Europe XI vs South America XI
Europe: 4-6-0 GK: Neuer BACK FOUR: Lahm, Kompany, Ramos, Alaba MIDFIELD: Busquets, Iniesta, Xavi, Silva, Fabregas, Pirlo Striker(s): Ha.
SOUTH AMERICA: 4-1-5 GK: Meh... BACK FOUR: Dani Alves, Thiago Silva, Dante, Marcelo MIDFIELD: Di Maria FORWARDS: Messi, Aguero, Suarez, Cavani, Neymar.
MATCH:
'1 Europe kick off and start passing...
'8 Passing.
'13 Still passing...
'15 Ramos is cautioned for a late challenge on Alaba. Despite the absurdity, no one's really surprised.
'19 In under 20 minutes, Europe not only breaks the record for most passes in a single match but surpasses the total number of passes made by Stoke City in their entire history, including Friendlies and training sessions.
'22 Europe finally scores when David Silva accidently rolls it into the corner with a misplaced pass while attempting to slot in Iniesta who was actually off the pitch and behind the goal receiving treatment.
'23 From the restart, Messi, Suarez and Aguero take turns dribbling past the entire European midfield and defense, only passing to each other by nutmegging their marker.
'25 Messi scores by somehow chipping Neuer from 3 yards out despite Neuer standing on Kompany's shoulders at the time (with the match taking place at the Britannia stadium, a long sought answer is finally provided).
'26 From the restart Europe re-assert their passing dominance. Possession: 92%-7% in favor of Europe.
'31 Europe's passing becomes so rhythmic and hypnotic, Dani Alves actually spends the next four minutes playing tiki taka with his Barcelona club mates. The spell is finally broken when he's bitten out of his trance by Suarez.
'35 Despite having several opportunities to shoot, no one from Europe seems willing to pull the trigger. That is, until Iniesta, upon seeing a supporter in the stands wearing a Chelsea shirt, uncharacteristically rifles a curler with the outside of his boot into the top corner. Despite not having been called up for the match, John Terry runs onto the pitch in full kit to celebrate.
'36 On the restart, Neymar is immediately sent through on goal by Cavani, however a tracking Kompany "trips" him and he's sent flying. Neymar is booked for diving but successfully becomes the the first non-figure skater to complete a quadruple toe loop in the process.
'42 After a rare turnover by Pirlo, who later claimed to be distracted by Xabi Alonso's inferior beard as he warmed up on the sidelines, Suarez, from 60 yards out, lobs Neuer who was standing at the halfway line under the impression that teams weren't allowed to enter his half until at least the 60th minute.
'44 Despite only having 12% percent possession, Alves and Marcelo have been called offsides on three occasions each.
'45 Halftime. Score: Europe 2 - 2 South America
HALFTIME ANTICS:
In one of the private boxes, a guest makes a joke to several of Barcelona's directors about the recent, "taxing" European season. This results in confusion, blank stares, and awkward silence that's only broken by Vincent Tan barging into the box with Platini in order to lobby for the renaming of Europe to "Laser Puma".
Furious at not starting, Ibrahimovic goes into a rage when he accuses Coach Guardiola of making the "wanker" gesture at him. In actuality, Pep was simply explaining to Lahm the proper "wax on, wax off" technique he uses to polish the champions league trophies he won either side of Ibra's involvement with his former club. Ibra spin kicks Pep to the face and the Bayern manager is assumed dead. However, he simply enters a deep, meditative state where Buddha appears and suggests putting in Ibra. Pep subsequently does sub Ibra into the match... at right fullback.
Following this incident, Pep steps down. Mourinho is furious when he's passed over in favor Moyes. When asked if he'll make any changes to the midfield, Moyes appears confused and asks the reporter what he means by a "midfield" before lamenting not having Ashley Young in the squad. Fans finally recognize Moyes' Andy Warhol-esque genius as the first ironic coach.
Second Half... (TBC)
SECOND HALF:
Subs - EUROPE: Ibra on for Lahm, Lampard on for Iniesta. SOUTH AMERICA: None.
'45 South America gets us underway.
'46 Brilliant one touch passing between Alves, Messi and Aguero.
'47 Europe gets nervous having gone nearly 90 seconds without possession. Pundits wonder if this is due to Moyes' tactical naivety.
'49 Cavani slices through the Europe back four, nearly scores but Neuer stops the shot, low to the far post and is up quickly to collect the rebound. In the post match press conference, Alaba is quoted as saying, "His moves aren't so impressive, but the hair. It's just so beautiful. Makes it difficult to concentrate. You try and run your fingers through it, just a little, real quick and bam, he's passed you."
53' Europe work the ball around with pace but the South Americans are sitting deep. Lampard tries his luck with a long distance shot from 40 yards out but it sails just wide of the top corner. The Spanish players stare in disbelief until Guardiola comes down from the stands to inform them that they are, in fact, allowed to do that.
57' Messi goes on a trademark, mazy run which Ray Hudson invents 17 ridiculous words to describe. Ten minutes later # messigasmic # lionelmademypantsmessisterial and # messiaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh are all trending on Twitter. The move culminates in a brilliant stop by Neuer.
'58 Ibra, playing at RB goes Zlatan and makes a run in behind Dante. Neuer hurls the ball to him with his rocket arm but it rifles out of bounds killing ball boy, Charlie Morgan in the process who proceeds to fall on the ball.
'64 While doing guest commentary for BBC Sports Wenger admits to spending millions of Arsenal's transfer funds on English lessons for Adebayor. He conceded it wasn't a complete success but that Adedayor now speaks better English than Rooney.
'66 And they're off! A lovely one, two between Neymar and Suarez sends the Uruguayan through but he's hacked down by Pepe. The Official seemed to initially reach for a yellow but then a butting of heads between Suarez and Pepe results in and all out brawl. Both are sent off and immediately given a 15 match ban from all FIFA and UEFA sanctioned competitions. In a twist, they both use this time off to team up and fight crime on the mean streets of Manchester, the exploits of which are later chronicled in a made for TV movie titled "Bad Cop, Crazy Cop". The villain turns out to be Joey Barton selling a drug that convinces you he could actually walk on to the English National Team. The substance itself is most commonly referred to on the street as "crack".
'70 With both sides down to 10 men the game has really opened up. End to end stuff, but it's the South Americans who break the deadlock. With the Europeans backing off, Thiago Silva makes a rare foray into the opposition half. He finds Marcelo overlapping on the left. The Real man races to the byline and cuts back a lofted ball for Silva who's followed the play into the box. His snapping header beats Neuer to bottom right corner. Silva then celebrates modestly and retreats to his half in a timely fashion without incident because he's a humble, consummate professional and there's not really much else to say about the matter.
'71 While doing commentary for Sky Sports, Michael Owen suggests that Thiago Silva combines the best qualities of Thiago Alcantara and David Silva. Upon realizing it's not a joke, Martin Tyler proceeds to slap the ♥♥♥♥ out of Owen. In later post-games analysis, Gary Neville brilliantly breaks down how listening to Michael Owen's commentary can actually make you dumber.
'76 After a riveting opening 30 minutes of the second half, the match slows down as the two teams of 10 men begin to tire.
'77 In a strange move and despite a strong showing, Aguero is taken off for Palacio. Aguero, visibly upset, is seen mouthing the words, "Really? The guy with the rat tail? This is a football match, not a skateboarding video game from the late 80's." Fans aren't happy either but are unsure who to yell at because in true South American fashion, their manager has been sacked 17 times since the start of the match.
'78 In need of goal, Moyes sends on Torres for Fabregas and shifts Xavi and Pirlo out to the wings. No one understands this move expect a bunch of grad students in an obscure pub in Soho.
'81 AND TORRES SCORES! And absolute wonder goal! Dropping back deep on the left touchline Torres picks up a loose ball and with pace and ferocity not seen since his Liverpool days, makes a blinding run at the South American defense. He brushes off a weak challenge from Dante before cutting inside Thiago Silva and letting loose an absolute sidewinder into the top corner. With the movement on that, the GK had no chance.
'82 All level at 3-3.
'83 A Messi strikes back! Having been quiet for much of the second half the Argentine comes alive. He skips past Lampard to find Cavani running in behind Alaba. The Uruguayan cut in and backheels to Messi who bends a right-footed effort into the bottom corner.
'86 That was close! Torres nearly gets in a fist fight with Ibra over taking a free kick 35 yards out from the South American goal. Torres eventually gets his way and sends a looping swerving effort off the bar.
'88 A break in the action as Di Maria and Lampard get treatment for a clash of heads. Meanwhile, reports coming from BEin Sports indicate that Ray Hudson has been hospitalized for injuries sustained while engaging in auto-erotic asphyxiation following Messi's latest goal.
'90 We're back underway. Free kick for Europe.
'90 The 4th Official has just indicated there will be seven minutes of added time.
'92 Great interplay between Pirlo and Xavi who send a series of 40 yard cross field balls to each other just for the hell of it. These two veterans have held up well in this intense match despite their age. The announcer for Sky Sport Italia remarks that both of them also still have perfect hair. The camera cuts to Zanetti in the stands who looks less than impressed.
'95 Despite being down a goal and dominating possession, Europe looks out of ideas.
'96 TORRES! TORRES! TORRES! This is amazing. The bull may finally be well and truly back! after another series of cross-field balls between Pirlo and Xavi, Lampard shows he's still got it by sending a 40 yarder of his own... except forward to an onrushing David Silva who brings it down with a gorgeous first touch. He immediately sends an in swinger into the box that looks too high but Torres get absolute airborne before snapping a monster header into the bottom left corner.
'97 And the final whistle blows. What a match and what a second half. The most talked about bit of this second half will definitely the battle between Torres and Messi. Those two were trading goals and shots from the moment the Spaniard stepped on the pitch.
'98 Hold on folks... While the match is over and the players are shaking hands, it looks like... A HELICOPTER! is landing on the pitch. What is going here? This is pure- Oh my goodness, It's Pepe and Suarez. How did they find matching leather jackets and aviator sunglasses so quickly? Nevermind a helicopter? Also, Pepe is pulling of a pair of Bermuda shorts way better than you'd expect. They're motioning over to Torres. Torres does a "who? me?" and waves them off. Pepe and Suarez don't like that... AND THEY'RE AFTER HIM! But damn, Torres is quick. Whatever he's done, he's definitely gotten his pace back. However, they got him cornered now... and Pepe tackles Torres to the ground and, Oh my God. Suarez is literally ripping the skin of Torres' face. Oh my. It's horrifying. The skin. is. being. pulled. of. his... This is shocking twist. Suarez does, in fact rip the skin ofs Torres' face. As in the fake, latex skin and that's no Torres! IT'S RONALDO! Well, that explains a lot. Initially left out of the squad due to a strained thigh muscle, it looks like the Portuguese ace was fit after all and deployed secretly and as a seemingly non-threatening Torres. The footballing version of the Trojan Horse. There's no word on whether this was a brilliant bit of tactical trickery by Pep or simply a performance piece by Moyes. Maybe we'll never know. And that's all for tonight. Hope you enjoyed the match.
