Fanfiction Lounge

[Sydian]

Well! I've had enough drama for today. Hmmm....normally this place has been overtaken by random fandom.

I am writing my fic and came accross a problem. In a scene when the boy is eating a graonala bar, I was trying to describe it. I wrote a sintence and it sounds fuuny, but does it make since

The soft chewy granola crunched in between his teeth

The only time I had to describe eating something, it was like this:

Gold grabbed six blueberry muffins from the refrigerator and ran over to the couch.

"EAT!" he yelled as he stuffed a muffin in Silver's mouth. "Eat like a Grumpig!!"

"Ionteefooeet!" Silver shouted through the muffin. He grabbed the pastry and pulled it out of his mouth. "But, if it makes you happy," he took a bite of the muffin. "I'll eat it." He finished with his mouth full.

Gold nodded in approval and ate a muffin for himself. He walked back over to the refrigerator and noticed a sheet of paper in the floor.

"Hey," Gold called as he picked up the paper to examine it. "I think this is a note from your dad,"

"What's it say?" Silver asked while finishing his muffin.

Obviously, I didn't really describe the eating of the muffins. It just seems a little unessescary, unless the person is eating something that's important to the story...like in a survivaly story. Take Hatchet for example. It always gave description of Brian eating because he was out in the wilderness and it took him a good while to figure out how to get food.

Hope that helps.

 

[Buoysel]

Are you implying that the British have no Fourth of July? Because they do. It's inbetween July 3rd and 5th.

-_- I say that old joke every 4th of July.

No they have it. It must suck to watch us celebrate this day, considering what happened.

Obviously, I didn't really describe the eating of the muffins. It just seems a little unessescary, unless the person is eating something that's important to the story...like in a survivaly story. Take Hatchet for example. It always gave description of Brian eating because he was out in the wilderness and it took him a good while to figure out how to get food.

Not really, mabey you could tell me if the sentence is best removed.

Here is the paragraph with the sentence in question.

It was a nice morning. The air was crisp, and clear. Songs of birds filled his ears. When he reached the bus stop, he sat his backpack down, and opened the granola bar. He took a bite of it. The soft chewy granola crunched in between his teeth. He pulled the ball out of his pocket and looked it over again. He had no idea what it was for, but it did look cool.

 

[Sydian]

My problem with that paragraph is that it's listing descriptions. That and I think it's really unessecary to describe eating that granola bar. It just sticks out. And you don't need a comma after crisp(in the second sentence).

Try to make the description flow more. You're just kinda listing it off. It was A. It was B. He did C. he put D down. You see?

 

[Buoysel]

My problem with that paragraph is that it's listing descriptions. That and I think it's really unessecary to describe eating that granola bar. It just sticks out. And you don't need a comma after crisp(in the second sentence).

Try to make the description flow more. You're just kinda listing it off. It was A. It was B. He did C. he put D down. You see?

yes i C ha ha lame joke -_-

Any way this is still a work in progress obviously. I am trying to get this on paper (sort of) before I get distracted by other things. so the paragraph should be :

It was a nice morning. The air was crisp and clear. Songs of birds filled his ears. When he reached the bus stop, he sat his backpack down, and opened the granola bar. He took a bite of it. He pulled the ball out of his pocket and looked it over again. He had no idea what it was for, but it did look cool.

I still need more detail of his surroundings. Right now I am just writing the story and everything that is crucial to the story.

 

[Sydian]

Yeah. It needs a lot more detail. It's pretty bland right now. I mean...really bland. No offense, though. It needs more bust, to put it simple.

So, uh...Americans! Happy Fourth!

 

[Buoysel]

Yeah. It needs a lot more detail. It's pretty bland right now. I mean...really bland. No offense, though. It needs more bust, to put it simple.

So, uh...Americans! Happy Fourth!

Burst?

You didn't answer my question; Should I remove the sentence completely?

 

[Duncan McNeil]

No they have it. It must suck to watch us celebrate this day, considering what happened.

XD Oh yes, those British still hate us for what happened hundreds of years ago.

IMO, yeah that's more of just listing off what happened. Description, like fics, need to have a certain flow about them. Meaning that everything should read nicely together, making each sentence sound as if it's part of the overall fic, rather than just an individual sentence. It's tricky to get right, but essential to a great fic, fan fic or not.

And yes, yours certainly need more burst. *nods*

 

[Sydian]

You didn't answer my question; Should I remove the sentence completely?

Yes. Just take it out. It's kind of an awkward sentence.

And yes, yours certainly need more burst. *nods*

Guys, I said bust, not burst. :/

 

[icomeanon6]

Guys, I said bust, not burst. :/

I was going to make a crude pun with that sentence, but I thought better of it.

Well, happy 4th one and all (except you Brits, ha!) I recall that Hugh Laurie once said that the English consider the 4th to be "Mourn the Loss of the Colonies Day," Hugh Laurie is so amazing.

When it comes to reality in fanfics, such as attitude, are your characters ever too blunt with any other characters?

I'd say that for the most part my characters are pretty verbose and not-blunt. However, I think one of them did once say, "Don't play dumb, doc." I guess that's pretty blunt.

 

[Duncan McNeil]

Guys, I said bust, not burst. :/

I know. Because he obviously needs more burst in the fic? -_-

When it comes to reality in fanfics, such as attitude, are your characters ever too blunt with any other characters?

Of course. Characters should always be as realistic as possible, so being blunt goes with the program. Along with just about anything else normal people do. And more. XD

 

[Astinus]

You know, I stay up until nine in the morning answering the questions that no one ever asks, then after sleeping away two days, I find you people talking about b00bs. Or, for calculator geeks: 80085.

I shall now proceed to talk about the only things that are worth mentioning, since my hands are shaking.

Have you ever used/planned to use real life terms, such as "old school" words to help bring out a characters personality?
Not really. I'm so out-of-touch with the real world (except for Real World: Mission Hill <3) that I avoid real life terms. Not to mention that I'm of the belief that the Pokemon world is it's own separate world, so I avoid "real" references.

Have you ever used/planned to use real life names of friends or family for characters in your fic?
Yeah, I used the names of my old private school classmates in my fic. For my high school days, there is no way I'm having a "Adkfdgheiahfidfanna" in my fic.

When it comes to reality in fanfics, such as attitude, are your characters ever too blunt with any other characters?
My OT is actually far from blunt. In fact, that helps her character grow in my second novel where she's the main character, because she wants to be blunt with her partner, but she figures it would be best to earn his trust first.

And now, to banananate Lash for bring the Lounge back to on-topic. *gets out banana gun*

Can I?

I'm yours for the taking! ;D

Bay! Dude, don't call me dude, dude! Your fic title is like The Hound of the Baskervilles. XD; Man, it's been ages since I read that book.

As for kc's granola problem, just tell the character to shut up and eat. The character shut up and ate. XD *hugs the book quote is from before handing the main character his stolen pudding*

It was a nice morning. The air was crisp and clear. Songs of birds filled his ears. When he reached the bus stop, he sat his backpack down, and opened the granola bar. He took a bite of it. He pulled the ball out of his pocket and looked it over again. He had no idea what it was for, but it did look cool.

Let's see here. *pokes paragraph* The red thing's connected to my wrist watch! Uh-oh.

As he walked towards the bus stop, he listened to the songs of the birds as they flew through the crisp air. Once he reached the bus stop, he dropped his backpack to the ground. Taking a granola bar out of the bag, he ate it as he reached for the ball in his pocket. He had no idea what the thing was for, but it sure did look cool.

o_o Yeah. Best I could come up with.

...Wait. Am I forgetting someone? *leans against Silver's cage nibbling on some salad* Nope, can't think of a thing.

Burnt Flower, kc, and Duncan need to be added to the ship. I think I'll take over that because Silver appears to be locked up. :<

Oh! *hugs DP* Glad to see you're feeling better, matey. Arrrrr, y'all.

Forgot to mention everyone, I have a new OTP: Benjamin Franklin x Kool-Aid Man.

 

[Bay]

Bay! Dude, don't call me dude, dude! Your fic title is like The Hound of the Baskervilles. XD; Man, it's been ages since I read that book.

Haha, that's why I don't like the title in the first place. XD What's so weird, I actually read the play version in my middle school literature book. O.o

Also, oh yes, Burnt Flower, duncan, and kc should be added to the ship. (nods)

Oh, happy Fourth of July everyone! ^^

 

[Sydian]

You know, I stay up until nine in the morning answering the questions that no one ever asks, then after sleeping away two days, I find you people talking about b00bs. Or, for calculator geeks: 80085.

Hush about my obsession with calculator speak. :<

...Wait. Am I forgetting someone? *leans against Silver's cage nibbling on some salad* Nope, can't think of a thing

Mommy!! ;~;

Burnt Flower, kc, and Duncan need to be added to the ship. I think I'll take over that because Silver appears to be locked up. :<

Will add, despite being locked away.

Forgot to mention everyone, I have a new OTP: Benjamin Franklin x Kool-Aid Man.

That's hawt. Like, for serious.

 

[Astinus]

The "official" FanFiction Lounge Orgy post.

Kick arse. :D

Jaxxxy (three x') x Oni x Scythey or whatever his new name is x Asty x Phany x Thesis and his many blasphemic names x Alter ego x The stupid Gummy bear x this random silver person x Baybaybaybaybaybay x Turtleking x Lashy (ogod) x mewthree(random fandom!) x Saff x Sike x Jaxxy (owait, already said him xD) x bobandbill (mirror b!!) x DP479 x this luphinid person x DP-Chan x fanfiction x Guest x parody one-shot x John Paul x Andy x Angel x Grovyle (Griff) x Golden Riolu x ONIONS x Anon! x Burnt Flower x kc x Duncan x PeachyBoy x Royal Genesis's computer x An-chan x POB (It's pronounced the French way!) x txty x Shrike x Sentrets with flamethrowers x sentret x flamethrowers x ?

This will be updated whenever.

 

[Burnt Flower]

The "official" FanFiction Lounge Orgy post.

Kick arse. :D

Jaxxxy (three x') x Oni x Scythey x Asty x Phany x Thesis and his many blasphemic names x Alter ego x The stupid Gummy bear x this random silver person x Baybaybaybaybaybay x Turtleking x Lashy (ogod) x mewthree(random fandom!) x Saff x Sike x Jaxxy (owait, already said him xD) x bobandbill (mirror b!!) x DP479 x this luphinid person x DP-Chan x fanfiction x Guest x parody one-shot x John Paul x Andy x Angel x Grovyle (Griff) x Golden Riolu x ONIONS x Anon! x Burnt Flower x kc x Duncan

This will be updated whenever.

Yay, I've always wanted to be in an orgy! =D

...

*runs*

 

[Duncan McNeil]

Yay, I've always wanted to be in an orgy! =D

...

*runs*

Hey, no complaints out of me. Although I am last, that's probably a good thing, isn't it? Isn't it...?

...actually a little disappointing, really. =P

 

[BeachBoy]

The "official" FanFiction Lounge Orgy post.

Kick arse. :D

Jaxxxy (three x') x Oni x Scythey x Asty x Phany x Thesis and his many blasphemic names x Alter ego x The stupid Gummy bear x this random silver person x Baybaybaybaybaybay x Turtleking x Lashy (ogod) x mewthree(random fandom!) x Saff x Sike x Jaxxy (owait, already said him xD) x bobandbill (mirror b!!) x DP479 x this luphinid person x DP-Chan x fanfiction x Guest x parody one-shot x John Paul x Andy x Angel x Grovyle (Griff) x Golden Riolu x ONIONS x Anon! x Burnt Flower x kc x Duncan

This will be updated whenever.

I find it offensive I'm not in there just for the heck of it. D: Who cares, I don't post in fics, but I'm still worth the massive... Orgy. XDDD I'm like the friend that sneaks into the party, I'm with Jax. o/

Super late on this topic, but since I used to write fics with a lot of these, I'll give my opinion. ;D

Have you ever used/planned to use real life names of friends or family for characters in your fic?

All the time! Just receiving a comment such as, "Hey, is that me?!" brings a smile to my face. :) I also spam my online friends, seeing as I currently have more of those to work with. *shot* It's always heart warming to use my friends and that they get the privilege of being in it. \o\ And... well, sometimes I can't think up epic names for characters. XD;

Woohoo, starting to post more in this forum. :D

 

[Golden Riolu]

Well, happy 4th one and all (except you Brits, ha!)

Oh, America and the UK are now the only countries in the world? *Clears throat and points at a map, indicating the long-lost continent of Australia* We may not have 'United' in our country's name, but we're there. And we may have a different day to celebrate, but for some reason there are still people in my street who set off fireworks. In fact, they did it a few minutes ago. Although they're a day late.

When it comes to reality in fanfics, such as attitude, are your characters ever too blunt with any other characters?

Of course! I have one word for you. Rarutos. Cynical and Blunt are pretty much her middle names.

~Golden

 

[Grovyle42(Griff8416)]

When it comes to reality in fanfics, such as attitude, are your characters ever too blunt with any other characters?

Oh yeah. Jeff and Kevin are both pretty blunt.

 

[Buoysel]

The "official" FanFiction Lounge Orgy post.

Kick arse. :D

Jaxxxy (three x') x Oni x Scythey x Asty x Phany x Thesis and his many blasphemic names x Alter ego x The stupid Gummy bear x this random silver person x Baybaybaybaybaybay x Turtleking x Lashy (ogod) x mewthree(random fandom!) x Saff x Sike x Jaxxy (owait, already said him xD) x bobandbill (mirror b!!) x DP479 x this luphinid person x DP-Chan x fanfiction x Guest x parody one-shot x John Paul x Andy x Angel x Grovyle (Griff) x Golden Riolu x ONIONS x Anon! x Burnt Flower x kc x Duncan x PeachyBoy

This will be updated whenever.

I'm speechless, oh well. I guess I can only wait to see what happens while I'm out of town.