Strict parenting on grown children

[Lusus]

I'm only 15 but my parents talk to me like i was a 11 year old F grader (which i am not). They shout, they forbid me from going outside, watching TV or being on a computer when i'm going to a computer high school. They are so annoying shouting and repeating the same obvious thing all the time..

 

[Bounsweet]

This topic has intrigued me so I've been following this thread after my original post and looking some stuff up on my own, and really early twenty-somethings living at home is actually really common.

This thread has sort of went from parents who enforce strict rules on their adult offpsring to what it means to "be an adult" and the cost of living. Disregarding the former because lol, the cost of living is probably the biggest outside factor in someone's choice, or lack of, when living with their parents. The mid-20s is actually the most average age people begin to establish their independence, which means no borrowing money from mommy/daddy or any relatives, and being 100% independent, disregarding bank loans. So, 18-23 year olds living at home is really not that much of a spectacle, considering that 51% of young adults in that age group are still living at home. The topic of the thread, however, is about strict rules and expectations when living with your parents.

That being said, I think that Livewire hit the nail on the head with most of this as far as the actual topic at hand about rules enforced by parents on their adult offspring. As with any situation where you share living space with someone, be it roommates or family, there are going to be some expectations, and it is all dependent on the individual situation. It's not uncommon for roommates to distribute chores among themselves, not unlike a parent asking you to clean your own dishes, vacuum/mop the house, etc., etc. I only mention roommates because they are incredibly common in young adults who have just moved out and are looking to ease the stress of financial responsibility.

OP also mentioned checking in with your parents. I don't even see this as a rule, unless they enforce it, so much as common courtesy. I would like for the people I'm living with to know if I'm going to go grocery shopping or if I have a doctor appointment. The same would apply to a spouse or significant other you were living with, I would imagine. I don't think it's strange in any situation to let people know if you're heading out somewhere or to let them know if you're going to be coming home late.

It's all a matter of background and how one was raised when it comes to this, because there is a very big range of opinions when it comes to these situations. Some people have different ideas of what is and is not strict, some people have different opinions on young adults living at home. It's all a very subjective matter based on individual experiences so it's not something you can really have a solid debate on. What may be strict parenting to you may not be strict to someone else. I think it's pretty universally agreed on that you should pay what you need to pay and clean up after yourself, and hopefully hold a mutual respect with any people you are living with, parents or not.

 

[Monophobia]

Ehh, I don't live under strict rules, and I'm a pretty good kid. Straight A's have become commonplace and expected of me since I entered high school, but I still do all of the stupid teenager stuff like everyone else (even if I do talk as if I don't).

I think if a parent is being too strict, it provokes rebellion. My best friend's parents forbid her from leaving the house at all unless accompanied by them, and we've both shared stories about the interesting reasons we've been punished (one time, there was a pillow on the ground in our living room, and I was grounded by my mother for a week). I tell her to just leave, regardless of what they say. I mean, a parent of a sixteen-year-old girl can't expect them to never leave the house! It's ridiculous.

As for living at home when you're no longer a minor, I think that you shouldn't be treated as if you weren't adult, but you should definitely adhere to your parent's rules about alcohol, friends being over, etc. Especially if you're not pitching in.

 

[curiousnathan]

If you're living with your parents then there should definitely be a strong respect between you two for starters. Both in regards to the fact that you're living under their roof, but also to the fact that you're 18 now and they need to ease off a bit.

I can't wait until I turn 18 and get independence. I have independence now, but my parents can't nag me or tell me what to do as much haha. I think it's quite damaging if they cling on too much and for too long as well.

 

[Rogue planet]

Who is paying the rent/mortage/bills? It's their house, then it's their rules... as long as it's not getting to the levels of abuse, you don't have room to complain regardless of how unfair the rules might be. It would be very weird if you have to report in home and ask to go out at that age tbh, but come on, that's a really minor complaint to have.

If things are too bad then move out. I know many 16-20 year olds that live away from home because it's too bad to stay there. Weigh up the situation, is it really so awful? Have you ever lived alone? When you do, you come to appreciate living at home a bit more I think.

 

[Entermaid]

As a young adult who lived with his parents for about 2 years after turning 18, I would say that whatever expectations the parent has goes...so long as the they are legal.

If you don't respect the guidelines of the house, then you should live elsewhere and pay rent/utilities/food. Sometimes parents can be unfair with their guidelines, meaning, not having the best interest of the family or yourself at heart, in which case maybe you are better off moving out.

I think one day when I am a parent I will expect my kids to be moved out after high school. Though, ideally I would want to live within a certain proximity to them. If they did live with me, let's say to go to college, I would allow them leniency so long as they completed each semester with good marks. However, if they are slacking and not balancing fun with school, I would either ask them to leave or lay down strict rules like not drinking or being out late.

Though at that point, intervention might be more of an after thought. Parents cannot control for everything, and often mistakenly do what is not in their children's best interests. Being responsible and present without being too overbearing throughout childhood is probably best. For example, reward, don't spoil kids...I was always spoiled, and sometimes I find that I lack discipline, and ultimately regret that, despite proximate joy it brought me when I was younger.

 

[Lotus the Cat]

I think it's a little unfair that there is an attack on people that DO want to live in particular places. What if all of your family and friends live in and around a city? It's not that simple to just pick up and move across the country to work. What if you're dating someone and they don't want to move with you?

I currently live and work in the city I grew up in and heaven forbid if you try to take me from it. I love my city. I have lived in multiple different suburbs of my city and I'm fine with that, but I would not move to another city altogether unless I had absolutely no other option.

I moved out of home when I was 18 to live in a share house closer to my university (the 4 hour a day commute was killing me), so I can't relate first hand to parents being strict when adults, etc. However, I do feel that there needs to be give and take on both sides. As mentioned by others, if you're an adult and live at home you should not expect to keep living with the responsibilities of a child but the freedom of an adult. If you want the freedom you should be willing to take some responsibility. At the very least, some financial contribution and chores around the house would be expected. Apart from that I don't think parents have the right to expect to know where you are or restrict your movements. For example, coming home drunk at 4 am shouldn't be a problem unless you wake everyone else up. If my landlord when renting, or a roommate wanted to know where I was at all times, that would be strange. If you've made an agreement for fair contribution and you stick to it, then the parents must relinquish some control.

If, on the other hand, you live at home and make no contribution I believe the parents have the right to treat you like a child as you are still their dependent.

 

[Oryx]

I think it's a little unfair that there is an attack on people that DO want to live in particular places. What if all of your family and friends live in and around a city? It's not that simple to just pick up and move across the country to work. What if you're dating someone and they don't want to move with you?

I currently live and work in the city I grew up in and heaven forbid if you try to take me from it. I love my city. I have lived in multiple different suburbs of my city and I'm fine with that, but I would not move to another city altogether unless I had absolutely no other option.

Well, sometimes if you really, really want something in particular you might have to give things up to achieve what you want. It might be some freedom because you live with your parents, it might be your free time if you can swing another job, or it might be the standard of living you're used to. Loving a city and wanting to be there is fine; what's not fine is saying basically "if I can't afford to live in the city I want to, my parents should be obligated to allow me to live in their house under the terms I want." When you rent a room in someone's home, you adhere to their rules. This is common in college towns, not between parents and kids but between strangers; often people rent out their extra rooms in the houses they own to college students. The students have to adhere to different rules than they would otherwise, often very strict, because of their living situation. Generally they don't have people over, they're expected to keep the place way cleaner than if it was a roommate situation, etc. That's what happens when someone owns a home and you live in it; you obey their rules.

This is what I kept reiterating. You can want things, sure. But just because you want a list of things doesn't mean that you have a right to demand someone else cater to your wants. There's nothing that makes your want to live in your parent's house so you can afford to live in the city you want to live in override the parent's want to have their house a certain way. Why is your want more important when it's their property you're borrowing?

 

[Koiko]

My sis lives with my parents and she's in college

 

[Lotus the Cat]

...what's not fine is saying basically "if I can't afford to live in the city I want to, my parents should be obligated to allow me to live in their house under the terms I want."

I agree with you on that. However, posing the option of moving to a completely different city as though it's the simplest thing ever is a bit unfair. That's all I was disagreeing with in this thread. :)

 

[Oryx]

I agree with you on that. However, posing the option of moving to a completely different city as though it's the simplest thing ever is a bit unfair. That's all I was disagreeing with in this thread. :)

Honestly, I meant to edit this in to an older post but it came to me so much later that I just left it - I mentioned in my first post on the subject of moving that I'm judgey when it comes to being born, growing up, living, and dying in the same town. Posts like this and the "people can't move it's too scary" are one of the reasons why. When your entire life becomes one city, the idea of moving to another city is devastating. It's really not so devastating if you've moved out of your city and had to try something new a few times. It's kind of like refusing to learn to drive. Yes, you can get by, depending on where you are with varying levels of difficulty. But if circumstances slightly change in your life and you never learned to drive, you might be making your life really, really difficult. Just like if you never learn how to start over without becoming a shell of yourself because your entire being is tied up in your hometown. Sure, chances are you might have to give a lot up if you're dedicated to that town but you can make it work - but what if you date an abusive SO who lives in the same town and you have to move away from them? What if your family isn't as dedicated to the town as you are and moves away (since we're talking about living with parents)? What if your job is eliminated from your place of work and you can't find anything else in that town?

Life is so much harder and less rich when you limit your entire life (minus a few months of vacation) to a 50-mile radius. There's no reason to be so intimidated by the idea of living a city you didn't grow up in.

edit: You could easily argue that my life is made less rich by not being particularly connected to any one location and that I'm cynical though. :) I'm very much influenced by how many different people I've met from moving while watching a lot of people I knew from high school spend every day with the same people over and over and over without a single new face, obliterating any new perspectives they might get from a change of location or friend group.

 

[Lotus the Cat]

Honestly, I meant to edit this in to an older post but it came to me so much later that I just left it - I mentioned in my first post on the subject of moving that I'm judgey when it comes to being born, growing up, living, and dying in the same town. Posts like this and the "people can't move it's too scary" are one of the reasons why. When your entire life becomes one city, the idea of moving to another city is devastating. It's really not so devastating if you've moved out of your city and had to try something new a few times. It's kind of like refusing to learn to drive. Yes, you can get by, depending on where you are with varying levels of difficulty. But if circumstances slightly change in your life and you never learned to drive, you might be making your life really, really difficult. Just like if you never learn how to start over without becoming a shell of yourself because your entire being is tied up in your hometown. Sure, chances are you might have to give a lot up if you're dedicated to that town but you can make it work - but what if you date an abusive SO who lives in the same town and you have to move away from them? What if your family isn't as dedicated to the town as you are and moves away (since we're talking about living with parents)? What if your job is eliminated from your place of work and you can't find anything else in that town?

Life is so much harder and less rich when you limit your entire life (minus a few months of vacation) to a 50-mile radius. There's no reason to be so intimidated by the idea of living a city you didn't grow up in.

edit: You could easily argue that my life is made less rich by not being particularly connected to any one location and that I'm cynical though. :) I'm very much influenced by how many different people I've met from moving while watching a lot of people I knew from high school spend every day with the same people over and over and over without a single new face, obliterating any new perspectives they might get from a change of location or friend group.

You can live in the same city but still move away from your "hometown". For example, I live about 67 kms from where my parents live and where I lived from age 7-18 but I'm still technically in the same city, just on the other side. I can understand your point if you never leave a small area but when dealing with larger cities (mine is 4 million population, which while not huge is larger than many cities), you can easily move to other areas, meet new people and still be able to visit family and old friends.

How easy someone might find it to move probably also depends on what the city has to offer as well. Maybe it has really nice parks. Good transportation networks. Good entertainment events. More job opportunities. Is safer, etc. For example, I'm not sure too many people in the USA would be excited about the prospect of moving to Detroit (apologies to anyone who lives there).

Also, if you happen to live in the worlds most livable city, anywhere else (except for city #2 and #3) are going to be major step downs. ;)

 

[Torchick08]

i am 21 and just moved out of my parents house this month.

while living with them i always had to abide by their rules which was mainly be home at a certain time such as 12am. or no drugs or drinking in the house. they disapproved alot of my friends which is understandable cause they were the bad crowd so i was never allowed to go out and such. which i honestly did not mind at all. as a teenager i was pretty hard core into drugs and drinking so my parents being strict on me was a blessing lol but there were times when it was over kill such as if i wanted to go out with friends to a bar or such(after i was over 18) then i wasnt allowed or my dad would freak out and go on this rant of life... since moving out i actually just got to go out and not have to check in with my parents.. my mom would always text me saying to come home cause my dad was getting mad and it would be like 9pm.... now i have my own place i dont allow smoking inside. no drugs are allowed at my place and no parties. my friends respect my desire to not have bunch of random people at my place. but to come over have some drinks and play some game thats totally perfect to me. my parents dont control me and dont try to micromanage my life now that i moved out. they are supportive of my decision and know i will continue to be the responsible adult they raised me to be.

honestly communication is key to any relationship in life. me and my dad would go days without talking sometimes. so now i go over everyday for lunch with him cause thats the only time we both get time off from work and just chat about life our relationship has gotten way better this past year just by us having lunch talks. i talk to my mom everyday just cause well thats how it always been lol.

 

[Phantom1]

When I turned 18, even though I was in high school still, I had to pay rent. It was two hundred dollars a month. At the time I had two jobs before they even started charging me, so it was not much of an issue.

Thing is, even though they are family and you should expect some things from them that you wouldn't ask of others, they still deserve respect. It is their home and you are living in it. Therefore you should respect their rules. if they are too strict for you, well then maybe you should find your own place then and make your own rules.

Honestly, people are freaking spoiled these days. Living with their parents well into their twenties, hell I knew someone who was in their mid-thirties and living with their parents. Never even moved out. Making no effort to change their lives. It's sad. I'm happy my parents made me pay rent while I was still in school. I'm happy I worked my way through high school and got a good work ethic. I knew how to work for what I wanted and how to maintain what I had. A lot of people seemed to have lost that ability nowadays.

 

[voltianqueen]

I'm 20 and living with my parents. I don't think people should live with their parents and just expect to do whatever the heck they want there, as it is their parents' house, after all. The rules set out for me are basically the same as when I was under 18, but they were never strict to begin with, just protective. I still ask permission to go out or to have friends at the house, although I'm not actually sure if that's required since my dad laughed once because of it, but I ask in case my parents have plans that day that I need to be home for or anything like that. They just ask that they know where and with who I will be and what time I'll be home. I don't think I have to text them, but sometimes I do anyway. I don't find this to be strict or overbearing or anything. In my case, it's so they don't get worried, and if I don't show up after a certain amount of time to do something about it.

Anyway, I don't think adult children living at home should be treated like little kids. The parents' rules should be within reason, nothing too arbitrary. But I also think the kids living at home need to be respectful and not walk all over their parents' house rules just because they're over 18. I'm living the good life here. Household chores and telling my parents where I'm going are a very small price to pay!

 

[Nah]

I think one way to look at it is to compare your parent's household to a nation. A country's government allows you to live within its borders and provide certain necessary services to you, but in return, you have to follow the laws of the land or face prison time/deportation. But that doesn't mean that the government is always right or can do whatever it feels like to you.

Same thing with living in your parent's house. Your parents allow you to live inside it and provide for you in certain ways (food, water, they generally pay the bills, etc), but if you're 18+ and you don't follow their rules they can kick you out. But your parents are human too, so that means they aren't perfect or are allowed to be abusive.

Btw, I'm 22 and live with parents. I'd love to move out ASAP, but moving ain't cheap, so I need to get a full-time job first which I am working on so don't nag me about it