Christmas has been a huge strain this year. My financial situation became suddenly less secure in the middle of the pandemic, and I had to find a new way to provide for myself, and have just barely scraped by doing that. To worsen the matter significantly I was unexpectedly hit with inflated hospital bills last month that have depleted what little money I have managed to make on my jobs.
I can't really afford to celebrate Christmas, but I do it nonetheless because it's so ingrained into the culture. Everywhere you go you see the decorations--the lights, the trees, the wreaths in your neighborhood, your workplace, the doctor's office, the convenience store. You hear the holiday music playing in the radio, there's the smell and sight of holiday food and drink at the grocery store, Christmas movies and other special programs are on tv, billboard advertisements wherever you drive, commercials for shopping are shoved in your face when you watch a YouTube video.
To increase the pressure I come from a family that is also very festive, very extraverted and extremely generous. They know the meaning of the phrase, the life of the party. Every year multiple parties and elaborate dinners are held for Christmas, some relatives travel from out of town for gatherings, there are special games like Dirty Santa and other group activities like going to the theater to see Christmas plays or ballet, candlelight church services, catching a movie. Eeryone's house is decorated. You get your hair done in the salon, wear your Sunday best, and there's lots and lots of gift giving that runs a small fortune, not just for the immediate family but my relatives are involved with food and toy drives and lots of giveaways in the community. Because of the pandemic it's not as much as my family usually does, but presents are going to be passed out.
Even relatives you haven't seen all year show up and want to give you gifts, and expensive gifts too like watches and gold jewelry, hundreds of dollars in checks and gift cards, boxes of fine chocolate and wine. It's just not the way of my family to ignore this holiday. Even the pets gets presents. My family is not wealthy by any means, but Christmas is made a huge deal of regardless, especially by mother, who is a bit of a spendthrift and extremely nostalgic about her favorite holiday Christmas. It was one of the bright spots of an ambivalent childhood she had, and she spares no expense trying to recreate magic every year.
Nobody actively pressures you to buy anything for them. My family are very nice people so they'll say, "don't worry about it, there's nothing I really need." This makes it even worse however psychologically because you will receive a present from them anyway, so the pressure is still there. When you love somebody you don't want it to be a one-way street, the instinct is to give back when someone gives. I have told relatives in the past that I have no money, and asked them not to buy me anything because I couldn't afford to get anything for Christmas for them, but family
won't really take this to heart. I come from the kind of family that will not take no for an answer and still leave you a present, and say things like, "I couldn't not get you anything honey." You will be invited to events unconditionally, whether you can bring food or presents or not.
I know it's just kindness, but it actually makes me feel worse when that happens. In a society that puts as much emphasis on material things as this one and ties your inherent value to the money you make, it is already embarrassing and stressful to be down on your luck and not be able to live up to the expectations in the media of "having nice Christmas." To receive a present serves only as another reminder of your failure, and makes you feel more ashamed and guilty because of the generous gestures of those around you that you can't return, and makes you feel even more lowly and undeserving.
Because I don't want to relive the uncomfortable experience of being empty-handed in the face of another's benevolence am taking my last dollars to buy Christmas presents, namely a silver cross for my aunt, a space heater my mom wanted for her studio, an angel figurine for another aunt, books about business for my uncle from an entrepreneur he like, and a political science book for my father. I have a large family and this is the most reduced Christmas list that my Christmas list can be, only buying for relatives who I know in advance I will have some interaction with, and who are very likely to give me a gift, some who have already bought the presents for me.
I am literally checking my bank statement right now as I attempt to buy Christmas cards, and counting every cent and hoping that it's enough to get cards to attach to all the presents. Thank the Heavens I still have wrapping paper and gift bags left over from last year that I can put to use again.
I always like celebrating the beauty of winter, listening to all the spiritual and holiday music, feasting with loved ones and just being closed to them and being appreciative that they are here and a time for nostalgic remembrance of family who no longer are here. The message of peace on earth, goodwill towards humankind has also always resonated with me. At the same time though, this holiday is commercialized to the point that it is a source of dread with it's incentive to buy, buy, buy, buy, the opposite of Christmas' true meaning.
I think back to a Christmas when I was 12 or 13 when I called my father to wish him a Merry Christmas, but he never returned my calls on Christmas Day, which was unusual. My mom and dad are divorced and my mom had custody, so I didn't see him everyday, but he normally wanted to see me on the holidays. I spent Christmas with my mother and her side of the family instead that year when I couldn't get through to him, and was fine with that since my dad I weren't very close. Her sister held a nice Christmas gathering. I called my dad a few times in the days after Christmas to let him know I had a Christmas present to give him, but he still never called back. So later in the week my mom drove me to my father's mother's house since I had baked cookies for my grandmother for the holidays. I usually would go visit her with my dad, but since he wasn't in touch my mom took it upon herself to drive me to see her. When we got to my grandmother's house her home was empty, she and her daughters who lived with her had all gone out of town to see other relatives for the holiday. My father was there in the house all alone. He explained that he had emergency home repairs to make to his heating system that cost him his whole paycheck, and he was broke. My dad didn't want anyone to see him because he was ashamed. He was essentially trying to hide from the world. I remember that when he came face to face with me he hugged me, stroked my hair, and whispered that he was sorry that he couldn't get me anything for Christmas that year. I said it was okay. I really remember that moment because my dad isn't normally timid like that.
I was understanding at the time, now that I am adult though I have a deeper understanding and ability to relate to how my dad must have felt that day as I prepare for this Christmas. This is what Christmas does can do to us.
