[Life] Mental health club

[Starlight]

*The local mental health and trauma teams are aware of everything below. I have the 24h crisis team on speed dial*

TRIGGER WARNING for young people or anyone affected by suicide, self-harm or abuse. I've tried to put this in the most watered-down way possible but if you are ANY of the above then please DO NOT READ.

Spoiler:

I've had issues with severe depression for most of my life but things are different this time, and I have absolutely zero hope.

I can't remember when it got this bad, but it's been every day for a very long time, and by every day, I mean all day every single day. This isn't moments, days or even weeks at a time - there is never anything else, just darkness, hopelessness, emptiness, misery, pain, and the ever-present desire for it all to end.

I can't function at all. I haven't been able to face anything or anyone for months which will be very obvious to staff and members here since I've been completely and utterly useless for far too long now. I'm beyond sorry to all of you. You deserve so much better. You are my family and I let you down.

I've cut myself off from everyone irl and ignored people online for so long now that I doubt I would be ever be welcome again even if I could somehow manage to pull through. I have nowhere to turn, and no one to talk to. I do nothing in my free time. I don't write, I don't watch, I don't play. I don't do anything other than suffer, self-harm and plan for the end.

My past suicide attempts were not thought through, they were more like wanting it to end through sheer desperation. This time has been different. I've carefully and deliberately planned things over an extended period of time. I can't really describe it. It's not that I'm "suicidal", it's more that I just want to turn the lights off for the final time and be at peace.

Some of you know that I had a severe breakdown. Some also know a little about my physical issues. Things are now far worse than I have told anyone.

I was SA again recently which has dragged existing ptsd from torture and long term SA out into the open. I'm honestly just not coping with any of it at all anymore, it's destroying me. I've started blaming myself once again which is something I thought I'd finally moved past. I'm constantly forced to relive the most horrific things, and I just want it all to stop.

My already terrible physical health has also deteriorated rapidly in the last few months. It isn't remotely a fight anymore, it's now a just one sided pummelling to the death. I struggle to walk and speak a lot of the time now and I'm in an insufferable amount of pain 24/7. I am being sent to a specialist unit in another part of the country but I know in my heart it's just going through the motions and that there isn't any hope. I'm a shell of the woman I was even a few months ago.

I never sleep for more than a couple of hours a night because of pain and night terrors, and nothing ever helps. I've also been the victim of hate crime again recently and I don't feel remotely welcome or safe in society anymore. Everything together has just relentlessly beaten me down to my lowest point and I'm just so very, very, tired. I don't want to fight every second anymore. I want to rest. I want the pain to end. I want to sleep.

I know that in the past there was good after the bad. I know as much as anyone how precious life is, that things can get better, and that future good times make surviving worthwhile, but I honestly don't believe there is even the tiniest chance of that happening this time.

I've hung on for others, but that's unfair and unsustainable, especially considering how unwanted and lonely I feel. I'm just suffering in misery and pain until illness finishes me off anyway, so why not help things along? I honestly can't think of a good reason to suffer every second of every single day with absolutely nothing good to offset it.

Everything feels veiled under a dense fog. I don't hear birds singing anymore. Flowers all look like weeds. Music is pretty much noise now. I have tried so hard to fight but there doesn't seem to be a single ounce of happiness anywhere inside me. Life is only pain, suffering, torture and torment. It is the most miserable existence imaginable, and it has broken me.

 

[Fact Checking Gardevoir]

*Ping*

I am very sorry to hear this, Starlight. I can't imagine what this feels like...
But to me, you have not been useless at all. You have not let us down. We don't deserve better than you, because you are friendly and caring, and we always have been happy to have you in PC's family.

We love you Starlight, and that is why we pray for you to find the help you need to break through the darkness and get better. I would offer you a hug in person if I could, but I can offer you one through the screen.

Big hug

 

[stringzzz]

*The local mental health and trauma teams are aware of everything below. I have the 24h crisis team on speed dial*

TRIGGER WARNING for young people or anyone affected by suicide, self-harm or abuse. I've tried to put this in the most watered-down way possible but if you are ANY of the above then please DO NOT READ.

Spoiler:

I've had issues with severe depression for most of my life but things are different this time, and I have absolutely zero hope.

I can't remember when it got this bad, but it's been every day for a very long time, and by every day, I mean all day every single day. This isn't moments, days or even weeks at a time - there is never anything else, just darkness, hopelessness, emptiness, misery, pain, and the ever-present desire for it all to end.

I can't function at all. I haven't been able to face anything or anyone for months which will be very obvious to staff and members here since I've been completely and utterly useless for far too long now. I'm beyond sorry to all of you. You deserve so much better. You are my family and I let you down.

*trimmed*

I don't know you at all, so this probably doesn't amount to much coming from a total stranger. I can't pretend to understand everything you're going through, but I can guarantee it isn't your fault in the slightest, and you don't deserve what you've gone through. While I will repeat that I can't relate to everything life has piled on you, I do know how it feels to feel hopeless and engaging in self harm and even attempts at ending things. I can say now, years later, that I'm very glad I failed in those attempts. It can get better, but I can see how difficult it is to see this when you are facing all of that at once.

Again, I'm just a total stranger to you, but I can clearly see you have friends on here that love and care about you, which is why you chose to reach out like this even while you are going through that dark of times. For someone who lived in some of that kind of darkness at different times in my life, I would hope you choose to listen to those friends and cling on to them, as they clearly want to help you, and I'm sure they can if you let them. Please don't give up, no matter how dark things seem to be right now.

 

[VisionofMilotic]

*The local mental health and trauma teams are aware of everything below. I have the 24h crisis team on speed dial*

TRIGGER WARNING for young people or anyone affected by suicide, self-harm or abuse. I've tried to put this in the most watered-down way possible but if you are ANY of the above then please DO NOT READ.

Spoiler:

I've had issues with severe depression for most of my life but things are different this time, and I have absolutely zero hope.

I can't remember when it got this bad, but it's been every day for a very long time, and by every day, I mean all day every single day. This isn't moments, days or even weeks at a time - there is never anything else, just darkness, hopelessness, emptiness, misery, pain, and the ever-present desire for it all to end.

I can't function at all. I haven't been able to face anything or anyone for months which will be very obvious to staff and members here since I've been completely and utterly useless for far too long now. I'm beyond sorry to all of you. You deserve so much better. You are my family and I let you down.

I've cut myself off from everyone irl and ignored people online for so long now that I doubt I would be ever be welcome again even if I could somehow manage to pull through. I have nowhere to turn, and no one to talk to. I do nothing in my free time. I don't write, I don't watch, I don't play. I don't do anything other than suffer, self-harm and plan for the end.

My past suicide attempts were not thought through, they were more like wanting it to end through sheer desperation. This time has been different. I've carefully and deliberately planned things over an extended period of time. I can't really describe it. It's not that I'm "suicidal", it's more that I just want to turn the lights off for the final time and be at peace.

Some of you know that I had a severe breakdown. Some also know a little about my physical issues. Things are now far worse than I have told anyone.

I was SA again recently which has dragged existing ptsd from torture and long term SA out into the open. I'm honestly just not coping with any of it at all anymore, it's destroying me. I've started blaming myself once again which is something I thought I'd finally moved past. I'm constantly forced to relive the most horrific things, and I just want it all to stop.

My already terrible physical health has also deteriorated rapidly in the last few months. It isn't remotely a fight anymore, it's now a just one sided pummelling to the death. I struggle to walk and speak a lot of the time now and I'm in an insufferable amount of pain 24/7. I am being sent to a specialist unit in another part of the country but I know in my heart it's just going through the motions and that there isn't any hope. I'm a shell of the woman I was even a few months ago.

I never sleep for more than a couple of hours a night because of pain and night terrors, and nothing ever helps. I've also been the victim of hate crime again recently and I don't feel remotely welcome or safe in society anymore. Everything together has just relentlessly beaten me down to my lowest point and I'm just so very, very, tired. I don't want to fight every second anymore. I want to rest. I want the pain to end. I want to sleep.

I know that in the past there was good after the bad. I know as much as anyone how precious life is, that things can get better, and that future good times make surviving worthwhile, but I honestly don't believe there is even the tiniest chance of that happening this time.

I've hung on for others, but that's unfair and unsustainable, especially considering how unwanted and lonely I feel. I'm just suffering in misery and pain until illness finishes me off anyway, so why not help things along? I honestly can't think of a good reason to suffer every second of every single day with absolutely nothing good to offset it.

Everything feels veiled under a dense fog. I don't hear birds singing anymore. Flowers all look like weeds. Music is pretty much noise now. I have tried so hard to fight but there doesn't seem to be a single ounce of happiness anywhere inside me. Life is only pain, suffering, torture and torment. It is the most miserable existence imaginable, and it has broken me.

Taylor, you are someone precious, even if the depression and trauma makes it hard to see that within yourself right now, I couldn't ask for a kinder friend than you. I adore you, and know that I am not the only one who is touched by you. I hate that you have endured this, and felt you had to suffer in silence mostly.

I have had suicides in my own family, and the people that we lost are dearly missed, even though what they went through made them believe it would be otherwise. It's hard to make a rational choice when you are flooded with the feelings you describe, don't try to make decisions alone if you are suffering, let someone guide you.

You shared that you have contacted your local mental health professionals and the hospital trauma center, and are coordinating to see a specialist out of town, thank you for doing that. It takes maturity to ask for help, instead of trying to struggle on your own. I don't know where you are at this moment in time, but if you are alone right now then I think you should go to a clinic today, and see what they can do immediately for you, and not wait.

Something that I also want to say is that you must not forget that the abuse was not your fault. One of the things that makes what sex predators do so terrible is that the trauma causes the survivor to internalize the disgust and shame that thr criminal should be feeling instead. It's human to have feelings that this somehow reflects on you, especially if you experienced this more than once, but it is the person who committed the crime who is bad, not you. And even though you were hurt by these events, the pain you feel isn't who you are, there's so much more to you.

When I see your pictures, hear your voice and read your comments I am struck by this strong, beautiful, intuitive, sensitive and alluring person who I admire, and feel better just being around and want to continue to know. I have said it before, and will say it again that you are really are the light of a star.

I read that you sought help for assault and depression, I couldn't tell if you had reached out to a local alliance or hotline for support against hate crimes too, but if you haven't then this is something that you can ask for help about too for advice, support and protection. Even though it can be Intimidating to come forward after a cowardly, ignorant and angry person attacked you or your property, not everyone in the society is like that. There are caring people out there waiting to meet you and work with you.

Do not think of yourself as a disappointment to pokecommunity.
You are honestly one of the most talented staff members I have seen here. I have watched you work so hard giving 110% of yourself so many times over, you carry yourself so calm and are articulate, creative, friendly and clearly love this place and the people in it. You had a hardship, and isolated yourself to try to cope, I have a tendency to do that myself when I am afraid or overcome by emotions, and might have done the very same thing in your shoes. I don't think anyone with a heart would judge you under the circumstances, nobody can be perfect all the time and your welfare is what's most important not the forum.

Speaking for myself you are always welcome if you want to talk to me, it would be a pleasure. I think someone who really cares about you as you deserve to be is going to be relieved that you reached out. A true friend would have empathy for you and try to understand and when you tell them honestly where you have been, connections can be re-established and you don't have to experience this alone.

I am thinking of you Taylor and believe in you.

 

[Jbsundown]

This is such a lovely place, can't believe I hadn't noticed it before. I just want to tell everyone that you are important. If you are looking for someone to talk to about ANYTHING then please reach out to me, I'll always respond. Mental health is such a hugely complex thing and everyone suffers differently. You're all incredibly valued members of this community, and I'm sure many other communities in your life!

Whilst I've personally not had big mental health issues (that I'm aware of) I know people that have and how their lives have been affected, some permanently, by keeping it to themselves. I will never think of your messages as "problematic" or "bothersome" or anything that your anxiety may tell you, I genuinely care and want to help you in a completely safe and non-judgemental space.

Keep focusing on the good and your goals!

 

[pastelspectre]

hi all. its been ages since ive posted here. ive been struggling a bit w my depression and anxiety. i feel stuck in life, and my anxiety makes me overthink all the time (plus adhd but thats a different story) and..ive just been struggling for a bit lately.

 

[Sheep]

hi all. its been ages since ive posted here. ive been struggling a bit w my depression and anxiety. i feel stuck in life, and my anxiety makes me overthink all the time (plus adhd but thats a different story) and..ive just been struggling for a bit lately.

Hey friend, I really want to wish the best for you. I know how anxiety can be and it's absolutely awful. I'm thinking of you and hope things pick up soon.

 

[Fact Checking Gardevoir]

hi all. its been ages since ive posted here. ive been struggling a bit w my depression and anxiety. i feel stuck in life, and my anxiety makes me overthink all the time (plus adhd but thats a different story) and..ive just been struggling for a bit lately.

Hello. I know we don't know each other, but I offer you my best wishes for you to beat this depression and this anxiety soon. I also wish for your situation to get better as soon as possible.

 

[MVs.C Fan]

I don't know what i have, but i'm tired of this. I'm overwhelmed by all the things i have now, and honestly i want to end it all. I don't have motivation for follow my dreams anymore.
Anyway, i'm planning to go to an therapist

 

[VisionofMilotic]

I don't know what i have, but i'm tired of this. I'm overwhelmed by all the things i have now, and honestly i want to end it all. I don't have motivation for follow my dreams anymore.
Anyway, i'm planning to go to an therapist

Hit here MVs.C Fan! I don't think we've spoken before, but I just want to say that I'm sorry you're not feeling well. Glad that you have taken action and forming a plan to see a therapist to fight that feeling of wanting it to end. Thanks for your honesty and courage.

I don't know if you have already found a therapist to help you out yet, but in case you are looking, there is a charity called Checkpoint that provides support for mental health in multiple ways, including sharing emergency numbers, online counseling services, info about rehab centers in your areas and all sorts of outlets that can help around the world. You might want to visit, if there is anything you need.

https://checkpointorg.com/global/

Stay safe, and be well. Sending good, healthy and uplifting vibes your way during a rough hour, and want you remember that you never have to wage this war alone.

 

[MVs.C Fan]

Hit here MVs.C Fan! I don't think we've spoken before, but I just want to say that I'm sorry you're not feeling well. Glad that you have taken action and forming a plan to see a therapist to fight that feeling of wanting it to end. Thanks for your honesty and courage.

I don't know if you have already found a therapist to help you out yet, but in case you are looking, there is a charity called Checkpoint that provides support for mental health in multiple ways, including sharing emergency numbers, online counseling services, info about rehab centers in your areas and all sorts of outlets that can help around the world. You might want to visit, if there is anything you need.

https://checkpointorg.com/global/

Stay safe, and be well. Sending good, healthy and uplifting vibes your way during a rough hour, and want you remember that you never have to wage this war alone.

Thank you for your words, Visiono. I really needed someone who support me in this hard moment. I will go talk with a therapist on thursday or friday. I will keep to all of you on tune about this situation, so wish me luck.

 

[Fact Checking Gardevoir]

I don't know what i have, but i'm tired of this. I'm overwhelmed by all the things i have now, and honestly i want to end it all. I don't have motivation for follow my dreams anymore.
Anyway, i'm planning to go to an therapist

I am sorry to hear this, MVs.C Fan... and I support you all the way.
Because I can relate. In the last year, I also had a depression and apathy, and I did not know why. But seeing a therapist and talking about it allowed me to find what had caused it and gradually, I could recover and feel better.

I wish you the best of luck to find what is pulling you down, and to feel better with the therapist's help. We are with you!

 

[Zeostar]

I normally wouldn't do this, but I'm not feeling okay at all.

Would anybody out there be okay with messaging me or even moving onto Discord?

I'm not going to use anybody to vent, but it would help me to have company. The last 24 hours have been excruciatingly difficult. I feel really alone and I'm sad to admit that I'm struggling.

 

[MVs.C Fan]

I normally wouldn't do this, but I'm not feeling okay at all.

Would anybody out there be okay with messaging me or even moving onto Discord?

I'm not going to use anybody to vent, but it would help me to have company. The last 24 hours have been excruciatingly difficult. I feel really alone and I'm sad to admit that I'm struggling.

Sure, man. I don't see problem talking with you now.
I'm sorry than you are through a bad time right now, and i can tell ya, it's not easy sometimes. But i hope you just give up, because like i say, there are many happy moments to live even in the hard times.
If you want to talk with me on Discord, my nickname is ChillEnjoyer

 

[Starlight]

I'm sad to see that so many are having such a difficult time. I hope you have all found help and support and that you're all safe and healing ❤️

*The local mental health and trauma teams are aware of everything below. I have the 24h crisis team on speed dial*

TRIGGER WARNING for young people or anyone affected by suicide, self-harm or abuse. I've tried to put this in the most watered-down way possible but if you are ANY of the above then please DO NOT READ.

Spoiler:

I've had issues with severe depression for most of my life but things are different this time, and I have absolutely zero hope.

I can't remember when it got this bad, but it's been every day for a very long time, and by every day, I mean all day every single day. This isn't moments, days or even weeks at a time - there is never anything else, just darkness, hopelessness, emptiness, misery, pain, and the ever-present desire for it all to end.

I can't function at all. I haven't been able to face anything or anyone for months which will be very obvious to staff and members here since I've been completely and utterly useless for far too long now. I'm beyond sorry to all of you. You deserve so much better. You are my family and I let you down.

I've cut myself off from everyone irl and ignored people online for so long now that I doubt I would be ever be welcome again even if I could somehow manage to pull through. I have nowhere to turn, and no one to talk to. I do nothing in my free time. I don't write, I don't watch, I don't play. I don't do anything other than suffer, self-harm and plan for the end.

My past suicide attempts were not thought through, they were more like wanting it to end through sheer desperation. This time has been different. I've carefully and deliberately planned things over an extended period of time. I can't really describe it. It's not that I'm "suicidal", it's more that I just want to turn the lights off for the final time and be at peace.

Some of you know that I had a severe breakdown. Some also know a little about my physical issues. Things are now far worse than I have told anyone.

I was SA again recently which has dragged existing ptsd from torture and long term SA out into the open. I'm honestly just not coping with any of it at all anymore, it's destroying me. I've started blaming myself once again which is something I thought I'd finally moved past. I'm constantly forced to relive the most horrific things, and I just want it all to stop.

My already terrible physical health has also deteriorated rapidly in the last few months. It isn't remotely a fight anymore, it's now a just one sided pummelling to the death. I struggle to walk and speak a lot of the time now and I'm in an insufferable amount of pain 24/7. I am being sent to a specialist unit in another part of the country but I know in my heart it's just going through the motions and that there isn't any hope. I'm a shell of the woman I was even a few months ago.

I never sleep for more than a couple of hours a night because of pain and night terrors, and nothing ever helps. I've also been the victim of hate crime again recently and I don't feel remotely welcome or safe in society anymore. Everything together has just relentlessly beaten me down to my lowest point and I'm just so very, very, tired. I don't want to fight every second anymore. I want to rest. I want the pain to end. I want to sleep.

I know that in the past there was good after the bad. I know as much as anyone how precious life is, that things can get better, and that future good times make surviving worthwhile, but I honestly don't believe there is even the tiniest chance of that happening this time.

I've hung on for others, but that's unfair and unsustainable, especially considering how unwanted and lonely I feel. I'm just suffering in misery and pain until illness finishes me off anyway, so why not help things along? I honestly can't think of a good reason to suffer every second of every single day with absolutely nothing good to offset it.

Everything feels veiled under a dense fog. I don't hear birds singing anymore. Flowers all look like weeds. Music is pretty much noise now. I have tried so hard to fight but there doesn't seem to be a single ounce of happiness anywhere inside me. Life is only pain, suffering, torture and torment. It is the most miserable existence imaginable, and it has broken me.

A short update to this post.

I decided I couldn't go on any longer and that it was time to take my own life a couple of weeks ago. I'm still here because of a loved one/unforseen circumstances. I'm still suicidal but I have a tiny bit more fight in me today.

I have entered peer support which involves talking to others that have gone through similar trauma. After years of therapy, it was one thing I'd never tried due to being socially awkward and being absolutely terrified of triggering the other people. I think it has actually helped a little. I hope this small glimmer will allow the old me to return someday.

I want to say thank you to everyone that messaged me after my previous post. I'm truly sorry I wasn't well enough to reply to anyone, but I promise I will reply to each of you. You really have no idea how appreciated those messages were. Thank you ❤️❤️❤️

 

[Fact Checking Gardevoir]

I'm sad to see that so many are having such a difficult time. I hope you have all found help and support and that you're all safe and healing ❤️

A short update to this post.

I decided I couldn't go on any longer and that it was time to take my own life a couple of weeks ago. I'm still here because of a loved one/unforseen circumstances. I'm still suicidal but I have a tiny bit more fight in me today.

I have entered peer support which involves talking to others that have gone through similar trauma. After years of therapy, it was one thing I'd never tried due to being socially awkward and being absolutely terrified of triggering the other people. I think it has actually helped a little. I hope this small glimmer will allow the old me to return someday.

I want to say thank you to everyone that messaged me after my previous post. I'm truly sorry I wasn't well enough to reply to anyone, but I promise I will reply to each of you. You really have no idea how appreciated those messages were. Thank you ❤️❤️❤️

I am sorry to hear you still felt that bad... but happy to see you have found help, Starlight. I give you my best wishes for this to help you more and more from there. We are with you.
Don't be sorry, your health comes first. Don't worry about us, take care of yourself, and take all the time you need. I am happy to hear we have helped you too.

*Big hug*

 

[Alex_Among_Foxes]

I'm sad to see that so many are having such a difficult time. I hope you have all found help and support and that you're all safe and healing ❤️





A short update to this post.

I decided I couldn't go on any longer and that it was time to take my own life a couple of weeks ago. I'm still here because of a loved one/unforseen circumstances. I'm still suicidal but I have a tiny bit more fight in me today.

I have entered peer support which involves talking to others that have gone through similar trauma. After years of therapy, it was one thing I'd never tried due to being socially awkward and being absolutely terrified of triggering the other people. I think it has actually helped a little. I hope this small glimmer will allow the old me to return someday.

I want to say thank you to everyone that messaged me after my previous post. I'm truly sorry I wasn't well enough to reply to anyone, but I promise I will reply to each of you. You really have no idea how appreciated those messages were. Thank you ❤️❤️❤️

I'm glad you're still here with us Starlight, there aren't nearly enough genuinely kind people in the world, and losing you would've made it all the bleaker.
I hope you get all the help and support you need from the IRL people in your life, because you'll alway have the support of the people who care about you here.
Please take all the time you need to heal, to the best you are able to considering all you've been through, because you being alive is infinitely more important than you being present on here.

 

[VisionofMilotic]

I'm sad to see that so many are having such a difficult time. I hope you have all found help and support and that you're all safe and healing ❤️





A short update to this post.

I decided I couldn't go on any longer and that it was time to take my own life a couple of weeks ago. I'm still here because of a loved one/unforseen circumstances. I'm still suicidal but I have a tiny bit more fight in me today.

I have entered peer support which involves talking to others that have gone through similar trauma. After years of therapy, it was one thing I'd never tried due to being socially awkward and being absolutely terrified of triggering the other people. I think it has actually helped a little. I hope this small glimmer will allow the old me to return someday.

I want to say thank you to everyone that messaged me after my previous post. I'm truly sorry I wasn't well enough to reply to anyone, but I promise I will reply to each of you. You really have no idea how appreciated those messages were. Thank you ❤️❤️❤️

Boy, am I glad that you are there. I would be really saddened too by a world without you, please stay in it Taylor.

You are doing something that could be constructive by hooking up with a peer support group. It can be intimidating to go into that type setting, but you were able to be brave and do it, and I'm happy to hear that it sounds like it's helping some.

Hold on to that little glimmer you have Taylor- it can grow brighter.



There's nothing in this club that you need to apologize for my friend. I would wait for you as long as you need. You have no idea how appreciated YOU are!

 

[pastelspectre]

i'm really glad you're still here Starlight. i know it gets hard, and i am glad you're in a support group to help out with your feelings. i would hate to see the world lose a genuinely kind person, and we're all here for you.

im not really doing much better, i had a really bad panic attack at work last week and it's resulted in my body being stuck in fight or flight mode and some odd physical symptoms and i don't know how to get out of it. i'm tired of feeling anxious all the time. i don't know how to relax and calm down. my brain is always thinking about something. i'm going to try and pick up a book at the library today on managing anxiety symptoms, i hope they have some.

 

[Fact Checking Gardevoir]

i'm really glad you're still here Starlight. i know it gets hard, and i am glad you're in a support group to help out with your feelings. i would hate to see the world lose a genuinely kind person, and we're all here for you.

im not really doing much better, i had a really bad panic attack at work last week and it's resulted in my body being stuck in fight or flight mode and some odd physical symptoms and i don't know how to get out of it. i'm tired of feeling anxious all the time. i don't know how to relax and calm down. my brain is always thinking about something. i'm going to try and pick up a book at the library today on managing anxiety symptoms, i hope they have some.

I am sorry to hear you aren't doing much better, Pastelspectre. You have my best wishes to overcome your symptoms and get, and feel, better as soon as possible. We are with you.