Serious what are 5 things you dislike about yourself? what steps are you taking to better yourself?

What are five things you don't like about yourself, and what would you do (if possible) to change them?
(E.g. you don't like that you procrastinate, so for your next project/assignment/etc. you strive to do things ahead of time to break that bad habit)

Outside of trans stuff?

Well...

-I don't like how gullible I can be sometimes. I can probably change this by being more skeptical when I read things online.

-I don't like how sensitive I tend to be. I get upset easily. But I don't know what I can do to change this about myself.

-I wish I didn't feel so unmovitaved to do things. I need to get a motivating push, and my life won't be so monotonous?

-My paranoia and lack of social energy weigh me down. It annoys me.

-Sometimes, I can be too apologetic when I don't need to be. But I'm finally getting better at this. It used to be really bad, and I hated this about myself.

Okay so the tl;dr behind a lot of things I dislike about myself is likely due to struggling with an awful mental illness that's gradually getting worse although I'm trying to manage as much as I can. Anyway...

1. I assume the worst about most situations.

This is pretty much my top flaw, if anything. Because I care way too much about what people think, my mind just goes off on high speed and assumes the worst about most situations I get myself involved in. It oftentimes gets so bad that I sometimes think my friends secretly hate me or talk behind my back a lot. I try to suppress these thoughts as much as I can, but it is immensely difficult when you constantly think of yourself as garbage.

2. I overwork myself... a lot

This ties into me being too much of a people pleaser. Because of this, in most situations, I tend to overwork myself more than necessary because I don't want to be seen as crappy (yet I see myself as crappy anyway. Not trying to be negative but aaaa). This in tandem with the first flaw creates a lot of stress for me in particular.

3. I lack any sort of self-confidence whatsoever

yay, chronic depression!! Amazing thing to have, isn't it? While for some people confidence comes naturally, for me it's like climbing a mountain except probably in the most literal sense -- higher altitudes means less oxygen means it's more of a challenge to get to the top and thus harder to build up that confidence as I work my way up. I also self-deprecate lot. I guess that's #4, but it falls under this anyway.

4. I don't open myself up to people much

Because of all of these flaws combined, I find it hard to trust most people because of a constant fear of "they hate me" alongside "they're talking behind my back anyway, so why trust them". This leads to me closing myself off a lot and perhaps coming off somewhat cold sometimes.

5. How to establish a social circle??

More of an irl thing but I really suck at establishing any sort of long-term social circle. I feel like a lot of people in my life just come and go and that's how I've always seen it. I'm lucky I've had my two best friends that I've known since elementary school still around me somewhat but I suck at trying to make and connect with anyone else new. I think it's because I'm just too introverted and like to be by myself a lot.

----

As far as working on any of these? Therapy is somewhat an ongoing thing, but it's put on hold for the time being because I have to save up money first for my antidepressants + doctor visits + future therapy visits. Life sucks when you have to spend lots of money on even the most basic mental healthcare services. .-.

- My anxiety is bad and getting worse as the year gets on. I probably should've asked the therapist if I should have her refer me for medication, whoops.
- I'm terrified to stand up for myself or do anything outside my comfort zone.
- I'm afraid of failure, despite it happening to everyone.
- I have a severe lack of motivation to start things, which turns into procrastination, which then turns to anxiety.
- I'm so socially awkward despite being almost 30.

I feel like continuing therapy is the best option right now; she helps me reason out of these things. It's way more helpful than I expected.

This isn't really directed at anyone, I'm just preempting my response with something that I think plagues every thread that touches topics like these - it happens every single time, unless the thread creator makes a conscious effort to not allow the community to settle for #depression #selfloathing #hahaimugly #anxiety as a warm hug of nothing good.

What I've always found rather frustrating about threads that ask for one to lay out their insecurities and such is that unless the thread creator comes back and truly pushes those that respond, there seems to be little reflection on what to do beyond the recognition of the troubles that plague one so. It's a trend that has persisted on here for as long as I can remember, and it is one that is buoyed by the reality that there are so many people that do it. I find that I need to preempt my own similar threads with the rule that you cannot insult yourself without having a game plan for doing better in the future, or something similar to that line. It's annoying - not from a mere 'there's two questions to the thread' perspective, but from the perspective that it is not healthy to give focus to the issues that trouble you without speaking an equal amount about what you plan to do about it, active measures going towards reclaiming a little internal room for you to breathe in. It just drives me up the wall to see so many threads be used, under the guise of venting, as a self-fulfilling insult session. Sometimes I wonder whether the responses are even meant to have a healthy side effect, and not just seeking validation and support for never taking the step beyond the recognition of one's troubles.

I swear this is not whatever PC considers 'shade' or being callous about trials and tribulations and whatever. It's just something that deeply irritates me from a truly benevolent perspective. I just want better for people, and to seek more for themselves than the comfort that merely acknowledging your own self-loathing provides.

With that in mind, I'm going to lay out my own dislikes and what I done/plan to do/etc in response to them, or at least, being HONEST about my failure to go the extra step. My self-awareness is one of my best qualities but in practice, it is not infallible.

- I can laugh off my own callousness too easily. I know I'm smart, I'm deliciously quick witted in a way that few around me can keep pace with and I have a reference pool to die for. I'm also capable of turning off the empathy rather easily and can repeatedly and venomously snap at someone to prove a point or out of boredom. It's a trait that isn't conducive to being a social butterfly. I don't really have much to say about it, or rather, it is probably best that I don't go into too much depth about my awareness of being a **** at times. However, there's a lovely Big Mouth quote that says 'being young, gay and mean is not a personality' and it does bring me down to earth. If I'm hovering around the moon, there are others that are utterly lacking in awareness and are bitterly hovering around Mars.

- I am more manipulative than I care to admit, and it doesn't necessarily trouble me as much as it should. Sometimes I'll act in a way that I know will get the response I want from the person, whether I'm acting consciously or otherwise, and when I reflect upon it later, I sometimes find myself more bothered by being unbothered about the manipulation itself. Sometimes, I find it almost funny that I got what I wanted. People aren't easy to understand, but they... can be predicted. Understanding this is not necessarily a bad thing, it's when I use it in a way that is detrimental to someone's emotions that I later find myself having crises of self-examination. Because I'm someone who prides themselves on honesty, to the point where 'unfettered' could be used to describe my approach, the simultaneous internal appreciation for more underhanded thoughts does weigh rather heavily on me - but not as much as it should. With this in mind, I've done my best to maintain awareness of when I am acting in a way I find dishonorable, and I actively make sure I do not exhibit this attitude with those I care for: my desire to win/be right/get what I want will not come with the subtle twisting and tricks for those I want to spend my time with. This is especially relevant to my boyfriend - while each relationship has its own little games, I make a point of full honesty and full emotional clarity out of a point of respect, and so I can sleep knowing that I'm being as emotionally faithful/respectful as is deserved.

- If my body was a temple, it's a bit too close to being a flat-bottomed broken ziggurat for my liking. I've started making efforts to change this and return to my shape of a few years ago, but at the same time, I've not gone all that far yet. It's slowly changing, but I haven't taken the self-ownership I should. I doubt I will ever like my body, as since my youth it has carried a sense of permanent shame for reasons I'd prefer to not go into, but it is high time I stopped accepting all the heavy-eyed tears about what it means to me and to actively fix this. Wipe off that angel face and go for a swim at the pool.

- Rather than examining the common denominator for why I have a small friend circle, I find it easier to project and blame others for failing me, for acting as if not giving the desired level of respect one time suddenly stretches out across the sands of time and imprints itself on all our history. However, this is an issue I have probably made the greatest amount of improvement on in the last couple of years - rather than uniformly blaming the other person, I've taken time to see their side, and I don't think I've had a single fight in the last year because of simply stepping back and taking a breather. It's also helped me calmly identify when friends genuinely do let me down and to accept that, and in the case of one old friend, to not get hung up about it and wish them well from a distance, even if they're not what I currently require at this time.

- I don't allow myself to have genuine desires or dreams for the future. Dunno if this belongs in the depression box, the self-esteem box or the cynicism box, but I feel as if my constant resilience in the face of rather unrelenting traumatic history has limited my ability to conceive of a future where I aim for, let alone attain, what I really want. It's not even a lack of belief in self - I know that with sufficient motivation, I very rarely fail at getting what I want. The problem is that I've spent so long trying to just work through the past that I've become content in not believing in the future, or laughing off the idea of ever being someone or something I actually like - as opposed to just tolerating myself and my current state - and doing something about it. I don't understand people that marry their high school partners and never leave their home town, and I mock them rather consistently, but I'm not really much better in a mental sense. I suppose it's just a matter of not really caring about myself: my self-esteem issues are more born out of apathy to living rather than a deep-seated loathing. I have that instinctual fear of death we all have, in the sense that we don't want the pain of getting hit by a truck, but I am much too calm and detached about dying unsatisfied, and that truly bothers me. I'll get back to y'all when I have the slightest idea of how to reclaim that desire to live in a way that satisfies me.

Bonus: I kinda hate how I have drifted closer and closer to stoicism when examining myself, and not letting myself get emotional about the things I shouldn't tolerate. I should be allowed to get angry without feeling like I've thrown plates at the wall, and I should be allowed to break down without considering it a total failure. This is the sort of bottling that results in a girl spending some time in the ward.

I'd say my intent in making the thread was to inspire self-reflection, as well as see what steps people are taking to remedy what they do not like about themselves.

If I were to list 5 things I dislike the most about myself, they'd be as follows:
1. Body Image
I've never been too happy with the way I look, and I've gained some weight over the past few years. It gets to the point, at times, that I'll have mini-meltdowns and cry about it. But...I know it's my fault. My diet isn't the best, and I could definitely exercise more. I actually lost a ton of weight a few years ago by adjusting my diet and exercising an hour each day, and I kept it off for a year or so by continuing to exercise at least 3 or 4 times a week.

I've unfortunately gained a lot of that weight back, now. I'm tall and have a broad frame, so it doesn't show that well, but I've gained too much weight in my book. What has helped, though, is having a support system (re: my boyfriend haha) who reminds me that he thinks I look great regardless of my weight. I know, that probably sounds silly - but it's really kind of helped remind myself that just because I'm slightly overweight doesn't mean I'm a disgusting person unworthy of love.

I've come to terms to accepting that I'm just a stockier guy, and that's ok! I've resumed a better diet, and have started working out every day again. I'm hopeful to get back down to better weight (in my eyes) in a few months.

But if I don't? That's ok. It's not the end of the world.

2. Mental Illness
I've had issues with depression and anxiety that go back to my mid-to-late teenage years. I hit my lowest point in April of 2011 (at the age of 19) when I tried to kill myself. But hey - I'm still here, bitches! After that occurred, I started taking anti-depressants, and they really helped get me into a better place.

However, I stopped probably back in 2013 because my insurance didn't cover them. Things were overall okay for the most part - I tried to ignore my depression issues, and shove any sort of mental issues into a box. During that time, I adopted the super unhealthy logic best exemplified by the below quote from Desperate Housewives:

Whenever I feel my emotions getting the best of me, I simply picture an empty box. And I take whatever I'm feeling and put that in the box. Then I picture myself putting the box away in a big empty closet and closing the door. Then, if I have time, I go back and open the box and deal with the emotion. In private.

Click to expand...

Yeah, I know - hella toxic. In my head, my depression was a sign of weakness that I shouldn't acknowledge. Yes, I know. T.o.x.i.c! It made me terrible at communicating how I felt with my boyfriend at the time, as well as friends and family. Forcing myself to ignore my emotions/etc., definitely is one of the reasons my previous relationship didn't work out.

But...life happens, and I've grown up, and acknowledge how toxic and awful that mindset was. When I started dating my current boyfriend, I still more or less had that mindset, and was worried about talking to him about these kinds of things. I didn't want to burden him with my problems, but I also didn't want to make the same mistakes. We had a few drawn out arguments that I ultimately realized were rooted in the fact that I was still trying to make myself a bit more emotionally unavailable. I started going back to my primary doctor, got back on my antidepressants, and made a promise to myself to not bottle things up anymore. Otherwise, my current and any future relationships would never work out.

Since then, my boyfriend and I enjoy an open dialogue, and try to talk about everything that bothers us/etc. When I'm feeling down and depressed, I talk about it with him, or with my friends. It's so great being able to talk about things nowadays.

3. Procrastinating
IRL, I can be pretty bad about procrastinating on projects/cleaning up/etc. And I hate it so much lmao. To rectify this, I try to implement false-deadlines that make me feel more pressured to complete things in a timely manner. It definitely helps most of the time.

4. Impatience
I'm incredibly impatient in general. I'm not a fan of waiting on things IRL or online. To rectify this, I've gotten in the habit of taking a deep breath and trying to take a step back...if that makes sense? It's a day-to-day struggle, truth be told, but I'm aware of the issue and am working on it haha.

5. Need for Validation/Insecurity
I have no idea why I have such a strong need for validation at times, but - whoop, there it is. It's not something I'm necessarily proud of, but again, am aware of. As I've matured, I've learned less to care about what people think (see the body image section), but...it's still hard sometimes. I still worry - well, what if that person doesn't like me? What if I just looked so stupid? Does this person hate me? etc. etc. etc. What I have to tell myself - and it's easier said than done - is that what they think, if anything, doesn't matter. I have to do more things that make me happy, and if that inconveniences others...well, tough!

Ultimately, I've learned the following two things over the past few years:
1. Communicate. Don't keep things bottled up, talk about how you feel.
2. Stop worrying about what other people think about you.

1. My anxiety. It wrecks my life, makes me super paranoid over every little thing and has a knack for triggering horrible thoughts. There's only so much that can be done to make it easier... but it's not easier at all. It's just a way to "mask" my inner demons and pain. D: I mean, it's gotten somewhat better now that I don't have those depressive tendencies but... idk. It's still really hard, you know?

2. My ADHD. I don't really care much about having it. It makes focusing on things harder, and it always picks fits with my anxiety as well. >< I wish I didn't have to deal with it is all.

3. Being overweight. Everyone always seems to think that losing is easy. It's only easier said than done. I don't really want to go too much into detail with this one due to personal reasons.

4. Switching projects. I'm not sure if this really counts, but I wish there was one thing in my writing I could finish for once. Every time I try to work on a story, I get bored and have to create a new one or work on an old one. I'm always redoing projects too, and I can't seem to stop myself. ><

5. Emotional sensitivity. This is a big thing for me. It applies to my anxiety, but yeah. Anyway, I feel like I get too worked up over nothing. If someone says something to me in a negative way, I end up dwelling on it so easily as my anxiety makes it worse than it is. I try so hard to let it go... yet I struggle with controlling it. ;o;

So yeah. I don't really know what I could do to improve these things, especially the anxiety and such. I've tried everything to conquer it. Nothing really seems to stop it or keep it more at bay. D:

1. My Weight
I think this one in particular really gets me because many years ago I actually worked my way down to a slightly overweight (nearly """healthy""") weight for me and then I don't really know what happened but I ballooned back up past what I was. I am currently on another downward trend but at a far slower rate than previously. I am especially bothered by it because I promised myself I would never go back above 200lbs (~90.7kg) and I just stopped looking at the scale and stopped caring.

With all the weight problems maybe PC should start like a weight watcher's club?

2. My Anxiety
So this one was actually a "new" development for me. I've been taking a lot of time recently trying to look at myself with a more critical eye and to accept some thing I have simply brushed under the rug because I'm "not that type of person". I went to my MD and got prescribed an antidepressant (Wellbutrin/Bupropion for anyone wondering) and I think it has been having a wonderful affect on my life. I've also been pretty anti-medicine (well maybe not the right word, I was always avoidant of medication for myself but told other people I thought more people should take meds if it would do them well) so I've been pretty open about this anxiety and depression I've been experiencing in the hopes that more of my personal contacts might try to seek out some help for themselves (I know at least some have).

3. Allowing Myself to be Abused
Maybe everyone feels like this but I constantly have allowed people to sort of walk over me. I never thought much of this until my SO started pointing out that I always made excuses for other people and always tried to see the good in every action even if it was unambiguously bad. I've been seeking out a new job finally after 5 years at my current, terrible, abusive, workplace because I noticed these patterns and I was to try to live a happier life.

4. My Inability to Stick to Anything
So I have never been diagnosed with ADHD or anything but there is a lot of family history of it and I often times particularly as an adult (but not a kid, then again everything was just easy for me then) feel like I just get distracted by everything and cannot stick with anything. This also relates back to the anxiety thing because I don't know if I have ADHD/ADD and even if I do I don't know if I would want to take some of the meds that "treat" it, I know they are legitimately helpful (pharmacy technician here) but some of those side effects don't seem worth it to me. This is something I have been actively working on to moderate success.

5. Where I am in Life
As a younger human I had everything in life seemingly go nearly perfectly, from graduating fairly highly in my HS, to going to a "good" college, to having satisfying relationships. I was the person that was supposed to be the $100k+/yr job and just being very successful and not limited (and not limiting myself) in any way. Everything went fine until I went through a major depressive phase in college and after that I feel like my life has been constantly off track and I am trying to get it back on the rails.

1. Mental Illness
Alright let's get the obvious, "easy", one out the way. As of just recently, my list of mental health diagnoses consists of generalised anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, a variant of somatic disorder, PTSD and a high likelihood of OCD and paranoia with a tendency towards manic episodes and a few other small things. Essentially, I am a walking psychiatric dictionary. I'm regularly seeing a psych for treatment, but I have to admit that it's a struggle and that I have a lot of difficulty finding coping mechanisms that work for me. I rely a lot on others to keep me centred when I'm at my worst and I don't like it, it doesn't feel fair to anyone to drag them into my shit. On top of that, I've always been pretty accepting of my mental health issues in the sense of I've never been ashamed of it or felt uncomfortable with the knowledge but I have to admit that the recent additions of PTSD and potentially paranoia to my list of issues has been pretty hard to parse. But yeah, I'm actively working on all this with my psych so that's what I'm doing to improve there.

2. Body Image
I used to be extremely fit and healthy. I wasn't ripped or anything, but I was athletic. I was comfortable with how I looked and I felt good in general. Then I randomly got sick back in October 2015, so I had to stop dancing, and have continued to be ill ever since then and it's not exactly been good for my body. Even ignoring the random bloating my illness causes, I definitely do not have the same body I had back before getting ill. On top of that, my teeth are ruined. Degenerative teeth run in my family and I went to a great deal of effort to manage my diet and oral care to make sure I wasn't a victim of it. Getting sick fucked that too. I'd love to pretend I wasn't vain enough to be bothered by this, but it's simply not the case. Beyond feeling less attractive, every time I look in a mirror I'm reminded about how my life has changed, how my body is falling apart, the parts of my life I've lost and how little progress I've made towards getting better. I'm trying to spend more time on my feet and stuff and I'd like to get into some light exercise but it's not easy to motivate myself and its hard to really do that with my health issues constantly flaring up or threatening to. Fixing my teeth will require most of them to literally be replaced and I do not have the money or the fortitude to deal with that right now. One thing I am planning to do once my financials are a bit more stable is book some time with a physiotherapist which will hopefully help me out a lot.

3. Lack of Success
I have a high IQ, I'm creative, I started university at 16 and was on track to get my education degree and was also working my way through my coaching qualifications with plans to start a business with a friend of mine. I don't want to blame getting sick on all my failings, there's more to it than that, but it certainly didn't help my progress. For all my prospects, I've gotten nowhere in life. In fact, I'm behind most of my peers now. The people I grew up with and went through school with are all working their way through their careers, moving out or building houses, getting married or starting families. Meanwhile, I'm stuck bedridden, still living at home with no job, no study and until we work out what's wrong with me no prospects for the future really either. I'm an ambitious person and I spent most of my life being ahead of the curve with a clear path forward and even though I've had years to get used to this new status quo and even though I know it's not really my fault, I can't find it in me to be accepting of my current situation. I've amounted to nothing but wasted potential. I'm doing my best, I've got a finished picture book ready to go to printing once I have the financials secure, I'm working on a comic right now and a few other things. I'm still pursuing projects and potential career options despite my circumstances but even when I manage to see these things through to the endgame, which isn't very often, something like a lack of resources or connections or whatever always seems to get in the way. My ambitions and goals are always beyond my circumstances but I'm going to keep trying anyway.

4. Personality Flaws
There's a lot of parts of my personality I'm proud of: determination, ambition, loyalty and a desire for fairness. Then there's the rest of it. I have a temper, I'm snarky and argumentative, I'm judgemental, I'm defeatist, I don't trust easily, I'm stubborn and bullish and I don't think highly of most people. I strive to be a just person and I like to think I'm a good person for the most part, but these are not the same as being a nice person and nice is definitely not a word I'd used to describe myself. I have a lot of work to do here and it's something that is a constant work in progress for me. As it stands, I mostly work on this by listening to criticism and feedback and then trying to apply what I've learned. I'm not really as successful there as I'd like to be but I'll keep at it and hopefully there will come a time when I can say I'm a genuinely nice person that others can enjoy being around.

5. Negativity
This cycles back into a lot of the other stuff I talked about, but it's distinct enough to warrant its own place here I think. I don't like myself, nor do I like the world I live in. I'm a deeply flawed person and the world around me is just as flawed if not more so with a tendency by-and-large towards unfairness and injustice. I just don't see a lot to be happy about at a personal level or a societal one. It's not that I'm a pessimist, intellectually I know that I have a lot to be grateful for. I have a roof over my head, internet access and I have some truly amazing people in my life who I owe a hell of a lot to. I consider myself a realist though, and the reality is that the world is kind of a shitty place and that's something that is perpetually on my mind. I'm just not okay with how humanity in general has turned out and I count myself in that number. This is something else that I work on a lot with my psych and that I try to work on by doing my best to improve myself and do good where I can. If I'm honest though, I think it's going to take a lot of reprogramming before I can focus on everything that's good instead of seeing things from the perspective of what I don't like.

Comparing myself with others - I've invalidated a lot of my accomplishments because I think that I should be doing more if I see people who have done better. I was raised in a competitive environment where the people around me were all extremely hardworking and it reflected in their great successes. It took me a long time to acknowledge how unhealthy it was to keep comparing myself as I thought it would drive me to continually do better and continue improving myself. However it just ended up making me feel really unfulfilled and disappointed that I couldn't keep up with the unrealistic expectation that I had to keep accomplishing great things in all areas of my life. It would get to the point where I'd overwork myself to exhaustion and never allow myself to have a break because I had so much clearly planned on what I wanted to achieve. Learning to realise everyone has their own achievements and that they are in no way something that should make me feel insecure about my own has made me a lot happier. I'm really happy for other people's successes and I can celebrate my own much more now without feeling as insecure. It's still a process but learning to keep realistic expectations and also being OK with setbacks and challenges to achieving what I want has help kept me much more grounded.

Finding it hard to open up - Emotional vulnerability is difficult for me. I trust people but the idea of being so honest about how you're feeling is one that makes me extremely uncomfortable. I'm always cautious because I want to make sure that the other person won't feel overwhelmed or burdened if I do talk to them about what's wrong. However I overthink about how the person will respond or feel and this often just leads to me unhealthily repressing my emotions until I overshare because I can't take keeping it to myself anymore. I've really been trying to work on this and realise that there's a healthy balance in when to open up and perhaps when it's not as appropriate or needed. I hid my depression for a long time and the process in actively seeking help was probably something that I had needed for at least a few years. But once I did make the uncomfortable push to validate what I was feeling and open up to a therapist, I realised how amazing it is to be able to talk through your problems and acknowledge them rather than just trying to hide them. It was only a limited number of sessions due to the nature of how I'd organized it myself because I refused to open up to my parents, but I guess the next step in moving forward is being honest with my parents about the fact that I need help and to reseek therapy. I've also become slightly better at being open to people and in the process realised people often go through and hide a lot because such conversations have inspired a discussion about our life experiences. It helps to keep in perspective that finding life hard at times is fine and that people are extremely understanding of it.

Finding it uncomfortable to meet new people - I am fine with meeting new people and excited to get to know someone but I always find it hard to get over the hurdle of how uncomfortable it is when you first meet and form impressions of each other. I feel like I need to learn how to relax as often it can come across as tense or overly careful about what I'm saying. However I think realising that it's a matter of experience and just slowly pushing yourself to realise it's not that uncomfortable has been good for realising that I often overthink how it will go. Something that has also helped is feeling less self important in realising that people don't give as much thought of you as you think and that has made it much easier to feel open and get to know people I would have otherwise found intimidating or judged by. Plus just being more authentic to who I am and accepting that if things don't work out with this person, it's OK as there's always a lot of other people to meet. Can still be overwhelming but I feel like I've been making progress at getting it under control.

Too passive - I think I could improve at being more assertive. I dislike conflict and avoid it as much as possible which means that I either don't speak up or tend to back down quite quickly when I feel upset, angered or feel like something difficult needs to be said. However that being said I've realised how trying to be apathetic is not the best approach. I've realised that respectfully disagreeing or at least making it clear that our viewpoints are different has been helpful in situations where people I know say something that is either uncomfortable or inappropriate. It helps to just reduce future incidents of the same behaviour by establishing that it's not acceptable rather than being too scared. I still need to work on this as I will still not speak up at times but just realising that I can't let people assume it's OK to act in certain manners has helped me be more open to disagreeing with people where necessary.

Overly anxious - I overthink a lot as to what could go wrong. I tend to catastrophise situations a lot and give myself unnecessary stress about what ifs that might not necessarily ever happen. I thought I was being precautious but in reality it was completely unhealthy and took a control over my life. I had a life changing incident when I was younger which led to years of hypochondria that were debilitating and difficult to work through. However thankfully through professional help and a LOT of incidents which ended up resolving themselves, that's mostly under control but I still am quite highly anxious in general and it is something I'm working on improving. Learning about negative thinking styles and realising how many I engage in plus learning how to just let the thoughts be without further perpetuating my anxiety by trying to repress them has been helpful. Its taken years to get it properly under control but I finally feel like I'm at least making solid progress on that. I'm still probably going to see if there is any medication that would be appropriate though as I feel like it could help moving forward.

For the record, I'm actively going to therapy to try to fix these flaws.

My paralyzing indecisiveness.
Sometimes I legitimately cannot think for myself. I get so overwhelmed by choices that I cannot rationalize and think things through with any clarity. I'm a "measure twice, cut once", kind of person, and there are times I get so caught up in "measuring" that I fall into complete inaction - besides compulsive (and a little embarrassing) self soothing behaviors.

My inability to say no.
I've let myself be hurt and abused and I just keep giving second and third chances. I'll agree to most everything, especially if I care about you, and put 100% of myself into being present for you. I lose myself in helping others and I cannot create healthy boundaries that keep me safe from manipulative people.

My anxiety / catastrophizing.
No matter what the situation, I will always think the worst. Even in situations where it's unprovoked. I have serious control issues that cause me to obsess over fine details, and I miss out on so much of life because instead of doing something about a situation, I'm too busy preparing for contingencies.

My self esteem.
Christ, I just really can't stand myself. And I've got so much to be grateful for but sometimes I can't see that and I get very lathered into self destruction. I've become very piteous and emotionally inarticulate when it comes to myself, so much so that I rely almost completely on other people for validation.

My lack of ambition.
I am so, so scared of changing the status quo. I hate the way I'm living and it doesn't work but it works enough that the idea of change is something that physically makes me ill. My fear of "what if's" is so pervasive that I stagnate and can barely keep myself together enough to take part in basic activities. I constantly feel like I'm letting people, and myself, down.

Bad/Lack of Social Skills

For as long as I can remember, both IRL and online, I've been bad at talking to others, or even having a conversation that doesn't lead to me using a short response like "I see" or just using emotes on Discord. To me, using those short responses makes me think that other people think "oh wow, he's giving me such a short answer. He's probably not even the least bit interested in what I said" or "he's probably really boring" or something along those lines. Sure, it doesn't help that I kinda just do my own thing and don't really bother trying to interact with people to improve my terrible social skills, but...it's hard, you know. My very limited range of conversation topics doesn't help this point much, either.

The self esteem of a dying cabbage

Nothing I do is good enough in my opinion. My writing, I say it sucks despite other people saying otherwise. My speedrun attempts are terrible and I feel they still need vast improvement. I talk to myself more than I talk to other people, and when I do talk to others, it goes back to the previous point of "short responses that make it sound like I'm not interested/boring."

Procrastination

I have a bad habit of slacking off/holding off on doing things I may want to do, like recording videos, writing or streaming. I always make up excuses or say "I'll get around to it" and then never actually do it.

Height and general appearance

I hate my height. I feel like I'm short and want to be taller. A part of me feels like my appearance is part of the reason I'm not very approachable, but it's not so easy to change such a thing.

Trust Issues/Inability to establish friendships or close bonds of any kind

So about a couple of years ago, I was betrayed by a family member I had trusted since I was a kid. He was one of the people I would actively talk to, and he did something that completely destroyed my trust in him. I guess at some point, that issue spread to just about anyone IRL. I sometimes feel like I keep up too much of an emotional distance from people, and that has spread to online too and started to tie itself to my lack of social skills like a boa constrictor. In fact, writing this now, I'm starting to think my trust issues are worse online, since you don't know if the people you're talking to are even telling the truth or lying to your face. Because I have problems trusting other people (or even having a conversation that doesn't make me sound like I'm boring), making friends IRL or online has become a near impossibility for me, as I eventually end up facing the string of self negativity and pushing them away. At the moment, I only have two people online I would classify as friends.

hey y'all I've edited the title of the thread - the intention of this thread was not to simply list out five things you dislike about yourself, but also to reflect on steps you can or plan on taking to better yourself.

Compare myself to others
Man I compare myself to others too much. I get upset when my friends from grade school and college are having families and moving up in their career paths while I still live with my parents. I get jealous when other people's fanfictions getting more attention than mine, including ones from different fandoms. For this, I try to tell myself I can take things in my pace and that jealously won't get me anywhere. I still get this unhappy feeling sometimes because of how society pressures us to keep up, but I think I'm getting better at it.

Seeking validation
I too want validation nonstop. Any jokes I made to my friends, keeping asking my parents if I'm a burden to them, my writing to the readers.If I feel unappreciated, then part of me feels my energy is wasted. The best way to combat that is to not worry about impressing anybody and not to rely on validation to function, which I've been trying to do more of lately but it's not easy.

Overthinking and anxiety
I mentioned in another thread where I think the worse case scenarios. My overthinking flares up so much I become impatient and go to a tantrum like a 10 year old. I don't know how to stay calm. Often I get family, friends, and other people telling me to just breathe. To be honest, I really need to do that more.

Self-loathing and passive aggressiveness
Yeah, so I self loath and being passive aggressive a lot. I think things like, "I'm nothing," "Everyone hates me," "No one wants to hang out with a sheltered person like me." Sometimes I say that in public too, in chatrooms/social media and in real life. Right now I'm trying to convince myself it's my brain telling lies and rarely people will think of me that way unless I did something truly horrible. At least I like to think that.

Sensitivity
So I noticed myself I can be sensitive at times. I get pretty upset when I get told criticism and less than positive stuff at me, which then leads to self-loathing. For improvement on that I try to tell myself usually there's no ill-intent and they only want to see me do better.

I also get sensitive when folks say less than positive stuff on my interests. When someone says, "X has so many flaws," I go, "X isn't that bad..." etc. At least for that I have to remind myself everyone has different expectations, and my interests doesn't reflect me if I have good or bad taste.

I think all these can be vastly improved if I go seek some professional help, but that's not an option for me at the moment. So I pretty much push through the best I can.

So, I want to be clear about the things I've mentioned the steps I'll take the fix them.

First and foremost, I have zero intention in wallowing in my own misery, because I don't think there's any benefit to be gained by doing that. Simultaneously though, I've long since accepted that at the current rate that my depression is going, it's going to be something I'm likely going to have to keep fighting for years to come, even relying on both therapy and medication. This is not me being pessimistic or negative in some fashion, it's me being realistic (sprinkled with a slight bit of optimism even on top). I realize that the core of most, if not all of my issues stem from my worsening mental illness. In fact, I just don't like to talk about it a whole lot because the more I think about it, the sadder I get because even though I realize the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, it's the arduousness of the journey itself that weighs me down and as a result, I question a lot about the future and whether or not I'll truly be able to overcome my flaws as a person.

This journey is also prolonged by the fact that unfortunately, mental health resources do cost a pretty penny in a country where healthcare is not a right. Keep in mind that this is just for seeing therapists alone and this is not counting doctor's visits in addition to the costs of medication. Thank goodness I have health insurance currently through my employer, but it also doesn't kick in until later this year so I'm essentially stuck dealing with the negative thoughts that plague my mind for several more months to come. I refuse to burden myself with any more financial hardships than I'm in already so there's that factor, as well.

In short, I know what I must do in order to better myself and I already have a plan in mind for that. But getting started is the hardest part; taking that first step and climbing up the mountain of depression and overcoming it is a lot easier said than done needless to say. It's a fight that I know that I'm in for the long haul. Oftentimes it drags me down and continues to plague me with negative thought after thought, causing me to seriously think whether or not life is really worth living. I'm not so unaware that I can get like this, however unfortunately my hands are tied behind my back for the time being until I repay back my debts and then and only then will I feel like I'm in a position where I can resume mental health treatment without much consequence.

I hate the fact that I hate myself with a burning passion and that's also no thanks to the zero self confidence I've had to this depression as well, and... I'm not going to lie and say that self-confidence is something that I'm going to gain overnight or really anytime soon easily. As I've been bullied for my entire grade school life as well as suffered from constant verbal/emotional abuse at home, I've never really had the opportunity to develop much self-confidence. I've always been a people pleaser, if only for the sake of avoiding conflict because that's just the kind of environment I was raised in/been around. Without going on too much of a tangent, however, let's just say I'm just unaware how I can solve this in particular. Beating back my depression is one thing but that doesn't mean I'll somehow spontaneously not feel like a piece of shit every so often. I really think loneliness could be the cause of this because I've never had a great social support network irl. What little I do have, they're going through their own troubles and issues and I'd rather not burden them with the pile of crap that I go through. So for better or worse, I internalize all the pain that I have.

Basically, I'm on a long road to self-recovery. Some of my flaws I have an idea of how to go about remedying, some of them I feel like I've yet to find an answer and to be honest, I feel like they'll likely just be a part of my personality and be flaws I'll likely forever try to cope with.

Personally, I wish I didn't feel so horrifically lonely as that's also the cause of a lot of my depression with no real actual solution in sight for me. Faux-socialization has never done the trick for me; it's not like I don't go outside or anything. I have a full-time job and speak with my co-workers and management quite frequently and have fun with them. But I don't develop any real bonds with a lot of people and I suppose that's the root cause of it. I miss developing strong bonds and friendships with people to the point where I can spill over my troubles. But until then, I'm forced to bottle everything I go through and that's for better or worse.

lol this was a way longer post than intended but there you go