The Joke Thread

Status
Not open for further replies.
I have 2 more again,

One evening, Frank was drinking at a bar when the bartender came over to tell Frank that he had a telephone call.

Frank had just bought another beer and he didn't want anyone else to drink it. So, Fred wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that read: "I spit in MY beer."

When Fred returned to his bar stool, there was another note beside his beer: "I spit in YOUR beer you freak.!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.

The Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result.

He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh::laugh::laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
 
Hello, welcome to the phychiatric help me hotline!

If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, please press 1 repeadedly.
If you are Co-Dependant, please ask somebody to press 2.
If you have Multiple Personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are Paranoid/Delusional, We know who you are and what you want. Please stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are Scitzophrenic, listen carfully and a little voice will tell you what number to press.
If you are Manic/Depressive, It dosen't matter what number you press, no one will answer.
 
This place was on the second page. That's just...not right.

Top Nine Reasons Beer is better then Religion

9. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help.

Can't Get It

A new jail warden was being shown through the jailhouse by the old warden.

Soon, after making rounds around the rest of the jail, they get to the cafeteria. In one corner, he sees a group of elderly men laughing hysterically.

Interested, he watches them while the older warden gets his food. One of the men shouts out "63!" and the entire table bursts out laughing. The new warden is totally baffled by the behavior of them. "74!", again a chorus of guffaws ring out.

The old warden comes back to the table where the new warden sits staring, and the new warden asks "What are those elderly men doing."

The old warden smirks, and says, "Oh, those are the life timers. They've been in here so long, they just number their jokes."

Meanwhile another one calls out "2!". Nobody laughs.

The new warden leans over and asks, "What happened?" To this the old warden replied, "Some people just can't tell a joke."

Traveling Pairs

A travel agent looked up from his desk and saw an older lady and an older gentleman peering into the shop window, where there were posters of glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week, and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop.

"I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel. The older lady and gentleman, as could be expected, gladly accepted and were off!

About a month later, the little lady came in to the travel agency.

"And how did you like your holiday?" the agent asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting, and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
 
i have one
once there was a girl named little mary, she always falls asleep in religion class, so one day in religion class, the teacher came over to her, while she was asleep, and her teacher said, " little mary who is the ruler of heaven?", behind little mary was bobby and he stabbed her with his pen and little mary screamed,"GOD ALMIGHTY!", "correct" exclaimed the teacher, 10 minutes later mary was asleep again, and the teacher asked her, "little mary who was hung on the cross?", again bobby stabs mary and mary screams" JESUS CHRIST!", "correct again" replied the teacher. another 10 minutes later mary was asleep again, and the teacher asked her, "little mary what did moses' wife say to him after that 23rd child?" again bobby stabbed her with the pen and she screamed," IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME IM GONNA KILL YOU!"

hope its funny enough
 
Last edited:
Burst ninja said:
IF YOU SICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME IM GONNA KILL YOU!"
Click to expand...

Edit the bit in bold so it is stick then it will be funny.

Most of the jokes in here are funny. I haven't read all the ones from the last week though. Was on holiday and just don't want to go back through them all.
 
State Motto Jokes:

Alabama's New State Motto: You betcha we have electricity.
Alasaka's New State Motto: 11,623 Innuits can't be wrong.
Arizona's New State Motto: But it's a dry heat.
Arkansas' New State Motto: Literacy ain't everything.
California's New State Motto: By 30, our women have more plastic than your Honda.
Colorado's New State Motto: If you don't ski, don't bother.
Connecticut's New State Motto: Like Massachusetts, only the Kennedy's don't own it - yet.
Delaware's New State Motto: We really do like the chemicals in our water.
Florida's New State Motto: Ask us about our grandkids.
Georgia's New State Motto: Peaches, pecans, and Billy Beer - we love illiteration!

I'll post these ten at a time. And I'm really sorry from the bottom of my heart if someone gets offended by these jokes, but hey, they're only jokes after all! :)
 
State Motto Jokes, Part 2:

Hawaii's New State Motto: Haka tiki mou sha'ami leeki toru. (Go home, mainland scum, but leave your money.)
Idaho's New State Motto: More than just potatoes... well okay, we're not, but the potatoes sure are real good.
Illinois' New State Motto: Please don't pronounce the "s".
Indiana's New State Motto: Two billion years tidal-wave free.
Iowa's New State Motto: We do amazing things with corn.
Kansas' New State Motto: First of the rectangle states.
Kentucky's New State Motto: So if the grass is really blue, why are the horseflies at the derby brown?
Louisiana's New State Motto: Where a French quarter costs a thousand bucks a day.
Maine's New State Motto: We're really cold, but we have cheap lobster.
Maryland's New State Motto: If you can dream it, we can tax it.
 
State Motto Jokes, Part 3:

Massachusetts' New State Motto: Our taxes are lower than Sweden's. (In some tax brackets.)
Michigan's New State Motto: First line of defense against the Canadians.
Minesotta's New State Motto: 10,000 lakes... and 10 trillion mosquitoes.
Mississippi's New State Motto: Come feel better about your own state.
Missouri's New State Motto: Your federal flood relief tax dollars at work.
Montana's New State Motto: Land of the big skies, some right-wing crazies, and very little else.
Nebraska's New State Motto: That's "Aksarben" spelled backwards.
Nevada's New State Motto: Good-bye, Mr. Chips.
New Hamshire's New State Motto: Go away and leave us alone.
New Jersey's New State Motto: You want a !%$&*! motto? I got yer !%$&*! . motto right here!
 
I'll continue you on XD

New Mexico's New State Motto: Just Because we're in the US, Doesn't mean we hate it for stealing us from Mexico
New York's New State Motto: 50%+Taxes are new, Citizens love it.
North Carolina's New State Motto: HOLY COCONUTS! Palms are growing in the dead of winter!
North Dakota's New State Motto: Bury Taxes! they'll grow bigger!Now THATS soil power
Ohio's New State Motto: With Extra Taxes, All things are Possible.
Oklahoma's New State Motto: Too lazy to cut Taxes
 
lol! Thanks, ^VAdvancedK9V^. Here's my own versions of the ones you just said.

State Motto Jokes, Part 4:

New Mexico's New State Motto: Lizards make excellent pets.
New York's New State Motto: You have the right to remain silent, you have the right to an attorney.
North Carolina's New State Motto: Tobacco is a vegetable.
North Dakota's New State Motto: We really are one of the 50 states.
Ohio's New State Motto: At least we're not Michigan.
Oklahoma's New State Motto: A lot like the musical, without the singing.
Oregon's New State Motto: Spotted owl… it's what's for dinner!
Pennsylvania's New State Motto: Cook with coal.
Rhode Island's New State Motto: We're not really an island.
South Carolina's New State Motto: Whaddaya mean rise "again"?
 
Dude, no offense but those jokes are old. And you just scared poor Fido, shame on you.

Little Timmy was digging a big hole in his backyard when the next door neighbor looked over.

"Why are you digging a hole?" Said the neighbor
"My ferret died" Said Timmy"
"But why are you making the hole so big?"
Spoiler:
 
Last edited:
State Motto Jokes, Part 5:

South Dakota's New State Motto: Closer than North Dakota.
Tennessee's New State Motto: The educashun state.
Texas' New State Motto: Sí, hablamos inglés
Utah's New State Motto: Marriage - never too much of a good thing.
Vermont's New State Motto: Yep.
Virginia's New State Motto: Who says government stiffs and slackjaw yokels don't mix?
Washington's New State Motto: Help! We're overrun by nerds with umbrellas!
District of Columbia's New State Motto: Wanna be mayor?
West Virginia's New State Motto: Tell John Denver "almost" doesn't count.
Wisconsin's New State Motto: Come smell our dairy air.
Wyoming's New State Motto: Ask about our state motto contest!


THE END!!​
 
These are Tsubasa jokes, but I'm still posting them. My favorite is "Jiggy With It"

OMG, YO!

Spoiler:


Manga Laws

Spoiler:


You Know

Spoiler:


Get Jiggy With It

Spoiler:


Hence

Spoiler:
 
There's a cruise ship and on the ship, there's a magician that has a job there by doing an amazing act. The captain had a parrot that liked to go to the show everynight. The parrot understood the show and since it could talk it would give away everything. Like, "Ohh, he's puttin it in his sock bbbrrrrrrkkkkk" "He put it up his sleeve bbbrrrrrrkkkkk" "It's in his hat bbbrrrrrrkkkkk." And the magician just hated this bird. So one night he just snapped and he pulled out a pistol and he shot the bird. The bird ducked, the bullet misses the bird, it hits a propane tane and blows the ship to a billion peices. The only survivors are the parrot and the magician and while they're floating out in the middle of the ocean on two little pieces of wood, the parrot said, "Alright, I give up. Wheres the damn ship?"
 
Last edited:
No, the humor was empty.

Things an insane Human Being would LOVE to do(that proves insaness):
  • Eat dark chocolate after bombing the Poop Deck
  • Eat 79 prunes in front of an over sensetive Grandmother
  • Comb Their Hair in front of a beehive
  • Insult Michael Jackson
  • Feed the Goldfish Goldfish crackers with pieces of fish
  • Have the dog learn english and give it a hot dog
  • Hanging a cokroach(not knowing why this is stupid proofs dumbness)
  • love Disney(WOOT! I'm not insane!)
  • Hate Pokemon(This doesn't have to be on the list)
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top