Its been awhile since I posted here. Things are better than they were at the time of my last post. Part of the reason for the troubles I experienced was an unhappy relationship that I wanted to escape from, but I could not say so publicly at the time. I am moving into a good place, a career I'm excited about, surrounded by amazing friends, getting closer to my dad, a new pet in the home. Its a very fun time of year right now with the holidays around. Yet, this morning has not been good, though overall my life is on a great path.
I have had trouble sleeping for awhile. Having to survive on such little sleep, and experiencing nightmares it seems every brief instant that I do sleep, has led to me feeling haunted throughout the remains of the day. I was beyond startled when I woke up before dawn. It was a paralyzing fear that has lasted for hours. I felt so stiff and awash in dread that it felt like I was having a heart attack. It was a feeling of horror that went deep into my bones. As the day goes on, I still feel fearful, but the overwhelming feeling is despair now, pain. I struggle to find the exact word, but I think it is anguish.
Not to mention I am having physical pain right now too because of the tense way I slept. My back has ached all day and night. I will probably have to reach for pills, but dread the outcome of that as well, expecting chest pain and the experience of the lining in my stomach being worn away from the higher strength ibuprofen. I had been having trouble with my chest and legs these last few weeks anyway, and am not happy to entertain some potential additional side effects. Right now I just want to not move, and simply wallow in self-pity. I don't even care about feeling happy, it is so morbid. There are things I might do that could cheer me up. Yet, I choose despair...