I... wanna touch up on more about my depression issues, and... about something else - I've never really told anyone this story before, but there was a time, during my depression episode, I just... had to question my existence. I wondered... what other people would think if I suddenly passed away. Not because I... I wanted to test it, it's just, sometimes when I thought to myself, everything was... too much, knowing that there was a way out... kinda helps. My family members always had a distinct purpose in life; they didn't even have to think about it - they were like born like that, but I just... I just couldn't. No matter how much I tried, I'm ignored, forgotten about, and... felt unappreciated. Like, imagine living your life with no purpose no thrill, excitement, joy, anger, love... I was like an empty shell, realizing that there was no meaning to my existence. If I was gone, people would move on, and I would find my peace.
One time, I did really think about doing it - I thought, maybe drinking something or doing overdose of something could let me go in peace rather than just...stabbing myself, but, at the same time it just felt so... frustrating, just dying like that. My mind entered a constant state of flux and I couldn't go through with it in the end. I did seek help, visiting therapy during my own time, but I couldn't really talk to anyone about my feelings. People I've known were too judgmental, and I felt they wouldn't really understand.
So um... yeah. I guess I wanted to share my story because, I wanted to spread a message... if you're going through dark times, if you're going through depression, anxiety, fear, and even having those dark thoughts in your mind, I just wanted to say, you're not alone in this. Because I've been through those times too, and I'm still battling dark emotions. I think sharing my story really helps and I hope others don't feel intimidated to do so either.
If no one else, I'll be here for you.
Always.