Dear Anonymous, (Roaring 20's)

Dear Anonymous,

happy birthday! sorry i missed it for the 3rd year in a row, i was busy with something else as per usual. and uh, sorry if i still kinda find it awkward to hang with you and your family.

honestly you and your kin have been nothing but kind and sweet to me for the last few years, and i truly do appreciate that. really i do. i may not show it well, but i assure you i'm grateful. it's just...

you're my biological father, and you were never there for me for my entire childhood and then some. you had a relationship with my mom while you already had your own family. you birthed me while you already had kids with another woman. even after all the good you've done, it still doesn't bode well with me y'know? because of you mom had to raise me by herself, and when she passed you didn't even have to guts to enter the room where we held her funeral service. at least to show yourself to us and her.

it's probably water under the bridge to you guys, but i still haven't gotten over it. the realization that i was born out of adultery stings me pretty bad to this day, and i aim to be nothing like you in that department. i've got my eyes set on one girl and one girl only. i don't know i mean, i might even have to thank you a bit for solidifying my goal to be truly loyal towards my partner? but even that's pretty weird ugh. i don't really know what to say...

i just wanna make it clear that i don't hate you. but that doesn't mean that i necessarily like you either. perhaps with more time i'll learn to move on with all this. hope you understand.

anyway, happy birthday again.
 
Dear anonymous,

You are a narcissist and a manipulator, and you haven't changed, despite what I have been assured of for years. You said some very inappropriate and hurtful things to me about someone who means the world to me, and it concerns other people that are friends to me who I love as if they were my own family, none of whom were present to defend themselves.

This is not the first time that you have come to me with a story about how others wronged you, how Joe Blow was your friend who betrayed you by supposedly swindling you out of money for work you did together, how John Doe cussed you out for no reason, how Jane Doe was going to marry you then ran off and left you after a month, Joe Schmo wouldn't help you when you were sick, so-and-so is a child abuser, how Jane Roe slept with half of the town by your account. Anything you say has become suspect to me. I wonder if I have joined the ranks in the long list of villains you have created because I have stopped returning your calls.

You alternate between painting yourself as the poor victim of the story or hero, always blameless whichever role you take. You greatly exaggerate, jump to conclusions, straight out lie or deliberately omit important information if there is a disagreement between you and another, and get others listening sympathetically and fighting for you. You seem to feed on the pity like a drug.

I'm not the only one who takes your tales with a grain of salt. Even Adrienne isn't taking you seriously, she saw you first hand acting like a fool, trying to stir up a conflict over her sister when she was sick, and you should have been understanding instead of trying to make everything about you. I feel bad that listening to you with blind trust made me believe the worst of Chris and Brenda, only to discover apparently it was not true at all. It was terrible rumor for you to spread about him.

Now you're relaying some gossip to me about John and Fergie from a woman I have never even met. It's hard for me to believe this of two people I admire because you say someone who I literally don't even know claims they were lovers once, over the person that I do know and trust who denies it. What bothers me the most though is that I can think of no good reason why you would share all this with me to begin with, which is what makes me distrust and resent you more than anything. This is something that whether it is true or false happened between a couple years ago when I was not present to see it, and it does not pertain to me in any way. Yet you made sure I heard all about it out of the blue when I confronted you about your own behavior towards me. What's that got to do with anything? It's just deflection.

Maybe you thought by defacing her it would get me on "your side" of the fight since you came to see her and had the outburst in my space, or maybe you just thought it would make you feel sorry for you if I thought there was some "cause" for you to be angry, and act abusively. Regardless, the only person you degraded that day was yourself. What you are doing is a tactic called triangulation, and that you would use that on me has broken any trust between us.

This is not the first time that I am the pawn you use, though you say how much you care, you hurt and humiliate me. All the bad memories of you have come back vividly. You are so repulsive to me.

I wish I had never opened up to you, but you prey on people who are in bad shape. My heart was telling me no for years, but you're persistent, you kept trying to visit me for years, and asking for my phone number, and I was tired of being gaurded, but no, I was right to be so with you. There's always some mess and drama with you. You don't give without trying to obtain something in return, even if it's just power over people.

You need help, It's not others like you claim. It's always really been you.

You realize that I'm not buying your first excuses, and think by returning the material things you took from me that we can reset and pretend none of this ever happened. No, we can't go back to the way it was, you have revealed too much of who you really are. I don't want to talk to you. Go tell your sob stories to Alicia or Malcolm instead, because I am done.
 
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Dear Anonymous,

I know I'm writing this because I'm sort of heated right now. But I hope the online celeb you simp for is worth it.
I'd be the biggest hypocrite to be upset at someone for what they like but the more you talk the more about her the more I feel like I'm glad I lost interest in that kind of thing myself.

I just don't want to be second place to someone whose name you don't even know.

You say you have your reasons but it's not like I'm even able to know if you're doing anything about those reasons. Or if you care.
You're sending me mixed signals and my heart can't take it. I'm stuck between frustration and not wanting to let it out at you.
 
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DA

I want so badly to apologize to you. I was not a good friend and I caused you a lot of stress. I hope that one day I can, and you can read it.
 
Dear Anonymous,
When you have a lot on your mind that is important to you, the hardest thing to do is to prioritize.

  • You need to focus now so that you can pay attention to other things later.
  • Follow up on the other things that were still important to you.
  • If you sacrifice your health and well-being for anything or anyone that will bring you strength, happiness, or ease of mind, rest afterwards.
  • Think with a clear head.
  • Use your whiteboard, erase the list side daily
 
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Dear anonymous,

I know my physics grade is bad. So stop reminding me. He assigns too many alt assignments and it's hard to keep up with them. (For some context, my teacher usually assigns a new one every day or two. And an alt assignment is worth 35% of the overall grade.) Whenever I tried to work on one, I would get distracted and end up not completing it. And then after a day, it automatically goes in the grade book as a 50. So there's no point in me trying to finish it after the fact. I just don't feel motivated in this class anymore. That's my main problem. It's not that I'm struggling in the class solely because I'm not understanding the material (although that is part of the reason). I'm struggling because I can't motivate myself to do the work. And it's not just physics. I just can't motivate myself to do most of my school work anymore. It's hard to focus on school work when I'd rather be playing a game or doing something fun. I know I can't just give up on my grades because then I'll lose scholarships, but that's pretty much the only thing keeping me going...

Although I don't think my mental health is an excuse for bad grades... let me wipe my tears and think of a better excuse.
 
DA,

thanks for the kind words, but no. i'm fairly certain i have a problem, and am not normal like y'all. i'm truly sorry for ghosting you guys, it was a low point for me and my fight or flight response for that is always to escape. i've never learned how to confront properly, especially face-to-face. it terrifies me. i'd like to get help, like you suggested. i do hope it won't be as expensive as i think it will be...

and yeah don't ever worry about any of this happening anymore within the next few months. i'm gonna talk to the boss, and i'm pushing through finally with resigning. i've found that difficult to do for some reason, but things have reached a breaking point of sorts and i need to push through with it. i cannot stay here for 2 years, it's not good for my wellbeing. weren't you thinking of resigning too? anyway, that's a topic for another day. i hope you understand.

i don't say this to you much because i find it hard to show emotion and be vulnerable to you guys (thanks to several instances in the past), but i do love you. don't forget that.
 
Dear Anonymous,

i actually don't remember the first time we've ever met. I only can remember your bright eyes, soft hair, and beautiful face. And your voice, how adorable was your voice...
And i think i will never be able to forget that. We were so close, and i opened my heart to you. What a nice mistake i made there.
I still can't believe you did that to me, and you would never understand how much i loathe you for that. I deeply trusted you, but you used me like a puppet. And you were the cruel puppeter.
But i thank you for that. You made me realize how i should change this world, a world of lies, pain and suffering. A world where people like me will never live at peace. Maybe if we never got apart, i would have never been part of a community as large as this one. What's even worse, i would have never become A mango.
We would have settled up and make our own family, as i dreamed a long time ago. But what's the worth in that? What would we do after then? Live and work until our bodies break down? No. I was never able to deal with that. I will never be able to live like that. I won't stand for that loophole of idiocy. It doesn't make sense for me.

I can feel each day how my body and mind slowly decay. I no longer remember the time we spent together, and to this day, i miss you so much. But you don't love me anymore. You chose them over me. Maybe one day we will find ourselves and solve our differences. Or maybe i'll die before that.
A friend of mine told me that, when a relationship is over, I should let the other one be. Maybe I should. You're very happy, after all. Maybe i should only dedicate to find my happiness among the mango trees. Sometimes, i even feel like A mango and the many other stupid names i've assumed are only a facade, a mask made to hide my pain from this society that despises me so much. But i don't know how much time i can remain numb. I want to scream and cry and make them, all of them, pay for what they did to me, to us - but killing doesn't solve anything. Killing will never be a solution nor a choice for me.

I often dream with a garden, or a place, you know, filled with those black flowers, and i see a monster in there. His hands and clothes are filled with blood, and he's crying blood as well. And i'm horrified, because i know i am that monster of my nightmares. The monster i would have turned into if i chose that path of hatred. Maybe i should stop reading all those sci-fi books you hated. They are only warping how i see myself.

Some time after we broke up (did we ever break up? We never were a couple) , however, I met some fantastic people in this community of monsters (or are they creatures?) that are stored in pockets, and i'm grateful to them because my life felt less heavy thanks to their advices and comments. I, at last, didn't feel alone. I can see the monster growing bigger, but that won't stop me from searching my purpose on this world; and, of course, that won't stop me from finally find the happiness i have neglected for so much time.

On the other side, days have been longer since we broke up. College is hard. I made a handful of friends there, but they don't trust me. I can see that in their eyes. Teachers are awful, you have no idea. They only serve to the money they gain. Then this quarantine crap came, and i haven't seen you anymore since then.

I believe I'll never forget you, my beloved. But letting you go is the best thing I can do for you, and i hope you will, someday, realize that was the best gift i gave to you. Maybe you will forgive me, but that's up to you.

If you ever need me you know where to find me. I'll always be in the vast beach, drowning in my thoughts. After all, the ocean is all the company i can ever afford to have, at least for now. Maybe i should visit the real Mariana Trench someday. I've heard it's deep enough for anyone to reach the bottom.

And remember, i will always love you. You're still the best partner i could've ever met. And thank you so much for trying to love me, even if it didn't last.
 
Dear anonymous,

Thanks for testing positive for Covid! Because of you not following basic safety measures, I have to quarantine too even though I have the capacity to follow the rules. And guess what? Not only is this the third time I've been contact traced this year, but I also have championships for winter guard next week and I can't go because of you. You wouldn't even realize (or care) how much this hurts me. Winter guard has been life-changing to me, and the best part of high school for me. We already missed championships last year because they were cancelled from Covid. Last year we had a great show, and I think this year it was even better. Now I get to disappoint my team and coach because I can't go to championships. This year was already bad enough, but this is the cherry on top. Thanks a lot dumb bitch.

You'd think that if you went to get a Covid test, you wouldn't go to school just in case it comes back positive. But I guess you or your mom who works at the school wouldn't have thought of that.
 
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da,

you've really pissed me off today. so, here's the thing. i'm generally a very patient person, but there are certain things that people do that near-instantly set me off. one of those things is making me feel stupid, the other is being condescending and patronizing. and holy SHIT, are you good at both. have you forgotten that i've only been here three weeks?? or maybe it soared over your head that i've had very little training for what i do (i mean, not that it takes a whole lot to be honest, but im still not sure where most of the kitchenware goes), and yet you're acting like i'm acting incompetent on purpose.

this makes me not want to come to you and ask you anything. when we first met, you said you don't sugarcoat and blah blah blah, you "keep it real", etc. i get it. i've met personality types that are like that and i appreciate honesty and bluntness. thing is, there's a difference between being honest but respectful and just being a giant douchebag and i feel like you've taken the whole "i'm being real" to an extreme that it crosses a line. with me, at least.

just like today, i won't put up with it going forward. i will bitch at whoever i will need to bitch at if you continue to do this. yes, you're stressed. i get it. i dont envy the cooks' jobs at all, especially since you guys have to continuously prep for banquet after banquet. it's a lot. that's still no excuse to an absolute asshole if there's a misunderstanding in instructions. the appropriate thing to do would be to work out the miscommunication. but no, you decided to chide me. that, in tandem with the absolute passive aggressive body language is really grating and again, i'm not putting up with it.

if we're going to work together in the mornings, let's show each other respect. i won't settle for any less.
 
Dear Anonymous,

You bring a smile to my face when we talk every day, even if it's just a line or two. You have ALWAYS made me smile when you're around and be upset when you are not here. I think... this want is manifesting into something a bit more and I'm scared, because I want to further our relationship but the last time this happened, said person stopped talking to me. The biggest heartache is that even if you read this, not only will you not realise it applies to you, but even if you did, you most definitely don't reciprocate the same feelings and I am having a hard time accepting that.

------------------------------------------

Dear Anonymous,

The fact that you apologised for rubbing your situation in my face when you know my "situation" was actually very nice to hear. Because it has been incredibly hard as your friend to support you and sympathise with you about your issues, when they revolve around things such as being able to pay out for your new house deposit straight away, spending several thousand pounds on a new kitchen and about your incredibly well-paying job. I am so glad to hear that you have acknowledged that perhaps things aren't REALLY that bad for you. Unfortunately it's not really been a recent thing, these feelings that I've harboured and kept from you.

I've held onto these since I've been 14, so nearly 17 years. 17 years of watching you progress and achieve and suceed whilst I sacrificed EVERYTHING to make sure that you didn't enter a complete state of depression. Shielding you as the kid in school who was bullied, singled out, labelled a freak. I stood up for you, I took abuse for you and I even took literal hits because I care SO much for you. I ruined my academia because I wanted to spend more time with you because I knew you had no one but me. I ruined relationships because I made sure you were still very much a pivotal part of my life and people could not deal with that. I stood up other friends because I enjoyed spending time with you more. You flourished into this great person with an amazing job, an amazing wife, a really comfortable economic situation and I am here unsure of where I'll be living in June, no career prospects and honestly I'm just broken.

I don't know if I can deal with this anymore but I... I can't tell you all this. Not right now and I don't think I ever could, but I need to outlet it somewhere because I am imploding by the day. The more you talk to me about how excited you are to move into your new home, the more I want to tell you to shut up. Not because you're malicious or because I do not care; but the opposite. It upsets me that I am in this situation so much that the idea of sitting in that new house is enough to make me want to cry. In a selfish way, how have I, destined for so much, been reduced to this whilst you who were the complete opposite, did not?

Again it's not your fault, you're not a horrible person, I still dearly love you but I need to get this out somehow otherwise I dread to think what I would do.
 
Dear A,

Still no idea where you are and why you stopped signing on like... 7 years ago now? Hopefully you're well. Last I remember you were graduating and preparing for your Masters. Hopefully it worked out well. Sometimes I randomly think about where you are and whether you have kids or something now, since we've both grown so much. I wish you didn't disappear :< One of these days I'll have the guts to actually search you on Facebook or something to see if you're around on social media, but it would be so weird to find you actively there knowing you stopped talking to us for some reason.
 
Dear Anonymous,

Is it weird to wish you a happy birthday after we haven't spoken since you left work? I wonder how you're doing, especially with your situation.

Dear Anonymous,

Hmmm, I still miss you.
 
Dear anonymous,

You are my best friend in the whole world, and I love you more than you could possibly imagine.

We were soul mates. Whenever anything happened in our lives, good, bad, big, or small, it was each other we wanted to share it with straight away. You were the only person that knew even a fraction of what I've been through, because we told each other everything. Whenever anything happens, I still grab my phone to call you, even after all this time.

But I can't call you, or text you, or see you, or hug you. Not anymore.

I hurt you sweetheart, and I'm so very sorry. It was my job to protect you, and it was me you needed protecting from all along. I'm sorry, really, really, truly, sorry ;(

I was put in an absolutely impossible position, and was left with only one option. I actually done it for you - the alternative was just completely unthinkable - but you will never know that. All the therapists keep telling me the blame is on other people, and that I done the right thing, that I "sacrificed" myself for you. I can't begin to tell you how much I despise that term. It doesn't matter why I did it, only the fact that I hurt you. I hurt my best friend. I HURT YOU. I will never forgive myself for that.

The worst thing is that I can't even tell you any of this. Partly because it would undo everything, and put you at risk, but mainly because you ghosted me, and I can't see you, or even speak to you ever again. I can't tell you how much I love you, I can't tell you how sorry I am, I can't even say goodbye, and it's ripping my heart into tiny little pieces, every single second of every single day. I don't blame you, I always told you to cut toxic people out of your life, and you did just that.

I can't even read our old messages to remember the good times anymore. Last March my life changed forever. I didn't just think I might die, I was absolutely certain I wouldn't make it. I used what I thought were my dying words to tell my partner how much I loved her. Then I asked her to say my goodbyes, and to take my phone out of my handbag, open it with my finger, and delete our entire chat history. She understood why. I promised I would take your secrets to the grave, and I kept that promise, but I lost the last little part of you I had left in the process.

Apparently there are no words for this. Normal grief doesn't apply because you're still alive, even ambiguous grief doesn't fit because you aren't missing. Nobody has even the remotest clue how to help me. Time is all they can suggest, but I have been crying my eyes out every single day, for a year and a half, and time is not even making a dent in the pain. Not having you in my life is by far the hardest thing I have to deal with each and every day. I'm so completely lost right now, and I simply don't know what to do. I can't see any escape, just an eternity of heartache and tears.

Part of me wishes you could read this, because I so desperately want to tell you how sorry I am, but in a way, I'm kind of glad you don't know everything, because at least you have closure. It's black and white for you, I'm evil and that's that. You can move on with your life and hopefully be happy, and I want you to be happy so, so, much.

Life was something we always thought we'd face together, hand in hand, us against the world. It didn't matter what happened, or what anyone done to us, because we always had each other. Now you're going it alone, but I know you'll do fine, because you are so damn incredible.

I hope part of you still remembers the good times, and that deep, deep, down, somewhere in your heart, you know how much I love you. Maybe one day you can even think of me and smile.

Go and change the world sweetie. I love you forever <3
 
Rabinov said:
Dear Anonymous,

You bring a smile to my face when we talk every day, even if it's just a line or two. You have ALWAYS made me smile when you're around and be upset when you are not here. I think... this want is manifesting into something a bit more and I'm scared, because I want to further our relationship but the last time this happened, said person stopped talking to me. The biggest heartache is that even if you read this, not only will you not realise it applies to you, but even if you did, you most definitely don't reciprocate the same feelings and I am having a hard time accepting that.
Click to expand...

Dear Anonymous,

You did it again... apart from this time you said something more. I'm still unsure how to process it all. Something that seemed impossible now seems more possible but... someone help I don't know what to do.
 
Ooh I haven't written a DA in so long... hmm..

DA,

I wonder how you've been these days? We talked so much when we were first getting to know each other that after a while, the conversation naturally ran its course and I remembered thinking that if I did think of anything new to talk about, that I would come back and recontact you. Some time after that, you decided you did not want to be on social media and deleted your accounts so I have no idea how to reach out to you now. Everyone says I missed an opportunity by not asking you out and that I should have just gone for it but I shut down and panicked at the first sign of slight mutual interest. I thought this entire time that you were just someone I wanted to be friends with but when I realised I felt more than that, I distanced myself to give myself time to think over what I was feeling and decided that I would process those feelings if it ever came to something more and you made a move to take it further. I would have said yes in retrospect if you had asked me out but I was too nervous to move anything forward myself and I regret letting our conversation drift for no reason. Hope we can reconnect again one day, I still don't know where I stand with what we are but I do know that I had a lot of fun getting to know you and would be happy to see you again. :D

DA,

In a few years, looking at this will be like a time capsule perhaps! Everything is so uncertain right now in regard to life. It's daunting and I don't know what to do. Hopefully you make the right choices and everything works out. :)
 
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DA,

You used to complain that people from PC never made an effort to keep in contact with you. I don't know why, after all these years, you suddenly have stopped talking to me. I've done nothing to you to be treated this way. I have continuously checked in on you over the years, and have always enjoyed talking to you. Clearly something has happened, because you seem like a totally different person... one I honestly do not care for. If I have done something to you, or if you just don't want to be friends with me anymore, I wish you had the decency to tell me to my face instead of ignoring my messages and playing it off as a joke on Discord. Not that it matters at this point, as I have blocked you.

I don't need someone that I have always been nice to treating me like nothing.
 
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DA,

I wish I can tell you how much I miss you, but at the same time, I mostly think how much I'm better off without you in my life. And I did notice how you did try to reach out to me on my birthday several weeks ago, but I didn't know how to approach you given how many times you hurt me. Ever since you and Mom split up, I did love the times I was able to spend time with you. But, what you didn't know that even right around the time after I turned 18, you started making up excuses on why you weren't going to see me. And honestly, you had no idea how much you really hurt me when not only you said you supposedly you had cancer, which I found later on that you lied about it, and basically sent me back to live with Mom. You basically used me and lied to me. And not to mention, I had to have Mom contact you about you needing to stop using my social security number to claim me on your taxes when I haven't lived with you since 2011 and I had to start filing my own taxes when I finally gotten a job. And you have no idea how much you hurt Cameron as well. He's got to the point where he gets better when someone like our great-grandma or even Mom mentions about you. And honestly, I don't blame him at all. And truth be told, I wish I can talk to you and tell you that I am Bi, but since you're one of those people that would rather have me be with a man instead of anyone I want to be with, then there's really no reason to tell you that. Ever since Mike stepped into mine and Cameron's lives, he's been more of a father than you really ever were. But, it's like.. I want you in my life again, but at the same time, I don't want to get hurt again. Just.. give me some time and I'll reach out to you when I am in a more better state of mind.
 
Hi Anonymous,

A well-known friend of mine, whom I trust with all my life during my time at university, gave me the last issue of the newspaper for the semester. Apparently the editor was highly praised for what she had done throughout her time and I heard there was some...how would you say... "trash talk" about me leaving midway throughout the semester. The person who wrote the article should be ashamed.

I resigned gracefully from my position, not vanished, as the article stated. I never "left the team hanging in the middle of a meeting." I never rejected an offer to return to the newspaper team simply because my position was immediately filled. Both the faculty advisor and the majority of the staff wanted to get rid of me...simply because they never liked how I wanted to go for a legit journalistic path. They flat out rejected my idea of a digital outlook simply because we "don't have the budget for it." Yet we have the budget to pay the editor $1,000 a month.

I had the tools to succeed. All you cared about is keeping tradition, but this "tradition" is so old that it's not prevalent anymore. I moved a school newspaper to digital-only years ago and today it is still successful. Y'all just too worried about paying the editor, you greeds.

Your article about the editor's farewell was a slap in my face and y'all should be ashamed. Y'all never approached me to apologise back then but nope! Y'all wanted to go towards a different path of journalism...a path of FAILURE. If I was still running the show, I would have won awards for the team by now.

Your newspaper is a fucking joke.

Sincerely, a graduate who is doing a lot better than 95% of the college newspaper staff.
 
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