choose your adventure #1

you have been thrown into a pit with no hope of escape, save for the two tunnels ahead of you. no one is going to save you, you do not have a phone, there is no deus ex machina moment that is going to get you out of your current predicament. you observe your surroundings and see your mysterious captors have laid out some food and water to get your strength to full capacity. a torch hangs on a nail above the food. it seems that their motives are purely to watch you complete your chosen trial ahead. you notice two clipboards (of all things) on the wall next to each respective tunnel, detailing what lies ahead should you choose to go down that path.

tunnel #1

DOWN THIS TUNNEL, A GRAVE DANGER OF A MARSUPIAL NATURE AWAITS YOU. LIKE, NOT EVEN JOKING. ONCE YOU HAVE COMPLETED THE WALK IN THE DARKNESS, YOU WILL FIND A SMALL CAVE WITH A KANGAROO GUARDING THE EXIT TO FREEDOM. YOU WILL HAVE TO FIGHT & KILL THIS KANGAROO IN ORDER TO BE ALLOWED FREEDOM. A MACHETE WILL PRESENT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL TO AID YOU. THE KANGAROO WILL BE HIGH ON PCP.

PHOTO OF THE KANGAROO:

Spoiler:

IF YOU SURVIVE, A MEDICAL TEAM WILL TREAT YOUR WOUNDS AND TAKE YOU HOME. GOOD LUCK.

Click to expand...

tunnel #2

DOWN THIS TUNNEL, A GRAVE DANGER OF A SIMIAN NATURE AWAITS YOU. AFTER WALKING IN THE DARKNESS, YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF AT THE BEGINNING OF A SLIGHT DOWNWARD SLOPE, LIT FOR YOUR SAFETY AND CLEAR OF ANY BRANCHES, POTHOLES AND THE LIKE. ONCE YOU HAVE GONE PAST 10 METRES ON THE SLOPE, A CAGE OF THREE AVERAGE SIZED BUT SHREDDED CHIMPS WILL BE RELEASED AND BEGIN CHASING YOU. IF YOU ARE CAUGHT, YOU WILL DIE. IT WILL TAKE THEM EXACTLY 30 SECONDS TO CATCH UP TO YOU IF YOU DO NOT START RUNNING IMMEDIATELY. THE SLOPE WILL TAKE TWO MINUTES TO COMPLETE.

PHOTO OF CHIMPS:

Spoiler:

IF YOU SURVIVE, A SMALL MICROCHIP IN THE CHIMPS WILL ACTIVATE AS SOON AS CROSS THE EXIT THRESHOLD AND THEY WILL CALMLY FALL ASLEEP. YOU WILL BE TAKEN BACK HOME. GOOD LUCK.

Click to expand...

for the sake of the exercise, you cannot choose to just wait and starve or whatever. don't be that kind of person. you have to make a choice - which scenario would you rather pin your hopes on surviving?
choose your adventure.

okay but can the kangaroo be convinced to share the pcp

if not i'll take the chimps. at least i have a chance of getting away without a fight that way. i can run quick enough and i don't think chimps are as fast on their feet as people are - they need branches for that, but there aren't any on this slope.

Razor Leaf said:

okay but can the kangaroo be convinced to share the pcp

Click to expand...

the kangaroo ingested all the pcp minutes before you arrived. it has a radio with two songs on the cd - sandstorm by darude & firestarter by the prodigy.
it has been waiting for this moment.

Post of the year right here.

I honestly think I would pick he kanagaroo. I think a kanagaroo would have a better shot at killing me, but I'd prefer a one-on-one then a three-on-one.

Is there a chance that the kangaroo has gone rogue on pcp and I can just walk by him while he eats his own shit? Cause then I'd like my chances even more.

i was really hoping to wait it out until my boy el chapo comes to my rescue but since that's not an option i'll take tunnel #2. i'd have much better luck outrunning a few chimps over a kangaroo with legs for arms.

El Héroe Oscuro said:

Post of the year right here.

I honestly think I would pick he kanagaroo. I think a kanagaroo would have a better shot at killing me, but I'd prefer a one-on-one then a three-on-one.

Is there a chance that the kangaroo has gone rogue on pcp and I can just walk by him while he eats his own shit? Cause then I'd like my chances even more.

Click to expand...

the kangaroo is a prolonged user of pcp due to kangaroos having higher resistance levels than humans - higher dosage, strong tolerance. however, he is not immune. if you can time it right, you may be able to take vital attacks during brief moments of trying to scratch the bugs underneath his skin. but he may be overcome by pcp bloodlust to a point where he can ignore the bugs long enough to eat your face, he is too erratic to know for sure.

I'd take tunnel #1 for the pure reason of being scared to death of big chimps. Hopefully I'd be able to outwit the Kangaroo

tunnel #1. kangaroo time mate

tunnel #2 because I trust my abilities to run in a life or death situation more than my abilities to fight. that kangaroo would annihilate me.

a pretty decent split between kangaroo/chimp so far

interesting

Im going with tunnel #1 because I can't outrun the chimps, and feel like I could stall out the kangaroo and wait for an opening to attack his legs.

IIRC chimps can easily outrun humans when they're on four legs, so I wouldn't even attempt tunnel #2 based on that alone. I'll take my chances with the kangaroo and go with tunnel #1. Maybe I could wait for it to slip up and put it in a chokehold or something.

i rather keep more food and go to the tunnel 2, then feed the chimps that are f*cking chasing me. I ran out and done.

are you sure you are not on pcp harley quinn?

Kangaroo.

Mostly because those chimps are terrifying looking and I have a weird fear of being chased by something that looks like that, much less 3.

I think I have put too much effort on the pcp and not the fact that you have a machete at your disposal.
You also have a torch. Arguably just as valuable as the machete given the kangaroo's susceptibility to bright lights while on the substance.

The beefy kangaroo made me laugh

I choose the first tunnel. Kangaroos are really strong but I know I'd have a better chance defeating it than out running chimps. I'm 100% sure the chimps would catch me. Also I fucking hate chimps and would be actually mad if that's how I died. Anyway instead of eating the food id take it with me and see if I could somehow coax the kangaroo with food first, and if that doesn't work having a torch and a machete makes me feel slightly better. Somehow being trampled to death by a kangaroo seems more pleasant than a trio of asshole chimps ripping me apart

Tunnel #1

I've always wanted to fight a kangaroo on PCP ever since I was 11. I was taking a vacation with my folks down to the Land Down Under, specifically near Beerwah. We were visiting the Australia Zoo when all of a sudden some goddamn smart-alleck Kangaroo stole my cotton candy. "Pouchy mofo, that's my fluffy sugar. Give it, bicth!"

The kangaroo then flipped me the bird, hopped onto a bench, donned some shades, then did the Michael Jackson moonwalk to the tune of AC/DC's Back In Black before spinning three and five-eigths times and hopping off. I naturally gave chase. We got as far as the parking lot when a '73 Ford Falcon Coupe XB GT nearly ran me over. Out came another kangaroo, sporting a leather jacket, the back of which was embroidered with a koala throwing up the horns. A MOTHERFUCKING ACCOMPLICE. Before I could get back up, the thief kangaroo hopped into the car and they both drove off into the sunset blasting Rolling Stones, leaving me beaten, exhausted, and deprived of cotton candy. The bastards.

I then swore right then and there that for as long as I lived, I would not rest until every kangaroo on the planet was dead. Sadly, the Australian parliament did not approve of this and immediately barred me from entering the country for about 14 years.

That 14 year ban is almost up. Soon...vengeance will be mine....starting with Tunnel #1. That PCP addict pouch-hopper will be the first to taste the sweet, steely embrace of justice.