[RESULTS!] Small Writing Competition

[Nolafus]

I submitted my entry.

Got it!

 

[Bay]

Delirious Absol, Elite Overlord LeSabre™, and Aisu got your guys entries in!

Like bobandbill, I'll also put in a few comments in addition to the scores (I actually already got started on some of them, but after the entry period closes I might change them). Really enjoyed the entries I read so far!

 

[bobandbill]

Got yours as well, Aisu!

 

[Venia Silente]

Hmmm, job schedule has made it a bit difficult to get QA / beta reading on the entry, so depending on how things advance today I might have to post an unrevised entry, barring a weekend extension.

I thought I was better prepared. Or rather, I am, to write, but not to have to work on it at late night time with rainstorm and temperatures about -6°C. Curiously enough, the rainstorm kicked just the day when the contest was announced. :p

 

[txteclipse]

Sorry all, I've been epic busy the past few days and I'm gonna have to sit this one out. Looking forward to everyone else's entries!

 

[Venia Silente]

I'm sorry to hear that, txteclipse. I like seeing you around in instances like this.

Well, I'll see what I can do.

 

[TopoftheFlops]

Ok submitted my entry, hopefully yall liked it.

 

[Retro Bug]

I sent in my submission, I'm running on three hours of sleep so let me know if I missed someone/something.

 

[doge]

I sent in my submission. Hopefully I'm in line with the prompt.

 

[Nolafus]

Ok submitted my entry, hopefully yall liked it.

I sent in my submission, I'm running on three hours of sleep so let me know if I missed someone/something.

I sent in my submission. Hopefully I'm in line with the prompt.

All received!

 

[Ho-Oh]

Sent, I hope the formatting didn't break itself again :| Fixed it a million times.

 

[Bay]

TopoftheFlops, Retro Bug, doge, and Forever, got your guys' entries!

Less than 20 minutes left to send in your entries!

 

[bobandbill]

Confirming that I got your four entries too!

 

[Bay]

And the entry phase is over! Not accepting entries anymore!

Thanks to those that submitted their stories! Ten entries, not bad! :) Right now the judges will be reading and scoring the entries, so hopefully we'll get the results ready in a few days!

 

[Venia Silente]

Okay, I wasn't really able to get past the half-done point myself. So, skipping this one (and hopefully only this one). Luck to all participants then.

 

[Necrum]

Man, I really wanted to participate in this :(

 

[gimmepie]

I'm really disappointed that once again real life became too busy for me to actually participate in this event. Good luck to everyone who submitted a story!

 

[Bay]

Quick update on the scoring:

Nolfaus and I got our scores turned in, waiting for bobandbill's. After that, compiling the scores and comments won't be too hard!

 

[bobandbill]

My scores are done too. I need to find some time to put all the scores/comments together and in order for posting, is all.

 

[bobandbill]

Here are the results! Please let me know if I put in a wrong number somewhere. (Spreadsheets help though - thanks Bay!)

During the judging process Bay remarked to me that a bunch of these were harder to separate than last year, and I agree there. But as usual there were pretty enjoyable entries to read. I strongly urge you all to post your entries in the FF&W section! (You can use the [SWC] tag for your thread too).

Well done to all participants and the winners! Expect your emblems in a while, hopefully not a long one. :p

Comments are in the spoiler tags, separated by judge.


Tenth Place

Forever - Unova Origins
Score: 56/90
Breakdown:

Spoiler:

Bay Alexison
Spelling and Grammar: 8
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 6
Relevance to Prompt: 8
Total: 22

Spoiler:

Spelling and Grammar- 8

So this is a bit hard for me to judge because I'm not sure whether you wanted this to be in script or prose form (more on that in the "Plot, Characterization, and Description" section). Sometimes when you have this:

Iris: I'm coming!" Iris screamed

It's 's a strange format as I'm already aware Iris mentioned it . In scripts I usually see this:

Iris (screams): I'm coming!

I haven't seen any glaring spelling mistakes though and grammar seems fine otherwise!

Plot, Characterization, and Description- 6

This is an interesting different take on the Black/White games, but there are some problems I want to address. There were a couple instances where I thought Iris was OCC, particularly one part where she'll use Dragonite on the Twist Mountain workers themselves. Ghetsis's backstory, while probably explains why he didn't like Alder, feels overdramatic to me.

Description part is where I'm having mixed feelings how to approach because of me uncertain if you want this in script or prose form, as mentioned in "Spelling and Grammar". It seems you're going for script format as you've been pointing out the locations and have the story mostly told in dialogue. For a script fic the bare descriptions is fine, though there are some instances you can give a bit more detail, like when Ghetsis and Iris were in Twist Mountain. I noticed instances though you have the dialogue in prose form, like this:

Ghetsis rolled his eyes and turned to the amusement park. His demeanor suddenly changed. "No... it cannot be." he whispered. Ghetsis ran towards the amusement park. Iris followed begrudgingly.

I feel this story would benefit a bit more with the writing as regular prose instead of script form as I think the themes where you have going would be conveyed better through more detailed emotions that a script sometimes can't pull. You know in some arguments a lot of times movie adaptations of books aren't good because the emotions tend to fall sort? Kind of same deal.

Relevance to Prompt- 8
While the battle Ghetsis and Iris had against the Twist Mountain workers was enjoyable and they have a couple moments together after to set aside their differences, their teamwork overall is slightly underwhelming. A few more interactions from them would make me feel they've really learn from their teamwork. Also it would be nice to see Flynn and N have some teamwork moments.

bobandbill
Spelling and Grammar: 7
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 5
Relevance to Prompt: 7
Total: 19

Spoiler:

This was a somewhat wacky story. Various details such as the television reports of the 'rainbow Pokemon' that is 'possibly wielding a knife' and Ghetsis' monologue of angst followed by the Plasma grunt saying 'can we just use your adopted son' certainly got a laugh out of me. The prompt seemed decently afddressed with Iris working together with Ghetsis.

The story's oddity maybe didn't lend itself too well to its plot. Some events just seemed to happen for the sake of it (e.g. Skyla not able to give them a flight any more making them walk so they wouldn't miss Flynn and N by going straight to Pinwheel Forest), while others didn't seem to give much relevance. Description could have been used more too, for instance to make the battle more exciting and also give more impact behind Ghetsis and Iris working together - some of their teamwork was told to us by Iris saying 'you're not so bad' to Ghetsis. Concluding the battle with 'a minute later the battle was over' and then jumping through the mountain with another line also rushed the story, I felt.

I wasn't a fan of your presentation choice of dialogue (and a bit more) being in white and the rest in black. It just didn't seem to add anything to the story, while it also made reading harder without changing to a forum skin that accommodated both black and while text. You also mentioned that it took you a while, and perhaps that's why the story itself felt like it could have used a bit more time.
There were a few errors that tended to repeat themselves. Here's a selection:

I don't think I really needed to come out here just to hear that..." He sighed as he wiped his forehead.
(...)
"Or do you mean black and blue?" He sighed as he wrote down notes.

'he sighed' was repeated in quick succession. I would suggest changing one of those.

"...a what? You're only seven, how are..."

Start with a capital 'A'.

Flynn was considered by most to be a skinny boy, about 4'6", with golden blond highlights.

Personally I discourage against height facts. They're rarely vital (you don't need to know how tall a character is to the nearest inch), and for those who don't use the feet/inches system to measure height it doesn't help much either.

Do you have Poké Balls?" She smiled.

I feel this (and other sentences) read better as one sentence rather than two, so change the 'She' to 'she'. Similarly (and in other places):

You're a Gym Leader, you're supposed to have balls." He smirked.

change 'He' to 'he', and the full stop after 'balls' to a comma ('...to have balls," he smirked.').

"Unova Champion..."Iris gazed up at the clouds.

Missing space here. This happened a few other times as well.

While I appreciated the off-beat humour the story itself didn't quite work for myself and some expansion through description may have helped. Good effort nonetheless!

Nolafus
Spelling and Grammar: 4
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 3
Relevance to Prompt: 8
Total: 15

Spoiler:

There's a reason script fics aren't allowed in FF&W, and it's not because we're really mean. Script fics typically don't carry the weight a story needs, and that's what happened here. The story was hard to get immersed in because there wasn't a lot to go off of. We had a lot of dialogue, and a few sentences about the setting. There wasn't a lot of information for the reader to go off of and visualize how everything was working out and how the relationships were forming. Since there wasn't a lot of descriptive sentences, it was up to the dialogue to carry the story, and that's never really a good thing. When the weight of the story is set upon the dialogue, what characters say often becomes flat and full of unecessary information, making the characters themselves look pretty bland. The settings felt fake, and the script format just didn't set the story up for success.

You did stick to the prompt pretty well, however. It didn't come through much with the storyline about N and Flynn, but Iris and Ghestis did show quite a bit of teamwork to reach their individual goals. Teamwork took center stage in their storyarc as they had to put their feelings towards each other aside to move forward. I would have liked to see more teamwork in the other storylines, but it was front and center for the main one.

Ninth Place

Bacteriophage - Untitled
Score: 58/90
Breakdown:

Spoiler:

Bay Alexison
Spelling and Grammar: 7
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 6
Relevance to Prompt: 7
Total: 20

Spoiler:

Spelling and Grammar-7
I noticed several mistakes when punctuating dialogue.

"Come, follow me." Aunt Moo said to Alfonse Meriwether, and brought him into the kitchen. Potson followed, but the door was slammed, locking him outside.

I noticed most of the time when you have a dialogue tag (he said, she remarked, etc) follow after a dialogue, you have a period. In most cases it's supposed to be a comma instead. Like this:

"Come, follow me," Aunt Moo said to Alfonse Meriwether, and brought him into the kitchen. Potson followed, but the door was slammed, locking him outside.

There's also cases here I feel a lot of the sentences you can put together into a paragraph as having a couple sentences each paragraph makes the sentence/paragraphing structure a bit choppy.

One last thing I noticed is a couple mention of "Holmes", which I'm assuming this was originally going to be loosely based on the Sherlock Holmes stories?

Characterization, Plot, and Description -6
The premise of two detectives dealing with a monster sounds promising, but I feel the plot and characterization were very rushed. I don't feel I got the chance to figure out Poston and Meriwether's personalities well. Well, I got that Poston loves Aunt Miranda and baseball, but that's about it. There's also the deal with Aunt Moo still out there, so it feels incomplete.

In terms of description, there's a lot of telling and not much room for slowing down. For instance, you mentioned a couple times Poston loves Aunt Miranda. You could go for more emotional description/body language to showcase that. One way is Poston's heart beating rapidly upon seeing her (before it's revealed she already died).

Relevance to Prompt- 7
I can see you have two detectives to fit this prompt and they did get to work together at the end, so kudos for that. However, as I said in the character and plot section it felt unfinished.

bobandbill
Spelling and Grammar: 6
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 4
Relevance to Prompt: 5
Total: 15

Spoiler:

Firstly, a presentation comment - it's better to separate sentences with a line of spacing, as otherwise reading on the computer screen can hurt the eyes. The issue with forum formatting, I suppose. Furthermore, sometimes you started a new line when I felt you could have kept them together as part of the same paragraph. E.g.:

When they entered, they were surprised to see there were no other people there, which was unusual for a Saturday night.
It was dark. There was a single lightbulb hanging in the middle of the room, that provided minimal light.

These two bits are both about the room - nobody is inside, and there was only one light. (Meanwhile, the comma at the end isn't necessary imo).

The story itself was... weird. I think that describes it well. =p It took the story a moment to really show its true colours, so the tone at the beginning could use some adjustment as it threw me off. Even then however it still strikes is as too weird for my own tastes, I'm afraid, although some parts were certainly amusing.

The prompt didn't seem to be used terribly much - there was the teamwork between the two detectives, but it didn't appear to be a central part of the theme.

A few more quotes, although there were repetitions and additional ones to these - only giving a few for judging time's sake:

"Aunt Miranda? How's business? I find it unusual that the restaurant is empty on such a night." Potson said to her.

You'd want to use a comma after 'night' rather than a full stop, as both the dialogue and what follows can be treated as one sentence (and 'Potson said to her' doesn't stand by itself as its own sentence).

Potson was quite in love with Miranda, but unsure if she loved him back.

Sometimes you told us facts such as these, which could have been shown instead - for instance, the way he spoke to her could show the reader how he feels.

and a ring around it's left ear

its, rather than it's (it is).
Sometimes details were included that didn't appear vital to the story. The initial for John's middle name for instance, or the fact their house was on 221 street didn't play any part in the story and could be omitted.

Nolafus
Spelling and Grammar: 10
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 6
Relevance to Prompt: 7
Total: 23

Spoiler:

There was a bit of a spacing problem with the paragraphs, but I'll chalk that up to word documents not liking being copy and pasted on forums.

I'm sorry, but the plot just didn't work for me. I understand that you were going for an over the top, ridiculous story, and it was, but it was too odd for me. Things moved quicker than I felt like they should have, so it felt like you were trying to fit too much into a small space. It's a tricky balance, and when you're going for that kind of story, you have to find it. Things weren't making sense for me, and I just wasn't a fan.

Teamwork only really made an appearance towards the end, when they were flying down from the helicopter and smashing chickens into the diner. For about 70% of the story, the main character was flying solo, so I have to dock a few points. The teamwork aspect was definitely there, but not the focus.

Overall, it was just a little too weird for my tastes.

Eighth Place

Flannery Lu - Untitled
Score: 62/90
Breakdown:

Spoiler:

Bay Alexison
Spelling and Grammar: 8
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 6
Relevance to Prompt: 7
Total: 21

Spoiler:

Spelling and Grammar – 8
I noticed several instances where you have the dialogue punctuation wrong. Also the way you format the paragraph is weird. When you have a line of dialogue, it should be together in one paragraph like this:

"Hello, Kristin," said Jessie.

Characterization, Plot, and Description -6
I feel this was very rushed. Even though Flannery explained a couple times she didn't want to be in the spotlight, I find it hard to believe she wouldn't try against the Mewtwo clones herself or chose Andrew instead of someone more qualified. The very end is very confusing and I thought you could have describe Flannery being annoyed instead of using "-_-".

Relevance to Prompt -7
I can see where you try to fit Andrew working with Flannery and Cynthia, but the execution didn't work out. Andrew working with Charizard could work, but I didn't really sense any teamwork with them.

bobandbill
Spelling and Grammar: 7
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 6
Relevance to Prompt: 6
Total: 19

Spoiler:

Firstly, I would recommend to avoid sending in entries in purple font, because it was rather hard for me to read it (I use a dark forum skin). In fact, I had to re-paste it without the colour tags so I could do that. Presentation is key. Using indents for dialogue is unusual, but was much more manageable by comparison.

On that note, there's no need to keep dialogue to its own line, and on occasion you were inconsistent with how you presented it, e.g.:

"What is it with these moths...?" he muttered.
(...)
"I have got to stop losing track of time."

Andrew said.

Happily the writing was pretty enjoyable! I liked events such as Andrew hiding in his room like that - got a laugh from me. Description was fairly solid.

At first I wasn't convinced by what Flannery said about needing to go back through time/space to rescue/recruit Andrew to help beat the threat however, because otherwise she'd be known as a strong trainer. If the world is at stake, then... that seems somewhat more important, and having legendary Pokemon not want to help except to allow her to get someone to help her out like that felt all too contrived. Andrew lampshading this didn't quite work out.

And that said, it was easier to accept when it turned out to be just a dream! And I liked that you seemed to have hinted at this fact during the story as well. That said, it didn't give the story any real purpose or resolution, nor did the dream seem to reflect anything beyond that Flannery is awesome (at least in her mind) and that Andrew is... dating her, I suppose. You mentioned in the PM that you were out of ideas too, and that may be why the plot felt a bit stitched together. It may be worth thinking more about the plot, because otherwise your writing was pretty decent.

I wasn't seeing the prompt all that well. Teamwork between Pokemon and trainer wasn't evident ('When Flannery truly battled, she never gave her Pokémon any commands. She would simply tell them to fight as if they were defending their lives, and it proved to be far more effective than training a Pokémon to wait for the trainer's call.'), and Flannery seemed to be doing her own thing instead of really helping Andrew directly. While it was true that Dialga and Palkia had helped, the prompt didn't feel to be a main feature of the piece.

A few points here on grammar (some of these occurred in other places in the story too:)

It was too early to be waking up yet, as he had only slept for three hours.

This tells us nearly the same information twice - he woke up too early, or that he only got three hours of sleep is basically the same information. You could opt to go with one half of those instead.

Sighing angrily, Andrew hopped out of bed, and got dressed in some lazy clothes; as he liked to call them. A pair of Shorts, and a T-Shirt.

The semicolon is better replaced with a comma, and there's no need to capitalise words like shorts.

On either side of it, were two large black and red 'tower' speakers that could have easily been four feet tall.

Sometimes you used commas unnecessarily such as here before 'were'.

"Oh good, I was just getting ready to call you Flann!"

Use a comma either before or after a name when it is used to address someone (even if it is a title or nickname, like here).

Overall you write well. The story could use some more direction and polish, but it was still an enjoyable read.

Nolafus
Spelling and Grammar: 8
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 6
Relevance to Prompt: 8
Total: 22

Spoiler:

There were a few grammar mistakes spread throughout, and the story would have benifited from a proofread. It was under a deadline, though, so it's not that big of a deal. Although, the sentences attached to the dialogue (_____ said, "..." and "...," ____ said) are supposed to go on the same line as the dialogue, so keep that in mind for the future.

Story wise, I didn't really feel like it flowed that well. It jumped from event to event quite a bit, and skipped over the climax. The first half of the story was building up to the fight with the clones, but then it was skipped over like it wasn't a big deal, and that let to a bit of a let down. I can understand wanting to make it seem like Charizard could handle it easily, but there is such a thing as making it too easy. Also, it's odd that Flannery didn't want anyone to find out about her and her pokemon, so she didn't do anything herself, yet there wasn't anyone around to watch the fights anyway.

As far as the relevance goes with the Charizard not taking orders from Andrew and just doing its own thing, that's a big window for teamwork that wasn't there. I felt like teamwork fell aside for the love story a couple times, so I docked a couple points for that.

Overall, I thought the idea was interesting. I found it amusing that Flannery was the super powerful trainer she was, but seeing your username and avatar, I understand, haha.

Seventh Place

TopoftheFlop - The Power of Teamwork
Score: 68/90
Breakdown:

Spoiler:

Bay Alexison
Spelling and Grammar: 8
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 7
Relevance to Prompt: 8
Total: 23

Spoiler:

Spelling and Grammar- 8
I noticed a couple spelling mistakes, like "beginning there journey's today" (supposed to be "beginning their journey today" and "aqu" (supposed to be "acquire") at the end. I also spotted a couple times where when using quotation marks you had a comma after instead of before. There had been one or two awkward sentences also.

Plot, Characterization, and Description – 7
I want to first mention "Solaceon Redneck Pokemon Tournament" sounds strange, haha.

The overall idea I like and premise not hard to follow, son of a farmer wants to go to pursue art and prove to his father through a tournament. I think the beginning started out slow and the plot didn't really start until the mention of the tournament. I do like the ending, though.

You mentioned often how Keith is the "black sheep" but that he's good at drawing. For instance, you could do a scene where Keith was made fun of and right after he draws. While drawing, someone notices and praises his art. I also think Keith's training with the Pokemon could benefit a scene or two to get a feel of their interactions.

Relevance to Prompt – 8
The idea where Keith works with the Pokemon is a good one. What hurts a bit, though, is there could be more detail with their training and one of the battles, as mentioned.

bobandbill
Spelling and Grammar: 7
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 6
Relevance to Prompt: 8
Total: 21

Spoiler:

This was a cute story with a nice ending. :) I enjoyed it, as well as some of the novel ideas in it (Pokemon wrestling tournaments involving the kids in the fight? Heck yeah!) It was neat to see him work as a team with his Pokemon in training as well.

One improvement I feel that could have been made is to put in more content. For instance, you built up nicely to the tournament and got me interested in how it would progress, but there was only one (admittedly longer) paragraph about the fights, and the semi-final was missing. The battles are usually the most intense and active parts of a Pokemon fix, so to see one battle summarised in a few sentences and the rest compared to it was a let down. Similarly I felt that the part about him obtaining his first Pokemon was rather quickly done, and the skip between the end of the first day of the tournament and him healing up was somewhat abrupt. Extending these would have also helped show more relevance to the prompt (that is, showing his Pokemon working together with him as a team in the battles, not just in the training sessions). If you do edits I suggest extending those out, and you'll likely have a better story as a result

There were a few grammatical errors here and there:

His father said he had a surprise for Keith. Mr. Halloway did not do things in secret, so Keith knew this must be a big event that was planned.

It does read a bit oddly when you could call a surprise a secret.

"That's ok dad, you know what I want to become when I grow up!"

okay rather than ok.

They had 6 months to train and he was starting a late as everyone else started a week after last year's competition.

Generally you write out numbers less than 100 (some say ten), so six over 6. Also, 'starting a late' seems to be a typo.

As for the name, they thought Team Boom or Bust was appropriate.

This seemed an odd detail to throw in to me, I confess.

"You did good son."

Add in a comma before 'son' as he's addressing him by a name there.

"I have thought about that, and have decided that the best course of action would be to aqu more Pokémon.

acquire.

A bit rough around the edges, but it was enjoyable all the same. Good work!

Nolafus
Spelling and Grammar: 7
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 7
Relevance to Prompt: 10
Total: 24

Spoiler:

This story really could have used a good proofread. I understand there was a deadline to reach, so it's understandable, but there were several small mistakes spread throughout.

I felt like you tried to squeeze in too much story. It felt rushed, and the story as a whole would have felt a lot more immersive if you took the last section with the tournament and worked on expanding with that. You have to be extremely picky about what goes into a short story, and that's what makes them so tricky. This would have made a pretty good chaptered fic, but unfortunately there was too much to get through for a short story.

That being said, you stuck to the prompt very well. Teamwork took center stage, and was the tool necessary to get through the climax of the story. That part was handled well.

Overall, there was just too much to get across to the reader, but you did a very good job of sticking with the prompt.

Sixth Place

doge - Date Aides
Score: 78/90
Breakdown:

Spoiler:

Bay Alexison
Spelling and Grammar: 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 8
Relevance to Prompt: 9
Total: 26

Spoiler:

Spelling and grammar – 9
Noticed a few instances where when punctuating dialogue you have a period instead of comma and pronouns capitalized when they shouldn't. For instance:

"A little push? You practically shoved her into his crotch." He whispered back.

Correct punctuation: "A little push? You practically shoved her into his crotch," he whispered back.

Otherwise, everything else seems fine!

Characterization, Plot, and Description- 8
Short but sweet simple story of friends double dating that I enjoyed very much. I feel you could maybe have at the beginning have Greg's daughter mentioned/appeared as at the end I was like, "where is his daughter?" Since this seems more in Warren's POV, perhaps it would also be neat if we know more of Warren's thoughts on his friend getting back in the dating scene while being a single parent. For instance, maybe Warren is worried it's been a while since Greg dated.

Relevance to Prompt- 9
This feels more like a subtle take on the prompt, but I think this works fine and is a nice change!

bobandbill
Spelling and Grammar: 7
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 9
Relevance to Prompt: 8
Total: 24

Spoiler:

Short but sweet. I liked the ending in particular, haha. Should have been more forceful about the offer of dropping them off! The characters were decently portrayed and acted realistically, and the beginning introduced the situation along with the two characters pretty nicely.

There wasn't quite as much involvement with the prompt as some other entries had, I felt. It certainly addressed it and overall it worked, but some more towards it would have been appreciated.

There were a few errors, but most were toward the minor side.

"Uhh… just give me five minutes!" A voice shouted out from behind the bathroom door.

'a' rather than 'A', as this whole line is one sentence and hence the first word following the dialogue shouldn't be capitalised unless it is a proper noun (like someone's name). So for instance, here:

"I know what you mean," He laughed.

'He' should become 'he'. There was at least another case of this sort of error as well.

He turned to face her, as she pulled back.

I feel that it reads better without the comma.

Chuckling at her own ridiculousness, she eyed Greg with a much more keener interest than before, "You're a single parent too?

I would replace this comma with a full stop, also in the interest of pacing.

"Well, that's ok." She giggled.

okay, rather than just 'ok'. (OK in capitals is fine however).

Neat tale overall!

Nolafus
Spelling and Grammar: 10
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 9
Relevance to Prompt: 9
Total: 28

Spoiler:

The story worked for the most part, but I wish the characters played off of each other a bit more. At some points during the date, it felt like Greg and Briana were only there to force that teamwork aspect into the prompt. Don't get me wrong, the story works, but there's a certain lack of chemistry between the characters thats making the interactions not pop out like I feel like they should.

Speaking of teamwork, I feel like the concept itself doesn't support that idea as well as other ideas do, but I was surprised how much it still tied in. Teamwork isn't normally something that takes center stage in a double date scenario, so it was intersting to see you work it in and still keep the characters real. They work, somehow, and it made for a pretty good read because of it.

Fourth Place (Tie)

Bardothren - Hearts as Blue as the Sky
Score: 79/90
Breakdown:

Spoiler:

Bay Alexison
Spelling and Grammar: 10
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 8
Relevance to Prompt: 8
Total: 26

Spoiler:

Spelling and Grammar – 10
Don't see any glaring spelling and grammar mistakes there!

Characterization, Plot, and Description -8
I like Tym'ir and Lorende from Through the Scope, so it's nice to see them again! While this works fine as an extra for your story's universe, I feel though some readers might be a bit confused if they haven't read Through the Scope (and maybe it's sequel too) and thought this piece might feel incomplete.

I think you described the actions and setting nicely, but the emotions could use a bit more work. One example is at the end when the phrase "heart as blue as the sky" was mentioned and Lorende (assuming this was in her POV) could reflect how it's relevant to what is going on now.

Relevance to Prompt -8
I feel this is more of a little moment between Tym'ir and Lorende instead of them actively working together. There are mentions of them helping Keith, but that is more from behind the scenes.

bobandbill
Spelling and Grammar: 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 8
Relevance to Prompt: 8
Total: 25

Spoiler:

Overall I enjoyed the interactions between the two Psychic Pokemon, and the way they worked together together. I feel that their personalities and interactions was the better part of the story, and the description was solid as well.

You had commented that it was part of your current work but that it isn't a chapter of it. I did pick up who was who, the general situation, and so forth, but I did also feel that it still read rather like part of your story rather than something that truly stands alone. It feels that it follows on for something and leads to something, and hence in that regard feels 'unfinished'. It's a decent segment of story, but it doesn't give me a satisfying conclusion or resolution to something - I just see the two characters progress on their journey and find (an elaborate and impressive) shelter and plan their next steps. It's a good character study piece, certainly, but that and a few details that didn't come off as easy for me to take into its stride (like a large pile of gold bars set aside like that) is why I gave it a lower mark on the plot aspect.

Couple things I noticed:

Ty'mir reached up with his cane, tapping around the ceiling until his cane encountered a small hole. He shoved his cane up into the hole, pressing a button at the end.

You repeated the phrase 'his cane' a few times here, which got repetitive.

phantasmagoria

Good vocabulary!

Lorende pressed the button, and a slab of rock slid into the floor.

I'm not sure if you need the comma here - it reads better pace-wise without it to me.

Overall a nice entry. I'm still surprised at the speed of your entry as well. o_o

Nolafus
Spelling and Grammar: 10
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 9
Relevance to Prompt: 9
Total: 28

Spoiler:

Very strong overall, but I felt like some ideas were expanded upon that didn't necessarily need to be focused on. The food comes to mind first, but I understand that this is a part of a larger story overall, so that in and of itself is generally going to create a few issues. You did a good job getting the basics down, creating a story that leads somewhere, yet ends at a good stopping point, so it's not a big issue or anything, but I did feel like there was some wasted space in there.

As far as the relevance to prompt is concerned, I felt like it wasn't as expanded upon as much as it could have. The beginning is very interesting, seeing how the two work together to navigate around, but it trails off at the end. By the end, I feel like teamwork wasn't the focus anymore, but it was still there in the background, so not a big problem either.

I really liked this story. It kept my interest throughout, and even though it's part of a larger story, wraps itself up nicely.

Fourth Place (Tie)

Delirious Absol - Rivers and Waterfalls
Score: 79/90
Breakdown:

Spoiler:

Bay Alexison
Spelling and Grammar: 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 8
Relevance to Prompt: 10
Total: 27

Spoiler:

Spelling and Grammar – 9
Notice some instances where you have dialogue you have "He said" instead of "he said". Otherwise, everything else seems fine!

Characterization, Plot, and Description -8
This is a fun premise that's not hard to follow (several Pokemon in a competition only for them to work together). While having several characters are expected for this prompt, I did get lost a little trying to keep track all of them.

Relevance to Prompt -10
All the characters learning to work together fits this prompt well and the ending is satisfying!

bobandbill
Spelling and Grammar: 7
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 8
Relevance to Prompt: 10
Total: 25

Spoiler:

The story addressed the prompt well. The reveal at the end was a bit predictable, but even so I enjoyed the action and mad rescue attempt from the group of characters. TSaid charactiersation and their interactions was probably my favourite part of the story, although the number of characters did become hard to manage at times with the number of characters saying stuff (especially at the start of the rescue attempt). While I'm not personally familiar with the MD games and the characters you mentioned they were easy to get a handle of and I didn't feel like I was missing out on anything there (especially as characters you mentioned were only referenced anyway). At any rate, it was a great choice for the prompt. =)

I also appreciated the humour used every so often, e.g.:

"What's a hawk?" Mushu squeaked.

Jimmy blinked and cleared his throat. "Erm... it's another name for a – erm... Talonflame."

Got a laugh from me!

The description was solid when used. You did well to incorporate more with the dialogue so we have more of a sense of what the characters are doing while talking, but a bit more to better help us distinguish which character was what Pokemon would be something to consider.
A short selection of quotes:

He stood with his paws crossed over his chest fixing the Snivy with what he hoped was an intimidating glare (and given Mushu's volatile personality, it actually worked).

The bracketed part felt a bit like an author note interjection, and perhaps could be written better inserted into the story in a smoother manner.

"You're an Oshawott," Gil told her.

"Yes. And allegedly, so's Rexi." She nodded at the Tyranitar.

This confused me - it sounds like she's saying Rexi the Tyranitar is also an Oshawott, rather than something that can swim. If it is this way, then... well, colour me confused.

"Be careful!" She called out.

Here you'd want to use a lowercase s for 'she', as 'She called out' is part of the full sentence here. Similarly:

"What was that?" Asked Shuu.

Asked should be 'asked'. You did it correctly some other times however.

Solid effort here - well done!

Nolafus
Spelling and Grammar: 10
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 7
Relevance to Prompt: 10
Total: 27

Spoiler:

My main issue with that was that the characters took a long time to get anything done. When someone falls into a river, normally people are scrambling to get them, but when the characters were arguing about what to do, it lost the tension that was supposed to be there. Speaking of characters, I do like the personality you gave each one, but there were too many to keep track of. I found myself forgetting who was who, and I had to backtrack a few times to remind myself who was talking.

That being said, you kept to the prompt extremely well. There were hardly any mistakes, if any at all, regarding grammar and spelling. I could visualize what was happening well, and I like your interpretation of some of the pokemon moves. I liked the story for the most part, but a more streamlined plot and fewer characters would have helped get the point home stronger.

Third Place

Elite Overlord LeSabre™ - So You Want to Be a Team Leader
Score: 82/90
Breakdown:

Spoiler:

Bay Alexison
Spelling and Grammar: 10
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 8
Relevance to Prompt: 10
Total: 28

Spoiler:

Spelling and Grammar – 10
Don't see any glaring spelling and grammar mistakes there!

Characterization, Plot, and Description -8
Fictional guides can be fun reads sometimes and I particularly enjoyed this one! There are some stuff you brought up well, like the sections concerning chains and passwords. Other stuff, though, like guns and more diversity in Pokemon, I've seen being critiqued in discussions and fics before. When I got to the part of disguises, I can't help but think that section is an excellent opportunity to mention Petrel from the HG/SS games.

I'll admit judging this in terms of characterization and plot a bit hard. There are not much of those in the traditional sense. I still think this is pretty creative, though, and serves its purpose.

Relevance to Prompt -10
I quite like the different twist for this prompt and I think you executed it well! One part I love in particular is the mention of ORAS's 1 vs 5 battle system. Such a shame it wasn't used that often and yeah could be benefited from being more challenging.

bobandbill
Spelling and Grammar: 8
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 8
Relevance to Prompt: 9
Total: 25

Spoiler:

An interesting take on the prompt, haha. I enjoyed this guide overall and will be sure to keep it in mind if I ever start an evil organisation. It was easy to follow for the most part and was pretty concise. At times some points made could have been more to-the-point but that's a minor nitpick.

The section about taking advantage of the annoying friend did feel a bit disjointed from the main theme. It was inserted to point out the annoying-ness of the rivals in the games (and also slip in a reference to a certain character, I notice), but it felt rather long-winded and could be more concise and less broad, I feel (say more of a focus on targeting the bigger threat). he reference also feels a bit out of place, and I feel would easily go over people's head who don't get it, while not being too smoothly inserted to feel like a 'natural' part of the story.
I did like the other uses of humour, though here:

you will want to take cues from groups like Team Plasma and Team Flare – as well as other cult leaders like Jim Jones and David Koresh.

I'm afraid that joke flew over my head, as I don't know of these people. =(

But, remember the basic piece of advice given to all trainers when they start out

I don' feel this comma is necessary. The sentence reads just fine without it.

The 5 vs. 1 idea works, but don't be stupid about it. Arm each of the five with six Pokemon each

five vs. one, given you then wrote out the numbers five and six.

Your chief adversary is likely a lone wolf who doesn't battle or cooperate alongside others. Which brings us to our next point.

These two sentences sounded a bit disjointed from the whole paragraph and each other. Maybe consider tweaking it so it flows better.

Nice work all over!

Nolafus
Spelling and Grammar: 10
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 9
Relevance to Prompt: 10
Total: 29

Spoiler:

My only issue with this was that is assumed that the reader already knows what happens to all of the villanous teams in the pokemon universe. I haven't played all of the games, so there were a couple references I didn't get and wanted a little backstory to really get the point.

Other than that, I really enjoyed this. It might not be a story, but I thought it was very well written with the right amount of snark to keep the reader entertained. I laughed a few times while reading this, and there's not much I can critique. I'll be sure to recommend this to anyone planning on starting their own team (or cult, if you prefer).

Second Place

Retro Bug - Untitled
Score: 83/90
Breakdown:

Spoiler:

Bay Alexison
Spelling and Grammar: 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 9
Relevance to Prompt: 10
Total: 28

Spoiler:

Spelling and Grammar- 9
I noticed one instance where you forgot a period and some run-on sentences, otherwise don't see too many mistakes!

Characterization, Plot, and Description- 9

The story started off with a lot of promise. Like the worldbuilding with the magic stuff and the action is fast paced and fun. Seiban and Kalla I think are pretty neat! I'll have to agree with Nolafus on the bullets part, however. I was a little disappointed all of this was simulation, haha, but the ending is very cute.

Relevance to Prompt- 10
Sebian and Kalla worked well together for the short time they were featured!

bobandbill
Spelling and Grammar: 7
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 9
Relevance to Prompt: 10
Total: 26

Spoiler:

This was an intriguing tale. There was a nice amount of action and detail here, and combining a fight between soldiers with guns, and those with magical powers made for an entertaining scenario. How the two girls worked together and the relevation they were all working together, just training against each other was a nice way to tie into the prompt as well, and I feel you used that quite well. I also liked that you hinted towards the ending reveal with one of the soldiers almost calling Sieben by her name. And on that note, the characters well decently established given the situation and seemed to interact pretty realistically as well.

I'm not sure that I can really buy that they trained with real bullets, but maybe I'm not a general. =p

There were some errors here and there. The biggest error appeared to be a tendency to create run-on sentences.

She eyed two soldiers and their eyes met hers forcing Sieben to go back behind her sole source of protection as the sound of bullets impacting intensified.

This sentence was a run-on. I advise creating some pauses (e.g. inserting a comma after 'hers').

Hastily, Sieben pulled herself back behind the slab of concrete and out of the visible line of fire.

She had already retreated behind it in that previous line I quoted.

A sudden feeling of pressure on her shoulder caused Sieben to react without thought one of her charged hands aimed at what she thought was the enemy

This also was a run-on sentence (and there were a couple other cases as well). Here you could consider splitting it into two sentences around '...without thought/one of her charged...'.

She turned her head to the side and through her tight curls of hair saw Kalla teleporting in and out of sight, confusing the ever-loving muk out of the scrawny soldier that was whirling around in a circle with his gun raised.

He had been described earlier as having broad shoulders and being a 'brute soldier', which makes this description of scrawny seem like a contradiction. If you were referring to another soldier (which I think may be the case), it read a bit abruptly.

When Kalla was insight

in sight.

someone's pants were a little too small in length Honestly,

Missing full-stop. (Also this is an amusing bit to quote without context, haha).

Nice tale overall. Work on those run-on sentences is my main piece of advice.

Nolafus
Spelling and Grammar: 10
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 9
Relevance to Prompt: 10
Total: 29

Spoiler:

The one qualm I have is that I don't understand how no one is supposed to die, yet they're using real bullets. It doesn't make sense to me.

Anyway, I thought this was a really good story. You can feel the bond between the main character and her crush, which is a good thing considering that's what the story plays off of. It's risky hinging all of that tension and reader interest on one relationship, but you pull it off, and let their relationship take center stage. Since they do have that chemistry, teamwork naturally falls into the story, and you did a very nice job integrating that into the plot without having a story that absolutely needs teamwork to do anything. They work together, and it doesn't feel forced at all. A very nice read for sure.

FIRST Place

Aisu - Together
Score: 86/90
Breakdown:

Spoiler:

Bay Alexison
Spelling and Grammar: 10
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 9
Relevance to Prompt: 10
Total: 29

Spoiler:

Spelling and Grammar-10
I noticed a couple of typos, like race instead of face, but they're very minor. Otherwise I don't see too many mistakes!

Characterization, Plot, and Description -9
This is a cool premise, two brothers getting vengeance on Celebi. Their interactions are fun. I like that the flashbacks give a little more backstory and the brother's relationship developed well. A part of me however wonders why Al was able to see Celebi years ago, why the legendaries were running wild and why Celebi didn't save Al and his family when that happened. (though last two is probably Mewtwo now I think about it).

Relevance to Prompt- 10
The brothers fighting together I feel fits the prompt well!

bobandbill
Spelling and Grammar: 8
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 9
Relevance to Prompt: 10
Total: 27

Spoiler:

This was a really enjoyable story. The writing was top-notch and the characters combined well to fit that prompt. While I felt the ending conclusion of the two brothers getting on together was not surprising, I can't fault the story much otherwise. The flashbacks were well integrated into the scenes, the two characters were great with their interactions, and the description was great from the get-go. I also liked the earlier foreshadowing or allusion to their mother's death int he beginning by mentioning her and the scentless sheets.

It does feel that there's more to tell about the two boys, as you mentioned in the author note in the submission PM, but otherwise the story was pretty self-contained. I do suggest considering writing more, as I would like to read that. :)

There are a couple of other remarks, some relating to grammar:

"Alright, I got it Jameson—stop already!" he snapped.

You could add in a comma before 'Jameson', as he's addressing him by name.

"You, you know, off Legendaries because they've taken everything from us, right?"

The first bit is a bit confusing here - I don't feel that comma should be there, and I feel you mean of rather than off.

"Gumption…where did you even get that from?"

You can use a space between the ellipsis and 'where'.

Arceus, Al thought, throwing his hands up in exasperation.

Minor suggestion - thoughts will be more apparent that they are thoughts if you use ' around them, or say put them in italics. But that is optional and down to style.

Al sighed; time paradoxes were strange, i.e. how he still remembered Celebi when there wasn't anything left of its existence.

'I.e.' seems odd to use in a story personally, so I would suggest replacing with full words or rewording (for example, '...were strange, particularly how he...').

Well done with a great entry!

Nolafus
Spelling and Grammar: 10
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 10
Relevance to Prompt: 10
Total: 30

Spoiler:

This doesn't have a happy ending, so I automatically like it.

On a more serious note, I thought this was a very good story. The backstory was a good one, and you played the family aspect well to have the two work together towards their goal that's pretty morally questioning. You get the point across with the scene, and move right along to the next one. It's a really good read that kept my attention. It was a little long, but I hardly noticed that while I was reading. You got a lot of story in there, and there's honestly not much I can critique about it and it's personally my favorite.