Help & Advice Thread

[天 (Caine)]

First of all, thank you so much for your replies. It's really given me a well-needed fresh look at things.

Spoiler:

It's going to hurt for months, and there is no way to cheat the system and avoid the emotional repercussions of being so close to someone and having them crash out of your life. It's not at all right of her to have done that in such a sudden and cruel manner to you, but there's no point getting mad about it.

Personally I'd probably want a little closure and would actually talk to her in a couple of weeks in your shoes. They say the best way to face your fears is to overcome them directly, and I think it's the same for your emotional pain. Even if she's really unpleasant to you... that might make it easier to handle in the grand scheme of things.

There'll be a time, maybe months, maybe even a year or so where you'll feel everything is fine again, and you'll play games and reflect on it as the happy time it was rather than feeling bitter and upset about it. I can only wish you all the best with moving on from this.

I really wish I could cheat that system, but you're right, it just takes time. I really think I have all the closure that I need, I have no desire to speak to her again but it doesn't make it hurt any less. She's out of my life, and I want to keep it that way. If we both come to an agreement and get back together, she'll do this all over again. I'm still having dreams where her and I are together and things are normal, but they're getting better with each day. I just wish I could speed up the healing process so I can get back to doing what I love.

Spoiler:

I'm not going to pretend her story is your story. If we all had the same, exact experiences in life, we'd all see things and we all feel about things the same way. I've hope I've explained my experience. If it helps, she's gotten a four-year full ride to a top 100 school, and a new boyfriend. I don't even know how she did it. But I truly think love is a drug. Like any addiction, it takes time. There could be relapses, and you'll need to be strong through them. Get help, someone who can be there with you. If there's no one you can trust, get a psychologist, and make sure it's a good psychologist too. If you can't get a psychologist, try a shot in the dark. Maybe a co-worker, I don't know, I'm not living your life. I'm just rambling at this point.

But there is one thing I think I know. If video games are making you depressed, then maybe you shouldn't try to play video games now. You don't need to accelerate the healing process if it's going to drive you over the edge. You will be able to play video games one of these days, but it doesn't have to be today.

Yes, it does take time, I just wish it didn't. I'm going through phases of frustration and depression, but I'm trying to handle it in a healthy way. I just can't help but wonder if it was something that I've done to make her leave me, but I really don't know what that would be. I've done my absolute best to be THE perfect boyfriend, I never hit her, insulted her, or cheated on her in any way. I know that the issue is with her instead of me, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. Thank you for the recommendation of getting treated by professionals, I'm currently under the care of both a therapist and psychiatric nurse but my therapist is out of town until after Thanksgiving.

I guess I just want to speed things up and move on with my life without hurting like this. I'm trying to decide on whether or not to upload my rare Pokemon to the Pokemon Bank and just start with a fresh save on both my copy of Y and OR. I'm thinking about taking a vacation to be with my grandparents for a day or two, it certainly wouldn't be a bad idea.

Thank you both for your advice and kindness. It means a lot to me.

 

[LadyVenus]

Coping

Forgive me if this is in the wrong section, I didn't know where else to post it.

My family and I are currently coping with the fact that my grandfather is most likely going to be passing away soon. He has not eaten anything in over a month and is only living off of IV fluids and pain meds, and his breathing is labored now.

The reason I am posting this is to reach out for advice. I have personally never had to cope with a death before, and would like to know how you all have coped, or perhaps are coping at the moment.

Thank you very much in advance for any advice you all may provide!

Update: My grandpa passed away tonight. It was to be expected and am happy that he will no longer have to suffer.

 

[gimmepie]

Forgive me if this is in the wrong section, I didn't know where else to post it.

My family and I are currently coping with the fact that my grandfather is most likely going to be passing away soon. He has not eaten anything in over a month and is only living off of IV fluids and pain meds, and his breathing is labored now.

The reason I am posting this is to reach out for advice. I have personally never had to cope with a death before, and would like to know how you all have coped, or perhaps are coping at the moment.

Thank you very much in advance for any advice you all may provide!

Update: My grandpa passed away tonight. It was to be expected and am happy that he will no longer have to suffer.

I'm sorry for your loss. Honestly the only thing you can do to deal with the after-affects of the death of a loved one is to keep living your own life - work, hobbies etc and let time take its course.

 

[Daydream]

When I was still in school, I lost one of my friends. I think the best advice anyone can give is to take your time. No one gets to tell you how you grieve, or for how long you do it. You'll probably go through a range of emotions that are pretty new. I personally found that it helped to talk to someone - not just about what I was feeling but about the friend I lost. I also wrote her a letter - telling her that she would be missed and reflecting on memories.

But I honestly think that dealing with grief is an incredibly personal thing, and you should tackle it in your own way.

 

[Somewhere_]

How can I break it to my parents that I am pro gay rights?

I come from a Christian family, and I am a Christian too. I believe in equality, and have the facts to support my argument for Christianity and gay rights compatibility. http://libertarianchristians.com Surprisingly they took it well when I told them I have different political preferences being a hardcore Libertarian rather than Republican. However, I fear the time when they figure out that Libertarianism means being pro gay rights.

 

[gimmepie]

How can I break it to my parents that I am pro gay rights?

I come from a Christian family, and I am a Christian too. I believe in equality, and have the facts to support my argument for Christianity and gay rights compatibility. http://libertarianchristians.com Surprisingly they took it well when I told them I have different political preferences being a hardcore Libertarian rather than Republican. However, I fear the time when they figure out that Libertarianism means being pro gay rights.

I mean, it's not really necessary to tell them is it?
Otherwise the only real way is to just be honest about it.

 

[Somewhere_]

I mean, it's not really necessary to tell them is it?
Otherwise the only real way is to just be honest about it.

I would agree its not necessary. I guess Ill just wait until they figure it out and ill defend myself. I have this feeling they will mention it to me, and Ill have to say something haha. Maybe ill just come out and tell them eventually. Thanks for the help! :)

 

[Master Snowy]

General Trauma

Let's say I had an abusive childhood and I lived caged and helpless ever since. All I ever am at my house, is a maid. Long story short- I never get anything my way and I'm used to this 'Cinderalla' like life. So, I'm not ranting. I'm ok.

But, things look up at times.

(And this is not about me though, I'm just hypothetically saying 'cause it keeps occurring to me for a certain reason)

What if I marry a good guy who will free me from all this trauma?

My dad was abusive. So, I am traumatised by the sight of a guy at times and I am a girl. I am damn scared of men. So, I excercise and keep myself very strong. -This enables me to at least have normal conversations with men.

Now, what if I were to fall in love with a guy who comes from a clean and a high class society that knows no violence. He is peaceful and innocent.

Can I really make it with this guy or will my trauma always haunt me?

As I type this, it is currently 3 AM at my place.

I haven't slept for nights because my fear is very strong and is catching up to me. Especially the fear of what I have written above...

It's just sad isn't it- if I lose a good guy simply because I'm too traumatised in life?

This just haunts me because I do want to have a family and stuff... But, I'm so scared because my panic attacks get very real and ruin everything.

Medicine and doctors cannot help either.

How do we get out of such a situation? :)

(I need logical answers... Not answers that simply say "don't fall in love" or something like that. The situation above is that the girl has already fallen in love and wants to make a life with the guy... But, she is scared to reveal to him her scary past- which will keep an important part of who she is hidden from him)

If I were to share such a past with a guy I love, will he get scared and run away?

Such things just came to my mind and I felt the need to discuss them here.

Thanks guys! :)

Spoiler:

Let me know how you would handle it if a girl you love has had a traumatic life. Would you freak out and run away or stay strong and hold her hand?

 

[Universe]

This topic's pretty deep so I'll put it here instead.

 

[Sun]

snip

Who ever tells you to not fall in love is rather foolish, that's a feeling that gets in; not something you can control (similar too, when a person falls out of love).

Back to the main topic, this is what I'm saying: If a person loves you, he/she should love you regardless the financial condition, hair and skin color, height, weight, your past and so on.

If this person leaves you because of your past, that person isn't worth your time; move on.

So don't be afraid on being honest, hiding or lying can be destructive when it comes to relationship, particularly lying.

 

[Psychic]

What if I marry a good guy who will free me from all this trauma?

My dad was abusive. So, I am traumatised by the sight of a guy at times and I am a girl. I am damn scared of men. So, I excercise and keep myself very strong. -This enables me to at least have normal conversations with men.

Now, what if I were to fall in love with a guy who comes from a clean and a high class society that knows no violence. He is peaceful and innocent.

Can I really make it with this guy or will my trauma always haunt me?
...
It's just sad isn't it- if I lose a good guy simply because I'm too traumatised in life?

This just haunts me because I do want to have a family and stuff... But, I'm so scared because my panic attacks get very real and ruin everything.

Medicine and doctors cannot help either.

It sounds like the crux of your question is: "Will I be able to have a normal life in spite of my trauma?"

The answer isn't an easy one. Yes, you could go on to live a happy, "normal" life - but only if you are able to overcome your trauma, and that requires help.

It sounds like what happened to you had a very deep impact on you, who you are and the way you act. That is awful, and I am so sorry to hear that. It's hard to deal with that kind of stuff on your own. Luckily, there are professionals out there who are trained in helping people just like you, and with their guidance you can overcome your trauma. If you don't resolve this with the help of a counsellor or therapist with the right knowledge and experience, you won't know how to get better. I know it sounds scary, but you've survived so well for this long, and having that extra help will go a long way in the road to recovery.

It sounds like you're thinking a lot about men and love, and it's great that you want to have a healthy relationship, but remember that romance isn't the be-all-end-all; there are other things in life you should focus on. Plus, as Sun said, if anyone stops loving you just because of what you've endured, they are not a good person you should spend time with!

I hope you can find a mental health professional who can help you through this, because it's just too much to try and deal with on your own.

~Psychic

 

[Kaiyu]

I have this obstacle that's in front of me and I don't know how to overcome it. I should be more specific so you know what I mean right...? In my elementary to middle school years I was always picked on and bullied because I was "different" compared to others. Because of this I have lost the ability to trust people. I distant myself from others because I don't want to get close to them. The problem is I want to. I never had an actual real life friend. I just have an online friend. I have only one question...

My question is: "Is it possible to re-learn how to trust people? If there is a way what's the first step that I have to take?"

 

[Master Snowy]

Rather than learning to trust others first, we must trust our own capabilities.

Why are you so afraid to trust others? Example: if you had to trust someone to keep your 100$, you probably won't do it. But, if you trust in your own self about the 100$ and say that it is hard to earn money, but I can fight for it or at least, earn it back. Then, don't fear.

^That example could be wrong in many ways. But, I'm trying to give an instance of what I mean.

Simply trust people, not because they are saints, but because you are strong enough to. Say what's to lose? And you'll get there. (Unless it is something too important or complicated to trust someone with. Then, stay away and take your time)

This is something that works for me and it is the only thing I could think of. So, I hope this helps you, Kyo! : )

Back to my own topic:

@Universe: Thank you for moving my topic! :)

@Sun: If I was lost earlier, your answer was very reassuring to read. And it also gave me a few ideas I could try. So, thank you so very much, Sun!

@Psychic: Wow, that was such a mature, well thought out and composed answer! 0.0 Thank you SO very much, Psychic! I needed to read something mature like this for my situation. It is very reassuring and I have a few ideas on mind that I can try out in order to make this situation better now. So, thank you.. : )

Extra Note:

The problem comes in because there are no therapists, etc in my city, it is under-developed. So, I have to wait till I have grown up and have had enough money to move out and find a good therapist for myself.

I tried online therapy once, but it didn't work out well. But no problem there. I'll think of something. So meh, that's ok! : p I've got it from here, hopefully.

And thank you Soo very much to ALL of you guys! I just LOVE this place! X) :D :D :)

 

[Kaiyu]

Rather than learning to trust others first, we must trust our own capabilities.

Why are you so afraid to trust others? Example: if you had to trust someone to keep your 100$, you probably won't do it. But, if you trust in your own self about the 100$ and say that it is hard to earn money, but I can fight for it or at least, earn it back. Then, don't fear.

^That example could be wrong in many ways. But, I'm trying to give an instance of what I mean.

Simply trust people, not because they are saints, but because you are strong enough to. Say what's to lose? And you'll get there. (Unless it is something too important or complicated to trust someone with. Then, stay away and take your time)

This is something that works for me and it is the only thing I could think of. So, I hope this helps you, Kyo! : )

Thank you for trying Snowy. I really appreciate it. Why am I afraid with trusting people? It's because I have minor polio. I'm not confined to a wheelchair if that's what you were thinking. I'm able to walk but I can't walk long distances. When I walk I limp a little and I get laughed at and others try to imitate me. I can fall very easily because I have very poor balance and they use that to their advantage. I've broken both arms and legs in school twice. My life before reaching high school was nothing but pain and torture. It literally scarred and shattered me. The damage that was done to me has never healed. This is why I cannot trust anyone. If you were to put yourself in my shoes then you would know how hard my life is.

 

[Psychic]

I have this obstacle that's in front of me and I don't know how to overcome it. I should be more specific so you know what I mean right...? In my elementary to middle school years I was always picked on and bullied because I was "different" compared to others. Because of this I have lost the ability to trust people. I distant myself from others because I don't want to get close to them. The problem is I want to. I never had an actual real life friend. I just have an online friend. I have only one question...

My question is: "Is it possible to re-learn how to trust people? If there is a way what's the first step that I have to take?"

Having polio, even if it's minor, must be really hard, and I'm sorry to hear that it's been a struggle for you. It sounds like you're still in high school, so I just want to say first that kids and teens can be absolutely terrible when it comes to bullying. There definitely should have been teachers disciplining anyone who did that, and more education, since most kids don't understand what it's like to live with polio.

Learning to trust people ca be very hard, especially when you're so used to getting hurt. The important thing about trust is that it doesn't always come easily, and that's normal. You shouldn't trust every person you meet with big things 100% of the time. Start with little things. Find an extra-curricular activity or class outside of school, and slowly get to know people there. Sharing small, personal details about ourselves to other people is a little way of showing and building trust. Start small, then work your way up. It's okay if you only have an online friend - some of my best friends in high school were internet friends! But I also did theatre in high school, which helped me meet people, and I made a lot of great friends because of it who I trust deeply to this day. :>

@Psychic: Wow, that was such a mature, well thought out and composed answer! 0.0 Thank you SO very much, Psychic! I needed to read something mature like this for my situation. It is very reassuring and I have a few ideas on mind that I can try out in order to make this situation better now. So, thank you.. : )

Extra Note:

The problem comes in because there are no therapists, etc in my city, it is under-developed. So, I have to wait till I have grown up and have had enough money to move out and find a good therapist for myself.

I tried online therapy once, but it didn't work out well. But no problem there. I'll think of something. So meh, that's ok! : p I've got it from here, hopefully.

And thank you Soo very much to ALL of you guys! I just LOVE this place! X) :D :D :)

You're welcome! I'm not an expert, but I am fairly knowledgeable about this stuff. Definitely try out your ideas!

Wow, having no therapists in your city makes things a lot harder. Are you in school? Many schools have guidance counsellors who can help you out, and may even have resources to help you reach other professionals. You can also try asking at your local community centre or place of worship (church/synagogue/mosque). I hope you can find something until you can move out and find your own therapist, even if it's just online or group counselling.

~Psychic

 

[gimmepie]

Thank you for trying Snowy. I really appreciate it. Why am I afraid with trusting people? It's because I have minor polio. I'm not confined to a wheelchair if that's what you were thinking. I'm able to walk but I can't walk long distances. When I walk I limp a little and I get laughed at and others try to imitate me. I can fall very easily because I have very poor balance and they use that to their advantage. I've broken both arms and legs in school twice. My life before reaching high school was nothing but pain and torture. It literally scarred and shattered me. The damage that was done to me has never healed. This is why I cannot trust anyone. If you were to put yourself in my shoes then you would know how hard my life is.

Generally speaking there's a lot of terrible people in the world but that doesn't mean everyone is going to be that way. If you want to start having trusting relationships with people easier, you're going to need to make the conscious choice to put yourself out there so you can experience first hand that not everyone is like those that mistreated you.

Being open about your polio is a good idea as well. People tend to be more accepting of difference when they understand it and you don't make it taboo.

 

[curiousnathan]

This will sound so cliche but it's something that I live by. It's totally okay to be different. We all have our quirks and faults but at the end of the day, if you put yourself out there I guarantee you, you will find someone who really likes you for who you are. Such a stigma is placed on having differences, when really more of us just need to embrace them. It's what makes us interesting; mysterious.

I don't trust many people if any at all, but that doesn't mean I can't make friends or confide in people. I just know who to confide to and about what. I think it's important that you first trust in yourself and embrace who you are and then put yourself out there and meet new people. It sounds easier than it is I know, but if you're persistent, confident, and always remember that being different isn't something to be ashamed of, you'll find yourself in a much happier and more productive situation.

Pity those who are all the same. Not those who choose to embrace their quirks.

 

[Master Snowy]

Thank you for trying Snowy. I really appreciate it. Why am I afraid with trusting people? It's because I have minor polio. I'm not confined to a wheelchair if that's what you were thinking. I'm able to walk but I can't walk long distances. When I walk I limp a little and I get laughed at and others try to imitate me. I can fall very easily because I have very poor balance and they use that to their advantage. I've broken both arms and legs in school twice. My life before reaching high school was nothing but pain and torture. It literally scarred and shattered me. The damage that was done to me has never healed. This is why I cannot trust anyone. If you were to put yourself in my shoes then you would know how hard my life is.

What insensitive FREAKS do you live with, KYO? D:< That is COMPLETELY intolerable! It's unacceptable.. I can't explain it!

Especially in 'school' too? Weren't there teachers to fine the bullies?

We have very strict laws at schools and colleges in my place. So, bullies don't normally get away with things.

And I've been in your shoes. So, I know what you mean. But, my school had thoroughly safe-guarded me from exterior hardships.

(I won't tell you in what way I'm similar to you because, I can be reserved about these things at times. But, just understand that I know what you mean and I can feel it.)

Also, stay strong..

You're not one of those low-lives.

You are exalted and superior in terms of knowing what life can really be.

You have to walk out there with a big chest and do what you're there for and follow your dreams!

Ignore the hatred and don't get side-tracked is all I have to say.

Of all the people, you should be the last to feel so sensitive about your condition.

Go out there and show who's boss!

And I wish I was there with you so we could both show people who's boss. We could have been great real-life friends...

But, I think you can stand on your own feet and not need my shoulder too. But, I'm still always right here if you ever need me! : )

You're welcome! I'm not an expert, but I am fairly knowledgeable about this stuff. Definitely try out your ideas!

Wow, having no therapists in your city makes things a lot harder. Are you in school? Many schools have guidance counsellors who can help you out, and may even have resources to help you reach other professionals. You can also try asking at your local community centre or place of worship (church/synagogue/mosque). I hope you can find something until you can move out and find your own therapist, even if it's just online or group counselling.

~Psychic

Once again, thank you very much, Psychic. Your words of concern just make my day! : )

And yeah, my city is like that.. But hey, I think I can get around it now... :)

I was just searching for a clue and was feeling overwhelmed, but coming to this thread helped me rewire a lot of things. ^.^

 

[Kaiyu]

Thanks again Snowy. I don't have answers to your questions. Well just for the "insensitive freaks" and "in school" part. Nobody in school bothered to help me. They just stood there, watched me and laughed. The sound of my crying alerted nearby teachers. If I didn't cry the teachers wouldn't have come. I'll try my best to do that. It's not going to be easy though.

Edit: @Psychic & gimmepie: You both ninja'd me lol. I didn't see your posts. Anyway thanks to the both of you for replying. I will try my best to keep them in mind.

 

[MiracleGhost47]

I would like an explanation for the definition of the "4/25" rule.