I managed to face a serious problem with myself mentally and come to terms with it. It took me 3 days to do it, but I have a better grasp of who I am, and what this problem entails. I think this marks a pivotal part in a development with a problem that has emerged 13 years ago and has continually taken over my life since then. I have managed to shed a lot of the shame affiliated with the problem, and realized that maybe, even though others may view me as beyond help because I have this persistent problem, that only I can determine what I do with my life, and how I feel about it. I can prepare myself. I can build myself. I can ensure everything is ready when those things come.
And even though I may not be able to stop that problem when it comes, I can at least prepare myself for the inevitable.
Inspirational music from SSB4 helped though lol.
It was inspiring to know that despite my problem, that my friends were there by my side. None of them judged it, even though it was a very worrisome problem. They may not understand it personally, and even though this problem is quite uncommon... they supported me to come with terms with those demons.
Many tears were shed, I needed to calm myself down repeatedly, but in the end I faced the truth. And I've grown as a person for it. I know it's not the end of this problem and it will follow me until eventually I succumb to it, but now I am able to reconcile who I am. If there's anything to take from this, I would say don't be afraid of who you are. Sometimes your inner demons are scary, but they are a part of you, and sometimes embracing that side of you is the first step towards taming them, even if eventually you realize that they know what's best for you, mentally, with your identity.
Hopefully I can finally get some sleep now.
no it wasn't a gender identity thing but i'd rather not talk about it publicly yet
