Anyone else have this experience?
I don't know what you did that makes you think this way, but...maybe? There are two instances I have in mind:
1. about ten years ago I found myself at the center of some drama on another forum. I did something that cost me probbaly my most precious friendship I ever had. That even was in fact so terrible it plagued me for ten years. But the thing is: they not only gained a partner as a result but also had tons of other friends to rely on. Yes, their trust was lost but they didn't exactly lose anything. All the while I spend many years isolated and lonely, suffering greatly. Worst thing is: neither of us has anything to tell the other. In fact, if I were to contact them I feel like I'd just ruin my personal journey while they would just feel indifferent.
2. somewhat after the first thing I cut contact to basically anyone else I still knew. There were a bunch of classmates who regularly met before Christmas. They wanted to invite me and one of them even showed up in person. I was still very down but what's more: that was when I had first realized that I lacked any sort of personality, any drive, any goal in life. I was less of a human than I am now and I ended the "conversation" in the most awkward way possible by simply closing the door. I've never heard of them since.
I'd like to make up with them at some point. But I still want to wait until I've actually found a personality of my own. So that we can talk to each other as equals.
You know, I've been pondering for a long time if you and I could be friends. But every time I realized that I simply can hold up to your high standards. Don't get me wrong: it's good to have standards, they keep you from becoming desperate. As someone who is coerced into desperation way too easily I can assure you: it's no fun.
Anyway, I hope things turn out alright for you. Maybe things will turn out better for you and your friends, maybe you'll find a different way that makes you forget of those awful experiences and allows you to push on without them. But you know: when you're down there's only one way and that is up! :)