[Life] Mental health club

[Megan]

Been a while... firstly I hope all you lovelies are doing well 💗

I have been really struggling of late.

Life is such a fight for me right now, both mentally and physically. I'm in excruciating pain 24/7. My demons won't leave me alone either and I'm having to live through all the violation and brutality again and again every day. My therapist has also started chipping away at something I really don't want to tell her, and I'm scared of what is going to happen if it comes out completely. My home life consists almost entirely of loneliness and walking on eggshells too.

I just feel absolutely useless right now, and a complete burden. I am simply in the way. I'm trying my very best to stay optimistic, but I'm just so very tired and I'm starting to feel that the fight isn't worth it anymore.

It sucks that you have to go through those pains right now! D:

But please keep on fighting. You are not useless and in fact helped again and again other people to not lose their way. You're not standing in the way. You're that person that stands near it and tells everyone who feels lost which directions they could take. Don't confuse that with "standing in the way". :)

Being lonely sucks. If all the people who want to help and be there for you could visit you then there would probably not be a single spot left in your house. ^^"
You've done a lot of good and deserve a lot of good. Please stay strong. The good times will come back! <3

 

[Starlight]

Spoiler:

I'm sorry to hear about all of that but at the same time, I can't help but notice... you've already been through so much, you've already fought so bravely and got so far, and you seem to have many things you still look forward to and enjoy, no matter how trivial they might seem. You know, in that sense, don't make my own mistake...

Not to mention you're not useless and you're not a burden. Every single message of yours, even the gifs or the emojis, they helped me in one way or another and got a smile out of me! All of our interactions in Forum Games have been equally fun! And if you want to take a different spin on it... aren't we all kind of useless? We were not born with a goal or objective to fulfill already imposed onto us, we have to find that ourselves, and for all I know it can be as simple as doing what makes us happy and keep doing it for as long as our body lets us!

***

That said, I think it's about time I got to become more self-aware about my own issues, even those I can't explain with words or don't feel comfortable sharing here. I never really connected the dots, I was always very passive even when it came to look for help, but this has got to be the year where I try to change that about myself - because if there's something I realized is how pervasive these issues are. They affect me in perhaps every single aspect of my life, none excluded. I've probably already mentioned some: low self-esteem, being shy, being a catastrophist, but of course there's many more that I have to tackle and that will take a long time to come to terms with <3

I can only begin to imagine the scale of how much you go through in terms of your health, Taylor, and I know nothing I say will make that pain dwindle. If I could take a share of it, I would, because it's pain enough knowing such a beautiful, kind and compassionate soul as you is having to persevere through it. One thing I know is that you're a fighter. You have that spark of life in you. Please, treasure it. You've fought so bravely through everything you've had to endure. In fact, countless times you've risen above the fight in order to be there for so many others in their time of need. That is true courage and beauty. I am always marvelling at how you do it. You're such a radiant star shining on us all. We here could never see you as a burden, which I hope can bring some comfort at the very least. We love you here, Taylor.

Sending hugs to all those whose hearts need a little mending. 💝

It sucks that you have to go through those pains right now! D:

But please keep on fighting. You are not useless and in fact helped again and again other people to not lose their way. You're not standing in the way. You're that person that stands near it and tells everyone who feels lost which directions they could take. Don't confuse that with "standing in the way". :)

Being lonely sucks. If all the people who want to help and be there for you could visit you then there would probably not be a single spot left in your house. ^^"
You've done a lot of good and deserve a lot of good. Please stay strong. The good times will come back! <3

Today was a bad day.

I just can't stop the feelings of complete and utter hopelessness, no matter what - or how hard - I try. I just can't see a way out right now.

Alcohol destroyed my life once, and I haven't had a drink in a long time. I'm also not supposed to drink for health reasons either now. The last couple of days I've had my partner's booze out of the fridge several times, but I've always managed to put it back. Today I gave in, and I'm so ashamed.

I also feel so guilty about my last post. In fact I absolutely, and utterly, despise myself for it. My problems aren't more important that anyone else's, and yet here I am whining, crumbling, laying down, when I know just how much so many of you are going through in your own lives right now. I'm so, so, deeply, sorry.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you're all absolute angels, and your kind messages meant so, so, much to me. I love you all to bits <3

 

[Eleanor]

I also feel so guilty about my last post. In fact I absolutely, and utterly, despise myself for it. My problems aren't more important that anyone else's, and yet here I am whining, crumbling, laying down, when I know just how much so many of you are going through in your own lives right now. I'm so, so, deeply, sorry.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you're all absolute angels, and your kind messages meant so, so, much to me. I love you all to bits <3

Ash, please... this is not what I meant at all!! Can you put people's problems on a scale? Can you assign them a number to express their importance? Can you compare them that easily? NO you can't! All of our problems are valid in their own way and honestly, the sooner I understand this, the better. This is the same thought process that has locked me in place for so long and I don't want you, who has already told me repeatedly how bad this mindset can be, to fall into that trap yourself!

I wish I could help you more than this and offer some more practical solutions but I really can't, I don't know if I can imagine with my head what you've been through - which ties in with my first point anyways - but I'll still wish you all the best in overcoming those feelings and getting out of this situation stronger than before! You can do it!

And thank you for your kind words, I'm glad to hear them! With all the help you've given everyone around you this really is the minimum I could do <3

 

[Megan]

Today was a bad day.

I just can't stop the feelings of complete and utter hopelessness, no matter what - or how hard - I try. I just can't see a way out right now.

Alcohol destroyed my life once, and I haven't had a drink in a long time. I'm also not supposed to drink for health reasons either now. The last couple of days I've had my partner's booze out of the fridge several times, but I've always managed to put it back. Today I gave in, and I'm so ashamed.

I also feel so guilty about my last post. In fact I absolutely, and utterly, despise myself for it. My problems aren't more important that anyone else's, and yet here I am whining, crumbling, laying down, when I know just how much so many of you are going through in your own lives right now. I'm so, so, deeply, sorry.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you're all absolute angels, and your kind messages meant so, so, much to me. I love you all to bits <3

You are still alive and you're still aware of your actions. I don't know how I could possibly help you. But I do know some people can. I know you're afraid. But it may be time to get over your fear and tell your therapist at the least. And I know you can do it.

Pain is not comparable. It's neither worse for one or the other nor is it "better". Pain just is. I appreciate that you're so empathic with everyone else's problems. But you're not an all powerful outside entity that can deal with other people's problems and doesn't have their own. You're part of a community and therefor deserve your issues to be resolved as much as everyone else.

You've been there for us and we're here for you. Always. <3

 

[Hyzenthlay]

Would you like us to remove your quoted post from our own posts, Taylor?

Also, your problems are equally as valid as anyone else's, and you have every right to express them here just as much as anyone. That sort of guilt makes things so, so much worse and it's not needed! I know, I feel that way about my own problems all the time. I also know how it is, to break a good thing you've had going for so long and feel so awfully ashamed. It's just... such a terrible ordeal. But in the grand scheme of things it's simply another obstacle on the road that we have to overcome, and once we do, we can leave it behind us. "Pick yourself up, dust yourself of, and start all over again" is what I have to tell myself. It takes... every ounce of our energy and willpower to do that at times, but we keep on doing it. We find a way.

I truly hope and pray that things look up for you soon, Taylor. Keep that diamond of strength in you close so you can see it through. <3

 

[VisionofMilotic]

Spoiler:

Today was a bad day.

I just can't stop the feelings of complete and utter hopelessness, no matter what - or how hard - I try. I just can't see a way out right now.

Alcohol destroyed my life once, and I haven't had a drink in a long time. I'm also not supposed to drink for health reasons either now. The last couple of days I've had my partner's booze out of the fridge several times, but I've always managed to put it back. Today I gave in, and I'm so ashamed.

I also feel so guilty about my last post. In fact I absolutely, and utterly, despise myself for it. My problems aren't more important that anyone else's, and yet here I am whining, crumbling, laying down, when I know just how much so many of you are going through in your own lives right now. I'm so, so, deeply, sorry.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you're all absolute angels, and your kind messages meant so, so, much to me. I love you all to bits <3

I hate that you have experienced so much pain Taylor. Please never give up your fight you brave, loving wonderful girl. You are not useless, you are treasure. Talking to you has been one of the most unique and uplifting experiences I have had online, the name starlight suits you so well because of how you brighten up the skies when you are near. You not being here would be a gaping hole here on the forum, and saddens me to think of it. You are a rare and special soul, and deserve to have a piece of heaven, instead of battling through psychological bdemons like that. I'm sorry that bad things have happened to you, your story is still unfolding my friend, and you have the power to start new chapters of life.

I admire that you had the guts to talk about addiction you experienced in the past. A lot of people wouldn't be able to do that because of feelings of embarrassment, guilt or pride, so you have taken a lot of steps to healing. Falling off the wagon on this ocassion doesn't mean that you're not going to recover. You have made enormous progress that shouldn't be forgotten, you're in therapy, and have been alcohol-free for a long time, despite situations that would make it especially challenging, like alcohol being visible-- that can be a trigger for folks, and as a strategy it's often recommended that family/friends/significant others not introduce it into the environment at home or at parties if you're recovering because of how tempting it is. You are also going through a lot of physical and mental health ailments, and it's human to try to find ways of self-medicating through the hardship. Anyone can make a mistake, the important thing, as others have said, is that you realize it, because you can grow from that. You feel bad about what you have done, and know what you have to do going forward, don't keep punishing yourself, that's a never-ending vicious cycle that can trap us. Now is the time for love. Think about what you have learned from this setback, so that you can keep to your goal. You were sober before, and you can be now. Know that we LOVE you.

Nobody is judging you. We're here to lift you up, and cheer you on to victory.

You certainly have no reason to feel bad about posting, your cares are every bit as important as everyone's here, we are all equals, and if talking about any part of what's on your mind provides you hope to know that your not alone, and that we believe in you and care about you, solace in having friends to talk to, or relief to freely express things that you have been bottling up and take some weight off off your chest, then that's a good thing and this club has more than achieved it's purpose, and done a positive thing. Also people may read your posts and relate to something that you have said, and that can provide valuable insight into their own lives, and may also draw inspiration from your honesty and seriousness about changing. There's nothing to be sorry for, this is a protected circle, and inside of this sanctuary you can say what you want to say.

 

[Fairy]

Starlight, don't ever be ashamed. Addiction changes the way your brain works permanently and you're hardwired to use it as a coping mechanism. Remember, addiction is just a symptom of a deeper, underlying problem.

Spoiler:

I take my sobriety very seriously and even now 10 years later I'm still fighting and sometimes losing that fight. Hell, you've even been witness to one of my breakdowns - though lighthearted, since I was feeling pretty great in the moment. I haven't gone back to the heroin, thankfully, but the lure of abusing Xanax, alcohol, and having access to some particular.. products.. is outright painful to ignore when I know I can make all of these feelings go away. It goes against your very survival instinct to avoid temptation in this sense, so please, be kinder to yourself and forgive yourself.

Hyzenthlay, I completely know where you're coming from.

Spoiler:

-removed-

If you'll both allow me to offer some insight, which is probably something you have heard before but I'll say anyway, I think you're both feeling wildly out of control at the moment. In your life, in your environment, in your head - there's something in you that distinctly feels a lack of control and desperately wants it back. This is incredibly normal. These feelings serve us a purpose and I respect the part of you that's protecting something very scared and helpless inside.

The brain has a negativity bias and if you couple that with issues like mental health issues, past and current traumas, and addiction, it comes as no surprise to me that you're experiencing these feelings. The best thing that's worked for me is trying to live in the moment. What's immediately around you and what are your five senses picking up? Practice self compassion and understanding.

I can also recommend a really great book I've been reading on the subject, if you're interested.

 

[Megan]

Honestly, I'm kind of lucky that any thought of self harm or worse has always just ended up being that: a though.

As such I can't possibly relate. I do think it's good if you find someone you can trust with these issues. And I'm glad you feel safe enough to tell us about it. It's one step closer to finding a healthy way to deal with your issues.

 

[tenfrogs]

C-Can I join?

I put on a very brave front, but I'm struggling quite a bit at the minute. I've just done a year in the UK and got into a relationship over there which ended quite dramatically, and I lost quite a lot of the friends I made there because they were all his friends. Then when I moved back home to Australia all of my old friends have moved on with their lives and have started families, gotten married, into relationships, etc. I feel very very alone most of the time, and it doesn't help that my anxiety has been stopping me from going to the gym and meeting new people.

Spoiler:

I've also stopped smoking weed and drinking during the last year, and while I feel a lot healthier for it, those were my go-to vices for when I was feeling down and depressed. Now, I just sort of sit here and spend money frivolously online and it's really not good for my health or my mental wellbeing.

 

[Zeostar]

Extending best wishes to everybody.

To anybody who has shared such things here, there is definitely courageousness involved. There is an importance to communicating like this and especially turning towards seeking help.

I made a nearly fatal mistake and refused help in the months after living through a school shooting. Seeking help is bravery, not cowardice. It's okay to feel not okay, so I've had a certain admiration for this thread as it's great and beneficial that everyone can express themselves.

 

[Starlight]

Spoiler:

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I just want to say thank you to all of you. I am a bit too overwhelmed right now to make detailed replies to you all at this time, but I will do it as soon as I can, either in an update here or via private messages. Seriously, I can't thank you all enough 😭❤

C-Can I join?

I put on a very brave front, but I'm struggling quite a bit at the minute. I've just done a year in the UK and got into a relationship over there which ended quite dramatically, and I lost quite a lot of the friends I made there because they were all his friends. Then when I moved back home to Australia all of my old friends have moved on with their lives and have started families, gotten married, into relationships, etc. I feel very very alone most of the time, and it doesn't help that my anxiety has been stopping me from going to the gym and meeting new people.

Spoiler:

I've also stopped smoking weed and drinking during the last year, and while I feel a lot healthier for it, those were my go-to vices for when I was feeling down and depressed. Now, I just sort of sit here and spend money frivolously online and it's really not good for my health or my mental wellbeing.

Welcome Tenille! It's awesome that you have quit those things, and I hope that you can keep the spending under control too. I know all too well how bad comfort shopping can be. I promise not to encourage you to buy all those steam games you don't need 😉

 

[tenfrogs]

Spoiler:

Welcome Tenille! It's awesome that you have quit those things, and I hope that you can keep the spending under control too. I know all too well how bad comfort shopping can be. I promise not to encourage you to buy all those steam games you don't need 😉

Spoiler:

Thankyu 😊

Nearly had a baaad day yesterday, mum came over with ginger beer and I immediately thought I'd be right back at square one, but it turns out they were non alcoholic ginger beers and I'm a very happy frog! Nearly been a month without alcohol now, and I'm feeling better than I ever have.

Spoiler:

Has been almost 4 months without marijuana, too. It's amazing how much a change of scenery and a different group of friends can completely impact your life. I'm still feeling rather alone, but this community is helping a lot with that and the fact that I'm learning more about myself and the things I like is helping, too. One day at a time :)

Hope you're feeling okay Starlight ♥ and thank you for the game-buying discouragement, I'm going to really need it as I've just bought 3 new games on Steam within the last hour D:

 

[Fairy]

Thankyu 😊

Nearly had a baaad day yesterday, mum came over with ginger beer and I immediately thought I'd be right back at square one, but it turns out they were non alcoholic ginger beers and I'm a very happy frog! Nearly been a month without alcohol now, and I'm feeling better than I ever have.

Spoiler:

Has been almost 4 months without marijuana, too. It's amazing how much a change of scenery and a different group of friends can completely impact your life. I'm still feeling rather alone, but this community is helping a lot with that and the fact that I'm learning more about myself and the things I like is helping, too. One day at a time :)

Hope you're feeling okay Starlight ♥ and thank you for the game-buying discouragement, I'm going to really need it as I've just bought 3 new games on Steam within the last hour D:

Welcome to the club and congratulations! A month is fantastic, you should be super proud of yourself! Same with any other substance. :)

Mmm, your brain is still reeling for a dopamine release of some kind to replace the rush. Super normal for this point in your sobriety, so don't feel too guilty about it. It took about a year before I was chemically balanced again. Just relax and use the same restraint you use everyday to combat that desire to spend!

 

[Hyzenthlay]

Thank you all. <3 I'm quite proud of myself - I didn't do any harm, so don't worry. That massive bout of depression/despair has "settled" into high stress and anxiety but I'm on a healthier trajectory now, at least. :) One thing I actually like about myself is that I can bounce back really fast under the right circumstances. In this case it was "virtually" falling into my boyfriend's warm, loving arms. He somehow makes me laugh even when I'm at my very worst. He's truly my lifeline during these moments.

While I don't think issues like this should be stigmatised/hidden, I deleted my post out of privacy.

By the way, to anyone who sometimes has toxic thoughts overpower them: draw those thoughts/feelings. Even if it's just an angry black squiggle. By drawing out my urges to self-harm, I quelled them just enough to stop it from actually happening. Free-drawing this way can be quite cathartic. I've drawn a number of my traumas.

- - -

@Fairy you hit the nail on the head - I have little to no control over so many aspects of my life, and that can drive anyone mad. The worst part is, I don't even have the control to do something about my lack of control! All I can do is the bare minimum; just slog on with my degree and hope new opportunities open up to me (in positive ways. I'm tired of big change only occurring after awful things happen). My struggle along the way is avoiding my triggers. I have PTSD and a lot of triggers. :(

@Megan I'm very grateful for this community because I genuinely feel like I can entrust the people here with my feelings, and be listened to. So thankfully I do have people in my life I can go to in times of need, it can just feel like the opposite when I'm devastated, like the whole world's against me, so I tend to forget that. I suppose a lot of us do.

@ZeoStar, you're absolutely right. These is still a stigma around seeking help in many places, since a lot of people don't understand how much strength and courage it takes to divulge one's deepest pain, worst secrets, life traumas. I imagine in cases as devastating as school shootings, the shock alone is a big factor. Sometimes it's like being trapped in time and we just clam up and keep things frozen. The brain's defence mechanisms against trauma are varied and fascinating. It seems mine is to wall off my memories until my brain receives a trigger.

 

[VisionofMilotic]

I like this direction that the conversation has been going in recently, seeing the strong support for others and kindness inhabiting this space, and reading about constructive ways of dealing with different problems.

I am inspired by Hyzenthlay's suggestion to draw images of what is on your mind, when you're feeling troubled. I will have to give that one a try next time I am feeling blue. I usually color in different prints of mandalas, things that are more abstract and tranquil, but it could be good to let it all out and draw something really different put the feelings to pictures!

I think it would be nice to keep cool, creative ideas like that coming. So I am going to post it as a topic question, I don't think our club owner will mind :)

Share a coping mechanism!

For me listening to music can change my mood, oddly it's not necessarily peaceful, bubbly or romantic music that is the most helpful to me if I am downcast. That tends have the best impact on me when I am on the upswing, I try to listen to music that matches my mood at the time. When I am unhappy I find that music that's actually moody, angry, melancholy or self-depricating can be my release. It might not work for everyone, for me it's cathartic, the things that weighed me down all are channeled into the song and I am better off, like a weight has been taken off my shoulders, and can onto a better state. Emilie Autumn's music and writings are my go-to.

 

[Megan]

Very dark thoughts warning, I suppose.

Spoiler:

It's been kinda rough lately. I suppose the "season of love" also kinda adds to my current situation. That and the fact that I'm currently feeling isolated again. Not too long ago I had a lot more interactions with a certain person. But of course them having their own problems they need to attend to results in that not being a thing anymore. But that's also partly due to the dynamics changing. Imagine being on staff and you have one person you talk to a lot but then that person leaves and the others are simply not up to it.

Anyway, one recurring thing in my life is that "outsider view" I have on my life. I'm basically just watching a movie that's supposed to be my life. My own influence on my actions always seems very limited. Often times I'm not even aware that I can do certain things. They never seem like a logical thing to do. Even though, every other person does them no problem.

It's pretty normal for me to watch other people to have fun. On the other hand having fun is something I have a hard time with. Even when others try their hardest it just doesn't happen. It's very stressful often times.
I guess when having fun is no fun then the only way I think I can find meaning is by working...

I have no positive outlook on life. During my 20s I always thought about never wanting to reach 30. When I reached 30 I was very disappointed and ever since I've been hoping things will end at least before the 40s.
There were two times when I had some kind of moment where I was just ready to go. The first one was when I got bullied while waiting for the bus home after school. Another time was during university. We were heading for a meeting in regards to a programming thing. I was the driver but ended up in a minor accident. Afterwards we were just walking a little bit and at that time I had another one of these moments.
The first one got prevented by others, the second one just didn't end up happening. What I learnt is that I'm too much of a coward to do it without one such moment.

Life has never been something I enjoy. Being in the work force doesn't make things better. I get up around 4:30 AM, go to work, work until after 3PM, go home and then I'm too tired to do anything. But even without work I'd just feel useless. I always try to be useful. Not as much as to feel useful, but rather in hopes to find a way to belong somewhere. It's hard for me to feel like I belong. When I do find someone I can talk to regularly that's probably the closest to something being "fun".

Call it abandonment issues, call it "being clingy", but I can be very attached to other people simply because of these things. And I can get very annoying when I get the feeling that I might be losing that; trying all I can to save as much as possible, for better or worse. Some people are just better at letting go, I suppose. ^^"

When people talk about being with their partners and enjoying each others presence and even having a day dedicated to that it just sometimes makes me want to say something inappropriate, be rude, burn some bridges in the process. But of course that's dumb and only contributes to my isolation.

The scary thing isn't the thought of committing suicide. It's the knowledge that I kinda want it; the reality that I'm waiting for such a moment...

 

[Nah]

@Meg, I know how you feel on a thing or two you said

 

[Fairy]

Very dark thoughts warning, I suppose.

Spoiler:

The scary thing isn't the thought of committing suicide. It's the knowledge that I kinda want it; the reality that I'm waiting for such a moment...

Spoiler:

I remember feeling this way a lot; knowing that at any point I could just overdose and die. And I just sort of resigned myself to the idea that if it happens, it happens. I was miserable anyway and addicted to so many opiates that if I could just get enough money I could override my tolerance and peacefully slip away.

I've been on the precipice too, where you feel yourself go under and your circulatory and respiratory systems slow to a crawl. I wouldn't call it a near death experience so much as just a bunch of overdoses.. but it's a feeling I distinctly remember. I was lucky to have someone with me each time to bring me back, but in that darkness I was just so.. fine with it. It's terrifying to think about now.

 

[Aslan]

Replying to the topic above about coping mechanisms:

I find talking it out the most effective coping mechanism. No expectation of solutions or advice, I just think it can be helpful to have someone who cares and listens. Therapy helped. Therapists do this as their job and this helped me detach a bit more from the toxic mentality that opening up was weak to do. It was a double standard I didn't realise that was super toxic to hold myself to. I realised that I would never think negatively of anyone else opening up and that I should respect myself also. I have tried to be more open but it's still difficult, and I would like to stop hiding how I feel because it's not healthy.

I learnt a lot of coping strategies from previous therapy that have helped. At first I won't lie, it was so uncomfortable talking about any type of trauma and having a lot of it resurface through talking about it. But I learnt a lot and some of it, I still use today. I mainly went to help with my ED, depression and hypochondria when I was younger. Everyone's experiences are different and it might take a while to find a good therapist but I think it was helpful. Not an overnight change at all but I did notice things improving after seeing a therapist. I noticed things would relapse without a therapist for the first year or so afterwards but I learnt enough from it to self-manage things somewhat OK. Thinking of going back and also maybe starting medication though as things have been feeling really hard lately. I know everyone's experience with medication is different but it would be interesting to hear how people have found medication helpful for their mental health.

Outside of that, there are a few small coping mechanisms I turn to if things aren't gong well. Music and exercise if I have the energy for it, help me. I like forms of escapism like reading, playing games, watching TV and so on to take my mind off things but if things are super bad and I just don't have an interest in anything, then the first two I mentioned above are the most helpful.

 

[Fairy]

So like, I'm not even sure where to post this but I just got some really awful news and I don't want to just stew in it alone.

Spoiler:

My family is all fucked up. Every single one of us, from every branch of the tree, is currently, has recovered from, or has simply died from alcohol/drug problems or complications related to addiction. This goes back so far that I couldn't even begin to comprehend the generational trauma.

I just found out an hour ago that my cousin got a liver transplant last Monday. Apparently he had been sick for a while and avoided going to the doctor - but last December his health had gotten so bad that between Christmas and New Years, he gained 65lbs of pure fluid retention because his liver had essentially failed on him. It was cycling toxins in his blood, up to his brain, and just shutting down his whole system. Don't even ask me how he got to the top of the donor list, let alone how any of this is being paid for with his preexisting conditions - I have no idea.

Now, this comes as no surprise to me because of course alcoholic parents raise children predisposed to alcoholism. He and his brother were already heavy drinkers in high school. His dad (my uncle) is nearly 70, bedridden, wheelchair bound, oxygen dependent, and 600lbs from his own alcohol abuse that isn't being addressed. And that description is from ten years ago when I last saw him in person. His mother, (my aunt) lost her job as an RN for being drunk on duty.

They are all racing each other to the grave.

My cousin owns a bar. His career, his friendships, his family, his whole life revolves around alcohol. Everything needs to change - if he even fucking survives. Apparently things are very touch and go but as of today he's lucid and unventilated. And no one saw fit to tell me about this until today. I don't begrudge that fact 100% because the reality is I can't do anything for him anyway, but it still hurts. I hate knowing that this is happening to another family member who is so young. I hate that he has two daughters who now have to worry about whether or not their dad's going to come home, and that those children are, in turn, genetically programmed to follow in those same toxic footsteps.

I hate that I might be going to another funeral soon. I hate alcohol. I hate the grip it had on me and the way it ruined my life and the lives of my relatives. That's why this cycle is ending with me. This is why I'm NEVER having children. I'm never bringing another life into this world with the genetic baggage that myself and my cousins have to carry. It's just cruel.

tl;dr - my cousin got a liver transplant two days ago because of his drinking and no one told me about how sick he was and I hate alcohol and I'm never having children and I can't believe I put my family through the same thing.