Long Distance Relationships

[El Héroe Oscuro]

So coming this September my girlfriend and I are going to attempt a long distance relationship, her going to college in North Carolina and myself stationed in Boston. However, neither of us have dealt or experienced a long distance relationship before so we're both - or at least I am at the very least - nervous and unsure of how things will workout. My question for people who have done it before (or if anyone just has any advice, feel free to chip in) how did you make it work? What things were good to do for the relationship and what things were bad that you tried to keep things stable? Any advice is much appreciated - I'm just nervous of the things to come.

 

[caller_100]

My advice would be to really talk about what efforts you'll both have to make before you leave for college. That way, you both know what to expect, and what you expect of each other. Long distance relationships are much more difficult than relationships with people who live nearby, but that doesn't make them impossible. It just means that it's more likely to work out if you realize going into it that it's going to be tough.

My ex and I were in a long-distance relationship for about a month before he broke it off because he couldn't handle the distance - it was too difficult for him. What I learned from that is that, especially with long-distance relationships, you BOTH have to be willing to make it work. I was putting in the effort and working for the relationship, he either couldn't or didn't want to put in the same amount of effort. So make sure you're both set to work really hard if you want to keep the relationship.

Also, take personality into account. I'm very organized and type A, so it wasn't too difficult for me. My ex, on the other hand, was super disorganized and forgetful, and we ended up having to schedule a rough time every day when we'd call each other, because otherwise he would get "busy" and just wouldn't call. So make sure you're aware of how your personalities work out when you're a long distance from people. Maybe if either of you have ever moved, consider what helped you to stay in touch with old friends?

Most of all, though, good luck! I really hope everything works out for the two of you.

 

[Soph3]

Hey! I hope my advice/tips will be of some help! :)

My boyfriend and I have been in a LDR for 6 years. He lives in Germany, I live in the UK. It's tough sometimes, but we know in the end, when we've finished our studies etc. and can finally be together, it will be worth every wait. :)

The key is trust - we completely trust each other. I guess that's the main thing, really! Absence seriously does make the heart grow fonder, as far as i'm concerned. You'll learn to appreciate the time where you're physically together even more. :)

Ways we keep our relationship going/exciting include sending little surprise parcels, silly text messages, e-mails...photos now and again. We Skype most nights, but not every evening. Sometimes it's nice to have a 10 minute chat, and sometimes our chats turn into 3 hour conversations! Another thing we do a LOT is we watch movies 'together'. We'll either stream/play the same film on DVD at the same time and Skype whilst doing so - laughing at the funny bits, cringing at the crappy bits etc. etc. Just like we're together, except without the physical contact. :) We also watch series' together, heh, it's pretty fun.

Make yourselves a little countdown until the next time you'll see each other, and plan fun things to do when you know you'll be together - so you have something to look forward to and really make the most of the time. :)

They can and do work, and I hope all goes well for you and your girlfriend! ^__^ Try not to be too nervous.

 

[Bellsprout]

Pretty much trust. If you don't have full trust in each other it leads to being insecure about the whole thing. You also both have to give the same amount of effort.

I feel like if you go into it being nervous you're already letting yourself become susceptible before it even begins. It sounds cold but the way I see it if it doesn't work out then it's probably not meant to be. I wish you the best though.

 

[El Héroe Oscuro]

I feel like if you go into it being nervous you're already letting yourself become susceptible before it even begins. It sounds cold but the way I see it if it doesn't work out then it's probably not meant to be. I wish you the best though.

No, that's not cold at all! It's just the truth is all. I've always had a bad rep of always turning to the worst and hypothesizing things that really I shouldn't be doing, so that's just something that I personally need to work on. Thanks for the heads up!

 

[Oryx]

The biggest issues I've had in the times I've been long distance have been communication and feeling like you're a part of each others' lives. I know personally my boyfriend and I have trouble with our tones when we're typing and this sparks fights (once we started to fight because we see the tone of :/ differently, haha). But when we speak in person we can tell the tone of the other person. Or over Skype, but obviously we can't be tied to our computers 24/7.

As far as feeling like a part of each other's lives, that one is much more subjective and difficult. A lot of the insecurities tend to come, at least for us it seems, from feeling like the other person is living a whole life without you in which you have no part. How we address this varies; a lot of times it just consists of being in contact a lot of the time, so we know what's happening, and I also try to make it a point to talk about how he'll fit into where I am right now and how I'm going to incorporate him as just a matter of course. I'm not sure if it helps because I don't ask or anything, but we haven't had many spats at all this summer it feels like so I guess we're starting to learn (:

 

[Klippy]

If you're used to spending a lot of time together, it will be tough as the separation will be new. Try to make visits as frequently as allowable and remind each other that it's worth it to have that person in your life. Communicate with them and remember that she (and you) both have your own lives and activities to do. If you're going to do something where you can't answer a text or call, don't be afraid to tell her. If one or either of you become upset over these things, it's a bad sign. Everyone needs their own lives and things they enjoy.

You'll have plenty of "alone" time, so that won't be an issue. Making time to Skype or call/text will be crucial though, as it will be your own way to continue developing the relationship. You'll probably feel closer to them the more you chat/text as you cannot develop any physical relationship any longer. So it will probably make you feel closer in some ways, but also more distant in others.

Being nervous isn't bad or a sign of failure. It's normal to be nervous as you value the person and the relationship and don't want it to fail. You'll be experiencing something entirely different to what you're used to. Things will not be the same after she moves and you will have to work 100x harder to maintain a relationship because it will take the extra effort and time. If she is worth it to you, then you should be fine. Just keep your own jealousy (in an ideal situation, very little), consideration, and effort in check and make sure that you are receiving the same level of effort, consideration, and jealousy back.

Don't waste your time on anyone that doesn't give you what you give them.

LDRs can work and do work. Depends on the people involved and if there is truly a desire to be with the person. I know plenty of people that make it work and it worked for me for a time.

 

[aurevesque]

My first relationship ended up to be an almost 2 year LDR.
We texted each other at least everyday. More importantly, we learned to live our lives outside of our relationship so that we had something to talk about everyday. It's hard to maintain open communication and interest when nothing has changed.

The pros to LDR's are that when they work, the trust between two people is amazing. The relationship is stronger and built to handle troubles easier. You get to know the person deeper. Minute things like phone calls and texts are so much more important. You learn how to prioritize your life and your relationship.

We already know the cons, so I won't discuss those.

 

[Pepperton]

Been there, and it's definitely not for the faint of heart. Takes some serious trust and commitment to be involved in a healthy long distance relationship, but with technology as it is today it can be done successfully. Back when I was still dating my ex from Oklahoma, we Skyped often if not daily, and stayed in contact basically at all times. Of course, neither of us had jobs or anything that kept us from availability, and it's a different story with you, but still maintain frequent contact through technological means and always be supportive of each other!!

 

[Nick]

Pretty much just communicate, and show each other you still want this relationship to work out by doing things for each other, like visiting (though you'll probably have to be the one to do that) as much as you can. Skype often so you can see each other's faces, call her every now and then just for a quick chat, tell her you love her because, and just make an effort to see her. Just texting is NOT good enough usually.

 

[Sniper]

Stay positive. You two will be both fine, just don't cut the communication between you two and that's it. Just trust each other. Like some people say "Distance doesn't matter as long as that person mean so much." You both should be absolutely perfect if you had this in mind.

 

[Sonata]

Don't always assume that she's sleeping with someone else when she hasn't replied for a couple of hours. Remember that she has a private life. Skype whenever you can. Plan out occasional visits. And send her things in the mail sometimes, something small and sweet. Doesn't have to be anything big just something to surprise her with every now and then. And also don't give her any reason to suspect you of being unfaithful, try to keep any arguments to a minimum. Don't be clingy, some clinginess is cute but it's really easy to overdo it.