[Life] Mental health club

[Zeostar]

I had the fear of abandonment longest time, and it caused me so much anxiety. I had a friend who I opened up about it with, who had promised multiple times over two years they would never 'abandon me'. Unfortunately, that's exactly what happened.

I gave up any attachment towards others. I still enjoy speaking with people, but I tend to view every friendship as 'crossing paths' with somebody. Temporary. While it might sound sad, gaining this attitude has massively reduced my anxiety.

 

[Corrin]

Similar has happened to me, way more times than I can count, and have often felt the same.

Also, making friends at all is hard to do for me but I don't want relationships alone to control how I see myself. We can't change others, so I'm working on myself and how I communicate and approach them.

 

[Megan]

I never had any meaningful connections with others. Growing up in a dysfunctional family didn't help, especially since I didn't even manage to get attached to my parents, which is usually a requirement for future bonding...
I only ever grew attached to one person. It lead to probably the most happiest weeks of my life until I realized that the feelings were not reciprocated. Things went sour and lead to years of torment.

Browsing online communities can be a huge pain, sometimes. Be it because of people making friends easily, or be it about people who find others and end up being engaged or married, etc.
The whole pairing and PC family thing for example is really messing with me currently. <_<

And yeah: I too have this issues where I want to talk to someone but right at that moment I'm already aware that this won't last for long and they will move on, leaving me in the dust...

 

[Sheep]

Aww I want to give you all hugs ;-; I know it's not much, but I really do value all of you individually, and very truly think you've been incredibly standout and wonderful here.

I've been stressed lately. Mind has just been everywhere and I've been hyper focusing on future stresses and even worrying about stuff that probably won't ever happen. I hate how fixated my mind can get on things. Sigh. The tenseness in your chest is always so awful from it too.

 

[Hisuitake]

This hits a little too close to home, tbh. Never getting that feeling of having a deep bond with anyone, except that one time, but then it turns into the most heartbreaking event in your life, I mean. Trust me when I tell you, that there's at least one other person who can relate to that in some way. <_<


Do you truly accept yourself? Sometimes I get the feeling that you actually don't. Even worse: it feels like you outright refuse yourself at times and may even reflect that onto other people.
Even if you may think otherwise: people want you here. But at the same time most of us are barely able to deal with our own problems. And even those who are better at managing their own life might be a little hesitant. Not because they don't like you, but because they're afraid; afraid that they may do something inappropriate, afraid that they could hurt you.
We ware no psychologists or therapists, we are all just oversized children who like talking about cute little critters that live in tiny balls. ^^"


I think you've said that PC is somewhat of a save haven for you. And I've also noticed that sometimes small fragments of your true personality shine through in your posts. It's those upbeat, full of energy, really cutesy posts that you sometimes make.
But I've also seen posts of you where every single word felt like you are crying out in pain. This happens every time when you start talking about your mental health problems. It feels like whenever one of these posts happen the save haven you found suddenly turns into a very hurtful place to you.
If you were to leave and were to look for a different place in hopes of finding another save haven: wouldn't the same happen there as well? Wouldn't you just be running away from yourself? Leaving behind those who truly want to know you?

We may all think differently and behave differently and some people may think and act in ways that no "normal" person could ever understand. But at least in one aspect do we all agree: we care about you and want only the best for you. But we want the best for _you_ and not for whoever else is trying to control you.

Thank you Megan for what you all said to me, I appreciateit alot. It is true since I'm and no one is perfect that my self esteem still can be low at times as well learning to fully accept myself as well. I am 100% a lot better than I once was now almost 5 years ago and learned a lot since then and changed as a person as well to be more positive and optimistic about things. However like anyone I'll have bad to not good days like what I wrote last on here. I was going through a hard time what I wrote last on here and felt how I did since I still have a extremely long road of healing to do. Being away from PC I've been doing things I used to love doing that made me happy as well focus on my physical health as well which is really good for me and great my therapist said part of my recovery.

From the advice from my therapist as well my sister I'll come on here again and see what happens. I'm going be my truth authentic self with everyone and if people don't like it oh well I suppose there loss. I might not always be online since I like me time as well so we will see what happens from now on. Thank you for reaching out and caring.

I think feeling this way is understandable. When you have a large forum and community such as this one, its easy to fall under those feelings of being unwanted. But those are merely your own thoughts, and they don't represent the opinions of others. When you actively post on things such as the "Emotion Topic", and the "What Are You Doing" topic, it's even easier to fall into feeling this way. You have so many people jumping in and out of those topics, It's easy for what you post to go unnoticed. But it has nothing to do with you personally. I'm not a huge fan of those topics, as I often feel like posts are white noise. It's nice to get a thought or two out, but I never carry an expectation for a response.

From my perspective, it seems like you integrated yourself strongly into the community in a very short time span. Much better than I ever had, or still have. It's admirable.

I see and also thank you Zeo for your advice as well I appreciate it just as much. Thank you for caring and for the compliment.

 

[Corrin]

I'm kind of stressing because my provinces adult mental health support is nonexistent so they're trying to get me out.
After less than a year.

It's sad because in Ontario, I had my psychiatrist for 2 years and he was very helpful, eugh.

 

[Starlight]

I'm kind of stressing because my provinces adult mental health support is nonexistent so they're trying to get me out.
After less than a year.

It's sad because in Ontario, I had my psychiatrist for 2 years and he was very helpful, eugh.

I really feel for you!

I'm having a similar situation right now. I've been in therapy so long that I get kicked out constantly, only to end up back there at a later date, with all the progress lost. I just wish it wasn't right now, you know? I'm struggling probably more than I ever have, and I'm so low that I really wish I didn't exist a lot of the time.

Anyway, enough about me, I'm just trying to say that I know how it feels, and it really sucks. Hard.

What is the process for you to get back in, if you still need help? Can you get referred again?

 

[Corrin]

You can but it takes a year for your appointment.
There is literally no adult mental health help here, it's so maddening. I wonder how many people harm or kill themselves while waiting all that time for help?
And then when I went to the local emergency room the doctors and nurses mocked me.

Personally, I don't think I'm as bad as others. I'd willingly give my spot to someone struggling worse.

 

[Starlight]

You can but it takes a year for your appointment.
There is literally no adult mental health help here, it's so maddening. I wonder how many people harm or kill themselves while waiting all that time for help?
And then when I went to the local emergency room the doctors and nurses mocked me.

Personally, I don't think I'm as bad as others. I'd willingly give my spot to someone struggling worse.

That's not appropriate under any circumstances 😡

Yeah, a lot of people unfortunately never get to see someone, and I always feel the same about taking up a place, but we always tell ourselves that other people's problems are worse than our own. I have spent many years doing just that :(

A problem is a problem. You deserve help as much as anyone else :)

 

[Megan]

The worst part of waking up in the night: getting into random thoughts and then realizing that it is time to get up. That has been happening the last couple nights. I'm always so stuck in my head <_<

 

[Corrin]

That happens to me sometimes! I usually try and reassure myself and rest a bit.
Personally, I never actually complete a full sleep cycle due to a health issue, and it's even harder to get back to sleep.

 

[Megan]

Sleep is a rather interesting topic, tbh. Apparently in the modern age basically everybody seems to have some sort of sleeping problem.
Fun fact: the eight hours of sleep "rule" isn't even that old. It was introduced during the Industrialization when someone decided to split the day into three phases (8 hours of work, 8 hours of freetime and 8 hours of sleep).
I wouldn't be surprised if that is not the optimal way to go about sleeping. This seems like a topic well worth looking into, scientifically. Preferably by people who don't work for the industry.

Also, question: I've been thinking about my "thought processes". If I spend a lot of time thinking about stuff, you'd imagine there a lot of thoughts to come together. But no: actually, a lot of it is just the same thoughts basically on repeat, albeit with variations in word usage an such.
Is that a normal thing? Or am I just weird?

 

[Corrin]

I have an appt with my doctor which will hopefully help.
Sleep is important for mental health as well.

For thinking about things multiple times? No. I sometimes do.

 

[Fairy]

Sleep usually avoids me since that's when my racing thoughts seem to be at their peak. But medication has definitely helped, along with talk therapy.

Good luck with your appointment Sandalphon. It's a tough process but I believe you'll find something that works for you. <3

 

[Corrin]

Ty! If I get a good night's sleep I imagine I'll be too powerful.

 

[Megan]

@Dawn
I do admit that I don't really know what to say. Clearly, I'm simply not able to fathom the pain and suffering you must go through. I can relate to the "only useful as a tool for others but aware that it doesn't make you happy", I suppose. And of course the darker sentiments.

I think the reason why you're still here is because you want to be here. Even your stubborn side, that seemingly tries to portrait you as the opposite of who you are, can't do anything about that. But that stubborn side also gets in your way as it depicts both you and the people around you in a completely wrong way.

Just consider that other people have their own opinions and that you simply cannot know for sure that nobody likes you. If they say they like you and want you around then it is more likely that what they say is the truth. You just need to accept that. We may not all act in a way that makes you believe it, but that doesn't change the fact that it is still the truth.

There's some selfishness in your words, but that's fine. It's just a normal human trade. So is making mistakes and trust me on this: people make a lot of mistakes. Especially when it comes to communication. Sometimes we say something in a certain way that simply gets completely misunderstood. Was it because we picked the wrong words? Was it because they had a bad day and are easily angered? This is stuff we often times never find an answer for. I for one have this constant feeling of saying something that makes others start ignoring me which does not play well with my constant feeling of isolation and causes me to constantly apologize for practically nothing. <_<

I think you should be a little more lenient on yourself. Be nice to yourself and allow others to have opinions you simply cannot know while making yourself aware that many of those opinions are positive or at least neutral towards you. And fuck those haters, they don't deserve your presence anyway! Dx

I always feel like I'm the worst at giving advice, so sorry for messing up. I really try my best! <_<

 

[Starlight]

Redacted

Hey Dawn! Just wanted to offer up one thought: You could give your password for any place you really need a break from to someone you trust to keep safe, then delete it from your database. That way you always have the option to return there if you really wanted to in the future, without the ability to log on in the meantime :)

*hugs*

 

[Zeostar]

Its so easy to fall into the trap of feeling that way with any form of social media. It's not specifically what @Dawn said, but on here you have the User Appreciation Thread and The Pairing Thread, inadvertently it's probably led some people into those same feelings. I've definitely felt that way with the discord. I'm too socially anxious to use it, but it also feels like where the cool people hang out.

 

[Megan]

I had three appointments during the last and this week. One where they just took some blood to check if it's a physical problem (which it wasn't and which I already knew), and two where they just asked a couple questions. The last one was the actual psychologist. They just went through a bunch of questions, gave some sheets with more questions that I'm supposed to fill out until the next appointment.

And now I have to wait another six weeks for the next appointment. <_<

I already started filling those out and tbh. some of them were so dumb that I even started writing stupid comments on there as well. I wonder what that's gonna get me. ^^"

 

[Venonat in Space]

Okay. I put this off long enough. Time to join the mental health club. I have huge confessions about fatigue.

Spoiler:

Well, i'm visiting my relatives for a month on the west side of the country (crazy I know), but this is where it gets crazier. These relatives are not just any relatives. It's actually my biological father and his wife. Yes my parents were divorced for the longest time (my biological mom and her husband live on the east coast with me in real life). Well it's been a tough year between Covid and discovering my sexuality (pretty sure i'm pan) and....I guess the switching of schools/programs? It's just, during day 2 of the trip, this guy I liked texted me and is like "well I guess I like you now so I guess we're dating." but lately, he's been so emotionally draining (especially since this trip is lasting a whole month) and it's taking away my enjoyment of the trip. I hate to do this so early in the relationship, but I have to break it off. Also, i've been falling in love with a couple of women lately. Firstly, i've had a crush my brother's girlfriend before this trip started (he's still working on the east coast he didn't come on this trip), and now I have a crush on....don't get mad at me....my father's wife. I felt so so safe with her to the point where I physically fear my father. I mean he literally did NOTHING wrong except show parental love. And here I am crushing on his wife. I don't think I have a phobia of men (I looked up the term on google and too lazy to type it out), but i've just felt so safe with his wife. Pretty sure all the girls I mentioned are straight, besides the point. His wife said something like i've been under so much stress with Covid that i'm releasing cortisol (a stress hormone) so that's why i'm so fatigued this whole trip. Ever since ignoring this guy I wanted to date, i've been relaxed, but super fatigued. I've been sleeping in and going to bed early. She said i'll even out emotionally in a day or two. I hope she's right. But poor dad. He's innocent, yet secretly targeted. I think at this point, I favor women over men. My life is a mess. I'm supposed to be on vacation, and here I am typing about my love life DURING this time. Help.

I know a lot of this belongs in the LGBTQ club, but the stress with Covid last year I think played a huge part to my fatigue. I just didn't feel like typing out my entire March 2020-May 2021. Ya know. Which I could basically summarize into...

Spoiler:

Sleepless nights last summer, quarantine, school/program.

Well since i'm being an open book....

Spoiler:

Surprise. I have Autistic Spectrum Disorder. And my real age is 34 years old. AND I HATE BOTH THOSE FACTS!

Well, that last spoiler took forever and a day to confess. I know some people here have it, and, hey i'm here for ya.

Am I going to get banned for the age thing? I'm no predator. Just hella confused.

I know i'm going to regret posting this. *closes eyes and clicks "post"*