Dealing with toxic people

[Her]

One's definition of toxic will differ with each person, but you should have a general idea of what a 'toxic person' means to you. Usually I see it as those who are manipulative, emotionally abusive/emotional leeches, etc. People whose influence causes consistent psychological harm, basically. Sometimes they're not even aware of it - either through denial or genuine obliviousness to the extent of their actions. Nonetheless, that doesn't mean they're excused from their actions.

When you have interacted with toxic people, how did you deal with it? Did you come out stronger for it? Do you think they learned from their experiences?

 

[The Gunney]

One's definition of toxic will differ with each person, but you should have a general idea of what a 'toxic person' means to you. Usually I see it as those who are manipulative, emotionally abusive/emotional leeches, etc. People whose influence causes consistent psychological harm, basically. Sometimes they're not even aware of it - either through denial or genuine obliviousness to the extent of their actions. Nonetheless, that doesn't mean they're excused from their actions.

When you have interacted with toxic people, how did you deal with it? Did you come out stronger for it? Do you think they learned from their experiences?

I found the best results were to simply ignore them if it's just words. If libel is spread facts should prove an easy defense. If physical abuse follows then you have to deal with the threat head on, apply just enough force to stop the threat and get away.

I had to deal with all of these situations presented above. All worked against individuals and small groups (3 to 5 persons) Hell I had a group of people bully me for no reason other then my homeroom was the BD room and I was Autistic (Autism was a rare diagnosis in the late 90's) and the ring leader was a school administrators kid! I got the blame for any fights I was in due to me being Autistic. If that wasn't bad enough I went after that ordeal to a school that they sent kids that were too violent or troublesome for other schools.

 

[Sun]

I simply ignore these kind of people. Thankfully, most of them are 'generous' enough to not bother me anymore.

It's all about the quality not the quantity; one great friend is a lot better than a hundred of negative people.

 

[AleXShi1]

So i knew this toxic guy 2 years ago who basically seemed to like to destroy every conversation my group was having and was a dick to everyone, kept making annoying noises, taking people's hats for example and doing like 8 year old kid kind of jokes to get attencion.
I warned him and probably some other friends of mine warned him too, after like 3 more times of trying to stop my group from having a normal discussion i just told him to come with me for a second and said the following:

"Yo man its not the first time you do that s*it (idk if i can swear here) of stoppin us from havin a normal conversation, we are trying to have a discussion and share ideas and you are in the way so you just gonna say sorry to everyone and never do that again"

He stopped and never have I seen him again next to my group, there is no need to go for violence, violence is for people who cant have a solid argument and should only be used if the person is not even listening to what you are saying, but it depends on the situation, if its a school or something like that reporting the person after you talked to him is the right thing to do.

Even if you are sort of afraid of him just talk to other people and ask them to help you with that, not by beating him up ofc, by talking like every human should do.

 

[Somewhere_]

I ignore them and limit any interaction. They aren't worth my time. Socially ostracize people like that.

 

[Shamol]

Most of the answers here have the theme of "ignoring" or "telling them off". This really isn't feasible when the toxic person is your colleague or coworker, much less boss or supervisor. Then it just becomes a nightmare. You can't just ignore them and move on with life. You have to hone your patience and learn to walk the line between being servile and aggressive. Most of the time it doesn't work and no matter how much you love your job it becomes very stressful.

I spent the last three months working with two incredibly difficult people in my lab. Worst of all, they were a couple, so their dual dynamic made it even more unbearable. This basically made me realize- learning to deal with particularly toxic people is a life skill, just like driving or cooking.

 

[gimmepie]

The best way to deal with toxic people is generally to just remove them from your life. If you have control over them being where they are, get rid of them. If you don't you leave. Poison can't kill you unless you interact with it.

Of course what actually happens tends to be I tear toxic people a new asshole first before resorting to my vastly more mature suggestion above.

 

[Lucid]

I don't think I'd see a coworker/bully/acquaintance as toxic. I guess they could be, but I consider toxic a label for friends/partners/family members. People you'd actually want a relationship with but maintaining one is just unhealthy. That person might not even be intentionally malicious, they're just bad for you whether they're abusive, a bad innfluence or just willing to throw you under the bus for their own gain. I think family members can be the hardest to deal with in this sense, because some people think of family as some all mighty tie that can't be broken. I absolutely don't think that just because you share a blood relation with someone, they're entitled to be a part of your life despite being no good for you. That's total crap

But yeah, imo the only way to deal with them is to cut them out of your life completely, no matter how hard it usually is at first it gets easier and better as time goes by

 

[EthanoicAcid]

If someone is toxic, it's necessary to cut them off. But what do you do if you can't cut them off?
Example: I knew this girl a while back. We were good friends. After a couple years, she realized she had romantic feelings for me. I politely told her I wasn't interested and wanted to remain friends. Fast forward to about half a year later because this is a much longer story than anyone would care to read. She starts acting weird, like the "in need of help" kind of weird. Long story short, she became really toxic (emotionally abusive is also a fitting term), and guilted me into staying by her side.
"But Ethan," you ask, "If she was like that, why didn't you just sever the relationship and move on with your life?"
Eventually, when she started to feel like guilting me alone wouldn't make me stay anymore, she started threatening me. She threatened to hurt herself or me if I tried to leave or told anyone what was happening, so I ended up staying.
I never went into a relationship with her, thank god, but the person with whom I really was in a relationship at the time was not happy and not exactly understanding of the situation.
I would've left ASAP if I had known how bad things were going to get, but eventually it got so bad that I couldn't leave.
Basically what I'm saying is, the main solution is to cut off the person, but what if you can't do that? What if the toxic person is so abusive that they threaten the victim with things like harm (to either themself or the victim)?
I'm not challenging anyone here. Ignoring them and cutting them off are good things to do, but sometimes they just aren't possible. I want to know what others would suggest for a situation like this, because I obviously had trouble handling it when it actually happened.
That's just my two cents.

 

[Lucid]

If someone is toxic, it's necessary to cut them off. But what do you do if you can't cut them off?
Example: I knew this girl a while back. We were good friends. After a couple years, she realized she had romantic feelings for me. I politely told her I wasn't interested and wanted to remain friends. Fast forward to about half a year later because this is a much longer story than anyone would care to read. She starts acting weird, like the "in need of help" kind of weird. Long story short, she became really toxic (emotionally abusive is also a fitting term), and guilted me into staying by her side.
"But Ethan," you ask, "If she was like that, why didn't you just sever the relationship and move on with your life?"
Eventually, when she started to feel like guilting me alone wouldn't make me stay anymore, she started threatening me. She threatened to hurt herself or me if I tried to leave or told anyone what was happening, so I ended up staying.
I never went into a relationship with her, thank god, but the person with whom I really was in a relationship at the time was not happy and not exactly understanding of the situation.
I would've left ASAP if I had known how bad things were going to get, but eventually it got so bad that I couldn't leave.
Basically what I'm saying is, the main solution is to cut off the person, but what if you can't do that? What if the toxic person is so abusive that they threaten the victim with things like harm (to either themself or the victim)?
I'm not challenging anyone here. Ignoring them and cutting them off are good things to do, but sometimes they just aren't possible. I want to know what others would suggest for a situation like this, because I obviously had trouble handling it when it actually happened.
That's just my two cents.

I won't go into a whole lot of detail about my particular situation because I don't feel like it, but I got out of my abusive relationship my ex I had to get a restraining order, I'm from the US, and while things vary a bit state to state, it's very easy to get what's called a temporary restraining order. You can call your local court house and they'll instruct you on how to go about getting one, but you'll pretty much just have to go present your case. It lasts 10 days and you can decide whether or not you need to pursue the next steps. In my case, my ex was stalking me online, coming to my house, leaving me a ton of messages and threatening me, and it was enough to get him to back off. During this time, I started staying with other family, changed my number, deleted my social media, cutting ties with mutual friends, it was hard but I don't regret doing it for a second.

If someone is threatening to hurt themselves if you leave them, contact the police. Get with the cops that are sent out and speak with them first. Explain what's going on, have any other friends who've heard them threaten suicide with you to back you up, have any text or messages backing up your claim ready to show them. If they believe you, they'll go and collect the person and take them to an ER, they'll be evaluated by a doctor there who will more then likely commit them to a temporary facility to be further evaluated for 24 or 48 hours, or longer if they act up.

Again, I'm from the US and I know things vary state to state, but the best advice I can give anyone who is genuinely afraid is to educate yourself on how to use the law to protect yourself. Don't think that you "just can't get away from a person", even if you have to uproot your life for a while, it's better in the long run then subjecting yourself to abuse and harassment.

 

[Caaethil]

Destroy them with words.

Or if they're a little more ignorant and stubborn, cut them out of your life. Ignore them. Whatever it takes. Caaethil does not endorse murder.

 

[Altaria]

I have unfortunately had to deal with toxic people who, at the time, controlled big parts of my life. Don't really feel like going into too much detail, but my young teenage years were nothing but misery due to one select human who I can truly say I hated. I wish they didn't affect me as much as they did, but they did. I'm trying to let go, and even though it was over 6 years ago, I still have trouble with the memories sometimes. It was a very painful time. I wish I had been old enough to know how to not let it bother me but I'm also proud of how I overcame all the baggage that I had back then because of this person.

I feel like it made me more insecure, which is something I still struggle with to this day. I also have tremendous amounts of difficulty trusting people. I mean, big time.

 

[Imafroggy]

I have people at my job that are very nosy and make comments about a lot of things. For example, I went to parties over the summer and some stuff was captured on snap chat. When I went back to work a couple days later people would make remarks or ask stupid questions.
1. I don't make it a big deal
2. I say "oh you noticed? I didn't know it was such a huge thing"
3. Don't be a little b**** in the workplace and stand up for yourself. Whenever someone would say something rude I'd say something back. Don't let them think they're better than you, they're not.
4. Don't let it get to you
You're more important to the "toxic" people than you think you know. You might feel bad at first, you might wanna cry, you might even cry but as long as you push forward in whatever situation, then you win. Confidence goes a long way and I truly believe that because I'm confident, they hate it and wanna see if they can try to push some buttons. Newsflash: I don't care and won't care.

 

[Esper]

Some of my family can be toxic and although I've tried to cut them out completely I've sort of inherited some of their traits. I've got toxic elements in me, but it wasn't really until I realized that, when some people confronted me and pointed out similarities that I really figured out that I've got to be a better person about this sort of thing. It's all fine to say that other people are toxic and you shouldn't associate with them, but, for me anyway, I had to admit that I wasn't uncontaminated and had to watch my own behaviors and not have a holier-than-thou attitude.

I'm not trying to say that anyone dealing with toxic people is partially responsible for their situation, just that I have been and it took some self reflection and the input of other people who were willing to be fairly brutally honest with me to get me to a better place. Not a perfect place, but a better one. I think it helps me to avoid the wrong kind of people better now.

 

[Megan]

Ignorance is an interesting trait. At one side we have people who might be toxic due to being ignorant to their own toxicity. On the other side we have self-proclaimed non-toxic people who use ignorance as a means to get rid of toxic people. However, does the practice of actively ignoring someone to get rid of them not add a little bit of toxicity to yourself?

Human society is build on top of the ability to communicate with each other. In order to develop as a species, communication is a crucial part, as it yields a way to share information, which in return might turn out vital for survival. The practice of ignorance and therefore actively non-communicating somewhat goes against that principle, does it not? Withholding information could also be interpreted as an attempt to get rid of people in a sense of letting them get killed, making you a murderer in a figurative sense.

Anyway, rambling aside: I usually don't need to deal with toxic people, because I'm a shadow among humans who mostly goes undetected and in most other cases, other people have to deal with me and not the other way around :P

 

[User19sq]

I've dealt with toxicity, both directly and indirectly.

I've been in a toxic relationship with someone I thought I knew after so many years of being friends. Even aware of the harm, I stayed with her because I was desperate for human companionship of any kind... Or maybe I was desperate to keep her because I was still working off the trauma from the relationship before. Either way, it was an ugly sight to the very end.

Indirectly, a friend of mine, both here and off of here (she knows who she is) kept flinging herself into toxic relationships in succession. I actually thought about cutting ties with her because of that. Thankfully, time passed on and she wised the fuck up.

I honestly feel I'm stronger as a result of it all; if not, I'm just a snarky jackass towards these notions, and have much stricter standards of who I'll hook up with next (if at all), and who I let close to me. I can talk about all of these events so blatantly, which I feel is a sign of strength, and the contrary shows eyes that won't open to the truth... but that's just me.

 

[Caite-chan]

I sadly have to deal with this at work and with a certain person who feels like they can say anything they want and get away with it. And I trying to be the better person do my best not to turn around and tell her to Go Eff Herself which if anyone knows me is REALLY hard to do. I had told my Supervisor what was going on and he looked at me and basically gave me permission to tell her off if I needed too. LOL.

 

[pastelspectre]

When you have interacted with toxic people, how did you deal with it? Did you come out stronger for it? Do you think they learned from their experiences?
-I dealt with it usually in the beginning by lessening my contact with them. If they didn't get better then I usually stopped talking to them all together. I do think I came out stronger for it because I knew the warning signs and whatnot for toxic people. I unfortunately do not think most of them learned from their experiences.

 

[curiousnathan]

My definition of a toxic person is someone who intentionally attempts to inflict psychological or social harm on others, whether it be on a single or a group scale, i.e. creating drama between people, breaking relationships, manipulating others etc. I tend to try and distance myself from those people. If I absolutely have to make contact with them, then I will always be courteous and respectful; pretty much give them nothing to use against me or nitpick. It's about rising above them, being the mature person. The truth comes out eventually (in most cases), you just have to slog it out. One day they will make a mistake and expose themselves for who they truly are.

 

[Melody]

Generally I try to work things out. I try to recognize the human in anyone and I try working at that first. Sometimes in cases where someone is innocently being toxic; they can be dealt with. You do have to roll your sleeves up and wade into the fray at times but if you can help them out; they will be grateful and can become a much greater person.

However more often than not, you find yourself dealing with that toxicity and you have to remove yourself from it. There's no wrong in shutting down their toxic influences if at all possible, and one should do so if they can. If you can't shut it off completely, minimizing your exposure to it is also useful.

Accidentally toxic people are often the easiest to avoid; as usually you can just disengage from them and move on. Maybe they'll learn from that and be less toxic later and you will pick up where you left off.

For those that are unaware, they don't usually have malice. But they may be extremely blind to something. It can be an extreme "What the Fuck" moment for them if you suddenly cut them off. Sometimes you have to carefully stage a long and drawn out exit plan that allows them to move on in a way that is of their own volition. This is sometimes painful but necessary.

For the few that are malicious; slamming the door shut can work wonders if you can do that. Otherwise just learning to grin and bear it is not only necessary but will strengthen you as a person eventually.

As others have said; perhaps it's just a matter of waiting for that person to make a mistake bad enough to allow you the agency needed to remove them. Perhaps it's a matter of enduring their insufferable behavior while they learn not to be so insufferable. Sometimes people do come around eventually to your way of thinking given time and space. It just depends on the person.