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Hey, don't worry! I guess life essentials are hard to secure in the land of Everything Trying to Kill You (aka "Earth 1.0 apocalypse testground")... so yeah :p
If you guys keep posting in this thread, I'm going to have to invest in a portable defibrillator. The number of times today I thought that the results were in...
Hey guys, so great news! Gimmepie had sent in his scores earlier today, and I already complied all the scores in an Excel sheet and got an idea of the placings. I need to prepare the posting of the results though, so give me a few hours at least. SOON.
And here are the results! Some very nice entries this time around. So bobandbill and I added some comments while gimmepie only gave us his scores but he said he might do comments next time. Very close contest, especially from 7th to 3rd place, haha. Congrats to everyone that participated!
(Also forgot that there was a scheduled downtime earlier. Since I'm posting this late there are probably still a lot of mistakes I did, yup).
(13th Place) Ċorazòn - Squirtle and the Blue Flower
TOTAL OVERALL: 32
Bay's scores
Spelling and Grammar - 6
Characterization, Plot, and Description - 5
Relevance to Prompt – 4
Total- 15
Spoiler:
What I can tell is this is little piece of Squirtle meeting up with its trainer, which is cute. While some of the description is nice, I don't really sense any nostalgia here except perhaps Squirtle being in the original games. For the most part the story was dedicated to Squirtle's crush. One way you can fit the prompt better is if the trainer reminds the Pokemon of another trainer it had met before.
With spelling and grammar, this is where it needs a lot of work. There were a lot of run-on sentences, so some parts were hard to follow. There's also the way you have dialogue with brackets instead of quotations (Mainly Miranda's lines). For instance, « Erika of the Grass type will be our first challenge and the first step of our long adventure that await us, Squirtle!! your name now is Donatello »,should be:
"Erika of the Grass type will be our first challenge and the first step of our long adventure that await us, Squirtle!! your name now is Donatello."
In short with the grammar, I suggest setting it aside a day or two and then reread your work for any mistakes. Also a good opportunity to rework some of the description and such.
bobandbill's scores
Spelling and Grammar: 3
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 4
Relevance to Prompt: 2
Total: 9
Spoiler:
This entry could have used some more time on it imo, as it wasn't easy to read. Firstly, there was no spacing, when there should ideally be a line of spacing between each paragraph for any work read online. Secondly, there was a lack of full stops used, as you had extremely long sentences. The first sentence went for some 141 words, which is a lot to take in! Then there were some simple typos here and there, but mostly it came down to the grammar and run-on sentences being the main issue, along with the spacing.
While the description was certainly fine, and you did give a clear impression of how taken Squirtle was, not much happened in the story as well. A Squirtle met a woman, she seemed nice, she became her trainer, they battle a bug catcher, and that was it. It didn't really address the prompt too well, and there was no major conflict nor resolution.
Points for the nickname of Donatello though.
Gimmepie's scores
Spelling and Grammar: 4
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 3
Relevance to Prompt: 1
Total: 8
(12th Place) Chr. Draco - History repeats itself, one of many battles
TOTAL OVERALL: 44
Bay's scores
Spelling and Grammar - 7
Characterization, Plot, and Description - 6
Relevance to Prompt - 5
Total- 18
Spoiler:
So, I thought this would perhaps be a story about a tournament but then there were a lot of exposition concerning Lucas's journey, so that's a lot to take into. The summary of how the tournaments are done in the beginning was a lot of info dump too, so I think you could have spread the information about that instead.
You have some mentions of Lucas being nostalgic over his journey, but I feel you can show it more than outright state it. One way is Lucas talking to Arcanine the time they encountered Team Rocket (though aren't Team Rocket in Kanto/Sevii Islands and not Hoenn? ) and have a flashback scene there.
With grammar, I noticed you had "theme Rocket" instead of Team Rocket. Also seems you kept switching tenses. First it was present in the beginning and then mostly past in the second half.
bobandbill's scores
Spelling and Grammar: 7
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 4
Relevance to Prompt: 4
Total: 15
Spoiler:
I feel that the ideas within the competition were neat (mazes and trainers fighting each other while exploring it for instance! That seems quite cool). However, giving a description of a large chunk of the competition at the very beginning did somewhat overwhelm me, so it may have been better to introduce each part of the competition as it happened, rather than all at once.
It also may have helped to build more on the nostalgia theme. While you did have the trainer and Pokemon reflect on past adventures, that didn't really serve in the events. That could have been one way to integrate the rules of the competition better for instance – have the trainer explain to his Pokemon about the competition while they talk about their previous experiences. Then we can get a better feeling for their powers.
Generally giving a trainer a shiny legendary doesn't add much to the story, and it not even appearing made it seem like a needless feature to make the trainer seem better. While telepathic powers with his main Pokemon is an interesting point, it didn't get used much save for the conversation as well – they didn't use it to overcome opponents in battle, for instance. It seems like a missed opportunity, is all.
While you had some nice ideas, overall there was more that could have been done to really integrate the prompt into the tale.
Gimmepie's scores
Spelling and Grammar: 6
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 3
Relevance to Prompt: 2
Total: 11
(11th Place) CyborgHD - Untitled
TOTAL OVERALL: 46
Bay's scores
Spelling and Grammar - 7
Characterization, Plot, and Description - 6
Relevance to Prompt - 5
Total- 18
Spoiler:
Hm, I can see where you're going with this prompt, trying to reminiscent what happened in the anime as mention. However, one thing to keep in mind is this journey start has been done so many times that it doesn't stand out. Besides that, the pacing is all over the place. For instance, this takes place in Lumiose City right? You have the opportunity to set up a setting there. You can have Jake bumped into several Pokemon and people while running, maybe have him smell the food and hear people from vendors shouting too, and then him out of breath when he reached Sycamore's lab. Last thing I want to mention is how it ended. You have Pikachu healed in the Pokemon Center (that's the correct term, haha), and then it ended there and you summarized the two being the best duo, which I don't get since their journey only started.
One way I can see this being relate more to the nostalgic prompt is perhaps have the trainer remember their first meeting with Pikachu. You got their meeting there, but in the beginning you can do a scene like the narrator telling someone else how they started their journey. The meeting can then be treated as one long flashback.
Grammar wise, while stuff like tenses and spelling seems to be fine, it's the way you formatted the dialogue. Whenever someone else speaks you do a new paragraph.
bobandbill's scores
Spelling and Grammar: 6
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 5
Relevance to Prompt: 5
Total: 16
Spoiler:
I suppose it's a unique take on the prompt itself to have your own spin on the first episode of the anime. However, my complaint is that it was too similar. There is a trend in fanfiction to have a character wake up too late and get a different Pokemon to the norm, and following the 'Pikachu mistrusts trainer, wild Pokemon attacks, trainer takes Pikachu to the Centre, it trusts trainer more now' plot is also something too repetitive. In short, while the idea is alright, it may need something else to help it stick out more from the original episode.
A bit more on the writing itself later, but first some quotes:
He watched lots of TV, seeing various promotions, where experienced, and beloved, trainers were featured. He loved seeing Pokemon trainers, and he always dreamed of becoming a trainer himself -- The best there ever was! He always used the catchphrase "Gotta catch em' all!" whenever he faced tough situations
This didn't happen much, but note that each sentence here started with 'He', which can be repetitive when it happens in 3/3 sentences. Easy to fix, but a minor thing that can easily happen.
There were 3 Pokemon to choose from:
1. Charizard
2. Bulbasaur
3. Squirtle
Static is the ability – I think you mean something like Thundershock.
But here's the other main comment I wanted to make, and that is that the story would be better if you used something called 'show, don't tell' more. Here you tell us that Pikachu is hesitant, and that Pidgeotto was weakened, which is telling us facts. However, if you were to describe these actions – say Pikachu takes a deep breathe first, or the Pidgeotto gives out a cry of pain and stumbles about after suffering the attack, then the reader can work out that Pikachu hesitates/Pidgeotto was weakened, and get more description at the same time. This usually results in a more interesting story to read, as with the more showing of details that tell us the fact, it's easier to visualise exactly what's happening for the reader.
One last thing:
"I'll get a doctor right away sir!" The front desk lady said.
What follows the dialogue refers directly to the dialogue, and so doesn't work as its own sentence. ("The front desk lady said." doesn't make sense by itself). Hence you want to use a lower case 'the' there. Likewise:
"I'll restore this Pikachu's health right away!" The doctor promised.
Overall, the idea certainly wasn't bad – just that the execution could use some more polish and the rewrite of the first episode could have used something more to truly set it apart from the anime.
Gimmepie's scores
Spelling and Grammar: 7
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 2
Relevance to Prompt: 3
Total: 12
(10th Place) OuterTsuchinoko - Untitled
TOTAL OVERALL: 54
Bay's scores
Spelling and Grammar - 8
Characterization, Plot, and Description - 7
Relevance to Prompt - 7
Total- 22
Spoiler:
While I like the description and set up you have there, at first I was somewhat skeptical as it seems to be pretty much a retelling, but then I actually really like the twist there with the shiny hunting. Even though I don't do shiny hunting much, I do remember playing Gold and seeing Ho-Oh the first time was an absolute treat.
The is enjoyable overall and I'm sure folks can relate to putting many hours into shiny hunting. However, this is more to me Matt in the present and coming home triumph instead of him reflecting. I can see where you're going with Matt's perspective on seeing Ho-Oh, but it felt more like, "okay I've seen this Ho-Oh the hundredth time already, let's reset" instead of him missing the experience of going against Ho-Oh (for instace, say him putting many hours into Gold and then playing HeartGold).
I'll also admit I got lost which parts are when you're in the game and which ones where you're Matt since in some of Matt's parts you used the "I" pronoun. Perhaps Matt's parts being italicized might work better? Besides that, you switched tenses both parts. I thought you would have the game parts past tense and Matt's parts present tense. However, the very ending you have past tense.
Besides tenses, one other grammar thing I want to point out is Matt and his sister's dialogue were hard to follow when in the same paragraph. While I've seen that kind of writing style before in other works, I prefer if the dialogue were separated in paragraphs whenever a new person speaks.
bobandbill's scores
Spelling and Grammar: 6
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 5
Relevance to Prompt: 5
Total: 16
Spoiler:
A word of advice to begin with - it's best to structure stories posted online with a line of spacing between each paragraph, as it's easier on the eye. Meanwhile, the lack of formatting around dialogue threw me off. Paragraphing rules state that when someone else speaks you should start a separate paragraph, and use quotation marks around the dialogue. For example, this:
Loud sighs are heard back to back from Matt's room. His younger sister Alexis comes in. Hey Matt how many times has it been now huh? I just got me a shiny Union Cave Lapras after like 300 SRs heh. Don't rub it in, what you're coming in here just to mess with me, and it's been 12,050 now, Matt snaps at her.
(Note the few added commas as well, before/after the name she's addressing him by and just one before 'heh' to indicate a pause in dialogue).
The story itself was amusing. It was a neat event to choose for the SR choice, especially with the call-back to GSC days. I thought something was up when the protagonist mentioned that the event felt somewhat familiar. SRing is not something I can really get into so 12,000+ is a lot of dedication for Matt, gotta say!
Description of the scene was fine, and the atmosphere captured in the encounter was nice too. I think it met the prompt decently, although more could have been made about Matt playing the remakes of his favourite game into the story as a whole rather than it being nearly a passing detail. There also was a bit of a rushed ending feel, as it felt odd to me that he was already considering the next Pokemon to catch which imo took a bit away from the ending.
Couple other minor typos:
It was shining intensely and then the Kimono Girls get into position for their dance. They twirled, clapped and stamped their feet onto the wood pooring their hearts into the summoning of this ancient Pokemon.
The ellipsis here are all different lengths. Stick to three (…), and have a space after each one.
Overall it was a decent read. Good job with the entry!
Gimmepie's scores
Spelling and Grammar: 6
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 5
Relevance to Prompt: 5
Total: 16
(9th Place) Necrum - The Third Child
TOTAL OVERALL: 61 (late submission)
Bay's scores
Spelling and Grammar - 10
Characterization, Plot, and Description - 8
Relevance to Prompt - 9
Total- 27
(-5 for late submission)
Spoiler:
I'm familiar with your horror stories and writing style, but I admit to needing to give this a couple readthroughs because I got confused with who the pronouns "Old Man", "Man", and "Boy", etc. are referring to. I then realize the Old Man is reminiscing his adventures and hence using those pronouns. At least, that's what I'm assuming (if I'm wrong, let me know haha). Interesting you have the ending with him dead too.
Grammar and such I don't see any problems. I notice at the end you have "the Man dies with a smile on his face" but I think you did that on purpose for dramatic effect.
bobandbill's scores
Spelling and Grammar: 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 7
Relevance to Prompt: 8
Total: 24 -5 for late submission
Spoiler:
This was an unusual take, and certainly an interesting one. I liked in the end the choice of referring to the characters as The Old Man, etc. It was a bit hard to follow at moments, but I think I worked it out. It was however a bit too disjointed for my tastes, as having to stop and reconsider what each bit meant quite so often did affect the pacing of the story for myself.
The prompt was certainly dealt with, given the story was about the pieces of his life (and also that poor unchosen Pokemon). I have little complaints with the writing style itself – description was nice. Maybe a bit more characterisation could have been shown in the flashbacks, e.g. the one reflecting on the two rivals.
Blood and oxygen were no longer flowing to his brain, and so it began the task of putting his past in order; All the pieces of the puzzle that belong to the Old Man.
There's no need to capitalise the first word after a semi-colon. It isn't a new sentence due to it, so hence it should be all in lowercase.
Gimmepie's scores
Spelling and Grammar: 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 7
Relevance to Prompt: 9
Total: 20 (-5 for late submission)
(8th Place)Forever - Untitled
TOTAL OVERALL: 64
Bay's scores
Spelling and Grammar - 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description - 7
Relevance to Prompt - 8
Total- 24
Spoiler:
Very interesting to have Hilda start out her journey thanks to Pokemon Go. That's some app, huh lol. I do admit to being confused at first, but after another readthrough I get the Lapras doll is the Lapras is the Pokemon she caught and I can tell many folks, whether long time fans or ones getting back, feel this way, so this works nicely for this prompt. While Hilda did mention she's not actually a writer, the first and last couple paragraphs did annoy me a bit where she's like, "this happened, wait no this happened, nah kidding again" and I was like get to the point already (sorry for the bluntness there). So yeah, I do agree on the rambling on some parts
Grammar and other mechanics I don't see any that's standing out except one or two instance one sentence should split into two as bobandbill said.
bobandbill's scores
Spelling and Grammar: 8
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 4
Relevance to Prompt: 6
Total: 18
Spoiler:
I think it played on the nostalgia theme pretty well here, and using a time-relevant release of Go was a nifty idea! It's certainly been true that I've noticed all sorts of people playing the game. Playing on high school politics (urgh @ that being a thing) was a good idea too.
I feel the main weakness of this story is that it was too disjointed and rambly. This was to an unnamed person, and seemed to jump all over the place. Towards the end in particular you made some odd changes, saying there was no plushie, then made a joke about being pregnant (?) which was more confusing than amusing for myself. The plushie and singing had been odd, and then to find out it was just that the character caught a Lapras and felt nostalgic made me wonder why you didn't just have it like that – less mysterious, maybe, but more realistic and hence probably easier to relate to the narrator.
I had to listen to the breeze, I mean I at least had to try.
This stuck out as a rather tangential remark within the story… haha.
Neat idea overall. I just felt it was lacking in polish.
Gimmepie's scores
Spelling and Grammar: 8
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 5
Relevance to Prompt: 9
Total: 22
(7th Place) Aisu - The One That Drags Me
TOTAL OVERALL:73
Bay's scores
Spelling and Grammar - 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description - 9
Relevance to Prompt - 8
Total- 26
Spoiler:
Even though legendaries in human form has been done loads before (and I'm sure you're aware of that lol), it's fun to see them bickering about the evil teams and the other legendaries heh. I love it. Nice subtle reference to Sun and Moon already as well. Looks like Kalos has been left out since all the other regions, even Alola, has been mentioned, but that's minor.
So, I knocked out a couple points on the relevance to prompt. I feel they were moreso trying to remember what happened the past several years instead of them reminiscing one point in time (or a few). A lot of the stuff they point out, or least the impression I'm getting from, they weren't active participants except with Cyrus, which would have been perfect for them to discuss in length. I can see though why you left it vague as it would give away the twist.
Grammar and the other technical stuff seems fine to me saved for a couple things. Bobandbill mentioned the inconsistencies with the spelling of the Pokemon and one tense mistake (touch/toched).
bobandbill's scores
Spelling and Grammar: 8
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 8
Relevance to Prompt: 9
Total: 25
Spoiler:
This was an intriguing idea, and one that had a nice twist that you foreshadowed well. I felt that there was something coming given the topics the two were discussing and in particular the repetition of this phrase "Pokemon Trainer":
"Team Aqua attempted to drown the world with Kyogre," I supply, "to be stopped by Pokémon Trainer Brendan. Soon afterwards, Team Magma attempted to dry out the lands with Groudon, to be stopped by Pokémon Trainer May."
Also the remark about the Distortion World helped, so nice work there.
It was a neat way to explore the previous games, although I was a bit lost on the situation to be honest – of them sitting in this farmland that fell apart waiting for I take it the new games and a new adventure (and story) to follow. It made sense for them to reminisce like that, it was just the set up that got me a bit puzzled is all.
Instead of staying here and moping about which came first, Arceus or Mew, or about when the evolutionary line ended at pidgeot, let's go see what the new world'll look like.
Curiously, why is Arceus and Mew capitalised, but 'pidgeot' is not?
Solid entry all-round, and I appreciate the Pokemon theme of it too. Well done!
Gimmepie's scores
Spelling and Grammar: 7
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 6
Relevance to Prompt: 9
Total: 22
(6th Place) Solivagant - Return to Suffering
TOTAL OVERALL:74
Bay's scores
Spelling and Grammar - 10
Characterization, Plot, and Description - 8
Relevance to Prompt - 10
Total- 28
Spoiler:
I admit, at first I thought the old man will be like one of those "You millennials and your technology" that many folks my age, including myself, tend to hate, so it was nice that at the end he ended his speech telling the girl she knows more than he does and that she'll learn a lot more later on. Even though I think his speech dragged on a bit much, this still relates to nostalgia in some way. I also agree there should be a slight more reaction from the girl there.
Grammar wise I don't really see anything that stands out.
bobandbill's scores
Spelling and Grammar: 8
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 8
Relevance to Prompt: 8
Total: 24
Spoiler:
I enjoyed this rant by this old timer, haha. It's neat to reflect on how much easier everyone else's experiences of the games are now with the various features and ability to run and whatnot. I'd say that fits the prompt pretty well – maybe not directly on 'nostalgia' but it plays a lot on the older games and the character's memories of how things were for him in the Pokemon world.
I felt she could have given more of a reaction to the end of his rant as while you emphasis how she's shocked and surprised by what he says earlier, there's little beyond a thank you when she leaves. Otherwise the writing was fine, and I didn't feel weighed down by the amount of dialogue.
"Why are you staring at me like stunned magikarps waiting for enlightenment to fall from the sky?"
I feel a singular Magikarp (as he's talking to one person) makes more sense there. Meanwhile, canonically the plural for any Pokemon name is the same word – so one Magikarp, two Magikarp. There's some other instances of this as well. A nitpick but something to consider nonetheless.
Watching all those PokéTube videos of tournament battles between elite trainers, how-to guides uploaded by washed-out trainers trying to be an online celebrity, idols and coordinators giving basic grooming tutorials like your daily Channel Five nine o'clock PokéMart advertisements, and what have you not.
I'm not sure 'what have you not' is quite right – I'd personally write it as 'what have you.'. But this was a neat example of the world building you did in your story imo, considering what happens to other 'failed' trainers.
Nice Pokemon-themed entry overall – well done!
Gimmepie's scores
Spelling and Grammar: 8
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 7
Relevance to Prompt: 7
Total: 22
(5th Place) Jaehaerys - The Sun Sets in Marseilles
TOTAL OVERALL:75
Bay's scores
Spelling and Grammar - 8
Characterization, Plot, and Description - 8
Relevance to Prompt - 10
Total- 26
Spoiler:
Nice twist to this prompt where the couple is getting a divorce but the narrator still has fond memories of their honey moon. The painting described does sound very nice. While I like the last lines there, I thought perhaps you could add a bit more reaction to the narrator, like a smile or something, to show how nostalgic he was on their wedding night. Perhaps even add his wife asking, "why you're smiling?" and maybe he's like, "nothing", haha.
Grammar I noticed you made a few mistakes on dialogue punctuation. For instance, "Don't throw that one away". She stated, beginning to rapidly fan herself once more. The comma should replace the period and the pronoun "she" not capitalized. Otherwise, nothing else that stood out. There's also one instance where you used "it's" instead of "its" as bobandbill already mentioned.
bobandbill's scores
Spelling and Grammar: 7
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 8
Relevance to Prompt: 9
Total: 24
Spoiler:
This was quite a strong entry imo. It started off well with an attention-grabbing first paragraph, and while the action was fairly low the mood and atmosphere made it great. While the ending was maybe a touch too short for my liking, it was a satisfactory conclusion. And while the entry was short you gave a lot of characterisation to the pair, as well as the attorney. Well done there!
The prompt was well addressed too, I thought, particularly with that flashback. Maybe the flashback could have ended with going back to the painting, as that was the main reason the flashback happened, but that's more of a suggestion than anything.
Her hair was straightened and sitting just below her chin making her look much more stern than she actually was.
Likewise, but here you'd actually want to use a comma and not capitalise 'She' ('…one away," she stated, …'). This is because what follows the dialogue is part of the same sentence rather than being a separate one ("She stated, beginning to rapidly fan herself once more." Doesn't work by itself as it refers to what she had 'stated'). Likewise, this:
"I don't remember you ever taking a big interest in my paintings." I scoffed back.
Should have a comma instead of a full stop after 'paintings'.
Later that night we drank what we thought was the best red wine we ever had and danced to the soft music making it's way through our open window from the beautiful five-star hotel somewhere down the street.
Gimmepie's scores
Spelling and Grammar: 7
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 8
Relevance to Prompt: 10
Total: 25
(4th Place) Venia Silente - As They Were
TOTAL OVERALL:76
Bay's scores
Spelling and Grammar - 10
Characterization, Plot, and Description - 8
Relevance to Prompt - 9
Total- 27
Spoiler:
One of the things I like most about this story is the way you describe the setting with the various senses, like the smell and sound of the train. Very nice you took advantage of that. I can see you slip in a bit of humor too (REAL FOOD ONLY), so I enjoyed that as well. Bobandbill mentioned some of the thoughts dragged on a bit and while I agree to an extent, I wasn't bothered by it that much.
While I can see you have Virizion and the Levanny reminiscing while looking at the train, I think the problem lies, at least for me, is that it's kinda confusing to track both of their thoughts at the same time. You go from Virizion thinking about the Champion and their time with the other Musketeers, then to Levanny's thoughts when the world wasn't as much as advanced before, and then Virizion's thoughts on how to approach the new Champion. I think it would be easier to focus on just Virizion's thoughts as you're on the right track (pun not intended haha) with him reflecting on their times with the Champion.
Grammar and spelling I don't see anything that stands out. Bobandbill pointed out making some sentences tighter, but when I gave this a couple readthoughs it didn't cross my mind until after I read his comment.
bobandbill's scores
Spelling and Grammar: 8
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 8
Relevance to Prompt: 9
Total: 25
Spoiler:
This was a unique tale, and a nice take on the Unova legendary trio. I liked the idea of them working with the Champion delegate for humans, and the reflection past instances and the 'time it had been' served well for incorporating the plot. I also liked the characterisation of Caolené, and the use of repetition of that phrase and the train sound was done particularly well.
My main qualm is that the story moved perhaps too slowly, particularly in the beginning. That train seemed to pass them for a great deal of time, and prior to that the walk down the slope and call to his and I feel some of the reflection could have been cut out as it did drag. I suppose it may be hard as there was not a lot of action, although points like the food pills event (heh) did help break it up. It's not so easy to pinpoint the causes for the overly slow pace, but for instance this:
Caolené buzzed uneasily; she knew that the three Legendary figures had been absent from the land for so many years but she presumed that, as some of the creatures of their class with the closest ties to humans, their leader, one of the rulers of the "Sovereignty", the territory ruled by Pokémon such as the Legendaries, would know well of the machines the humans used to travel across the land.
Could have used with some re-writing as the sentence was rather long. I think it's possible longer sentences like this contributed to the slower pace, so some trimming or splitting into shorter sentences may help out.
The one humans trusted to protect them and Pokémon trusted to teach them.
Same humans and Pokémon who now looked dumbfounded as they saw, out of the windows of their wagons, the figure of one of the 'Swords of Justice' just a couple meters away from them.
The transition here, particular with how the second sentence started, seemed awkward to me. Maybe "The very same humans and…" would help? But overall the writing was sound I felt. A nice story overall – well done.
Gimmepie's scores
Spelling and Grammar: 8
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 7
Relevance to Prompt: 9
Total: 24
(3rd Place) Jay - Home
TOTAL OVERALL:77
Bay's scores
Spelling and Grammar - 8
Characterization, Plot, and Description - 8
Relevance to Prompt – 10
Total- 26
Spoiler:
This is a bittersweet piece. I do like the setting you've set up and also the description of the various memories the protagonist has with his family. Predictable, but definitely fits the nostalgic prompt well.
In terms of grammar, it's good for the most part, just a couple minor things. I noticed you capitalized the seasons and I think usually you don't? Otherwise also noticed the sentence near the end that could use an extra word. "… produced an old model of phone." I think add an "a" after "model of" would sound better. There were some run on sentences that bobandbill pointed out.
bobandbill's scores
Spelling and Grammar: 7
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 8
Relevance to Prompt: 9
Total: 24
Spoiler:
Overall I enjoyed your entry. It did well with the repeating 'going home/time to go home' line at the start and end with the change in what that meant in the story. The description was also pretty nice – maybe a times a bit too much for my tastes and the pacing of the story was somewhat slow as a result, but that's more of a nitpick. I also feel the story was a good take on the prompt as well.
Autumn had left early this year, it was only mid October
He pushed a rusted iron gate aside and smiled, when he had set it up it had been a master craft, the pride of his work at the time, like everything however, it was to suffer from progress.
You tend to have run-on sentences in the story. Too many topics or events occur in the one sentence. Take the last case – he opens the gate and reacts, then he reflects on the past, then how it's changed. Each of those could be their own sentence, with maybe two within the same one at most.
The back garden looked rather the same as it had every Winter, if a little more overgrown.
'too' (and the same comment regarding capitalising seasons).
The marble plaque was slightly frosted over, so he softly settled on his knees and cleared away the ice. Limply moving forward a shaky hand, he dropped the flowers on the floor in front of the monument and he wept before the epitaph of his love now lost... and he wept for all the moments he'd never relive. The melancholy of his memory was a bittersweet reminder of what he had lost and what he had gained.
This was a nice moment, but I also felt that there was a bit too much telling rather than showing here, which did contribute to the somewhat slow pace of the story being maybe too slow. We can see him crying and know why, so the last sentence telling us this was a bittersweet reminder is merely repeating something we already know to not much added affect.
The saddening wave of nostalgia gained/ when one contemplated what one can never regain, can bring a smile as well as a tear.
Good job overall, and a fairly strong entry given you were also the first one to submit!
Gimmepie's scores
Spelling and Grammar: 8
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 9
Relevance to Prompt: 10
Total: 27
(2nd Place) icomeanon6 - Dad's Old Gym
TOTAL OVERALL:83
Bay's scores
Spelling and Grammar - 10
Characterization, Plot, and Description - 9
Relevance to Prompt - 10
Total- 29
Spoiler:
Oh, this has been a very enjoyable read. What seems to be Jen's nice memory of their father turns out something completely different. That must be really hurt for sure. The ending there was great with Katie able to help out and Jen deciding to rebuild the gym. Some nice worldbuilding on the other gyms too. Only minor thing I want to mention were some parts seems to be a bit of exposition/info dump that kinda breaks the flow of the narrative. Notable ones for me are Katie being a Pokedex nerd (which you later show with her conversations with Bill), the part with them leaving their Pokemon, and Marie's broken English. Otherwise I think it's a very solid story in terms of plot and characterization.
Grammar mistakes nothing really sticks out for me. Bobandbill mentions some parts where there were repetition, but they're very minor to me in the grand scheme of things.
bobandbill's scores
Spelling and Grammar: 8
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 9
Relevance to Prompt: 10
Total: 27
Spoiler:
The worldbuilding behind this story was pretty impressive. I really appreciated the idea of unofficial gyms being a thing which had their own tournaments ala the likes of Colosseum/XD. The twist was fairly decently concealed even though there was the clear hint something was up given the earlier conversation with Bill. Meanwhile, characterisation was top-notch imo – the two protagonists were great foils, and I also enjoyed the feature of Bill and the Pokemon as well (if not so much the names for them, haha).
The prompt was very well dealt with too. It was a main theme, but you also allowed it to be part of the story, not just dominate it.
The ending maybe could have been a touch less… rushed? It did seem that things came together in the last few scenes too quickly for my liking with her coming up with that financial plan overnight, even with the help of a supercomputer (Alakazam). But it was still a satisfactory one.
It would be a shame for Katie to miss something because the Stantler got startled and ran off, or worse yet got startled and hypnotized them.
Gimmepie's scores
Spelling and Grammar: 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 9
Relevance to Prompt: 9
Total: 27
(1st Place) Miz en Scène - The Rainbow Chasers
TOTAL OVERALL:86
Bay's scores
Spelling and Grammar - 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description - 10
Relevance to Prompt - 10
Total- 29
Spoiler:
I love this story a lot. The characters' interactions were fun and their stories concerning their Pokemon were bittersweet, so already does the prompt justice. However, you add in an extra plot where they go meet with Ho-Oh (hence "chasing rainbows") and I'm glad you don't have Sylveon back alive like that and have them learn to let go of the past.
Bobandbill mentions some places where a comma could be added and a couple awkward sentences, otherwise the grammatical and technical stuff were fine to me.
bobandbill's scores
Spelling and Grammar: 8
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 10
Relevance to Prompt: 10
Total: 28
Spoiler:
A beautiful tale, I have to say. That built up very nicely, and played probably the best with the nostalgia theme imo. The description was also very well done, and the interactions between the Shaman and Morgan were quite believeable. Perhaps the part where she reacted angrily to his second tale (the conclusion about the forest fire) was a bit too obvious in that it led to him calling her out for not telling him more about her Pokemon, which maybe could have been helped by her reaction being toned down a touch. But that was still an enjoyable segment, much like the rest. Meanwhile I also enjoyed how you built up the mystery in different regards (What is a rainbow chaser? What happen to their Pokemon? What happened in that tale? Etc).
On that note, it was a very nice insight into how people may react to the legend of the Burnt Tower. It makes sense, and one does feel sorry for Ho-Oh, along with the trainers dealing with their loss.
There wasn't much wrong with the writing. Small things:
Only when three hours had gone and I had I set down my camping equipment, resigned to never seeing my Hoothoot again, did I hear a soft cooing sound.
Congratulations, Miz!! :D Now wake up or get on the internet and post your story cause I want to read it!
Congrats too to Jay for getting 3rd, and a very big thanks to Bay, B&B, and gimmepie for judging. You guys are great hosts! :)
I will soon be posting my entry to the FF&W forum, which everyone else should do too, preferably with '[SWC]' in the thread title. Flooding the forum with one-shots is the best part of this whole thing!
Hoooly fudge!! I've entered the contest for at least four of the past eight years (including this one), but I totally never expected this outcome. :D Massive congrats are in order to Anon and Jay for placing second and third respectively. Wouldn't have been as fun without all the competition that's for sure.
Many thanks to Bay, B&B, and gimmepie for the judging. Sorry about the length this year. I know it must have been a great slog through, but I'm glad you guys enjoyed it nonetheless. :P
Also, following suit with Anon, I'll be posting my entry to the >>FF&W forum<< with the SWC tag, as is tradition around those there parts. I encourage everyone to do the same and I'll eventually get around to doing a review for you guys since I've been doing a number of them for the past few week anyway.
Edit: Also gotta say that, judging from titles alone, the ones I most want to read are Venia Silente's "As They Were" and Jaehaerys' "The Sun Sets in Marseilles". They give off this literary fiction vibe, if that makes any sense whatsoever -- maybe also because the titling for Venia Silente's work reminds me of Playfield's style (not title). So get to posting, you guys!
Congrats to both the winners and everyone else! Getting a story put together on a tight deadline is rough, but everyone did it :) This event was so much fun and a great way to ease back into writing again. It's a really good feeling. I can't want to read all the entries once they're up! <3
Edit: I just want to say that I fully plan on also reading and reviewing the fics posted for this. I have a lot on my plate this weekend, but this sounds like a great way to spend a quiet Sunday :) so I'll be reading tonight/tomorrow and reviewing later!
@Miz en Scene, gg sir! I was honestly a little disappointed because seventh place but I can tell from the notes on everyone else's stories that I was beaten fair and square, so good game everyone. I don't think of this as a loss though, more of a chance to train myself like the karate kid for next year, and so
btw legendaries are capitalized because they're gods, like Zeus or Aphrodite etc
I didn't realize I was going to lose 5 points from each judge, meaning I actually took a hefty penalty of 15 points. I am happy that the story scored so well though and winning wasn't really concern for me. I am going to post The Third Child at a later time after I've had a chance to revise it since I really don't consider the version I submitted to be ready. I look forward to reading everyone else's stories! Thanks again for allowing me to submit late.
I am, quite admittedly, surprised that my submission scored 9 points per judge in relevance to prompt, considering I couldn't get the story as finished as I would have wanted within the deadline. There were still about 300 words left that were needed to bring the story to the conclusion I wanted. I guess it is the other side of the coin of how I got a lower score in plot and characterization, or at least somehow related.
Still, since I know that all of you are dying to read the story, I am going to do something very special and spicy with it.
Care to guess what?
If you thought my next line is "I'm gonna post it with a [SWC] prefix" then yeah!
I'm gonna post it with a [SWC] prefix. When? I'm not sure... if it's gonna be the unedited version I presume that will be like, later tonight or tomorrow, but if I wanted to make fixes and "complete" the story it's gonna take several days (blame my goverment).
...Of course, I could just post the unedited first and then refine the story and publish a second edition later. Because we all know that's something I've been totally responsible to do to completion before. :p
Omg I am the last! wow, I didn't taught we had to write a long novel so I could write you the whole story in 20 pages LOL!
Respect "Prompt"? what is that? Well anyways thank you guys for this competition and good work (;
Well, I've added my publication to the forum, it's right there... in this link. Also in my signature. Later I'll take a deeper read to the other stories submitted, though at a first glance I do like what I am seeing.
![[PokeCommunity.com] Small Writing Competition](https://antheasdiary.files.wordpress.com/2014/12/terminator.jpg "[PokeCommunity.com] Small Writing Competition")
