[Life] Mental health club

[VisionofMilotic]

Spoiler: suicidal thoughts tw

sometimes i cant wait for death. this is one of those times. it's odd really; i dont actively have suicidal thoughts as much anymore, but death is one of those things where, if it happened to me, i wouldn't really care and it would, in fact, be a net benefit to everyone who knew me if i was gone. buut unfortunately, i'm too cowardly to actually act on these thoughts, so all i can do is think "what if..."

What I have seen of you online is a woman who is dedicated, bold, outspoken, passionate, unique, funny, smart, generous with her time and resources and an upstanding part of the community. The world would be less colourful at least to me if you weren't in it. I think that your life has not been extinguished despite the storms that have come crashing down doesn't mean that you are cowardly, but braver than you may know. You are deserving of love and respect.

 

[Fairy]

My doctor doubled my Xanax prescription knowing I have a history of addiction and I'm a little worried about myself.

At the same time I know I need the additional chemical support since my anxiety has been running rampant. My husband just started Lexapro and there's a lot of changes in my life right now... but there will never be a part of me that doesn't think "60 pills? Blow them all :D." And it's legitimately scaring me.

I hate feeling weak to these neuropaths i didn't consent to forming in my brain that will forever dictate how I feel about intoxicants. I hate that it's so easy to fall back into a dangerous pattern. I hate how much real-estate drugs of any kind take up in my mind. I hate the constant sober Jo vs. sick Jo that I deal with on a cyclical basis.

 

[Sheep]

jo ;_; I'll be thinking of you, I hope it all works out!!!! my mom's on lexapro too and it seems to work well for her, has for years! i'm too chicken to take those prescription meds lol.. I order a supplement online, which so far has been enough for the most part. except when I'm on a plane, then no pill in existence can keep me calm lol

 

[starlightartist]

this club is really important guys, i'm so glad it exists and i'm really surprised i haven't posted in it until now! personally, i suffer from depression and generalised anxiety, though there's other stuff i suspect i haven't been diagnosed for too. i've suffered mentally for quite some time, but most of my struggles have been in the past 2 - 3 years and i've had periods of being actively suicidal, i was medicated from december 2017 with zoloft until just this year when i came off them in like, april? that's just a general overview of me and why im gonna post here, now im gonna do a big, probably triggering emotional vent, cause i'm not great atm!
so: tw suicide, depression, drugs

Spoiler:

so, lemme give some background. i developed mental health issues during secondary school (probably when i was about 14) and it got worse over time. in sixth form (UK education, ages 16 - 18) i had several months barely going in at all cause of my depression. late 2017 i was suicidal, got medicated and was okay throughout 2018. early 2019 i was suicidal again, had some time off right before my A levels and felt like my meds weren't working. during this period i discovered cannabis and started using it to self medicate. that year went rough to worse in the summer since my grades were worse than i thought they were gonna be, cause i was studying maths for literally 0 reason which i hated, i'd just been pushed into it cause i'm "smart" apparently. managed to get into the uni i wanted though, started in the september studying law, even though i'd never really wanted to study law and had basically been pushed into it because i was academically successful and good at writing. writing had always been my strongest skill and creating / writing stuff is what i spent a lot of time doing. but for some reason i let them suppress that and force me into the academic route. so uni was very rough, became a daily user of cannabis and was also regularly experimenting with lsd as escapism. got to december, came home for christmas and broke down to my parents, entered the most suicidal state i've ever been in and planned to kill myself on january 10th. on the advice of my mum i suspended my studies at uni and came home. my parents are letting me stay at home and pursue creative writing, i've now dropped out of uni and im considering going back starting september 2021 to do creative writing but im terrified of doing uni again since it was so awful to me, my mental health was obliterated by it. im still like, dependent on cannabis to self medicate, im happier than i was but still feel rough and empty a lot. im also not being creative enough, i have a detailed concept for a screenplay i want to write but i can't bring myself to actually start writing it out. i feel like its not getting better and even though my life has improved my emotional state isn't and my depressed thoughts are still here. i don't see a future where im not struggling, even if everything goes right. and that leads me to feel suicidal.

also my imposter syndrome, cause like, my life is fine. i have nothing to be depressed about and a lot going for me. but that doesn't stop it.

also, it's worth pointing out that i'm aware both cannabis and lsd, lsd in particular are relatively harmless drugs physiologically. lsd is well documented to have no negative physical health effects, and cannabis too (with the exception of lung damage if it's being smoked or vaped). lsd is also not addictive, so i'm not addicted to that its just something i've used for escapism. although i don't like being dependent on cannabis, i personally am not against using either drug for myself in moderation. the problems arise because i know exactly why i've used both, and its to help mentally. which means i'm not in a good place.

anyways, thanks for having this club exist. i come back to pc often to try and make friends, have people to talk to this stuff about and empathise with it so this should be really helpful for that sort of thing c:

 

[Corrin]

I've garnered a lot of hate from people on tumblr for being unable to really control my symptoms. Obviously it is my fault for using such a site when I'm unstable but the constant attacks on my twitter are just getting hard to deal with.

I'm in therapy now though.

 

[Fairy]

I've garnered a lot of hate from people on tumblr for being unable to really control my symptoms. Obviously it is my fault for using such a site when I'm unstable but the constant attacks on my twitter are just getting hard to deal with.

I'm in therapy now though.

I'm sorry to hear that. :( I hope things start looking up for you! What kind of symptoms are you experiencing, if you don't mind me asking?

Therapy is a great place to start your recover though and you should feel proud for taking the first step. ♡

 

[Dragon]

Eh... Lately I've just been feeling more and more distraught and depressed... even doing my favourite things kind of lost their flavour, if you know what I mean.

Sometimes it kinda does spiral into self decrepitation too, which now I'm afraid it might even start to affect how I talk with people. Kind of why I'm kinda starting to just, shy people away but at the same time I don't want to? It's... tricky to explain.

 

[Fairy]

Spoiler:

also, it's worth pointing out that i'm aware both cannabis and lsd, lsd in particular are relatively harmless drugs physiologically. lsd is well documented to have no negative physical health effects, and cannabis too (with the exception of lung damage if it's being smoked or vaped). lsd is also not addictive, so i'm not addicted to that its just something i've used for escapism. although i don't like being dependent on cannabis, i personally am not against using either drug for myself in moderation. the problems arise because i know exactly why i've used both, and its to help mentally. which means i'm not in a good place.

Ahhhh.. just.. please be careful, alright?

This is coming from someone who regularly used recreational drugs to self medicate and, yes, I know the studies you're referring too.. but that doesn't mean it's healthy for you. Many years ago I would have agreed with you unconditionally! But in hindsight, as a person who still struggles with addiction and has a husband with permanent brain damage from hallucinogens, I don't want to see anyone else fall into that cycle. Just know your limits and be safe, okay? <33

 

[starlightartist]

Ahhhh.. just.. please be careful, alright?
yes, I know the studies you're referring too.. but that doesn't mean it's healthy for you. Many years ago I would have agreed with you unconditionally! <33

i think this is really the key, i was trying to get across that im aware that:
not physically damaging =/= healthy.
they are not equatable, i know this. cannabis in particular i credit with saving my life and keeping me alive through the worst of it.

but the worst of it is passing soon and hopefully i will be able to become much less dependent. thank you for your concerns <3 but i promise you, i know that what i was saying doesn't make it healthy...i just felt i needed to state those facts for completeness and because i legitimately believe that those recreational drugs in particular can be valuable in moderation in certain circumstances.

 

[Fairy]

i think this is really the key, i was trying to get across that im aware that:
not physically damaging =/= healthy.
they are not equatable, i know this. cannabis in particular i credit with saving my life and keeping me alive through the worst of it.

but the worst of it is passing soon and hopefully i will be able to become much less dependent. thank you for your concerns <3 but i promise you, i know that what i was saying doesn't make it healthy...i just felt i needed to state those facts for completeness and because i legitimately believe that those recreational drugs in particular can be valuable in moderation in certain circumstances.

I completely understand and know exactly where you're coming from. I hope my post didn't come across as some boomer whose never been in your shoes telling you what to do lol.

It's honestly a topic I'm rather flip-floppy about anyway, tbh. Just because it harmed me doesn't mean it harms everyone -- and we know, scientifically, that these drugs have medicinal properties and are used to treat a multitude of brain and body dysfunctions! I just.. I know in my heart that if I started taking it, I would eventually end up relapsing and selling to others to support my habit. I can't live like that again. :( So I default to being scared for people.. But I know the research and I trust you know your facts too. Thank you for taking care of yourself no matter what form it comes in. Self help is so important. <33

 

[starlightartist]

I completely understand and know exactly where you're coming from. I hope my post didn't come across as some boomer whose never been in your shoes telling you what to do lol.

It's honestly a topic I'm rather flip-floppy about anyway, tbh. Just because it harmed me doesn't mean it harms everyone -- and we know, scientifically, that these drugs have medicinal properties and are used to treat a multitude of brain and body dysfunctions! I just.. I know in my heart that if I started taking it, I would eventually end up relapsing and selling to others to support my habit. I can't live like that again. :( So I default to being scared for people.. But I know the research and I trust you know your facts too. Thank you for taking care of yourself no matter what form it comes in. Self help is so important. <33

oh gosh, not at all! i appreciate your advice as someone with far more relevant life experience and it means a lot you're looking out for others to stop them making the same mistakes! i know i can get myself to a state where i'm either significantly less dependent or (fingers crossed) completely not addicted. it's mainly a product of where my life is at right now and my depression being around every corner but it's not going to be this way forever and hopefully not much longer :) i've done a lot of research, i'm as safe as i can be, and i'm confident i'm not doing myself more damage than i would be were i not acting as i was. if i wasn't in this set of behaviours, i'd likely be harming myself in much worse ways or taking it out elsewhere. i also don't have a general drug curiosity or anything, i'm completely not interested in taking any substances that come with instant physical risk or risk of overdose etc, i just use what i do to get by.

tl;dr just thanks for looking out for me, it means a lot and you're not being overbearing, i promise you c:

 

[Fairy]

Mostly the inability to control my emotions.

Now all the people I used to call friends act like I'm horribly evil and beyond repent, I can get the anger but I get it so much that I'm starting to believe this treatment is deserved, that it's my just desserts.

Ah, I understand. :(

I'm sorry your friends are being so unsympathetic. It can be so hard to control emotions driven by any kind of dysfunction.. Have you tried maybe educating them about your specific illness? Maybe they would be more receptive if they understood it better?

 

[Dragon]

I... wanna touch up on more about my depression issues, and... about something else - I've never really told anyone this story before, but there was a time, during my depression episode, I just... had to question my existence. I wondered... what other people would think if I suddenly passed away. Not because I... I wanted to test it, it's just, sometimes when I thought to myself, everything was... too much, knowing that there was a way out... kinda helps. My family members always had a distinct purpose in life; they didn't even have to think about it - they were like born like that, but I just... I just couldn't. No matter how much I tried, I'm ignored, forgotten about, and... felt unappreciated. Like, imagine living your life with no purpose no thrill, excitement, joy, anger, love... I was like an empty shell, realizing that there was no meaning to my existence. If I was gone, people would move on, and I would find my peace.

One time, I did really think about doing it - I thought, maybe drinking something or doing overdose of something could let me go in peace rather than just...stabbing myself, but, at the same time it just felt so... frustrating, just dying like that. My mind entered a constant state of flux and I couldn't go through with it in the end. I did seek help, visiting therapy during my own time, but I couldn't really talk to anyone about my feelings. People I've known were too judgmental, and I felt they wouldn't really understand.

So um... yeah. I guess I wanted to share my story because, I wanted to spread a message... if you're going through dark times, if you're going through depression, anxiety, fear, and even having those dark thoughts in your mind, I just wanted to say, you're not alone in this. Because I've been through those times too, and I'm still battling dark emotions. I think sharing my story really helps and I hope others don't feel intimidated to do so either.

If no one else, I'll be here for you.
Always.

 

[Fairy]

:( Shawn... <3

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I'm sure many people here with clinical depression can relate. It's okay to have moments of weakness and I think your last paragraph is very powerful. People who are suffering with mental illness aren't alone and winding one's perspective to the experiences of others can be very liberating in a way.

That's actually another thing I wanted to mention in this thread. If anyone is struggling and doesn't have the money to commit to therapy or medication, I can help find resources for you in your area. There's free groups out there if you know where to look and I'll happily assist in finding some that might be a good fit for you. ♡


As for myself.. it's yet another month and once again time for me to inundate myself with plentiful Xanax. The whole cycle of "can I be trusted with these?" exacerbates my anxiety so much that I end up taking one just to try to erode that terrible feeling. The very idea of having it throws me into fits but at the same time I get such frequent and intense panic attacks / trauma responses that it would be dangerous for me to not have it.

I just hate this merry-go-round of actually needing drugs that I used to use recreationally and being terrified that i won't be able to control myself. :(

 

[DragonKing48]

For anyone struggling, I offer a bit of simple but deep, quick wisdom:

"It gets easier every day. You just gotta keep doing it...THAT'S the hard part."

 

[User Anon 1848]

Does anyone else here find that their mental health worsens when following current events? I've been trying to pay less attention to worldly issues in 2020 since this year has been crappy enough on a personal basis. News is usually shoved in your face one way or another though. This isn't a commentary on this forum by the way, just the internet in general.

 

[DragonKing48]

Hence the saying "Turn off the news..."💡🤷*♂️

 

[Fairy]

Does anyone else here find that their mental health worsens when following current events? I've been trying to pay less attention to worldly issues in 2020 since this year has been crappy enough on a personal basis. News is usually shoved in your face one way or another though. This isn't a commentary on this forum by the way, just the internet in general.

Most definitely, yes. This whole covid business really threw me into a tailspin in regards to my anxiety and ocd, and it's only seems to be getting worse as election season nears closer. The amount of "what if's" and "oh god no's" is enough to drive anyone crazy. And turning off the news isn't always a viable option when it's so important to be up to date on the major events sweeping the nation (or in my case, America) on a regular basis. Even the bloody weather is enough to set me on edge.

I've found doing grounding exercises helps quite a bit. Maybe I should make a resource post on how to do these techniques and different breathing exercises that people can follow when they're feeling overwhelmed..

 

[Corrin]

I'm extremely depressed, and honestly my depression has not ceased since it first started in 2002. I think I'm a lost cause.

EDIT: like in terms of my depression, I want to be happy and motivated again ;_;

 

[Caite-chan]

I guess I'll add my story to the list because I've been dealing with this for a few years. I started having at least one bad seizure a year and when I mean bad I mean I've passed out behind the wheel while driving. The first one I had Mom with me and she was able to get her leg between mine to hit the breaks and drive up onto the curb and hit a tree. I came out with a simple scratch on the side of my foot Mom on the other hand looked like I beat the hell out of her after a few days.

The second one I was on my way home from work and literally a mile from home and started feeling funny and knew I had to stop the car but couldn't make my body do what I wanted it to. Thank god it was almost midnight and not many people on the road. I was coming off the freeway and went through the light and down the bankment and flipped the car nose over. I landed on the walking trail behind my park that I live in. My OnStar called 911 and I was able to climb out of the back window and back up the hill and use my flashlight on my phone to get the cops attention. I had a 4 inch gash below my kneecap that got 17 stitches. The funniest part about that is I get a gash in my kneecap but not even a scratch on my pants because I tend to wear Dickies.

The last one was I took the car in to get new tires and walked around downtown for an hour playing Pokemon Go while I wanted and then came back and sat down and then next thing I know I'm in the back of the ambulance. Apprently I screamed and stuck my legs out and my hands straight up in the air. Gave the guys a good scare...lol.

The issue with having these is I'm not allowed to drive for 6 months each time in case it were to happen again. Which never did always happened again 8 or 9 months later. Though this last time my insurance won't insure me until I get my testing done which I was getting ready to do until COVID. The other problem is I can't come and go whenever I want to or if I want or need to go somewhere I have to rely on someone to take me. Not gonna lie that's the worst thing is being stuck at home and having to rely on others to take you places while not feeling like a burden on others. Although I have been seziure free for little over a year now. :D