[Life] Mental health club

[CiCi]

So I've been seeing this group here and was initially hesitant to join it. I'm not the most open person, though I've been trying to be more open in the past few years. I tend to bottle things up, like putting mentos in a soda and trying to put the cap back on. These days, it feels like everything is the mentos trying to get me to explode.

Spoiler:

I've had a lot of issues with depression, anxiety, and some possible bipolar and autism (runs in the family but it's been so long since I've seen a therapist and been evaluated). There are times when I feel on top of the world, and other times where I'm so spent that I have trouble functioning. I've had a few suicidal ideations with no attempts made yet. Minor self-harm incidents. This has been exceedingly difficult to deal with, and happening more manically and frequently, postpartum. I feel like I haven't bonded with my son. Sure, he's cute, I like making him laugh, and when he's not acting up as babies tend to do then he's okay to be around. But mentally, I am struggling with bonding, I'm continuously drowned by thoughts of my traumatic birth story, and I even had a brief stint with booze again for about a month and a half, just boozed off my rocker pretty much all day.

I've dropped the booze, but I have turned back to weed. And I HATE that I feel like I need to take drugs to get my sanity back, but I spent all damn day being a depressed mess and wanting to kill myself, then I took a few hits off my vape and came back to my baseline. It's really annoying to be dependent on weed (or any other drug, to be fair) just to get through my days.

I'll also be incredibly short-fused with my son and any little thing can plummet my day into shit. At the same time, I have days where I'm okay, and even happy to spend time with him and my husband. I've had a few downright heart attacks when my son was a little limp when I pick him up or doesn't wake up right away when I open his bedroom door (he's still half-asleep, and sometimes he's just passed the hell out because he's a baby and babies are sleepy). It's like my senses are on high alert all the time.

Today, my puppy peed on the floor (he's old enough to hold it but sometimes just pees for what seems like no reason whatsoever), and I went ballistic, shouting and cursing and losing it. Every little thing seems to build up to this. I woke up this morning thinking that there was no way I could stand anymore of this.

December of 2018 is what I call the beginning of the death, because that's when I started experiencing quite a bit of loss all at once. In just 2021, my grandmother died and my recently rescued dog passed just a couple months after. All while I was pregnant and terrified of childbirth. 2021 culminated in a horribly traumatic birth ending in emergency C-section. My first surgery, and one you have to do while you're awake. Honestly, I wish I had been knocked out instead. The smell and feeling of the surgery still makes me feel so sick to my stomach. I've had a few "flashback"-style episodes where I zone out in one place and wind up coming back to reality somewhere else without really knowing how I got there. Vague memories of walking or pacing but that's about it. Thankfully, that hasn't happened in about a month or so, but they were terrifying when they did. I hate my scar and how numb it still feels. I hate washing it because it reminds me of what happened and gets my adrenaline pumping.

I wanted to be a good mom. I wanted to be able to AT LEAST take care of my son. But I feel like I'm getting my husband to do most of the work. I can do most of the work for a day or two out of the week before it feels like the world falls in around me. I hate this. I feel like I should have never done this and if I don't get my shit together and SOON, my son is gonna be fucked up because of his fucked up mom.

Just... Trying to make it through my life without falling off the cliff I've so precariously perched myself upon.

 

[Megan]

I can't really relate to the whole dugs/alcohol stuff because that's not as much of an issue in my family. But I can relate to not wanting children @Fairy

Thing is: my family has a lot of toxic subjects in it. And especially one person in particular fits that bill just a little too much. The problem is that he's pretty hated by my parents (well, my mother now, since my father isn't around anymore). the stupid thing they did during my childhood was whenever they started calling out my behavior by comparing me to him. We barely had money but my parents sure liked to compain about how stingy I was with my money (which is something he did to an extreme). But not just behavior: they even went down the genetics route. Constantly telling my that I had his genes and because of that I would also get hair loss and stuff like that. Even worse: since I have been constantly losing hair for the last couple years to a point where it very well is noticable it just feeds into my self hatred and who I was born as.

Because of stuff like that, I pretty much knew even during my teenage years that I never wanted to have kids. I don't want to spread that curse of toxicity into the next generation. They should not have to go through things like these. <_<

 

[Fairy]

So I've been seeing this group here and was initially hesitant to join it. I'm not the most open person, though I've been trying to be more open in the past few years. I tend to bottle things up, like putting mentos in a soda and trying to put the cap back on. These days, it feels like everything is the mentos trying to get me to explode.

Spoiler:

Honey, you need to get professional help immediately. I say that with all the love in the world; but it sounds like you're experiencing postpartum psychosis and CPTSD with dissociative involvement - on top of whatever existing disorders you had before your son's birth. I'm no psychiatrist, obviously, but the "psychosis" would explain the rabid mood changes, irritability, intermittent hyperactivity, and difficulty bonding. You don't need to have hallucinations or delusions to fit the diagnostic criteria.

Again, I'm just some dumb chick on the internet, so it's not my place to make a diagnosis. I'm sorry for even making these suggestions, but mothers who experience these things also have a 5% suicide rate. I'm not trying to scare you but I can definitely feel through your words that you're on a steep precipice.

I recommend checking out this website. It has the info and statistics to both back my claim and also a very highly developed support network. You can call or text. They also cover topics like complex grief which might be interfering with your ability to recover.

Please, you've become a friend to me since you started posting here almost three years ago and I don't want to see this escalate any further. You deserve happiness and relief from this trauma.

 

[Starlight]

Firstly, I'm sorry I haven't managed to reply to everyone properly yet, I am slowly working my way through but life has not being playing ball lately :)

Very dark thoughts warning, I suppose.

I know a lot of those feelings very well Megan, and it breaks my heart to think of you struggling so much. Hopefully you can find something you love, your joy in life.

I do want to say though that your family is wrong, and what they throw at you is unfair and basically amounts to abuse. You are what you decide to be. I can promise you that your life isn't pre-determined by anyone's DNA otherwise I'd be a thug and a murderer. You might not "fit in" as easily as some do, but I can promise you that doesn't make you any lesser than anyone else. We are all different, we all like different things, and being one of the herd isn't necessary to be a lovely person <3

...

Just... hugs <3

Your decision is perfectly valid either way, but I will say this: the cycle doesn't stop with you because you prevent it from continuing, the cycle will stop with you either way because you are brave, you are strong, and you actually want it to end <3

So I've been seeing this group here and was initially hesitant to join it. I'm not the most open person, though I've been trying to be more open in the past few years. I tend to bottle things up, like putting mentos in a soda and trying to put the cap back on. These days, it feels like everything is the mentos trying to get me to explode.

CiCi please seek some professional help, for the sake of both yourself and your little one. I know it will feel pointless, but I have known people in your situation that have been helped greatly and who came out the other side feeling much better. You shouldn't have to feel that way, and you don't need to struggle alone <3

 

[Megan]

You know, thinking about my childhood I really end up uncovering more and more emotional abuse. Like, whenever we sat down for breakfast or lunch during the weekend there would be a couch and a seat for my sister and mother and a special seat for my father while I ended up sitting on an old chair on the off side of the table. I would also either get called "the guest" frequently or thrown homophobe remarks at me just to get a reaction out of me (which never worked, of course). I've never considered myself gay. And while I'm nowadays kinda tending towards trans female lesbian territory I'm still not there yet and probably won't be for a while.

But yeah, as a result I have a somewhat deeprooted hatret towards (especially older) men who play father figure. It sucks since we live in a patriarchial society ruled by these types of people.

 

[CiCi]

So I finally got into therapy. Of course, 2 days after my first session, I had another breakdown, which meant my morning was shit but here's hoping that I'll get better... Figures I had to be in the 10% of women with postpartum depression and birth trauma/ptsd. My therapist was even surprised at how intensely and detailed I remembered the birth. Yay me

 

[Inky]

Hey howdy hi, how do I join a club :femme2:

I have bad anxiety & depression which have held a pretty vicelike grip over a lot of my life, which has been pretty miserable. I currently see a therapist semi-regularly (I'm bad at this lol) and take meds which are not really doing anything for me at the moment which is wonderful. I'd say the main thing that's bothering me currently is I'm just pretty flat, demotivated and apathetic to pretty much everything, which is really eating into my degree at university. I'm generally a pretty functionally depressed person? In that I can happily go about my day-to-day doing the bare minimum but I don't really get a whole lot out of it or enjoy it at all. Anyway,

Hope everyone in here is doing well <3

 

[Starlight]

I just want to remind everyone in this thread that my pms / dms are always open. I'm sure others will say the same. I am no therapist, and am really struggling myself, but I still want everyone to know that you're never alone <3

Talk to someone - us in here, a friend, a therapist, your cat, even your gods. Just don't give in, because it's trying to isolate you and break you. Don't give it exactly what it wants.

 

[Fairy]

I just want to remind everyone in this thread that my pms / dms are always open. I'm sure others will say the same. I am no therapist, and am really struggling myself, but I still want everyone to know that you're never alone <3

Talk to someone - us in here, a friend, a therapist, your cat, even your gods. Just don't give in, because it's trying to isolate you and break you. Don't give it exactly what it wants.

I want to echo this. I'm not at all a professional but I can be a good listener, so please feel free to reach out! This is a safe place of zero judgement and unconditional support. You are heard, valid, and loved. ♡

 

[CiCi]

Hey all. I didn't really know where else to turn to just get my thoughts down. I'll put my vent into spoilers, but I also wanted to touch on my therapy and let you guys know that I'm continuing with it. Things are a bit better. There's only been one where I was suicidal since then, which was today very fleetingly.

That said, I wanted to vent a little bit.

Spoiler:

So I recently got some puppies, Apollo and Hades. Brothers. Didn't really know what littermate syndrome was when I did that. Unfortunately, now I do. They kept getting into really nasty fights. No one was seriously hurt, thankfully, but I decided to separate them. My mom, being the wonderful person she is, offered to take one for me for a while until we figured out a solution. She took Hades (Apollo couldn't hold his pee worth a damn), and that was back in early December, maybe like the 12th at the latest.

They're going to be going to boarding school to be professionally trained so we'll have them under control and can stop their fighting (plus crates when no one is around to watch them to avoid potential future fights). I originally was going to have them both in the May class, but, well, things have changed.

My mom and her boyfriend she lives with have been having a lot of issues over these past years. A lot of it is about my drug-addicted co-dependent brother constantly mooching off and taking advantage of Mom. She and her boyfriend constantly fight about it. Well, tonight I was privy to a phone call very briefly when her boyfriend came home and they got into an argument (they're splitting up and things are dicey). He said, a direct quote: "I was at a hotel because I didn't wanna come home because of that fucking dog."

Obviously, he means Hades (they have another called Lily but he likes Lily). This just proved to me that I was right in how I was feeing. I felt like a burden, like I ruined their lives (to be fair, they already did that to each other before I came along). He has been saying shit about Hades and is obviously frustrated with him. Hades will hopefully be able to get put in the April classes, if that spot didn't get filled yet, so he can come back home sooner and get away from my mom and her boyfriend.

I don't think the boyfriend would do anything to hurt Hades, but I don't 1) want to take that chance, and 2) want to feel like I'm burdening them, even if it's just by keeping them together longer because of the extra dog and my mom not being able to get an apartment.

I've just been really upset about Hades not being able to live here already, let alone adding on resentment in anyway from the people who weren't supposed to be watching him to begin with. I want to get my family back together.

 

[Megan]

I just recently realized that me trying to help out with something can easily bring out some toxic behavior in me. That's especially so when the person whom I'm trying to help doesn't recognize it as help and just as an attempt to gain an advantage. <- I actually don't know if that's the case but my head definitely interprets things that way.

The moment I realize that it quickly turns into shame which then turns into depression which in turn just makes me regret to still being alive. Very annoying vicious cycle. <_<

 

[Hyzenthlay]

I'm also stuck in a vicious cycle of sorts. I'm so weighted down and sad, but I shouldn't be. I feel like sadness is just constantly forced upon me. I hate it. The way I am naturally, without people influencing my mental health, is a genuinely happy, positive, loving person who adores life and lets nothing worry them too much.

I miss that side of me so much. For so long now I've been fighting off toxic feelings instead and it's just exhausting.

This is why I prefer being alone, and I'm GOOD at being alone. I can be myself and it doesn't bother a soul. I can do things my way, the way that suits me and makes me happy. I don't have to stress, because the only emotions around are my own - I'm not being burdened by a constant barrage of negativity and bitterness. It's no wonder I'm withdrawing myself socially more and more. I just can't cope with more emotional baggage than what I already carry.

When I write these posts... it makes it sound like my life is awful. It's not really... there is so much good, yet the bad is far louder. The funny thing is, if someone else got to experience my life for just a day, they'd come out of it thinking "I could never stand to live like this". But my life in itself isn't bad - I consider myself blessed in countless ways - it's just that my home life is so broken and emotions are so repressed and everyone carries so much negativity with them, that their only release is spitting that negativity at each other.

Worst part is, it seems like there is absolutely nothing I can do. All I can do is wait for my life to start, and pray that before then, my family find their own paths that make them happy, or at least content... otherwise, I'll forever be tied down by the guilt of "flying the nest" and leaving my troubles behind for them to cope with instead, without the "big sister" of the family desperately trying to hold things together...

 

[colours]

WARNING: HEAVY SHIT

Spoiler:

i am equal parts bloody frustrated, incensed, and sad.

i genuinely feel like i'm a waste of space in this world. like, if i offed myself right after typing this message or vanished or whatever, then it'd be a net positive for most people who know me. which is weird in a way, because i don't even know what the actual fuck i did. i don't really think this is my depression speaking anymore. it genuinely feels like my whole existence just pisses people off both irl and on pc. but before i go any further, let me introduce some more context/background as to why i feel this way.

for the longest time, me expressing any sort of vulnerability, WAY more often than not, has historically blew up in my face in the same way: i am basically expected to be as emotionally stoic in possible. bitching is bad. speaking up is bad. defending myself is bad. it's like a repetition of when i was bullied for my entire childhood; i am never expected to say anything in my defense, and if i do, it's a bad thing. i am an absolute failure both irl (lots of reasons) and on pc (where periodically i feel reminded that im bottom-of-the-totem-pole admin and shit-tier staff all around that almost nobody associates with), yet i'm expected to carry on as if nothing bothers me, because again, that's the expectation and the desire to not want to "deal" with me. does anyone understand i have feelings too, or does that not matter, anymore? i rarely want to rant or say something anymore, even to my closest friends, because i'll end up being a burden to them anyway and even to them, i bet the expectation is that the less i feel on the outside and carry on my work like a mindless drone, the better. my feelings don't matter. if i try to speak up on that, it might be construed as drama or something negative, so i shut up for the sake of peace and be on my way.

but on the inside, in the heart that shocking enough i actually have (surprise!), it hurts. it fucking hurts. i'm consistently in a "damned if i do, damned if i don't" situation. whether in a work setting, home setting, or in the goddamn internet where to think of all things i've tried to find some sort of home, it never seems to fail that regardless of where, the circumstances are the same. which is to say: fuck whatever i feel. i just do whatever im expected to do, and anything outside of that is irrelevant. feelings are ultimately an obstacle to productivity. the less i feel, and the more work i do, the better everyone is. except it is absolutely destroying my motivation because mentally and emotionally i don't know how much more i can take, and i don't know how to even escape from this, if it's even possible.

i constantly apologise for my fuckups, no matter how small, and try my absolute best to juggle as many people's feelings as possible before my own. at the same time, i'm finding that i no longer have the time, motivation, or energy to do things that i've once considered enjoyable due to this. i just... i don't know. i try to be this massive people pleaser, and even in scenarios where i would be the bearer of bad news, it's simply because i have a job to do and it's nothing personal. but yet, the anger and frustration towards me remains the same nonetheless.

i'd be genuinely surprised if anyone read this, not that i expect that. i'm an insignificant spec of dust compared to everyone in my life because that's how my life has always been. so i guess ignore me and move on.

 

[Eleanor]

pingery

I'm writing this more out of instinct than anything, so I will likely not be able to provide the best advice or the best words in general but... please, Angelica, let me just say that I can very much relate to that situation and you hit many delicate spots of mine there.

Spoiler:

Even as a kid I was taught to be "above" others, not respond to being provocated, not express vulnerability, all that kind of stuff- as if it could actually help me put myself on a higher moral level than others, whatever that means. Well it sucks now, because I'm still expected to shrug and move on in the face of problems, both trivial and serious alike. Honestly, it feels like there's people out there who still treat me like a kid, whose every nitpick is just a senseless tantrum and whose every desire is just a superfluous caprice. (wow where did I come up with those words).

This is of course just my personal path through this but something I've been trying to do, even just for scruple, is ask myself if I've been at fault myself in the way I raised these issues. Sometimes, the answer is yes: getting angry at trivial things and not reasoning with others is a thing that I do. But guess what- I probably act like this because I was never taught how to handle my feelings correctly and process them instead of bottling them up? Maybe telling me to shrug things off wasn't a good idea to begin with, uh?
And what if the answer is no? Then it's just a problem of who's listening to me. Which is something that can happen. People don't always get along and vibe with each other. Some people don't make any effort to help others feel at ease, open up, become more vulnerable, and let their thoughts out (or maybe do so selectively. I'm probably at fault of being like that...) but, and here is the beauty of PC I guess, I've eventually found some people that were more than happy to let me vent, offer help, and who I was also happy to help when they needed to vent. There's always someone out there in that sense <3

Now what if I actually shrug things off and try living in the most stoic way possible? I guess I tried, didn't work. Obviously. No one should be forced to go through that.
I've often been feeling like I have no future in front of me, no motivation to do anything that makes me happy, because my only goal is to work my life off and raise a bunch of children that my current parents will be proud of (not me, mind you). As if I could even find a significant other in this state of mind, ha. But of course there's always that pressure to not seek trouble, not change things drastically, not waste the time and resources other people are giving you, bla bla bla.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I definitely get how difficult it can be to open up and reach out to others after being taught to keep things inside. Realizing how bad that can be is already complicated, and trying to change that is even more complicated. I absolutely relate to feeling like a people-pleaser or, on the other side of the spectrum, being a complete burden to people. I've had a lot of trouble reaching out to friends and simply asking them "hey how are you" because I feel like I need a valid reason to bother them. Something like "hey I/you graduated, congrats" or "so hey we were forced to do this group assignment, please let's plan this out". It's a vicious cycle because it makes me feel like I can't keep people close to me except when I need to use them for something, hence making me just a terrible opportunistic friend. And even then... it's also difficult to love oneself. Keeping things inside clashes inherently with that notion. I'm still slowly making progress on that front and struggling to accept that what I think are "caprices" are way more important than I think they are. And I guess that if you've been around Staff a bit or saw some of my messages around, you may know at least one of the major things I'm referencing by that.

I'm sorry if I made this about my own problems also but I hope this can be useful for you nonetheless, Angelica. Even if we may not know each other super well or have talked much... I suppose humans in general can benefit so much from sharing similar experiences and getting closer to each other. It's a powerful thing, what we're all doing in here. So, as much as I can get that last part of the message, the "I'd be genuinely surprised if anyone would read this", I just want to let you know that it's not the case. You have my attention, and you can have my support whenever you need it ♥

If you read this until the end, thank you from the bottom of my heart, Angelica! And by the way, thank you for your efforts as an Admin- your contributions are valued ♥

 

[Hyzenthlay]

WARNING: HEAVY MUK

Feel free to ask me to delete this if wanted, I thought I'd respond, though I'm unsure how helpful it can possibly be. It turned into a bit of a rant/preach in the end, so...

Spoiler:

I will say though, that I relate to a lot of that. It's definitely one of the strongest factors of my low self-worth throughout my life, and why I (and my feelings) seem less significant than anyone else. I totally get that. I'm not sure what your interactions are like between staff - especially admins - but I've never had the impression that you're a bad staff member at all. You spearhead countless discussions for improvement and always have something to say, and that's being a proactive team member, not to mention just how long you've been here for the community. However, if you're anything like me, then maybe your ideas being shot down or having too many people disagree with you a lot of the time does plummet your self-esteem and make you feel undervalued and even disliked. I think that's a natural reaction when the situation repeats. The trouble is how we read into it, which most the time is far more negatively than what it actually is.

Childhood bullying has a significant impact on how we perceive these situations in adulthood, too, whether we are aware of it or not. I was emotionally bullied/emotionally neglected and so I relate to what you mean about "damned if you do, damned if you don't", because it's always perceived as our fault - we must have done something wrong, or be unlikeable, or be weak, because why else would this be happening to us? That thought process sticks. Especially when we are gaslit into believing it. Then we even start gaslighting ourselves.

So, we try so hard to avoid that pain. We emotionally seclude ourselves, and when we're around others, we elevate them, put them first, be that "people pleaser"; at least it gives us a vaguely positive social footing, right? But then voicing our own feelings and trying to justify ourselves to others always seems pointless - they (seemingly) either don't care, or they avoid you out of discomfort/helplessness, or get annoyed because your feelings and motivations clash with theirs. We reveal our vulnerabilities only to be punished for it. I get that. I often feel like people forget that I have feelings, too. That they cannot fathom how my feelings might be different from theirs.

But... a lot of that actually comes from a toxic cycle of thought processes. Chances are, we're completely misinterpreting how others see us, when they actually care. I've always felt generally disliked but is that actually true? I doubt it. Sure, it doesn't stop the feeling, but it helps if we can find validation within ourselves rather than always seeking glimpses of it from others. Like any behaviour, if we keep stewing in our negative perceptions, we only strengthen them. We're wiring our own minds to perceive ourselves as these worthless, intolerable beings and so nearly every moment of our lives revolves around that perception. It sucks. It's depressing. It eats at us constantly. Believe me, I feel the same. The struggle is breaking free of those mental shackles. But it's definitely possible.

I guess my advice - that I'm still learning for myself as I type this - is just... believe in your right to own your feelings, find the inner strength to say "psyduck it, this is how I feel and I have the right to manage my feelings in my own way, in my own time, and until I do, I can't keep putting others before myself." Find that time. Really try. One of the most exhausting things is pressuring yourself to be a people pleaser when you're dying on the inside. Like, you want to be that person because they expect it from you, you expect it from yourself, and the guilt of taking time for yourself is daunting, but... overall, it's worth it. And it's okay to do this. Not everyone can be a saint all the time. Some people manage it amazingly well, but most people don't. It takes time and strength and perseverance, and a lot of trial-and-error, to balance our mental wellbeing with those around us.

The people who do care will understand and will stick around until you're ready. And I know you have people that care, who consider you a friend. Sadly I've grown distant to a number of people by putting my mental health first, but I've also learnt which of them truly care - and they're the ones who appreciate me during my highs AND my lows. Some of them struggled to let go of their pre-established expectations of me at first, but eventually, they adapted, and accepted that I needed time to breathe and wait out my struggles in my own way. I have no idea how long this will last, but... I think it's working, in tiny little increments.

So yeah, try to find as much "you" time as you can. I understand how hard that is between work, family, daily commitments, the guilt etc. But try, even if it's doing nothing. Just, thinking, or gazing, or taking a nap. I find that watching calming watercolour YouTube videos has been a miracle worker for me, but it can be any video you find relaxing - or any hobby. It's unproductive, but I found my heart rate and anxiety levels go down so much - I can feel myself being lulled into a better frame of mind. It also helps me sleep at night. (For anyone interested, Paul Clark, Watercolor by Shibasaki and Oliver Pyle - Our Landscape are the YouTubers I watch to calm down - very soft and slow-paced).

I know all of this is just... re-iterating thoughts and stating things you've probably heard a dozen times before. But as someone who shares your sentiments, just thought I'd say you're definitely not alone in them and there are ways to overcome these feelings. Hopefully it helps just knowing there are people here who understand what you're saying, and have taken the time to acknowledged that.

Ending this message with a bunch of wholesome Shaymin <3

Spoiler:

 

[Retek]

Never thought I'd post here, but I really feel like not wanting to live anymore and I'm really ashamed of admitting that.

 

[Megan]

Never thought I'd post here, but I really feel like not wanting to live anymore and I'm really ashamed of admitting that.

There's nothing wrong with admitting it. We all go through these phases, occasionally. If you ever need someone to talk to, you know where we are! :)

 

[Aslan]

Retek, please know I'm always a DM away if you need someone to listen. Though I'm not at home all the time, I will do my best to answer as soon as I can if you'd like someone to talk it out with. That goes to anyone here too, regardless of how well we know each other. I can't promise much other than being someone who will listen but I'm happy to always listen if it makes even the slightest difference. So please don't feel afraid to reach out. Sending support to everyone here. ♥

Did a bit of reflection, put it in spoiler tag as a TW for mentioning eating disorders. It is positive overall as it is about recovery but I'm mindful of people who do not want to see that so I've put it below:

Spoiler:

So this month marks 10 years since I first experienced an eating disorder. Though I did have a relapse when I was in 11th grade, I'm proud of how far things have changed in the last 10 years. It's hard to believe it was half a lifetime ago. I won't go into it too much as I have talked about it on PC in the past but long story short, I suffered from a severe anxiety-based eating disorder. I ended up in the hospital at one point and had to go through rehabilitation to learn how to eat again.

These days my anxiety has been so much better since recovering from my last relapse and I've mostly been able to eat without trouble. Though I can't say it will always be smooth from here on out, I'm glad I kept trying to push myself to recover and persisted even when it felt hopeless. I'm also so appreciative of the people who did their best so support me throughout it whether that was supportive friends, family or healthcare professionals. I know I worried people and I'm grateful they persisted in supporting me regardless as they didn't have to.

It took a long time and 1 relapse but I think I'm in a good place with it now, 10 years on. All the severe hypochondria that resulted from it has also subsided for the most part and it feels good to be in that position. You never realise how much anxiety can control you. Though I won't lie it does get me a little down sometimes about how much it affected my childhood, I can always make up for that time now by just finding something to enjoy in each day. Grateful to be here at all to be honest.

Though I think I still suffer from high anxiety/stress in a lot of other aspects of my life, I'm so glad this one at least is impacting me less. Mental health is always a WIP but I'm optimistic things can get better from here on out. Even if things were to go back to how they were, I'm just happy to have made it 10 years later and know I'm much better prepared for if it ever happens again.

 

[Zeostar]

Quite a different post than the standard for this, but while cleaning my room today I found one of the very few photos of me with my dad.

Spoiler:

He passed away at a relatively young age, not long after this photo. I don't think I've felt so many different moods. Overjoyed I found the picture. Crushed knowing his life would soon be taken. The happy relationship I see in these photos was taken away cruelly, and can only exist in these photos.

 

[Megan]

I'm just a trainwreck sitting at work.