subreddits for people like me. I actually found some and my first thought was "finally something I can relate to". But it didn't take too long until I realized "Oh, no, these people are exactly like me!". The problem here being that they're all not really the community building type of people. ^^"
There's also still some stuff bothering me on PC. For a couple years I've now tried to interact with people more and work on stuff like empathy, etc. Meanwhile I've seen a bunch of people, new users and old ones, whom I interact sometimes on a daily basis, who seem to enjoy being among each other a lot more and who keep interacting with me to somewhat of a "minimum", I suppose? Even if people do explicitly interact with me in particular (e.g. via PM), they do seem to keep somewhat of a distance and I'm not sure what to make of that.
Like, I know I still have a lot to work on. And a lot of stuff I won't be able to overcome (a downside of a "disorder" is that it's permanent and I'd need to "mask" my way through certain situations no matter what (can I even use the word "mask" or is that something that's for autistic people?)).
Like, I'm really just sitting here, thinking "What do I need to change? What can I do better?"