Coming Out

[Dakotah]

Coming out is probably the single most courageous thing an LGBT person can do. No doubt. My own coming out while relatively easy (in that my family accepted me for who I was unreservedly) nevertheless was very emotional. There is a very real fear of rejection that is even more profound than the rejection one might experience from a potential partner, because this is family. To be rejected by one's own family can be, and often is, very traumatic.

A previous poster indicated that it is the problem of the parents if they cannot accept their child's sexual orientation. But this is simply not true. Because we as a society have deemed family to be the single most important thing that strengthens society, being rejected by one's own family does indeed become the child's problem, not just the parents, who obviously can barely be called parents if their love for their children is conditional for any reason. Rejection by one's own family can lead to severe depression and in extreme cases suicidal thoughts.

Our sexual orientation, as some have said, really shouldn't be an issue at all, and it shouldn't be required that any of us should have to come out. We should be able to live our lives as who we are right from day one and be accepted by everyone close to us. Because we live in a largely prejudicial world, where even the slightest differences in people cause friction, sadly coming out is very much a big deal.

Until we can accept all people for who they are regardless if they are black or brown, or purple with pink polka dots, Christian or Muslim, male or female, gay or straight or bisexual or transgendered, or any other trait that marks us as different from others there will always be a need to seek support from other by announcing who we are.

 

[Raine]

I'm honestly starting to wonder if people are reading my posts. Visibility is a powerful tool against homophobia.

Um whether parents support their children actually has a huge impact on them and I think it's close-minded not to say that? If kids are going to be kicked out of their house/forced to be felt like they're completely different/said they're "not normal" by their parents then it in turns becomes their problem. It's a personal decision and I don't think anybody (gay or straight) really has any right to tell who they should come out to or not.

Actually I did see your post, loud and clear. In regards to that, yes, I'm straight, but I don't have any problem with people announcing to the world that they've come out. Also, I know that parents have a significant impact on their children regarding anything, not just their sexuality and therefore, that's why I acknowledged that letting their parents know is important. Reiterating Shining Raichu's point, I also believe it's entirely up to the individual whether or not they want to come out. They shouldn't feel forced by people, or society, to either stay closeted or come out.

A previous poster indicated that it is the problem of the parents if they cannot accept their child's sexual orientation. But this is simply not true. Because we as a society have deemed family to be the single most important thing that strengthens society, being rejected by one's own family does indeed become the child's problem, not just the parents, who obviously can barely be called parents if their love for their children is conditional for any reason. Rejection by one's own family can lead to severe depression and in extreme cases suicidal thoughts.

I believe that was me, unless someone else mentioned it as well. What I initially was trying to state regarding parents' in this sort of situation is that for those who believe their child turned out the way they did is because they have a choice, they honestly shouldn't be blaming them. People do not have a choice in who they are attracted to, and we should accept them for who they are, not focusing on what they are not.

 

[gimmepie]

Pretty much as far as coming out goes - just in case my writing before wasn't very clear -
the way it should be is that you don't feel you have to come out, that it doesn't matter whom you love that you can one day just say "hey I'm dating this person and they have the same kind of genitals as me".

Sexuality should be a non-issue and I feel that by continuing to make a big deal of it in the media, such as when celebrities "come out" we are more contributing to the problem than aiding in fixing it because we are adding to the stigma that being gay is a big deal. I'm not saying public figures should not be openly gay, I'm just saying rather than making a big song and dance over it they should announce it via openly dating a person of the same gender. That way they are still using visibility as a tool against homophobia as Moogles has constantly promoted but they are doing a lot more good by also demonstrating that homosexuality is also not a big deal, it's news no different to them dating a male celebrity (which also shouldn't be worth making the news, just saying).

I realise that this is not the world we live in today, but if more people acted this way then we be much closer to living in the world of sexual equality that we're working towards.

I'm sorry if anyone finds this view to be offensive or insensitive but quite frankly I have several gay friends, I have several gay friends who share this same view as me and I have had a grand total of seven people "come out" to me as gay or bi before they have ven told their family. My reaction to them being gay/bi is pretty much "supportive indifference" and that has usually been met with far better results than those who have made it a big deal. One of the happiest moments in one friends life (supposedly) was her coming out to me and me responding with a brief hug and "nobody cares". I realise that this won't be the same for everyone, after all we're all people with different beliefs and personalities but I think 7/7 happy is a pretty decent indicator that I'm doing something right.

Sexuality may not be a non-issue today but if more of us stopped acting like it was something major than maybe we'd be one step closer to this actually being the case.

 

[Sopheria]

Pretty much as far as coming out goes - just in case my writing before wasn't very clear -
the way it should be is that you don't feel you have to come out, that it doesn't matter whom you love that you can one day just say "hey I'm dating this person and they have the same kind of genitals as me".

Sexuality should be a non-issue and I feel that by continuing to make a big deal of it in the media, such as when celebrities "come out" we are more contributing to the problem than aiding in fixing it because we are adding to the stigma that being gay is a big deal. I'm not saying public figures should not be openly gay, I'm just saying rather than making a big song and dance over it they should announce it via openly dating a person of the same gender. That way they are still using visibility as a tool against homophobia as Moogles has constantly promoted but they are doing a lot more good by also demonstrating that homosexuality is also not a big deal, it's news no different to them dating a male celebrity (which also shouldn't be worth making the news, just saying).

I realise that this is not the world we live in today, but if more people acted this way then we be much closer to living in the world of sexual equality that we're working towards.

I'm sorry if anyone finds this view to be offensive or insensitive but quite frankly I have several gay friends, I have several gay friends who share this same view as me and I have had a grand total of seven people "come out" to me as gay or bi before they have ven told their family. My reaction to them being gay/bi is pretty much "supportive indifference" and that has usually been met with far better results than those who have made it a big deal. One of the happiest moments in one friends life (supposedly) was her coming out to me and me responding with a brief hug and "nobody cares". I realise that this won't be the same for everyone, after all we're all people with different beliefs and personalities but I think 7/7 happy is a pretty decent indicator that I'm doing something right.

Sexuality may not be a non-issue today but if more of us stopped acting like it was something major than maybe we'd be one step closer to this actually being the case.

^this completely. I soooo agree. Being gay is just not that big a deal. It's really not. When I find out someone is gay, I literally don't look at them any differently than before I knew. When someone like a celebrity comes out of the closet and it becomes a huge deal in the media, it's basically like they're screaming "Such-and-such is gay! Look at him differently!" Isn't the whole idea not to look at someone any differently just because they're gay?

I recognize that to an extent it is a big deal because it's regarded as such in today's society, but isn't that the perception that we're trying to defeat?

 

[Flushed]

We may be trying to change the way society views things like these, but that begs the question, should we try and make the most of the situation we're in and capitalize on the media attention and visibility or solely try to shift gears? I think a lot of people looking for that support now miss out if we instigate change.

Idk, just my view. It's been kinda hard to keep up with all the posts here as they all address similar points with valid arguments.

i mean, it's kind of presumptuous to put a generalising answer here regarding coming out. you are never under any obligation to come out, and if coming out will endanger your safety (and I say this as someone who came out to her parents and got kicked out) then why do it? why risk shelter and financial stability instead of doing what you can to survive? i just really don't think it's anyone's place to prescribe or judge someone's choice in disclosure due to their own personal circumstances and their own conception of the risks involved.

celebrity-wise, yeah, apathy is a good way of being a hip ally, but visibility is key to proving the omnipresence of diverse genders and sexualities.

Staying in the closet presents its own risks. Opposite of maybe physical and financial stability you have the question of mental stability. There may be no objective solution that will work every time for the plethora of different situations and circumstances, but I think having people weigh in on something like this can be insightful, and based on their own experiences/arguments, can possibly influence how others proceed (or don't proceed). And perhaps in an environment where we're not looking to give advice, insight on how society and the individual functions becomes apparent.

 

[Squirrel]

i mean, it's kind of presumptuous to put a generalising answer here regarding coming out. you are never under any obligation to come out, and if coming out will endanger your safety (and I say this as someone who came out to her parents and got kicked out) then why do it? why risk shelter and financial stability instead of doing what you can to survive? i just really don't think it's anyone's place to prescribe or judge someone's choice in disclosure due to their own personal circumstances and their own conception of the risks involved.

Couldn't agree more. Personally I was lucky enough to have a very accepting family so I had no problems with coming out myself, but my boyfriend is in a similar situation to that which you described. Coming out for him would almost certainly result in being kicked out or worse, and no amount of 'mental stability' is worth having to find a new home and way of living for when you're at such a vulnerable time of your life. Coming out should never be forced and it shouldn't be something that people expect you to do/judge you for not doing - it's none of their business, basically.

 

[stell]

Staying in the closet presents its own risks. Opposite of maybe physical and financial stability you have the question of mental stability. There may be no objective solution that will work every time for the plethora of different situations and circumstances, but I think having people weigh in on something like this can be insightful, and based on their own experiences/arguments, can possibly influence how others proceed (or don't proceed). And perhaps in an environment where we're not looking to give advice, insight on how society and the individual functions becomes apparent.

ok, forgive the brevity, but what do you mean by mental stability? the supposed "guilt of nondisclosure"?

and i mean, yes, it differs. you can certainly hide homosexuality or bisexuality if you really need to; those of us who are transgender can either fall into dysphoria and depression or, well, come out, and trying to make a new life for yourself on top of trying to get a hold on hormones through some miracle, trying to keep a job if you disclose, and dealing with the weird realities of a body under metamorphosis and trying to reconfigure what you see in the mirror as changes occur...if I didn't have my girlfriend, I wouldn't be here. it's way more complicated and varying than anyone can even consider. we aren't pawns in the war of invisibility; we are oppressed minorities who could very well die on the streets if we aren't careful. and knowing that, the only reaction I can think necessary is the stonefaced acceptance of difficulties inconceivable.

 

[Flushed]

ok, forgive the brevity, but what do you mean by mental stability? the supposed "guilt of nondisclosure"?

and i mean, yes, it differs. you can certainly hide homosexuality or bisexuality if you really need to; those of us who are transgender can either fall into dysphoria and depression or, well, come out, and trying to make a new life for yourself on top of trying to get a hold on hormones through some miracle, trying to keep a job if you disclose, and dealing with the weird realities of a body under metamorphosis and trying to reconfigure what you see in the mirror as changes occur...if I didn't have my girlfriend, I wouldn't be here. it's way more complicated and varying than anyone can even consider. we aren't pawns in the war of invisibility; we are oppressed minorities who could very well die on the streets if we aren't careful. and knowing that, the only reaction I can think necessary is the stonefaced acceptance of difficulties inconceivable.

Guilt could be a factor. Perhaps you're limited as to your expression of your true self while in the closet, especially in the instances listed, being under the roof of your parents. Depression, etc. can develop as you mentioned. I don't exactly have a concrete response, but I do know that these mental ailments do occur and I think it's worth weighing the pros and cons of coming out based on your personal situation, no matter how dire. I never meant to suggest a catch-all solution, but maybe just discuss the possibilities present for those in such a situation and how different outcomes will result from different approaches.

Not sure if this really answers your post or not, I'm kinda finding it hard to say what I'm thinking at the moment.

 

[Shining Raichu]

I just had a twisted little thought on this topic and thought I'd share it with you fine people. As much as I want what everybody's saying - for coming out not to be a thing and for people to just hold hands and love one another no matter who they love, what God they believe in etc - at the same time one tiny little part of me will be just a touch disappointed when it does.

You see, I kind of like coming out. It's fun. I like watching people freak out for a split second and get slightly uncomfortable and just wait til they leave and then laugh at them. For instance last week at work I decided to do it because I hadn't done it in a while. My work friend Lauren and I were chatting to a customer at the counter. It was Valentines Day and Lauren and I have great chemistry working together so we were bantering back and forth and the customer actually thought we were a couple. So I said "Ha no, I'm gay and she has a boyfriend." He looked startled and didn't quite know what to say and said a stream of things like "why would you tell me that, that's not true is it? I mean, not that there's anything wrong with it..."

Then I walked away from the counter to start putting away the beer delivery and Lauren told me later that the customer then proceeded to ♥♥♥♥♥ to her saying things like "why do gay people feel the need to do tell everybody about it?" and then started taking about how he can't stand the real feminine ones etc etc. And we laughed and laughed and laughed...

So yeah, a bit of light and shade there. His reaction is the most fun I'd had at work in weeks, but it's also not a good thing for society that he did react that way lol.

 

[Phantom1]

^ lol Andy.


As fun as that part of it can be, it's still a sign that the bigots are out there.

My parents are currently out of state to visit my grandfather, whom I barely know. My mom said she's surprised at the kind of person he is, and that she hadn't seen it before. She said maybe that she didn't notice as much before I came out, but she hadn't realized how homophobic he was. She told me he refused to shake hands with someone because he thought they were gay. She still hasn't told him about me.

I say not my loss, I didn't like the guy before I knew this, knowing this, still don't give three flying fluffs about the guy.

 

[Gentle Grimer]

By no means should anyone feel obligated to come out. I'm out and proud to everyone I know, family and friends, but not because I shouted it from the rooftops. If anyone, stranger or otherwise was to ask me, I'd happily tell them. However, I feel it's only ever a private thing, because family and strangers often assume someone is straight until they see proof of anything otherwise. Which I think is the issue here.

The long-term goal for society is obviously for any process of coming out to become redundant. I'm certainly not ok with parents simply assuming their child is straight, whether they're an effeminate male/female, or a masculine male/female. Even if there's no stereotypical qualities of homosexuality, it seems wrong to just assume someone is straight.

I might be divulging a little bit, but there's a recent study where you're able to determine someone's sexual orientation along with other things through testing their earwax. I'm not sure if it would work in this way or even at this age, but if in the future parents could test their child's earwax to know if they're gay, of course the process of coming out would be eradicated. It would certainly be nice not to have to bombard unknowing parents by coming out, but this also opens up the issue of disapproving parents possibly abandoning their kids or treating them differently. I know I'm speaking hypothetically here, but to have everyone around you already know you're gay, before you can figure it out yourself doesn't seem exactly kind. Following that, maybe coming out is necessary to mark your own self-acceptance?

I've not really reached my own conclusion on the topic here lol.

 

[Corvus of the Black Night]

lol why should you be obliged to come out to someone, that's something personal. You should however have the right that you're treated fairly after doing so, since that is a sign of trust if you do come out on someone. In short, don't be that one asshat.

 

[zakisrage]

I think it's important to come out, but coming out has its risks. Not everyone is going to accept it, which you'll probably have to get used to. Most of my gay friends have been accepted by their families. I think it's best to only tell people who you're comfortable telling - telling everyone you meet that you're gay is not a good idea.

Being a Muslim, LGBT issues is kind of a touchy subject. In many Muslim families, if they find out that you're gay, then you're dead to them. I've heard of gays and lesbians being honour killed by their families. It's very sad. And yet for some reason pederasty is tolerated. It's really hypocritical.

 

[Nick]

I just hope one day we'll live in a world where coming out isn't necessary and the only person who cares that you're gay is that girl/guy who's eyeing you from across the room and is going to be disappointed tonight.

 

[Dakotah]

In essence, everyone comes out in life. We come out to our friends and family when we begin seeing someone romantically, we come out when we get new jobs. We come out when we completed a project. Coming out isn't just about revealing one's sexual orientation, it's also about inviting others to share in the joy in our lives, no matter what that might be. We come out every day for one reason or another.

 

[Taemin]

^ That is very true, now if only most of society saw it such a simple way. We would be okay, and have no heated discussion taking place here. -w-

 

[Entermaid]

In essence, everyone comes out in life. We come out to our friends and family when we begin seeing someone romantically, we come out when we get new jobs. We come out when we completed a project. Coming out isn't just about revealing one's sexual orientation, it's also about inviting others to share in the joy in our lives, no matter what that might be. We come out every day for one reason or another.

I agree with this definition.

For me, I don't really volunteer information to people if I don't have to, especially in a collegiate/work setting. Though, I may have close friends in those fields which is a different circumstance.

I prefer to have close ties with fewer people, rather than attempting to develop relationships with a multitude of people. And thus, I am open, very open with those few people I trust with, well, most aspects of my life. "Coming out" in the respect that you use it, quite well I'd say, is something intimate and special. Other shallow relationships, I tend not come out about my faith, my past,my worries/thoughts, my love life, ect. They don't need to know; they are not important people in my life, nor am I important to them. This is why I like to "come out" as you have contextualized it, in all respects to some people, and not come out in respect, to a majority of others.

Reminds me a bit of FB. I have very few "friends" that are actually people I talk to on a regular basis. Not a bunch of people that I send the obligatory "happy birthday" to once a year via FB message. Ah, I don't know how people can post pictures of themselves, described their emotions and privates lives, ect. so candidly with people who they are not that close with. Anyway, life's simpler, for me at least, when my social life is controlled, high-quality, and very simple to manage. Relationships of all varieties, can be a huge investment. So sometimes I choose not to come-out entirely. Only with those in my life that I have built trust among.

 

[Shining Raichu]

Being a Muslim, LGBT issues is kind of a touchy subject. In many Muslim families, if they find out that you're gay, then you're dead to them. I've heard of gays and lesbians being honour killed by their families. It's very sad. And yet for some reason pederasty is tolerated. It's really hypocritical.

What does "honour killed" mean?

 

[Alexander Nicholi]

I think my sexuality is something that need not be flaunted about, but not stowed away either. Here's an example of how I handle it.

The other day (last Thursday, since it was PT), all of us men were changing for PT in the restroom outside the pod. There were a few upper-level cadets (Peterson, Nixon, Minor and I), and a few other first-year guys. As I was taking off my pants Peterson (a platoon leader) looked at me, and asked me if I got a spray-tan. I replied yes, and he said "that's kind of gay." I look at him expectantly and say "but I'm bi!", and he just backed away a step or two. Nixon started cracking up and Minor just looked at me with a goofy look on his Scandinavian face, and Peterson finally commented "Well now I know that." As we left Nixon looked at me with a grin and said "You told him, Rose." So yes, I kind of like doing what Andy did. :P

As far as the situations and implications that come with coming out among other people, I can safely say a lot of people have it worse than me. My father's the kind of guy that'll lie to you and tell you he's totally accepting and then use it as a tool to rationalize his daily bigotry. My mother's totally accepting though, and happens to be bi as well. :3 You can imagine my father doesn't have a clue about either of us, and he doesn't, even after knowing me for 15 years and being married to my mother for a separate 15 years.

I know some people deal with religious bigotry, which is very contradictory in the eyes of anyone with a brain. And in all honesty, I would be in a mental institution right now if I had parents so stupid they can't accept the sexuality of their own kids. Or worse, I'd be booted out whenever I told them.

...Makes me think of that one Voice contestant from years back who was always trying to get his parents acceptance of his homosexuality. If I was on that stage I'd be like "Hey y'all, I just wanna say up yours dad for not having the brains or balls to do something that a housecat could do, which is take the responsibility of accepting your kids god damn sexuality. Peace~"

 

[£]

Whatever I'm into is my business. If I fall for someone and they're right for me, they'll know. If I'm committed to someone, I'm rather private about it. I was irritated that my ex-girlfriend wanted to have the relationship on Facebook but I did oblige. Why should they know though?

I hate the childish culture of the world towards sexuality right now and I don't see myself branding myself with any of the terms that are floating about right now. I believe there's only two people that REALLY need to care about what they like; and that's the two people going out. Or hell, three, four or five or more if there's some other arrangement. I don't really care nor judge what people prefer. Sexuality is a very unimportant aspect in terms of whether someone is a decent person or not, and that's what I care about if I want to know about someone and associate with them. A mature outlook on sexuality is something I look for though. If you're a person who literally broadcasts "HI I'M A SEXUALITY LOOK THIS IS A VITAL THING ABOUT ME MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANY SUBSTANCE TO MY PERSONALITY LIKE" you're probably going to push me far far away.

But I guess I'm just one person. Clearly the world disagrees with me on not making a huge deal out of this. C'est la vie.