Being friends with someone who hurt another friend

Alfieri

Alfieri

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    I'm curious about other's insights. The question I pose to you is:

    Is it okay to be friends with someone who hurt one of your other friends in the past? Is it justified for the friend who was hurt to tell you not to be friends with the person who hurt them? Does it ultimately depend on the situation, such as if the person being hurt was hurt through emotional drama or physical abuse?

    I've had these situations happened to me twice but the person being hurt through emotional means. Ultimately I chose to stay friends with the other person because the past is the past and those people have done me no wrong. If it were physical abuse, I'd dropped those people immediately.
     
    I try to avoid personal drama as much as possible, unless I'm directly involved, which rarely happens. If someone is nice to me, I'll be nice back, and I'm not going to hurt that relationship because there is beef between that person and another friend of mine. Unless it's some serious abuse, I'm just going to ignore it.
     
    I don't think it's right for anyone to dictate who you are friends with, if the one that was hurt doesn't like them that's their problem. But that being said if the person physically abused the other then I wouldn't want to be friends for my own safety. I've had people in the past that told me not be friends with people they didn't like and I just ended up with me having enemies for no reason. They eventually made up and I was left as the bad guy.
     
    I've been friends with people who have been at odds before, and been in the position where I'm at odds with someone who has mutual acquaintances, and I've always taken the attitude that it's none of my business. I'm solely concerned with is their relationship with me. It's not my concern if they happen to know other people I also know, or if they don't get along with them. I'm not going to choose sides - I'm not six years old on the playground anymore, thank you - and I am definitely NOT going to be piggy-in-the-middle.

    If two people I know have a problem, they can resolve it by themselves. If they ask me not to associate with the other person, or relay messages, I will tell them the exact same thing each time. I don't associate with groups; I associate with individuals, and just because an individual acts differently around other people is no reason for me to cut ties with them, or whatever else. So long as they don't cross me, they can do whatever they like with whoever they like. As I said, not my business. That kind of interpersonal drama is exhausting and I don't want it in my life anymore, so I don't. Simple as that.
     
    two of my very good friends went out once, and now they don't.

    there is no love lost between them. which is a bit of a weird saying in this case because there's a lot of love lost.

    anyway I'm still close with them both. it's a bit weird tho as I was closer with one of them before the breakup and now I'm closer to the other one now that they've broken up. and they're both mature enough to understand that my friendship with them is not affected by whether they're together or not. well. except for the fact that I won't see them both at the same time!
     
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    Eh. Honestly, this is why I'm no longer a peacekeeper. It's too emotionally draining, and while I used to try my best to smooth it over and rekindle the original friendship, I've decided that the two having trouble can be adults and work it out themselves. Lend an ear if need be, sure, but I'm done fixing every woe between mutual friends.
     
    I think it would depend on what they did to hurt the other person, if it's something small that they'll get over, I'd say it's ok. But something bigger I'd say it could get pretty messy and I wouldn't want to be involved :c
     
    I hate picking sides when something like this happens, especially since I'm the kind of person who can easily empathize with both sides and can generally see where people are coming from and why they're making their choices or reacting a certain way. But occasionally fights or situations crop up where you can't just sit on the fence or carefully mediate. I hate those, but usually I end up sticking with the friend I'm either closest to or, if they were relatively equal in how close I was to them, I guess I generally err on the side of who felt more morally right...?

    Man, that sounds cold to say it that way. I think in reality though, if anyone ever has such a serious falling out that it affects who I feel I can safely be friends with, I tend to shy away from both parties entirely because that's not the kind of interaction I want to be tied up in in my life.

    Thankfully I don't think I've been in this situation very often. Any friends I have who were abused and escape it are thankfully people where I just had no connection to their abuser so there wasn't even a point where I had to pick sides. I could just stand in and be supportive where needed and not have to worry about how the other side saw me because they didn't even know me. It's my understanding that these situations are the ones where you have to be extra careful when it comes to "picking sides" because essentially even by staying neutral, you're generally choosing the abuser's side by letting their actions slide. :/ I'm sure that's not the case for every situation but it's something I try to keep in mind.
     
    Other people don't get to dictate the relationships you have with others. That said, if someone did something truly awful or abusive to another person, then I would question why you would want any relationship with such a person. Just because what they did doesn't affect you doesn't mean they didn't do it or make their actions less crappy.

    It obviously depends on the situation and the severity. "Joe doesn't invite Vishesh to his parties" is completely different from "Joe bullies Vishesh and makes racist jokes whenever he's around." I don't think we should reward unacceptable behaviour with friendship.

    A few years back, my best friend and I had a falling-out, and I asked our mutual friends not to take sides. Around when said ex-friend tried to hack into my e-mail and started saying nasty stuff about me in public, they stopped being friends with my ex-friend. To this day, they are friends with me, but not with my ex-friend.

    ~Psychic
     
    Generally speaking it depends on the situation, there are plenty of instances where it could simply be minor or even ridiculous drama which I have no business getting involved in. In many cases, the less I know, the better off I am, since I won't bother to pry or find these sorts of things out unless something is REALLY bumming my friend out badly and they've turned to me to cheer them up.

    Furthermore I'm generally a really forgiving person, and I'm actually wise enough to acknowledge the absolute 'wtf'-ness of any dramatic situation and just shake my head and not partake of the battle. Everyone has their own things, struggles, feelings and basic needs. Who am I to interfere with that unless someone I care about is directly harmed in a significant way? Where emotions get involved it's best that I not invest too much, because I'm too logical not to go "What the ****?" and hurt feelings and too easily emotionally invested to the point where I'll bull around and really make a mess of things in my quest to set things right. This is not a state of mind people typically want to see me in.

    But that too is one of my strengths. As far as my own personal sanity goes, I'm pretty stable. I just don't handle external drama well enough to want to subject my own personal sanity to that instability very often. It often goes poorly. x3
     
    unless some kind of abuse has taken place between my feuding friends, i probably won't act on it or reject either side. not really my business, and i personally prefer to stay away from drama if i can help it. i've been the middle man and i've also been the one upset about a friend talking to someone who hurt me. it's all very tiring.. and honestly people deserve to talk to who they want, so i don't humor those kinds of emotions anymore.

    again, unless abuse is involved, i'll kindly stay out of it thank u.
     
    Cherrim said:
    I hate picking sides when something like this happens, especially since I'm the kind of person who can easily empathize with both sides and can generally see where people are coming from and why they're making their choices or reacting a certain way. But occasionally fights or situations crop up where you can't just sit on the fence or carefully mediate. I hate those, but usually I end up sticking with the friend I'm either closest to or, if they were relatively equal in how close I was to them, I guess I generally err on the side of who felt more morally right...?
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    Pretty much me whenever I'm in this situation. I'm never fond of choosing as I tend to hear stories from both sides and give their viewpoints some thought over. Sometimes I kinda feel guilty that I know something the other person doesn't. In the end, though, like the others said I try my best to not get involved with whatever's going on and let them talk it out if they please.
     
    Honestly, what goes between them is their problem and not mine. Unless it seriously involves me - like others have said, I too also hate taking sides. Arguments aren't suppose to decide who's your friend and who you should stop being friends with.
     
    Depends. I guess it's okay if the person regrets it. My friend Tom didn't like my friend Ashley when he first met him (and he was a little mean to him, I admit - he thought Ashley's voice was annoying), but now they're very good friends and Tom regrets having been so mean.

    A lot of the bullies at my high school have mellowed out since graduation. At least one of them is friends with me now. People change their views and outlook of life. We should leave the past behind and move forward.
     
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    If someone's done nothing to you then you're only making problems for both yourself and them if you decide to burn bridges with them over unrelated matters. I don't care if a friend of mine has some problem with another friend of mine. As long as it doesn't impact me, I'm not going to go looking for trouble whilst wasting friendships in the process. To answer the questions directly,

    Is it okay to be friends with someone who hurt one of your other friends in the past?
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    Yep. Other people are allowed to have problems with each other. It's not my business, and nothing good will come from me making it my business.

    Is it justified for the friend who was hurt to tell you not to be friends with the person who hurt them?
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    Nope. I don't want my friends imposing their own drama on me.

    Does it ultimately depend on the situation, such as if the person being hurt was hurt through emotional drama or physical abuse?
    Click to expand...

    Only if it's something that you'd not be friends with someone over anyway. The identity of the people involved is irrelevant.
     
    I've hurt people in the past but I am still really good friends with really close friends of those people. I guess it really just depends on if said friend is able to accept you knowing what you did to the other person. I am sure there are situations where they might see you as a really bad person and push you away as well.
     
    It all depends on the situation. If someone abused a good friend of mine and I were friends with them I probably wouldn't want to be around someone like that.

    If it's just petty drama and someone's like "oh don't be friends with them because they said this to me" or if they just dislike the person then no. It'd be obvious if this were the case.
     
    So the general consensus is that you'd stay friends with that person as long as it wasn't something really serious.

    Another question I feel like posing that can relate to this is:
    There's an old saying of "any friend of theirs is a friend of mine" so shouldn't that work the same way for the case of an enemy? Wouldn't it be more acceptable to listen to a friend's drama and show your loyalty to the friendship by avoiding their enemies as well?
     
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