'Fitting In' with the crowd

[Zeostar]

How well/How easily do you blend into groups or crowds? Do you find it easy to assimilate? Do you have any group you feel comfortable around? (Be it a workplace or school).

When it comes to groups, I definitely feel like a black sheep. It doesn't bother me anymore, and for the most part it's something I came to accept about myself.

Of course, I went through a phase where I really craved that sense of belonging. I joined a couple of small twitch channel communities, was hanging out with other neighborhood teenagers, joined a class in my high school where we went out and got involved in the community doing social work, joined an after school club for video games. Buuuut it never worked out, when it came to being in a group I still felt like a big outcast. I would always end up becoming close with only one or two people from the group, some of who I still keep in contact with.

(and some who I fell off with because I've only gotten better at being responsive in the last couple years).

 

[Devalue]

Real-life
Blends into crowds fairly well. Fits a common profile for this area. Considers that a merciful privilege.

Joins groups without too much trouble. Matches the energy—for better or worse—or hangs in the background quietly.

Ends there for being part of the group, however. Sticks out after the passing contact phase, for some reason or another. (Misinterprets emotions quite often. Voices things like "waves" and "shrugs" sometimes for a reason.) Remains part of the group, but only loosely. Refers to this role as the "satellite". Wanders into their orbit for some time. Maintains distance. Exits eventually, due more to circumstance than conscious decision.

Forms these contacts largely out of survival. Preys upon loners.

Online
Stares. Poorly.

Enters groups with decent success. Establishes a shared interest instantly. Helps. Reacts favorably to politeness with some meekness. (Has limits, though. Was shut down by a moderator somewhere else before posting. Read their rule about requiring proper English. Messaged them asking how strict the rule was. (Acknowledged this to be a dodgy first impression.) Upheld the rules, understandably. Bounced.)

Integrates into groups online better than real-life. Identifies one key difference: wanting to interact with other (sometimes). Wishes to be closer to others than before. Remains a loner by nature, of course. Harbors distrust from past experiences. Dreams about actually being accepted, fully and completely, one day. Is not willing to engage that deeply yet. (Would likely not be a great friend in return either.) Edges a bit closer, at least.

Takes time to shake the "outsider" feeling in online spaces. Walks into groups with long histories. Forms a unique culture. Feels out of touch with the group, naturally.

 

[colours]

whew, do i have a lot to say about this. i struggle to fit in both online and irl for somewhat similar reasons, interestingly enough.

for irl, it's because i'm really quiet (this has been noted by quite a few people). i just... don't hold conversation much, and that's how i've always been. perhaps it's social awkwardness, perhaps it's anxiety, or both, but i keep to myself and i'm not really extroverted like a lot of people i tend to know. the biggest reason people tend to gravitate towards me is because when i do interact with others, i have a very sunny and happy-go-lucky disposition and i'm generally pretty nice to everyone that i meet. i give them an energetic greeting, hold some small talk here and there, and that'd really be about it as far as social interaction goes but apparently that would be enough for most people to warm up to me since i seem to be all smiles and laughs. :o despite this, though, i struggle to maintain friendships due to aforementioned inability to maintain conversation and the fact that i'm very introverted, so... u_u

this introversion is actually mostly the reason why i feel like i don't tend to fit in online, too, unfortunately. the thing is, even though online i have the freedom to jump in and out of conversation, i often feel like despite my energetic nature, i feel pretty boring and i don't tend to have a ton to talk about. idk, maybe it's because in my head i tend to think the most interesting people tend to be more popular and fit in more, while i tend to be more reserved and don't talk much about things. my life's pretty boring and uneventful so i don't have that to talk about, and i'm not into a lot of popular media and movies. i just vibe and that's my thing.

there's also the mental illness aspect of it too, which plays a significant part of not being able to fit in online (as well as irl, but to a lesser degree since i can hide it, mostly). tl;dr anxiety/depression is a bitch and i feel like a burden to people a lot of the time so i constantly feel like some sort of outcast or disliked because of that. :s ah well.

 

[Hyzenthlay]

I really struggle to fit in because I was brought up in such a different way to everyone I meet. I was home-schooled and lived isolated in the country my whole life, so no friends or social gatherings or the like, and I didn't really learn what kids in schools learn. I dislike social media and don't keep up with memes/internet culture. I grew up in a single-parent family below Australia's poverty line (still live that way) which no-one so far has been able to empathise with, they just can't understand that even the most basic things are luxuries to us - like going out to eat, or buying clothes. So most people IRL judge without acknowledging the difficulties, further out-casting me.

Also, this is sort of a recent realisation, but I'm certain I have avoidant personality disorder. I really, really struggle with approaching people, I panic when left to keep a conversation, even if I seem calm. This is why I prefer crowds where I can rely on others to talk rather than be one-to-one. Oh, I definitely have social phobia, too, making me super super quiet - I've heard people ask my mother if I'm mute. :(

It's just, I seem to have a really different mindset to a lot of people, so I don't think I'll ever "fit in".

 

[Starlight]

I'm not someone who "fits in" no matter how hard I've tried over the years.

There are several reasons for this, being autistic is one (I actually have a diagnosis of AVPD as well, but I'm pretty sure that was misdiagnosed, since it was before I was diagnosed with autism).

Autism is called a spectrum for good reason, so I can only speak for myself, but my brain is wired quite differently to some peeps. It's something I can't change, no matter how hard I try. It just "is". I personally find it incredibly hard to communicate and interact with others. I have to try so hard at conversation, both on and offline, that it actually hurts. What comes naturally to most people, is incredibly hard work for me. I simply can't carry a conversation, because I just don't know what I'm supposed to say. Eye contact hurts and distresses me. Social cues and rules are a mystery to me. Intent and meaning are often lost on me too, which is why I use so many emoticons. Even then, I don't understand a lot of emojis people use on discord or social media, so I get lost with those too.

So there's that, but also my PTSD. I am absolutely terrified of people. I have an extremely traumatic past, which stopped me leaving the house at all for a very long time. I just find it hard to interact with people because I'm so scared.

Another issue is my upbringing. I am a country / farm girl. I grew up talking to sheep, cows, ducks and butterflies instead of people. Imagine a kid in wellies carrying a bucket, being followed around by hungry sheep and chickens, well that was me. Basically, I'm a child of nature, that was abused by people.

Throw it all together, mix in some LGBT stuff, and it's a perfect storm. So no, I really don't fit in. I'm not the sort to go to parties, but when/if I did, I'm the girl sitting in the kitchen alone. Being autistic, I did try to "mimic" others when I was younger. I attempted to fit in by doing things I didn't want to. I really wish I hadn't. I also wasted a massive portion of my life pretending to be someone I'm not, trying to be "normal". I regret that too.

Well I'm not normal, or weird, I'm just me. I know I'll never "fit in", but that's perfectly okay.

I know this isn't what this thread is about, but I do want to take a moment to thank my wonderful PC fam. You are simply the most wonderful bunch of people on the entire internet, there is nowhere else as warm and accepting as this, believe me, I've looked. The staff are wonderful, the members are so friendly, and if there's anywhere in the world I do "fit in", then it's right here, with you <3

 

[pkmin3033]

As a kid/teenager I used to find it easy to "fit in" online, and impossible offline. Ironically, now it's the complete opposite.

I'm not a sociable person by any definition, but in my experience it's not difficult to take part in a conversation with a group of adults if you have some knowledge of what that conversation is. People are less concerned with the social hierarchy/cliques etc. that basically define teenage interaction as long as you have something to contribute and you're polite or reasonable about it. At least in most circumstances. I expect in private it's another matter entirely, but in public settings, be it chatting on the street or in the office or whatever, it's really not all that difficult to take part in a conversation if you have something to say. Polite tolerance can be a wonderful thing. It can also be a nuisance if someone you dislike or don't want to hear from works their way into a conversation you're having with someone, but hey ho. Once you learn that people will not be paying as much attention to your perceived social gaffes as you will, won't attack you because they don't want to be seen as rude, and ultimately don't really give a damn about what you're saying because they're too concerned with their own self-image and how they present that to others, it's not difficult to interact with them with minimal discomfort. Which is how I would define "fitting in" as a concept, because it really is more about how you see yourself than how other people do.

Online I find it practically impossible to "fit in" with groups of people now because no matter how old people are, cliques run rampant in every group and I'm not a part of these, and since it's the internet where you can say whatever you want with barely any repercussions whatsoever if you're already a part of that clique, that polite tolerance that shields me from being shunned whenever I insert myself into a conversation offline doesn't exist. I haven't been welcome in any kind of social group online since my teenage years ended, funnily enough. I suppose it was because at that point the groups I had been a part of dispersed, and it's more difficult for me to "fit in" now than it was back then because I have a sense of identity. Basically, people who hate me (which is most people) are more likely to express that.

 

[ReKoil]

I pretty much always ended up standing out while growing up, when I just wanted to be left alone and avoid attention. I never really fitted in.
I just did me and let everyone else do them. Which would clash when for example class mates would try to peer pressure me. I can be stubborn as a mule and will absolutely not respond to that sort of thing at all. Which also clashed with the teachers when I decided I ain't getting up in front of the class anymore. Luckily all they could do was give bad grades for it as I already explained myself to my parents and they had my back.

As for currently at work, I don't often am at the depot at the same time as most of my coworkers, so there being a group of them is kinda rare; but the few times it did happen I'm not really fitting in either and just kinda dangle around. I'm very shy and pretty much try to avoid as much attention as possible.

 

[Zeostar]

I really struggle to fit in because I was brought up in such a different way to everyone I meet. I was home-schooled and lived isolated in the country my whole life, so no friends or social gatherings or the like, and I didn't really learn what kids in schools learn. I dislike social media and don't keep up with memes/internet culture. I grew up in a single-parent family below Australia's poverty line (still live that way) which no-one so far has been able to empathise with, they just can't understand that even the most basic things are luxuries to us - like going out to eat, or buying clothes. So most people IRL judge without acknowledging the difficulties, further out-casting me.

Also, this is sort of a recent realisation, but I'm certain I have avoidant personality disorder. I really, really struggle with approaching people, I panic when left to keep a conversation, even if I seem calm. This is why I prefer crowds where I can rely on others to talk rather than be one-to-one. Oh, I definitely have social phobia, too, making me super super quiet - I've heard people ask my mother if I'm mute. :(

It's just, I seem to have a really different mindset to a lot of people, so I don't think I'll ever "fit in".

The single parent stuff is actually super relatable.

There were many days I wouldn't even see my mother because she had to work double shifts from 6 in the morning until 10 PM at night. It meant getting myself awake and ready for school. Most of the time it meant dinner was just microwaving a frozen meal, sometimes if lucky she left cash out to phone a pizza order.

There were some kids observant enough to notice this stuff, asking why I had one pair of shoes, or wore my shirt several times in one week. I didn't obtain an actual phone until freshman year of highschool when I made summer money through mowing lawns. Up until that point, I had dealt with judgemental comments about having a flip phone.

Adding onto the single parent thing, my mother was and has not ever been a social person, nor did she ever care much for big social outings. I ended up with most aspects of her personality. She was still always very cordial when I did bring an occasional friend over. That wasn't until highschool, until around my 9th grade year I also dealt with rather heavy social anxiety. (Again she mentioned having the same thing). The school had even called her at one point out of concern of me not talking with many people, to which she opened up about dealing with the same thing in school, and that she wished the school would leave me in peace.

 

[Sheep]

Online it's easy enough, but offline? Mixed. I'm introverted and don't talk much unless prompted, or unless I feel particularly comfortable with the group of people (not often). It usually takes me quite a bit of time to adjust to people enough to feel like I 'fit in' with them. I'm super picky with friends haha. :D;;;

Sadly, as much as I hate standing out, sometimes my anxiety gets triggered (primarily thinking of at school/work) and then that makes me stand out to others with my nervousness, red face, etc. Happened a few times when I was forced to give presentations in uni and I started panicking over it, or when I got overwhelmed by a long line when working reception. It sucks and as a shy person I want nothing more to be shy without anxiety also getting in the way.

 

[Aslan]

I think it depends on how much time and energy I have to give to the particular group. When I was younger, I was a lot more extroverted and had a lot of time and energy to dedicate towards getting to know people so I knew more people on a closer level in the groups I was a part of. These days, I find that I'm extremely introverted. I can still fit in but in regard to getting to know people on a close level, it's a lot harder for me to build friendships than it was before as I just have much less energy to be active within groups/communities. I love people but I just need a lot of time to recharge. I think it's easier to get to know groups when I already know someone within that group beforehand though. If it was a group of new people I have a much higher chance of just listening in and feeling too nervous to join in.

The groups I do best in are people where we all collectively understand that we need time to be alone. My best friend group from school, we all will disappear sometimes but we're still tight because we understand it's not related to how close our friendship is at all. I don't do well when there is pressure placed on me to talk more so I do best in smaller, quieter groups. :D

 

[Corrin]

Oh I don't at all. I have a target on me.
It's why I'm afraid to befriend or put myself out there.