Just discovered this place, and I would like to vent here a little. If I'm not allowed, I will delete it if need be though.
I have been diagnosed with Severe Social Anxiety and Minor Depression, although I hadn't been completely truthful about how I've been feeling to the doctor, as my mother was there and I was scared of what she would say if I spoke about it, so I'm not completely sure how true that is. I have also heard my family talking about me an autism, but I'm not exactly sure what they mean.
I would say things were fine until I was 6, I was in Prep, and it is that year when the bullying that would be a staple of my life began. My classmates where always avoiding me, running away whenever I came near. I didn't even understand why since I was never given a reason. I was always alone, just walking around the school. When other kids made fun of me, I couldn't even tell my teacher because she would think I was lying. I did eventually find a friend around a year later, and things started getting better. I had joined a soccer team that was going well, I had found people I got along with. Still had people making games out of avoiding me though.
When I was 10, we had to move away, which meant changing schools. I had just promised my friend that I would be back the next year as well, so you can imagine how annoyed I was. I couldn't even tell him since it was during the summer break when I found out. I was really upset, and I would find out later that when school came back, he asked the teacher where I was and he was told I wasn't going there anymore, to which he cried. I was still set on seeing him again, which is something I wanted to do for the next 6 years.
It was then that things started going downhill a lot. I was speaking less with people, focusing more on schoolwork, people were always saying rude things about me, I had balls thrown at me. They even made a new disease that anyone or anything that I touch is infected. So I regressed even more. Even when someone stood up for me and told the teachers, all the people who were in on it began blaming me, and said I was just using it to get things. The teachers believed them of course. My teachers were also looking down on me while I went to this school, singling me out even if other people are doing something wrong. I had a cast over my right wrist, so I couldn't write, and I was just told to figure it out. Then I find out that my principal, who was also the principal of my old school, has been telling all the teachers that I was some kind of trouble maker, leading to more targeting. I only lasted a year and a half before I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't go to school for 5 months? I think.
Then I was at a school that I would stay at for the rest of my time until college, I stood up for a younger kid while my classmate was bullying him, somehow turned into a fight. I ended up with a giant bruised face, and it was after that where my grades started going down, I couldn't understand anything the teachers were telling us. It was also during this time that I started being afraid of people, no matter who it was. Never really talked to anyone, and sat in an area away from everyone else. Teachers I liked were disappearing one after the other as well, so learning got even more difficult. Things stayed like that, with comments being made by classmates daily, for a while. I did find a new friend when I was 15, when we bonded over Pokemon, and anime, and he introduced me to a group of people who I still sort of get along with today, although they are probably only putting up with me because they feel bad. Then, I got involved with the scariest guy in the grade, he was big, around the size of the door, taller than most of the teachers, and I had heard things about him being extremely violent. I can't even remember what I did, he just started chasing me around the school, and a teacher eventually stopped it. He was told to go home, but I was leaving the office as he left the classroom with his things, and he came at me again. I couldn't get into a classroom and lock the door in time, when he grabbed me, and started choking me. I couldn't breath, and it took 3 teachers to get him off me. Other students were just there outside the classroom laughing though, which hit me a lot. The kid was expelled, as that wasn't his only assault, but other students would keep bringing it up, and acting like they didn't know what happened. I began pushing most people away after that. Then, towards the end of high-school, I see my friend that hadn't seen since I was 10. I was happy, and I began thinking that we could maybe catch up later. I spoke to him, and I realised that I was holding onto that old friendship for no reason. Of course no one would actually do that. It did sort of cut deep, and I felt like I had wasted all that time wanting to see them again. He seemed to have moved on a long time ago, and that he had just forgotten about me.
Now, we get to my first year of college, where my anxiety hit an all time high, It got to the point where I couldn't leave the house out of fear, that everyone was out there too target me. That every stranger is just watching me, judging me. I dropped out of college around a third of the year through, and the mental and physical thrashing didn't end there. My own family had always been a little tough to be around, always making fun of me as well. But once I dropped out, it went extreme. As soon as they would get home, they would start yelling at me for not doing anything with my life, and whenever they asked me to do something, and I declined, they would say things like "You literally do nothing all day, you never leave the house. The least you could do is (Whatever they would be telling me to do)". Even when I was finally diagnosed later that year, they all acted like I was faking it for attention, or over playing it. They were also always making fun of my body, so I'm also quite self conscious even now at 18. Sometimes I had thoughts of bad things, but I was too afraid to do anything. My grandmother is the one that suggested I see a Psychologist, which I was afraid of, because I didn't really want to be seen as crazy. My siblings don't even know I was seeing a psychologist, as they would probably continue on about me doing for attention.
My first time seeing the psychologist, I couldn't speak, or even look at her. At the time, my only source of comfort was my phone which I took with me everywhere, and I was moving it around in my hands and fidgeting. I went to see her 8 times last year, I think. I had also tried to go back to college, which a made it through the entire year somehow. I am doing a 13th year now, and while my anxiety has gone down a little, I still can't really talk to people, and I don't feel completely safe in public. I still have depressive episodes every so often as well, but things have been getting better. My family still hasn't though, but I have nowhere else to go so I just take it. But, I still feel like no matter what I do, I'll never be good enough, that everyone in my life sees me as a huge disappointment. My mother called me a burden a few weeks ago because I just said that my little sister could clean the dishes for once. I mean yeah, I see what she means. I am 18, and I Haven't even had a job yet, to her it's just me being lazy.
Sorry for this long post, and sorry for ranting, I just can't seem to ever get what I'm trying to say through. If this shouldn't be here then I will delete it.
