What troubles you or is on your mind?

[M.E.R.255]

It's not an easy topic to respond to, but I was just wondering if you wanted to take a load off of your chest and share with everyone what has been on your mind the last few weeks, months, or even years, and maybe see if we can either make another feel better by sharing our own worries or try solving some issues together. =)


You don't have to try to solve my situation, seeing how I've been struggling with it since childhood.

No matter what I create, what I accomplish, I don't feel happy or accomplished.
Whenever I create a sprite, render an animation, try to be original and new do I only question why I even bother.
I can try writing a website from scratch, or look into a game's sprites and try to improve them.
I can make an animated cursor, try making a font, post theories I have about gaming content, even think up a full world of original characters and not relating to any video game and even still, do I not feel happy or satisfaction after.
I can spend hours on a single reply, make it look as fancy and professional as I can, but no matter what, I don't feel like it's worth doing.
Sure, I may smile and pretend its good, that I did succeed in something, but that feeling lasts shortly.

I was raised to always have doubt in what I do, afraid to truly feel happy for it would get twisted into anger and sadness instead.
You could just claim "You must have bipolar disorder" or come up with some easy excuse of why I have these feelings, but I know its not that easy. If you had my past, you'd understand why I genuinely feel like I am a nobody in the masses who cannot do any right and will never be something.
Not special, not interesting, just a waste of human flesh and a faint memory in people's minds that will disappear a while later. A brief emotion, a thought, but nothing more than that.

I'm trying to find joy in being in a forum again, but only after a couple of weeks do my depression and thoughts come back, making me question why I should even bother coming on.
"Will my words not just get lost in the sea of content?
Will I find this topic one week later on page 10? Only to see that a similar topic will take its place, and then again, and again?
Why make sprites when they go unused and contribute little to nothing?
Why draw when there are people who draw much better, and when the drawings you create just don't contribute to anything?
Why make a website from scratch, put loads of heart and hard work into it, when it will just go unnoticed, while sites with hundreds of errors, lack of emotion and effort, little care and love, sites that are copycats of other sites will receive so much more notice than you? (not referring to you guys, I like a lot about this site, but no matter what, I still feel that there's so much stuff I prefer differently)
Why create, spend hours to weeks on something, when someone who barely even tries can receive thousands of views while you get hardly anyone to view your content?"

It's not just me. I see some channels on YouTube that try so hard, do things like create 3D models of Nintendo characters and enemies, despite views of less than a thousand, while I see so many lazy and uncreative channels receive a view count in the millions for putting a meme in their video or just showing themselves play a game. How is unoriginal content being so rewarded, while true effort and creativity gets so glanced over?
Why is it that dumb laughter receives so much more attention than content that should make you feel in awe and inspire you? People that try so hard to be different and new, but in the end get left in the dust while some big-mouth or pretty face will draw so much attention for so little effort or care? People who clearly only are trying to get money in their pocket, while those that try so hard and create content for free receive so little?

I was trying so hard to be in denial about things, constantly keeping my mind occupied to stop worrying and thinking, but no matter what I do, I can only do it for so long.

I'm not the type who just blissfully creates content for nothing; making a drawing when its completely pointless of even existing, only taking up space on a hard-drive and be left forgotten later. I'm not one who likes following a crowd blindly and get hyped, or follow trends. Me being part of a forum or a community is hard because of that, because I feel that I'm not being original or creative by doing things others do... Yet I can't help but still desire making myself a home online; my own website. It's no wonder why I don't have one made yet, because it will only lead to the same depression and thoughts a few days or even hours later.

Like today. I was like "Ugh! I can't stand the way certain forums are! The design choices, the errors, the potential that is not being used! I HAVE to continue on working on my site to show what real creativity and true love can do! oO"
Only an hour later am I like "What's the point... Why should I even open my files in Notepad++ or open up FTP when the result will go unnoticed anyways..."

I just... want to share my love and knowledge so badly.
Help someone, make them feel like a big brother is there to watch over them and help them through their problems; let them know that someone is there who loves them, giving them a happy memory in the abundance of mental scars they endure daily.
If I could, I would adopt orphans who have had it so rough in life, unsure of where to go and afraid to never get loved again just to show them there is more than to be afraid and lonely, and share my experience with them so they know that there are some who understand what they're going through and can relate.
I would want to be the crying shoulder for one who's heart got broken.
I want to inspire people to make a difference, to change the way websites are now today, or for them to see that there is so much more potential inside of them then just doing the same things over and over again.
Making content is meaningless to me, unless it can benefit others and make a difference in some people's lives including my own.

... Well... if you're really curious... I once felt that happiness back when I had a Nintendo clan in Germany. Users with the age of 9 to 16 who looked up to me like a big brother or even as a dad encouraged me immensely to make their lives better. I've never felt that kind of happiness again after I moved to the U.S., because I had to leave the clan... the time difference, with them being in bed when I came off from work, tormented and destroyed me inside. Being unable to help or hear their worries,
unable to be there for them even if I stayed up very late into the night and barely slept just to catch one person reply in the chatroom just broke my heart. Ever since then, I tried so desperately to find those happy thoughts again, but at the same time was so afraid to feel so crushed in my emotions. To finally have some happiness in your life and feel that you matter, only for it to be torn away from you. But I had to move. I had to escape. My mother would never leave me alone and would only treat me poorly as her way of taking revenge on men. Being unable to stand up for yourself, taking beatings and receiving punishments for trying to deflect the blows on you. To hear daily what a miserable excuse of a person you are, just to satisfy herself. I took all of that in, just so I could be there for my clan, for people who endure hardships themselves and just really need someone they can talk to. But after so many years I just couldn't bare it anymore and had to leave as far as I could, leaving behind a country I so loved dearly for how pretty and nice it was. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that I have abandoned you guys. *cries*

So yeah, that's just me. What's on your mind? ^^ It doesn't have to be something as deep as what I wrote just then, it can be a thought on what someone else said, or be a reoccurring issue, like maybe...

• getting bullied at school
• being afraid to fail
• wanting to be more than just a username in the online list
• the concern that a dream may never come true
• the fear that your mental or physical condition will prevent you from enjoying life and always be in your way
• being tormented by your past
• feeling shame of your appearance of not looking the norm of society (weight, looks, stature, ...)
• afraid to say "I love this person" when people may judge you for saying that, or you don't know if he person loves you back

Trust me when I say that I always doubted my own appearance too, and that being in denial or even disgusted by your feelings, attractions, opinions and thoughts isn't that strange to me. I wouldn't judge you if you said that you have attraction to people much older than you or the same gender as you, or loved a movie many people just hated, or have habits that others find strange.

In deviantART I made a journal in which I wanted to learn about fetishes, yes, any fetishes, including inflation, diapers, whatever! Before I did, I was quite judging of these fetishes of "wearing diapers as an adult" or "loving smelly things" and just didn't like feeling so confused and disliking these things, but after reading all of those replies I received, I learned that there were some very good explanations of why they felt this way and learned to be even more accepting of other people's opinions. =) If right now I met someone who was about my age and wore diapers, wanting to hang out with me because they looked up to me, hoping that I could fill in some gaps that were left by their abusive or neglectful parents, I'd gladly take this person out for lunch and then play video games with it. ^^ I was the friend of my grandma, taking her out to thrift stores, because she had no one to do that with and was such a sweetheart (I miss her so much... *tries not to cry*).

I can't say that everyone is as accepting as me, probably have some users that will even try putting you down for what you have to say, which I'm aware if when I said the things I just did about my own self, so replying here may be very hard for you. You may not have trust in me or those around you, afraid to be judged harshly or mocked for your fears and worries, and I understand that, so don't feel that you must reply, okay? =) It's not an obligation, but rather a choice. ^^
If you ever felt trust in me or just really need someone to listen, I won't turn you down, okay? Again though, if I see no PMs whatsoever, I understand its because of what I said before.

Anyways... I may be offline for about a day, maybe few, because whenever I open up my scars or mention deep feelings and memories of mine that I try so hard to block out of my head, I tend to get very fluttery in my chest, sweat all over, and try very hard to hold back my negative emotions or tears. But despite that, I just wanted some of you to see that someone cares or tries to understand how you feel, okay? Even if this topic gets no responds, I just hope it helps someone or may encourage them to share their own thoughts later on. ^^

Thanks for reading, and I hope this makes some of you smile. =)
Thomas (my real name)

 

[Corrin]

What troubles me the most is the bills, my mother has this attitude that we don't need to pay them because she and my step father are over 65 (The age you get old age security here). I don't know where she got this whacko idea but it's ruining hers and my step father's credit and I'm pretty sure they can go to jail lol
But try to tell her this and she'll go on about how I'm stupid and young and I don't know anything.

My step father wants to pay the bills, but she won't let him, like she threatens divorce.

 

[Trainer 766]

I've been deluding myself thinking about getting a girl who absolutely has somewhat no interest in me, when I should be focusing on my studies instead. (I'm still quite young so there's that) I crush easily on girls like the "love at first sight" bs, when I know it's unhealthy and I shouldn't dream big on something I'll never have. But I obsess quite easily too.

And I also have been thinking about my own life, my past, present and even the future. Most of the time in my class, I find myself staring blankly thinking these instead of paying attention to my schoolwork. I wonder if people even think I'm worth something to remember about. Wondering if what I'm doing now really makes a difference and impact my life. Or if school is even important for me when they forced me to learn something I have absolutely no interest in. (I failed this semester so hard because of that one subject which I didn't even pretend it existed) I was supposed live a life that is worthwhile because I dream of becoming a martial artist, which at that time I was a starter in Taekwondo. But 2016 forced me out of my dream.

I'm really depressed recently when looking at my pathetic self, but people will say that I only fake myself to create dramas and make people feel bad for me, when it only makes me feel worse. My friends kinda have mistaken me for a happy self centered guy in which I was during my entire primary school years, but it has changed now. I'm no longer having fun. And my friends don't understand that. So I had to hide my pain and act happy, then only can they acknowledge me. They, along with my family, take my troubled feelings as a joke because they're not used to see me being sad.

I can't think of anything else to add on, there's a lot, but apparently it's painful to describe.

And also, I started experiencing all these earlier this month.

 

[Lunar]

The most troubling thing for me is change, and a lot of it is happening this year. For me, I wish I could just live in my town with the friends I have now and my relatively simple life forever, but obviously this can't happen and it seemed like the day would never come where I had to move away, go to university and in a way, start a new life for myself, however that day is only now a few months away. I've never really opened up about this with anyone but I really hate change and in a sense don't want to 'grow up'.

 

[Somewhere_]

AP exams are coming up. I can't wait until they end- the rest of the year will be a breeze

 

[Spiff]

I donnu man but growing up has been a disturbing experience so far. even with all of these responsibilities and freedoms I have, I feel no more equipped for adulthood than I did after high school. it seems like growing up is just a myth -- you just learn to fake it better as you get older

 

[Alex]

I donnu man but growing up has been a disturbing experience so far. even with all of these responsibilities and freedoms I have, I feel no more equipped for adulthood than I did after high school. it seems like growing up is just a myth -- you just learn to fake it better as you get older

i feel this way too, i think bills and taxes are the only real thing growing up entails. other than that, i still feel like a kid in an older body

 

[Mawa]

Just randoms things like comments I did a while ago that just pop up in my head, or when my someone said a small inoffensive comment but I interpret it in some ways and it keeps bugging me.

 

[virtualboy2558]

It puts me at a helpless situation knowing that you've gone through and suffered these injustices, Merry. =( Knowing that they hurt you so much to remember and wanting to have back those moments of happiness again... it makes me want to cry that there's nothing I can do to comfort your pain because we're so far away. >_<

My own troubles... it's always a struggle to speak to people in real life on my own. ._. I don't know if it's because of the Autism or that it's only because my family talks about stuff I can't relate to or share an opinion on. They talk about how their job goes as such, what their friends are doing, getting certain deals on products, or a whole bunch of technical jargon that I can't understand... and what stuff do I have joy discussing? Video games, children's books, useless trivia, pixel and general art...

My whole life, never once was I able to get them to play Nintendo games with me, either because they have no interest or I was too much better of a player than them... I longed for anyone to play with me. >#< But my childhood came and went... and here I sit alone with a bunch of dusty consoles, no one to play with. .#.

Reading books for younger audiences was more interesting and fun than staring at some boring romance novel or adult book. They were filled with wonder and imagination, where else I struggled to read a history book when I was at school. >.< My mom reads as well... but all of it more serious stuff that I can't get into. And I doubt neither would almost all my family with what I read. ._.

The closest I would be able to get my dream job of being a game developer would be making ROM hacks and making pixel art. After failing in college because I couldn't understand the technical material, Merry showed me his work on SMRPG at the time and I was inspired to do work on my own sprites because of him. =) Though of course... I feel too shy to share my stuff to my family because I was afraid what they would think, or that they wouldn't understand...

Feeling locked out of the conversation, I might as well be a wall or some invisible object to them... I felt so much this way, that I was mostly silent when I joined my family this Easter Sunday. They can't understand what it's like, not being able to talk about anything notable or interesting because you either don't have anything to relate to... or that your life is so boring and monotonous you pray for something exciting to happen, just so you could talk about it. .#. I feel so awkward and scared to talk, it makes me want to cry for being such a pathetic human being...

I also feel like I can never win at any arguments or issues... often told my response is invalid. No matter what I say, it's like my words or opinions mean nothing. ._. At that point, I just more and more kept quiet and not speak out loud of things that bothered me... because I know that nobody will listen or consider. >#<

Lastly... that I would feel like an inferior being, that I would never find love or would only cause pain and sorrow for my partner. My flaws would keep bringing disappointment, and it would make me fear to find love. ;#; Even though I actually do now have a soulmate, and they've been so kind and bring me so much happiness... I feel scared to do something bad that they would break up with me... >#<

That's some of the problems I wanted to share... and I hope that it makes some of you understand and relate to what I go through. .#.

 

[starseed galaxy auticorn]

What troubles me the most is where I'm going to end up after my parents can no longer take care of me. The last place I want to go is a group home. I always worry about these things because I'm often unable to care for myself a whole lot at times. I struggle with cooking and cleaning the most. For those that don't know me, I have autism and varying learning/developmental delays. I also might have Bipolar II. One thing is for sure is that my anxiety is so bad that I can't even function period. My parents want to put me in assisted living and what not, but we haven't had a chance to check any places out. :/

 

[pastelspectre]

what concerns i have..hm. well.

i am concerned about what i want to do with my life. i don't know what to do with myself. my depression and anxiety and my awful, bad thoughts weigh me down, every day whether its significant or minor for that day. i dont have a lot of life experience besides my mental health difficulties and some other difficulties ive been through throughout the education system and my family issues growing up. im not very independent. a part of me wants to be independent but i dont know how to be. like.. i do..

but i dont? i know how to cook easy things like mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, frozen pizza, stuff like that. but i cant cook a whole full course meal. i can do the laundry fairly well, im not too bad at it, and im okay at folding clothes in my own unique way. i know how to vacuum but not very well..im awful at cleaning the house and i just have not a lot of independent living skills. a part of me is really scared to have to do things on my own. im so used to getting help. i dont know if i could ever live fully on my own. i could see myself forever living with someone, just for the comfort of living with someone and because i am scared to live on my own. another part that scares me is that i might have autism. like, that's not bad dont get me wrong. i'd be glad if i have it because i won't feel like a weird child.

but if i don't have autism i'd feel..just weird and out of place bc i am 19 and still very much like kids things and kids toys and related things. i dont know. im also scared of life in general i guess. and my mental health issues. i can feel them creeping back in on me, in the shadows waiting for the right time to strike. at my most vulnerable. im also scared of.. just so many things. im scared that ill die alone and never loved. im scared that the support system i have on facebook will all come crashing down and ill be left with the one friend i have.

im just scared of a lot of things and had to vent about it, i guess. sorry that this turned out longer than i intended.

 

[M.E.R.255]

I'm going to reply to every single one of you guys for taking the courage to reply here, and for being so open... and because I can relate to some/most of you, so perhaps I can provide some help. Not that I need to... this topic is to get things off your chest... but because I want to, and because I care. ^^

You all may not know this, but I'm 27. Yeah. I act and even look like an older teen maybe, perhaps even younger, and to be honest, my mindset is more of a child than an adult. Sure, I can get serious and be quite deep about things (like in this topic) but in real life, I just want someone to play with and hug...

Before I say anything though, here's a fact that I'm very shy to admit.
Me and virtualboy are in an online relationship for 5+ years.
There. I won't flirt and roleplay with him while someone's watching, because that's wrong and distracting, but I will admit that I did indeed listen to my thoughts of maybe just going with my own gender and only loving the person that loves me back, rather than chasing after big breasts and wide hips.
So yeah. Seeing how much you guys are opening up in these topics, I wanted to share that tidbit and show courage to my boyfriend by admitting that to everyone. It's okay if you have a problem with it, I honestly hated those thoughts too, but after so many years you just learn to stop fighting it, and be happy about it. =)

Since the next part is pretty big... I'll put my replies to some of you in a spoiler, okay? So you don't have to scroll through everything if you're just making a reply. ^^

Spoiler:

What troubles me the most is the bills, my mother has this attitude that we don't need to pay them because she and my step father are over 65 (The age you get old age security here). I don't know where she got this whacko idea but it's ruining hers and my step father's credit and I'm pretty sure they can go to jail lol
But try to tell her this and she'll go on about how I'm stupid and young and I don't know anything.

My step father wants to pay the bills, but she won't let him, like she threatens divorce.

My dad's over 60 as well, and just started Social Security not long ago. He also gets a paycheck from the military, because he's retired, but despite having two paychecks does he overwork himself, because of all the debt he put himself in with his credit cards, and the beer drinking, and smoking 3 packs of cigarettes a day.
He also does not listen to me one bit. No matter what argument I bring up, he does not trust me, and I'm 27 years old. To him, I'm just a child, even though I have my own car and am a Journeyman Electrician. ._.
It's quite honorable to see that you want to help pay the bills. =) I really respect that in a person. ^^ Though I can understand how upsetting it must be to try helping someone and then keep being told that you don't know what you're talking about. You really seem quite mature and caring, and it's sad that your parents just don't see that in you. =( There's not too much to do about that... I've tried proving to my dad for years that he could trust me and that I know better, but he'll only trusts the drunks in the bar than his own son, only because they're older than me. I'm sorry that you're going through this right now...

---

I've been deluding myself thinking about getting a girl who absolutely has somewhat no interest in me, when I should be focusing on my studies instead. (I'm still quite young so there's that) I crush easily on girls like the "love at first sight" bs, when I know it's unhealthy and I shouldn't dream big on something I'll never have. But I obsess quite easily too.

And I also have been thinking about my own life, my past, present and even the future. Most of the time in my class, I find myself staring blankly thinking these instead of paying attention to my schoolwork. I wonder if people even think I'm worth something to remember about. Wondering if what I'm doing now really makes a difference and impact my life. Or if school is even important for me when they forced me to learn something I have absolutely no interest in. (I failed this semester so hard because of that one subject which I didn't even pretend it existed) I was supposed live a life that is worthwhile because I dream of becoming a martial artist, which at that time I was a starter in Taekwondo. But 2016 forced me out of my dream.

I'm really depressed recently when looking at my pathetic self, but people will say that I only fake myself to create dramas and make people feel bad for me, when it only makes me feel worse. My friends kinda have mistaken me for a happy self centered guy in which I was during my entire primary school years, but it has changed now. I'm no longer having fun. And my friends don't understand that. So I had to hide my pain and act happy, then only can they acknowledge me. They, along with my family, take my troubled feelings as a joke because they're not used to see me being sad.

I can't think of anything else to add on, there's a lot, but apparently it's painful to describe.

And also, I started experiencing all these earlier this month.

When I went to highschool, I was thinking quite similarly... except I was scared of girls, thanks to the two women in my household back then. I had pretty average grades. I never cared for History, because I thought to myself "Why should I care when Hitler was born? Or when WWII happened? How will that help me in the future? It's not like I get a discount in stores by spouting out historical facts or something."
I'm definitely the type of person that goes "If it isn't useful for me, why bother learning it?".
The only courses I cared about was English, Math, and maybe science. But other than that... I rather played my Game Boy then listen to that boring stuff. *sweat* To be honest, I feel like schools should focus more on teaching you how to learn. Like... how to memorize things that are important to you, rather than force down a bunch of useless information into your head that you'd likely forget later on. Or maybe teach the rights and wrong, while explaining just why these actions are considered that way. =/ "Drugs are bad". Okay... why? Could you maybe TEACH me what they do, teacher? (I've never done them, but I don't even know what they really do)

As for falling in love... It's good to see that you're actually thinking about whether or not to just fall in love blindly. You're questioning how to go on about love, and that's pretty good. Here's something that you could ask yourself whenever you see a attractive girl:
"What else is there?"
Sure, she's pretty, but what else? Does she have any hobbies? Anything in common? Is there more to her than just looks? Most of the time... that's not the case. To be honest, it seems the prettier someone is (not just girls) the more they get things their way just based on their looks, or by manipulating. I know a lot about that, my sister had a new boyfriend every week because she would suck them dry of their money. I'm glad I was able to see that, otherwise I probably would have fallen for any girl. *sweat*

It's hard to follow your dreams, especially when you question if they're worth pursuing. My dream was to live in America, to be honest. But now... I live in a redneck town and hate everyone here. It was only because I saw the American soldiers stationed in Germany that I thought all Americans were upright, intelligent, and honorable people. But people in this town... Almost everyone here is on drugs and constantly lie to get things their way. It's the complete opposite then what I expected. It really broke my heart... But anyways, as for being a Martial artist, you got to ask yourself: "Why do I want to be that?"
Do you want to be able to fight to defend yourself and others? To show off? Or to be skilled in a way that not many are; to stand out in the crowd.

Hmm... I know what you mean with acting happy. I keep up that smile just so people don't ask what's wrong, because most times, they won't understand. The same goes for my friend virtualboy2558 here, his family also doesn't understand at all what he's going through either. To a lot of others, people like us are always considered to be happy with no worry in the world, when that's not true.
I hope that my response maybe helps in any way. =)

---

The most troubling thing for me is change, and a lot of it is happening this year. For me, I wish I could just live in my town with the friends I have now and my relatively simple life forever, but obviously this can't happen and it seemed like the day would never come where I had to move away, go to university and in a way, start a new life for myself, however that day is only now a few months away. I've never really opened up about this with anyone but I really hate change and in a sense don't want to 'grow up'.

I miss Germany and the village I grew up in every day, even though I do not miss the negativity that associated that place... I loved that country and most of its people, but I'll never miss the two people that put me through so much pain. Losing friends can be quite painful, depending on how close you are too them. In my case, it felt like someone close to me died, and I never recovered from it. I suppose you could say "You can always make new friends" and that's true... but you'll probably always remember the old ones, and they will remember you too. Though, you can probably stay in contact on the phone, Skype, Discord, forums, or other places. =) I'm not that fortunate, because of the big time difference, but I think you could though. ^^

Wow! You're going to university? Congratulations! =D I only finished a German highschool and people here have no clue what to make of that. XP Some of those resumes ask in what state I was and what score I had, so they always look confused when I say that I'm from Germany. *sweat* That's why I didn't get hired on for 9 months in America, despite applying in dozens of places including freaking Wal Mart as a cashier. Even they wouldn't take me because of not knowing what to make of my high-school papers, despite getting them translated. ._. I think if you can speak and do Math, why can't they hire you to freaking scan items and give you change? >_>

I'm glad that you shared your troubles in here, Luna. ^^ I'm proud of you for doing that. *hugs*
I don't know if that means anything to you, but I just wanted to let you know that some of us do feel for you. =)

---

AP exams are coming up. I can't wait until they end- the rest of the year will be a breeze

I seriously hate exams and tests in general, so I know how stressful that must be for you. >~< To know that whatever you've learned is being put to the test, while you're unknowing of what you'll face on those days. =/ A word of advice is to find a way to calm down to think clearly, while trying not to get too distracted or learn something new... Like how I kept playing video games instead of studying, and then was trying to learn everything the night before the test out of panic. O_O

---

I donnu man but growing up has been a disturbing experience so far. even with all of these responsibilities and freedoms I have, I feel no more equipped for adulthood than I did after high school. it seems like growing up is just a myth -- you just learn to fake it better as you get older

i feel this way too, i think bills and taxes are the only real thing growing up entails. other than that, i still feel like a kid in an older body

It's like how some people say "You're only as old as you feel" ^^ To be honest, I've seen so many adult babies in my town, that I think their children are much more mature. >_> I was completely terrified of the idea of having to drive on my own or take responsibility, but you definitely enjoy being more independent... or at least some of us do. ^^ I like how I don't have to wait on someone just to go anywhere, and that I don't have to keep asking for permission to buy something, so being an adult can be nice... while work and thinking about the future is quite the pain. =/

I don't think I ever really grew up... while at the same time, I never was a trouble-making teenager, so... I guess I'm a manchild? XD *tries to be silly* I guess you could say that I'm a child at heart, while only being mature when I must. ^^

---

Just randoms things like comments I did a while ago that just pop up in my head, or when my someone said a small inoffensive comment but I interpret it in some ways and it keeps bugging me.

I tend to worry about my own content as well (which is why I edit my replies a lot in fear of offending), and due to mental scars will take certain comments the wrong way... Sometimes really badly, especially because Virty also has his own conditions, that there can be big misunderstandings. Like the time he said "You draw like a child" after I was already so afraid to attempt drawing with a tablet. I did not come online for 2 weeks. He cried every day and I still feel horrible for that, but after trusting him so much I felt mocked and got my heart broken from that comment. What he really meant to say though, was "You drawing style resembles those nice images in those children books". Even though I forgave him, it's a memory I can't forget. ._.
I commonly think too deeply about comments or actions than most people... So if I may misunderstand you, I'm sorry for doing so. =(

---

It puts me at a helpless situation knowing that you've gone through and suffered these injustices, Merry. =( Knowing that they hurt you so much to remember and wanting to have back those moments of happiness again... it makes me want to cry that there's nothing I can do to comfort your pain because we're so far away. >_<

My own troubles... it's always a struggle to speak to people in real life on my own. ._. I don't know if it's because of the Autism or that it's only because my family talks about stuff I can't relate to or share an opinion on. They talk about how their job goes as such, what their friends are doing, getting certain deals on products, or a whole bunch of technical jargon that I can't understand... and what stuff do I have joy discussing? Video games, children's books, useless trivia, pixel and general art...

My whole life, never once was I able to get them to play Nintendo games with me, either because they have no interest or I was too much better of a player than them... I longed for anyone to play with me. >#< But my childhood came and went... and here I sit alone with a bunch of dusty consoles, no one to play with. .#.

Reading books for younger audiences was more interesting and fun than staring at some boring romance novel or adult book. They were filled with wonder and imagination, where else I struggled to read a history book when I was at school. >.< My mom reads as well... but all of it more serious stuff that I can't get into. And I doubt neither would almost all my family with what I read. ._.

The closest I would be able to get my dream job of being a game developer would be making ROM hacks and making pixel art. After failing in college because I couldn't understand the technical material, Merry showed me his work on SMRPG at the time and I was inspired to do work on my own sprites because of him. =) Though of course... I feel too shy to share my stuff to my family because I was afraid what they would think, or that they wouldn't understand...

Feeling locked out of the conversation, I might as well be a wall or some invisible object to them... I felt so much this way, that I was mostly silent when I joined my family this Easter Sunday. They can't understand what it's like, not being able to talk about anything notable or interesting because you either don't have anything to relate to... or that your life is so boring and monotonous you pray for something exciting to happen, just so you could talk about it. .#. I feel so awkward and scared to talk, it makes me want to cry for being such a pathetic human being...

I also feel like I can never win at any arguments or issues... often told my response is invalid. No matter what I say, it's like my words or opinions mean nothing. ._. At that point, I just more and more kept quiet and not speak out loud of things that bothered me... because I know that nobody will listen or consider. >#<

Lastly... that I would feel like an inferior being, that I would never find love or would only cause pain and sorrow for my partner. My flaws would keep bringing disappointment, and it would make me fear to find love. ;#; Even though I actually do now have a soulmate, and they've been so kind and bring me so much happiness... I feel scared to do something bad that they would break up with me... >#<

That's some of the problems I wanted to share... and I hope that it makes some of you understand and relate to what I go through. .#.

Sigh... I've met your family, and I really don't care for most of them. I learned how to have more confidence and be more talkative in real life, but even with that, your family just ignored anyone who doesn't seem interesting to them. Every family reunion that they'd throw in a weekly basis, and every event they planned together, I saw how they didn't even bother looking at us, nor acknowledge we were there, while your mom would just bully you and say it's fun. I really hated that. Yet here I am, trying to move over there to be with you. ._. I'm just hoping when I get over there that we can avoid all that and say "No", but know it'd be rude if we did, even though they don't see themselves as rude people. -_-

I can't tell my dad anything I'm doing, because he doesn't care about my hobbies whatsoever, so I understand where you're coming from. ._. But I care so much about what you have to say, because we're just so darn similar, and because you look up to. ^^ Then again, if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't even use Skype or write in PMs. =) I'm so happy that we both met, and encourage another to not quit our hobbies. ^^ That we did fall in love with another, when we thought no one could ever love us. =) I don't care if your hair reminds me of my grandma, or that you're lanky like Luigi, I don't mind being around you. XP

You're definitely not invisible to me, because us invisible people can see another. =) And you're definitely not inferior to me, especially with how you surprise me with your story-writing skills, creativity, lore, and drawings! =D I always love reading what you write, because you're really darn sophisticated at times. ^^

Well... I got more people I want to reply to, but I just wanted to let you know what I do care about you and don't think you're not worth anything. =O If it wasn't for you... I'd probably committed suicide, to be honest... (and that's not a joke)

---

What troubles me the most is where I'm going to end up after my parents can no longer take care of me. The last place I want to go is a group home. I always worry about these things because I'm often unable to care for myself a whole lot at times. I struggle with cooking and cleaning the most. For those that don't know me, I have autism and varying learning/developmental delays. I also might have Bipolar II. One thing is for sure is that my anxiety is so bad that I can't even function period. My parents want to put me in assisted living and what not, but we haven't had a chance to check any places out. :/

I have no idea what conditions I have, because I don't trust doctors, but despite the mental scars and social awkwardness in real life, I was forced to work and be around others by my dad. ._. It's really scary at first, but you can get used to it when you learn what's going on and that things aren't as bad as we make them. ^^ You can't just fix anxiety or mental conditions, but instead learn how to handle them better and to find ways to calm down and smile. =) For me it's trying to be original and finding things to be at that help me feel better about myself, or to talk about what's on my mind to get it off my chest and have other things I can think about. ^^ I can clean... but for some odd reason a lot of people including myself don't really care about our rooms and such. =P Unless someone may visit that may judge us harshly, I don't see a point to waste hours of my week to do something that will become undone the week after. >_> And cooking takes up time too, so it's not like I'm just lazy, but more that I feel like I could do so much more during that time then wait for some water to start boiling and watch the food get hot. -_-

---

what concerns i have..hm. well.

i am concerned about what i want to do with my life. i don't know what to do with myself. my depression and anxiety and my awful, bad thoughts weigh me down, every day whether its significant or minor for that day. i dont have a lot of life experience besides my mental health difficulties and some other difficulties ive been through throughout the education system and my family issues growing up. im not very independent. a part of me wants to be independent but i dont know how to be. like.. i do..

but i dont? i know how to cook easy things like mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, frozen pizza, stuff like that. but i cant cook a whole full course meal. i can do the laundry fairly well, im not too bad at it, and im okay at folding clothes in my own unique way. i know how to vacuum but not very well..im awful at cleaning the house and i just have not a lot of independent living skills. a part of me is really scared to have to do things on my own. im so used to getting help. i dont know if i could ever live fully on my own. i could see myself forever living with someone, just for the comfort of living with someone and because i am scared to live on my own. another part that scares me is that i might have autism. like, that's not bad dont get me wrong. i'd be glad if i have it because i won't feel like a weird child.

but if i don't have autism i'd feel..just weird and out of place bc i am 19 and still very much like kids things and kids toys and related things. i dont know. im also scared of life in general i guess. and my mental health issues. i can feel them creeping back in on me, in the shadows waiting for the right time to strike. at my most vulnerable. im also scared of.. just so many things. im scared that ill die alone and never loved. im scared that the support system i have on facebook will all come crashing down and ill be left with the one friend i have.

im just scared of a lot of things and had to vent about it, i guess. sorry that this turned out longer than i intended.

Wow, I relate so much to you it's scary. My only friend (or more than that) is virtualboy2558 who lives in another country, while I cannot stand anyone around me. Not that I'm that shy to make new friends... I mean, I learned how to communicate over the years, but I just... can't stand them. They're so... dumb. So false, full of themselves, greedy, dishonest, just... horrible people. -_-

Anyways, I... pretty much cook the same as you. XD I don't feel like trying to learn how to make Italian cuisine from scratch. >_> Who's ever going to see me do that anyways? Or taste my meal?

I am afraid to be around others, because of my mental scars and the way I was raised to fear looking into people's eyes... I may have some mental conditions, but to be honest, even if I did, I don't care. Having people trying to tell me I can't achieve something because of some reason will make you believe in that. A doctor ones said to my mom "Your child has Autism, balancing problems, and doesn't speak. He will never ride a bike nor ever say a word."
What was really going on is "I was a weak, starved child, abused so much that I was afraid to say a word or open my mouth."
Most doctors don't think about how you were treated in the past, or what goes on in your family. They only see perfect families with nothing wrong but things that go on in their heads or bodies, that's it. I believed in his "never ride a bike" bull**** for so long, that I didn't try riding one until I was around 16. Yes. All because a doctor made that claim. So no, don't believe you're limited just because of someone telling you that.

Sorry for rambling on... anyways...

I still have my first SNES at the age of 27. Yeah. I'm still quite the manchild, I guess. =P Heck, I got Amiibo in my room, Pokémon plushies, and draw adorable things at times while playing Nintendo games and focusing on my nostalgia, but hey! If it makes me happy... why change it? Should I really start drinking beer like my dad and smoke packs of cigarettes a day? Should I really start swallowing a bunch of pills and drink coffee every day? I never drank a cup of coffee, yet am more awake then most people I meet. *sweat* I feel like when you get attached to stuff like coffee, your body just gets used to the idea of requiring it every morning. But since I never started... my body just has to wake up on its own. =)

Despite being quite the kid inside, I was able to talk quite maturely in this subject, so... unless I have a pacifier in my mouth and need someone to change my clothing, I think I'm mature enough. =P To be honest... when I was back in Germany, I've seen some very mature people... But they were so... hateful. So serious, so angry. They would call the cops on you just for disturbing their nap. I kept seeing what jerks they were, I never wanted to grow up like them. >_> They probably are this way, because they think "having fun" is too immature for them. -_- I think having imagination and creativity should not be something to be ashamed of. =O Heck, it helps! ^^ You can learn how to handle certain situations more creatively, improvise, and understand children better. =) I see soooo commonly adults that just don't know how to treat their kids, just because they forget how to think like one and get into their mindset. =/

As for the love part, my first and only relationship I have so far (and probably only will have) was at the age of 22. Yeah. That old. Only because of how shy I was. We met on deviantART and shared a lot in common, especially our fear of being with someone. =) I'd recommend to try coming across someone you can relate with, rather than someone who looks hot, because... looks aren't ever-lasting, and having nothing in common will only serve to a short-lived marriage or to many problems later on. =/ However, it's still an online relationship, thanks to being in different countries, which is very hard and heart breaking at times. ._. But, I can say that we understand another better than anyone I've met. ^^ And with us being so far apart yet so loyal only proves how much we love another. ^^
Hmm... but ever since being in a relationship was I noticeably more calm around women and a lot more focused... A lot of girls seem to find that attractive, because I got hit on a few times. >_> I suppose if you want to get into a relationship, you could just show confidence and leadership skills, while also showing that you have a soft and fun side that they can enjoy, while also feeling protected. =)
But to be honest, I don't think you should pretend to be someone you're not. Even though you may end up in more relationships by pretending, you wouldn't be happy in the end. Again, I've only been in one relationship, but I know that lying will always make you feel bad in some way.

Sorry for the long comment. *sweat*

I hope you don't mind my comments I made...
Anyways...
Don't be afraid to share more of your troubles, everyone. =)

 

[TequitoClown]

If you're too nervous to say it in this thread, I'm open to PMs. Life's hard, but I know every single one of you will succeed and get rid of those awful fears and anxieties <3

So I'll go ahead and post my stuff.

I'm so sick of having depression and anxiety. I've had it all my life, and many others have too. It's not the most uncommon thing ever. It's made me go to the hospital twice this semester alone. I even blacked out in class before a speech. Of course it bothers me a ton, but what bothers me even more is that the teachers mock me for my attendance. I have doctor's notes every time I'm out, and I make up all my work. But no, I have to go to court if I'm out any longer, Because that makes sense. Hmpft.
Another thing is my best buddy. I've known him for about 5 years and I'm worried he might not care anymore. I feel like he's shoving me away anymore, or just doesn't want to talk. I love him and I don't want to let him go, so I'm super worried about that.
I have no time for anything. I want to RP, improve my security IRL and online, but it takes my entire weekend to do anything. I want to rest, and then before i know it it's Sunday night with school right around the corner. I've been so stressed that I twitch nonstop. I want to hike, but I get asked a million questions of where I'm going and what I'm doing that it stresses me. Then I can't go alone because my dad is so paranoid that someone is going to shoot me. I have no idea where this fear comes from, but it's only me and he's afraid I'll get shot? It's extremely unhealthy, but he won't listen to me. If I'm going to the middle of the woods in a strictly enforced no-hunting zone, then I think I'm good. I just want to go for a walk to clear my mind. I can't do that, so I resort going to my grandparent's house. Ever since my papaw passed, it's nothing but a depressing atmosphere of nostalgia and looking at his stuff. So I'll hang out my neighbor's, right? They're nice to me! Nope. They've been so busy because one of them is in the hospital that it's a wreck there too. Drawing? Nope, not even my music can drown out my dad yelling at the TV, my mom constantly cleaning, my dogs barking, ect. I get SOME relief at night, but it doesn't matter because I'm sleeping. I have to force myself to stay up late so I can get some relief. The only other place I can go is outside at night, light a mosquito-repelling candle, and sit there. But then everyone else comes out with me and stresses me more. I have to stick my eyes in my 3DS and weather it out. It's been 5 months of this and I'm so stressed I go through a pack of gum a day to stop myself from grinding my teeth.
Last thing: I'm not worth talk to apparently. All conversation I try to make is brushed off. I guess I'm annoying or I just do it at bad times? Maybe I suck at making conversation so bad nobody wants to chat? I don't know. Just a little one I wanted to throw out.

Welp i'm done, have a good day everyone!